d.manuk

A couple days ago someone liked one of my older posts in my journal, and I saw this video on the same page. I remember really liking this yoga flow so I did it today. It was my first "real" workout I've done in months. It felt good to do. I'm going to repeat it again later in the week. After a few months dedicated to making myself feel better, I'm now ready to get back to making myself better.

Turns out there hasn't been any new anime since April. lol Japan's society is so outdated technology-wise in a lot of ways, it's not surprising that they can't handle working from home.

@BooksandTrees I like that I live a 10 minute walk from a hiking trail. Malden is also very quiet compared to NYC and I find it relaxing. I wish I had a car and could afford to buy a house. I haven’t had much of a chance to interact with people but a lot in the Boston area seem to be very unhealthy, eating a lot of junk food and drinking beer seems to be very common here which I can’t relate to. I think in NYC it was a lot easier to find people interested in healthy eating and hippy types of people.

Today, I did my laundry which I had been putting off for over a month. 😬 I also cleaned my whole apartment. For the first time in a while, I feel like I'm getting back on track. I'm someone that really values a clean and minimal living environment, so finally getting around to doing it is really good for my mental health. I've been channeling a lot of energy into creating art and catching up on work at the detriment to other things. I still have a bunch of tasks to catch up on like installing a new shower head and installing curtain hooks, just a lot of small chores and things to experiment with. But I'm on the right track. I haven't watched any TV shows or anime or read any WEBTOONs since the start of Coronavirus. I've just been reading a lot of Reddit, watching YouTube videos and chatting on Discord. But I should try to get back into those soon, I remember them bringing me a lot of joy.

I haven't really exercised in about 3 months. I've been making excuses for myself due to Coronavirus, but really it's just that -- excuses. I do find it much easier to get into the mindset to exercise at a gym though, as it is partly a "performance" since other people are around.

Latest art piece: I'm happy with the anatomy in this drawing as well as the line art I did for it. I wanted to practice mixing darker skin tones for the BLM movement happening. I usually just use beige out of the tube. I think the takeaway is that I can mix darker skin tones, but I need to practice shading clothing more.

Latest art piece:

I came across this quote on Reddit that felt applicable: Feeling angry at being disrespected is a logical response, and shows some indication that you understand that you deserve better. I looked at my ex's Instagram stories, and I think his eyes look very sad. I wonder how he’s doing, but also don’t really want to know. I miss my friends in NYC but I’m doing alright. I've been streaming on Twitch as I work on my art piece. On the days when I actually have someone in the room with me, I work for a lot longer than I would on my own which was the whole point of streaming my art. Yesterday I streamed and made art for 6 hours!!! Usually it’s 1 hour maximum. The Creative category is not very popular on Twitch, but that could also be an opportunity for me.

I’ve decided to see what being a watercolor artist streamer on Twitch would be like. It seems like it could be fun and get me to do more art.

I think I've managed to let go of a lot of the sadness that stemmed from my unmet expectations of my previous relationship. Time is doing it's thing. Is there a next step that I should take this thinking, or is that it and I've closed that chapter of my life?

Finally finished this art piece I've been working on. It's 22" x 30"

I created an art and tea meetup group to set the stage for finding more friends and socializing.

2019 was actually a very great year, despite my tumultuous relationship. I created a 2019 highlight of my past Instagram stories and it was really nice to look back on. The beginning on 2019 didn't look so great either but there were a lot of gems in the second half of the year... I have a feeling this year is going to go the same way!

I've been having good days but it's also been hard. I wonder if Mike sometimes stops what he's doing and realizes he misses me, like I do with him. I really miss his company today. I feel very isolated with the quarantine. I can suddenly feel very lost and alone sometimes and I'm not used to it. Suddenly all of this time passed by like a quick dream, a lot of unexpected and unbelievable things happened to me while we were together. I'm still in a lot of pain from my breakup but I don't feel it most of the time.

Today I was doing some deep cleaning and came across 3 journals written from Jan 2018 through mid-2019. There weren't many journal entries (more to-do lists), but some were jarring to read now that I’m out of the situation. I tore out 2 pages of good to-do lists and threw the 3 journals out. It felt good to release the journals and not have to stumble upon them again in the future. After living here in Malden, MA for 2 months my apartment is starting to feel like a home. I love the freedom! 😊

I think I still need about 7 weeks to fully transform into an upgraded version of myself. May 2 2020

I’m thriving right now.

I just caught myself expecting you to come home I really miss the babe side of you I had been in love with

So...I did smoke some weed and did play some video games. Now I'm not as sick, I don't want to do either atm. My excuse was that I was sick and very bored since I couldn't go to the gym or have sex which have been my main 2 hobbies over the past month. Can't wait to feel fully better and go back to the gym asap. Gaming was fun, but also mildly stressful and I don't really miss it. It was a fun activity to do when I wasn't feel good and didn't have much else going on. Either way I made it hard on myself by going to a eSports gaming lounge my in neighborhood and playing there. It was actually an interesting experience, not as cozy as doing it at home and its a 12 minute walk to get there so I have to put in some work to play the video games. It actually is a good way to regulate my gaming usage. I think I'm going to buy some more plants. I also miss drinking tea and realized I sold my tea ware too soon, too quickly... I bought some of it back. It hasn't been the best past few days but I'm starting to be able to breathe more clearly through my nose and I'm sure in 2 days I will be good to go. I feel optimistic today.

I have a cold so I’ve been especially bored. I took the last 2 days off from work and I started working on a painting I had been working on a few months ago but I’m not that thrilled with it. It’s more cartoony and my newer style is a little more realistic I think. I’m still going to finish it, I want to experiment with a new art photography technique I researched.

I almost ordered some marijuana. Yikes! Thankfully I stopped myself. Also thought about playing League of Legends for a few minutes but also don’t have good internet so I put that thought away too. I’ve been thinking of creating a drawing meetup group, which would cost money but that way I could have people over at my house to draw. I’m having a hard time socializing so far and have been pretty alone.

And yet, yesterday I felt pretty happy about being alone in my quiet apartment. I guess it comes and goes.

I’m lonely and want a boyfriend. But someone told me it would be good for me to be single for a while since I’ve never lived in my own or been single for very long. But I miss having someone around that cares about me.

Ergh. I don't look good today, I have a good amount of breakouts. I'm supposed to meet with my new fwb today and I am stressed out about it due to the way I look. It's funny, because I had some breakouts when we last met too, though I think I look worse today. But he had told me I looked very sexy. But basically, I care about this person now and so I am stressed out about the way I look whereas if it were some random person I knew nothing about, I wouldn't care as much. I really want to cancel on him, but I don't think I should do that. It would hurt our forward momentum since its so early on and we had made plans to see each other today. I fucking hate the way I look sometimes. 🤬 Edit: I took a look I’m a different mirror with less harsh light and decided I didn’t look too bad. Not bad enough to cancel at least. I still don’t look very beautiful though.

Literally just had the best and most fulFILLING sex I’ve had in at least a year. Probably the 2nd best of my life. God it was so good and so needed. I’m happy I found this guy. He knows a lot about classical music since he plays the violin so I will get to hear some more awesome music too which is great since I feel it’s very niche and has a lot of different songs. Pretty sure I just found my first friend with benefits. He thought I was hot even though I’m having a not so great skin day. I don’t really understand why. God I feel high. Happy I found someone I can be a bit more stable with, he can save me from myself a little bit haha.