[d.manuk's journal]

A couple days ago someone liked one of my older posts in my journal, and I saw this video on the same page. I remember really liking this yoga flow so I did it today. It was my first "real" workout I've done in months. It felt good to do. I'm going to repeat it again later in the week. After a few months dedicated to making myself feel better, I'm now ready to get back to making myself better.

 

[d.manuk's journal]

Turns out there hasn't been any new anime since April.

lol

Japan's society is so outdated technology-wise in a lot of ways, it's not surprising that they can't handle working from home.

[d.manuk's journal]

@BooksandTrees I like that I live a 10 minute walk from a hiking trail. Malden is also very quiet compared to NYC and I find it relaxing.

 

I wish I had a car and could afford to buy a house. I haven’t had much of a chance to interact with people but a lot in the Boston area seem to be very unhealthy, eating a lot of junk food and drinking beer seems to be very common here which I can’t relate to. I think in NYC it was a lot easier to find people interested in healthy eating and hippy types of people.

[d.manuk's journal]

Today, I did my laundry which I had been putting off for over a month. 😬

I also cleaned my whole apartment. For the first time in a while, I feel like I'm getting back on track. I'm someone that really values a clean and minimal living environment, so finally getting around to doing it is really good for my mental health. I've been channeling a lot of energy into creating art and catching up on work at the detriment to other things. I still have a bunch of tasks to catch up on like installing a new shower head and installing curtain hooks, just a lot of small chores and things to experiment with. But I'm on the right track. I haven't watched any TV shows or anime or read any WEBTOONs since the start of Coronavirus. I've just been reading a lot of Reddit, watching YouTube videos and chatting on Discord. But I should try to get back into those soon, I remember them bringing me a lot of joy. 

[Dear Diary...]

I haven't really exercised in about 3 months. I've been making excuses for myself due to Coronavirus, but really it's just that -- excuses.

I do find it much easier to get into the mindset to exercise at a gym though, as it is partly a "performance" since other people are around.

[d.manuk's journal]

Latest art piece:

 

I'm happy with the anatomy in this drawing as well as the line art I did for it.

I wanted to practice mixing darker skin tones for the BLM movement happening. I usually just use beige out of the tube.

I think the takeaway is that I can mix darker skin tones, but I need to practice shading clothing more.

[d.manuk's journal]

Latest art piece:

 

[d.manuk's journal]

I came across this quote on Reddit that felt applicable: Feeling angry at being disrespected is a logical response, and shows some indication that you understand that you deserve better.

 

I looked at my ex's Instagram stories, and I think his eyes look very sad. I wonder how he’s doing, but also don’t really want to know. I miss my friends in NYC but I’m doing alright.

I've been streaming on Twitch as I work on my art piece. On the days when I actually have someone in the room with me, I work for a lot longer than I would on my own which was the whole point of streaming my art. Yesterday I streamed and made art for 6 hours!!! Usually it’s 1 hour maximum. The Creative category is not very popular on Twitch, but that could also be an opportunity for me.

[d.manuk's journal]

I’ve decided to see what being a watercolor artist streamer on Twitch would be like. It seems like it could be fun and get me to do more art.

[d.manuk's journal]

I think I've managed to let go of a lot of the sadness that stemmed from my unmet expectations of my previous relationship. Time is doing it's thing. Is there a next step that I should take this thinking, or is that it and I've closed that chapter of my life?

 

[d.manuk's journal]

Finally finished this art piece I've been working on. It's 22" x 30"

[d.manuk's journal]

I created an art and tea meetup group to set the stage for finding more friends and socializing.

[d.manuk's journal]

2019 was actually a very great year, despite my tumultuous relationship. I created a 2019 highlight of my past Instagram stories and it was really nice to look back on.

 

The beginning on 2019 didn't look so great either but there were a lot of gems in the second half of the year... I have a feeling this year is going to go the same way!

[d.manuk's journal]

I've been having good days but it's also been hard. I wonder if Mike sometimes stops what he's doing and realizes he misses me, like I do with him. I really miss his company today. I feel very isolated with the quarantine.

I can suddenly feel very lost and alone sometimes and I'm not used to it. Suddenly all of this time passed by like a quick dream, a lot of unexpected and unbelievable things happened to me while we were together.

I'm still in a lot of pain from my breakup but I don't feel it most of the time.

[d.manuk's journal]

Today I was doing some deep cleaning and came across 3 journals written from Jan 2018 through mid-2019. There weren't many journal entries (more to-do lists), but some were jarring to read now that I’m out of the situation. I tore out 2 pages of good to-do lists and threw the 3 journals out. It felt good to release the journals and not have to stumble upon them again in the future.

 

After living here in Malden, MA for 2 months my apartment is starting to feel like a home. I love the freedom! 😊

[d.manuk's journal]

I think I still need about 7 weeks to fully transform into an upgraded version of myself.

May 2 2020

[d.manuk's journal]

I’m thriving right now.

[d.manuk's journal]

I just caught myself expecting you to come home

 

I really miss the babe side of you I had been in love with

[d.manuk's journal]

So...I did smoke some weed and did play some video games.

Now I'm not as sick, I don't want to do either atm. My excuse was that I was sick and very bored since I couldn't go to the gym or have sex which have been my main 2 hobbies over the past month. Can't wait to feel fully better and go back to the gym asap. Gaming was fun, but also mildly stressful and I don't really miss it. It was a fun activity to do when I wasn't feel good and didn't have much else going on.

Either way I made it hard on myself by going to a eSports gaming lounge my in neighborhood and playing there. It was actually an interesting experience, not as cozy as doing it at home and its a 12 minute walk to get there so I have to put in some work to play the video games. It actually is a good way to regulate my gaming usage. 

I think I'm going to buy some more plants. I also miss drinking tea and realized I sold my tea ware too soon, too quickly... I bought some of it back. It hasn't been the best past few days but I'm starting to be able to breathe more clearly through my nose and I'm sure in 2 days I will be good to go. I feel optimistic today. 

[d.manuk's journal]

I have a cold so I’ve been especially bored. I took the last 2 days off from work and I started working on a painting I had been working on a few months ago but I’m not that thrilled with it. It’s more cartoony and my newer style is a little more realistic I think. I’m still going to finish it, I want to experiment with a new art photography technique I researched.

[d.manuk's journal]

I almost ordered some marijuana. Yikes! Thankfully I stopped myself. Also thought about playing League of Legends for a few minutes but also don’t have good internet so I put that thought away too. 

I’ve been thinking of creating a drawing meetup group, which would cost money but that way I could have people over at my house to draw. I’m having a hard time socializing so far and have been pretty alone. 

[d.manuk's journal]

And yet, yesterday I felt pretty happy about being alone in my quiet apartment. I guess it comes and goes. 

[d.manuk's journal]

I’m lonely and want a boyfriend. But someone told me it would be good for me to be single for a while since I’ve never lived in my own or been single for very long. But I miss having someone around that cares about me.

[d.manuk's journal]

Ergh. I don't look good today, I have a good amount of breakouts. I'm supposed to meet with my new fwb today and I am stressed out about it due to the way I look. It's funny, because I had some breakouts when we last met too, though I think I look worse today. But he had told me I looked very sexy. But basically, I care about this person now and so I am stressed out about the way I look whereas if it were some random person I knew nothing about, I wouldn't care as much.

I really want to cancel on him, but I don't think I should do that. It would hurt our forward momentum since its so early on and we had made plans to see each other today. I fucking hate the way I look sometimes. 🤬

 

Edit: I took a look I’m a different mirror with less harsh light and decided I didn’t look too bad. Not bad enough to cancel at least. I still don’t look very beautiful though.

[d.manuk's journal]

Literally just had the best and most fulFILLING sex I’ve had in at least a year. Probably the 2nd best of my life. God it was so good and so needed. I’m happy I found this guy. He knows a lot about classical music since he plays the violin so I will get to hear some more awesome music too which is great since I feel it’s very niche and has a lot of different songs. Pretty sure I just found my first friend with benefits. He thought I was hot even though I’m having a not so great skin day. I don’t really understand why. God I feel high. Happy I found someone I can be a bit more stable with, he can save me from myself a little bit haha.