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My introduction as a new member.


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So first of all a little bit about me, I don't really want to disclose my name, my alias online has and always will be Kaizal(unless it's taken). I'm from Uruguay. While I do want to quit games, or at the very least develop a more healthy relationship with them. I will talk a bit about myself and then do a TLDR for the ones than don't wanna read much like me :D.

A bit of backstory from the new rando.

 Around the age of 16(probably 15 actually) I started therapy. I remember clear as day, the reason I went there in the first place was because I wanted to find out if I had a videogame addiction. I was clearly playing too much videogames, and it was deteriorating my life(or that was the simplistic explanation I was able to come up with at the time).  I am now 20, and I can say that I do for sure not have a videogame addiction. I think my therapist was able to give me a definite answer about this when I was around 16. 

I did however play quite a bit though, while I am not an addict, the fact was still that I wasn't deriving much enjoyment in life from basically nowhere else, and games seemed(they 100% didn't) to fill the void I had inside of me for basically minimal effort, kind of seemed worth it.

Why I am here now

I will talk about specific games in here(specifically ones with quite the abusive game design), so if you think this might hinder your ability to put space between you and games, please don't read further.  For quite a while I played League of Legends and Warframe, and while I dislike Riot as a company with passion, neither of this games did me much harm per se. I played League alone and with friends, but I never felt obligated to play, nor do I think this games are particularly abusive in the way they go about making you play and pay.

The game that really did hinder my life in a clear way and gave me way too little enjoyment back for it was Genshin Impact, my first garbage(gatcha*) game. All F2P games i've played i've stayed F2P, this was no exception. And I though that since I had the willpower to not spend I would manage to have a fun experience with not too much trouble, oh boy I was wrong. The constant minimal feed of premium currency that was just enough to keep me playing, but never feel rewarded. Anyways I quit the game when I didn't get a weapon I wanted.

And I haven't played it since. Basically at this point I promised myself to never play this game again. It has been one year and I have been able to keep it.

However 4 days ago I started playing Guardian Tales, another gatcha, thinking it was fine since it was not Genshin, little did I know I was just easing myself into (almost) playing Genshin in the long run. Today I started browing stuff about Genshin, previous events and stuff, the state of the game right now. Today I almost broke my 1 year of not playing Genshin. And today I will make another promise to myself to never play another gatcha again, and not play any games whatsoever for 90 days.

***No more talk about specific games***

It's hard to explain how weak, worthless, and unresolved I was feeling when I was considering downloading the game again. This last 2 years have been hard for me, the pandemic made it hard to keep the connection with some of my friends alive and also 2 of my grand parents died while enduring tremendous pain during this pandemic(cancer sucks). My grandmother held off on taking morphine while agonizing for seemingly no good reason. My therapist speculated it was probably a way to punish herself for the life she wasn't able to give her children(this is probably true but we will never know for sure).

This all made me think about life and death and specifically the question, "Have I led a fullfiling life, one that I can be proud of the day I die?" And the answer right now, is a no, definitely a no. Not that I haven't made improvements I'm proud of(quite proud of in fact), but it is still a no for now, and I want to work towards making that answer a yes.

And downloading a shitty garbage abusive gatcha game isn't that for me. That is only going to make me take steps back in life, weakening my relationships, slowing or halting my slow but steady progress towards economic independence, and a fulfilling social life, maybe even find a partner. Can't do any of that if I have to live with the shame that I feel when I realize I can't even keep a promise to myself, that I am that unreliable.

 

TLDR: Games can hinder your life to a great extent even if you don't have a "gaming disorder" or a "gaming addiction". This was my case, gatchas made my life worse, so I am never playing them again. And also no games in general for 90 days. Will evaluate what my relationship to non-gatcha games will be after the 90 days. Wish me luck people. If you wanna chat, you can DM me, I don't guarantee a swift response though.

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