Alejandro

Day 36: Went to hot yoga for the first time in a few years. I was reminded of how beneficial it is, and the euphoric feeling after a class. I was definitely rusty but I am keen on improving ! Did some Uber Eats x2 Thankful for: Hot yoga

This is more so toying with a thought than asking a question but here it is: Last night I had 2 very contrasting dreams. One was totally unrelated to gaming, but the second one was about me relapsing. In the dream I woke up early on a Saturday and rushed downstairs to my computer to start playing TFT(The game I was struggling the most with before I quit) . I played for what seemed like a few hours all the while knowing in my head that I was in the midst of a relapse. This did not stop me, but once I finally decided to take a break, I felt my world crashing down on me. It felt like the world was ending and all my hard work had gone down the drain. I was ashamed and felt like human garbage. It was like I was unable to control myself moments before the relapse and only really felt the devastation when it was too late. I'm aware it was a dream and that they don't always make the most sense, but I'm pretty sure I've had similar dreams to this one since I've started my journey. It's obvious that relapsing crosses my mind, but the funny thing is that my daily cravings are very minimal, if any at all. I feel totally in control of my actions in my day to day life, but having this dream where I was powerless over relapsing was a bit scary to be honest. It went against everything I've been feeling for over a month now. Perhaps my brain was just playing through the worst case scenario, or I have so much logged gaming over the course of my life that I can't really escape gaming-related thoughts, especially when asleep haha! Does anyone have any similar experiences and/or advice on the matter?

Day 35: Uber Eats Did my physio exercises + a mini workout Uber Eats Treated myself to some sushi and watched a few youtube videos in the evening Thankful for: sushi

Day 34: Went to the gym upon waking up Did some Uber Eats Watched a few shows Did some more Uber Eats Watched a few more shows Thankful for: My hair (sorry baldies)

Day 33: Went to physio appointment Did some Uber Eats deliveries Cleaned my room Did some laundry Read my book Did more Uber Eats Watched a few videos and hit the sack Thankful for: [repeat] my father

Day 32: A lazy, restful (I suppose) day. I came to grips with the fact that the 3 dates I went on with said female would not progress to anything further. I was definitely more keen than she was to keep seeing each other so there was a bit of a sting! I tell myself time and time again that I will avoid this pattern, however it seems to find me eventually. The first part of my day today wasn't the most productive and I was quite honestly ruminative and mopey. I was, however, able to shake this about halfway through the day with some insightful videos. They sparked my thinking to shift a bit, and I then proceeded with a home workout. The weather was too choppy(very snowy and my winter tires aren't on yet) today to deliver Uber Eats so I spent the whole day in the house. A ton of thinking was done - some positive, some negative, but this is the ebb and flow for me. It was just more accented today. Looking forward to tomorrow ! Thankful for: Physiotherapy Alex

Day 31: Got my car detailed Caught up on some journaling Did some painting for my parents Did my physio exercises Went on a third date with a girl - we ended up doing an escape room. I had never tried one before and it was quite fun ! Thankful for: Warm beverages

Day 30: WOW! 30 DAYS! THIS THING IS SO HEAVY! THERE'S SO MANY PEOPLE TO THANK AND I DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING DOWN! Wow. Where did the time go? It feels like just yesterday it was day 1 and I was looking up at my ceiling pondering my near future. I'm going to switch up the style of my journal today. Here are my accomplishments/takeaways from just 1 month into this journey: Firstly, I cut out a few things / detached myself from a few things at the start of my journey that have definitely eased the process : Coffee - I was abusing coffee and had been for a while. It wasn't as bad as it could have been (I was drinking approx. 3 very strong large cups a day, sometimes drinking it in the evenings for the sole purpose of staying up late to either game or watch gaming related content) so I quit cold turkey. I actually quit coffee 3-4 days before I stopped gaming, but they have coincided very nicely. I deleted all of my social media apps - Far too often I was glancing at notifications on my phone that were simply bullshit. I would glance at a snap or a message from a group chat and then just put my phone down. The thing was, these messages and snapchats were doing NOTHING FOR ME. I had no emotional attachment to them. They were coming from friends that 99% of the time were saying/posting things that were meaningless. I was being notified of things that were of no note. This leads me into my next point... I stopped communicating with/seeing negative people in my life - Most of my connections are friends I game with - so once my gaming stopped, I had no communication with a lot of them. A handful of them were negative people, and they possessed qualities that I detested. But since there is comfort in familiarity, regardless of how painful that familiarity is, I had these gaming friends in my life for years on end. Now that I've stopped gaming, I feel free from their clutches, so to speak. I am now very selective about who I spend my time with. I am an introvert by nature so I tend to be very greedy with my time, but without gaming I now have no excuse for being among negative Nancies. Staying up late - I was staying up until 3, 4, 5, sometimes 6 in the morning with my gaming-related endeavors. This led to sleeping in until usually ~noon. Now I go to bed around 12 or 1, and wake up at around 8. I find it so much easier to sleep/wake up without the stimulation duo of gaming/coffee. It feels a lot more natural this way and I'm actually able to get shit done during the day. As for my accomplishments, here are a few things I've been able to achieve over my 30 days: Fixing up my car - I was putting this off all summer long so I finally did it. I poured a good amount of money into it to do so, but I now use it to deliver Uber Eats and make money off it that way. A better eating pattern - I now eat a proper amount of food and in healthy increments. When I was gaming, I would go hours and hours without a meal, and eventually at the end of the night just order food. This led to over indulging at the end of the night (this also probably was a factor in hurting my sleep) and then rinsing and repeating this cycle. I'm taking better care of my body (physically) - I am working out in a more measured manner, and am attending physiotherapy sessions for my injured shoulder. I also am stretching more and am running again. I'm not where I want to be in terms of physical health (I also have a bad quad and a bad ankle) but I'm devoting this time to nurse these injuries properly. I want to I live a life where these injuries do not hold me back from exercising, as exercise is one of my true loves ! I am a cleaner person - I clean up after myself, I do laundry when I need to, my room is tidy, and I am a lot more organized. When I was gaming, I would brush a lot of these things off until half my bedroom floor was littered with clothes, and my gaming station would have a buildup of 1 week's worth of dirty dishes on it. I bought a hot yoga pass - I am keen on getting back into hot yoga, however COVID has made it very challenging with limited class sizes, having to book sessions, etc. I'm booked to go on Monday and hopefully I'm able to get in semi regularly ! I loved it when I did it before and I want to rekindle this love ! I read books again - I am reading books again ! I don't NEED to be stimulated from gaming all day, so simpler, more thoughtful activities like reading are actually very enjoyable. Currently reading the Hobbit, and I just purchased 'Beyond Band of Brothers' a memoir by major Dick Winters. I connect deeper with people - Without having the nagging urge to go and game, and the skeleton in my closet of having such an addiction, I've found that conversations and interactions are a lot more pure and genuine. I've been going on dates - This is something I haven't done in ages. It not only is a good challenge for myself, but it is something that I actually enjoy. I want to be done with the hookup culture I've engaged in in the past and am now wanting to experience something more meaningful. That being said, I am going on date #3 tonight (saturday) with a girl I've enjoyed getting to know. Getting this far in the dating realm is foreign territory to me but I am having fun with it and am remaining curious. Sorry for the long post, and I'm sure I'm leaving out a few points, but thank you to all that have been with me thus far. I will keep on keeping on and I hope you all are being kind to yourself, and are enjoying your own journeys. Today I'm thankful for: Chillstep music Alex

Day 29: Caught up on some journaling Moved a few more things Did some Uber Eats deliveries Went to the gym... New COVID restrictions are annoying AF... basically half the space / machines have been shut down, making it very hard to use what you want and navigate through your workout smoothly. Did my physio exercises Did more Uber Eats deliveries Watched a few shows + finished my journal Thankful for: Trance music

That's pretty neat. The trombone ! Cool instrument. No I don't play anything, but I've been curious about learning how to produce my own music - perhaps a future hobby of mine! Break a leg for your performance!

Welcome, sir ! I wish you the best on your journey. You are more than capable, and you are in good hands. What are you performing tomorrow by the way? Do you play an instrument?

Day 28: [Happy 4 weeks, me!] Caught up on some journaling Moved a few more things Did some Uber Eats deliveries... The app ended up not working for a few hours which was a bit of a stressor / inconvenience but eventually got sorted. Watched a few shows Did a workout Did some more Uber Eats deliveries Ate + watched a few videos before bed Thankful for: My friend Martin

Day 27: Caught up on some journaling Met with my dad for lunch Watched a few shows Went on date #2 with a girl. So far, so good. To anyone reading - I am open to third date suggestions ! Did some Uber Eats deliveries A few youtube videos to wind down in the PM Thankful for: My mom and stepdad Alex

Day 26: Went to the Gym Caught up on some journaling Did some Uber Eats deliveries Helped move some furniture out of my basement Drove my stepdad to/from the mechanic Did Uber Eats in the evening Thankful for: PIZZA

Day 25: Slept in for the first time in a long time! Felt great Watched the rest of the Masters (Dustin Johnson put on a clinic - he is so unwavering and dominant when he is in his peak form) Caught up on some journaling Did some laundry Did my physio exercises Did a bit of cleaning Worked out in my basement since the gym was booked Delivered Uber Eats for a 3-4 hours Watched some youtube and hit the sack Thankful for: My new shoes

Day 24: Did a crossword Did some laundry Caught up on some journaling Did some Uber Eats deliveries Ate dinner and watched some golf Did some more Uber Eats deliveries Came home and watched a few Youtube videos and went to bed Thankful for: My eyesight

Day 23: Did a crossword Watched some golf Did some Uber Eats deliveries Did my physio exercises Went on a DATE! We went for a run as we are both fit, active people. It went quite well. We verbally agreed on a second date so we'll see what happens. I'm pleased with myself for going on a date - something I haven't done in a long time. Regardless of what happens with this female, it was reassuring to me that I can still carry myself and navigate situations like these. Did some more Uber Eats deliveries Came home and wound down with a few youtube videos Thankful for: Clean water

Day 22: Went to the government office to update some documentation on my car as well as pick up new license plates Submitted some online documents for a possible future work venture Caught up on some journaling Watched some golf (it's day 1 of the Masters - the biggest golf tourney of the year. Very exciting. For real.) Worked out in my basement because the gym was booked full today Watched a talkshow I enjoy Thankful for: my car Alex

Day 21: Happy 3 weeks, me! Did a crossword, did some laundry, cleaned my car (prep for getting it detailed next week) , caught up on some journaling, went to the store, rolled some old coins I had accumulated over the past few years... I ended up having ~$45 worth so that's pretty sweet. I played a few card games after dinner with my folks, then watched some Trailer Park Boys. Thankful for: Comfy clothes

Day 20: Picked up my Safety Standards Certificate for my car which feels good to get done. ( this had been a lengthy process of getting multiple repairs done ) Did some groceries Walked to the gym for my workout Watched some netflix in the evening + went to bed early Thankful for: music Alex

Day 19: Went to a physio appointment, walked to the bank to deposit a cheque, did a crossword, went for a run with my dad and then had a good chat, watched some self improvement videos which inspired me to learn some form of combat. Thankful for: my cousins Alex

Day 18: Did a crossword, caught up on some journaling, went for a walk, did some laundry, read my book, played a few card games, then hung out with my brother in the evening and watched some LOST. Thankful for: the last 3-4 days of nice weather we've been blessed with. (we've had an average temperature of 20 degrees Celsius for the past few days. I live in Canada and this is unheard of at this time of year) Alex

Day 17: Caught up on some journaling upon waking up, and booked myself a yoga class for a few weeks from now. The yoga studio has had to drastically reduce its class sizes because of COVID and you must pre-register for classes so a lot of the time classes are booked full, and it's very hard to get in for a class when you want. I went for 2 nice walks - we have had quite a nice little spurt of warm weather over the past few days. That being said, I went to the schoolyard where I had been working out this past spring/summer during COVID when gyms were closed. I did a mini workout and was overtook with sadness and nostalgia. I realized it was likely my last outdoor workout there for the season and it was tough letting that go, because this schoolyard was my happy place for many months. I was very disciplined and there was great satisfaction in being still driven to keep fit whilst gyms were closed. Some negative emotion was present because I can be quite obsessive about my physique and it's tough for me to accept the bulking phase which I'm embarking on, when I was just in the best shape of my life some months ago. That being said, I know I will rise again, come summer 2021 and who knows - maybe even improve upon my 2020 physique ! My brother came into town yesterday as well and we got to catch up, as well as watch a few episodes of LOST, one of our old favourite shows. (we just finished S3) I'm thankful for: my bed

Very thoughtful entry and a great list. You have a solid foundation for this journey and know what needs to be done. You've got this, friend!

Welcome sir. Enjoy the journey !