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RB1

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  1. RB1

    Journal

    Day 22: No gaming day 22. No laptop in room day 2/10. Gonna do an early post again since I'm feeling sooooooooo lazzzzyyyyyyyyyy today. Can't force myself to do shit. Got some pretty bad cravings an hour ago since I've just been sitting around today and something slightly upsetting happened... Don't wanna talk about that though. Got it under control now. That's all that matters. Here's a short bullet point list of the three week summary I ended up writing an essay about yesterday morning. Phase 1: Day 0-2 Very depressed, couldn't commit to an actual detox and just needed to vent on GQ Ended up reading peoples journals on GQ for two days and so inspired it pushed me to commit to a full 90 day detox Phase 2: Day 3-10 Heavy cravings all week. Caused a ton of depression, anxiety, and self-hating thoughts. Spent the free time I had not gaming to reflect on my life and current state of mind. Basically spent all my mental energy trying to think about "not-gaming" and learned about the triggers that lead me to gaming Over time, the brain-fog from constant gaming mental stimuli began to fade and I felt like my life slowly was coming back into my control. Stopped auto-piloting Phase 3: Day 11-16 Realized gaming is a huge problem for me, but not my only one. I'm an addict for many things. Cutting gaming is the start, but real improvement wouldn't begin until the rest of my addictions are dealt with Realized I needed activities to replace my past time spent gaming or I'd likely end up relapsing at some point. Told myself I'd make daily schedules and start new activities like developing a chess game from scratch and working out more. I did these things a few times, but never consistently Had very few cravings this week Phase 4: Day 17-Present Busy week. Realized at some point that I was barely thinking about gaming, but also wasn't evaluating myself like I was for the past 16 days. This was good and bad since I didn't have the need to game, which is the main goal, but I also wasn't trying to fix the issues I addressed between days 11-16. Realized activities weren't enough, but I need specific projects. Start and end dates to specific tasks I works on specific days of the week. Was very social! Went out to see friends most nights of the week and didn't even think about going home early to give myself time to game like I would have done previously. Huge improvement! So that's the bullet point summary of my experience so far. I've constructed a new plan to take the next step in self improvement that I think will be integral to my detox. So far I've been able to cut gaming for 22 days, which I am proud of, but I haven't made an attempt to fix the other issues I've discovered along the way that are just as deadly. I thought by cutting gaming my life would start to improve immediately, but with the discovery of these other issues I soon discovered this wouldn't be the case. My life style has only gotten, "less shitty", not "good." Here's another bullet point list regarding what I've learned about myself in the recent past and what I'm going to do to execute a take the next step in self improvement. Recent Self Discovery Points If I were able to do a small set of things for myself consistently, this would be enough for me to feel like my life is improving. Those things are straightforward, but they aren't easy for me to keep consistent. That consistency would make me satisfied with myself. These things don't have to be every night either. Just the nights I schedule in and tell myself I will do. These things consist of... 30 minute work outs 30 minute readings 15-20 minutes working on personal projects going out and being more social I learned I am the least productive when I'm at home. Removing myself from home makes working on my goals 100x easier ***My struggle isn't doing these activities, but the action of beginning them. This has always been my biggest hurdle in life. I set such short times for the activities above since I know once I can begin them, I go on a roll and will most likely do them for longer than 20 or 30 minutes. I just say those short times since I know just by doing them for that amount of time I can be satisfied with my day and myself. Something about the act of beginning a task I say I'd do is the challenge. Once I begin it is never difficult. I have this strange mental block where I'd choose to do anything in the moment instead the one thing I tell myself I'd do that would make me happy. Taking Action To get myself to START my tasks, I need to make a rough schedule for the week every Sunday night to manage my free time. This way I can prepare my days and set up my environment to be ideal to increase the chance of me actually beginning these activities. What I mean is on nights where I say I'll go to the gym, leave my laptop at work. On nights where I want to work on my chess app, go from work to the local library where I'd be more likely to work on it. Things like that. I committed yesterday to do a 10 day no-laptop-in-room detox. If I break this promise, I will reset my whole gaming detox back to day 1. I plan to do this again in the near future, but I will be on vacation in 10 days where I have no choice but to have my laptop in my room. I'll try to resume this part of the detox again when I'm back from vacation I believe these two very straightforward strategies are non-negotiable. I truly believe they're the only way I will begin to IMPROVE my life, not just make it, "less shitty" like I mentioned earlier in the post. I'll make sure to post each day this week to talk about this new strategy I'll be implementing in my life.
  2. RB1

    Journal

    That's awesome! I need to make a post about what kind of activities that I'd like to pursue during my detox. Haven't really made an official post about that yet. I've got a few things on my mind, but wish I had a comprehensive list like you man. I actually haven't used StayFocused yet. I did just download it though. It looks like it's got the features I've been needing my life. I think this will really help me work toward my next step in self-improvement. Thanks!
  3. RB1

    Journal

    Just made a disgustingly long post about this, but I'll make a shorter, more reasonable one tomorrow ? Things are going well and I have a plan for what is next. I'm feeling confident and ready for my next step in self-improvement!
  4. RB1

    Journal

    Day 21: It's the beginning of the day, but I've got plans for later so I might as well write this now. Three weeks have past and I wanted to summarize what has happened, what is happening, and what I'm going to do. I just tried to skim over all the posts in my journal since day 0 to remind myself what had been going through my mind, but it's hard to sum up since it was such an emotional storm and since I was so scatter brained. I think that I can sum it up in four phases since day 0 though... Days 0 - 2, Committing: On day 0, I didn't actually commit to any sort of detox. In the past 6 months, I had attempted probably 10-15 personal gaming detoxes where I'd swear to god, "this is the day I take charge and change my life" but would give up within 2-3 days. I have attempted detoxes here and there in the past 5 years, but the severity of my issues have really displayed in the past half year. This cycle fed into itself to the point where I no longer had and trust in myself or any self respect. About 5 weeks ago (from today) I left home to stay with my folks to do a summer internship. I hadn't seen them in a very long time or the friends that still lived in my childhood area. Despite having coming home, I would go to work, get home around 7pm, lock myself in my room, and play video games or binge watch gaming content until I fell asleep at 1 or 2am. I would wake up 5 hours later extremely tired since I spent the last night gaming and repeat the cycle. The weekend were worse since I would wake up, play games, maybe do a thing or two in the day, then game again at night until I went to bed. I did not spend much time with my family in the first two weeks, nor was I very excited to see friends from my home town. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with my parents or my friends, but I was so hooked that I made excuses like, "I just don't have the energy. I'll see them soon some other time. I'm working hard right now and just need some alone time." All that bullshit I've forever fed myself. Three weeks ago in the midst of a youtube gaming binge, one of Cams videos was recommended to me which I remembered to have seen four years back. I remembered a serious detox I did after seeing that 4 years ago that lasted I think for 18 days. I didn't post on GQ, but just in a personal journal. At the time, I thought, "in a year I'll be clean of gaming and be the person I was always meant to be." It's now four years later and I have a worse addiction to gaming now than I had back then. Seeing the video made me evaluate everything about myself, which led to a serious mental meltdown. I collected myself overnight and decided to make a GQ account to rant about everything on my mind. I just needed to vent. On day 1, I spent all day evaluating myself and my life while reading through random peoples journals on GQ. I'd begun to consider "committing" to another detox but was hesitant to since I didn't trust myself to get further than 3 days, and another broken self promise would have put me over the edge. I somehow pulled it together and wrote that I'd do a 30 day detox. I knew I was full of shit then and really believed I'd delete my posts, my account, and go back to gaming by day 3. I still don't know where the strength came from, but at the end of day 2 my mentality totally changed and I'd put both feet into the detox. I think it was just that I'd been reading stories all day for the second day on GQ of peoples who's experience I could relate to, which I'd never had before. I'd watched videos online about addiction in the past, but reading story after story on GQ of others who had the same problem as me and to read what had come from it was truly inspiring. I said I'd commit to 90 days no solo gaming and absolutely no gaming social media. I'd sort of half assed it by saying when I'd got home from this internship on day 42, I'd allow myself to play video games with friends as long as we're side by side. Almost all of my gaming was done alone or online (which I personally consider to be alone) so I still somewhat think it's ok for me as long as I use gaming socially. I'm strongly beginning to reconsider this position now that it's been three weeks and seen what wonders this detox has done for me. But by the end of day 2, I'd made a commitment. Days 3 - 10, Depression, Anxiety, Self-hatred, Stress, Boredom, etc.: These days hit me hard. I immediately fell into a pretty deep depression that came crashing down on day 7 and 8. Every day I didn't know what to do with myself in my free time and I'd spent all my energy trying to simply not re-download video games I'd played or go on twitch or youtube to watch gaming videos all day. This phase was all fighting temptation. My brain constantly tried to play tricks on itself like always telling me, "today was a rough day, it's okay to reward yourself after hard work." Or, "If you just played for an hour and quit it would be proof that you have control over the activity. Just take it easy for an hour." All that crap I'm way too familiar with. The voices in my head tortured me as I just sat there trying not to game, but I was able to break through. The boredom then creeped in and disturbed me as well. All this extra time that I realized I had was so painful. Both because I just wanted to game and because of the realization that I've been lying to myself for years saying I don't have time for self improvement. This time gave me an opportunity to evaluate my mental state since video games weren't present to cloud my judgement. It gave me the freedom to really be honest with myself, which first led to extreme self hatred. I sat laying in my bed staring at my walls for three hours straight on night 4 just thinking about how much of a piece of shit I really am. I'm supposed to be an adult and I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally struggling not to log onto a computer and play video games. I was 23, but felt like a 12 year old. I kept on coming home from work hating myself for small problems that would occur. I'd call myself an idiot, worthless, or someone with zero value to the world. Every little thing was putting me on edge because my brain for once wasn't clouded by the constant stimuli of video games. I felt like I was actually thinking for the first time in years, but this of course didn't mean I was filled with encouraging thoughts. Those first 10 days were filled with very dark thoughts, but I think they were necessary for me to have that moment to move onto my next phase. Days 11 - 16, Reflection, and Realization: It took about 10 full days for what I call the brain-fog (the haziness that the drug of gaming causes, making you live on auto-pilot and without critical self thought) to clear and allow me to reflect. I'd realized I'd fallen into a self destructive state of mind and could slip back into gaming if I didn't actively try to change this. This reflection led me to realize a few things. Gaming was only the root of a greater problem. I needed to cut gaming out, but that alone wasn't going to make an impactful difference in my life. I'm afraid of the world and gaming and the internet allow me to hide from it. I wasn't only addicted to gaming, but the internet, surfing the internet while I was alone in my room, and any other activity that would allow me to hide in my shell. Yes, it is crucial for me to cut out gaming to begin to change, but that has only caused me to fall back on my other forms of addictions more heavily. I realized that I needed to find activities to replace the time I used to spend gaming that were productive or I would one day end up hooked to my old habits without even realizing. I first thought this was straightforward, but quickly realized straightforward didn't necessarily mean easy to accomplish. I tried cutting laptop use from my room, but have already failed three times since I didn't commit to the activities that I said I'd do to replace my computer use. I realized activities and goals weren't enough and that specific projects were necessary for me to take active action. I "committed" to two projects, which were developing a chess game from scratch, and being able to do 3 sets of 10 pull-ups by the end of August. I began working on both these goals, but failed to maintain the consistency that I wanted. Getting tired of writing this long post so I'm gonna shorten the rest and get back to it another day... Days 17 - Present, Stability without Positive Progress : Have almost no cravings to game aside from random moments of intense cravings. I have good control over them though Been busier than usual so I haven't thought much about my mental state like I had been during the first three phases This is good in that I'm able to be emotionally stable without having to combat the serious cravings of gaming This is bad in that I haven't been as serious about addressing the problems that rose during phase 3 like cutting out laptop usage in my room or actively Basically this aspect has been a HUGE improvement when comparing me to day 0 me, but I still don't feel like I'm moving towards the big picture. I've been very social lately! Went out to see friends multiple times in the last week and didn't feel the usual cravings of wanting to go home and play video games instead. This was one of the goals I've been working towards. I meant to balance this out with the projects I mentioned, but you know, one step at a time. My plan Will make another post about this, but I have a few solutions to my current problems. Laptop usage in my room is banned for 10 days. If I break this promise, I go back to day 1 of my detox I need to make a general weekly plan every Sunday night that indicates which days I work on which goals. The importance of this is to set up my days ahead of time to prepare the best environment possible to achieve my goals. For example, on days that I want to go to gym after work, I can leave my laptop at work. For days I want to work on my chess game project, I put a 2 hour timer on youtube using StayFocused app to force myself to use my time wisely. I learned that I am actually very good at sticking to the work I need to do ONCE I GET STARTED! I have a lot of trouble getting started and that's the current mental barrier I need to break down. I think this is the single biggest wall to self improvement that I face currently and I should be focusing all my energy on this. Wow this rant felt great! Needed to take a moment to think about what's happened since the beginning. It's felt like 2 months when it's only been 3 weeks, but the gaming aspect has gotten a lot easier to manage. I've still got a long ways to go, so I can't let up. There're probably a ton of grammatical errors in this since I'm definitely not going back to edit this, but whatever. Gonna make a much shorter post tomorrow regarding my new plan. Today was just venting.
  5. RB1

    Journal

    Day 20: Another great day! Friday night but decided to stay home. Feelin a little tired. No need for games at all :) Haven't been thinking much about how my detox has been effecting me this week, but I'll try to dive into my thoughts and try to summarize my experiences weeks 1, 2, and three and where I'm headed with my detox. Overall been feeling good though!
  6. RB1

    Journal

    Day 19: Had a great day :)
  7. I'm trying to do exactly that. Take my computer out of my room as part of my detox. It's actually been harder for me to cut this out of my life more than cutting gaming out has been. I'm working on a way to get this under control. Maybe I need to get rid of my laptop. But I also need it for work... I've tried to take up reading before bed, but it's not something I particularly enjoy. I've heard a lot of people recommend it, but it's not a relaxing activity for me before bed. It makes me want to game more actually. I haven't read at all since beginning this detox (I've been through many) so maybe I should give it another shot. Any other relaxing night time activities you've tried @NannerZ?
  8. RB1

    Journal

    Day 18: I've been feeling to lazy to post much in my journal as of late. I should post more and keep this habit up, but something about this week... Good news - it's been pretty easy for me to not game. Surprisingly easy actually. The easiest it's ever felt during a detox. I've gotten some cravings at random times in the past week, but I feel very much in control of them. Not gonna get too far ahead of myself, but I'm glad this is the way it is. Bad news - I've been very inconsistent with the activities I've told myself to do in place of gaming. I've done all the things I'd said I'd do at some point, but I haven't kept them up. Even if it's just for 15-20 minutes, I should try and do some activity every day. Consistency is the key. I hope if I continue not to game, these other activities integrate into my life more naturally. Struggling to keep them up. Maybe it'll start happening soon since I don't have to put so much mental energy towards not gaming. Maybe I need even more discipline and more effort. That's it for today. Too lazy to write. I'll make sure to write another big post for myself at the end of my third week.
  9. RB1

    Journal

    @DaBest Thank you for the advice! The apps I'm using are currently working for me for the sites I'm blocking, but youtube is not on that list. I do need to cut the time I spend on youtube, but I've always been hesitant to block it since I actually do use it for work and to study in general, but I know past 8pm I never doing anything productive on it. I didn't know StayFocused existed and is actually perfect for my situation! If I decide to do some personal studying at home after work, I look through videos on youtube a lot as a source of reference. But when I begin to procrastinate, I make this subconscious transition to watching junk on youtube and can spend 2-4 hours before I catch myself slipping. If I turned on StayFocused as soon as I get home from work/school, It will definitely keep me honest with my time on youtube. Thanks for letting me know! Also all the activities you mentioned sound awesome! It's real inspiring to hear how many things you're trying out now. Are these all activities you've picked up since cutting out gaming?
  10. RB1

    Journal

    I use an app called SelfControl to block twitch and twitter and another application to block youtube gaming channels that I used to spend all day on. I've blocked off all major sites in the past, but whenever I restricted myself too much, I always gave in and moved my clock ahead a day to bypass the apps restriction mechanism. Its got an easy way around it and I'm riding on some discipline right now so I don't do the same with the few gaming channels I'm blocking at the moment. I don't really know of an app that has a reliable blocking mechanism. When the cravings get bad I've just looked up how to bypass it. Let me know if you know of a good one. If there's an app that would block the internet all together for some set period of time, I could use that as well. Ultimately, I'd like to find some nighttime activity that help me blow off steam just like gaming did for me before. I need some end of the day relaxing activity that replaces gaming. I realize that I might have to start by cutting myself off the internet at night all together, but I've recently learned that it's even harder for me to this out of my life than gaming. Just out of curiosity, what activities did you find that were more rewarding for you?
  11. Hi everyone, So personally, my detox has been more about trying to cut out lounging around watching gaming content on twitch, youtube, twitter, etc. than the actual act of gaming itself. 16 days in, I've successfully been able to cut 100% of gaming and watching gaming content out of my life. However, the terrible habit of bringing my laptop to binge watch NON-gaming content remains. I've already tried and failed to ban having my laptop in my room before bed as an attempt to avoid this problem three times. My question to the community is... What leisure activities have you all picked up to replace gaming before bed? I've found activities and project to replace gaming during my free time in the day, but they don't exactly blow off steam like gaming and watching gaming content did for me. This makes me vulnerable during the last few hours of the day for the need of computer time, even if it isn't for video games. Is anyone else having a similar problem? How did you avoid this? Let me know of any suggestions you all have.
  12. RB1

    Journal

    Day 16 - late post: Made it through day 11-15! Very proud of myself! I've only gotten this far during two other detoxes in my life and believe me, I've tried these detoxes dozens of times. I believe the further I've ever gotten with a gaming detox is day 32, so that's the next milestone I'm aiming for. Honestly, I've had 10 times of an easier experience this time around purely because of the posts I've been making. I'm really confident I can make it to day 32 and even further. Bad news. I've been having a rough time with goal B (keeping my laptop out of my room). I'm going to have to figure something else out with this. I've brought my laptop to my room at night for the past two nights and ended up binge watching random internet content for 2 hours two nights ago, and 4 hours last night. That's a lot of sleep I could have had and lost. The problem is, I don't have an alternative night activity to blow off steam. So far, I've been able to abstain from gaming by having a busier than usual schedule, filling my free time with different leisure activities, strict projects, and general discipline. When it comes to night time leisure activities, all I've ever done is go to my room and sit on my computer and A, play tons of video games, or B, watch endless gaming content on twitch, youtube, twitter along with some other non-gaming content. I need to find a leisure activity that replaces this and I can't figure one out. I know a lot of people say reading and I should read more, but I've never been the best reader so it feels more like work than a leisure activity to me. This is what I need to figure out to stick with goal B. This is unexpectedly more of a challenge than cutting gaming so far. Actual Daily Post - Today was a great day! Woke up feeling good, had a great day at work, didn't go straight home but to a restaurant to get dinner and drinks with a friend for the rest of the night. I've actually been scheduling and committing activities I make during my free time! Got home last and was very tired so I ended up chilling out for the rest of the night till 2am on my computer, which I'm not happy about. Other than that slip-up, great day! Cutting gaming has really opened me up to want to be more social in the last two weeks! Before the detox, I was somewhat as socially active, but there was always this lingering thought in the back of my mind when with others that said I wish I just went home and gamed instead. There was always also this sense of urgency to go home earlier than I needed so I can have time before the end of the day to game for a few hours. Last night and this last week, I haven't felt that at all. It's really an amazing feeling! I still get that sense of urgency to get home a little earlier than I need so I can relax on my computer for a bit, but it doesn't compare even slightly to that urgency with gaming. Once again, I'm proud to have made it to day 16! I know it's still 16/90 days, but it's a real milestone for me. I've learned a lot about myself in 16 days, good things have been happening to me as a result of the time that's opened up from cutting gaming, I'm already starting to feel the positive effects of the detox, and am actively working towards some of the things I've put off for a long time! It's felt like the longest 16 days of my life, but also the most rewarding. Looking forward to my next milestone, day 32 :)
  13. RB1

    Journal

    Day 15: Past week 2! Goal B - Day 5 Ended up taking a family trip out to the countryside where there was no internet. Made the tough days 11-15 real easy for me. Couldn't game up there if I wanted to :) Brought my laptop up and began the programming project I've been meaning to do. Started making a chess game from scratch in C++. I probably put 6-8 hours into this in the last two days, which was basically all my free time. This was the first time in a long time I lost track of time doing something productive that I also enjoy. I've honestly been void of passion 5 years at this point. Growing up, I was the type of person who had a small set of interests that I was deeply passionate about. I would think about them from the moment I woke up to the time I went to sleep. School and extra curricular activities were just in the way. I had this life driving purpose that I was always working towards. I've been trying to recapture that sort of passion ever since it vanished 5 years back. Kind of an abrupt end to my rant, but I'll pick it up another day. Too tired to continue at the moment. I just wanted to say I don't have that passionate feeling towards anything back yet, but this weekend was a reminder of what that felt like. Having an addictive personality can be incredibly damaging when your brain wraps itself around a harmful activity, but when you redirect that energy towards something fulfilling, the feeling is unbelievable. I have so much faith in myself and other gamers going through a rough phase in life. We're grinders by nature. Once we learn to redirect our mental energy towards something better for us, I know we can all turn our lives around.
  14. RB1

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    After what I said in my post last night, I ended up having about gaming. Felt like I played StarCraft II for 6 hours straight where I won every game. It reminded me of that dopamine rush you get when you're on a good streak and can't put the controller/mouse away. "I'll quit once I lose. One more game. Ok I lost, need to play just another one to redeem myself. Lost again so I'll play till I win. I won, but just a few more." In my game binging dream, I'd forgotten that I'd made a commitment to cut gaming for 90 days, until the very end. I felt so much guilt and was just genuinely upset that I was going to have to reset my counter in my GQ journal. I also remembered in my dream that I was between days 12-15 of my detox, which upset me further that I gave into gaming then. I'm not the type to look into dreams, but I felt like this served as an instant reminder after my easy day yesterday that the addiction is still there and strong. However, the fact I remembered about my detox at the end and was upset I was going to have to reset my counter means that GQ is really working for me. I'd say the dream ended up being positive overall. Regardless, I hope this doesn't become a recurring dream.
  15. RB1

    Journal

    Day 12: Goal B take 2 - day 2 Got through the day without doing too much deep thinking. Busy day in and out of work, but easy on my mind. Been having to do a lot of deep thinking about my psyche since starting this detox, but I had no need today. No need to game, no need to be in my room alone on my laptop, no cravings, no combatting negative self talk, no need for reminders to stick to the detox, none of that. This is exactly how I hope things can be for me when I'm done fighting gaming addiction. I know things just happened to work well for me and most days wont go this way. Even if this 90 day detox goes exactly as planned, I know I'll have days where I have to fight hard against my addictive behavior. I just hope I can achieve more days like today knowing it was because I was in control of my actions, thoughts, and emotions, not because I got a little lucky. Hopefully I can reach that time when fighting cravings becomes so easy it's practically second nature. That's all for today ?
  16. RB1

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    Day 11: Goal B take 2 - day 1 Good day at work! Accomplished a lot, made some progress, good things overall. Got drinks with a friend after work. Was feeling real tired since I stayed up wasting time I could have been sleeping watching pointless youtube videos and TV. Felt like just going home, but I promised I'd meet up and I hate to flake. Realized before making this post that I haven't felt many cravings for the past few days. In fact, aside from a few moments, I've almost forgotten about gaming altogether. I have been a little more busy for the past three nights, but that's always a good thing. I'm currently having a harder time with goal B. The cravings for this are currently much worse than gaming itself. I really hope that these two restrictions on my daily life don't get at me simultaneously. Afraid they might. I'm entering day 12-15. If I ever made it this far into past detoxes, this is about where I gave in. I've only ever gotten past day 15 on two other detoxes ever. I'm confident I can get past it this time around. Before I would get bad cravings right at this time, but I'm really not experiencing much of them at the moment. GQ is to thank for that! I'm gonna need encouragement on day 14 and 15 since it'll be the weekend. Don't exactly have anything planned at the moment. I need to find something to do to fill the void or it could get bad real fast. Gonna try to stay away from home and avoid the situation all together. Looking forward to fight the next 4 days off and getting to day 16. That's going to be a true milestone for me. Haven't gotten that far in 3 years.
  17. RB1

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    Of all the awesome advice and knowledge you've given me so far, this was the most eye opening. I never thought of it like the way you put it. "Gaming made me give up on myself everyday." That is exactly what I was doing without even realizing. I think I need to reflect on this more. Any advice you may have on fighting this kind of negative self talk would help me a lot.
  18. RB1

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    What you said here also spoke to me. I actually made a post yesterday called, 'projects over goals' because of what you said here. I never really thought of the activities I did during my free time as, 'passive activities' but that's precisely what they were. I picked things I wanted to work on, but with no direction. I really think if I can drive myself to be project oriented, I can get through this detox with greater ease. I look up to people who are that way since I've always struggled with sticking to projects I make for myself. I've always been the type that was better at sticking to assignments that someone else needs or wants done. This was always since I was ok with letting myself down, but not with letting others down. I need the learn to value myself more and maybe it would matter to me when bailing on my own projects. If you have any tips on sticking to your own projects, I'd love to hear them! I still don't have a solution for this, but I think posting about the progress I make on projects might encourage me to keep them up just like posting about gaming and other issues has helped me stick to my detox. I'm all ears.
  19. RB1

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    Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. Just wanted to say I read your post when I fell into a short and sudden slump over the weekend. That quote you shared along with your words was the assurance I needed at a time like that. It really meant a lot to hear that at that time. Thank you!
  20. RB1

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    Thank you for the encouraging words and for all of your comments. They really mean a lot! I've never really thought about this method. Tucking away a reminder in a drawer in case of emergencies. I feel like logging onto GQ serves that purpose, but I'll try that out if I ever feel I need to.
  21. RB1

    Journal

    Day 10: Late post 1/10 of the way! Goal B) Day 0 Long day at work. Not much to say there. Just standard stuff. Got home and finally got a bunch of the stuff I'd say I'd get done off my shoulders, so yay. Unfortunately, I didn't stick with goal B and I feel absolutely terrible about this. Before going to bed, I got real anxious about certain life things and I felt like I had to do something to cal myself down. Instinctively, I brought my laptop to my room and said, "screw it." I'll just watch a few things on youtube before going to bed and get back to goal b tomorrow. The one good thing was I didn't play any games. This was a huge mistake. Although I didn't play games, the same sort of thing happened as when I do play them. One video turned into two, two into four, then an episode of a TV show, then a second one since it got interesting, etc. Ended up in my room on my laptop from 9:30pm to 1:30am. What could have been a good nights rest turned into 4 of a possible 8 hours wasted. Now I'm exhausted and almost late for work. Works gonna suck since I'm tired, then I can't even go straight home. I committed to go see some friends after work, but I don't even feel like it now since I want to catch up on sleep. Gonna have to go regardless and it's probably gonna make tomorrow even more exhausting. Disappointed that I gave up on goal B so fast, but glad it didn't lead to gaming. Overall, I've learned sticking with goal B might be as hard or possibly even more difficult than abstaining from gaming. I learned that moments where I get very anxious act as a trigger and ultimately leads to me bringing my laptop to my room, and wasting valuable hours that could have been used to sleep longer. I've given up sleep for laptop time constantly in the past and I want to change this now. I've woken up upset because I went to bed later than I intended in the past, but I've never really reflected on it. I've learned a lot. Gonna use that knowledge to try and stop myself next time. The next time something is making me anxious before going to bed, I will leave the house and walk around until it wears off instead of going to my room and watching youtube/TV on my laptop.
  22. RB1

    Journal

    Projects Over Goals: It's really just a matter of semantics, but I think this is important. It was brought to my attention by @fawn_xoxo that a lot of the activities I've done since beginning this detox are, "passive activities." It was interesting it was put that way since to me, those things were actually goals of mine (I didnt' re-read the post, but I haven't been writing EVERYTHING I've been doing during my days in these posts). Regardless, whether he meant it as I understand it or not, he was making a good point. I realized that the small list of goals I made in my head look like exercise more cook something new go to bed at a reasonable hour study a new coding language Basically, these goals I realized had no specificity. They are goals, but taking action in these activities became just a way to pass time. I realized what I need to make for myself is a list of very specific projects. This is still a work in progress, but what I was thinking was a list that looks like Be able to do 3 sets of 10 wide grip pull ups with 1 minute break between sets by the last day of September (9/30) On weekdays, get ready for bed by 10:30pm and be asleep by 11pm. Wake up at 7am Code a chess game from scratch using Python. Build the UI by August 1st In fact, the first and third goal have been on my mind for some time now, so I'll make those my first two projects. I don't know about the end dates, but I'll try them out and figure that out again later. For now, the dates listed should be reasonable. I have a history of bailing on projects when no one is relying on me but myself, but maybe posting about them on GQ will help stick with them. That's been a huge help for me with my detox so far. Maybe writing about projects will help me commit to them as well.
  23. RB1

    Journal

    Day 9: GoalB (No laptop in room): Day 1 Written a day late. Stayed with my grandparents place for a night which was nice. Their internet sucks and was down last night anyways, so I didn't have use of my computer. It was annoying at first, but after accepting there was no internet, it felt boarder line therapeutic. It's been a while since I've been forced off the internet. It was a good way to spend my first day pursuing goal B. Two nights ago I went to sleep without having my laptop (or tv) in my room. I'm so used to going to sleep with some background noise from a youtube video or a twitch stream that it was actually hard to fall asleep. I got into bed pretty early at 11pm and couldn't actually fall asleep till 12:30am. I've consistently gone to sleep while on my computer or TV for god knows how long, that I didn't actually even consider this to be an issue I'd come across. Last night wasn't as bad, but I had some trouble falling asleep as well. I might need to listen to music when sleeping as a temporary replacement. The good news is that when actually falling asleep, I feel like I fell into a much deeper sleep. Got to see my grandparents for the first time in a very long time, so I had a great day!
  24. RB1

    Journal

    Day 8: I talked about what's going though my mind in my rant above, but enough reflection. Time to take action again. I learned in the last week that cutting out gaming alone wont get me through this detox. Unless I take action with the other problems and addictions I have in my life, I'm bound to relapse. The root of my problems is that I'm a recluse. When I'm tired, feeling depressed, or just generally bored, I take my laptop to my room and binge watch videos. For the last week, those videos haven't been gaming related, but I still have this bad habit of turtling up in my room, on my bed, with my laptop on my stomach and binge watch meaningless content for hours. To fix my problem of being a recluse, my internet addiction problem, and my computer addiction problem is the first thing I need to do is stop bringing my laptop to my room. This is the gateway to all my problems. When I lock myself up in my room with my computer it allows me to do whatever I want without any real social interaction. When I leave my laptop in my living room, or even better, at work or away from home, I don't fall victim to these addictive tendencies since isolating myself is what triggers them. From this moment on, I will not bring my laptop into my room. I will start a separate counter for this. This will take priority second to gaming, but I still do believe it is essential for the sake of my detox. This is becoming a lot to promise since I feel that I'm already giving up a lot with gaming, but I must do this. I won't consider it a full relapse if I bring my laptop to my room, but this post and the counter will serve as a reminder to the goal I'm trying to accomplish.
  25. RB1

    Journal

    Rant for myself, but feel free to read: After yesterday's post, I fell into a real dark place. I was supposed to go out drinking with a friend, but he had to cancel last second. Decided I'd be better for me to go out to a bar own my own than to be home on my own. Big mistake. Got pretty drunk on my own and tried to be social on my own, which never really works. There was a group of nice Australians who were visiting the country on vacation that approached me and we spoke for a little while. We had a nice quick chat 10-15 minutes, but after the small talk, I didn't really have much to say and I could tell they we're getting weirded out by me since I was already in this pissy, shit mood. I tried to ignore my negative emotions in the moment, but couldn't quite fake being, 'normal' for a just a little bit to hold up a real conversation with these people. This dropped my mood from a low, to an even lower point. Ended up slamming my last drink and heading home two hours earlier than I intended. I got home, went to my room and spent the rest of my night just watching stupid videos on youtube instead of socializing like I wished to. Luckily, I didn't relapse, but what's the difference really if I isolate myself and do other meaningless things on the internet? I'm actually not good, but not bad at socializing. Not really good when it's meeting people at bars though. That's when I'm in a good mood though. When I'm in a bad mood, not even my closest friends can get me to go out and be social. I just become like this lifeless zombie. I tend to have these real sudden ups and downs in my life that I don't have control over. When I reach my highs, I feel normal, but when I hit my lows, I have a hard time taking control of my life. This is one of the reasons I've had trouble sticking to detoxes like this in the past. When I hit those lows, I just stop giving a fuck and go into week, two week, 4 week, 2 month, and so on, gaming binges. I didn't plan on posting something this personal on GQ, but I've actually recently was diagnosed with Persistive Depressive Disorder (PDD) and Other Anxiety Disorder. I never intended to get tested, but I actually went to see a psychologist since teachers, family members, and a few close friends thought I had ADD, including myself. I got tested for that, and after 12 hours of tests, the doctor told me my trouble studying and focusing doesn't come from having ADD/ADHD, but a depression problem. To be honest, I've thought since high school that I had a depression problem, but it was always intermittent so the moment I felt better at all, I would tell myself that I'm weak and that I'm a child and just need to deal with my problems on my own and grow the fuck up. I also have gone through my whole life basically blaming myself 100% for any issue I've had or and mistake/decision I've made. The one good thing about this is that I'd take responsibility and really try to address my problems. The bad thing about this that I learned over time is that by blaming myself 100% for any issue, I'm assuming that I have 100% control over everything that happens around me so I am 100% to blame and should be able to fix 100% of the issue. This is just not he way life works. We have very little control over what happens around us and we need to try to take charge of the small parts of our lives that we actually can have control over. Blaming yourself for everything forces you to take responsibility, but when you blame yourself for the things you don't have full control over like your depression and anxiety, you just spiral in this destructive cycle endlessly. This is what I've done for I'd say 8 or 9 years now and it's time to admit that I need to reach out for help. I was recommended to seek counseling which might possibly mean I'd get recommended anti-depressants, which I've been strongly against my whole life. I was recommended this just as I was leaving home to do my internship, so this won't happen till I'm back home later in August. While away, I started to tell myself again that I am responsible for my depression and can fix it on my own. After my depressive episode last night, I've reconsidered again and think I should seek a counselor when I'm back home. I don't think I would have come back to that conclusion unless I started this gaming detox. I fell back into a gaming binge after speaking with that doctor, so I stopped caring about everything. I started getting brain fog, numbness, and went into auto-pilot again, so I really forgot about the severity of the conversation I had with the doctor. I kind of just said, "to hell with it" and spiraled back into a dark place. The detox cleared my mind right back up and reminded myself of the problems I'm facing both in terms of gaming and out. This post will serve as a reminder to me to take this seriously and seek help when I get back.
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