MmmWatermelon

Day 7: This morning I woke up naturally a lot earlier than usual and just laid in bed feeling very relaxed...it was nice. I got up to make a kale smoothie with some nuts and seeds and fruit then lazed around a bit and read. In the late morning I went to a restorative yoga class which was really, really nice and had a good conversation with the studio owner whom I have known for a long time, over 10 years; I even confided that I had been having back pain from spending too much time on the computer, including playing games; it wasn't a big deal to even say it, even if I didn't go into the ugly details He's a very sweet guy and even offered me the insight that it is my rhomboid muscles that are causing so much grief in my shoulder blades. Then I visited the farmer's market in the next town over for the first time; very cute girl selling tea! And an awesome jam lady! And I got fruit for cheap because they had already put away the scale! I read some and cooked some spaghetti squash with a tomato sauce with steamed veggies and helluva lot of garlic, which turned out quite good for something improvised. I also enjoyed having dinner with my mom and feeling in a pretty high mood and making jokes. For some reason, even though my day was quite good I realize while writing this, I began feeling really shiftless and unfocused. I think my mind was craving being in that instant gratification mode or something that gaming brings and I didn't really feel like doing anything. I went for a short walk and played some harmonica which improved my mood a little but I guess I'm just feeling tense and blah-ish. Well that's ok I suppose...sometimes you just feel that way...I guess I'm happy completing a whole week of the challenge so far, but I'm having a hard time summoning that feeling just now and I think I just feel more than anything scared that week 2 will be harder in that any accomplishments of the same magnitude won't feel as meaningful and I will have to keep uping the ante, which sounds tiring. But I guess that's just an assumption I've been working with subconciously, we'll see what the next week brings; I feel like I'm having a hard time summoning the energy to plan anything, but there are a couple of things I'd like to get done that require a little more planning on my part: 1) putting a little more time in looking for tutoring gigs through different websites 2) I started a frisbee meetup a while back but it fizzled out after the first meetup (just me another guy!) because there weren't too many members. My membership is about to expire and as there have been almost 20 people who signed up in the meantime, I think I will give it a go to organize one more meetup beforehand and see if there is more interest this time around; otherwise, I won't keep paying for the membership needlessly. 3) Since I'm making a list of things to do tomorrow, I'm going to write another email to my cousin. It's occurring to me the reason I'm kinda resistant to doing some of these things is they involve spending some time at the computer and my back really doesn't like my chair right now...so maybe I will go to a coffee shop tomorrow just to change the routine and atmosphere a little bit while I'm getting this done. Ya this idea feels good! Ok enough journaling, let's do some gratitude for today: 1) getting to do a yoga class with my favorite teacher at my studio 2) the many (most) parts of me that feel healthy and aren't in pain 3) having some rhomboid muscles that put up with a lot of shit 4) Thich Nhat Hanh 5) cooking and eating a healthy, delicious dinner

Hi Hitaru, I'm only just now reading some of your entries from back in December and currently. Glad you came to this forum! Life is hard! Sometimes it can get incredibly overwhelming and I'm sorry to hear you've been in a tough spot. It's ok to feel overwhelmed or scared or whatever you feel, sometimes that just happens. Glad you hear you had the urge to cry even though you usually don't; when we hold a lot of emotional tension within us, we need to find ways to release it. When we cry, unless we are responding to a present situation, we are feeling a pain that was already there that we haven't been looking at it and releasing it so we are always the better off afterwards. We are socialized, especially as men, to avoid such a "show of weakness," but you are doing us all men a favor if you cry more often and stop holding on to that bullshit I know how it goes with the anxiety and panic attacks, this is something I've been dealing with for the last year and it is really scary...fear of being about to die, fear of going crazy, etc. etc. and thoughts spiraling out of control when a panic attack seems to be coming in...learning about other people's experiences with this strikes me with how similar they are! I'm still learning as this is something somewhat new to me, but some of the advice I've found most helpful is from http://www.anxietycoach.com/anxietytrick.html. I could really relate to what he is talking about and it makes sense...basically we go out and start having a panic attack, what is happening is our body is getting tricked into mistaking discomfort (maybe social discomfort) for danger and wishing to run away. We flee home and hide in bed, eventually calm down and we have now tricked ourselves and our body into thinking that "running" and going home and being in bed is what made us be safe, though we weren't in any actual danger to begin with! If instead we allow the panic to come and allow ourselves to feel it, we can train ourselves to realize we can deal with it, wherever it happens to arise, that we aren't in actual danger. Some breathing techniques he outlines on the website are great also. The hard part is breaking the cycle we have been reinforcing Facing fear and then seeing yourself come out the other end is how we conquer it, and you CAN do it, even if it takes patience. I can only imagine how fearless Cam must have felt by the end of his Ted talk just plowing through those feelings of fear coming over him...even if that is a little different. I am also really glad that cooking is on your list of what you intend to focus on! I wholeheartedly agree that it should be first on the list even if your list is in no particular order . If you aren't getting the proper nutrition you need, it can throw things like your thyroid out of whack which could be causing your anxiety altogether...basically, our body is our foundation of what we are thinking...someone I greatly respect once told me that the key to happiness is "eating well, sleeping well, and moving your body as it needs." I've been pondering that over the years and I've found a lot of depth to that simple idea. And don't be hard on yourself for how you have treated your body in the past...unfortunately it is oftentimes not even a small part of our education growing up...fortunately our bodies can take an unbelievable amount of punishment even if it REALLY DOESN"T FEEL GOOD! But the sun will rise again tomorrow and every meal is an opportunity to be good to yourself and your body...PM if you would like any simple recipe ideas with what you like to eat and I will be glad to give you some advice, I think a lot about food, I love food

If you fail to achieve greatness, then you may have failed to live up to your standards, but you haven't failed the world, and it's simply not true that people should look down on you. It's just not how the world works. Human existence is complex, and it's not at all clear that the goal of any one person's life is to accomplish any one thing. Regardless of the standards you may have for yourself or what you achieve out in the world, the people in your life value you for other things - for your humor, your intelligence, your presence, their relationship with you, your personality, your quirks, for being able to talk to you during a hard time. In all likelihood these things matter more to most people you'll meet than anything you could accomplish. This is so insightful! I've found myself oftentimes communicating with people working with the assumption that such-and-such part of me is likeable and I need to present that side, whereas such-and-some-other-such part of me they would be repelled by or think strange and I need to hide that part. But the truth is in practice, when there is a connection between two people, the rare kind anyway, you see straight into each other and simply like each other for "who you are," whatever that means, the guard can be relaxed and you know you can be yourself around that person, and others can enjoy all those little things about you that you might not be aware of are so likeable about you because you are just so used to them. When people like me for the simple things that you listed I oftentimes have found myself having thoughts running through my head of the "oh well they wouldn't like me if they knew such and such" caused by lingering self-esteem issues / reinforced by recent bouts of gaming Need to practice loving and accepting myself more...always good. By the way, I was recently introduced to this tea called Dandy Blend that has a coffee-like taste. I believe it includes some barley tea in the mix but the main ingredients are dandelion and chicory roots. It is used by folks weaning off coffee (it also has a pleasant energizing effect, but no caffeine)...I have never been much of a coffee drinker so I don't know how someone who loves the taste of coffee would find it, but it definitely stands on its own legs with a little cinnamon and some cream. Thought you might enjoy it

Wait whaaat Cam I just saw in your profile that your birthday is 5/30 WE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY!!

Day 6: Mellow day, I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night so I woke up pretty late and decided to go to the beach after breakfast and tea. I spent the whole afternoon at the beach walking and rock hopping quite a bit. I got into a couple of conversations with several people...a woman from Ohio I showed a cool shell to who was very grateful, and a girl I asked to pet her dog which led to us chatting for a little while. I got back a while after dark but instead of going directly home I sat down in the park for a bit to practice harmonica and had a really good session where I felt like some things I had been reading about recently clicked; I'm looking forward to learning a couple of more blues rhythms so I can start stringing them together more and have fun improvising. Had some brown rice pasta with mushrooms and cheese for dinner and a little crab salad on the side as well as a delicious artichoke for "dessert." Felt tempted to have something sweet after dinner but I think it's really good on my body (and teeth which get cavities really easily...I've had dentists tell me I should flat out not eat any sugar...oh genes) not to be eating sugar. Also chatted with my neighbor for a while and shook fingers with his really cute baby; I was just telling a friend the other day how I don't find babies to be that cute usually but this one is beautiful. Going to read for a while now. I'm grateful for: 1. Going for a pretty long walk and my body feeling good 2. Something clicking about the keys of songs 3. Having a couple of conversations with strangers 4. Finding a shell that made a really interesting gurgling sound at the beach 5. Seeing an oystercatcher, my favorite bird 6. Remembering how good artichokes with butter can be 7. Feeling content 8. My cousin 9. Harmonica

Alright Day 4 & 5... I've been having quite a bit of back pain these last two days, I think some of it is soreness from going from being pretty inactive to being somewhat more active / dancing etc. and some of it is definitely chronic pain; it tends to shift around a little but my shoulderblades have been awfully tight lately, and today I felt it more in my lower back in the morning. I could easily be pretty negative about all this, but I think doing Tai Chi daily is slowly helping and I've definitely had some moments when I felt I could breathe easily and without pain every day and on multiple nights going to bed after doing Tai Chi I've felt very relaxed. I'm doing my best to just stay in my body instead of having the urge to disconnect and watch what happens...it is definitely always changing and never the same for two days. I can deal with it and I have a lot of tools at my disposal to help make it more comfortable. I've had back pains in the past and I've been able to get to a place where I felt very healthy and capable of serious, strenuous physical activity before so there's no reason why I can't do it again, I haven't aged too much since I read a little bit after waking up and ate some meatballs a family member made...maybe not the healthiest thing, I think it was more about the taste that time, but I decided to make my other two meals very healthy to make up for it. My main thing I am focusing on right now anyway with food is not eating any sugar so this still qualified I started reading a new book, the Great Gatsby but had trouble focusing and since it was a really lovely day outside I decided to walk to the park with my yoga mat and harmonica. I found a nice spot on the grass overlooking a view in the sunshine and did some slow stretches, and relaxed in the sun, maybe even falling asleep once a bit...then a bird pooped on my nose while I was stretching with my eyes closed! At first I thought it was raining so I wiped my nose and there was something yellow and very stinky on it. Fortunately I had a water bottle and a small towel I had brought to wrap around my feet to stretch but I used them for the purpose of cleaning this. This incident made me laugh a bunch and made me feel happy that there are other living things around and doing "their business," without any seeming worries...I even came up with this haiku: "doing yoga in the park / when a bird pooped on my nose / runny yellow smelly." I decided to call a friend from Colorado who left me a message a week ago and I hadn't returned her call and we talked for about an hour while I was walking home and afterwards. She left me feeling really inspired, she just released her second music album and I asked her a lot of questions about simple music theory ideas I have been learning about with the harmonica; it felt good to talk about things I had been trying to learn on my own, especially with a professional musician to boot! We spent some time talking about relationships and catching up, it was quite nice. I was uncertain when we started the conversation if I should talk about computer game addiction or not because the topic was so much on my mind I felt like I was hiding something, but in the moment I thought about wookieshark's advice of revealing our weaknesses in an appropriate place and time and decided what I wanted then was a positive conversation and to learn about music, not to focus on my problems and what feels negative at this time...I think this is something that holds a profound lesson for me...one of the hardest part when quitting games before is dwelling on the guilt and feeling like I need to "eradicate" that part of myself somehow...instead of giving myself permission to focus on the positive and think of what I feel good about and love about myself and acknowledging that those parts of me are just as real, if not more so. I went to the dance event in the evening after I texted a guy I had started befriending there before to see if he was also coming, which he was. I felt a pretty severe anxiety when I was on my way to the dance and when it started, which is funny because the previous night dancing I had felt quite relaxed from the start. Anxiety is kind of random like that sometimes even in similar situations...I almost had the urge to leave right away but decided to ride it out and danced however I felt. I eventually felt more and more that it was ok to feel how I felt even if it was painful, and there were some really fun dances that were high energy where everyone in the room seemed to be on the same wavelength and enjoying themselves. One dance I just sat and watched everyone else, their movements and expressions and thought about all the joys and sorrows all 20 people in the room must have known during their lifetime up to that point that had led to them being in that same room together, including myself, but it seemed quite unfathomable. At the final dance, which is usually quite chanty and people lay around or sit with their eyes closed I tried to just let myself feel all the pain that I felt in my life right now and hold it patiently. For some reason a visual image of my heart in pain being held gently by all the hands of the people who had loved me and whom I had loved came to my mind and I cried some...it hurts so good sometimes. There are many layers to work through, but it felt like a great relief at that time and I felt very open towards the people there as we had a closing circle. I chatted for a while with my new friend afterward and we talked about hanging out outside of the dance or maybe even doing a trip somewhere nearby! He's someone I really like and it feels like we're on the same wavelength right away when we talk, so I'm grateful to have met him. I went to relax in the neighborhood hot tub a bit after the dance, and ate part of a burrito I had in the fridge a little close to bedtime...I did my tai chi without feeling super focused last night, having a lot of thoughts on my mind, so I think tonight I will try to slow down a bit and do it by candlelight with more concentration. Day 5: I woke up with quite a bit of lower back pain so I took my yoga mat outside and just laid down with my legs up a wall for a while taking in the sunshine which helped relax some muscles. Oh yeah and I was having some dreams about a Quake 2-ish CTF game this morning, which is weird since I haven't played that in many years. Game dreams is something I've definitely had lately though this is the first time this week. I ate some soup for breakfast (the last of the soup batch I made a few days ago, I'll have to make more!) and then read the first chapter of the Great Gatsby, going over what I couldn't focus on yesterday. Today it was a real pleasure and I'm really liking the lyrical writing style, looking forward to reading more, it is a pleasure to just relish in Fitzgerald's words. It was an even more gorgeous day than yesterday, if that were possible, no less than a summer day in January, so I decided I couldn't help going outside. I checked out a nearby trail that I don't go on much and walked barefoot on the soft dry dirt to help my back. My body felt quite good while hiking actually and I felt relaxed in the sun. There are a lot of hummingbirds around right now and red honeysuckle flowers they like to drink from are blooming. I watched one that was quite close go from flower to flower curiously; I cut my nails and played a little harmonica on the side of the trail on my way back. I had a first tutoring appintment in the afternoon for which I felt somewhat anxious about but my anxiety felt manageable and I got through it with confidence! Whoo, this felt like a very good step for me and I feel confident about scheduling more. I met with a 9th grade kid and tutored him in geometry and we had a lot of fun together; he was very bright and it didn't take much effort on my part other than that he is taking the course online university and it was surprisingly serious compared to your average high school class. They even expected you to know all the postulates and what not like you were reading straight from Euclid, so I had to do some figuring out myself but we got along great in the end. For food I had a prepackaged Trader Joes spinach and blue cheese salad which was quite good at lunch and my mother made some salmon for dinner which felt healthy. I also did the things on my list I wanted to do in the evening like clean my room and email my cousin, though I didn't get around to making any art. I hadn't committed to it very much because something I've noticed with myself is maybe a week or so into quitting gaming I can start becoming very scattered with what I'm focusing on and start trying to do 99999 things and wanting to do anything that comes to mind and then feeling like I'm failing because I'm not doing EVERYTHING. How silly... so I want to try to stay focused and not expect too much of myself, while still feeling like I'm on a good track...some things I definitely want to continue focusing on are: - doing tai chi every day for an hour - continue cooking and eating healthy - dancing at least once a week - moving my body how it wants and needs to move, every day! this can be yoga, walking etc etc. - finding more tutoring clients as I could really use the money so I can stop staying with my parents, which has been a huge emotional strain for the months I've been here - reading more than usual feels very nice, I'd like to continue to do this; besides adventure books and fiction novels which I usually read I might try a self-development book (if that's what the category is called), maybe from the ones that wookieshark Joe suggested. - continue to learn more about the harmonica - socialize more, the friend from the dance is a good start, and I've also talked a bit with the girl who organizes the dance, she seems like someone I would get along with as well. I do also like having one day projects to work on and have it be a special activity that stands out from the day to day. One of these things is buying some potting soil and sowing the spinach, peas, and tomato seeds I bought the other day. We only have a balcony so I can't grow enough to eat a lot, but I really like having some plants to watch them grow every day in the morning. Right now there is an avocado I sprouted from an avocado I ate in July or so and it is a 2 foot small tree with 9 leaves! They are fun to sprout if you ever eat avocados...all you need is water, a jar and toothpicks! Gratitude: 1. SO MUCH sunshine the last two days. 2. Getting a short impromptu shoulder-rub from my buddy at the end of the dance the other night 3. Good literature 4. Having a good tutoring session today and getting to spend time in the presence of a bright, young, open mind. 5. Getting some love from a fluffy dog while tutoring 6. Hummingbirds 7. Pain, when it makes you feel alive 8. Feeling like I could breathe deeply while hiking today 9. Feeling more confident that I can cope with anxiety and that I can still do what I want to do 10. Talking about math and music 11. Possibilities Well that was a long entry, I guess there's just a lot of things to digest in my mind right now

Glad you were able to catch yourself falling into the bad habits. I also struggle with this fact, that once I propose something to myself, I expect to do perfectly and any small setback I see as a major failure, think badly about myself, and don't stop myself from spiraling down...But it gets tiring after a while, right? I think it is such a powerful habit to form to be able to stop yourself from spiraling down, and decide to do what you REALLY want to do, not what you think you want to do and I am working a lot on that too! Setbacks and changes in our motivation inevitably occur and we just need to learn to deal with them and move on. I really like this quote from Buddhism (even if I don't know what is meant by awakening exactly, I just think of it as feeling like the most authentic version of myself) because it reminds me that small actions can compound into great results over time even if it doesn't seem so at the time, and it encourages me to just do a small thing to help myself or someone else. "Every wakeful step, every mindful act is the direct path to awakening. Wherever you go, there you are."

I don't know if you are into cooking at all, but I've been really enjoying the recipes on this site recently: http://www.carlyswellnesskitchen.com/recipes/ I would describe their author (I worked with her brother once) as a genius of flavor proportions...I wouldn't exactly call them the easiest to make (sometimes there are several steps but each of the steps is quite easy) but all the directions and measurements are pretty clear and whenever I make them I am amazed at how good they come out...the couple of people I cooked them for all gave me a lot of praise too, which felt good even though the credit secretly belonged to the recipe ; reminds me of that Einstein quote about creativity, teehee. The ones I've tried so far are lentil salad with radicchio, dal makhani lentil stew, and tofu and vegetable stir-fry with peanut ginger sauce. All superb and healthy, can't recommend them enough!!

Thank you so much WorkInProgress for your words Yes, Southern California has some of the mildest climate anywhere probably...not bad, but every place has something to appreciate...I don't get to hunker down on snowy days with tea and soup here and get all cozy inside, I've lived in a couple of snowy places before (grew up in Europe in fact!) so there's something very nice and familiar to that! Day 4 (start) I'm very tired tonight so I'm going to write my journal tomorrow morning; it was a good day even if I felt emotionally challenged at times. I'm going to just write down some things I'd like to do tomorrow: - remember to send a gift to my friend - e-mail my cousin - groom myself a little for my first tutoring gig of the semester (!!) - clean my room a little (I'm actually really happy with how happy I've been keeping it for the last couple of weeks, there are just a couple of small things to tidy up) - maybe I will make a small creative thing like a drawing or watercolor painting if there's a good time to do that and I feel inspired - organize some music a bit

Day 3: It's a little late and I'm tired today so I'll keep it shorter. Slept in a little bit later this morning, I think also having pleasant dreams though I am having a hard time remembering of what exactly. When I woke up I felt a familiar urge to kind of check out and go to the computer but I decided to not give in to it and read instead and continued eating some of the soup I made a few days ago for breakfast. A bit later I decided I needed to move around a bit however and went to do a couple of errands...closed down a bank account I'm no longer using which is nice since I won't get charged useless fees (been doing by banking with Simple lately which is awesome as they don't charge any fees whatsoever; and I like their software and general practices a lot!) and got some groceries and seeds from Whole Foods. At home I made a green lentil / radicchio salad I've been meaning to try out for a while and it turned out quite delicious. In the evening I went to the nearby dance meetup, feeling pretty anxious beforehand but once I got there I enjoyed myself quite a bit and felt very free. The dance tonight was a bit different from the ones I've been going to regularly...different DJ and a few live drummers who played a couple of different tunes and were quite good! One of the songs was a swing tune and a woman asked me if I knew how to dance swing. Not realizing this was an invitation I said "yeah, a little" so she proceeded to grab my hands and start twirling around expecting me to know what I was doing! Then I realized I didn't remember squat about swing dancing as I hadn't done it in years and for the rest of the song couldn't even find the timing of the main steps, so all I could do was twirl her and myself around to the best of my ability. It was a moment that caught me off guard and was quite fun, all I could do was laugh at myself a bit. Thankfully the song wasn't too long, though she was quite a good sport about my forgetfulness. I think today I experienced feeling intensely awkward both interacting with some people in the grocery store and after the dance was over. As well as a lot of feelings surfacing which I guess is to be expected when I'm stopping the activity that I had been using to check out. I guess I just have to remind myself here for a moment that it's ok to have feelings and that if I give myself a chance I have the capacity to deal with them without needing to hide away. This is probably worth pondering over more, I am actually quite enjoying having this space to "reflect in the public eye," but I am currently tired so I think that's all I'll say for now. Another thing I did today which I'm excited / anxious about is I accepted a tutoring gig that would probably become weekly for this Thursday. As the semester is just starting this would be a good opportunity for me to make a bit of money and have a couple of clients. For now I'm going to just focus on this first step of having a good first meeting on Thursday. There isn't anything I need to do for preparation for now really, so just continuing to take care of myself as best I can. There's also another dance tomorrow night that I think I will check out with a crowd I think I'm more familiar with than the one tonight actually. Ok, gratitude! 1. Good salad dressings 2. Fruits and vegetables 3. Doing a tribute dance to David Bowie before a candle, I'm glad the dance organizer thought about this! he was a great one... 4. Finishing the Joshua Slocum book I've been reading today 5. Open and welcoming people 6. The moments when I feel like I can heal myself emotionally 7. DANCING!! and music that moves me 8. This one woman who was dancing tonight, if I ever feel an ounce as graceful as she looks that will be a very special day indeed; I wanted to tell her this at the end but she left early 9. My dad actually liking something I cooked for maybe the first time, ever; he is the pickiest person I know so I don't feel bad about my cooking but this was very pleasing nevertheless. 10. Discovering a cool looking park / trail area on my way to getting groceries, made very green by the recent rains; I hope to check it out soon.

Day 2: I woke up and heated up some soup / read for some time in bed, really enjoying this book I'm currently reading. I spent the better part of the afternoon at the beach exploring some rocky cliffs and looking at some of the hugest waves I've seen at my local beach; they seemed like vertical walls of water racing for shore: only two brave youngsters were out in the water, one with a shortboard another with only fins (and no wetsuits, quite a feat for January! I congratulated them when I walked by them later). I felt surprisingly energetic walking around and enjoyed climbing around a bit on some rocks, playing some harmonica, and picking up bits of sea glass; saw a cormorant today which is one of my favorite birds and isn't super common in my immediate area! I stopped for a second to pet an awfully cute and fluffy puppy two girls were walking with who was apparently experiencing sand for her first time, she was very excited / freaking out. After the beach I went to a favorite taqueria nearby and had a potato / egg breakfast burrito. It was quite warm and yummy. I wanted to stop by the local library on the way home to renew my card for the area but it wasn't open so I'll have to give it a go a different time. I still have several books I'd like to read at home, but I wanted to check if they have a particular local natural history book I've heard about and a book called "Born to Run" I've heard good things about as well. I spent most of the evening reading and ate some rice / chicken stew my dad made the other day which was also good. I tried to go swimming at the pool nearby after dark but I guess the water isn't getting heated so it was quite freezing; I got out after a lap and a half and got in the hot tub for a little bit instead I've been reading some more but my eye muscles feel quite strained right now. I think having spent so much time on the computer pretty recently and staring at a monitor for so long has been somewhat trying on the eyes...being at the beach and looking at so much reflected light for hours might have something to do with it too. So I think I will put on a hot towel compress after I finish this to help them out, something I'm trying out recently, then I will do my evening Tai Chi by some soft candlelight before bed. My neck / back feels rather stiff in places too but already better than a few days ago when it was already feeling stiff and I was just spending much of the day in front of the computer in a chair anyway :\ Ah well, so are things, I'm thinking of this quote from the Buddha's Little Instruction Book: "What has been long neglected cannot be restored immediately. Fruit falls from the tree when it is ripe. The way cannot be forced." I think I'm going to make a habit of listing some things I'm grateful for today as inspired by some other GameQuitters journalists: Grateful for: 1. How beautiful rocks are to look at and step around on; they have so many endless haphazard and interesting arrangements and shapes. I definitely have a passion for simply walking on rocks 2. The power of nature to uplift the spirit 3. Warm soup and burritos 4. Being free to explore so many literary and musical creations of many human beings 5. Being lucky to be friends with some really, really beautiful inspiring people 6. Fluffy dogs 7. Cormorants 8. Being able to learn 9. Being able to fall asleep easily lately 10. Having pleasant vivid dreams for the last two nights 11. Dandy-blend tea My goal for tomorrow is to go to a dance meetup happening in the evening. I haven't made it in a couple of weeks due to friends visiting / holidays / being in the midst of gaming addiction and feeling depressed for the last week or two, but I think it could be really nice to reconnect with it since I was starting to get to know a good number of nice people through this. It is definitely a big challenge, maybe the biggest for me to be social coming fresh off a bout of addictive gaming...I think it's difficult for me to shake off a certain feeling of shame around other people. I think it's a sort of fear of rejection, fearing that people reject me if they knew me at my worst; of course this feeling is completely self-created...the times that I HAVE opened up to others about gaming addiction they have been very compassionate. Feelings, feelings, so strong they can be, so hard to let go of! G'night

Really enjoyed reading your Saturday's journal, very insightful thoughts you are having, I will have to look at your journal more regularly! I also really like how you list off things you are grateful for every day, I might have to borrow that into my own journal I'm hoping to try to keep up on a daily basis. Thank you for your sincerity / vulnerability.

Thanks Cam, I'd be really interested in that, I've put it down on my calendar Day 1 Journal: So I think I'm going to think of this as a 90 day detox (starting over...) since that feels to me like a difficult goal to achieve and yet I feel somewhat more positive and hopeful than I would normally due to putting it out there in writing on this forum and having some extra accountability outside myself! I had a rather nice day today and focused on being gentle on my body and trying to be healthy. I woke up somewhat late morning-ish and went to get some groceries and cooked a very weird but healthy soup. It was a strange super-miso soup that also contained quinoa, creamed broccoli, kale, carrots, seaweed, and egg. I feared I might have ruined it by adding a whole head of steamed / blended broccoli that I wanted to use up but adding some extra egg at the end tied it all together...further proof that you can add just about anything to a miso-based soup and it'll still be good! Not a bad way to have breakfast for four days...spent my afternoon drinking tea and reading a Joshua Slocum book about his circumnavigation of the globe in the late 1800's and doing some yoga in the park nearby. Then more reading and spent the only time at the computer today (other than this!) looking at some harmonica videos. In the evening I went for a long walk on some trails behind my house where I feel like I can let 'er rip on the harmonica without bothering anyone and I called a good friend and chatted for an hour. Did a little tai chi practice before bed too...I think I'm going to try to make Tai Chi a daily habit because it can be really nice for relaxation, especially in the evenings. A goal for tomorrow is to go to the beach sometime in the morning / late morning because I just haven't taken advantage of living close to the ocean enough lately...as well as reconnect with a couple of more friends. Good night!

Hi there, I'm thinking of trying to keep a somewhat regular journal (dare I say at least a line-or-two-long daily check-in?) on the site because the last month or two I have been slipping more and more into a pattern of gaming more and more every day and feeling unable to quit my addiction. I haven't been working for the past month and a half or so and I think that's been tough because I feel somewhat restless not accomplishing anything, but then again I haven't even really tried looking for work...I'm kind of feeling overwhelmed by my anxiety especially around people and I think in some part of my mind I really fear that having spent months and months mostly in front of the computer I must be "messed up" and won't be able to accomplish anything...sigh, the story I'm selling myself isn't very positive in my head right now...I've kind of been going through this cycle where I'll tell myself I'm going to stop running away to the computer to game / Youtube / whatever and I delete everything etc. etc. maybe do yoga, read for a couple of days but inevitably keep going back and spend several days just zoned out and feeling hopeless and hating myself. Being kind of partial of mostly older games it makes it too darn easy to install them in just seconds or minutes :{ I think I was really telling myself I'm going to be really strong about this after the New Year but that kind of just came and went and I'm still in the same hole... I suppose if I were to focus on the positive I should also say that I have been trying to learn how to play harmonica and I've made some progress with that...learned to play some chords and a few simple songs and blues riffs. At times it has been quite fun. I've also been going on walks pretty regularly and sometimes stretching so I've been getting SOME exercise but I still feel really stiff due to sitting in a chair too much and I've been going through cycles of eating somewhat healthily but other times eating complete crap because it's there in front of me and I'm not feeling able to show any self-restraint :\ So yeah...even though I feel like I started out the year on a pretty bad foot I'd still like to be open to this being the best year of my life. I'd really like to focus on learning to love myself and move on from dwelling on all the time I've wasted with this addiction / being hard on myself about it...that's just more wasted time! I'd really like to believe it's possible for me to quit games and be successful at it....I think for now I will maybe try to write in this journal on a daily basis because the cravings have been huge and I know I will start feeling quite anxious. I will have to start putting some time into having a plan and doing things with more clear intention as I know Cam advises... Watermelon

Welcome, and congratulations on making it for 57 days so far! It is a long, hard road but you are totally worth it!

I can totally relate to this feeling of being divided up into two different people...for me I feel like there is a part of me that is dorky, logical, kinda scared and wants to just be comfortable then there is an adventurous, spontaneous, trusting in life to the point of naive part. When I think about my life and how there have been times when I am just gaming away for the whole day, feeling completely disconnected from people then other times when I am hitchhiking around Maine for two weeks and befriending/hanging out with the locals, hiking the High Sierra in California for a month, or hiking by myself off trail for a week and feeling completely on top of the world it's like what? is this the same human being? Especially confusing since these highs and lows in my life have alternated...I guess for me I have something to learn about letting go of the past and moving on from all the built up negativity I had / (still) have. I think when I AM doing things right, living my life the way I want to I struggle feeling burdened with a sort of guilt that I'm 'faking' it, like the game-addicted version of me is more real and I am just hiding it when I don't show that to people. Which is why I think this forum / community is so helpful to be able to communicate and let that old shit out, better out than in! Anywho, sorry to digress so much and hijack your intro thread, not really sure I'm being relevant to your situation at all...I do believe that in order to be the best human beings we can be it is important to have various parts / interests and it is totally up to you to decide how to combine them and choose how you spend your time. The idea that programmers also play video games on the side is totally just a social construct / stereotype or whatever you want to call it...just an idea / expectation that exists in people's minds and it's totally up to you whether you want to do that or not. Sure, some people may have a hard time with your choices that go against the expectations they themselves carry, but I think one of the best ways to figure out which relationships you want to invest in is those people who not only accept your choices by which you express your individuality but are positively delighted by them! And remember that going against others' expectations is their problem, not yours! Also: you're doing really good, keep following your passions, I think that in the long run one of the best things to be doing to combat loneliness

Hi and welcome, just wanted to say there is absolutely nothing wrong with you! So you used gaming as a getaway, but the way I see it that is just a natural survival strategy our minds go to when we are unable to cope with something in our lives or unwilling to learn to adapt to something. All of us on these forums have gone there in a similar way with you and all people do it in some form or another at some times. The important part is coming to this realization that actually you CAN learn and adapt and capable of much more than you even think, so there is no need to keep running away...just rambling here but wanted to touch on that, that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you, so go out and do it, whatever that might be

Hi there Carlos, way to go uninstalling and letting it be for two days! It might be hard to resist the temptation to go back to it at first, but remember that you are doing this for yourself and it will only get easier and it's so worth it investing your life into others things; you can do it!

Hi my name is Caius aka MmmWatermelon and really happy to have found this community through watching a few of Cam's videos, I think one of my many struggles surrounding quitting games has been trying to do so alone for a long time... (!) Long post ahead (!) My story with games: like many of you, I got hooked early on when I was a few years old, in my case playing Prince of Persia on my mom's DOS machine. I thought it was absolutely wonderful. I'm 29 now and I grew up in Romania with technology back then maybe a little behind the US. We mostly had old 6-12Mhz DOS machines and a few friends had a Super Nintendo on which we played Mario and Duck Hunt. Most of my games as a kid were DOS games like Prince of Persia, Monster Bash, Doom, Duke Nukem, a bunch of the Lucasarts graphics adventure games like Monkey Island and Indiana Jones (that I only had access to in German, but I was so stubborn in getting through them that somehow I'd figure out the language even with the little I learned in school :)). In elementary school a lot of the boys in my class were really into games and we traded games on floppy disks and played a lot of split-screen Mortal Kombat 3 and oogled Lara Croft (yikes!). My family moved to California when I was 12 and I missed my elementary school friends and all that we did together. My first couple of years in the US starting in 6th grade were rough. I had no friends and felt very different and isolated from everyone and sometimes people would make fun of my accent, my clothing, my teeth, how good I was at math (good!), and so on. I also discovered Starcraft through a demo, and later my family bought it for me so I started playing lots of Starcraft sometime in middle school, and started forging online friendships to compensate for my lack of connection with my American peers. When I was in high school I made some really good friends starting in 10th grade and one in particular I credit with steering me (unknowingly) towards exploring other avenues of life. By 12th grade especially I was hanging out regularly with a group of friends and started feeling more socially comfortable. I also did pretty well in school and found I was going to go to Berkeley for college so that made me feel pretty happy. The whole time in high school though I secretly gamed a lot at home every day I came from school. I would sometimes tell myself I would try to do my homework first and I should gain some discipline but I pretty much always felt smart enough to do my homework last thing at night or during breaks at school and still get by with A's in class. I think the most confusing part for me was that I didn't play games often with any of my friends from school, and it felt like something I needed to hide from people. I never had any of my friends over at my house, but always went out to theirs, for some reason it was kind of scary to introduce my Romanian parents to my friends and this also contributed to creating a sort of feeling like I was leading a double life. Sometimes I felt happy and connected with people but other times I felt really depressed. I decided not to have a computer during most of my years in college because I wanted to try to quit gaming. One time I tried buying a Mac, thinking it wouldn't be too good for games, in my third year but then quickly figured out how to play World of Warcraft or something or other so I sold it off a month or two later. However, when I was back at home with my parents I would play games, sometimes for long periods of time. After my second year I took a year off school and in the summer before I resumed I ended up living by myself waiting for school to start and feeling really depressed, working very part time. This was the first time I played games completely out of control and with very little contact with other people. I mostly played Diablo II online and I felt very miserable and alienated. I would oftentimes play through the night and sleep at odd hours or go to work on very little sleep and just get through it for a few hours (I worked as a personal caretaker). I also wasn't eating very healthy. It was hard giving it up and trying to focus on school afterwards, I think I struggled with lots of social anxiety and I already felt confused and unsure about what I was doing in school and with my life in general... # I graduated about five years ago and since then I have had a hard time figuring out a career or path to go down. I've ended up doing a lot of math tutoring on my own hours and working a few summer jobs or backpacking / biking during the summers. I have found myself often turning to games as a way of avoiding figuring out my life. After school I was in a relationship for almost two years with a girl I had met in my junior year. We had / have an incredible connection and we are still good friends but I ended up choosing to leave the relationship because I felt I needed to "go work on myself," whatever that means. It pained me that I could not stop looking at porn when I was away from her even though our sexual connection was fulfilling. When we lived together for a couple of months I started playing some silly DOS games half behind her back. I still felt a lot of anxiety and inability to feel like I had gotten through my feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing that I had acquired from playing games compulsively. I felt like I couldn't be the person I told her I wanted to be or even the person she saw in me, and that anything good I did I was somehow faking. # From two years ago to a year ago I was in another relationship with another wonderful girl and ended up moving with her to Colorado. For the first time, she was someone who was willing to listen to me trying to talk about my feelings surrounding all this gaming stuff and I was open to talking about it, and she was a very helpful listener with her background in co-counseling; but I still felt a general feeling of anxiety / not knowing what to do with myself and was unable to sleep / started more and more to stay up late at night playing games in a different room of our house. I also ended up running away from this relationship with a similar feeling of "I'm not ready, I have more work to do on myself." One valuable lesson I learned from this relationship is to try to break this pattern of trying to hide my gaming problem from everyone. I think the suffering I've inflicted on myself by trying to hide it even from people who care about me has been just as much as the suffering from actually doing it and feeling helpless. I think invariably people I have opened myself up to with the attitude of "I don't need you fix this FOR me, but it sure is helpful to get someone to just listen" have been supportive. # Anyway, until last December I felt like I was at least slowly getting more and more over my lingering gaming addiction. I had been making connections, having new experiences, learning new things; I had not figured out a career and sometimes I had to borrow money from my parents which was and still is eating at me. I've been very stubborn about the kind of work I wanted to do and couldn't stand working an 9-5 for the brief couple of months I tried it. After I spent a few months at a summer camp and had some money saved up I decided to try to make some money during the winter hunting edible mushrooms in the forests in Oregon and selling them to restaurants. I felt very hopeful and excited by the idea of working on my own time and doing something I enjoyed, hiking in the woods. I had some mild success at first, but I didn't know anyone in Oregon so I ended up getting lonely and depressed pretty quickly and the weather was wetter and colder than I had even anticipated. I found a cheap room to rent and decided to buy a computer for the good ol "just a little bit of games to take a break for a few days" story we all know so well : \ Well, I ended up not going out to look for mushrooms for a month and just shut myself in playing whatever games I could torrent all day and night, conveniently in a different state from any friends who might have jostled me back to reality and more cheerful thoughts otherwise...I struggled with myself sometimes, trying to cook a healthy meal or go out into the woods, but I had been eating and sleeping so unhealthily that it felt like it would invariably end up being easier just to numb out with games a "little bit longer, then I'll take care of myself." I really enjoyed Cam's video about the instant vs. delayed gratification and found I could really relate to that. I stopped gaming super compulsively during the first half of the year and I spent a lot of time getting into rock climbing with a high school friend I ended up crashing with for a few months, and preparing for a computer class. I did still game sometimes and for once with other people, telling myself that at least I was doing it more socially. Unfortunately I had some health problems at the beginning of June, after getting an intestinal parasite and having a terrible reaction to the antibiotics my doctor prescribed, I ended having to give up both the computer class and a a job as a cook I had lined up for the summer and moved in with my parents while recovering. This was particularly tough because it made me feel like my life had been a series of failures and any of my undertakings just weren't working out: the mushroom hunting, the computer class, the summer job. I blamed myself and my lack of discipline in doing what needed to be done to accomplish my goals and to take care of my own health. Anyway, long story short, I have been at my parents' for two months or so and even though it was necessary because of my health, it still feels pretty shitty to be staying with them for so long being 29 years old. What is really challenging here for me is that all of my friends who used to live in this area have moved away and I have a somewhat difficult relationship with my parents...they often seem more of a source of frustration than support. I told myself that if I would go into my habitual pattern of gaming I could never get myself out of this hole and I haven't touched games (and also porn, trying to quit that too!) in about a month and a half now. Although sometimes I have been spending way too much playing online chess or watching Tv Shows, I feel like I've made a lot of progress in various areas. I've been working on my health by cooking (which I like to do a lot), exercising in various ways mostly swimming, body surfing, and hiking, and I've been applying to jobs as I really need some bank to get to living on my own again. I fortunately have found a pretty well paying gig working at home for a jewelry company that I'm just starting tomorrow so I am feeling good about that. Anyway, I feel like things are starting to slowly roll forward and I will continue to work on things slowly day by day, and staying away from games (and porn for me!) and more importantly, doing positive things in my life. One of the biggest insights in this process which I have learned from other places and Cam emphasizes as well is how important it is to not define your life in terms of what you're not doing (not gaming is not something you're actually DOING, because you're not doing anything...you need to fill that hole in your time with other experiences you find more meaningful). OK, I will have to stop for now and I apologize about not having the energy to proofread this big vomit of a post, it is hopefully intelligible enough : ) Take care and good luck to you all in your own individual journeys! Remember that it's your life and you're the one driving the boat : )