MmmWatermelon

Day 26 Had a good walk and yoga session in the morning; then I had another short Skype call to finish the study I'm participating in and I'll get a little pocket money in the mail for it soon : ) Also I decided to ask the gal on the other side of the screen out to lunch...kind of a random odd way to meet, but what the hey, and she actually was into it! So I have a date when I get back into town, I got pretty excited about that. I kinda surprised myself by asking her but I knew I'd regret it if I didn't since I'd never talk to her again; I feel both really attracted to her and she is fun and interesting to talk with so I really look forward to this when I get back into town in two weeks. Went outside in the afternoon and finished sanding down my wood carving by the side of a trail, always peaceful to do this kind of thing outside when it's still, then I went hot tubbing and swimming around a bit and had dinner and been hanging out with my folks. Gratitude: - feeling more willing to take risks - eating healthy food and taking the time to appreciate it today - talking about some good stories from the ol' country with my folks and actually having a good time together... - relaxing hot tubbing

Day 25 Tired today and felt like I needed to sleep a little extra and just be slow. Worked a bit more on my wood carving which is about done; feeling a little scattered because of not having work to do today so I stumbled upon a documentary and ended up watching the whole thing. I thought I'd get a jumpstart looking around for outdoor volunteer positions and sat down a bit beforehand writing down which of my skills I would like to use, which locations in California and other parts of the country would most appeal to me; one of the locations I wrote down was the Klamath Mountains in Northern California which has intrigued me for years yet haven't gotten around to visiting. Funny enough I looked around on a website with outdoor volunteer positions and found something that would be pretty much EXACTLY what I'd want to be doing IN the Klamath Mountains, I couldn't believe it!! It was a 2016 season gig, but I decided to call and ask about it and ended up reaching the guy who started the volunteer program and single handedly manages something like 200,000 acres in the Klamath Forest. He was super excited I was interested and we ended up talking for a good 45 minutes about my qualifications, my outdoors experience, his motivations for creating this program (basically to allow young people like myself to get their foot in the door to this kind of thing...he created a volunteer program that would be the ideal thing he wanted when he was in the same position himself as a younger guy, which is probably why it sounds so awesome) and whatnot. He seemed like a really awesome guy and he encouraged me to apply for the next summer and get in touch with him early and basically said I'd be a shoo in especially since I called and he already had a chance to know a bit about me. So yeah...I got super excited about this conversation because it would basically be my dream summer in the Klamath Mountains working as a back country ranger and doing a bit of trail work, whitewater rafting and backcountry horse stuff. Sounds way too amazing, though it is of course a long ways off, but it sounds like I could really have an awesome thing going on for the second part of next year if I can heal my back issues, get in good shape etc. in the next 8 months as it would definitely be a physically demanding role. I went for a short walk in the evening as I was feeling really in my head thinking about visiting my ex in a few days; I found myself thinking whether I still have feelings for her, would it be hard if she fell in love with someone else, do I just have inner hopes of hooking up with her because we did last time we saw each other, blah blah all these thoughts and feelings coming up, why is it so hard being a human bean sometimes? : ) I'm gonna plan on going for a walk tomorrow morning...I think it would be a really good thing for me to do that every day because it really helps clear my head and start the day up in a positive way. It feels both good in the moment and like it's exactly what I need to do to look to my longer term goals so double whammy. Even if it ends up being a short walk. I'm going to be out of town and staying somewhere else so my routines may end up being quite thrown off by the time I get back \ while I'm gone, but I'm also thinking of switching to meditating in the morning rather than evening. I've been consistently being able to fall asleep at night for a few weeks now and especially after camping so I don't think I need that as a way to fall asleep any longer. Grateful for: - getting excited over future possibilities - being able to fall asleep without trouble lately, and having pleasant dreams - kale and green apple smoothie - having a nice conversation with a friend tonight

Hi and welcome; it takes a lot of bravery to take a sincere look at your life and decide there are aspects you'd like to change, but that's how it always needs to start. Best of luck in this journey and this is a place you'll find a lot of support, all of us here have found ourselves entangled in one or another thing that seemed to lead nowhere and decided it might be a good idea to turn a corner...

Day 24 and an awesome one. I got up quite early today and went for a barefoot walk on the beach; I was feeling a bit tired and groggy but wanting to get up and moving before a chiropractor appointment at 9:30. My favorite part was watching some awesome surfers as well as this old guy who seemed like he could barely move but snailed his way down to the beach, stripped down, and got in the rather cold water at 7 in the morning, what a rock star! I hadn't been to the chiropractor in like six months, largely because I felt like it didn't make sense to pay money for it when I had bad habits such as gaming for hours and sitting in a chair that would just undo the work...now I felt like doing yoga regularly and moving around more really synergizes with being there and I felt some pretty deep intense things moving around during the session; I still have some appointments paid up from the springtime so I will definitely use those up and then likely see what money I can scrape up to continue because right now it feels like it could be particularly helpful with some of the more chronic pains that keep showing up. The secretary and I are also somewhat in love with each other in a soul to soul kind of way and it's always a ray of sunshine to be around her for a small part of my day, really nice to reconnect a bit today. Work's a little slow at the moment and for the rest of the week as the people I work with are busy with some things, a bit of a bummer since I was hoping to get some stuff done this week before going out of town; instead I found this study at a local university I could participate in for some money all done through Skype interviews so I did that today; the pleasant surprise was that the person interviewing me was a beautiful gal who was fun to chat with so I rather enjoyed work today, I'm kinda wondering if it would be weird to ask her to lunch after this rather unusual way to meet, but I think she was definitely having fun too, maybe she's just very excited about the research In the later part of the afternoon I spent a bit of time on a wood carving I started a while ago I'd like to give as a gift to my friend K when I visit; I really enjoy wood carving and spent a couple of years teaching myself on the side here and there but I really can't do it anymore due to injured muscles or whatever in the arms and shoulders and I already felt some pain after working for a few hours on it. Either way the carving is nearly done and I just need to do some sanding to finish it up now; drawing is a lower-impact activity I also really enjoy that can fulfill that niche so I will focus on that for now when I feel like being creative. Afterwards I improvised a bomb.com frittata with some vegetables I bought on my way home from the chiro. In the evening I went dancing even though I felt quite tired...I really wanted to go since I was out of town last week and I will be out of town next week again and I'm glad I did; dancing usually makes me energetic and feels like it gets my juices flowing no matter how I start, it's a great feeling. Tonight was an awesome group of people also and I also really enjoyed hanging out for a little while afterwards and chatting after the music was over. This dance meetup is quite an awesome and inspiring community.

Aw shucks, thanks, the feeling is mutual : )

Day 23 It's late so I'll keep it brief, good things that happened today: - had a productive if somewhat brief work session in the afternoon - went on a 4 mile hike in the early evening and worked up a good sweat in the hot sun - good talk with accountability partner Alex after we had a pause last week due to me camping - hearty veggy soup for dinner

Perhaps it is worth considering just trying out new things; sounds like you have been able to create a lot of space in your time and mind and are unsure of what to do with it now; I think it's worth considering what you feel passionate about and what makes you come alive; perhaps a better question just to have in the back of your mind as a general guide than to explicitly answer, to help being open with new experiences and activities, if you feel like you don't have a clear answer for that yet.

Day 22 Interesting juxtaposition of days yesterday and today...yesterday I was in a complete funk and just feeling angry and moody the whole day; I had a whole list of things I wanted to accomplish and just sat around eating junk and watching Netflix \ playing chess online all day; I think I also experienced some of the strongest cravings to at least check the gaming forum I used to be a part of recently but thankfully didn't cave in to that at least. Not being able to start my day properly really spiraled into a whole whatever. I think I was having a bit of hard time adjusting to being at home after the Nirvana of King's Canyon, just one of those days... However, I feel like I am getting better at accepting when I just have a funky day and seeing each day as a fresh opportunity; today I had a wonderful day! I went for a good walk early in the morning and made myself a good breakfast. Then I had my second session with the new therapist and it felt really productive; particularly I think she is really helping me see certain things from different angles and reframe certain ideas that have been a little too set in stone for me. Our sessions are going to continue to be a bit spaced out since I'll be going out of town again, but I'm glad I got the ball rolling and having another helpful human being in one's life is never a bad thing. I also talked to her about Game Quitters quite a bit today and she found it really exciting so she said she would watch Cam's Ted Talk : ) Part of having a hard time yesterday was needing to start a new project with work in kind of a different vein of what I've been doing and not feeling quite up to starting, so today I went to a juice place where they have wifi I've been working at lately and just busted out several hours of work, feeling very productive. In the evening I went to the beach with my dad and I had a bit of a swim and hiked with him down the length of the beach a bit, then we went to get something to eat. I'm in quite a good mood now and going to talk a bit on the phone then do yoga and meditate before sleep, feels like quite a well spent day and moving forward with several things I'm focusing on. Really looking forward to dancing two nights from now. Also, Sunday I am leaving town for 10 days to go to a wedding up in the Bay. The wedding isn't until two weeks from now but I am going to stay with my friend K that I also saw in King's Canyon for the week prior. Really looking forward to having a good amount of quality time with good friends, definitely high up there on my need list right now. I got some ultra cheap $10 Megabus tickets for this trip about a month and a half ago even though at that time I wasn't even sure I'd be able to feel functional around people, but I am now especially glad I did since even after 3 weeks of no gaming I feel a lot better in interacting with others. I think I'm also going to place a moratorium on myself on watching Netflix and playing chess for the rest of the week. It's definitely something I jump to in order to replace gaming when I am just in "let's check out" mode. I don't think I had really been on Netflix or played chess for any amount of time for a good 10 days before yesterday, and I don't feel the need to become a monk or anything, but I think at least for the time being it'd be good to focus on replacing computer-related activities with other things. and yay 3 weeks!

That link doesn't work for me Cam : (

Start of Day 20 Days 15-19 I went camping in King's Canyon and had an amazing time. I could probably write whole pages about these but I'll try to contain myself to what's relevant : ) Feels really good that I haven't touched a computer in 5 days and my phone only for a small handful of pictures (not much of a photo guy) and two headspace meditations (two were already queued and downloaded, didn't have phone signal or wifi to download more for those 5 days). Some of my favorite moments were amongst ones spent with K., one of my best friends who I met there and a friend of hers. We had a couple good swims at gorgeous river water holes, a campfire evening, some good meals together, and good laughs. It was also fun getting to know her friend who is really sweet. I'll be seeing again in two weekends at a wedding I'm going to, before they headed up to backpack in the Sierra high country. I joined them for the first couple of miles of their trip and a long break by a beautiful river spot before hiking back to figure out my solo adventures for a few days. I'd done a bit of research on camping in National Forests which is much less rule-laden and fee-laden than camping in National Parks; I ended up finding a spot just outside King's Canyon National Park, in Sequoia National Forest that had a good tent spot just 50 feet up from a little beach on the King's River, two perfect cottonwood trees for putting up a hammock, a good river splash place, and even nearby hiking trails, it was amazing! My back has been feeling so much better after sleeping outside for a couple of days and swimming in the cold river, I did some day hikes that were much longer than what I thought I could even do comfortably and felt great. Other than hiking and swimming I spent the rest of the time reading, lounging in the hammock and feeling the sun, cooking, doing things very slowly : ), a bit of drawing, doing yoga in a gigantic tent (I'm so used to the tiniest most crammed backpacking tents that having space to stretch on a few blankets and a yoga mat inside the tent felt quite a luxury). Trying not to be too antisocial even though I was camping by myself for a few nights I went to a National Park program I saw on a sign and had coffee with a park ranger on my last morning there for a good hour. I was genuinely curious about the logistics of getting into that kind of career and I asked him a lot about his experience during various summers and previous volunteer experience, as well as questions about the nature in the area. In conclusion, I think I'd be quite qualified to work as a park ranger or similar summer gigs given that I have a degree in natural history and forestry in California, and I have a lot of backpacking experience, but I'd probably need to have a few volunteer or low-paid internships under my belt to be considered for one of the competitive positions in a national park. Anyway, one thing I definitely may consider more and more...I might try to see what things I can apply for next spring or next summer since now I have a better idea of where to look around for these positions. I timed my drive back last night so I'd have a longer but more scenic drive through the Sequoia forests and climb down the foothills in the late afternoon and dusk and then do the longer stretches of freeway in the dark when there was no traffic. Stopped on the way for a bit on an unmarked grove of 4 giant sequoias, simply spectacular...the only thing I didn't fully account for was that my body got used to falling asleep at 9pm the last 4 nights so I got quite sleepy and didn't get home until after midnight, but all in all not badly planned. I have to say I feel pretty proud of my frugality for this trip; the only times I touched my wallet were for buying gas (probably about a tank or so) and the entrance to the national parks (I got a year long pass to national parks for $80 so I expect this will become quite cost effective); I did a good job planning my food and felt like I ate quite healthy so there was no need to stop anywhere for food at all. Favorite nature moments: a hummingbird hovering right in front of my face when I was lying still in a hammock, then landing on a twig an arms length away and scraping the sides of its beak as if it was cleaning it, never seen them do that before; stopping to look at a wide still river spot from a bridge in the late dusk one night, I could see dozens of bats flying around the river surface nabbing waterstriders and whatever other insects, and could hear a whole chorus of their high-pitched echo-locating squeaks; seeing "dippers," small plump birds that live on the river's edge and dive into the rapids to eat aquatic insects and seem to me like little brown river penguins; hearing an owl gently hoot through one of the nights I was camping; the wind in the cottonwood trees. Alright, well now that I'm back I guess it's time to figure out what to focus on currently and not sit on my laurels feeling good about this trip. I'm going up to the Bay next Sunday for a wedding in early september, but I'll be staying with my friend K. again for a week or so beforehand. I hope this will be a good time to reconnect with friends. I know a lot of the people who will be at this wedding, to differing degrees, but some of my closest friends will be there which is awesome. And I've really enjoyed the only other wedding I've been to before in the U.S., all the other ones have been Romanian weddings (which are in their own category of fun ). I'd like to get a bunch of work done this week and maybe get ahead on things so I can focus on friends time while up in the Bay, though I will also be able to work while there unlike in King's Canyon.

Hi all, Here is a small list of yoga videos in a more gentle \ restorative vein. I've found these to be extremely helpful with soothing anxiety, dealing with back pain, and just general relaxation. Mindful Yin Yoga - This one is very meditative and slow, just a handful of postures during the course of an hour; wonderful for slowing down and relaxing. 45 minute Yin Yoga Solid 1 hour Yin Yoga class, this guy talks throughout if you find that helpful for focusing ;) More great yin yoga sessions: A 35 minute bedtime sequence. I actually found this very helpful in restoring my sleeping schedule to sleeping at night after sometimes previously gaming through the night; 60 minute Yoga session focused on hips; this one isn't yin style, somewhat more fast paced / more of a workout. Pretty amazing for tight hips, I think I need to do this practice about 10 more times :) You can of course go at your own pace and pause the video as needed if you want to slow it down a bit, that's the great thing about doing yoga at home while following videos. 20 minutes of awesome shoulder and upper back stretches - awesome for people who spend time on the computer! Yoga Nidra Guided Meditation - Yoga Nidra is a guided meditation while lying down in corpse or similar pose. Can be incredibly relaxing. I can't imagine there's anyone out there who wouldn't like yoga once they found the particular styles that work for them! There are so many great videos on Youtube, I really encourage anyone who is curious to browse around...these are just a few selections that are more on the slow side and focused on relaxation, but there are many more out there. You also don't really need any equipment if you want to try some things before committing to buying anything or are strapped for cash. I have a old beat up mat I've had for years...I use old blocks of wood covered with airplane blankets or books in place of foam blocks when the videos suggest them. A blanket on carpet will also work great instead of a mat except for maybe a few exceptions like postures that require friction. Anyway, the point is if you have a computer which you probably do if you are reading this and you're willing to be a bit creative you can do this for free! Let me know if you like any of these or post others you like as well please!

Bine ai venit!

Day 14: Alright, nearly two weeks, that's a good feeling! Last night I went into full spa mode; drew a bath with some of those minty bath salts, lit a mango scented candle that sits around never gets used, put on some mellow music, and even had a rubber ducky I happened to find in a random closet whilst looking for something else. Ahhhhhhh..... This morn I went for a quick walk, saw a roadrunner, did some yoga and meditation; skyped for a while with my friend K. to prepare for the camping trip together and shoot the shit. I'll be meeting her and a friend of hers who is backpacking for the first time in King's Canyon and hanging out all day tomorrow then they will go backpacking on the following day while I'm going to chill out by the river for a few days. May or may not meet up with them again when they are done depending on how long they take. Definitely a lot of anxiety coming up getting ready for this trip, hope it will go well! Time to put some more things together...

Great work on two weeks, good milestone : ) and you're making me hungry for Thai food...

Day 13: Continued feeling ungrounded yesterday and fell asleep while reading a book so I didn't do my evening meditation for the first time in a while. Had somewhat of a nightmare when I woke up in the morning, my gut tells me it has to do with feeling anxious about my camping trip I'm planning for next week. Every time I've gone through one of these periods of gaming binging I just really lose my confidence and it takes a while to regain...I keep alternating between feeling rather anxious about this trip and feeling like it could be quite relaxing and reinvigorating; probably some of both...would be a really big step in moving toward a direction of feeling possibilities opening up, but I'm trying not to put too much pressure and expectation of feeling any particular way. Anyway went out for a walk in the morning sun, walking barefoot on the grass in a nearby park; then I had a really nice yoga session and reeeealy nice meditation, completely turned my mindset around and felt like I could really step into the day with enthusiasm and positivity. Had a fun conversation with my mom while eating soup as a late breakfast, then went out to the farmer's market and enjoyed have some lengthier interactions with a lot of people there; I was in a good mood and feeling chatty. One lady was selling candles and some oils and things and I must have smelled every single candle there, then eventually I bought some minty smelling bath salts from her since I'd been thinking about trying some of those lately to help dissipate muscle tension. From the market I went to the beach a little while and had a nice swim and some time in the sun. At home my mom was cooking some chicken and I started making some suggestions of spices to add then we got into a whole spiel of cooking improvisation which was fun: we cut up a bunch of veggies from the farmer's market and things that had been lying around and laid them around the chicken; the whole cloves of garlic, asparagus, and beets and beet greens were especially good. Been looking up some self massage techniques on Youtube which could be helpful to play around with more. Going to just do an hour of focused work tonight : )

That's a good point, I'll see what feels best Day 12 Yesterday I decided to take it easy and not have any expectations for myself getting anything done at all really. My body was quite tired and sore from dancing; did a bit of mellow yoga in the morning then spent the rest of the morning working on a letter. Went out to lunch with my dad since he had the day off and we had some really nice food and good conversation, it was actually pleasant. I was doing a bit of drawing in the letter which put me in the mood so I continued working on the drawing I started the other day into the afternoon and evening and finished it. I felt very relaxed into it and in a creative mindset, not feeling like I had to hurry and just having fun; quite happy with how the drawing turned out! Went outside to watch the Perseid meteor shower in the late evening with my mom and we saw maybe about 10 or so shooting stars, not bad for the level of light pollution around these parts! She got very excited about it; when meditating in the evening a lot of really difficult emotions were coming up, somewhat unexpectedly, which I guess is the way it naturally happens...was still feeling that in he morning and went for a long-ish walk which really helped clear my head. Am I investing small things with too much signifiance? it's as if I am trying to do things that will break down the story I have in my head about gaming and whatever else didn't feel good in the past...lots of thoughts that I don't have the energy to put down at the moment; I am just thinking a lot about the idea of "stories in our mind." I suppose one aim of meditation is to allow us to notice that whatever story seems to be playing out is just a story and only has as much power as we invest in it. Sometimes I confuse this with trying to eradicate the story, when perhaps simple noticing and awareness is enough. When I am trying to eradicate the story however I am doing nothing but "trying to outthink the thinker," as Andy Puddicombe of Headpsace would put it. Stories aren't inherently bad and in fact they seem to be an essential part of the human experience and how we engage with the world. We interpret our senses through language at a seemingly deep level. How deep is an open to question for me...I don't know whether it's even possible to even have experience outside of the constructs of language once our mind learns it, but there are for example moments of rapture in nature when preconceptions are cast aside and the senses are given seemingly full engagement. The empowering that comes from meditation is noticing there is no one and nothing but ourselves that is creating the story. We are able to mold it and change stories to a great degree and are free to apply our imagination to create a meaningful perspective on the world. been working on finishing this rather long letter all morning, got into a very creative place with it and started writing a whole short story / fable into it which is both fun and also brings up fears of rejection when it comes to my creative endeavors: lots of "what if this seems dumb?," "what if this doesn't make sense?", "what if this writing when I'm actually trying isn't any good?." Interesting to notice that I've invested quite a bit in this idea that even though I don't often try to write something very intentional, I'd like to think that I can write well if I do try. Hello unrealistic expectation, expecting to be good at something I don't even practice.I guess less stressful would be to ask myself if I want to be good at writing enough that I want to intentionally work on it and create time and space for it. Otherwise, this is just a stressful idea I am holding on to. I think I would need to explore what kind of writing I would even like to do, that's the part I get hung up on. My juices mostly seem to go when it comes to writing only when I'm either traveling and journaling, or writing letters. It feels "safer" writing something that isn't meant for any other eyes or just for myself, while in letters I can get a good idea of what will affect the person reading it since I know them well. -Thoughtful Mood

Sorry to hear you are going through something difficult, sending good thoughts your way. And just a gentle reminder that whatever it may be that's come your way, it is ok to feel pain and you always have the choice not to run from it.

I absolutely love this guy, Benjamin Smythe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c831QFvUYqY Maybe someone will get something out of these

Day 11 Another good day yesterday though challenging in some ways. Back feeling fatigued and in need of some rest, but I think it is easier to do something active and have a more tangible feeling of having done something, while allowing myself to rest I feel a bit afraid I might fall into gaming. I had hoped I'd be able to finish my current work phase rather quickly maybe in the 1-2 hours after waking up but I ended up coming up against some complications and it ended up taking longer. I had my first appointment with a therapist in the late morning so I started thinking about it quite a bit in the hours beforehand and feeling pretty emotional; so I laid work aside until the afternoon and did a little bit of thinking, and a bit crying, and some laughing; this was some good processing time for me...I was thinking how much people might benefit from going to therapy just from thinking what we need to get out there before even actually going, haha, seemed to be the case this time around. I think I'm really happy with the therapist I found; she was friendly, engaged, and felt very supportive. I was also pleasantly surprised by how familiar she seemed with the idea of computer game addiction when I was expecting it to be maybe outside her sphere of professional experience. I will be writing some journals between our meetings so I think this will be a great opportunity to sit down and look at some things closely and then have an insightful person so bounce ideas and thoughts off of. Also, feeling so grateful my insurance covers an hour of this a week completely...seriously thanks Obama, it makes such a difference to be able to see a doctor, go get blood tests, and now see a therapist once a week recently all without paying a single dime; so completely different than having to weigh the benefits you may or may not be getting against the stress of paying hundreds of dollars. I continued to feel a little emotional in the afternoon afterwards, trying to get work done but not feeling very focused. My back was really unhappy about sitting down at a desk today so I constantly felt on the cusp of wanting to get up and take a break and sitting down to power through it until finished without ever making a decision. Interesting thing to notice...I think my system of having breaks every 15 minutes might've been useful but I went into it with this expectation that "it won't take long, I won't be sitting down long" that I didn't even think to apply it. Next time I will keep on applying that system and remind myself to leave expectations of how easy or time consuming might be. Afterwards I went to the pool to decompress and played around with some finger stretches I learned a while ago. I noticed they did amazing things for allowing my shoulders to untighten significantly; all this shoulders pain trouble is definitely very connected with what is going on in the elbows and forearms and running into the hand muscles, certainly something to keep giving some tender loving care to Went dancing in the evening and it was greeeeeat. There's just nothing better than feeling free to move as you want, express whatever needs expressing, and explore your range of motion in creative ways with a bunch of friendly, familiar faces. Really awesome music selection last night. Random aside on the way home: I was pulling into a park off PCH on my way home to listen to the ocean for a minute and saw a woman passed out face down by her car door on the side of the highway right at that corner, with a bunch of young people standing around her. She was quite drunk and I guess had fallen down to the sidewalk trying to get in or out of her car. It seemed like no one was going near her, they had just called the cops, so I went over and lightly touched her on the back to ask her if she was in pain or had hit her head on the way down. Seemed like she could only moan and not form any words so I told her to just breathe and relax, people are on their way to help. After that she seemed to become a little more responsive, trying to form (still incoherent) words and trying to get up, so we could at least see she didn't appear to have hurt her face or head in any significant way. No idea what her story is, but I tried my best to be a little soothing in her unpleasant situation, hope she was alright... Today I don't really have anything planned or scheduled, which is great. I will also probably take a break from work and any computer time besides this journal; some things I'd like to do is have some relaxed reading time and write two letters to friends working at a summer camp, so they can get them before camp is done; I feel kind of bad that I didn't send them anything earlier, but fortunately there is still time I've been thinking over the past week about doing some kind of camping trip. I just know the mountains can heal all ills in body, mind, and soul as long as you get yourself there. Maybe a National Park where I'd be able to car camp and potentially even have a wifi connection to maybe work for a little bit each day could be really nice. Then while talking to my friend K she mentioned she is taking somebody on a first backpacking trip in King's Canyon next week so my bells went off. I believe there is even a convenient nearby lodge there that I could walk over to for work, though I need to do a bit more research.Even though I don't feel up for backpacking again yet, they will be camping their first night in the main valley so I could hang out for half a day with them, then have a few days to myself relaxing in King's River, then maybe even see them again when they are hiking back out. I've had some really healing times in King's Canyon in the past so I think I will go for this! So also today I will do a little more research, look over my dust-gathering camping gear, and think about some foods to bring so that I can still feel I'm eating healthy while tenting it. Some brown rice with lentils and squash with Indian spices are on the foreground of my mind for dinners . With lots of time in camp I should have ample time to practice my back-country slow cooking

Thanks Cam; I know people say this all the time but it really does baffle me how much individual attention you are able to give to people's journals. Did anyone ever tell you you're awesome? : ) Day 10 morn: Let's see, mostly followed my plan but I didn't end up going to the library because I felt like I was trying to do a lot of things already and I was in a good work flow at home. Mostly focused while working, I think what is giving me shoulder trouble while at the computer is irritation \ overuse in my elbows and forearms. To be honest I probably didn't have the most ergonomic setup while gaming. I've tried doing some carpal tunnel exercises lately here and there and they feel quite good so I don't think this is the problem thankfully, still probably a good idea to keep doing that as a preventive measure and since some of them just feel like good stretches. My elbow(s?) sometimes feel a little funky I wonder if I overstrained some tendons \ ligaments there or something, maybe developed some form of tennis elbow? It definitely has gotten a lot better over the last 10 days since spending much less time on the computer but knowing I'll keep on spending time on the computer working etc. I think it'll be a lot more empowering if I do a bit more research in this area. Alex also recommended some neat self-massage techniques using a ball for the neck \ upper back area that I'd like to look into while we were Skyping for our weekly checkin yesterday. Anyway, yesterday was a really wonderful day: besides feeling quite productive with work, I really enjoyed going to the beach and body surfing a bit \ getting a good amount of sun and reading a tad; and eating cold watermelon I brought mmmmm. Mmmmm, watermelon...hehe, tis the season. Skype call with Alex felt really good, lost track of how long we were talking, probably a good hour. Seems like we can relate on quite a number of points about our experience for the last 10 days. Also touched on possible triggers \ challenges going forward and how to be prepared for that. Afterwards cooked the chicken soup but since I'd already had an earlier dinner decided to be disciplined and not eat late at night; left the goodiness for this morning since it heats up wonderfully anyway, like fresh (made such a giant pot that it didn't even cool until 5AM anyway). And eating that wonderful soup this morning for breakfast was a nearly religious experience, my body just screamed "more of this please, after I lie here a few hours in culinary ecstasy" Yoga was a little difficult last night, some parts of my upper body were really tense or even downright painful from being so active \ working a bunch of hours (I did by the way do 5 minute breaks every 30 minutes and it really helped my productivity, something to keep doing!). Also felt really hard to sit there for 20 minutes while meditating, I just felt like I wanted to get up the whole time haha So today I've got the therapist appointment in the late morning which should be interesting and I feel like I will have energy to go dancing in the evening with my Wednesday group, something I've been looking forward to for the last few days. Grateful for: -good eats -having found a solid accountability partner who I can relate with well

Day 9 morning Yesterday was a pretty straightforward and mellow day. I decided to take it pretty easy and not push my body much since I was feeling somewhat sore from some more intense yoga sessions and long walks. Always important to pay attention to my back to feel whether it's needing some vigorous movement or rest or something in between in order to heal. Just went for a short and slow walk after waking up to take in the morning feeling which is always nice; good way to get that gaming dream of my head too though it really dissipated on its own within a few minutes. Made a bagel sandwich for myself and one for my mom and happened to get into somewhat of a deep conversation with her; she's been feeling very, very depressed and having a hard time with things so this conversation felt necessary but also a bit draining. Afterwards went to the juice place I discovered a few days ago to work for a good while then returned home and worked until 5pm. Started off concentrating pretty well but I definitely find it challenging to focus on work for a whole afternoon especially since I find it difficult to sit and work on the computer with a good posture and feel like it isn't conducive for improving my posture \ back issues. I think today I will focus on making sure I take a 5 minute walk around / stretch break every half an hour. Rest of the day I did a very mellow yin yoga sequence, took a nap, and talked on the phone with an ex. And evening meditation which I'm loving more and more every day and feel grateful to have as a part of my routine. Woke up feeling refreshed today and went to get a remaining blood test that I had to do without eating in the past 12 hours. It was a little crowded there with other people going in early for the same reason so it was an hour or so wait. Good opportunity to practice being with my anxiety around other people in a crowded waiting room. It's interesting to notice it and watch it dissipate. Maybe I was in a bit of a meditative mindset, by the time I went in I was in a happy mood and feeling all chatty with the nurse and making her smile which felt nice : ) Plan for the rest of the day (about 10am now) -breakfast -work at home for 2 hours -go to the library and keep working. Would like to work somewhere outside the house but also not spend any money. Plus the library is next to the... -beach time in the late afternoon to get some sun and water time -skype call with accountability partner at 5 -need to write a long email to my cousin ive been putting off -I'm feeling the need to have some kind of delicious nutritious dish in the fridge that'll last a few days so I will go get some ingredients for a chicken soup, maybe I'll make it tonight if I have the energy or tomorrow morning. Grateful for: - my good friend K, she's a ball of sunshine and always makes me laugh and find a positive mindset - feeling productive - having taken the time to meditate every day for the last 11 days

Start of day 8 (made it a week, hooray!) Yesterday I felt kind of sore when waking up and decided to go for a shorter walk, yet as an experiment ended up walking the same longer route as yesterday. My mental space while walking was a bit taken up with some difficult thoughts which was a little extra tiring, but it also felt good getting another morning walk in and then particularly enjoying breakfast. I've been working on perfecting the poached egg with roasted mushrooms on toasted onion bagel (yesterday with farmer's market avocados!). Maybe one thing I haven't touched upon that much in this journal is my living situation with my parents. I've been staying with them since sometime last year when I had some pretty acute health problems and wasn't able to function very well. Long story short, at some point I basically had diarrhea for several months in connection with an intestinal parasite and left me feeling for a way too long period of time like I had no appetite for anything and no kind of food was sustaining me. My body felt very weak and lacking vitality, and to top it all I had a terrible reaction to the anti biotics I was given. I guess the dealing with that whole situation plus needing to live with my parents is what plunged me into the depression \ difficult emotions that led to this particular gaming streak; before this last year, gaming had been a problem when staying with \ visiting my parents in the past because I suppose I have somewhat of a difficult \ distanced relationship with them (lots of complexity there, as is usually the case...) and often felt the need to disconnect. I've also had a lot else to my life of course where gaming didn't play a central role and lots of positive things happened, learned lots of things, met lots of people, was challenged a lot, lots of life that I am eternally grateful for happened to put it shortly. I'm kind of losing track of where I was going with this, but I guess the point is I definitely think my problem periods of gaming have a lot to do with my unfulfilling relationships with my family members, which I know I've read is the case for some other people on here too, particularly the younger folks. I was even aware of this even ten years ago when I went off to college when I had my first attempt to quit gaming and didn't touch a game for two years straight...however gaming had a way to pop back up for me like a sort of annoying whack a mole, most often though not always when I came back to visit parents now and then. Anyway, I think one reason it's been easy to be hard on myself during the months of gaming I've had in the past year is that it's something I tried hard to work at letting go of during the past ten years. I really thought I was getting better also about two years ago when I was dating someone who I felt particularly able to talk about my history of gaming with openly and who had a lot of helpful things to say about it. That was one of the hardest things about quitting on my own ten years ago, is that I didn't really talk to anyone about it and naturally avoided hanging out with gamers so I felt pretty isolated as someone who had gamed a lot all of my childhood but wasn't doing it at all anymore. Sometimes I wasn't thinking of it much or at all but once in a while it nagged me I suppose. I still remember once after I had made a good friend at a summer forestry program in the mountains, we were having lunch and talking and somehow the subject of video games came up and he told me he used to be a pretty hardcore WoW player; I couldn't believe it and then the remainder of the lunch I think we reminisced about old games we had played and it felt like a big relief to talk about games with somebody I felt close to and rather admired in many ways. I think I oddly carry a lot of judgements / self-judgments about gamers and for a long time had a tendency to try to repress / reject that part of myself instead of accepting and healing it. Well, just getting carried off my thoughts here, not sure if I am going anywhere with that, but it feels good to do that while journaling sometimes, to see what thoughts and memories connect. I think the point I was trying to make from the start is that it feels like a big emotional drain to be living with my parents...as well as not having much money at the moment. It's also a big piece of resistance to getting a more permanent job, because I don't really want to be living here much longer. Fortunately I've been able to put a bit of money together through my job working at home. At some point I just need to take the plunge and figure out a new living situation. My thought keeps coming back to figuring out a place I can car camp and have a wi-fi connection at the same time so I can enjoy some outdoors time for the rest of the summer while also working a bit every day...it could be awesome and I wouldn't need pay rent for a little bit, and my camping / outdoor skills are one of my strengths Last night had a really nice yoga 40 minute yoga session (it was a lot more athletic than I had anticipated when I started the video, and it felt good so I just kept doing it, felt quite worked out at the end! This morning I decided it'd be nice to take it easy and just have a really short, mellow walk) and a nice meditation. Feeling very emotional during the past day or so and like I'm sort of processing some things that have been on the backburner; also, this morning I woke up from the middle of a very distinct gaming dream. It left me with a really unpleasant feeling for a couple of minutes, as if I had just woken up after a sleep slept right after a long gaming session. Funny how when I do have gaming dreams it's often not even a game that exists but some sort of creation / concoction of my strange imagination. Oh, brains are strange things, who knows what they are ever doing!?

Start of Day 7: Had a really nice day yesterday, continuing after my morning hike. Went to the farmer's market and bought some veggies then I sat in the park and read until the afternoon and walked around some more. Later in the afternoon I went home for some lunch (salmon and brown rice with veggies) and read some more; was getting back into Ishi, a book I started a few months ago and hadn't gotten around to finishing yet. I did a yoga nidra meditation in the afternoon though I felt a bit distracted, or rather restless in my body. I got my blood test results back in the mail and most things are looking pretty good! The only thing that's a bit worrisome are my vitamin D levels are in the deficiency zone, guess I haven't been seeing enough sun :\ This can cause aches in the joints and general pain in the body, as well as fatigue which definitely fits the bill with what I've been feeling sometimes. Decided to start acting on this right away and went to the community pool nearby to expose as much skin as possible to the afternoon sun and swam a little bit. In the evening I let myself watch some Netflix just for a little while, talked on the phone a bit then had plenty of time to do some yoga and meditate right before bed which felt really good and I was able to get into it. Grateful for: -feeling like my sleep and energy levels are significantly stabilizing -moving around and being outside a lot -support from friends, this community, and other inspirational sources -Walt Whitman poetry

Thanks AlexTheGrape, really appreciate the message. Great going on sticking with it and focusing your life in positive directions! Morning of Day 6: Yesterday I hit a bit of a difficult stretch. I realized it was really tiring of thinking of planning my day in terms of filling it with things so that I could avoid something. It felt sort of artificial and I didn't feel particularly in the mood to do anything including drawing. By and by and I ate a bunch of chocolate and watched a bunch of Netflix and kind of got in a sour mood all day. Of course that didn't make me feel any better about how I spent the rest of my day so I at least went to bed at a semi reasonable hour. Woke up feeling a bit frustrated but also more open trying to figure out the feelings I'm going through that made me want to disconnect like that. I think it's the lack of certainty and feeling of unknown that I was having a hard time being with. Sitting around gaming or watching Netflix mindlessly for hours of course at least involves some degree of certainty because you know you'll be in the same place (or maybe worse?) afterwards but if you are trying to improve your situation I suppose you introduce the fear of failure into the equation. Where is my optimism? I feel like I had developed an almost naive faith in things working out and an optimism in myself being able to figure things out during my last few years but I feel painfully cut off from that part of myself at the moment. Well, I decided I had to do something with all that frustrated energy and went for a brisk walk for an hour after waking up and that's made me feel better and somewhat back on track. I didn't game or was even tempted to but I recognize that feeling unable to deal with certain things is what will lead me to gaming so conversely, trying to work through things as they come up is that will make this successful. And trying not to read too hard into these sharp up and down swings...

I agree 100% Alex...someone just sent me this nice Mary Oliver poem on this very theme : ) Sleeping in the Forest / Mary Oliver I thought the earth remembered me, she took me back so tenderly, arranging her dark skirts, her pockets full of lichens and seeds. I slept as never before, a stone on the river bed, nothing between me and the white fire of the stars but my thoughts, and they floated light as moths among the branches of the perfect trees. All night I heard the small kingdoms breathing around me, the insects, and the birds who do their work in the darkness. All night I rose and fell, as if in water, grappling with a luminous doom. By morning, I had vanished at least a dozen times into something better.