MmmWatermelon

Day 70 Thanks Alex and Cam, I appreciate the good vibes : ) I've been doing a lot better over the weekend; I guess one thing I have learned from the short relapse is how quickly I can go to feeling like everything is a big pile of "ugh" to also quickly feeling somewhat on top of things...I decided this was a good opportunity to practice not having an all or nothing approach to things, which is often a downfall for me. Not everything goes your way in life, whether the big or small things, but trying to have a positive attitude is the best way to both be able to appreciate when things do and also deal with things not working out in the best way you'd like them to. I've been becoming more committed to doing daily yoga over the last few days and have had some nice sessions, especially last night (and I'm feeling up for a nice practice before bed tonight after I write this . I've also been working a lot doing food deliveries the last few days, which has been somewhat lucrative, I've been getting consistently good tips which I'm very grateful for. I've set an approximate day \ week for which I'm moving up to the Bay with K, basically before the end of the month so I can be up there for Halloween with her =) I'm trying to save as much money as I can before that so I feel a little less stressed about that. This DoorDash gig feels amazingly similar to doing RPG quests haha...you pick up food from a wide variety of restaurants and deliver it within a couple of miles, then get coins in return One thing I'm looking forward to this week is seeing a friend who I saw at the wedding the other night who's band is playing a show in LA Thursday night and seeing some other college friends who are around there to see them also. Grateful for: - yoga - seeing an amazing sunset tonight over Catalina Island tonight; the whole sky was a huge gradient of orange and pink with very bright streaky clouds dotting the sky - eating a really good dish of beans with corn, onions, and other veggies today for lunch and dinner.

Day 68 So I kinda have been having a relapse for the last few days. It started out with playing a lot of online chess then turned into watching let's plays and then playing some browser games for the last two and a half days. I really feel shitty about this but I think I'd better fess up and not drag this on. I think my attitude when I started was "oh just a quick browser game, this 'barely' counts...I'm doing so well and I haven't played games in two months so this shouldn't feel like a big deal." Two days later I'm just feeling worse and worse about it and realizing this is how every relapse starts; anyway, I guess I've just been feeling overwhelmed...I went to the chiropractor a few days ago and even after that I was feeling a lot of neck pain for the whole rest of the day; this just makes me feel very depressed. also, my family situation isn't very good; with my parents impending divorce there is a lot of tension in the house and I absolutely hate being here; theoretically I am moving at the end of the month but I'm also really scared about that. I could theoretically go camping for a few days to not be here but I don't know if my body feels up for it; it just started feeling difficult focusing on things like working and meeting new people while I don't know how to deal with my difficult feelings about my health and living situation. Just ye old spiral of self pity, worry, anger, and uhh whatever else is there in the mix. It's weird...in any situation like this it feels like a part of me still knows there's gotta be at least one good course of action that will help me navigate this to the best of my abilities and give me the greatest possible amount of happiness and ease, but I wonder what stops me from at least trying? Nothing but myself I guess. It feels good to at least acknowledge these feelings in writing; feels like there's a very heavy stone in my chest right now and I don't know how to ease the weight...

Day 60 I saw my therapist this morning, which was good since I missed last week due to sleeping in...=D I don't know if seeing her is all that transformational given that it's only once a week but I do some journaling about it in between sessions and I guess it gets me thinking about some stuff; either way, it can't hurt and insurance pays for it; maybe it isn't exactly what I was expecting but is / could be helpful in some ways I don't see or expect at the moment. I signed up to work for DoorDash an app-based company that has drivers delivering food from restaurants to people's homes. Today I picked up a bit of gear from the local office then worked maybe around four hours or so; the money wasn't great but it's better than nothing and I will give it a couple of shots to see what the average ends up being, while still looking into other work options. I've also learned of one awesome restaurant I'd like to check out sometime : ) I just went to the pool for a couple of minutes to decompress after a few hours of driving and I'm also looking forward to doing a yoga nidra meditation before bed. 2/3 through the detox, *pats own back*. Grateful for: - water, ice water, and whipped cream (not necessarily combined...) - floating in water, can be so relaxing - having options

Day 59 Woke up early-ish again which felt awesome, I'm pretty back on track sleepwise, feeling tired in the evening and naturally waking up early in the morning. Hope to keep this up; also meditated as I have been for the past few days. Afterwards though I was feeling a complete lack of motivation in figuring anything out workwise, i.e. looking for gigs or following through with stuff I've been looking at; I watched some movies and ate a little too much pie through a good chunk of the day, hah hah. In the afternoon I decided to get up and at it and went for a 5 mile hike; I felt really good noticing how much my back pain has ameliorated through the last two months...I actually felt just really good hiking today and wasn't really in any severe pain to speak of at all. A few months ago it was oftentimes painful just trying to walk a single mile so I'm really stoked on how things are going with releasing tension from the spine and also having built up more muscle strength and much better cardio. Afterwards I went dancing at my "home" place again and had a REALLY good time! Interesting to notice how I love dancing at this place way more than the other two I've checked out recently. I love the music selection, the people who I guess I'm also more familiar with, and just the general vibe. The fact that it's a short drive also way helps. Tonight I danced together with a couple of people, which I felt really good about; I've been wanting to do that more and it oftentimes doesn't come to me naturally; it's definitely just my own mindset that mostly affects being able to or not, it's not that others are closed to it, interesting to notice! I still find that I get a little stiff and try too hard to be creative or something like that. I also spent time talking to people afterwards and met a guy who's a massage therapist and yoga instructor; he's also hurt his back recently and installed a fabric trapeze in his house to help him do stretches aided by gravity, and invited me over to use it; new friend? I've also been wanting for a good while to ask the gal who plays the music if she'd like to hang out sometime; she is really fun and friendly and seems really interesting, while the dance place isn't a great place for long conversations; I'd love a chance to get to know a bit about her. So this is great, a bit of a social breakthrough tonight if these things do happen, besides feeling great from moving a lot for the past 6 hours : ) Lesson to notice here that I've been paying attention to over the last month: when a bit of negative momentum builds up during the early part of the day, it's really easy to have an "all or nothing" approach and get upset at yourself for not meeting your own expectations; I know that so many times in the past I've had a rocky start of the day and then felt gloomy about it and dropped evening plans etc. and sulked. Just acknowledging that sometimes I won't feel like doing shit and that's ok, I can still do fun things in the evening is great, and now I definitely feel recharged for tackling some more serious business tomorrow. Let's make a concrete goal for finance stuff: I'd like to put at least $1000 aside by the end of October. Grateful for: - my body working properly in so many countless ways - moving a lot today and feeling good - delicious peach galette and other food

Day 58 Had a great night's rest and woke up refreshed at 7. I meditated, had breakfast and went for a jaunt on the beach in the morning. I worked in the late morning, made a dessert of fruit salad, whipped up some cream and grated some chocolate (fun and yummy!) In the afternoon I took a short drive to the library in the next town over to get a book I wanted and some other small errands. Had a really fun talk with Alex, my great accountability partner, touching on how some people can find balance with their game playing, as well as some really mind blowing biology. In the evening I did some small tasks like laundry, baked a galette pie with my mom and talked on the phone with K and another friend. Grateful for: - Getting a good sleep and waking up at a decent hour - having fun and being creative in the kitchen - having a lot of conversations today - the fact that this forum saves drafts, otherwise I'd have to rewrite this after accidentally hitting Backspace, way to go Cam : )

Day 57: I ended up waking up hours before daybreak since I fell asleep so early last night and couldn't go back to bed; I meditated then read in bed about geology from a natural history book; this kind of reading and discussion is something I'd like to keep focusing on to keep my sights on working as a ranger next summer. It feeds my passion for learning about nature and I really enjoy thinking about natural history, especially whilst talking about it with somebody else. However, my first breakfast food of cereal wasn't maybe adequate energy as I was \ am feeling very depleted today and my head was just hurting from thinking too hard about some things : ) I went for a short walk and made a more substantial shakshuka dish with mushrooms, brussel sprouts, broccoli, and kale. I spent the afternoon doing some small things I've been wanting to get around to in the house such as putting on some things on the wall, and in a half focused manner thinking \ researching about some ways for me to make money. I'd like to do some tutoring and have been getting zero responses to some messages I've been sending out over the last week or so; this is frustrating but my profile on the tutoring website I use is quite old and it may be time for an overhaul, I feel like I don't relate to how I present myself on there and it might be more motivational in reaching out to more potential students if I feel like my profile would more accurately convey what I'd like to get across; as it is now, it feels like a bit of an obstacle in the back of my mind. I also called the environmental place that may be hiring fundraisers and left a message in the morning but sadly they didn't call back until the late afternoon and I missed the call so I will follow up again tomorrow to set up an interview. Progress there! Sounds like that could have real potential. If that doesn't work out, I may also consider working doing food delivery. I had a fun talk with K in the afternoon about geology and other things; I touched a bit on the idea of living with her...I think her house \ general vibe and mood of the area would be much more positive for me to be in and I would probably be much happier. The few things holding me back are 1) fear: of the unknown, of fearing that I might not be able to bring what I'd hope to bring to this relationship over a longer haul, fear that I wouldn't be able to focus on my own goals while living so closely with someone else (for example, I didn't really meditate during the two weeks visiting her recently, I only practiced yoga sporadically, and got nearly no work done, yet I had a really good time and felt genuinely happy...), fear of not having my own space to be alone much while living in close quarters with several people, fear of what certain people in my life might think about me being back with an ex. Well, all of this is just plain dumb, unfounded, bullshit F.E.A.R. I don't know who Jack Canfield is other than he said this quote which feels very relevant to this situation: "Everything that you want is on the other side of fear." I've been telling myself that I want to stay around here to give my chiropractor more of a shot to take effect and if I got a job I could stick around for at least a while (fortunately none of these jobs require any sort of time commitment and I could do them for as long as I'd want) but my gut tells me that changing to a more positive home environment especially now that my parents have decided to divorce (a storm I definitely don't have any desire to be in the middle of). So, more to ponder on and talk with K about, I think this is the leap I most need to take. Feeling exhausted...already did hours ago, but I tried making sure I don't fall asleep so that I can hopefully sleep until morning...I did a bit of yin yoga to relax and cooked lentils with radicchio and fennel for dinner while half listening to the debate...got lots of leftovers for the coming days too Grateful for: - having good healthy food without needing to cook for the next day or two - allowing myself to relax in the evening - being on the path to a healthier sleep schedule

Day 56 I felt tired today but didn't let myself use that as an excuse from doing a lot anyway. I woke up very early after falling asleep early, maybe around 4:30am and had a kale smoothie leftover from yesterday and some tea and read Lolita until sunrise; oh, also meditated for 10 minutes first thing before that...I am going to work on making it a habit to do a morning meditation every day when I wake up since I haven't been on top of my meditation habit for the better part of a month, but I am going to go down from 20 minutes I had been doing to 10 to make sure it's more likely that it happens every day. I was thinking of going for a walk on the beach around sunrise but my dad was also going to go on a hike nearby in the morning and he doesn't like going to the beach with a high tide so I joined him with some hesitation instead. Hesitation because oftentimes it just feels difficult spending an extended time talking with my dad, he's not the easiest to connect with for me and then only on some limited sides. There's a lot of things that he talks about that just stress me out and we just think very differently; he talked my ear off this morning about some complicated dealings with a piece of land he has back in Romania and all the details of selling it, formalities blah blah; he has no concept that I don't even know Romanian well enough to follow half of the things he's saying at such high speed about such an unfamiliar subject to me. Why is it so hard for me to connect with my dad sometimes? I guess it feels like he really buys into the Romanian stereotypical idea of what it means to be a man in many ways; things that are worth talking about are everything that has to do with economics, comparing prices, ways to take car of your car. I guess things that just aren't part of my inner world. We also got to talking about the fact that my parents are divorcing, which I found out in the last couple of weeks; we had a pretty heated discussion about a lot of things and I felt like I had a chance to say a lot of things I had on my mind that I had never had a chance to express. I wish I didn't spend as much time as I did analyzing my parents psychology and trying to figure out all the ways they must have fucked me up...sometimes I feel like I have 50% of my brain devoted to that... ; \ I had a second breakfast after getting back from hiking later in the morning, felt very hobbit-esque for that. Some delicious spinach and feta tamales I picked up at the farmer's market yesterday and steamed up to heat, some small quantities of a mushroom medley also from the market: shiitake, maitake, crimini, oysters, white trumpet, and beech mushrooms. I decided I really like beech mushrooms, they are so cute and rubbery in a good way, they look very attractive cooked as tiny whole caps. I went to a two hour dance event a bit of a ways down the coast in the early afternoon; it was very much a Burning Man crowd I suppose. I spent a bit of time chatting with some little girls who were selling their art, got a little felt thing for two bucks, it is hard to say no to entrepreneurial five year olds. The dance was ok I guess, after being at this dance and another one in San Diego the last Friday, I guess I didn't have as good of a time at these as the one I go to regularly on Wednesday nights, or maybe I just didn't quite get into it. I really like the music of the Wednesday night one. In the afternoon I went to the SD Botanic Gardens for a while even though I was quite tired. I wasn't sure if I'd have the energy to enjoy it but it was awesome! There were so many things I saw that piqued my interest I don't even know if I'd be able to list them. This visit definitely excited me even more to learn about the botany of Southern California which I am not as familiar with as the Northern. Interesting plants of the southern california chaparral community were the rare Torrey pine (its meager foliage reminds me a bit of ghost pines in the Sierra foothills , endangered Del Mar manzanita (very slender branches compared to other manzanita I've seen), chamise, some very tall buckwheat, and a jojoba plant that had ripe nuts on it...I tasted one and it reminded me somewhat of a kind of dried up almond seed with bitter taste, quite good though for something that would just grow around in the desert! In the bamboo section I really liked a type of bamboo called painted bamboo whose stems have a pleasant yellow background with patterned bits of delineated green vertical stripes placed around. Also, a very beautiful pond that took my breath away that had floating white and pink lotuses floating around, a very large frog resting near one of the flowers, red-eared turtles, bright orange dragonflies, and many other interesting aquatic plants. Many interesting things in the subtropical fruit section, not to mention delicious haha...saw a cheremoya tree which was very beautiful, some crazy banana flowers that I haven't seen since being in Hawaii ten years ago, their developing part really looks like a purple upside down artichoke heart. There was a pineapple guava with many hundreds of fruit scattered on the ground...I was walking around the fruit tree section for a bit with two cute ladies from Oakland I met and we all stuffed our pockets with guavas. Interesting how just thinking about eating them creates a feeling of sourness on my tongue! =D The last thing I really admired before leaving were some life sized sculpture of people made entirely out of succulents, one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a long time! I ended up falling asleep around 8:30 from being so tired and waking up before midnight...hopefully I won't have any trouble falling back asleep, good night!

I guess that game deserves its spot on the list... don't be too hard on yourself about this! (and definitely not going to that website now =D)

Day 55 Woke up earlyish and went for a decently long hike over some hilly terrain. Body felt good after massage today, definitely tired myself out. Had leftover shakshouka for breakfast then got some veggies from the farmer's market before heading to my chiropractor's place. I did a bit of reading then went to a coffee shop to get some work done. My dad came back from a month in Romania so I listened to his travel stories over dinner. Been working some more at home, just really wanting to finish the current project and I just did, now I'm exhausted. Today I'm grateful for: - seeing a closeby gliding roadrunner as well as a Northern harrier right overhead while hiking today; bird bonanza! Also some very beautiful mauve morning glories growing over a wall. - delicious cantaloupe - having ample time to do some yoga and still go to bed before 10. Veeery tired - being able to hike with less and less pain in my back; definitely seeing some slow and steady improvement here - my room finally being organized more or less

Way to go, way to go, you are awesome : ) What kind of food are you putting on your menu? Dancing is awesome, I also have been getting into it more and more as I'm dropping games This is only the beginning, keep exploring : )

Day 54 This morning I got a massage at this place next door to my chiropractor's that's offering massages to my chiropractor's members for $30 per hour, amazingly cheap and it felt so good and helpful; I think I'm going to make this a weekly thing since when will ever have such awesome massages available for that price!? Got a bit of work done, cooked some afternoon shakshouka, and had some really nice Skype conversations with a friend and K in the evening after a nap. Missing K in the sense of having a warm body nearby in bed. Yesterday I had a helpful talk with my accountability partner that helped me get back on track a little bit...last few days I've been relapsing on the online chess quite a bit even though I told myself I wouldn't keep doing it at least until the end of the 90 days. My room's been a mess whilst in the process of a deeper reorganizing so I haven't had floorspace for some things like yoga...I think I'm going to power through cleaning it right now even though it's late because it's very helpful for me to have a cleared desk to help with planning my day and stay focused on what's important, as well as have a clear floor for doing yoga. I feel quite uninterested in continuing my current job doing computer stuff part time; I'm not enjoying it much or getting much out of it anymore and it doesn't even pay enough that I'm saving as much money as I'd like. I'm nearing the end of a project so it might be a good time for me to hop off and move on to something else. I could also keep doing it on the side just a little bit but frankly it takes up more of my mental space than it should...I've been talking to a couple of people in an environmental organization I run into in front of the grocery store and it sounds like I'd be able to get a job with them doing fundraising around the area; I think having regular hours could be really helpful in helping me get and stay out of the house more, working on my feet and not at a computer, it would also be a nice way to hang out around a group of what so far seems positive young people, and an opportunity to work on my people skills, and maybe learn more about the local history and natural history which I'm interested in.

Day 46 Quite tired today after dancing so I slept in; hard to keep to getting up early to do work, something to keep working on; I busted out a bunch of work all through the afternoon though since I was feeling behind and got quite a bit done, feeling a bit more caught up on my current project and like the rest will flow easily; went for a swim before dinner and had a yummy dinner with my mom.

Day 45 Half way through 90 days. WOOOOHOOOOO. I guess like other longer-running journals I've read on here I can also echo that it's amazing what a difference a month and a half of not gaming and focusing on meeting life where it needs to be met can make. Very grateful for the support of this community and the awesome Cam and also my accountability partner Alex who's been a big help through this process; really, really happy that we've been able to keep a good streak together : ) Overall I'd say I feel like a lot of things are moving in different areas of my life in positive directions and this is a good feeling. Had a really nice day today to bring home the halfway point of the detox: woke up early and went for an hour hike in the morning which felt good, yesterday's leftover shakshouka for breakfast, and then I went to the coffeeshop to work for a quite focused couple of hours. The walk I do regularly in the mornings is actually quite a bit longer than I realized so I got to work somewhat later than planned, but I think this idea of focused work in the morning to feel like I have space in the afternoons for other things I think is quite worthwhile. I went to see my therapist after lunch, whom I hadn't seen in three weeks and even though our time together is quite limited, it definitely feels like something that can give me a small edge in keeping my momentum going and perspective intact. She's also advised me to see an orthopedic doctor to get another opinion on what might be causing me backpain; I think this is a good idea and really something that's been on my mind for a while but always kept putting on the backburner. In the afternoon I did various things semi productively like clean parts of my room (one of the things on my do list is to very thoroughly organize my closet, work on repairing and maintaining my backpacking and camping equipment; I think a more thorough organizing streak and getting rid of some stuff I never use \ simplifying would be another great way to create a little more mental space and focus on what I actually care about and feels important. In the evening I went dancing which was really great, this little dance group was maybe what I missed most while out of town; tonight was very special in that a really badass awesome veteran experienced DJ played music and also really, really inspired me with her own dancing; the way some people move is so great for lack of me feeling very adjectevial tonight. She'll also be DJing a dance in San Diego on Friday so I think I'll plan on hitting that one up too! Now to meditate and drift to sleep...

I once hopped a freight train across the state of Nevada I've hiked the John Muir Trail One of the qualities I most appreciate in people is expresiveness and I love it when people allow themselves to laugh and cry fully I taught myself woodcarving after only watching an 8 minute instruction video; I cut my fingers a lot in the beginning I can play chess without looking at the board, though not well

Thanks, that's interesting to think of what might be psychological needs that are being fulfilled by various parts of life, something I could definitely work on having more awareness of . Reminds me a bit of a method Benjamin Smythe talks a bunch in seveal of his videos: asking oneself the simple questions "what do I want?" and "what am I using it for?"

Day 44 Slept in quite a bit today but the rest of my day felt quite focused and positive. Went for a walk along what was starting to become my regular morning route but I lengthened it a bit to a baseball field nearby and walked around barefoot on the grass for a little while, which felt nice; interesting unfamiliar tree along the path is in bloom that looks kind of like a truffula tree with a surprisingly skinny straight trunk and very round well-shaped crown filled with soft pink blossoms. Also found a beautiful blue-iridescent completely intact dead wasp about an inch long - a tarantula hawk? I took it home while carefully avoiding putting my fingers anywhere near the stinger. Made shakshouka again today for lunch while my mom in the kitchen making other stuff and we had a nice time chatting and sharing our foods once cooked. In the late afternoon had a talk with Alex who's been my accountability partner and it was really nice to reconnect and catch up after I wasn't able to do a Skype call for the past two weeks; having these kinds of weekly regular checkins can really help create a rhythm to things and feel super helpful; I went to a coffee shop in the evening to be able to do some focused work and had a chai tea, rather yummy but next time I will ask them to not put in sugar as it was quite sweet. Then at home I had a teatime over Skype with K. Something in terms of productivity I was talking about with Alex is experimenting with doing my work at specific hours every day (and I think morning would be great so I could feel like I have the rest of the day to be free to do other things, including have the energy to look for more work and other kinds of work). I'm going to try this starting tomorrow morning for a couple of hours 8-11am; the reason for this is because I am not attached to a particular regular work schedule and I have to come up with it every day is I feel like I spent more mental energy in planning when I'm going to work than I need to be for just doing a few hours every day. I'm quite excited to do more experimenting with cooking eggs in sauces. The way I've been making this shakshouka is cooking a lot of vegetables first in a bit of coconut oil (this time around I used onion, beets & beetgreens, curly kale, broccoli, various mushrooms but anything goes! When the veggies are done sauteeing I add tomato sauce of some kind: the first time I used a tomato sauce with Italian spices meant for pasta, while today I used plain tomato sauce and added cumin, turmeric, and cayenne pepper, which I at least imagine is a bit closer to shakshouka's Middle Eastern \ North African incarnations (though I don't know really, I just heard cumin is traditionally used in it in Tunisia and Morocco). When the sauce comes to a light boil over medium heat I make little individual nest holes for a couple of eggs in the pan and cover it for a few minutes to help cook the top of the eggs by the steam; today the yolks came out deliciously creamy when they were done poaching in the tomato sauce. I really like this as a new breakfast item for me because I love eggs and I love cooking them in various ways, while poaching them in tomato sauce was something I had never even heard about or previously considered before last week! And I love the fact that it's a great way to eat a bunch of veggies while it's still a single dish. Anyway, it's been making me really curious to try poaching eggs in various sauces...I know my grandmother used to poach eggs in a dill sauce as a traditional Romanian dish but I hated that sauce as a kid so I probably never tried it, now it sounds delicious to my adult taste buds : ) Another thing I LOOVE and is just the best comfort food for me to eat is palak paneer (a pretty simple spinach and tomato curry-ish dish with cubes of simple paneer cheese) when I go to Indian \ Pakistani naan & curry restaurants; I also tried making it at home once some years ago with handmade cheese and everything and it came out quite good, so I got the idea of trying to make something like...palak palouka...basically shakshouka with a creamed spinach sauce instead of the tomato sauce. The possibilities are endless and so, so delicious : )

Day 41 Well today was my first day back at home after being out of town for nearly two weeks and I have to say it was difficult. There are a lot of things on my mind I suppose; the hardest one to wrap my mind around is that K and I are "back together," whatever that might mean...she and I have known each other for just about eight years now and have been quite close that whole time; of those two years we were "officially" a couple for about two years, living together or seeing quite a lot of each other. At some point I left because I felt like I needed to work on myself and since then both of us have been in one other relationship. During the last year we've been talking more and more over the phone it seems and things oftentimes seem to flow so naturally with her. Anyway, it felt simple to just be together for the last two weeks, talking, laughing, cooking, hanging out with other folks, it's the part when I start thinking about what it means to be together that becomes difficult; it's like I have a hard time trying not to put a relationship into some sort of box but just let it be. This day I went to the farmer's market after a loong night's sleep tired from the road; I bought vegetables and some eggs and made shakshouka, one of my new favorite dishes that I learned on this trip from K's new housemate. After that though I was wanting to get some work done but just couldn't even get started, I ended up playing chess online for the whole afternoon and evening; meditated before bed. Day 43 Ok so I've been playing a ton of online chess for the last two days and even though I was originally allowing myself to play the occasional chess because I never played more than a few quick games at a time for the last 6 weeks I think I'm going to have to cut this out too for the rest of this detox; this almost felt like a mini relapse, at least because I was just sitting around all day on my computer not able to focus on getting started with anything; I also ate a ton of sugary foods which I've been impressively good at avoiding for the last 6 weeks. So the question is what triggered this escapism whether it was real gaming or not, it doesn't ultimately matter. I think definitely being back in my home environment which I have such strongly negative associations with is the answer, it felt too difficult to actually put effort into things and I went into the instant gratification seeking mode again...even if I didn't play any non-chess games I know from past experiences this could easily turn into that. It's just been really nice constantly being around a good friend while on this trip, having a warm body to sleep next to at nights, being able to share difficult thoughts as they come up and usually end up laughing at them, I guess there were a lot of ways I didn't need to put "effort" into things, whereas being suddenly back in the environment of my parents house, where I have done most of my gaming felt difficult, it made the last two weeks seem like a slightly unreal beautiful pleasant dream. But the reality is that there isn't any point where "things just become easy," there will always continue to be difficult bumpy sections and easeful sections of life...one thought I find helpful is that if I can find the capacity to be positive and productive while in this environment then I can probably do it anywhere, and that it's just an opportunity to work on my shit : ) And a rant about porn and thoughts of a personal nature coming up, so remember the choice to read this or not is yours : ) Another trigger that was definitely a factor in this whole getting down on myself these two days was porn...I guess I've avoided talking about this on this forum for some reason because to be honest I'm pretty offput by a lot of the way some guys on here talk about nofap sometimes so I didn't want to bring it up but I will : ) I definitely have a feeling a disappointment in myself for not feeling able to kick this addiction which maybe right now feels even harder than the no games thing; maybe journaling and being out in the open with it might be helpful, at least this feels like an opportune time. During both of my important relationships in my twenties I was simultaneously looking at porn occasionally while having satisfying sexual partners. I always felt confused with myself for carrying that compulsive "need" and feeling guilty about it; I even talked about it quite a bit with my second partner but still never kicked the habit...except when I was working summer jobs in the mountains without any computer access for four months at a time...I guess that shows me I don't need it to survive ; ) Well where I disagree with the nofap community (and disclaimer: I don't know much of anything about it, but look at the name!) is that I think masturbation is a healthy part of being human and it seems like a healthy way to engage your imagination, nothing wrong with the sexual side of our being in my book...what I have a problem with is finding myself oftentimes replacing my wonderful imagination with the contents of the internet; and just as I don't think computer games are inherently evil, I think the same about porn...life's about whatever floats your boat I suppose and all that, so what ultimately bothers me about it is feeling a lack of self-control when it comes to it I guess. I don't like the idea that I don't have a choice in the matter which is what it feels like sometimes...and I find myself worrying about how porn has affected my sexual experiences: is what I want what I authentically want or just a bunch of suggestions I've subconsciously picked up from the internet? I guess I enjoy living life creatively in all its aspects and sometimes it feels like my sexual fantasies have become a little too similar to everyone else's google searches : ) when I'm having sex I'd like to be turned on by what's actually happening and not thinking about some video I've watched, which I know has happened in the past, ugh!! Anyway, a good part of this 90 day detox is that honestly I felt very little desire to be looking at porn during it so it has in a way been a little bit of a detox from that too even if not complete...I guess it makes sense that when you are stuck in a cycle of instant gratification seeking it's easy to go from one behavior from another, and when you're trying to resist one of these behaviors it's good practice for resisting another (or maybe recreate is a better word than resist, one thing I'm trying to achieve is get to a point where I feel like I've reformed my thought habits, and not feel like I'm stuck in a constant place of resisting something). Well, good news is that I guess I must not be as completely ruined sexually by porn as I sometimes tell myself I must be...it was really nice being together with K in that way after some years apart and we both just felt really comfortable and natural around each other, if anything bolder than we had been before. I think I told myself it would be nice to not be looking at porn now that we are "together" but of course as soon as I got back home I was having sex withdrawal or something and I did...so um yeah, I guess that was part of the reason I went into instant gratification seeking mode. Grateful for: - a nice yin yoga session tonight, really helped clear my head - candlelight - shakshouka, reamed spinach - life, seriously just what is going on? : ) just a bunch of molecules looking at other molecules and laughing, how strange... - having this forum to motivate me to journal!

Day 38 Well I haven't written here in well over a week, mostly due to being at a 3 day wedding last weekend and having poor Internet where I am staying otherwise; it's also been really nice just reconnecting with my friend K and meeting other folks in her life \ neighborhood and seeing a lot of old friends and awesome people at the wedding; the wedding was so beautiful and dreamlike, full of genuine emotion, two good women friends of mine that I've known for 7ish years got married. I'd really like to journal extensively about this past week and a half because so much has been going on internally but I may do that on paper for myself. I've prolonged my stay in the Bay for a couple more days because my mom came up here to visit my sister so I will head back to Southern California with her and also get a chance to visit my sister on the way down for a night. Some of my highlights from the past 10 days are: - a song \ poem \ rap kind of thing written and performed by one of the brides during the ceremony that brought me to tears, she is an amazing musician; I think I've cried literally every time I've heard her perform! Also just being at this wedding in general felt like a huge gift. - inner tubing down a lush small river with K and another friend's family and eating blackberries along the way - so much cuddling and deep laughter - some amazing hikes in the Marin Headlands - hanging out a couple of times with a really fun 10 year old in K's neighborhood, great fun

Glad to hear you are doing well!

How could "being yourself" be anything else other than choosing the path that gives you the greatest self satisfaction and joy and sense of self discovery? My thought is that being yourself is by its very nature something that should not be confused with identifying yourself with a particular story you have about your past actions and the amount of self esteem and confidence you derive from that, which is something completely different. Something to ponder perhaps. I think the first is inherently something that feels freeing and the latter likely constricting and limiting. I think I associate "being yourself" with being in touch with your own sense of inner self worth, feeling a part of the flow of life, and open to learning new things and new ways of being in such a way that you feel limitless.

Day 29 Well, that's an interesting point and I thought a bit about it today; I think when I am doing rather quick journals, which I have been lately, I tend to focus on the positives that have happened during the day; I notice that when I'm writing about something difficult I will usually write rather longer entries and try to actively think about what's going on in my head underneath the surface and unpack it a bit. I guess for now it just feels good spending less time on the computer and I can't say I've been doing much serious unpacking by journaling; Also, I guess there is a lot of stuff that goes through my head during a day and while I feel like things are going generally and I'm happy with what I'm doing I definitely feel like I find myself not being fully "present" with things sometimes and like there are a lot of heavy emotions I'm still carrying that I haven't discharged around regretting time I've spent on games and what have you; and there's a lot of darkness beneath the surface : ) I think it feels as though there are so many great things happening in my life and yet I feel I could be much happier and then I get into a cycle of being hard on myself for not being happier which is quite silly :P, as well as still lacking a lot of confidence in my interactions with people who aren't close friends. Uh anyway yeah lotsa stuff to unpack...have a good one and thanks for reading!

Day 28 Early megabus ride to SF until the early afternoon and been hanging out with my friend K at her beautiful home in Marin; we spent the day chatting and cooking some delicious eggplant curry and making a big batch of homemade bagels. Good times Feels good to be 4 weeks into this detox so far!

I think it's great that you were aware of this potential trigger that is happening soon and took action by deciding to reach out for help. I agree with Cam that journaling would be great, maybe on the topic of why you decided to stop playing WoW and the ways in which that is benefiting you to help keep your motivation strong. You could also journal about what you would get out of playing this new expansion and what you would also lose, it might feel good to get put all those thoughts and feelings on paper.

Hi, I'm wondering if folks in Southern California might want to have another meetup sometime soon. It's been a while since the last one and there was a good turnout with a lot of great people, and it'd be awesome to see some new faces too. Maybe mid-September in around two weeks? Just throwing this out there to see if there is any interest! @kortheo,@Laney, @Cam Adair

I've liked the idea of this section of the forums for a while and have never posted anything so here's a wood carving I worked on recently It's in basswood on a piece about a foot in length.