Pierce

@Dannigan Great advice, being direct is essential, and having an acitivty to take part in makes everything easier for all parties. It really makes me happy that you're inspired to take the dating scene again. It's a rough one, but it's such a universal and incredible part of the human experience. Hopefully we can learn from one another in this category as well as we share journals. You from your wisdom, and I from my beginner's eyes. My goal in this entry is to be as genuine and forthcoming as possible. Obviously, having an ego and being human I will still both consciously and subconsciously hold some bits back, but I feel there’s something important to be gained to throw these raw bits to the public sphere. Also, as you can see, this will be a long post, so buckle up. Friday Night After I finished all of my other chores for the night, and then spent a long time getting ready. I usually am not very particular about my appearance other than looking professional, but tonight I made sure to gel my hair, wash my white shoes, choose a flashy outfit, and put on cologne. I felt really good about myself. It was raining hard, but I wasn’t going to chicken out, even if my other friend said he wasn’t going. I drove to the first bar I had planned. It had a beach volleyball court and a dance floor. I chose it because out of the scarce few times I had ever gone out to a bar it was the one I had the best memories (the first time I ever kissed a girl happened there half a year ago). I walked through the rain to the bouncer and gave him my ID. There were a decent number of cars outside so I was hopeful. Inside I saw just a handful of couples in the main bar and was immediately disappointed by the scarce gathering. I checked and saw that the volleyball court and dance floors weren’t open then. I collected myself for a moment, then walked around for one last glance around. As I saw before: only couple’s and small groups of friends. No one sitting by themselves and no groups that looked very inviting. If I were to approach any women it would be a very bold and overt move, which made my shyness creep out. I quickly walked out back to my car. I felt pretty crappy, but I had a list of a few other bars a friend recommended, so I drove to the next one. When I got there I was already have a lot of negative thoughts going in my head, festering during the drive over. There were just three or four cars outside of a really plain looking bar. I froze in my car. I couldn’t go in. And so I just broke down. I was wondering why I was so upset, and couldn’t figure it out. I’m not a superstitious person, but I was very glad when a friend texted me; it felt like the universe was looking out for me. He asked how I was doing and I lied a little bit by saying, “mildly poorly”. He said he was too. Instead of talking though, like I suggested, he decided to watch TV. So still feeling bad, I texted a friend I hadn’t texted in forever. She’s like a little sister, but we don’t talk often because she frequently drops out of contact. She was thrilled to hear from me, but couldn’t talk because she was about to celebrate her birthday. I wished her happy birthday wishes, got a quick update about what’s going on in her life, and drove to my friend’s house thinking at least it would be nice to spend time with his dog. Dogs are therapeutic. When I arrived there I saw his car was still there. I was very surprised. Not wanting to seem like a loser for coming back so early, I drove further away while reading the texts from the friends I described above, expecting him and his wife to be leaving for their trip soon. When their car didn’t leave after half an hour I eventually drove up and walked in. His wife greeted me and was annoyed at my friend for not telling me that at the last minute (just an hour before I came in) they decided to not leave until the next morning because he was so tired. I was thrilled, and spoke and laughed with my friend for the next hour. My depression was still there, but it was more like a hangover, floating in the background now. Then I pulled out my book on how to draw gothic manga, and much to my surprise his wife took interest. I forget she was big into art herself. So while my friend fell asleep on the couch next to us, the two of us chose a drawing from the book that we would both work on. While we drew she shared tips on shading, and we both had deep conversation about various topics: the US political system, artificial intelligence, the role of biology in nutrition, and many more. Spending time with them both turned a horribly lonely and depressing night into an incredible one with friends. Looking back, it’s hard to believe that such an amazing experience rescued me from such a horrible one.

@Dannigan Yeah, as you alluded to in your journal, I'm starting to hit my stride in the endurance race. Enjoy your Friday! Day 4 I got up for an early workout at the gym for the first time. There were mainly old people there, so I felt a lot more confident while lifting weights. I know that's a very superficial attitude, but I'll take it if it helps me get stronger. After that I headed to class. We went over pharmacology further, and my whole class is frustrated with how lost we all are on certain topics within it. In my operations class we studied the 1995 Sarin gas attack in Tokyo. Absolutely terrifying. I would definitely be open to working at a hazmat fire station once I get my paramedic license; it's an area I want to help in. After this I'm going to the library to type up more patient care reports, then I'll do pushups and run, and lastly, I'll prepare for tonight. I'm going to a bar to work on building more confidence and charisma, especially in approaching women. My original plan was to go alone, which would probably will spur the greatest growth (though very intimidating), but there's a chance a mutual friend might be free to come along with me. It'd be cool to get to know him better one on one, and I would appreciate having someone to hang out with when neither of us are talking to girls. Saturday night my college is putting on a play, and it would be cool to go to. It'd be a nice break from all of the reading and school work I plan on doing tomorrow.

Dude, awesome turnaround! You made it a heck of a good day. Congrats on Paris! P.S. "Missing" or "skipping" would both work, depending on your meaning. You have good instincts for English, trust them.

@JSmith Fuel for the fire, man. Fuel for the fire. Day 3 Spent the day chilling at the ER. A friend joked that he was mad at me since a white cloud was following me around: no one was getting hurt. Didn't bother me too much, for the obvious reason of course (I'm all for people staying healthy), but also because it gave me more time to catch up on patient care reports. Highlights of the day were calming down a belligerent man who was making the nurses' lives hell, and that perfect IV stick I did at the end of shift. I fell asleep on the floor at home, and then pushed myself to get up to do some hill sprints before dinner. I'm going to do some yoga in a little bit before bed. Also, a friend called me and wanted me to dog sit for him Fri night to Sat evening. This is exciting since it means I can hit the night life tomorrow since I don't have to worry about accidentally waking up my parents when I come home late, since I'll be staying at his.

@Dannigan I appreciate the observation. Resilience and introspection have been my main super powers in life. And I've had other people say similar things about needing to blow off steam for a day. Maybe I need to plan my rest time better. Give specific times just to draw, read, and meet with others, and double the time it takes to get an assignment done. With less time on the computer I should have more time for those things. And as long as I'm not vegetating away in front of a screen I'm fine with relaxing. I've noticed that relapses come from trying to overtax my own willpower engine. It needs to be refueled, and I want to start providing it with quality fuel, rather than the cheap synthetic stuff. And ying-yang is definitely real. Everything evens out in the end. Last year I paused my dreams of med school to begin training as a paramedic firefighter. The yang was having to give up something precious to me for a while, but the yin was finding a useful way to prepare for my return while having unique and rewarding experiences. @info-gatherer Yeah, I have to agree. It's very Orwellian (think 1984): freedom is slavery, slavery is freedom. I thought I wanted freedom, but really I wanted to have a rigid schedule that suited my needs. Discipline allows us to build and follow our own schedule, but I'm not very effective at that yet. For now I'm grateful for school. And those are some interesting questions you posed. Well worth thinking about. Day 2 I woke up very tired this morning, so I worked more on my drawing to start off my day in a good mood. I then went off to the library to work on a batch of patient care reports due friday, and got half of them done. It was good to get ahead on work, and I went to the gym after. I’ve been having an on-again off-again relationship with calisthenics and running, which has been more off again lately, so I decided to hit the gym hard today and lift some weights. I struggled with weights half as heavy as what I could lift a couple years ago. I also came at a time with lots people around my age that were lifting heavy, which further made me feel self conscious. I became more reserved and just wanted to leave. Rather than letting that be a discouraging experience, I want to use this as further motivation of why I need to focus more on my fitness schedule. Attached below is drawing #3. It has much better facial symmetry, but I need to find a better resource on how to shade areas and put in fold lines on clothing. The facial shading looks especially rough, making him less of a drop-dead handsome vampire and more of a Heath Ledger Joker, but it was still fun to draw.

I can completely relate to this. Days when I sit around watching TV or youtube all day, I look back and wonder how it started. I know how toxic it is, but in the moment my subconscious tells me it's so right. I can only speak for my experience, but in those moments I'm usually either trying to start on a task that I've been procrastinating on because it's been causing me intense psychological pain, or I'm just going to a familiar source of pleasure to break me from the numbness I feel. I'd be curious to hear what you think is your source, and what you experience when the urges hit. When I quit gaming for a year I did it by replacing it with another addiction, the one I described above. Midway through the year I realized I really wasn't much better off. I still wasn't happy with myself. I was still using addiction to hide from solving my real life problems. And in that moment, and many times since, I sunk into the depressing feeling that this problem was something I couldn't possibly overcome. It would be something that would define me for the rest of my life. But my deepest, realest self only has one response to that thought. "Liar." If you've seen the Walking Dead it's like that scene when the Governor said that same word to Rick. Part of me was telling me that that negativity was bullshit. That I can beat this. You are prepared.

Day 1 I had class again, which I can see is much needed structure in my life. Not only that, but the outside social interaction is nice as an introvert, and makes the time back home feel that much more important. We learned about hazardous materials operations today, then I took a online pharmacology quiz during the break and the pharm midterm after. I felt like I got a mediocre score, which is unfortunate because it likely prevents me from getting an A, but it doesn't bother me too much. It felt good just to be back in the saddle. After class I took the time to go to the school computer lab to take some other quizzes. Being in a space meant for productivity made me feel more energized and ready to work. I guess this is yet another reason why I should go to the nearby library or a coffee shop on my days at home. When I got home I finished my book on the US voting system, and then cooked a stir fry. After I type this and look at a couple of other journals I'm going to finish my patient care reports due tonight and then hit the gym. Might pick up How to Make Friends and Influence People from the library while I'm there; I've been meaning to read it for a while. Also, I haven't forgotten about my drawing. I'm looking forward to working on it more tomorrow.

This morning I woke up early and did some sprinting up a nearby hill as my morning cardio. It felt like a great start to the day. I felt resistance to jumping straight into school work, so rather than deplete it I started working on the pen and paper game campaign I'd started a few days ago. As I worked on it I felt an urge to watch TV on the internet. I ignored it at first, but it was like an itch that needed to be scratched. Scratching it derailed my day. The only other useful thing I've done is submitted my patient care reports right before their deadline. Still haven't studied for my midterm tomorrow, or taken my other online quizzes. I plan to do both after I submit this. It's just so depressing to think about. Part of me wants to move on so badly I'd give one of my arms in exchange to do so. But that part of me must be deceived because I cave at the slightest sign of mental anguish. I don't understand it. And it drains my self-confidence and my energy, since I see myself as a lazy addict. It's like a sick joke. Like a movie where the protagonist is being tortured for the whereabouts of his friends, and he screams for mercy and gives in at the mere sight of the torturer entering the room. This lack of self integrity is probably the single biggest blockage to my self actualization in life. To becoming a man I can look in the mirror and respect. And before I cut all of this self-pitying out, I need to make some sort of promise. A real one. Not like the hundreds of thousands I've made in the past. One in which I show compassions to my future self by giving him the best fighting chance to succeed in life, and one in which I honor all of the hopes and efforts of my past self. And yet... I've made all those promises in the past, so it's hard to believe this myself with this one. So if it's not a promise based on integrity, then it's an effort placed on hope. Because hope is something I can still put my money on. She is a Virtue that has never left me down. I may be too weak to beat this, but I know She can.

Sounds like your body was tired and went to the way it knows best to rest. Same thing happens to me. The willpower to do something more productive was depleted by the activities earlier. The way to fix this isn't an easy answer, but I believe it involves setting new baseline habits on what you do when you want to rest. That takes a lot of time and effort though. You spent much of your day on fun and productive activities. It's good to hear.

@Dannigan It feels like I am on an IV drip of "flow" as I draw, and the bag needs to be replaced periodically when I hit snags. During times when everything runs smoothly there is no outside world, just me, the pencil, the paper, and the lines coming being generated. Then I hit hard parts where the symmetry is off or some other details looks glaringly out of sync. I'm taken out of flow as I fix these, and hit a certain amount of stress, that can be either eustress or distress depending on how easily the problem is amended, replaces the flow. Either way, the challenge of overcoming a problem with a creative solution is what makes the sense of timelessness and looking at the final product so rewarding. Take the eyes in the second picture for example. Working on the eyes to make them look more human was frustrating, but it was enjoyable to add tear pooling that took some of the focus off of them. The ruffles around the neck are another example of a problem child that turned out better than I originally intended due to some problem solving. Day 3 I remember last semester when clinicals at the ER seemed liked a herculean task. The necessity of having to spend hundreds of hours there has made me tougher as a person and more competent as a paramedic, and I am starting to enjoy it. Today was laid back, which means few people were getting hurt on Easter. This was good news, and I used this time to catch up on my previous patient reports on my phone. I did get to work a couple of traumas at the end of the day, and it felt really good to be part of the team that saved someone's life. I started on my second drawing, which I should finish tomorrow. I have a midterm Tuesday, so tomorrow will be interesting as far as how I do in balancing all of the work I need to get done. Paradoxically, I find I have more time when I meditate, exercise, and read, so I'll be sure to make time for them as well. Life is such a beautiful game.

Day 2 I have another clinical tomorrow, so I tried to get a lot done today. I studied drug dose calculations in the morning, but was feeling very distracted while doing so. Urges to vegetate on the computer were coming up. So I pulled out my notebook and started on the second drawing. I built a solid frame for it, but after fixing some snags I hit early on I decided that I needed to use my time towards school work again. So I ran down to the local library. Those runs always feel amazing and remind me how much I enjoy exercise once I get started. The library closes early on the weekend and it was already fairly late in the day, so I only had an hour to enter in the patient data I obtained from last saturday. Once it started closing I ran home and then tried to finish up there. About midway through I was hitting tremendous pushback mentally. I really didn't want to do it. So my devious subconscious tried to "help" me. It suggested going on youtube to listen to music, and that seemed harmless enough after all, so I could make an exception this time. A little bit later I decided to click on a video, and after I did so I became much more self-conscious of what I was doing. After watching it I exited out of youtube and finished my work. There is a strong temptation to start my day count over again. I'll consider it depending on how the next few days go. Still, today wasn't a bad day. It was restful and I did get some things done for school. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I wish I had done a lot more. I spent quite a while on this second drawing and entered into a state of flow working on it. This one was a lot more complex. It was supposed to be a fearful human, but turned out to be a terrifying gothic woman. This is due largely to the eyes, which I had a lot of trouble with. The shape of the face and it's placement on the neck could use work as well. There are quite a few other things that I see could be improved, and I have mixed feelings about the last minute background I added, but I'm proud of it overall. The details of the clothing, hair, and jewelry are great, the tears have a really cool effect, and I applied some advanced techniques like showing folds in the clothing and having a little bit of shading throughout. I'm excited about how well this is going, and am looking forward to when I can draw images without a guide. This seems like a perfect replacement for time on the internet. It's challenging, fun, and has visible progress. It even becomes social when I share it.

It looks like your first 25 days have been wildly successful. That's really awesome to see. During my last detox I used YouTube as my replacement for gaming, and it turned out to be just as pernicious. Finding some quick activity to do at home may help when easing down time on Facebook. Reading and push-ups are two examples that work for me.

That's awesome man. I'm hoping this will be a really great break for you. I can say from personal experience that breaks are tough, so making it through that will give you a lot of confidence. And I need to pick up some bowling tips from you sometime. I usually get destroyed because I'm a gutterball making machine. Now when I challenge my friends to air hockey.... that's a different story.

@Dannigan That means a heck of a lot to me. It's embarrassing to get sappy, and I don't even have the words for it, so I'll stick with this: thank you very, very much Dani. @info-gatherer You're right. Whether I stay in bed or jump out of bed has a largely statistically significant (I'm guessing) correlation on whether I'll relapse or be productive that day. As for sleep, it's my kryptonite. Without enough (or as you point out, interestingly, too much of it) and I crumble. This provides yet one more good reason why I should safeguard my sleep schedule. Day 1 I didn't journal yesterday because I chickened out. It started out a good day, playing frisbee with a friend I hadn't seen in months, taking a quiz for school at the library, and then getting a book out on how to draw manga. When I got home I had the urge to watch youtube on my phone. It seems silly now. I really don't know why I listened to that little voice when I knew how much it had hurt me in the past and how many other fun and productive things I could be doing. And so the rest of my day I binged on youtube and TV shows on the internet. That night it was very late and I looked back on my day with despair, like a Dementor sucked away all of my joy. I woke up with that feeling continuing. I didn't want to go to my clinical, and I knew that the time misused yesterday is going to greatly bite me later. I just felt a sense of doom. Like there was no hope in the world. Like my mind and body were decaying. And in that feeling of mortality, I became a little bit more free. It was as if my subconscious were recognizing that I would rather let us both go down with the ship than live with addiction, and it was begrudging getting with the program... just a little bit. So I've lied to myself more times than I can count, and have started over for almost every day since the one I first decided to quit, but I feel optimistic that I can do it. I quit gaming for a year, and while this is harder and closer to the inferno of the root of my addiction, I feel at ease. It can be done. It will be done. So I went to my clinical. It was a very slow morning, but that's ok. I met with friends for lunch, had a fantastic time, and then came back to find that the nurses had a lot more work for me. So I did some IV's, gathered blankets and vitals, and even helped one nurse clean up feces (which is yet another reason why this experience has given me a much greater respect for nurses). When I got home I hung out with my parents for a while, talking and eating dinner. Then I drew my first drawing from the manga book, which I'll enclose below. After that I waiting for my turn at the computer so I could type up my journal on here, so I pulled up some music on my phone and just felt like dancing. I felt so at peace that I danced until my joints were sore, almost an hour later. Midway through this experience I decided to look in the mirror. I saw that what looked like a modern day Napoleon Dynamite, looking just as corny. I started to become self-conscious and was more conservative in my movements to appear more masculine. Then a thought came to my mind, "Why do you care? No one is here, and even if they were it still wouldn't matter". And so I kept on. And I realized that there is a second important fundamental to happiness: Yes, quit addictive and harmful habits first and foremost to be happy. But also... Stop caring about what others think, and find growthful activities you enjoy. Yeah, I know, way to go captain obvious. But this discovery was more an emotional one than a logical one. There are many things we know that we emotionally don't follow. That's why we end up doing what we don't want to. So in that vein, I really enjoyed drawing tonight. As I drew I saw tons of mistakes I was making as I went, which excited me. If I see what I can do better than I'll improve quickly. My picture looks very little like what I was copying, but I am incredibly proud of it. I've come a long way from that little kid whose art teacher thought their drawings were chicken-scratch.

Staying up all night during that clinical really took a toll. I snuck in half an hour of sleep when I found that it was going to be a slow night and the nurses had it under control, but my body didnt want more than that. Surprisingly, I was able to skim through 90 pages of one of my books on politics and finished it. The rest of the night I was just trying to stay awake, though I did get more experience with IV's and blood draws, and a nurse that was a former EMT took me under her wing to teach me a few tidbits about physiology that I didnt know. When I got home at 7:30am I plopped into bed and slept until 1:30pm today (though I lay in bed when I woke up for an unknown quantity of time, so I dont know how much sleep I really got). I just felt sluggish, like I was sick, from so little sleep. I knew it was a bad idea, but I've spent my time on the internet watching various things all day. I almost wanted to lie about this being day 2 of success on here, but that would break one of the my cardinal rules of not lying to myself and would overall just be unwise. So for the last couple hours I've been devising a pen and paper game. I know its another miscellaneous use of time, but at this point I'm trying to build positive momentum so I can get a lot done tomorrow before going back to the grind of ER clinicals on Friday. Expectations Always there Brief or lasting Cast aside Determined trying The value of an expectation is how far it's breathed to life.

Day 1 Im at an overnight ER rotation right now, and I'm taking a break. We were getting a lot of traumas earlier. As far as the day goes, relaxing in the morning set me up for success. I meditated some, hung out with my dog, and then was ready to write a short paper for my paramedic operations course. I took a quiz, went running and got fantastic haircut. After unkempt hair for so long it feels amazing to look good, and I've been walking around more confidently on account of it. I even fit workout in after being so erratic about it in the past. Hopefully I can get some more school work done before heading back to my patients. Life is good. Growth Aspirations as a seed Broad roots Carrying nutrients Deriving strength The journey is the destination.

When I lived in a dorm the two guys who lived next to me liked to loudly party some nights. My roommate and I played good cop bad cop when confronting them. I always enjoyed being the bad cop since I'm usually the nice guy. I've learned over the past few years that we can play both roles ourselves, and it's best to start as the bad cop before lightening up. And props for safeguarding your schedule.

@info-gatherer I enjoyed sharing what I wrote, though I agree it is an obscure read. I enjoy adding hidden depth to my poems, though it's still a skill I'm working on. And don't sell yourself short, from what I've seen your written english is indistinguishable from a native speaker. And lets plays are definitely banned. I just override my own rules a lot. Finding unity between my conscious and subconscious so that they both want the same thing is when I accomplish the things I want. That's really what I'm looking for in life. Another day at the ER. I got a lot of work done and did a ton of IV's. The nurse I chose to work with was swamped all day, so it felt good to ease her burden a bit. I even got one of her patients to laugh and switch to a really good mood after breaking down about her home life. I'm exhausted now, but I have to say that I'm valuing and enjoying these experiences more. At home my dad was watching star trek, and I gave in to temptation and watched it too as I ate. I just watched a few youtube videos as well. Not too bad after a productive day, but I'm not going to count it. Tomorrow I'm going to sleep in and read a lot. I want to set myself up in the best situation possible to want to get work done. Looking forward to it.

I don't know if I directly can empathize with that feeling of anguish, but I know I've felt similar many times. For me it comes feeling like I'm a spectator of my own life and I can feel the harsh judgement I am projecting on myself for not meeting my goals. Could be a completely different root source/feeling for you though. Worth introspecting further.

@info-gatherer I'd usually agree, but this was a very approachable situation. I just chickened out. Water under the bridge. I'll attach one of my poems at the end of this post. I woke up at a nice and early time to get started on my work today. Took a walk and read for a while first. I also reserved a book on how to draw from my library since it would be an easy thing to add to my nightly schedule. When the time came for school work my mind was in rebellion. Got a little bit done but then succumbed to watching tv and let's plays for the rest of the day. This really is like hardcore mode. I noticed my mood and overall attitude about life dramatically decreased. This is why it's such an important undertaking, no matter how difficult it is. I at least got the bare minimum I needed done, and will have to play catch up on my non clinical days this week. I'm experimenting with a new poem type each week, and this one I'm trying the ABC style: Climb Always looming Beyond reach Clenched fists Drawn breath It is insurmountable in my mind. Abler frames failed Braver souls shrank Climbing down the sheer Doubling back the path I walk past them. A peak above Bare hands on stone Clutching the moment Declaring the time That hope was first to reach the top.

Day 3 On the way to my ER clinical this morning I thought about how cool it would be to learn to draw. Yet another skill of many I'd like to learn, but I know I should focus in and triage the most important ones for now. It was a long day with lots of down time to read on my phone, and it made me yearn even more to read at home, which is a good sign. During active times I enjoyed helping nurses with tasks ranging from menial to critical. One of the doctors even came in and said we saved the life of a woman who was in septic shock through our aggressive treatment. At lunch I saw a large group of cute nursing students, but still chickened out of approaching them. It's funny, I am very confident and assertive in a professional setting, but it all seems an enigma when it comes to how to start small talk with random girls. Even harder to maintain it. It's all a matter of experience. Making small talk with strangers more often might be a good practical exercise. Maintaining a positive, even childlike, joy about life is the best way to go I've found over the past few days. On that note I'm excited to be able to rest tomorrow and read even though I have a seemingly insurmountable amount of work to complete. If I break it into small chunks and use my time wisely I should be able to make a dent in it. That would feel great. Time to write poetry now.

Day 2 In the long interim when I wasn't writing in this journal I picked up a job as an EMT for non-emergency medical transports. I thought it would give me good experience with my basic skills to prepare for when I am a paramedic in a year. I do one shift a week usually, and today was the one I chose for this week. I struggled to get out of bed, like yesterday, which led to missing my workout. I didn't beat myself up too much because it's one of my secondary goals for this detox, which is why I'm glad I set it up this way. I was working with a pretty cool guy I went through my EMT class with, but I found out he was a non-driver, so I drove the ambulance all day. On paper this looked like a great opportunity, but we drove over 150 miles only three patient transports total. I was so sore from sitting by the end of the day. It wasn't that bad an experience, but I once made a promise to myself that I wouldn't work a job unless it lead to personal growth. This one no longer does. So to better utilize my time so I can read, study, and workout more I'm likely going to quit it. On the bright side, though, I can finally understand why people who worked a lot were always confused about why I spent my free time so unproductively. When you work hard and have little free time you value the time you have. I hope to take that perspective while still having lots of unscheduled time to create the best of both worlds. This also reaffirms that I should get back on the pre med path as soon as possible, after I've learned more about discipline from being a paramedic. Im exhausted and have a 12 hour ER clinical early tomorrow. I'm going to read to raise morale and then go to bed soon.

I like your attitude. You seem to view these interviews as a growth experience, regardless of outcome (though of course a job would be nice). You're leveling up your skills, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're having fun too. As for the resistance to work, try visualizing yourself doing the work for 5 minutes before trying it. Imagine yourself having enjoying it and finding creative solutions when you hit a brick wall in your work. If you can listen to music while doing so that may help make it fun as well.

I can relate heavily to most of what you've said. It's been an almost seven year war for me. Sometimes I've felt like this is how I'll always be: stuck in addiction and despair instead of the productive and happy life I want. But... I see the way up in front of me. I don't have any other option than to climb it, and by necessity I do. And I find myself farther along and my muscles stronger each day. So if I slide back down some it's easier going back up. The same is true for you. You'll reach the top.

Day 1 I'm glad I had such good momentum yesterday to carry into today. I didn't get up to work out when my alarm went off, but still got up in time for class. We went over the upcoming midterm material in pharmacology and had a very interesting lecture on technical rescue in my second class. Learning about the firefighter side of things really amps me up for the future since I've been in the medical portion for so long. When I got home I really wanted to just relax and watch Rick and Morty or some other mindless activity, but knew that would be shooting myself in the foot. I read a book I got out of the library about the US political system instead, and learned how the electoral college works in depth for the first time in my life (it surprises me how ignorant I've been about how my own government works). I was having a lot of fun reading, but knew I should work on school work. So I meditated some, went for a run, and as soon as I started on the work the urges came back. There were there to avoid the pain of real work. So I made dinner, talked to a friend on the phone, and now I'm typing this up. A little bit of a bummer I didn't get the work done, but I allowed my detox to begin which is the key. I feel really good about it. Like the feeling of a shower and a haircut after being greasy for a long time. A little mental cleaning. Ive started writing poetry every night, so I'm looking forward to that in a little bit, and am going to wake up early tomorrow for my workout. Early morning workouts are the best.