NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Vidar
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Posts posted by Vidar
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I think I am soon reaching my 90day no-gaming period. This is the longest I have been without gaming since I was a teenager.
I feel depressed because no matter how much I try to change myself I keep falling back into my old habits. I dress in a weird way, not my age. I have difficulties keeping myself and my home clean, I behave in a weird way so that people don’t want to be my friends. And I can’t change it! It just feels so hopeless.
what’s the point of spending all this money on therapy when I’m not getting any happier. What is the point of living when you are not happy? When every day is a shitshow.
I started drinking a bit, like a bottle per day just to cope with things. I guess that’s a more grown up addiction at least.
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I have not written in a while. Work and bathroom renovations + flu drained me of energy.
today I went ti see a play in town. Historically watching people perform has triggered intense social phobia. Live acting and performances also trigger my sense of being less worth or not belonging, so I’ve always avoided them.
I really liked it and will do it again. I have also signed up for an improvisation acting class, 15 times, once a week. It’s going to be crazy. It’s also in a foreign language so super difficult. i mean, I can’t even open my mouth properly when I sing...
I have also signed up for a choir, so I will go and see what it is like on Tuesday. Wednesday to Friday I will be business traveling and then the week after I will have some super important deadlines...
my life is just boiling over right now.
on Friday I met a new therapist. She is specialized in sex counseling, not a sex therapist. I wanted to talk to her about all my issues, but she seemed a bit inexperienced. Let’s see how it goes.
edit: in the past weeks when I lost my senses I started fantasizing about gaming again. Then I watched some game trailers and felt that NOPE I’m super done with that crap! Very good Vidar!
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7 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:
Vidar, as someone who suffered from very bad anxiety and then clinical depression over a period of about 4 years, I totally understand where you are coming from. It's very hard being negative all the time. But not just for others, also for you!
Have you done much reading to try and tackle the problem? The most incredible book for me that was a big part of climbing out of my depression was Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns. While the title might sound a little lame and self-help-book-ey (there's loads of them out there), the book is really about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is now considered one of the most successful methods of psychotherapy for treating depressive patients. I can highly recommend it. And if you don't like reading, you can get the audio book on audible, maybe on your smartphone, for relatively little.I did a group therapy program for social phobia which was based on KBT. It was really good for that purpose. Now that I think about it, one of the topics there was how social phobia and anxiety makes us self centered. This makes it harder to focus on the other person, which in turn makes it easy to do mistakes.
I will have a look at the book!thanks for the advice @ElectroNugget
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7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Medication might help. But I think coaching will also help. It's going to take some effort and time to learn when you're stepping too far and learn how to reel it back in a bit. It's only a personality trait if you make it happen. People can become brave after being cowards. Have some faith in yourself.
Something that worked for me was learning new software. I used to talk a lot. I found video instructions and tutorials for software. They'd ramble about topics way too long and it just made me appreciate being concise and to the point. Also just listening to people who are enjoyable and pleasant to be around. Try to learn certain qualities. There's that old phrase where people say never change for others. That's true with certain situations like giving up fun hobbies or food you eat. In other instances it's beneficial to your well being and social impact by having an improved social impact.
I'd try keeping things concise, stay on topic for the activity you're doing, ask more about the other person before talking about yourself, and don't tell people your problems at all until you actually trust them. You got this.
I think I will have to not be negative around other people, or complain about things. It’s classic management tactic to see problems and disasters as challenges. It’s cheesy but it’s true, since it spreads positive energy. I think I have not practiced bringing positivity (cake to colleagues, organized parties, positive conversational subjects, compliments) to social settings. I have tried complimenting people more, but it just does not come naturally for me.
staying on topic is certainly good and also be concise. When I write emails I try to only write a sentence or two, use bullets. Sometimes when talking I can do it for hours.
I also got a tip on reddit I think to ask for permission before talking about heavy stuff with friends. Even for complaining. Not sure how rigid to be about it, but at least for the heaviest traumas it could be an idea.
But there is like everyday overwhelm, where this is applicable, and panic attacks due to crisis. That’s more what I’ve been going through over the weekend.
thanks for the advice @BooksandTrees! -
I talked to my dad about the bathroom and he thought it could use a renovation.
i woke up at 13.00 today but did not feel like I had slept an hour for the whole night. I still feel like shit.
I reached out to some renovation companies to start the process. Problem is it will probably take like 2-3 months and I’m loosing 1000 eur per month due to living double housing. Not sure what I should do. it won’t ruin me financially but it makes me angry.
i have a huge amount of work that needs to be done also.
the good thing I will be busy at least, and I will lots of time to practice on my poor social skills.
I just don’t want to feel this constant anxiety...
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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
This is a huge thing to discuss with your therapist. You don't want to isolate yourself by putting your issues on others. I'm not sure how old you are, but I've learned most of the people you're going to meet will never care about you the way you want. I'm not saying this in a negative way, but a realistic way. People hang out with friends as a form of escape from their own problems most of the time. Other times they just want to have fun.
I've been very transparent in my diary on here. When I'm that transparent with my friends they quiet down and don't invite me to fun things anymore because they think I'm a downer. They also might want to complain about stuff themselves and not have you take up the whole conversation.
Ask your therapist for a suggestion and then practice it. I've found that when I'm losing my mind over stress the best ways for me to properly handle my thoughts are to go for a30 minute walk or 1 hour even. I start to game plan how to handle my issues instead of looking to tell other people. I then become determined to accomplish my goals so I'm not bogged down by them.
I would say you're only going to have roughly 1 to 3 people in your entire life who will want you to share all of your details and want to share their details with you. Everyone else is just to hang out with, socialize, and have a healthy form of escapism that isn't video games or drug and alcohol influenced.
Good luck.
Thanks @BooksandTrees, you are perfectly right. I know I’m not fun to be around. I’m quite pessimistic and negative. People have complained about it my entire life. I’m 35 so that’s a long time.. it feels like a personality trait by now.
I don’t know what to do with the stress and anxiety. I will try to get a doctors appointment tomorrow at work to get some pills, because this is not working. I can’t afford to loose more friends. I’m bankrupt on that front.
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13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Today I'm 64 weeks free from gaming. I'm disappointed today because I spent a lot of time watching porn this week. I had a long week at work. I had lots of doctor appointments and need to have my wisdom teeth removed and two fake teeth put in, one of which needs me to have braces put on my back 4 teeth to make them more vertical. My teeth aren't crooked, but I have a missing tooth and due to the pressure of me chewing my back two teeth have slightly rotated towards the gap since there's no tooth to support it.
All this really means is thousands of dollars being spent and that kind of bothers me because of how expensive my year has already been. I can't get over one hurdle. It's the apartment, then it's the car, then it's my health, then it's some exam, then it's my apartment, then my car, then my health, then some other bull shit. I just want to save my money. This has made me stop visiting my friends or going out for communal activities because I want to save my money. I get so angry staying in the same financial situation every year.
I don't want advice on the money situation since I know how to properly save money. If I didn't, I'd be in debt right now.
If you work overtime you can't charge sick time with it, which is nice so I got to save my 8 hours of sick time for another day later this year. I still managed to get an extra day of pay on top of the sick time saved. So there's a positive. I was thinking if I stay healthy this year I might take some random mental health days to feel better during the week or something if I'm feeling bogged down. I didn't get a chance to do that the past 3 years and it burned me out a bit.
On the good side of things I have been waking up a lot better with my new routine. I want to 3D model and grocery shop today as well.
I’m also planning on some dental work. It’s very expensive though. Not sure if it will be worth it considering wearing retainers for the rest of my life.
money issues are such a drag on everything. It just sucks the joy out of things. I hope you find space to save money in the future.
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On 1/11/2020 at 1:27 AM, ElectroNugget said:
DAY 09-10:
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Overall I think that's really the key here, which I alluded to in my first post... I don't have new hobbies to fill up the time that I once spent on video games. So even though now I have more time, I find myself wasting a lot of it by just increasing my media consumption. The big part of this detox (and, I think, 2020) will be changing that, so I can finally grow into the man I want to be.As a student, doing those volunteer jobs as a habit is a fantastic way to network and build a social life. I did it sporadically but if you do it consistently you will learn lots of life skills!
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On 1/11/2020 at 2:19 AM, ElectroNugget said:
Vidar, that sounds really tough with everyone blocking you! It's just awful that a lot of people would cut you off without saying anything! You say you've broken boundaries with them, I'm not sure entirely what this means, but at least you are aware of your own behavior. That is the first step. Is there no way to reach out to these people and explain/apologize for whatever you believe caused this?
That said, without more information it's hard for me to tell if it's a problem with your behavior or a problem with your family and friends. Try not to beat yourself up too much about this, as it will only worsen the situation. You need to keep trying to love yourself regardless, and keep trying to improve. Maybe if you are honest with your family about your flaws and your struggles right now, that will help them see why you've 'behaved strangely'.
Anyways, best of luck! Keep on trying. Sometimes life can really fall apart, but surviving these moments will transform you and make you stronger.
Thanks for the comment @ElectroNugget! I think if a person feels toxic it is ok to silently block them. Of course it is better to tell the person, but if you don’t feel like being friends anymore it is ok. I did this with a friend of my own after repeated arguments by advice from my therapist.
The problem I think is that I’m being too honest, dumping my problems on them. I wear out friendships quickly.
You are right about the self compassion, I’m slowly getting better at it.
I stabilized a bit yesterday evening. Friday, Saturday I was up at 9/10 in anxiety. Just chaos. Now I’m down to maybe 5/10.
to get better at social skills I signed up on a course in improv theater. 10 times. Let’s see how it goes.
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Still in panic mode 12h later.
I just hate myself for fucking things up so much. My insane lack of social skills and my financial fuckups.
I just want to feel safe.
need to go out and buy a laundry machine. New apartment does not have one.
if I don’t use the shower in the new apartment I can live there safely. I will smell a bit but that’s ok I guess.
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I’m going through a crisis.
For some time now I have noticed that several friends and relatives have been slow to respond to text messages and such. Now I realized they have blocked me. I looked through social media and text message logs. It’s just my messages there and I can’t see their posts on Instagram. Feels really shitty that I can’t maintain relationships or behave since I only have 1 friend left now outside my family and colleagues.I know the reasons also. I’ve not maintained boundaries with them, you know the appropriate social codes. Of course I creep them out.
i also found some issues with the apartment I bought and I could not help myself from sending text messages to the seller and to the broker in the middle of the night on Friday.
Im loosing my mind...
next week I will start family therapy with dad at least and on Friday I will need a sex therapist.
I’ve been leaking emotions and behaved really weirdly the whole autumn. I don’t know what to do...
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I survived the holidays! Now i need more vacation...
I have spent time with all my friends and family. It was a great time. I also spent a lot of time with the children of my sisters and my friends. I’m like the cool uncle with the cool gadgets. I like this role ?
I chatted with a woman on and off over the weekend.
tomorrow I will be off, just washing my clothes and preparing for the move.
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Gratitude journal
i am grateful for my familj and friends of my familj for organizing Christian partiets.
i am grateful for the compliment i got from a younger attractive woman for my sweater.
i am grateful for the reply I got from my tinder dates whisking merry Christmas.
I am grateful for a Christmas greeting I got from a crappy friend I ditched some time ago.One amazing thing that happened/I did today
i got a compliment for my sweater from this friend of the family. She is about 6 years younger and I’ve always had a crush on her.
Workout/run
None too lazy
What I ate
Some yoghurt and musli for breakfast. Porridge for lunch. Candy for afternoon snack. Christmas dinner. Candy and a couple of beers late in the evening. I did not have any drinks while eating, to avoid starting to blabber and leak emotions.
what I will eat tomorrow
Leftovers from today, candy and beer ?
Arts
Took a bunch of pictures of family and friends.
Singing
We sang some Christmas songs. I used the techniques I learned. Not perfectly on tone but smooth pressure and breathing.
social activities
Met with family and friends.
Meditation
maybe creepy but I watched some porn in the afternoon. Wanted to control/own my sexuality in the context of my parents home.
Visualisation
i will meet my friends after Christmas and have a great time!
Daily affirmation
My voice and opinions matter.
Reading + taking notes
Read some chapters in a book called Lust. Its about couples in therapy and about how sex and intimacy and love are separate things. I think I fit the profile that craves closeness and love. But this also kills sexual tension. I will read it and review it more in depth later on.
Getting to bed before 9pm
Nopes
Weekly Goal(s)
Be social and enjoy it on my terms.
Monthly Goal
Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci done)
3 Month Goal
stopped playing video games
finished a course in personal finance
enjoyable Christmas with family
What went well today
i Socialized to the extent I wanted to.
What I could have done to make my day better:
i could have helped out more in the cooking part.
What I will do differently tomorrow:
Work out.
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23 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:
Pay attention to the fact that to some, difficulties of character, mental state are excuses . To others, various difficulties are the drivers and triggers of their success. Henry Ford: “oncoming wind only helps the plane to climb”
I think the word “excuses” is very important here, as it’s a way to escape responsibility. I blame my parents for a lot of things. Though I think I have the right to be angry at them for not raising me well and taking care of their own issues, it’s not their job to fix me as an adult. If you read the above post about Christmas, it’s clear that while they avoided putting expectations and trust as well as wanted me to be an capable adult, I equally avoided to take on those responsibilities on my own.
I have done an enormous amount of harm to myself and I keep doing it. I think the only way of dealing with it is to absorb the responsibility, shame in small bits and keep at it over a longer timeframe. There is just so much of it for one serving.
About the negative thinking.. I think I’ve done it for my whole life as I remember people complaining about my pessimism in early school. I read a bit about it and it is to some degree genetic, to some degree learned behavior. I think I need to somehow package it better, since it’s difficult to completely eradicate personality traits. One component is definitely fear. I was afraid my whole childhood from my mother and bullies in school. So my amygdala has become overactive. One of my therapists said that the only way to retrain it is by breathing excercises (it’s in the reptile brain). So that’s what I will do.
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I payed for the groceries and I cooked dinner!
A bit of background info is needed.
My parents have very strong routines and my dad has always been the one cooking. My sisters socialized early with him and they learned how to cook together. I just hid in my room and played computer games. My parents just let me sit there, there was never any demands on helping out with food, cooking or cleaning. So there I sat until I was 30.
During Christmas it became even more extreme. My dad would cook all the food by himself. My sisters and their husbands would sometimes be asked to cook food, but never me. All the routines were set up by my parents to their comfort. Same thing with groceries. My dad always paid for all the food. I never had any money. Perhaps I would have joined him to the store, where I would walk around while he was shopping. This was in my late 20s btw. I lived like a pet animal.
This made me feel like I was never part of the Christmas celebrations, where my dad would do all those things times ten. He would also clean. My mom took care of the horses (her hobby).
So my dad did not ask for it, but I decided I wanted to cook and I did it. I also payed for the groceries in the store. Seems super stupid probably but it was a big step forward for me in breaking some very dysfunctional family dynamics/patterns.
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My parentes have never had any expectations on me whatsoever. It’s just a void I had to fill. They just talk about themselves. I think a good friend or parent should ask how I’m doing from time to time.
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Second day with family, three days to go.
we went together to a Christmas market. I got my driving license about two years ago. It might have been the first time I have been driving my family around. My dad enjoyed it a lot. When I was unemployed a couple of years in my 20s I lived with my parents on the country side. My dad had to drive me around if I needed to get somewhere. It just killed me. I hated it so much. I hated myself so much. It was so humiliating. At the same time I was trying to take the driving license. I tried 5 times to take the test. I was practice driving for about ten years. Still could not make it. Then when I moved to a small city in the north I managed to take it. I was 34, but still.
My sister has a boyfriend who has a car and she said one of the reasons she fell for him was because he had a car.
They talked about all their adventures they had been to in their car. I felt terrible. Imagine all the things I’ve missed out on, the road trips. The girlfriends, the adventures. The sex, the fun times with friends. My life is a desert.
im so bitter about all these things.
i took some pictures on the market of my family. I had no camera phone in my teenage years, and no camera in my twenties. In other words I have no picture memories of me between 12 and 35. It’s like I have not existed. If we have done things it’s me taking pictures of others. I don’t exist.
I’m detached from my family. It’s like I’m there but I’m not part of what is going on.
Its depressing.
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6 hours ago, Sarma said:
Day 5 - Tired of being shy, psychiatrist diagnosis
First off, I'll start with what happened yesterday
My doctor diagnosed me with psychosis, but it's not what you think.
I don't have all the symptoms.
Currently I only have disorganized thinking.
I'm kind of sad about it, but also relieved.
I finally know what's going on inside my head.
I was prescribed some some medicine, which i need to drink everynight.
Yesterday and today I haven't felt a change taking it. But I hope to see a difference in the near future.
I'm fine with having psychosis. I just fear it won't turn into something worse.
My doctor fears this happening, hence she gave me the medicine.
Did I cause myself this? Was this avoidable? Am i just incapable of growing as a person? Am i just forever stuck in my head?
I simply just don't have an answer anymore.
Fuck man.
Anyways, let's go to the next topic.
I'm trying to grow socially as my main goal.
Although i see slight improvement from time to time, I still don't think im trying enough.
I don't know what's with that. I don' t know how to try?
Everything just seems so draining to focus on and do.
Can I just go one day, and feel like I actually made an improvement on my life.
Aaah, Why am I like this, why is this life thing so hard for me.
Is this just a withdrawal symptom, am i overthinking this?
What do you guys think about this, please let me know your thoughts
As always have a wonderful day!
I have had lots of mental health problems and I also have family members with issues. For me I have adhd and depression and anxiety.
Having this kind of issues all comes down to how you deal with it. You can be Healthy in your disease or you can be unhealthy. If you take your meds and ensure stress levels are even, you will most likely be fine. In cases like psychosis and bipolar it can be a good idea to lock down your finances somehow and always know where the escape route is (like emergency ward). If you loose it, the damage you can do to yourself is limited.
Mental illness is usually not a huge problem in itself. It’s the unpredictability and anger issues that causes people and employers to turn on you.
My path to stop gaming was to build other areas in my life so that I did not need gaming anymore. My therapist even encouraged me to game and watch porn. Because if I stopped playing I would start drinking which is 100 times more destructive. Now for the first time in my life I have not felt the urge to game in about a month ?
be nice to yourself, focus on building healthy habits and the gaming and porn will become less important by themselves. If gaming keeps you from having psychotic episodes, maybe that’s a cheap healthy way to keep it in check? At least while you transition and transform your life
❤️
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First day at my parents place. Four days to go. Feels super awkward around my mom.
Reading a book about becoming a manager. Sounds really shitty tbh. Not sure what to do.
Feel really bitter about my life and my parents place bring up all the shitty memories. My youngest sister is 7 years younger than me and she is more settled then me. I just feel like such a huge freaking looser. All my thoughts are fragmented. I don’t talk to my parents at all. I feel discussing because I channel some sexual energy through my mom. I think the covert incest has been going both ways. I just want it to stop.
I did run/walk 10km today. I need to hit the gym to build more muscle strength. Slept the whole afternoon as I don’t usually move around that long stretches of time.
I think I’m too dysfunctional to function in a relationship. My best bet I think will be to get a dog. It will force me to become more social. But then I also need a car. A King Charles cavalier would be good. They are small, social and silent.
My parents have been asking about my apartment shopping. I told mom I don’t want to talk about it. She accepted that.but I know she is persistent and will ask again until I answer.
just feels like shit, everything
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Gratitude journali am grateful to my sister for being there.
One amazing thing that happened/I did today
I met my sister and we had a long good talk
Workout/run
100 fake pushups
What I ate
Hot Chocolate and sandwich, shrimp sandwich at airport, some bread with cheese and yam. Salmon potatoes and soup. Some Xmas candy.
what I will eat tomorrow
no idea, no control at my parents place, my dad runs the show
Arts
drew some sketches of people in airplane
Singing
some breathing excercises
social activities
dinner with family, talk with sister
Meditation
Breathing excercises
Visualisation
i will have an enjoyable Christmas with family
Daily affirmation
I will heal because I want to heal
Reading + taking notes
none
Getting to bed before 9pm
Nopes
Weekly Goal(s)
Buy a swimming card
Monthly Goal
Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci done)
3 Month Goal
stopped playing video games
finished a course in personal finance
enjoyable Christmas with family
What went well today:
i brought myself to the art class
What I could have done to make my day better:
gone out of my home, just done some shopping but I did not eat enough so I was tired.
What I will do differently tomorrow:
Get up on time to get to airport
eat!!!
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Day #26
Gratitude journal
i am grateful to the mother who was live streaming on badoo and talked about never bringing guys home to her son. She protects him from her sexuality which is healthy.
I am grateful to myself for doing laundry, packing 8n time and packing an extra bag with workout gear.
i am grateful
One amazing thing that happened/I did today
I got contacted by a woman on a dating app.
Workout/run
100 “pushups” I’m too weak to do proper ones so I stand on my knees ? but that’s fine
What I ate
Some yoghurt for breakfast, pasta and cheese for lunch, crisps for dinner... I need to make some noodles or something...
what I will eat tomorrow
Yoghurt for breakfast, hamburger at airport, dinner with parents
Arts
Painted self portrait while live streaming on badoo (no one joined the chat lol)
Singing
Nopes
social activities
some work meetings, listened to some live-streams, tried some live streaming myself. It was scary even though no one was there. Just the exposure. I will practice it some more.
Meditation
none
Visualisation
i will have an enjoyable Christmas with family
Daily affirmation
I will heal because I want to heal
Reading + taking notes
none
Getting to bed before 9pm
Nopes
Weekly Goal(s)
Buy a swimming card
Monthly Goal
Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci done)
3 Month Goal
stopped playing video games
finished a course in personal finance
enjoyable Christmas with family
What went well today:
i brought myself to the art class
What I could have done to make my day better:
gone out of my home, just done some shopping but I did not eat enough so I was tired.
What I will do differently tomorrow:
Get up on time to get to airport
eat!!!
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12 hours ago, Ikar said:
The guy mentioned that in general women are sexually viewed as objects and men as subjects. I agree that this idea is flawed.
I think there's no correlation between women doing most of the verbal rejections and them wanting sex. I think the exception to that might be ugly girls (or those who think they are ugly). Men do rejections visually. I think transposing this to men would mean something silly like "men don't ask out most woman they meet, so that means they mostly don't want sex". All in all, I think women want sex the same amount as men do.
Look up Crumb (1995), if you are interested in this particular sons/mother familial pathology. I saw it a few months ago and it was great.
Thanks for sharing @BooksandTrees and @Vidar. I consider myself lucky I did not have my parents actively messing up my own relationships.
I think I’ve seen some version of this.
I realized today how badly traumatized I actually am. I’m questioning if I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship with any woman. At least the intimate kind. Before I thought these two years of therapy was coming to an end, but now I see I’m just getting started. It’s just so unfair the whole thing. Like, being a middle class white dude with average looks and good intellect is like being on top of the food chain (or at least used to be). Somehow I have not been able to cash in on it and everything has just crumbled. It’s just shit.
I don’t know what to do now. I came to the conclusion that I don’t want sex and I don’t want that promotion. Less narcissism and no messing with traumas.
Tomorrow I will fly to my parents and stay there for a few days. I can stay at my friends place if I freak out and my therapist is working so I can call her. One of my sisters will also be there.
What I fear the most now is that my mother has huge power over me and that I will start talking about this after a few glasses of wine. Need to stay away from the drinking!
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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Your therapist will be good at finding ways to overcome this odd and terrible obstacle. Have you confronted her about this? I used to never talk to women because it reminded me of my dad trying to steal my girlfriend or flirt with women I spoke with. I didn't talk to him for years and I got over it after lots of work.
Feeling shame from others is unfair and a major source of depression. Just know that logically you don't have to speak to your mother again as family means nothing in the end. Being anorexic can be a constant reminder of the pain she has caused. A great way to overcome this pain could very well be to be healthier, eat better, and exercise to find a woman who does treat you well. You deserve better.
Thanks @BooksandTrees, I really appreciate it. It feels good to name your demons. It makes them shrink.
Sounds like you have had a narcissistic dad. My mom was more into sabotaging my relationships, my dads relationships too. You are right, we deserve better!
I added a great video on the topic above.
The thing is I don’t have traumatic intrusive memories, it’s more like slow poison. My ex had experienced physical abuse in her childhood and she could barely sleep as an adult. For me it’s more ambiguous, which is why it’s been so difficult to grasp what is going on. My mother is probably not really aware of what she is doing herself.
I will visit my family over the holidays. In the past I tried no contact like you said. But that hurt me more than maintaining a sliver of a relationship.
The healthiest thing for me right now is to forge and maintain as many healthy relationships as possible. The ones that feel bad I can keep to a minimum.
I have also come to the conclusion that the management position is not for me. I will have to write a very polite letter declining it. My boss is also a bit narcissistic.
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During therapy I came to realize my mother and I have had some tendencies of incest in our relationship. Like she would show herself naked and also comment on my body in an inappropriate way. I think this is the main reason I find women who are showing that they are attracted to me repulsive, they remind me of my horny mother... I have seen my mothers naked body more than all the women I have dated. This is very shameful and disgusting.
During the croci these emotions and flashbacks resurfaced. It felt grate to burn in new impressions and overwrite the memories of my mother with this woman.
After discovering this I made an effort to find help from a medical doctor. I don’t know but maybe there are some resources out there.
One reason I don’t like to be buff and attractive is because my mother finds me attractive and expresses it out loud (it happened before). However I decided not to let her control and own me and my sexuality so now it’s eating and beefing time (I’m anorexic and thin as a way to protect myself).
Edit: a great video about the topic
Dear Diary...
in Daily Journals
Posted
Great job, congrats,
May the none gaming force be with you for another year!