GrainSiloEnthusiast

Today I reset the laptop back to factory - now there are no games installed whatsoever. My wife is allowed to use it but she knows how to hide a program on one account and not the other so I told her to hide any games she installs. She'll probably just install Roblox at least to begin with, which I have absolutely zero desire to play anyway lmao. Now I need to move all of my photos onto that computer as it is going to be my primary computer. Saving, sorting, and viewing photos is one of the most important uses for my computer. I will also need to move all videos, text documents, and any other important files. Anything and everything I currently use the desktop for (which is my wife's computer now, she bought it from me and then upgraded it) needs to be moved onto the laptop. Although it is a gaming laptop and therefore overpowered for what I need, at least it should run well and it has a terabyte of storage. And it should work well for my wife as well. As long as we're together we will always share computers, but it really helps if we each have a primary device dedicated to ourselves.

YES we just started One Piece and I absolutely love this show. (I know I watched it as a kid but remember pretty much nothing of it.) Sounds like my wife... (Although ok in her defense she's been a lot better this past week lol.)

Sometimes I remember all the projects I left unfinished in games and get disappointed... But then I remember that I will never be truly finished. This applies to everything, not just games. I either quit now and save all that time or waste the rest of my life chasing that completionism. Better to put that same completionist energy towards my art and other such endeavors which will award real, tangible results.

Hugs! Thanks for the link, any such resources are appreciated. It's true, as gaming addicts it's too dangerous to dabble in anything we might find triggering. That's exactly why we highly recommend you don't watch gaming related content and try to build new relationships with people who don't game. I'm really glad thinks are looking up for your aunt, raising humans is rough!

Yes, exactly. Need to copy this quote down somewhere.

Today I will talk about how I do my chores, how I build momentum when I dread doing everything. Self-care is the utmost important part. If I'm hungry, or in a lot of pain, anything like that... I can't get anything done. I need to address those concerns first. Optionally I sweeten the deal by listening to music, an audiobook, or a podcast. Other times I just enjoy the sweet sweet sound of not having my daughter screaming in my ear while other mommy watches her. Then I make a list. I make a very thorough list of everything that needs to get done that day. Longer-term projects have to go on a separate list, daily chores have their own dedicated list on our dry erase board on the fridge. I group like tasks together but I keep everything separate, you might consider grouping recycling and trash together but I find it is better if I write these both separately even if I end up being able to do them at the same time. This is because I am gamifying doing my chores, each thing I get to check off my list gives me a little satisfaction. For some people a longer list is more intimidating, but for me when it's a long list full of small easy to do tasks, I get more opportunities to check something off my list. Each time I check something off is a little victory, and that gives me momentum to keep going. So I start with the easiest chores and work my way up to the ones I dread the most. Some people say to start with the hardest thing because then it's out of the way, making everything else seem much easier in comparison. Sometimes I do that but oftentimes I can't. Doing the easier chores first helps me build momentum. At the very least I get those done even if I fail to do the more intimidating things, which is better than nothing at all. Usually though I find if I just start with one thing I can get everything else done. It's just about getting myself started. I left the room to make a salad, and I found myself putting away the dry dishes. After this small accomplishment I found myself writing my list and getting shit done. If I just get myself started, autopilot takes over. It's the same idea behind "just drive to the gym every day with your gear in the trunk, if you just show up you're likely to carry out the rest of the ritual."

Pretty sure my new NA sponsor is going to ghost me. I can't exactly blame her considering I had a breakdown on like the third day of her being my sponsor... But I mean we've known each other for a while too it's not like I'm a stranger... Feels shitty!

I hope to fucking god she never reads any of this. Lol. Even if I ever actually talk to her about what I feel I want to do it much more calmly and respectfully. But right now... Fuck it fuck you fuck everything.

Wow I have a partner that changes dirty diapers without being told? Ever choses to spend time with the baby because she wants to? Parent of the fucking year award! Apparently doing the bare minimum puts her way above a whole fucking lot of dads. How sad.

My entire fucking life has been a nightmare. I look back on my life as a whole and it's so fucking sad. I keep thinking I miss how things used to be (in this relationship) but it's actually always been like this except we used to not have a human baby.

WHY IS THIS THE PERSON I CHOSE TO REPRODUCE WITH. WHY DID I ONLY GET PREGNANT ONCE I FINALLY REALIZED ID BE A SHITTY PARENT AND FINALLY DECIDED I NO LONGER WANTED A BABY (I WAS ALREADY A MONTH ALONG WHEN I HAD THIS REALIZATION.) WHY DO I HAVE A FUCKING FIX EM COMPLEX AND DECIDED TO DATE SOMEONE COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH SUICIDE. WHY DID I HAVE TO DO SO MUCH SELF IMPROVEMENT TO THE POINT I SEE HOW FUCKED UP THE SITUATION IM IN IS.

Maybe I wouldn't feel as angry at her if she had at least tidyed up the baby toys in our room while I was gone all day with the baby at my mom's house. It'd be a fucking start at least. It takes 2 minutes to do, and she didn't even do that. I feel like our priorities are so extremely fucking different. I know for a fact she spent ALL DAY playing fucking Roblox while I was gone. She didn't even tell me I just know because that's all she does. Her gaming wasn't a problem for me before but now it is... But she wouldn't do anything else fucking productive even if she stopped. I know cause she got bored of all games like 6 months ago and took a break from them. When she doesn't game all she does is scroll reddit or other internet and watches shows. She's "too depressed to do anything else" but honestly I completely believe the way she is chosing to live is making her depression and suicidality worse. "Just break up" ain't so clean and simple when you got a 9 month old you both love and adore and that 9 month old's favorite person is her grandpa (my wife's dad) that you currently live with and your own dad is extremely abusive and untrustworthy and moving back in with your own parents is your only other option because both the economy and being unable to hold a job due to various physical and mental handicaps!!!!!!!! Plus you're fucking breastfeeding and the baby won't drink anything from any other fucking container and wants you more than anyone else over 90% of the time !!!!!!!!!

I want to write at length about my relationship problems but I've grown so accustomed to feeling like I can't talk about it with anyone that I don't even know where to start.

I just noticed it's day 14 of Nothing New 90, 2 weeks hadn't felt long at all. I'm really hoping this will help me kick my stupid compulsive accumulation habits. It's nice to go into a store knowing Full Well I won't get anything and I really will be just looking, because when I make a commitment I stick with it. All the things that make me go "I want it!!" I take a step back and remember I really do not need it and I'd probably lose interest quite quickly anyway. I already have everything I need.

I definitely feel a lot better about my TV consumption when I only watch with my wife. Yesterday I switched NA sponsors cause I need someone who can be a little more on my ass about things, I need someone to hold me accountable and responsible. My old sponsor was always there for me when I reached out but I had to actually reach out first, he'd never make the first move, making it way too easy for me to just not talk to him ever. He's still a dear friend to me and was totally cool about me switching. My new sponsor is a lovely lady I have been talking to daily for a while because we send each other daily gratitude lists, so I asked her for advice on the situation and she offered to be my sponsor even if only temporarily. We'll see how it goes!

When people in 12 step programs say "the disease of addiction" that's what they're talking about. We're addicts regardless of what "drug" we use, and even if we stop using the addiction is still lurking there. We're wired differently than non-addicts (that being said, ANYONE can become an addict under certain circumstances.) Once you're an addict, there's no cure, no going back to "normalcy". This is our new normal. We have to learn how to live with it, how to fight our cravings and strive to be better people. Fortunately, it can be done, it's being done all the time. People who struggle with addiction learn how to overcome their hardships and use healthy coping mechanisms instead, I've seen it happen and it's happened for me too. I still struggle daily but I'm the best me I've ever been and I'll keep striving to do better! With this goal in mind, I'll never truly be directionless. I think you're doing great. I hope you'll share your music with us!

Definitely waiting until at least the 90 day detox is over to decide but... I really can't decide if I should allow myself to use The Sims 4 as a building tool. I know, I've had this exact discussion before during a previous detox, but I really just haven't found any other suitable replacement. They make it so easy and so satisfying to build in, with lots of environments to choose from. I have really been able to use it as a creative outlet, I was even able to create a model of our room which I have actually used as reference when redecorating. I have drawn my creations, which lets me practice drawing environments and architecture. The biggest problem is, I'm afraid it would be a "gateway drug" of sorts. I've even stayed away from "doll makers" or virtual dressup dolls because I'm afraid it's too much of a video game for my addictive personality to handle, but I've always dreamed of making my own and would still love to do that some day! I'm afraid that if I allow myself to build in The Sims 4, I will think "well why not play House Flipper", "why not try Live Mode (in The Sims 4, the simulation part)", "why not play Minecraft in Creative Mode", "why not play Animal Crossing" ...etc etc so on and so fourth. Slippery slope. I'd like to try a year without gaming though, and I don't think I'd like to even open such an application in such a time. In other news... I've been watching more TV than I'm comfortable with. Usually I only watch shows with my wife which inherently limits me, but there's a few I've gotten into independently that aren't very up her alley so I watch them by myself. By TV I mean streaming services like Netflix, we don't do cable. It definitely feels less bad than watching copious amounts of YouTube (which now I basically only get on to see if ONE very small YouTuber has posted anything I want to watch and comment on) like I used to. I think it's less focus destroying to watch 1/2 hour to 1 hour of a show that's all on the same topic rather than 10-20 YT videos in the same span of time. Nonetheless, I feel I am overconsuming, so I must be. I need to find an appropriate limit. I've been reading a lot of manga on my phone lately, but I don't consider that a bad thing. It's a book, with pictures. Unless I feel it's causing problems in my life I have no qualm with that. I've been able to read a lot more this way, it's a lot more digestible than fully text books. The manga I was reading most until I caught up with where the translation ends is Blue Period, which is very inspiring for me as an artist, and even inspired me to create my own art collective! I've been quite productive lately though in spite of all that, there are just a LOT of hours in a day, and not all of them can be spent constantly working.

Made it to day 60!

59 days today, meaning tomorrow is 60 days! 2/3 of the way through the detox, and a keytag milestone in any 12 step program. How exciting!

May your uncle's memory bless you always 🫂

You should be able to direct message people actually, and don't be afraid to comment on other people's journals! We like being interacted with.

Found out my wife is using an old phone to AFK on a Roblox game she's been playing constantly over the last few weeks. Hate to say it, but I both relate and cringe very hard at that. Relieved to be free from such madness.

I will have to try CGAA!

I also have to add that... Spiritual awakenings might not feel the way you expect, you might not even know you've had one until you see it retrospectively. They are also not a one and done thing, I have had many and most of them seemed mundane at the time they actually occurred. It's more like opening a window and letting the breeze in than jumping out of an airplane most of the time, but I think we always expect it to feel like jumping out of an airplane!!

I relate SO HARD to this omg. I didn't read the whole book but Alan Watt's "This Is It" really puts into words what I believe about life and existence... This is it. Literally. There are no ~mystical magical experiences~ to have because... this already is one! This is it, the whole point, the whole meaning to being alive. Just be.