What really makes you angry?

[Rosa A. Soles]

• What really makes you angry?

[SonicBreak]

The word "f*nb*y."

Especially as someone on the autism spectrum, it's ableist as all heck. I learned this when I discovered that fandom was essentially founded by people like me as a safe space for them to express themselves with their interests without fear of judgement. When it meant mainstream, it was appropriated by neurotypicals who found our behavior distasteful and sanitized, using us as the scapegoat.

[pdallair91]

Friends that answer "maybe" or any other vague/dodgy answer to a personal invite.

This kind of ambiguity triggers intense emotions that stem from childhood trauma.  I was ostracized a lot by my peers growing up.  However, as adults there are, more often than not, reasons why a friend can't commit or has to cancel (job, health issues, family, etc.).  I try my best to not let insecurity dictate my behavior witch often ends up pushing people away.  When I'm mindful enough to take some control over my thoughts and behavior, I try to give people (and myself) the benefit of the doubt.  As much as that can prevent things from escalating unnecessarily, it doesn't make me feel outright "good" and I think that's a condition that refusing to accept leads me into addictive behavior.  The reality in these moments is that it's normal for me to experience some pain/discomfort and taking the time to understand it, accept it, perhaps even appreciate it, is the healthiest way forward.  There's a bit more detailed example in this "slice of life" post (in my journal), if anyone is interested.

There's a somewhat famous metaphor in Buddhism about Two Arrows of Suffering that lines up with what I'm trying to describe here.  The first arrow (the initial painful reaction) is often triggered by things outside of our control.  The second arrow (additional pain) is often triggered by subsequent thoughts and behavior on our part.  The best and only thing we can often do is dodge that second arrow.  Maybe one day, dodging this recurring second arrow I describe above will become more natural to me.  I believe that all of you can get better at dodging your recurring second arrow too.

Take care folks.  Peace out.