Lorente

Sunday, 19 August 2019 Day 13 - Upping my game. Today wasn't such a productive day but I felt good. I woke up late because of the tiring day we had yesterday being all day on the highway and headed straight to 11:30am meeting (AA). Inbetween I have to say I go to both A.A. and N.A. I don't mind, they both help me a lot. And after that meeting, which ended at 1pm, went eating with my dad. After that stayed there reading "Ars Notoria" on my phone, which is interesting and mysterious reading, until 5pm meeting (NA). Then stayed for 6:30 Meeting (AA), and then went to my spanish meeting at 8pm(NA). So in total made 4 meeting today, and I didn't realize until right now that I'm writing it hahahaha (shit I'm fucked up). It was a good day, had no gaming craves, but I did had some smoking cigarretes craves, not so bad tho. What I did good today: Not smoking. Reading on my spare time. Spending less time on my phone. What I could've done better: Maybe instead of making the afternoon meetings, It would've been best to go back home and study for a while and clean more my house.

Day 12 - Rainy Road In the morning went to a meeting. After that my father asked me for help driving a truck on highway. We went to another state loaded some grass (that apparently only grows there) and got back. Which was all day. Had no time for cigarrete craves or gaming. Now I'm just home and ready to sleep. Easy day hehe. Wish all of them where like this.

Yesterday forgot to write journal so I'll quick post it this morning. Day 11 - New tattoo. Woke up early around 7am made lunch, took a shower, read a little bit, chatted for a while and got ready for my tattoo appointment which was at 12. Got there right on time and prepared for the session which lasted around 3 hours. Got my beautiful monarch and now I'm closest to my full arm tattoo goal hehe. After that went to a 5pm meeting, then staying for the 6:30pm meeting and after that went to a 8pm meeting at another group. Got home around 10pm and made dinner for myself, which was eggs with tortilla and some sausage, after that read for like an hour and then it came...depression started and didn't stop until 3am. First I had urges to smoke a cig, then to drink a bottle of tequila (my brother has one hidden), also had some gaming craves but I knew it would just make me feel more bad since I will lose my progress and with a little bit of concience that I have right now I know is meaningless to do any of those...Read a little bit, and started to write the reasons that led me to depression, what was I feeling on it and also how to handle it better in the future and what to do best. That was it. Got to sleep at 4am and now I'm writing this and getting ready to start my new day and It will be a better day. GL.

Day 9 - Cleaning day. Yesterday forgot to write. Cleaned up my house. Which took me almost all day, I took little breakes to relax, took a nap, also cooked for myself something healthy. Didn't excercise but atleast home is clean now. Also It has been like 3 days that I'm chating with a girl who's from Mexico City and I think we have something going on since I met her at the convention, I just don't think that getting attached is something I shouldn't do, I will do my best effort to keep things cool so far all great, we videochat for like 40mins this night and made me feel good (thanks). We can relate a lot because she is also an addict trying to get better so we have a lot of comprehension for eachother. Dind't do anything else, I went to a meeting at night but that's it. I know I could've been more productive and I should start taking things more serious. (AKA, making a study plan, hitting the library, excercising DAILY, and cut down my procrastination time) Day 10 - A little mix of everything. Woke up early. Went to stadium. Had a coffee and an amazing talk whit the owner (who's also a studied philosopher). Discussed about Egon Shiele and Gustav Klimt, and some other mexican artist. Hit the stadium for 1:30hr. Then had an amazing bloodcleaning juice afterwards at a friends Juice Lounge nearby. Came back home, and my brother wanted me to play League with him. I said no, and ofc he insisted until I got mad and we both got mad, then went to my room and read a little bit. Hit the stadium and did another hour of cardio and leg workout. At night went to a meeting and now I'm home feeling like shit, I'm really crazy for a cigarrete but what would it do, after it I would lose all my progress on that. I'm 3 weeks now but I feel so lowww I really want to smoke one fuck this feeling is like shit. My home is a fucking shithole. I wish I had enough money to be out all day and do my stuff. I will not smoke a Cig! and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I'm getting a new tattoo tomorrow :).

Yes man, hope to see your journal soon, I'd love following it, my best wishes brother. Thanks Kwshake, I'm actually doing that. Before my last relapse I achieved passing my university exam and it felt awesome to pass that exam even if it felt like shit the 2 months prior I had to study for it haha. Also I'm doing exercise (streetworkout). I need those kind of rewards I have to train myself in order to achieve recovery, I've been reading a lot about addiction and It's just the way it is. I hope you're doing well and my best wishes to you my friend.

Day 8 - Same shit different day. Woke up early, and went to stadium. Went to a friends coffee that is nearby and after that did my routine (cardio and chest workout), wanted to also do leg but I was already tired and sun was hitting really hard. I finished around 12pm and after that came back home to eat. In reality I didn't want to come back home, It was a real shithole, I won't go in detail but the only thing that's missing in my place is a corpse lying around and it would fit perfectly. I left my place for a 5pm meeting at downtown and then meet whit a girlfriend and some friends of her. She had a friend and we ended up making out, taking pictures and shit like that... but deep down inside I didn't really feel fine... She was smoking pot and I lied to her in order not to smoke telling that I had to take a test later, she has a boyfriend, and I don't really care about it, but if I'm changing my way of life I think that I'm not interested on that anymore...I know eventually It will lead me to relapse if I start doing the same shit I did when I was using... I left for a 8pm meeting and now I'm home. I will wake up really early, go to stadium and then come back home because I need to clean this ASAP. I was feeling bad for earlier but now I feel a little bit better. It's Day 8 whitout gaming (that includes gambling and League of legends), I haven't smoked cigarretes for 3 weeks and drugs for 1 and a half months. Also need to study for university. I feel that life at this point is meaningless, of course It's normal, my brain is not getting all of that boost It has been used for since I was A CHILD, atm I'm trying to replace it whit Music, exercise, coffeeand meetings I might end up calling a girlfriend some of this days just to get laid Idk as long as I don't relapse... she's not even hot but at least a sure fuck, whatever It's better than jerking off or thinking about suicide...I really need to do something about my life and take action. Peace.

I think it's something that can't be helped until we totally surrender and accept that we cannot control it. It doesn't matter if you know the consequences, it's like a drug addict that knows his drug will kill him but fails becouse he always think he will find a way to control it, when in reality you cannot beat something that totally controls your brain. Changing it's not easy and won't bring us immediatly satisfaction, but eventually will bring us to a better life.

Day 7 - Back home. Today was my last day at Aguascalientes. I stayed until late on marathonic meetings (6am of today) so just slept like 3 hours then had to wake up for the last meeting of the convention. This few days were something really especial, getting to know so much people that had been through the same crazy experiences in life I've had and we can all share together now our recovery and working towards something possitive and productive. It's was a spiritual experience and I can only be grateful to be alive. Hit the road about 1pm and I'm just getting home 10pm (9 hours on highway ?). I had some gambling craves (online poker) which I consider gaming once I got here but It wasn't as strong as my cigarrete craves back there so I'm just breathing deeply as I write this and It goes away. Right now also a little bit of depression and I understand Is just normal, I'm not getting any gaming dopamine, no cigarretes, no sex (sadly), and I need to start doing activities that help my brain like exercise, study more, going to the beach more and of course going to my meetings. Right now I'm hearing some EDM and It kinda helps, also some Chill hop or Trap. My goal for tomorrow is to hit the stadium first thing in the morning and study more for University!!! Thanks for another day on this life.

Thanks I think also for me has been if not harder, at least paired on how hard is to leave it. And of course asking for my higher power God, only he can help me leave my addiction. Because I'm am powerless over it I accept my obsession for games and drugs is higher than my own will power so I need his help everyday with meditation or a prayer for help. You're right It's not for everyone but I think it's important to believe in something beyond us.

Day 6 - Last day here. Today is my last day of the convention. At morning woke up late and didn't exercise, went straight to the first meeting of the day and then stayed on the later ones until 4pm. Had some beef soup "birria" and then went back to hotel and slept till 8pm. Resurrected and looked for a place to get a haircut. Walked through a few slums and eventually found a barber. After getting shaved went to the hotel, took a shower and got well dressed because tonight was the convention dinner and countdown. Right now Im staying again to marathonic meetings until late. Today I didn't have gaming craves but yes for cigarrete smoking. I didn't smoke tho. I know one is to many and a thousand never enough. I'm an addict.

Day 5 - On a convention. I signed up last minute to Mexico NA convention (Cromex) and yesterday hit the highway early, woke up at 5am. Got to Aguascalientes by 6pm, checked in, went for something to eat as we were starving (Me and 3 other group members that came together), and then just chilled at our rooms until sleeptime because we were tired. This morning woke up at 4am for a group activity. We went mountain climbing to a famous regional mountain, The Dead Mans Hill (El Cerro del Muerto), which was tough but a good exercise. After that made one meeting and later on went eating ram tacos at the Historic Center of the city. This two days have been full of activities so I haven't had any time on my mind for videogame cravings but I did had strong ones for smoking a cigarrete last night, weather was chill and raining, but thank good I'm staying with a sponsor who's also quitting cigarretes and It makes it easier not to have someone smoking for me not to relapse on that. After taking a nap earlier I'm at the convention again and will make meetings till 2am (they call them marathonic meetings) and my goal for tomorrow is doing some exercise at hotel gym where I'm at in the morning and not to eat too much tacos hehe.?

Hey, first I wish you luck with your recovery and wish to read more from you. I stopped smoking 3 weeks ago and gaming just a few days ago. Researching about it It's kinda funny but I realized I'm addict to videogames, streams, watching replays and all of that. I'm almost 2 months without drugs and realized that also I have to quit my videogame obsession because I'm addict to it, the same thing that happened with cigarretes and drugs on me, also happens with videogames... a little bit is never enough as much I try to convince myself. And substuting that with healthy habits like reading and exercising is kinda therapeutic as is this hehe. So I wish you good luck, thank you.

Day 3 - Today is my third day whitout videogames. Monday I helped my dad driving one truck to another state because he needed to bring some specific grass from there for a construction he's doing. So we left at night (each in different trucks) an got there past midnight and stayed at an hotel. While on the road I did feel anxious but I think it was a mixture of my drugs anxiety and leaving videogames. But It was fine, driving at night was chill and it ended up relaxing me (weather was cold, which I like). By morning we picked up the grass, had a quick breakfast and hit the highway back. The road on the way back was fine, we had to drive slow because we had load but it was fine. Almost before getting home I did start feeling bad (I don't know why) but it was already night, so I was just in time for my NA meeting. After leaving the trucks at the project he gave me a ride home (we don't live together), to leave my shit, and then he gave me a ride to my meeting which was fine. I was really close to just skip it, I was there half an hour early and almost took a bus back home with the idea of playing League. But I waited out there. Eventually a friend from the group came and we just hanged there waiting for the chairman, chatting and joking. As I said meeting was fine, I got out with a good feel and just got back home, had some quesadillas and strawberry smoothie, read a little bit, then got to sleep. The real shithole has been today. Woke up and realized my brother hasn't cleaned the house, while I've been keeping shit clean for 2 months straight, I leave 2 days and there's trash with worms and dog shit everywhere and I got real pissed up. Had to leave home today because I couldn't stand him playing League of legends upstairs (Yes, he's also a gamer). So needed to relax. I just did some exercise at stadium and will eat some ceviche tostadas after I finish writing this. I'll go back home and clean everything as he will be working already. And accept this is what I have to live today, It's fine. I did have some anxiety to play League today but as I am writing this I feel better. I'll clean, then study and get ready for tonights meeting.

Hello my name is Lorente and I am 21 years old. I am from Mexico and I'm sure I have a videogame addiction. Going back in time I think it was at around the age of 9 when my dad bought me a Gameboy Advanced that I started playing compulsively (Advanced Wars, Pokemon Emerald, Mario World, etc.), A few years later (around 11yo) I started playing Tibia and Maplestory, but really fell in love for Maplestory. We used to play it all day all night (me and another friend) grinding items, trading on marketplace, and creating lots of new characters. Looking back I recognize this was the first game I became obsessed about. This went on for a few years untill unfortunately my parents got divorced and I moved living to another state. I lost contact whit my childhood friend and stop playing videogames until I finished middle school. Then came Highschool, which defined a lot in my life. In highschool I had the best time of my life at the beggining, and the worst by the ending. I met most of my would be friends for the next 3 years on the first few months and all was great. Since it was a private collage classes were really small, and friend groups were often really varieted. I remember we would all hang. The next 2 years I ended up, learning to play guitar and then playing on the highschool band (mostly Pink floyd and some Metallica hehe), doing crossfit, dating girls, and of course, I started playing League of Legends. This wasn't a problem at first, but I have to put some context before explaining my following absolute falldown. By this time I had around 16yo, and of course, trying to get every single drop out of life. My goals were the usual things you think life is when I was a teenager. Friends, Party, being popular, getting laid, etc. I had tried cigarretes before, some weed and liquor, but this wasn't a problem yet. I also lived alone in my own apartment because my dad worked really far in a neighboor city, and came every 2 days or so to stay and check out how things were going, which where ok until... It was on the last months of my 2nd year on highschool, losing my virginity became a real obsession and I was dating a really beautiful girl. My obsessive - compulsive behaviours were well developed by then and got so frustrated because I couldn't get this girl on third base even when I had done it before in other relationships. She was, no doubt, close to an angel on beauty, shy, and from a good family. But I couldn't wait anymore and ended up cheating on her, which of course ended up as a gossip in our school. It all went downhill from there on... the sad part is that I didn't even lost my virginite then, I just made out whit an older girl from highschool. Of course, she broke up whit me, and I was left "alone", at least that's how I felt back then. I got into a void of self-pity and shame. My grades went downhill, I stoped excercising, playing guitar, going out whit friends, everything. The only thing I did "right" was to play League of legends and get high. I felt such a loser and eventually became one. I remember by then I would only play League of legends and go to school after all nighters. She became my obsession and we tried getting back several times but it never worked out, I was too fucked up. Miraclously I passed my second year of highschool and decided to quit it at the age of 17. Of course no-one was happy whit this decision. By then I got really hooked on videogames (League of Legends) and drugs (Weed, Psychedelics, Alcohol and Tabacco). This went the same for around 2 years, until things started getting worse. By then, I had lost contact whit all my highschool friends and my social group was no good. I've been locked up twice on Rehab centers on the last 2 Years, I'm 21yo now. While I did finish my highschool I'm really struggling whit life right now. Last May I started working on a stripclub for a month and ended up relapsing. I am not working there anymore. The only reason I feel I'm not locked up right now is that I got accepted for University and begin on August 26. This last 2 months I've been locked inside my house, not going out, only playing league of legends, going to meetings (NA), and studying...The only productive thing I do is go to the stadium exercising and reading, but I play for 6- 8 hours sometimes, it's the same as a drug for me. I'm clean 1 month 10 days from drugs, 2 weeks from cigarretes, and this is the first day I haven't played videogames. I read some posts on this forum and I absolutely relate, I hope I can quit. Hope to last long this time.