[Ari's Recovery Journey]

@Erik2.0 Thank you so much!🥰

I think I should take a little bit of a break from this site, I've been checking it rather compulsively lately. 
I woke up late today because I woke up to pee and couldn't get back to sleep for a long while. Super annoying. 
Other than that all is going quite well so I will check back in later, not sure how long it'll be.

[piece of life, peace of mind]

Getting outside and being active is an accomplishment! Rest is just as important as being productive anyway. Let that have been a Sabbatical and just pick it back up the next day!

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

Today is day 14!!! I've made it to two whole weeks!!!!

I woke up shortly before 9:30 today, not exactly sure when but it was 9:29 the first time I checked my phone.
I've been following my morning routine and it's been working out. I really like the "sit outside" part. My wife's been joining me.

I started working on a list of reasons why I quit gaming. Getting some "4th step" vibes lmao. 
Boils down to neglecting my chores, wife, and cats, being a huge bitch,
and games suck all the energy and motivation out of me that I need for creating art, playing instruments, and exercising.
Only 17 bullet points so far, inspired by someone who came up with 50, but I think it's a good list and I'll add to it as I think of things.
When I'm done I'll probably condense it down to a few points and make like a poster or something to motivate me to keep going.

Yesterday I finished up this coloring page: 

And also colored the original myself with my new colored pencils:
 

I'm really proud of myself cause THAT THING WAS HARD!
It's not the most impressive looking thing I've ever done but it was technically difficult.
Rarely do I ever use pencil under-sketches, especially for mandalas most of the time, but it was very necessary to pull this one off. 
Inspired by a design I saw at my heart appointment and Celtic knots in general.
 

[May Recap - What Are You Celebrating?]

On May 22 I quit for good! I got back into making art and got into playing instruments. I've also been spending a lot more time outside and practicing mindfulness.

[Clean for a month!]

That's amazing progress in just 30 days, excited to see you grow!

[Diary]

@BeautyInTheStruggle I watched that video last night and I found it very enlightening.
Explains why I've had so much mental resistance to cook or wash dishes.
Thank you for posting it!

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

Today is day 13.

Woke up at 9:45 again. Should be able to maintain this, and it feels so much better than waking up at 11 or later.

We walked our cats today. Yes, with leashes and everything, like doggies. We have dog-cats. Shiro even plays fetch!
They always get a kick out of that, even though they primarily spend the entire time eating grass. We should grow some cat grass...

After that we went to Michael's since they're open again finally and they were having clearance sales + a 20% off entire purchase (barring clearance items) coupon.
I try not to over-shop so Michael's is a place I have to go to only rarely... art supplies my biggest weakness. But I did get something kinda big today.
I got these Zebra Zensations Mechanical Colored Pencils (24 pack) and a pack of refills. They're refillable! I'm big on less-wasteful art supplies, so it's a good investment.
I am excited to use them so hopefully that will get me drawing today. At the very least I will be swatching them. Swatching new supplies is so satisfying...
They'll be better for my colouring book too, since I won't have to worry about having a blotter page and I won't feel like I'm wasting them if I can refill them.

I've also been using this app to practice reading music. It's been super frustrating, but of course it is, I just started.
I really want to learn how to read music, and how to "properly" use my instruments, even though my primary goal is just to have fun.
I don't really care about being "good" at music or instruments. My primary focus is illustration, I don't plan on trying to be a musician.
If I was going to take anything seriously wrt music I would focus on singing because that's what I have the most experience with anyway.

Now my wife and I are cooking lunch together, honey garlic salmon and home made mashed potatoes!
We haven't actually cook cooked.... since some time before the miscarriage honestly. It's been a While so cooking fell out of our comfort zones...
I'm so excited to eat the "fruit" of our labour!

Edit: It was fucking delicious.

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

So it's 16:20 (420 lmao) and I'm still kicking. Caffeine is helping somewhat. I have to be careful not to overdo it though cause it can give me anxiety. My wife and I like to call it anxiety juice lol.

Echocardiogram went well! Really nice ultrasound tech, the whole thing was interesting and even entertaining.

[TheNewMe2.0's Journal - A Better Life]

Oh man, I kinda wanna change my name too. I didn't realize that the t at the end would get separated from the rest ahaha

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

Today is day 12.

I woke up at ~9:45 naturally! Our eldest cat screaming at the door helped though. I swear she can SENSE when I wake up.... like spidey senses... lol.
I probably didn't fall asleep until 3 or maybe even 3:30 depending on when I actually got into bed, but given I have things I have to do today, 6 hours is likely doable.
Usually 7 hours is the bare minimum for me to get through a whole day without literally passing out at some point, but let's just see what happens!
I was really lucky today. I usually wake up to pee on 4 or 5 hours of sleep like clockwork. Today I slept 6 hours straight.

Last night after I finished writing my reply, I drafted a quick morning routine:
  Wake up, drink water, make bed, go pee, brush teeth, wash face, feed the cats if my wife hasn't already,
  get my coffee, sit or walk outside and drink coffee, eat something once hungry.

Now I didn't do these things in that exact order, since I woke up before my wife I had to wait to make the bed, but I did all of those things!
Brushing my teeth in the morning and washing my face are two new things for me. I was only brushing my teeth at night, out of laziness and no other reason.
I always feel good when I brush my teeth though, so I'm going to do it more often starting now. I'm going to make twice a day my new bare minimum.

I'm going to try to make 9:30 - 9:45 my new normal wake up time for now. Once that has become normal, then I will work toward 8:30 - 9, and so on.
I'm also going to work on drafting an evening wind down routine and set a bed time that will keep me on track.

Excited for my echocardiogram appointment, I think it's neat as hell to see my insides.
Hopefully having a busy day ahead of me can keep me awake and alert so that I'll be able to sleep early tonight!

 

[Question About Certain Mobile Apps]

Most of those mobile games you listed are also real-life games. Mahjong is actually a really good game for sharpening memory and observation skills. 

But people have even been known to get addicted to online chess. You can become addicted to Literally anything.
If it's habitual and then makes your life unmanageable, BAM! Addicted. So all things in moderation 🙂

I think as you describe it now, those games are safe to play. I also suggest trying the physical counterparts as well though!
There's something so satisfying about the tactile sensations of real card/board/pen & paper games. 

[Playing with friends]

You might end up needing to find new friends. I know it sucks, but it's like that with all addictions.

When I quit drugs and alcohol, a few of my friends, who were LONG term friends, had to go bye-bye completely.
Being around them, or even just talking to them over the internet was unmanageable. Their lives entirely revolved around drugs.

The people who are meant to be in your life for this phase of life, will understand and try their best to accommodate these changes.
The same people will not be in our lives forever, thus is the nature of life. Hopefully the friends you already have will be understanding though.

I do not recommend "gaming socially" to anyone here, because like "smoking socially" or "drinking socially" it is far too easy to slip back into old habits.

[i lost my interests]

My wife feels that way, chronically. Sounds a lot like depression, which is really common in addicts of all sorts so it's pretty likely.

[Who else here is battling other addictions? (May contain triggering or upsetting content!)]

11 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

I don't check this site very often so I'm just now seeing this. I'm very much the same in that I quit a very persistent alcohol habit of over 15 years and then realized how much of a problem gaming was. The two were hand in hand for me. It requires endless vigilance for people like me because there will always be something to get addicted to no matter what I try to avoid. For example even without gaming and alcohol, I drink at least 2 liters of Diet Coke a day; I don't even like it. I know I still have countless traumas from my past a therapist is helping me work through but progress is insanely slow and I'm someone who needs things to go fast.

I've recently been reading the book The Myth of Mental Illness which is an old book and probably not completely accurate anymore but it makes a pretty good case for the idea that things like depression and addiction are the result of not knowing how to live rather than some chemical or genetic anomaly. That said, I've also read the book The Blueprint which claims nearly everything is determined by genetics so I'll have to parse the two and see which makes sense to me. Maybe a combination of both. Nature vs. Nurture is still hotly debated in psychology after all.

But I'm right here with you. I feel better than I ever have. Even when something bad happens it doesn't ruin my year like it used to. I got in a minor car accident a few months ago and it cost about $1,000 to fix. Not only did I have the money to pay for it, I rebounded pretty quickly and it wasn't even a concern a few days later. I feel like I'm finally living an adult life at 38.

Thank you so much for sharing your story!

I strongly believe that the majority of cases of depression and anxiety are from what we like to call "shit life syndrome".  Not a chemical imbalance, the inability to cope.
Though perhaps there might be a chemical imbalance somewhere in the mix, this type of depression and anxiety generally clears up when the individual learns effective coping mechanisms or changes life circumstances. This was very much the type of depression and anxiety I had, and to some extent still have. My depression cleared up a LOT when I moved out of my childhood home and away from my abusive father. PTSD and anxiety still lurk and occasionally rear their ugly heads but it's so much easier to deal with now.
(While on the other hand, my mom was diagnosed with depression at age 6, one of the earliest cases ever recorded at the time of her diagnosis back in 1973, her depression is a lot more the "clinical" type. So I think it's definitely nature and/or nurture! She also endured a hard life that made the depression worse than it would've been by itself.)

I rebound from tragedy far more quickly as well now. I miscarried in April, the baby was only 7 weeks and 4 days old, but it hit me way harder than I ever could have expected. I am still grieving and will forever be, as we move forward with grief rather than past it, but I am able to cope and go about my daily life again already. I am able to smile and laugh, I am even able to be grateful for her short life. I do not believe this would have been possible a few years ago. I was bedridden for a while following the devastation but I recovered much quicker than I ever would have previously. I handled a breakup with an abusive partner worse than I handled this miscarriage, because at that time I was still deep in my depression and active addiction.

May we all be successful in our battles against these addictions, and find fufillment in our lives! ❤️

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

2 hours ago, Marek said:

As you mentioned before, baby steps. It takes time. But it is not impossible. Fixing my sleep schedule was one of my hardest habits to change. Now about a month later, I can comfortably wake up around 6AM, and I used to consider myself a massive night owl. The main thing that helped me was to make a good evening routine to slowly wind down before bed. Focus on more non-screen related activities before bed + dimer lights, if possible. And to get out of bed, there are several apps which force you to do something such as scan QR code somewhere or take a picture that forces you out of bed. I used Alarmy in the past, and now I use Sleep as Android because it connects to my smartwatch. I would say that having a smart alarm made a big difference, too, especially in terms of the morning fatigue. 

Yeah... I've fixed my sleep schedule before... it always just takes a while to get me into the swing of things!!! I'm not sure if I'm gonna shoot for that early cause I kinda like my bedtime being around midnight. If I could be waking up around 8 reliably that'd be neat. My wife tends to wake up between 8 and 9 no matter when she goes to bed lol, I feel bad for her sometimes. 

And of course ironically I sit here typing this at 2:25 cause my best friend who I haven't gotten to talk to a lot recently was having an art stream.
I had a really good time so no regrets. I have to wake up by 11 no matter what tomorrow anyway, I have an echocardiogram apt that I have to be at by 13:45. 

I'm hoping I'll be running on almost exactly 7 hours of sleep tomorrow, that's my absolute bare minimum to get me through a whole day without passing out.
That way I will hopefully get sleepy early so I can go to bed early. Once I end up waking up at an earlier time by chance I'll try to make that the new normal until I wake up even earlier by chance, and so on. This whole thing isn't time sensitive at all for me, I don't even really NEED to be waking up earlier I just want to because I like mornings.

I will keep your advice in mind and try to create a good evening routine for myself soon! And maybe some form of morning routine as well...

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

Today is day 11.

Woke up at 10:50, fell asleep not long after 2 last night. So a little bit better than yesterday, because I didn't spend another 45 minutes in bed nodding off.
It's so completely impossible for me to wake myself up without checking my phone lately, and it's so annoying... just laying in bed and thinking makes me drift back off,
and I don't have enough energy to just jump out of bed like some people can. I wake up completely exhausted and fatigued no matter how much sleep I get.
I don't have that much going on on my phone though, no social media or games, so I just check my email... check my messages if there are any...
usually by then it's easier for me to not fall back asleep. There's probably an underlying issue causing the fatigue but there's a LOT of factors so I'm not sure what.
I'll do whatever it takes to not sleep until 14:30! Checking my phone for 10 minutes is not going to ruin my life. I can change that routine later anyway. Baby steps.

Today will be my first day of detox where I'm also not watching that FFIX playthrough, or any other games.
I have an ebook to read, an audiobook to listen to, a sketchbook to fill, several instruments I can play and/or study... and I can just sit around outside.

Speaking of which, I think it's about time I get off the computer and spend some time outside. Bye!

 

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

9 hours ago, Marek said:

@GrainSiloEnthusiast Congratulations on the 10 days, you will reach your goal in no time. Well, the piano seems like a great opportunity to try learning something new. I am kind of jealous, haha. I wanted to learn the piano when I was younger but never got to it. Although I was never good with music, so there's that, I guess. Keep up the good habits. 

I was never good with instruments, it's never too late to learn!
Remember, skill matters way more than "talent." Anyone can build skills! No matter how "naturally gifted" someone is, hard work and perseverance is the only thing that gets you anywhere. I was considered "talented" as a kid when it came to drawing, but I soon fell out of practice, and became too insecure to continue, setting me back by several years. I had to work like hell to get back to just being an average artist! You should totally snag yourself a cheapo keyboard and start learning, it's so much fun! I got mine for $60 at a pawn shop, which is cheap for an instrument. Even if you have to save up a little bit for one, I think it's well worth it. Music is so therapeutic, even when you have no idea what you're doing!

[I can’t get over my gaming regrets]

1 hour ago, LadyRen said:

Looking at the other people in my life who just dont care about these games as much as I do kinda helps.  I wanted to play FF7 remake.  But I know so many people with fulfilled happy lives, who dont play games.  If not playing FF7 isnt a big deal to them, their life is still pretty good regardless, then its probably going to be fine for me too.  There was ALOT of hype for that game.  Hype doesnt help.  It gets us excited about stuff we havent even experienced, and makes us want to experience it as soon as possible.  This has bothered me in the past, including with FF7 since it is only on PS4.  But im thinking forward now and im pretty sure im not missing anything for my life by not playing a game.

Another option is to read all the story/spoilers  so you know how it goes without playing it.

I can relate to this SO HARD. I felt that way about Animal Crossing: New Horizons so much that I bought an entire switch + accessories Just to play it. I got bored within a month.
I actually had more fun with the hype and waiting for it to come out, watching every little trailer over and over and all the trailer breakdown videos... 

I wanted to play FF7 Remake but ended up watching it on YouTube instead... and ended up not really liking it.
Which sucks a lot I'm a major fan of the original, and I've been excited about it since the original announcement and preview years and years ago. 

I'm actually really grateful for those two things, it helped me realize that no new game is going to be worth relapsing over, and avoiding the hype trains is essential.

[Diary]

You don't necessarily have to go cold-turkey right now, you can wean yourself. You should try to discuss this with your daughter and try to figure out other things you can do together, even if that's just phone calls...

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

Finally, I'm done watching that playthrough of FFIX. The story is so good, I definitely don't regret my decision to finish it up.
Knowing I can just watch story supercuts makes it a lot easier on me to let go of gaming entirely.
I'm not going to watch any other games until after the end of my detox though. There's not any I can even think of that I'm dying to watch anyway.

I want to now focus my attention on filling that sketchbook and learning about music and instruments, and even more away from screens.

We live in my wife's dad's house. The house came with a piano, as I've heard is not uncommon lol, people don't want to deal with moving the pianos.
My wife had actually bought a book to try to learn to play it before we met... "Alfred's Basic Adult Piano Course: Level 1". Talk about perfect??
I'm definitely going to be reading it. I also found a really good YouTube channel for learning as well.

All these things I always wanted to do but never had the motivation or energy to do... and suddenly I'm actually pursuing them.
What a god damn miracle!

[Starting over again]

Welcome back, very glad you are making such progress! 

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

Ok so, daily goals post. Here we go...

I use the "Goal Tracker" app on my phone to keep track of my daily goals because it's exactly like the X effect, just digital, and I can keep it going longer than 49 days.

My daily goals are: Fill at least one page in my sketchbook, fiddle with my instruments, and don't game.
My other general goals include: staying clean and sober, not overusing the internet, and spending time outside.

Not gaming is really self explanatory. Super easy now that I've rid myself of my Nintendo Switch and 99% of my PC games.
(Sims is still hanging out on my computer for now, I'm going to try that architecture program and see if I like it though.
Might be nice to have both, for variety. Unless I actually relapse on it, it's allowed to stay.)

Fiddling with my instruments is a really simple goal... I just need to pick up an instrument.
I don't have any set amount of time I need to play or study, once I pick it up those things tend to come naturally anyway.
I'm not really in a good enough mental place right now where I can reliably dedicate an hour or more a day to actual practicing. 
I want to get more serious about it in the future, but for now it's baby steps.

Perfect segue into my "Fill It Up!" Sketchbook Challenge [Easy Mode]
Here's the "rules", transcribed from my actual sketchbook:

• #MAKE BAD ART
  Tolerate mistakes, just keep moving. Patterns & lazy doodles encouraged!
• NOT JUST DRAWINGS
  Just fill pages, by any means necessary. Journal, paste stuff in, whatever! All efforts count toward daily quota!
• BETTER WITH FRIENDS
  Friends & family can fill pages, and it counts toward the daily quota!
• JUST DO IT, DAILY!
  Fill one or more page a day till done!

I've done this before, but with more rigid rules. I had to draw on at least one page a day and it had to be me doing it, anyone else filling a page was just a bonus. 
I was still allowed to do lazy drawings and patterns, but I pushed myself to at least do a mandala most days. There were at least 5 gingham pages though lol.

This time I started on May 17th, only a little over 2 weeks since we found out I miscarried, so I decided I'd go easy on myself.
I needed a way to slowly reintroduce my routine. I had stopped drawing when the pregnancy fatigue began to completely kick my ass,
and then the severe depression from the miscarriage did not help matters. Before that I had successfully drawn #At Least One Line for 242 days in a row.

I also just really want to be done with this sketchbook, it's too big for me. The pages are slightly bigger than printer paper.
I prefer to work a lot smaller, so it's been a struggle. Who knows, maybe this whole thing will change me! Haha.

I have missed one day of page-filling so far, and made up for it the next day with a whopping 3 pages.
However I am not the slightest bit upset about that missed day!
I missed that day because I was busy being intimate with my beautiful wife who I love more than anything!
Before I more likely would have stayed up too late binge-gaming and passed out before remembering to draw.
Relationships are the most important thing in my life, especially the relationship with my wife.
I will happily trade getting an checkmark on my goal for quality time with her. But I would prefer most to be able to balance all of these things 😉

I don't really keep track of daily staying clean and sober anymore because I've been doing it for over 19 months now.
I celebrate each month, especially the coin and key tag worthy milestones, but I don't really need to check off a box every day for it anymore.

I don't have any set measurements for not overusing the internet or spending time outside at the moment, so no boxes to check for those either.
They're more just things I keep in the back of my mind, and I try to be mindful about my internet use rather than habitual.
I have a personal value about not using the internet when I'm out and about unless it's immediately necessary for reference, so I try to hold myself to that.
"Don't get caught on your smartphone!" I tell myself. I want to set a positive example. When I answer a text, I put my phone right back in my pocket, just things like that.

That about wraps that up. Lord knows I love to type too much so let's just shut me up here!

 

 

 

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

Today is day 10.

Hard to believe I'm already 1/9 of the way through the detox! 

We went for a late night drive so I didn't get to bed until 2, probably didn't fall asleep until 2:30 or even 3. So not much better than yesterday. Wife needed that drive for her mental health though, and I'm always down for a drive. I woke up at ~10:45 or so but couldn't get up and kept drifting in and out until ~11:30. Woke up before noon though, even despite the rain, haha! I am extremely groggy this morning though.

Yesterday we got a small electric keyboard, 3 octaves, battery powered. I've Always wanted a keyboard, ever since I was a little kid. Even though I'm practicing minimalism I don't think 5 instruments is too many... It feels like the perfect number actually. Jasper (wife) figured out some more notes for 3pm, so now it's really starting to come together!

I almost forgot to fill a page in my sketchbook again, so i did a lazy pattern. "Lazy art encouraged!" Is right there in the rules I've made for myself...

I just realised I haven't actually posted anything about my sketchbook use it up challenge here. I will post more specifically about my daily goals in the next post, sometime a little later today unless real life gets me caught up in other things.

 

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

Today is day 9.

(Another entry written from my phone.)

Yesterday I was able to share my intention to quit gaming with my recovery community. Just as I expected, I was congratulated for a week free of gaming and told I was making a good decision. I enjoy bringing to light that anything can be an addiction and that all addictions that cause problems in your life are worth fighting.

Today I woke up at noon yet again. I was having a rough night last night and we stayed up until 3 😕 I'm tired of waking up this late. Readjusting my sleep schedule is always utter hell... I don't have any time sensitive responsibilities on a regular basis, so I should take it slow. I'll make it a point to go to bed earlier tonight at the very least.

The best thing about the Animal Crossing series for me was the music, so we've decided to learn some of the songs on our instruments. We've figured out some of the notes for 3pm from Wild World, probably my favorite song from the whole series. 

Most of the songs I have interest in learning are from video games actually haha. This makes sense tho because a lot of the games I played are known for having excellent sound tracks. I think it's a good way to honour the nostalgia without having to go waste time by playing the games again. 

My life feels like it has been refreshed now that I'm not gaming and have intention to truly quit. Yesterday was a very busy day filled with ups and downs but overall everything feels a lot better and more real. I want to be in tune with my body and the world around me. I like this new way of life.

[I'm bored when I play games but I still want to play them]

In all addictions we consistently chase that first high and the best highs. I am in a very similar boat to you, I am completely bored of video games but for a while I still felt compelled to play them. I bought a bunch of games I didn't need, some of which I never even opened once before deciding to quit. I replayed FFVII and FFIX near the end because I got a lot more enjoyment out of replaying games from my past than any of the new games I tried, because I wanted that high of those specific games and all the memories that came with them.
And frankly, a lot of the time, playing games is a waste of time. Even with games with really good stories, I find it more worthwhile for me to just watch the cut scenes on YouTube rather than spending another 50 hours grinding.
I personally don't feel like I'm wasting time by watching movies but that's probably because I primarily watch non-fiction educational movies or very well made art pieces of movies and have very high standards for what I'll actually sit all the way through.