d.manuk

Someone recently posted about how my journal inspired them, and I was very surprised. To be honest, since this journal is so long I didn’t expect people to even bother reading it at this point. As my journal has gotten longer and longer, I noticed that the number of people commenting on it drastically decreased because it’s more of a time commitment to catch up to the present. New journals tend to get the most comments, which is exactly what should happen since they need the most support. Although I don’t need external validation at this point, I will admit it does feel good knowing I’m not only talking to myself on here. ? I finished this art piece just in time for the cutoff deadline for the exhibition. It’s in a different style than what I’ve done in the past — a little more aggressive with the colors and I chose not to use any ink to outline which gives it a less cartoon-y feel. I haven’t done any social activities in more than a week other than with my boyfriend, and I am starting to really feel it. Luckily I have plans to go to a drawing meetup group tonight.

Nice! I've found socialization goals to be very important to my long-term success and wasn't something I had focused on at the beginning of my journey.

Thanks, I will think about what you said over the next few days. The forum is very small, only about 20 members that post on a regular basis though there are other people that also post occasionally. So having issues with a large percentage of the active user base isn't the best environment.

Today, someone made a blog post and in one part of it attacked something I had said over a month ago... and posted it on my favorite forum. He was also in a position of power. Although I don’t know the person, this bothered me a lot. I’m very sensitive... I decided to quit the forum, since the person wasn’t reprimanded. I don’t need that kind of energy in my life or to be a part of a community that accepts people acting that way.

I’m very happy with my life now. Earlier on in this journal I had listed hobbies I was going to pursue more and I’ve kept at it and I’m starting to see some rewards for my efforts. 2 of my art pieces will be displayed in an art exhibit next month. I actively perused and made 2 new friends and I’ve been organizing a lot of hang outs with my friends (if I don’t, we won’t hang out lol). Progress in my art has been really slow, the rewards are a lot lot slower than in gaming. I’ve been getting more serious about it lately, and one of my friends is an artist and I try to have her over at my house once a week where we just create art together all day. It’s really helpful for both of us and it’s pushing us out of our comfort zones and keeps us accountable to each other. I think this is the secret sauce for me not to relapse in gaming or drugs and I am placing a lot of stock into that relationship, though my friend may not be that aware of it. I have no desire to game or do drugs at this moment in my life because I’m happy and have a lot of fun things I’m pursuing. I feel very proud of my progress.

@Sapuverell I only spend an hour a week on Instagram according to screentime... usually on the toilet or waiting in line somewhere lol. ? I don't like it that much, I spend more time on reddit where I can learn something.

I own 14 plants now. I owned zero at the start of January! It really complements my minimalist apartment and helps round it out. They clean the air so at least they are functional in addition to looking nice. I went on my trip to Taiwan and Hong Kong. Taiwan was really nice... Hong Kong was gross. I've been drawing a lot more lately. I've been getting people to pose for me and then we can also have a conversation while I paint them. I've also come to realize the importance of using social media in relation to having friends. It's important to seem active and social from the outside in order to attract more people into your life, and social media is a way to do that. So I've started using my instagram (again). I deleted a lot of older pictures and am starting fresh.

I worked out for 2 hours today! I ate a big dinner last night after my workout, which gave me enough energy today to finish my regular workout and also do the rest of yesterday's workout that I didn't have the energy to complete. So I did 1.5 workouts today ? I'm very happy with how that turned out. I'm currently doing my laundry. Will do my best to do more things and pack before I go to sleep!

I went to the gym today and had a (semi) decent workout. It wasn't as good as the ones I was having 2 weeks ago, but for my first real time in the gym in a while it went well and I had enough energy to do the 3 big exercises. My metabolism will soon rev up after another hard workout and I'm optimistic I'll be having pretty good sessions as my appetite starts increasing to match. I potted the peppermint plants I bought last week. My skin is looking better than yesterday so my confidence is coming back at about 85% strength. I need to define what 2019 "Release" is going to look like for me in a future entry.

This week has been hard for me. I struggled a lot with low self confidence due to a breakout and didn't really leave the house or go to the gym. Things are starting to look up though on that front since my skin is healing from the worst of it. I'm very hard on myself when it comes to looking attractive. I finished planning my Hong Kong and Taiwan trip. I leave in 2 days! I've also have been exploring new hobbies since the beginning of the year that I am enjoying a lot and really fit my personality. Specifically, essential oil aromatherapy and having an indoor plant garden. Owning an essential oil nebulizer has been surprisingly positive for my life. Smelling wonderful things all the time is great! I'm happy I came across these hobbies because it gives me more options on filling my time while still being an introvert. Here is an updated list of passions from earlier in my journal. I also realized that almost all of them fit under the theme of "beauty" as opposed to the other categories I had previously. In a way, even the hobbies under imagination fit under beauty as well. I guess I really like nice looking things. I wish some of these more niche hobbies I've been exploring had been listed in @Cam Adair's hobby ideas when I had read through them. I think they are great for introverts.

Very exhausted. I'm planning a trip to Taiwan and Hong Kong that I'm leaving for in a little over a week, while also buying new plants for the house and testing a new set of watercolors I bought.

The theme of 2019 is going to be "RELEASE"

Haven't played video games since Monday. I think I only played 4 league games during my slip up. Anyway, I'm back on track now. Very busy.

The period where I didn't game for over a year was when I was studying for a certification and simply didn't have time to do anything else otherwise I wouldn't have passed. Lately I seem to be in a place where I don't game for a good amount of time, then play games for a few days and then stop again by uninstalling to ensure I keep doing other things. But I need to stay in a "I am quitting" mindset because otherwise gaming will become a daily habit for months at a time, which is something I don't want. It would likely be better if I didn't play (because of the risk of it becoming a longer-term habit) at all but sometimes I slip up!

Unfortunately, I played some video games yesterday. I don't know. The setting was just so strong and I couldn't think of anything else that could help pass the time. I said yesterday that I'd only play 3 games and then stop playing. I played 2 then decided to uninstall... but later in the night I wanted to play more so I re-installed.... now I'm playing again this morning. Oh, man!!!!!!! I'm already quickly falling back into my gaming routine. Wah. I need to help myself!!

I couldn't think of anything else to do other than chores like doing laundry (which I need to do badly) or watch TV...

The first 2 days were challenging, but after that I got very into doing errands and catching up on stuff. Today, I feel another urge though and it's challenging for me to stay on track. My boyfriend just left for a work trip and it's raining outside... it's the perfect setting to play video games. ☹️

I haven't played any video games since March 1.

I'm going to buy some more plants for the apartment!

Eek. It's only been 4 hours and already I was telling my boyfriend how I feel like breaking my resolution to not play video games anymore. The pull of my habit of playing League of Legends late at night is strong...

Well, that would be interesting! In order to not relapse again, I feel like I would need to make at least 4 friends that want to hang out on a regular basis to keep me busy. I think that is the only thing that would be able to keep me distracted and happy enough with how I spend my time to not go back to gaming. It's interesting how naturally this sentence came out of me, although I never really thought about it before. I'm always so focused on my individual activities and being productive.

I have done a lot of positive things during the last few months too though, I want to write that too and not focus entirely on the negatives (which is something I have a habit of doing). I've made some significant improvements in my personal life and in organizing my life. I've refocused on some of my hobbies and cut out others that I felt weren't really doing it for me anymore. I look pretty attractive physically and I think I've gotten a bit smarter. I think my relationship is going well too and I've gotten confidence in some other ways.

I'm still struggling with my addiction (cringing as I write addiction) and I'm frustrated. I've probably spent about 8 days total playing video games in the past 2 months. The realization came to me today. I was on vacation in Canada for a week and came back yesterday. When I was in Canada I worked out every single day. I didn't have internet access, except through hotspot through my phone. I was bored at times, took it slow, but it was good. I did a good job feeding myself and ate frequently and until I was full. I spent 2.5 - 3 hours every time at the gym and had really good workouts. Today, it was my intent to work out again. But at the gym, all I could think about was going home to play League. I was distracted, didn't really want to be there, wasn't that productive. I cut the workout short even though I was having no problem lifting the weights. I've had enough and I don't want my life to continue this way. Playing video games is fun! But it's making everything else less fun and then I can only think about playing video games much of the time. It's really bothering me, I wish I could just stop. It's my intent to stop playing now. I don't know how long I'll be able to hold onto this determination, but I want to work out and not feel distracted. I don't want to think about League of Legends very much. I want to eat a lot and feed my body, not make quick fix foods so I can go back to playing League (and eat them in a choppy way that is dictated by the flow of the game). I've uninstalled the game (again, for the 1293i03587-912th time). Today is day zero!

Today is day 0.

I was in Miami for a week so obviously no gaming. 1st day when I got back, also no gaming. But the 2nd day back, my bf started playing video games and it triggered me and made me want to play games too so I did. I've played like 7 games already in 24 hours. Shit