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Everything posted by Mhyrion

  1. Entry 10 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 11 Today was…. interesting. I woke up and had to really force myself to get into a good mood and out of bed. But I conquered my morning moodiness. Trouble came with my father-in-law. He was here today to get some things done in and around the house. He also wanted to take pictures of the house because he wants to sell it. No problem for me. But my hubby and his father, they often clash. Especially about the state in which my hubby leaves rooms, which is one big mess. And so they were quarreling for hours. I could hardly work like that. My hubby was rampaging through the house at one point and was becoming scary, so I decided to get out of the house before I got overwhelmed by the situation and my emotions. Bike rides seem like a great thing to clear my mind. Everything outside was covered in a tiny layer of frost and a thick mist, it was amazing. I came home much calmer, and my hubby and father-in-law seemed to be somewhat tired of quarreling. In the end, my hubby cleaned some of his stuff out, and my father-in-law took a lot of his stuff home as well, so there was a positive outcome. Peace has now returned. This evening I had a skype date with my two friends. It was awesome. I told them about the detox, they did not know I gamed that much. They are really supportive. I have not done nearly as much as I would've wanted to do for my study this week. Which troubles me a bit. Then again, I still did a lot, so I just have to work towards being fully productive again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things I'm grateful for today: -Nature is beautiful -Dinner was very tasty -The house got cleaner -I have amazing friends
  2. Great going! I love the quotes. Perhaps talking with other dog owners while walking Ula could be another way to socialize as well?
  3. Entry 9 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 10 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for the replies! You are all amazing. I appreciate all the effort you are making to reply. Consistency, consciousness and positivity will benefit my life greatly, so I will pursue it. I will make a gratitude list from now on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nothing really special happened today. But I did a lot, and felt pretty okay. I'm in a rollercoaster going up one day and down the other. I enjoyed the up today. Yesterday evening I made a box full with handwritten notes to my future self with positive things on it. Somewhere between very cheesy lines and semi-philosophical quotes from great people in our history. I can grab one when I'm feeling bad or when I want a positive start of the day. I'm making a bit of a routine for myself. I woke up around 7:30, 8:00 almost every day the past week, which seems to work very well. I didn't skip any breakfast, which is a good habit as well. Right now, I take breaks whenever I am starting to feel hungry. In my breaks I eat, drink and relax with drawing, colouring, petting the cat, talking with my hubby or browsing. I want to take one active break each day, in which I can cycle or walk. Today I cycled around 15:00, which was nice because I was starting to get a bit tired but felt better afterwards. The evenings consist of a lot of browsing still, but for now it's okay. I want to first get this routine going. I noticed that my hubby and I still talk a lot about games. It usually comes up once every day. He is playing Planetside in the evenings now, because it is his holiday. But that made me think. We do not have any common interests outside of games. We are day and night as it comes to hobbies and interests. It would be positive if we could also find something to do together besides watching series. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things that made me happy today: -The sun was shining -I enjoyed nature when I was cycling, it was beautiful -The cat was very affectionate during my lunch break -I made plans with my husband for things to do during New Years Eve
  4. Entry 8 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 9 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for the replies! @phpsmith Thanks for sharing! Sounds like a good system, but not for me. My problem is not that I drink a lot every day. But when I do open a bottle of wine, I will drink it in a very short amount of time. I also drink for wrong reasons, like feeling depressed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I couldn't sleep again last night. I watched the documentary from Louis Theroux about Scientology, to kill the time. It made me feel glad that at least I am not making such bad decisions and my life is not that much in ruins compared to those people in the doc. I'm sure it's totally wrong to feel superior like this. Decided to watch some YouTube vids after that. Came across LoL footage. I felt triggered. I had an adrenaline rush of some sorts, felt very excited. I paused the video. Then let it play again. It made me annoyed and unsettled. My chest felt like being pressed together like a ball and then getting ripped apart again. This morning I was really moody, cranky and irrational. I got so grumpy that even I didn't want to be around myself anymore. Every little noise, every smell, every task seemed so completely overwhelming and at the same time annoying and/or futile. One of my housemates was making tea or something in the kitchen, I was in the room next to it. The sound of the boiling water, her slippers scratching on the stone floor, every noise was so loud and annoying. I couldn't focus on doing the tasks I planned for myself today. I let things fall out of my hands, got distracted. I decided I had to snap out of my bad mood. So I took my bicycle and angrily started cycling. My husband offered to go with me, but I declined. If I can't be friendly to myself, I sure as hell won't be a pleasure to be around for others. I tried to enjoy nature during my ride, but I was so agitated. I saw some birds though, which oddly enough soothed me just a bit. Halfway on my route I felt like if I could just lay down and die, that would be fine. When I got home I was a bit more calm. I tried hugging the cat, but he is stressed out from all the fireworks (and perhaps the neighbours dog that will not stop barking all day when it's alone), so that really didn't work out. Then I sat down with my husband for lunch. My husband has to clean and organize his stuff or there'll be trouble with his father, also the owner of the house. My hubby occupied a room which we do not rent (it's complicated), but his stuff needs to go now. I don't know what went wrong with my hubby and cleaning and organizing, but he has 0 skill for it and has developed none since I married him. I tried helping him, got some boxes, labels, made categories. Through the years I've patiently sat beside him for hours while he was organizing, because otherwise he will just not do it. He will get distracted by everything, and for example start reading some old notes he made, and not continue organizing afterwards. I do feel like I can organize and clean pretty well, if I get to it (and I'm not too busy gaming for months and ignoring my life). I don't understand his struggle. He also can not throw anything away. I throw things away very easily, I might even end up regretting or having to rebuy things. He really likes to hoard things. To be honest, sometimes stuff he kept for years did come in handy. But for me it's just not worth it to have it lying around for all that time, occupying precious space. It's hard to get on the same page because of it. So when I set down with my husband, after the cycling, I was still cranky. We started a conversation. It got to the subject of cleaning and organizing. A fight happened. I am not too subtle normally, let alone in the state of mind I was in. Although we made our apologies shortly after, it still left a bitter taste in my mouth. I chased it away with chocolate. I feel like there should be a short animated intermezzo here, with dancing cheerleaders with pompons, and then in the middle shiny lights and confetti and the following text: 'Another healthy habit in the life of Mhyrion!' I want to pursue a more positive attitude, but I'm not sure how to make a decent goal out of it. 'Go be more positive' is not really a concrete thing to work on. Normally, on a day like today, I would've played the shit out of games. I'm glad I didn't, I can still work on some of my tasks and actually have just completed task 1 out of 8 of my to-do list for my study for this week. As for my other goals; I tried to look for something to exercise, or at least a more active activity. I have no money for any sport right now, so this makes things a bit harder. I think archery and rock climbing look pretty bad ass. I might go for that when I'm in a bit of a better financial position. I always liked climbing things and getting to the top of the wall/rock. I once got the opportunity to try out shooting with a airgun(?) too, that was really fun as well. Right now, I'll have to do with the means at my disposal. I could cycle more, I can use my skipping rope, I can go for walks.
  5. Entry 7 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 8 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The longer I'm in this detox, the more I think I should've started this a long, long time ago. 90 days are not very much compared with a habit of 10 years of gaming. I really hope I can reset my brain. I'm not sure if I ever should play games again though. I never played in moderation. Every game that got my interest I've played for hours and days and weeks. I was talking with my husband a few days ago, and almost every game I played, he recommended. So I should listen to my hubby less, lol. Anyway, let's first do the 90 days and think ahead by then. I was very tired throughout the whole day. I worked all day anyway, which made me a bit proud. I'm really glad I have a big deadline for my study after the these holidays, it helps keeping me busy. I had some random nostalgic thoughts of games today, but overall I was too busy with other stuff to really think about it. I also spend more time on my study then on cleaning and organizing, which is a good thing. My father-in-law was here today to dig out a tree to replant, that was a nice distraction. I know now that a pear tree fits into a horse trailer if you try hard enough. I'm really wondering if the tree survives though, it was not exactly handled with care.
  6. Entry 6 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 7 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for the replies! @hycniejsy I already take some vitamins. But like most things in my life right now, I'm not really consistent with them. @WorkInProgress Thanks for the tip. I like watching Ted talks myself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today I woke up with a headache. I have caught the cold my husband has had for a week. I felt sorry for myself but decided that would get me nowhere. So I worked from 8 to 18. I spend the morning on my study, the midday on cleaning. I forgot to take breaks and drinks after lunch, I only noticed when I felt really fatigued. Dinner solved that. In the evening I supervised my husband so he would organize his stuff as well. We now have clear sight of the floor again. We celebrated this and the fact that I am now 1 week game free with a bottle of wine. I wonder how I will feel when I have no more goals with this very visible kind of progress. Right now I can literally count how much floor space we cleared and how much stuff I could throw away/sell/donate. Perhaps that's also what's so appealing about reading a chapter of a book a day. I was very emotional throughout the whole day. I had to switch of the radio at some point because there was a sad song playing. I cried when I watched a Star Trek episode during dinner. It was not really an dramatic episode. I'm not sure what to think of this, I feel weird about it. I decided to read over my goals just now, and I've done all of them except the more long term ones. So I need new goals. Goals: -read a chapter a day till I'm through the two books I have -take good care of myself: -take breakfast, lunch and dinner -take sensible breaks -go outside everyday -clean out and organize all of my closets and boxes with stuff -complete the first 8 points of my to-do list for my study before Saturday -search for an appealing sport/exercises
  7. That's a good thought. I can apply it a lot in my life as well. I've skipped out of many real life events just to game and ended up regretting it. It's better to celebrate in real life then in games.
  8. Entry 5 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 6 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today was a good day. I worked hard and I was fairly content. Every day I am not gaming, I am improving myself and my life. So I feel like I've already improved my life 6 times. Yes. This morning I made a to-do list for today. It was a bit too ambitious. It made me stress a little halfway through the day, but then I realized this was just a list and I can only do so much in one day. So I calmed myself down. I was in control. I also succeeded in planning some social activities with friends and family. Maybe I should set reminders for these sort of things, since contacting people doesn't come naturally to me. The evenings I feel are still difficult. I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to do with myself. I'm too tired to do much anymore, I'm not tired enough to go to sleep. So there's this empty gap. I made a list of why I don't want to play LoL or WoW anymore, the two games that are most addictive to me. Maybe when I feel tempted in the evenings, this list can help me focus on why it's a bad idea to get back to those games.
  9. Entry 4 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 6 (ish) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Since I can't sleep anyway, I might as well try and organize my thoughts and life some more. This writing really helps. For me gaming is like any other drug. If you apply it in moderation, everything is fine. You get a short fun period, and then go back to normal things again. I'm not very good in using these kind of things in moderation. I can not game in moderation, I have trouble drinking in moderation (I have the rule that I do not drink while being alone), I do not watch series in moderation. I'm not sure what this means, maybe I'm very sensitive to addictions. Maybe it's just the depression messing with things in my head. I got extremely bored last evening. I got grumpy and started to tidy things up again. I now have 2 bags with trash that can go away, and 1 bag of clothes to donate. I really have been neglecting cleaning and organizing. I guess I just really didn't care about these things. I also finally did something about the mold in the window. Yep, ignored that too. For months. It is good to take back control and care about these things. Writing about this right now, I feel like I ignored and neglected a lot of things in my life, if not everything. The longer I am in this detox, the more I realize what a complete mess I'm in. It feels very overwhelming. I feel less occupied with games then the first few days. But I also experienced very little satisfaction. I feel disconnected, not only from games, but in general. I feel like my body and brain are giving mixed signals. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I'm hungry, but nothing seems appetizing enough. I feel like connecting with my husband, but I create distance.
  10. I just caught up to your journal, it's really inspiring. Gratz on the 100 days!
  11. Entry 3 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 5 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it and feel supported! That's a really good idea, I updated my goals! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are so many hours in a day if you don't spend half or more of it gaming. Amazing. I did so much. I cooked and washed the dishes. I did some grocery shopping and laundry. I watched an informative yt vid of Cam and read an inspiring journal. I organized my desk and some stuff around it (how many different coloured pencils and fineliners do you need, woman!). I have so much stuff. I'm going to throw away some things I found which I have not used for years. Good riddance. It also feels very symbolic and cleansing. It gave a great sense of satisfaction. I like that feeling. I did some very tedious but very necessary work for my study. I made an assessment of our expenses per month for the next year. There's going to change a lot for us this year. My husband just landed his first job. We're looking for an apartment. He insisted we talked about money. He is a smart man. In the spirit of being a responsible adult, I also made an overview of my money spend and earned the past year. I spend a godawful amount on junk food. I'm thinking if I cut out the expenses on junk food and games, I might have enough money to join a sport. Now I only need to find something I like. I never liked exercising, so this might be challenging. I started reading the book 'Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture'. I think the translation to Dutch is really lacklustre, and it's also a bit old (2005). But the info is good (historical facts do not change) and I'm interested now, so I think I am going to finish the book anyway. I'm learning a lot about feminism and notions about female sexuality. I always like to learn how we got to where we are now and as added bonus it also keeps my mind busy a bit. After this book I plan on reading 'What are you looking at? which is an easy to read introduction on modern art. Right now, I've used all of my concentration and energy. But I don't want to stand still and give my brain a chance to think about games. It's really hard. I also feel like I'm unable to feel what I really feel. If that makes any sense. I have so many emotions. I am at a loss what to do with all them. Maybe if I keep busy, I can't think about it all too much. Although that does not seem like the healthiest way to go about it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals: -Read a chapter a day from either of the 2 books -Watch less youtube videos without a purpose -Plan social activities with friends and family -Work on crossing things of my to-do list for my study
  12. Entry 2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 4 This turned into a very long journal. I hope to have less time for this as my journey advances. Let's start on a positive note: my day started fantastic. My husband had a day off today, so we woke up together. Yesterday evening we talked about my detox. He's really supporting. I'm glad I told him what's going on and that I took the opportunity to apologize for betraying his trust in me. I feel like we're in much clearer water now. After the morning together, I walked to the train station, and I was in a really good mood. I decided to listen to some music. That was a mistake. The music reminded me of League, and then I could not stop thinking about it. So this music now can go on my ban list. I also felt very nostalgic about WoW. If anything in the world, WotLK can make me feel nostalgic at any moment. I've had gaming voice-overs and music stuck in my head for the majority of the day. Imagine(for those familiar with WoW) Lady Deathwhispers line 'Do you yet grasp the futility of your actions?' in your head for a while. Drove me crazy. I guess I have played a LOT just before going cold turkey, so that might be the problem here. When I arrived at the academy, it was very quiet. No big surprise, the day before the holidays. I made use of the peace to make a to-do list for my study. My hopes sank. I do not know if it is realistic to do all I need to do in the amount of time I have left. I decided to go for it the next few weeks anyway, and just see how far I get. (Right now this is year 6, for a study that should last 4 years.) At least the to-do list made things orderly. I find it difficult to make a planning out of my to-list, because I am not sure how long everything is going to take. Maybe a to-do-list is good for now, and I can just spend my time crossing things off of the list. I also got some books and DVD's from the academy library. I hope to replace some internet browsing by reading and watching something a bit more classy then senseless youtube vids. I was wondering about one more why. Why is this time different? I think a lot led up to this point of quitting again. One of my fellow students chose game-addiction as a subject for his research. I talked a lot with him. Maybe this was a start of some self-reflection. I also realized a big part of my brain is stuffed with game related knowledge. I read a story online about someone lying to his parents to support his gaming habits. This suddenly hit me. I was lying too, and I didn't even realize it till that point. Then I watched an Dutch TV program about addiction. I saw in this episode a guy named Victor, addicted to gaming. This guy was so recognizable. I tried to create a distance between him and me. He was worse then me, I wasn't that far gone. But it didn't hold true. No I did not lose a girlfriend, or in my case boyfriend, over games. But I did lose other important social relationships and damaged others. And his appearance was so striking. Pale skin, hair not taken care of. He looked a bit like a ghost. It was confronting. Then I decided just to google 'how to quit gaming', and I got here. I no longer felt alone. And I feel strengthened in that. Then there's also the fact that I screwed up my Go/NoGo moment for my graduation of my study again. I got orange, just like last year, which means that you can continue, but they have sincere doubts whether you would make it. I did not improve since last year. I did not spend more time on my study like I wanted to. I felt like a complete failure. So everything together was my wake-up call. I'm awake. I'm ready. And I'm doing this. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- More goals: -Read books -Watch less youtube videos without a purpose -Plan social activities with friends and family -Put in a lot of hours in my study
  13. Gratz on the 7 days! Nice that you are picking up your business!
  14. Entry 1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 3 So, I decided to start a journal. I've been reading some others journals here, and it was really encouraging. It will also be a great way to keep track of my progress. I also have a lot of time on my hands now I don't game and a lot of time to think. Not sure the latter is a blessing or a curse. It's driving me crazy already. I think that acknowledging that I am addicted to games is really crucial. I tried -halfheartedly- to quit before, but never called myself an addict. I had the habit of making up silly excuses, but not anymore. Now that I have had some time to think, I feel like I see things much clearer already. There's so many things I need to figure out right now. I thought about my why's for gaming some more. As I already noted in my introduction post, gaming is the perfect getaway. I struggle with depression, and sometimes suicidal thoughts. Mindlessly playing one game after another really shuts those thoughts up. There's no time to think. But I'm ready to deal with my feelings for real now. But besides escapism, I think I also really like to achieve things. And achieving things in games is so much easier and more recognizable then it is in real life. It feels really important to me to have certain special achievements in games, like shiny icons in League, or one-time-only-achievs in WoW. Besides escapism and achieving things, I think gaming also felt like a sort of purpose. I felt needed in those games, I felt important and relevant. Short queues and/or extra rewards for supportive roles might have emphasized that feeling. During my first 3 days of not playing games, I've dreamed about playing games and felt really cranky, bored and anxious. But I deleted all my games from my laptop and phone in these first 3 days, also blocked some relevant sites, and that felt like quite an accomplishment. So yay for me. I later thought of also removing my accounts, but I guess unreachable is good enough for now. I feel really attached to my accounts in some odd way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals for this week: -Read more journals and watch some youtube video's of Cam to encourage and inform myself -Make a planning for my study -Write journals and reflect on my progress and feelings
  15. Hello all, CAUTION: wall of text ahead ^^ I'm 23, maried, dutch, graphic design student and I'm addicted to gaming. I've been playing video games for years now. It started out casual and I played together with my -then- boyfriend. I started to play WoW with him on a private server, with a very tight and fun community. It was also there that I started raiding and playing the game a bit more serious. When the private server was shut down, I did not play games for a while, but later played WoW on the real servers and also played LoL. I've denied that gaming was a problem in my life. There were a few moment that I said to myself: this is too much, you gotta tone it down. This was only after getting play time reports from WoW for more then 60 hours a week, or having done nothing besides LoL for a couple of days. And so I did quit for a little while. But it never lasted long. I've come to realize that I need to quit every single game, in order to quit at all. I've deleted games from my laptop before, only to download them again the next day, or just play another game in the meantime or watch esports. I've also come to admit that my studies have been delayed severely due to gaming. I'm trying to finish my studies right now, but I might need to add another half year, again. For me it was very important to understand, why I do, what I do. Why do I game so much? I think gaming for me mostly worked as an escape from real life. I'm depressed and have had suicidal thoughts. I've always been very emotional and unstable. I can have good weeks, I can have bad weeks. During bad days and weeks, I would game a lot. It would make my head clear(or at least, that's how it feels) and make me unable to think the negative thoughts I would have. That this excessive gaming also ruined my sleep and social life, I did not see. I get very anxious when I game a lot, and will often ignore messages from friends or family when I'm in my 'anti-social bubble', as I came to call it. Anyway, although I think depression might always be part of my life, I need to learn how to better deal with it. Why did I fail to quit before? I guess there's a number of factors. I denied that the problem was as big as it is. I felt like, if I didn't need to game EVERY day, it was not thát bad. Right? And as long as I got my normal life sort of going, that was also ok. I feel now, it is not. I wanna live life to the fullest. I want to accomplish things, I want to enjoy. I also know now I need a good, repetitive(boring!) structure for my weeks, or else I'll get lost. I also need to find other free time activities to fill the void of many many hours a week that I would normally spend gaming. I have no clue about hobbies I like yet, so I'm up for a bit of discovering and I'm looking forward to that. I've not talked with many people about my addiction at all. My family would not understand, even though addictions are quite common in my family. Only one of my fellow students knows about it (he happened to pick gaming addiction as subject to his research project) and I talk about it with him sometimes. My closest friends know I'm depressed, but not that I game this much. They do not game themselves, so for me it feels hard to explain how you can get so lost in a digital world. But I feel like it would be a good step to include them into my process, as they would be invaluable support. My husband knows that I game a lot, but not how severe it is right now. I've noticed I've developed a pattern of lying to obfuscate how much time I really spend gaming. I would say I have been to the academy to study, while really, I've been home all day playing games. I feel like I really screwed up here, and I need to fix that. Thanks for reading, Mhyrion
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