NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
codepants
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Posts posted by codepants
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18 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:
Your desires exist and shitting on yourself won't make them go away. All humans and animals have desires but mature humans choose whether to act on those desires or chose to not act on them.
I don't think acknowledging that human desires are made up is the same as shitting on them. Have some nuance.
18 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:Whatever. Focus on reality around you happening right now. Not sci-fi future trillions of years later. You are alive and it is your duty to live.
The sun exploding isn't sci-fi and it will only take about 9-10 billion years. By attacking me, you are minimizing my emotions, and missing the opportunity to understand and empathize with me.
I choose what my duty is.
Focusing on the now is a fair point, as the ability to be present correlates with happiness and a sense of purpose. However, ignoring the past and the future and that they weigh on the human conscious is going to cause a lot of people to ignore you, because the past and the future do have an impact on our well-beings, too.
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Told roommate (ex) I didn't want her to apologize to me any more. She was worried I was doing a therapist thing; I told her I wasn't, because I'm not. I'm sick of her apologizing for things she hasn't done wrong. It just makes her emotions my responsibility. She said it made her uncomfortable; I hope she can manage, because it's really, really been getting to me. #puttingmyselffirst
Is it still only 3 months until I can move out? I guess we can break the lease for $1150 between the two of us. That's not bad, if we really do drive each other crazy.
Did I mention that I designed and ordered a 3D printed bike part? It's just the prototype; next, I order the steel version, and actually put it on my bike... 😀😀😀😀
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22 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:
Life is meant to be enjoyed and to be spent working on what you want to do/make (personal human desires) and to fulfill your destiny that was given to you by God (which you can find out through prayer and meditation).
Right, but aren't personal human desires just made up? If in the end the sun explodes..
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Still just chugging along. Roommate (ex)'s negativity is really getting to me. Just three months...
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My habit tracker is horrendous. I won't get into details but... yeah, I didn't realize "letting myself game" would have this much of an effect. Lesson learned...
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6 hours ago, Bugg said:
I think that a lot too, but then I tell myself ‘life is what you make it’.
I guess I know that’s not always the case, some of us are just dealt bad cards in life, but a lot of the time there are ways we can make things better, we just choose not to, or sometimes don’t have the confidence to, or the belief in ourselves. Dunno what I’m trying to say, lol. Maybe there is more to life if you make it so?Could be. It's interesting you say about bad cards, as often people who have a struggle feel as if they have more purpose. That is not to shit on my privilege, but I wonder if I wasn't a white, cis, middle-class male, if I would be more engaged/productive/purposeful. Maybe we do have to make it so. "The grass is greener if you water it," I read somewhere. I just don't know how.
Maybe it's not flooding myself with dopamine playing video games so the small things seem purposeful. Hedonic adaptation. And I've said this all before... ugh.
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Well, that was a bad idea. Up till 11 on Thursday and 12 last night on a new game. Caught it today, haven't played yet today.
Perhaps unironically I accidentally typed the password I use for the game I've been most addicted to as my password to log in to gamequitters. Also caught that before hitting enter...
Le sigh. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Or if I'm doing something wrong. I'm just tired. Not physically. Yes physically, but... I'm tired of feeling trapped in a cycle. I know video games are a symptom of the cycle.
If I was at my mom's for Christmas this year I would have been up till 11 on Thursday and 12 last night reading.
Anyway, today has been productive. Cleaning, chores, worked out, halfway done with documentation, about to go run an errand...
is this all there is to life? You just go until you can't anymore?
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Relapsed again. Holidays!
I mean, I live with my ex and have nothing to do. (compared to the amount of free time I have)
I think I'll give myself a pass until 1/2. Not free reign to binge, just... a pass.
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Yep, it was a UTI. Weird. I haven't even had sex in a while. Whatever, antibiotics aren't a big deal.
NP was wondering aloud if I had diabetes because of my insane bouts of water consumption I get every 6 months or so. Honestly I was relieved I might have an answer, diabetes would explain away so many things and insulin isn't the easiest fix, but it is a fix. For better or worse, anyway, they ran an A1C and it's not diabetes. Also, she was cute and I was having trouble figuring out if she was flirting with me, and I might have accidentally flirted with her, so... nice to be back in the game, even if it's in unethical, unlikely ways.
Acupuncture today was good.
Just an average day otherwise. Keepin' on keepin' on. Made it through my crazy week of intakes. And now... to document.
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When I move I am going to move somewhere that allows dogs. I'm not ready for a dog yet but I've wanted one for a long time. I may also get a cat as they are easier to care for. Time will tell.
I haven't actually picked up any new hobbies, unless you count making liver pills as a hobby. I have had a lot of hobbies throughout my life though so it's hard for things to be "new." Since my first post I did buy a punching bag, I have set up my bicycle trainer, and am playing ukulele more and trying to meditate (mindfulness) regularly. Only the punching bag is "new" and I have taken martial arts in the past; it's really a substitute for the classes I can't attend right now because of COVID. I guess studying for my exam is also new.
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What's happening with sleep? Is it that you're doing things until that time or that you're in bed but can't fall asleep?
If you were my client, I would ask you: What's the advantage of being up late? You keep saying sleep is an issue, but you are also consistently up late. There must be some advantage, some reason to do it?
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1 minute ago, Lampshade said:
Big life changes. The feeling of freedom though, that's got to be a hopeful one.
Indeed. Thanks for being here for it.
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Not much to update today. We're still civil, even kind to each other, which is great. I had the inkling this morning that she might want to get back together, nothing she said explicitly, just a feeling. I don't. I'm set. I should probably write down all the reasons I was unhappy though, because I have a tendency to see my past relationships through rosy-eyed lenses at time.
Intake today which went well. Two late cancels yesterday, one I am considering terminating as 3 of their last 5 have been late cancels or last-minute reschedules. Also another intake later today, and I had one yesterday... so my Christmas present to myself will be getting caught up.
Doctor's appointment tomorrow for what appears to be a UTI... I have no idea how that happened, they don't usually happen to men... but here we are.
I'm grateful for feeling alive, and only a little depressed.
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Ya'll... I'm really going to miss the cat.
(it's hers)
Did all my habits yesterday. That's 3 of the past 5 days.
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Like most other things in life, it's subjective—we can't decide for you.
Some questions to get you thinking, though:
- Do you often play more than you intended to?
- Have you been able to not play when you said you would?
- How much time are you spending gaming? 2 hours a day? 4? 8?
- Do you crave gaming?
- You mentioned thinking about gaming and night and watching videos. Are the thoughts and video-watching more like the involvement you'd have in a sport (an interest), or more like the involvement you'd have with a drug (an impulsion)?
- Has gaming caused you to fail to fulfill major obligations at work, school, or home?
- Have you used it even when you knew you were supposed to be doing something else?
- Have you given up other activities (ex. sports, time with friends) so you could game?
- Has anyone in your life expressed concern to you about how much you game or suggested that you cut back?
- Do you need to play more to get the same feeling?
- Are you irritable when you don't play?
Keep us posted. Good luck!
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The break-up has caused me to think more about how I treat and view women... it's something I think about a lot, but I wonder if part of the reason I was with this person was partly because I objectified her. I think for both of us the relationship was at least partly about being in a relationship and not really about being with each other, if that makes sense. We were both single and looking and it was like... why not? Sometimes those relationships happen to work out but I think more often than not, at some point you realize being in a relationship is less important than being with the right person.
Anyway, I've been thinking about the ways in which I objectify women and how to reduce them and I'm considering stopping watching porn. I notice that the more I watch porn the more likely I am to objectify the women in my life. To be clear I am not shaming anyone who does watch porn and as long as objectification is mutually consensual (which 99.9% of the time it probably is not, but a woman could answer that better) it can be fun, but this break-up made it clear that objectification does impact my life in negative ways. I'm also thinking about some people I work with who when I'm in the room with them, I feel like I have to avoid/shut down objectifying thoughts. Those thoughts are natural to an extent but I'm thinking one a day, not one an hour, not even one every time I meet with someone. And maybe it's possible to have a mental boundary between women in porn and women in "real life," but even if it is, apparently I'm not doing it right.
So I guess today is day 1 of no porn?
Also, today is day 6 of attempt #3 at quitting video games. There's still a part of me that's not taking it seriously. I have been at least a little inspired by seeing a few of you reach 90 days, so thank you for that inspiration. I don't know what I'm going to do differently this time. Maybe not being in an unhealthy relationship will be enough. Maybe I can exercise more; I have the bicycle trainer set up (well, almost. I have the trainer wheel in the bike and the trainer out from storage. I'm not sure I can have it set up permanently, we don't have that much space).
I think it's okay not to have a specific plan right now, but I know that day 30 is my weak point; that's where I've failed the past two times. So maybe by day 20 I should have a more specific plan.
Also, I have been able to down the liver pills I made. Just for giggles I also tried the commercial ones and yea, if I have just one the side effects are minimal. Maybe it was a detox reaction from taking the full dose off the bat. So, one pill, twice a day for now, and we'll see if any magic happens... (side note: the commercial pills are $36 for 30 days. The DIY ones were $4 and I'm guessing they will also last 30 days. So if I stick with this, I'll have to decide... $4 and the smell and labor of preparing liver for an hour a month, or $36 and no smell or labor?).
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15 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:
The hardest part of maintaining an online accountability journal is deciding what to post and what is private. What should be shared? What should be kept secret?
IMO everybody needs somewhere they can talk about anything. Could be the internet, a best friend, a therapist. Last resort, a journal—but I think really what we need is to be freed from shame, and journaling can't really do that (there are numerous other advantages to journaling, of course).
For my part I invite you to share whatever you like. We're all here because we're struggling with something. I've seen people post about sex, masturbation, alcoholism, ... that is not to say it's easy, or not embarrassing at first. Of course I also hope you will set whatever boundaries seem right to you. In general though, my opinion is that people are better when we can nonjudgmentally share how we feel, and that keeping it in tends to create stigma and perpetuate shame.
💛
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Nice.
Honestly, she's pretty passive/submissive/generous to the point of being self-deprecating and gloomy which was obnoxious when we were dating, but might be a good quality in a roommate? She's not really the revenge type, I'm pretty sure she's friends with all her exes. I expect we'll make a rule about not inviting dates over.
We lose our deposit if we vacate between November 1st and March 31st. I have no idea why it's like that but we just have to make it to April 1, basically. *knock, knock...*
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Well, I broke up with lady friend.
I'd like to say it was a long time coming but... I did want it to work out. I wanted to build something with her. I wanted to point to a relationship and say, "I stuck it out. We worked it out. Things got better." I won't say I wanted a happily ever after, because I don't believe those are real, but... I wanted a secure attachment. I wanted this relationship to be different.
And now I'm living with my ex during a pandemic. Fml.
I mean, I think we can be civil. I know I can be. I think she can be. She has lived with an ex before. I like living here.
I'm grateful for my friends that have supported me through this and have continued to be supportive. I texted a few people right away and my bestie called literally within seconds. And made me smile.
There's a part of me that feels like I should be crying but... I'm not that sad. Maybe I'm not sad because I don't think I'm losing something, because you can't lose something you didn't have. Mostly I feel lighter. There's some residual heaviness, like breaking through a wall and needing to clean up the broken bits, but... mostly it feels like I've broken through.
I'm tempted to put a platitude here but I hate platitudes. I don't know what happens next. And that's terrifying but also kind of exciting. I get to be me again. I'm free.
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18 hours ago, Commissar said:
I've been doing my best lobster impersonation with all the heat around here, so I'm very envious.
Haha, I wear lobster gloves on my bike ride to work, so we are both lobstering on different ends of the thermometer.
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Thanks @Jason70. Today was better. Yesterday she had the idea to designate a conch. Today I came home and was lying on the couch and she went and got a scrunchie and put it around my wrist. And just listened and was quiet while I talked, or even when I didn't talk. It was nice. At least she is trying.
Today was pretty good. It was, I imagine, what will become an average day when I have enough clients to consider myself full-time. That will be 6 or so scheduled a day, which was how many I had scheduled today. One cancelled, and between them all I was doing paperwork and phone calls and letter sending and documentation. Just the right amount of stress and flow.
Took my first DIY liver pills tonight. I finished them yesterday so I could have started this morning but I didn't want to in case I had adverse effects while with clients. Time will tell if liver is actually the superfood everyone seems to think it is. The most common thread I've found is a boost in energy. That sure would be nice...
I could theoretically do all my habits today if I did them from here until bed and nothing else. I think I want to get a card game in with a friend (via Tabletop Simulator, which I don't count as playing video games). We shall see.
So many projects on my to-do list... and an intake to document. Just keepin' on keepin' on. Or, trying to.
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Not quite as fortuitous a day but that's my fault of course. I did do more than half the things so that's pretty good and better than the past few weeks.
Couples therapy did not go okay today. I tried to share how I felt and lady friend usurped the space. Like always. She did stop herself though. I know she's trying, I just don't know how long to wait.
I had picked up a pound of liver from a local butchery yesterday and prepped it today. God that stuff smells. I'm significantly less excited to try eating it. But if it magically makes me have more energy that would be awesome. I am going to wait until Saturday in case there are any adverse effects. Don't want to have food poisoning tomorrow. 6 clients.
I have been doing research on the side effects of the capsules I bought and I wonder if it's a detox reaction. If so, I might be able to take the pills, just starting small...
Onward.
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49 minutes ago, Bird By Bird said:
I think this happens because our idea flow is suppressed during the day by either working, studying, or consuming entertainment. Things are quieter at night, less action happens, and the mind is given permission to explore and think.
Okay, but why doesn't this happen to everyone? Why is it more common in people with mental disorders (including addiction)?
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40 minutes ago, Bird By Bird said:
Sometimes the body deliberately gets injured because it wants you to take a break and it sends you these dreams like a union protest before the general strike. It's also possible that there's an elephant in the room you've been ignoring IRL that really is blocking you from moving forward.
Hm. So you're suggesting it's not that I should be able to move, but can't; but, that I should stop trying to move? Or that I'm moving too fast?
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I wanted to double post today to celebrate having done all my habits today! Excluding studying for my exam (which I just added last week), the last time I did everything was November 10th, more than a month ago.
It is worth noting that I also removed some things last week, but that's okay... I was overwhelmed.
Did mindfulness and uke before work, riding to work counts as exercise, listening to exam review while riding counts as studying, I got greens powder which I put in my dinner smoothie so that's eating leafy greens, I've journaled, and I will go read right after this!
Lots of "so that counts as..." I'm here for it.
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My experience with Adderall is that I feel sort of like a cognitive superhero. I can take all the anxiety and depression and organize it in to nice drawers and tackle in an orderly fashion. It's like... can't stop won't stop. Maybe you'll have a different experience.
There are a whole bunch of meds for ADHD. The vast majority focus on motivation by making us motivated to do things we wouldn't otherwise want to do. I guess it could motivate you to do nothing, but... intuitively that seems incorrect? I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist.
My intuition is that mindfulness/meditation is more strongly indicated for the goal of "do nothing" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oF0qaDDMQI). But we're all in this together... keep us posted on your experiences! For science!
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So I just wrote in Lampshade's journal:
3 minutes ago, codepants said:I moved from my bed to the couch this morning and was like, "YouTube time!" but caught myself and just sat there until I was ready to go into the kitchen and make breakfast. It took a monumental effort to not do anything but sit there until I was motivated enough to go make breakfast.
(this will all come together, promise) I have these dreams where I can't move. Or I can, but it takes monumental effort to move even a tiny bit. Usually in the dream I am in my room as I would be if I was awake, and I want to get up and go about my day. But I can't. I can maybe get one foot to the edge of the bed with 5 minutes of giving it everything I've got. Sometimes I'll cry out for help but it's just a mumble.
I'm not scared, I'm never being threatened or chased, it's just... I want to get on with my life. But in the dream, I can't.
Usually, I realize I'm dreaming, wake myself up... and end up in the same dream again. Rinse and repeat. I have "woken up into another dream" what feels like 30 times before. Realistically probably more like 8 or 10, but... it's almost as annoying as jars or bags that won't open (my pet peeve. Ex. cereal bags. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO OPEN THEM WHY ARE THEY FUCKING WELDED SHUT).
Anyway... on the couch this morning, I felt that. I was trying to motivate myself to get up to make breakfast and it felt like I just couldn't. Even with monumental effort I just moved a little.
I don't know what to make of it, probably something I should ask my therapist about. But it was interesting to have access to that feeling in real life (as opposed to in dream space). And all I had to do was... not watch YouTube.
Maybe that's a feeling I've been avoiding all this time. Maybe it's always been there, underneath... waiting for me.
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8 hours ago, Tabula rasa said:
Hmm I believe I have done that previously. It's not really to do with being unable to fall asleep (I fall asleep in under half an hour almost always and usually less than 15 minutes). It's more to do with getting onto bed before midnight. Sometimes I have additional commitments which to be fair, I can postpone to the next day most of the time but I'm a kind of person that dives into rabbit holes and gets distracted quite easily.
Yea, I feel that. Maybe set a timer? With 15 minutes to "finish up"? Or after each task, check the time and if you don't think you can finish the next before 11, don't start it.
What is it about people like us that we get that productivity itch late at night?
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Codepant's Journal
in Daily Journals
Posted
Today was good. Really great intake this morning. You never know if they'll come back but the one session was definitely worth it. I hope this one does come back, I really enjoyed meeting them.
Ordered a vertical monitor stand to try and combat my neck pain (which I believe is from turning side to side) and also a duplicate of my good monitor, because I want two of the same... (I already had a second monitor which has a pretty big bezel). Didn't realize I didn't have the cable for the second monitor before I got everything else set up so... running with one monitor for now. Cable gets here Sunday.
It's crossed my mind to have only one monitor, but honestly, having two monitors has nothing to do with gaming. When I game(d?), I only used one. It's more for e-mail, work, etc. Having a client on one screen and my notes on another is super useful. I just have to figure if I want the webcam between the monitors or on top of both... decisions, decisions.
Also, made the attached, because I'm a nerd. n, ns, cc, lc, rs = normal (showed up), no-show, cancelled, late cancel, rescheduled.
Next, to calculate how many intakes I need to achieve and maintain benefits, given my never show, no return, no-show rates, and average treatment length. I'm nerdgasming everywhere...