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Ikar

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Posts posted by Ikar

  1. Day 61:

    I didn't have a schedule for today and I think it showed. I did Duolingo, washed the dishes, successfully practiced building a tent I'll be using for Iceland, worked out, sent the essay to my friend, did some groceries and got more tips for Iceland from friends.
     

    Spoiler

     

    I spent a lot of the day thinking whether writing the letter to my ex from Iceland is a good idea or not. I'll go with yes, but I take the wow it's gonna be the last one if she doesn't respond, I won't cast pearls before swines. Reason for that being is that I may have sounded like too much of a preacher and didn't articulate my ideas clearly before. I'll do that as best as I can.

    The contents will be the external hell she knows to be true, as almost every other reasonable human being does and working up from there. I will believe in what I write. Why? Because I live it.

     

     

  2. @ElectroNugget Myself, I shared my opinions on my childhood phase with my family quite recently, just so they know and perhaps can follow my train of thought and I slowly begin to see that problems are there to be solved, not to be ran away from, otherwise they'll just bounce back on top of other new problems. Problems are good. Taking a break to see that things are going well is also good. You don't even need anyone else to help you solve yours, so that's even better!

    Exes are rough to deal with. On one hand, they know you better than anyone else (and there's tons of value in that, especially if you can get an honest conversation going), on the other, there's something in that why you parted (and usually not on good terms). If it was serious, both of you did something wrong along the way (so you can't blame it on the other) or there was something wrong to begin with. There's also gonna be a point when you have to draw the line, where you just stop worrying about what they might tell you, because it's been such a long time ago that the information isn't valid (something I am figuring out myself right now). And no matter how close you are to someone, telling the truth is rough and they need to not only trust you, but trust themselves to trust you and you can't trust yourself, if you keep questioning everything, because you are depressed (generally for the reason you're not honest with yourself and don't trust yourself).

    4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    When you give all of that up you realize how hard it is to replace it all. Finding enough hobbies to replace video game usage is difficult. You gotta find out why you gamed through the types of games you played and the environment you craved.

    Good line, I've read it before, but it is important to realize that.

    4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    We constantly think about how to improve ourselves and don't appreciate any progress we make. We constantly seek perfection, but perfection changes in our eyes every few months. I bet months ago you'd be happy to just draw. Now you might want to draw perfectly or something.

    This is why I like monthly summary. It helps keep progress in the grander scheme of things and it's also a good indicator of where you are heading and what your goals are. I don't think anything is a goal, unless you work towards it at least once a month.

    • Like 2
  3. I got back on FB a few days after about 2 months (I quit FB before I quit games), but for a very pragmatic reason of seeking job abroad, as it's amazing how many people it connects, how many opportunities it creates and how easy is it to use. I'll get rid of it again after I find what I'm looking for, though I wish everybody got back to text clients like QIP or Skype. At least WhatsApp is getting decently popular and Messenger is an option too.

    • Like 1
  4. Day 59:

    In the morning, I drove my car for a checkup which turned out okay. After that I bought the tent, mattress and, most importantly, manicure scissors. I shopped regularly a bit too. After lunch, I got the dishes washed, wrote the summary above and Duolingo and went English teaching afterwards. I solved some Internet issues in the evening and now I'm writing this and relaxing.

    I feel pretty on point the past few days, time just flies by and my things get done slowly, but surely.

    • Like 1
  5. Damn, you are indeed getting hammered, the past catching up to you and the present stacking up together to get you. However, there's always possibility for redemption, especially if one is able to alter his approach and mindset.

    I've put in my feedback on long-distance relationships before. At some point, the couple has to close in the distance and actually start being together and so that means at least one of them is moving. It's quite the commitment and the clock doesn't stop, so I'm seeing a faulty pattern there. She can still support you if you are friends too.

    Don't idolize your past work experience. At some point, you realized that it's better if you do your own thing. Unless it was legitimately as enjoyable, fun and meaningful as your painting hobby is right now, you did the right choice. Don't judge yourself too harshly, you wrote yourself that the past weeks you're making significant progress.

    The future is still there for you, even if there's still gonna be several nasty surprises connected to the past. If everything else fails, you have two goals. Don't game and live. As for responsibility, it's something you adopt yourself, it's not something you randomly get. University might give you the paper that you are a student, but studying is on you.

    I hope I didn't sound like too much of a preachy SOB, I'm trying to work with whatever information I've been given and I might be missing something. Hope this helps!

    • Like 1
  6. Here's my monthly summary again.

    Game Quitters - I'm trying to be a worthwhile member of the community.

    physical development - I have some "extra" movement about 90% of all the days, which means I either cycle or go out with my basketball for about 30 minutes on a daily basis, so my endurance is definitely going up.

    mental development idols - In the past month, I think I prioritized practical matters like university and Iceland preparation. I still read 12 Rules and listen mainly to Peterson, but not as much as before. Self-authoring is still something I'm working on every now and then, though I'd like to do more of it.

    going out more/new people and screen time reduction - Taking on extra responsibilities definitely helps with the screen time reduction and there's always plenty to do and fix, if you look around enough. I think I meet quite a bit of people, the trouble is that I don't meet them on a daily or semi-daily basis to really establish some more meaningful connections faster. I feel fairly confident talking to people, I believe teaching helps with that.

    uni - 100% done and continuing in about 3 months.

    English teaching - I'm fairly confident in it, I think I can provide a reasonable performance and experience both at the same time and I think my students are enjoying that. It helps with socializing, discussing ideas and I even get paid for that. What a deal! I wrote that before, but it's still valid.

    my business - This has to be tackled when I return, perhaps even more than the university. Searching for possible employers and students is crucial towards my growth.

    Iceland - I might have a bit of a pickle here. I know a friend of mine went there Bear Grylls style (he had a tent and sought job on the spot) the last summer and everything worked out for him quite decently. I'll commit to doing that if absolutely necessary, though I'd prefer to have my comfort. I still have a bit more than a month to sort this out. It turns out that's exactly what it's gonna be, for the first few days anyway, because I got nowhere sending emails. I'm getting my gear together and if everything goes to hell job-wise, I'll just walk around there for a month, visit some sites and go home. Nobody can rob me of that, except if they took my tent away on the airport check-in, but I hope that won't happen!

    family - I shared my story with my brother and he shared his with me about a week ago, it was a good talk. I feel like my parents got a bit more cheerful and less negative as well. My mom is definitely happier with my newfound sense of responsibility and I think my dad noticed I do more and talk less as well, which is exactly what he does when something needs to be done.

    Russian - 32 days streak on Duolingo, just thought it'd be nice to share.

    And last but not least:

    dating - I don't think I've been on OKC seriously for over two weeks and I'm turning towards the fact it's not worth it, especially if they took away the direct messaging system and I've ran out of girls within reasonable distance. I think I used Tinder for 6 months and OKC for 3 months before I met my ex. I think I'm better off picking up some hobby and meeting someone there, so I need to conjure up some social hobbies. As for my ex-girlfriend, I think I got the main points across and a plan on that yesterday. The truth is, our past united us in the past. Working towards being more desirable to women goes in the same direction as being desirable to her and that goes in the same direction to being desirable towards myself and I can never separate that from each other.

     

    AFTER ICELAND - priorities:

    hobbies: modeling (WWII stuff), paintball, geocache, drumming (yoga?)

    Meditate

    my business/English teaching

    university

    (whatever happens and springs to mind while there)

    • Like 1
  7. Day 58:

    In the morning, I mowed the lawn, I also made a call to check up my car tomorrow. I did Duolingo and some heavy Iceland research overall throughout the day - jobs, clothes, gear insurance, basically everything. I decided to postpone going to the shop for the tent for that matter, so I can buy everything relevant there all at once.

    I visited my grandma. For whatever reason, she and my mom seem quite hell-bent on me sending a letter to my ex, stating the fact I finished my first year on the university. She already mentioned it the last week, but I conjured up something better - sending her a letter from Iceland. There's a very personal element to doing that, as it was a decision/wow to my ex I made in November the last year. Back then, I wanted to get out of the country and she gave me the destination, so combined, it turned out perfect, even if she's not around.

    There was a period when we communicated after we broke up, especially after I joined GQ. I was fairly direct about throwing "truth-bombs" my way as I came up with them, but once I got around what is needed to sort myself out, I realized what is needed for her to match my new standards. While I was serious and honest communicating my flaws, she wouldn't take kindly whatever her mistakes could've been in my estimations. Perhaps I sounded like a parent, a bit patronizing, but the saying "Takes one to know one." applies to narcissists 100%, since I never got a serious message back from her.

    Since the "truth-bombs" already fell, I plan my letter to be kinder than whatever I sent before, as I want her genuine response. Perhaps some things clicked for her as they did for me. Realizing I was unconsciously malevolent towards her in the relationship in some very subtle ways was quite a discovery. Even I realized that there was a long way of struggles I had to go through before I found GQ and that it's those small steps forward that eventually got me here.

    It'll be a test; she's either stuck in her own personal hell, that I got to know very well and that I can point my finger at and say "Hell is real.", or she's working towards becoming a better person. Either one is motivating for me. People are peculiar beings though and I believe everyone is digging their way to hell and building their staircase to heaven at the same time, it just depends on whichever way you work in faster.

    I legitimately think my consciousness got upgraded to see that clearly, among other things. I'm more responsible; I work out, educate myself, plan the trip, help around the house more, connect to parents and friends better and plan my actions better. I wasn't able to do that with her around, so I doubt the fact I'd be secretly desperate to get her back.

    I had fun English teaching today, playing some games with the students. I think I am striving towards "English - experienced" more than "English - taught" approach and I think that's good.

  8. Day 57:

    In the morning, I made the selection for the tent, I'll pick it up tomorrow morning, along with some other small stuff. I'm writing an evaluation for my teacher friend about the experience during the weekend, as he wanted some feedback and I got my thoughts together. I did some research into spirituality and masculinity. I taught in the afternoon and had fun with it! Right now I am scanning for whatever I've left undone today and planning ahead for tomorrow.

  9. 38 minutes ago, ElectroNugget said:

    Your written English is very good man. I never got the impression you were less than fluent. Good to hear you had a good trip! Nearing two months clean, make sure you congratulate yourself for that properly. Keep it up dude!

    Thanks! I'll do that by writing a summary of the past month again. I also need some outline for Iceland, so I am not totally lost when I land!

    16 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

    Are you a hockey fan?

    I watched the world championship recently quite a bit, but otherwise I don't seek hockey actively.

  10. Whew well, sucks to hear that. Take your time on it and see what you can make up of it and don't do anything fatally stupid. Judging from the way you wrote it, you didn't expect that in the slightest and it was likely more or less on her decision.

    Even if her reason is valid and running a long-distance relationship is not easy (my ex would travel 3 hours by train to see me and I would have to drive half of that if I was seeing her), there's some merit in knowing that "sooner" (for women) or "later" (for men), you want to start living together and have some joint, shared vision of future together, because women are tighter on the biological clock (again, I think might've been relevant, if you dated for several years). Perhaps she couldn't articulate that well enough, perhaps you turned a blind eye to that aspect, who knows.

    Again, this is purely my perspective from your writing and don't you dare do anything fatally stupid. You'll get by, with or without her. Feel free to PM me, if you want!

    • Like 2
  11. 2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    That trip sounded fun. I'm glad you were able to enjoy it. Hopefully it gives you motivation to keep changing some things, not everything, but some things in your life for the better. Where is your native country again?

    It was great! It helps me keep the momentum going. I'm Czech.

  12. I was living with roommates for about 1,5 years, coming home only for weekends. Now I'm 21, back to living with my parents for about 1 year and I give them about 1/2 of the living expenses I'd have to cover normally. I think I'd prefer living alone, but the rent is hard to cover with anything less than a full-time job and I'd rather put that option aside, as long as I've some money saved up from before. I'm gonna go to Iceland to step out of my shadow soon though, so I'll have a blast, at least for a few weeks. If I had a girlfriend within a reasonable radius, I'd probably move in with her somewhere on the 50/50 basis.

    My parents are fairly reasonable to get along with, what irks me a bit is the fact that the household chores are not really systematized, so they poke me in the eye sometimes when I have different plans and stuff to do.

    Parents are an odd sort of people. They basically should be the gentle face of the society for you early on, but should turn towards being reliable friends later on.

  13. Day 55 & 56:

    The trip was great, it was a English-experience course, where I knew no-one, besides the teacher (who is sort of my English teaching idol and I like his style). I got to talk to foreigners from Austria and Finland, visiting the city for Erasmus and some other people. I'm happy to say my English is either on par or better than theirs! I enjoyed my time there, even if it was for a day and a half.

    I felt somewhat angry and contemplative when I came home to be in my old rut again, but I am happy about my Iceland trip, so I'll be independent again for some while and I'll surely enjoy it!

    • Like 2
  14. Day 54:

    I had a fairly diffused day today. I spent my morning primarily on reading articles. I also sent a letter and got through some GQ content. Afternoon I spent visiting a shop and my brother, having a good talk with him about relationships and psychology. I did Russian and played Scrabble with mom in the evening.

    I'm also leaving for a weekend trip, so tomorrow I'll either miss the entry completely or just write it down for the count. It should be a blast!

  15. 12 hours ago, James S. said:
    She didn't know my addiction to video games due it not being a topic at the time. It was a long distance relationship between Connecticut and Arizona. At the time I knew I had a problem with gaming, but I didn't know how to label it. My gaming addiction was low on the totem pole at that time. 
     
    I moved to Arizona and we started from scratch. It took a number of months for me to put her old laptop together. Eventually I got my own computer and I started to game again. We married before I started to game again.

    What a sacrifice to move through half the US just to live with her! That said, it's interesting that the problem bounced back again, but electronic devices are everywhere nowadays. My attitude towards gaming was generally: "I know this sometimes sucks, but what else am I gonna do?"

    12 hours ago, James S. said:

    The glue that kept us together was God and love. We both came into the agreement that I was her God chosen husband and she is my God chosen wife. We are total opposites. she is a fireball and I am ice. She would get set on fire with a problem, I had to walk away and pray. She cool down and we work it out. After the forgiveness we would come back stronger from the ordeal. I had my emotional problems, a child that never became a man and she was an abused girlfriend of other men. She seen the absolute worse in me and I have her. She is my best friend and I can't image life without her. 

    I had no self confidence in myself but she seen the gold in me. I found she was humble, which to me is worth it's weight in gold. God been the one to melt our cold hearts when thing gone south. 

    Having recently watched a lot of Jordan Peterson's lectures, I've been trying to conceptualize God and Ten Commandments and I think they are somewhat synonymous to "being responsible and sacrificing present for the future and thus having a good life", assuming there's a relatively stable society around. I'm from central Europe and if breaking one of the Ten Commandments isn't outright punished by law (murder), then it's at least immoral (adultery) and might pave the way towards resentment that might breed murder, so I think that clicked correctly in my head recently.

    I also think we've seen the worst in each other, but I think we weren't responsible enough to stand it or perhaps help each other face our problems. It's easier to run away than to face your problems.

    12 hours ago, James S. said:

    I feel you on that. I had a hero's complex where I wanted to save everyone else but myself. I thought I could help my wife overcome her emotional problems and depression using the lessons I learned from God working on me. After my wife got hurt from betrayal of certain family members, her thyroid gave her serious trouble, ongoing battle with depression, and I over reaching to help others. My actions put my wife into the hospital for a suicide attempt. I had to learn the hard way to stop trying to save my neighbors and stay focus on my home. To get my wife the help she needs instead of thinking I could fix her. I paid my dues for being a fool. 

    Sounds like you did too. Just learn from your mistakes and let them help you grow stronger. For some people loving themselves is very difficult to do. 
    

    Damn, that's a pretty rough lesson to learn. I agree you have to love yourself, otherwise your life will be miserable.

    • Like 1
  16. Day 53:

    I got up well rested today. I did some of the self-authoring of my past, trying to get into the meditative mode, half-dreaming and half-conscious and I almost fell asleep during it, I still got something done. It's hard to put a time-frame on something creative. I also did some research on buying a tent and I plan to continue that tomorrow, so I can buy one to test it the next week for my big trip, as well as thinking about what will I need with me and perhaps what else to buy. I did Russian and read a few pages of 12 Rules. The whole day felt a bit diffused, as it was semi-planned, but I knew what I had to do and still got the work needed done. I didn't work out though, because my favorite spot was taken and I feel a pit peeved about not having too much movement today.

  17. Day 52:

    I didn't get as much sleep as I usually do. I felt anxious about my preparations for Iceland and there were also mosquitoes buzzing around, so I messed up my sleep by relapsing on my "porn".

    In the morning, I had planned an early dentist appointment that was faster than expected. I spent rest of the morning napping, watching MoM ep. 11 (instead of writing in self-authoring and reading) and making preparations for English teaching, so I shifted my brain towards procrastinating on important things instead on focusing on very important things. I'll still take it as a win.

    The afternoon went quite okay, I did my dad a favor and visited a shop he wanted some parts from. I visited my grandma afterwards and we discussed family, relationships and I explained her how and why so many things "clicked" in my head recently, especially following the breakup with my ex. I think she was happy with me basically becoming an adult. I went teaching afterwards and it was in the similar spirit as yesterday, so we had a good time again.

    I helped my mom water the plants in the evening and discussed some relationship matters, I watched some Simpsons too.

    Overall a pretty good day, despite how oddly it started!

  18. I loved both the question and the answer of you two.

    On 6/11/2019 at 8:53 PM, fawn_xoxo said:

    May I ask, how much does it bother you that she is like this, and does it effect you and your relationship expectations in some way? 

     

    1 hour ago, James S. said:

    It bothers me a lot to see her in this condition. She has a lot of potential and time on her hands. Instead of using that time to better herself, she stuck in the quick sand. My expectations are low to medium for her due to health problems, but it hurts me to see her like that.


    YET other side of the coin when I became married the roles were roles were reversed. She was highly active and capable, and I was the damaged goods. Between her health and emotional problems that came later and my bad habits that kept manifesting. I paved the way for to become how she is today. She switched from "Gaming is causing problems", to "you can't beat them, join them" mentality. 

    My mind set is if I lead the way to get her in the current condition. Then I will have to lead the way out of it and set the example. 

    The bold part is what puzzles me. Did she know about your addiction before and were you in a state of a self-diagnosed addict or were you in denial? Were you married by that point? Was it the sole marital vow that kept you together in the toughest times, because it's the vow that cannot be broken and there's no other way out than to solve the problem? I'm interested in this, because even though I do not practice any religion officially, I think quitting games was a religious experience for me and I think I was able to purify a good part of my personal "addict deadwood".

    I'm also asking because I had this "narcissistic savior syndrome" at least partly in my mind when I started dating my ex. I was sure I could "help" her "cure" her depression and that this would create an unbreakable bond between us. It was a reasonable assumption, but I forgot about the fact I am probably no better off than she was, as all I did with my free time was gaming/Twitch and I gamed even more after I quit my job, quite early into the relationship. She left me eventually, throwing me into chaos and eventually allowing me to reform myself into a way more self-conscious and responsible person that I am now.

  19. Day 51:

    Today I did groceries, paperwork, paid a bill, made sure I have some of the equipment ready for my Iceland trip, read 12 Rules and planned ahead a bit more.

    It's been a pretty easy day and I thought the load on me would be higher, but I managed to do everything sooner than expected. I'm a bit confused about the fact, but it's no wonder, I know I should be bad at planning my time precisely when I just started to do so. I also officially finished my 1st year on the university with 100% of the subjects done, so hooray for me!

    I also read the rule 6 in 12 Rules. It really is amazing what human beings were capable of achieving so far and what we will be able to do in the future. I think I might be scratching the surface of what it means to be really grateful for something.

    In the English class, we discussed the necessity of responsibility, imagining what would we do if we had 10 million dollars. The students even brought some new insights into my mind! Nobody said that they would buy cocaine and OD on it, so I felt pretty happy about it, though one never knows until he has the money on the bank account!

    • Like 1
  20. 6 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

    Lots of text today, and I haven't even started doing that evaluation. Why does this have to be work? Guess the endless hours of fun in my younger years have to be redeemed some way. I played hard then, now I gotta work hard.

    There's some reconciliation in that. Gaming wasn't always fun, but sometimes it was. You could say you "worked" while gaming, just in the wrong direction or on the wrong project. 

    I think the same goes for life in general. Don't be afraid to work. Happiness isn't drinking margaritas on a beach for the rest of your life, if you happen to win the lottery. It's the continuous pursuit of something meaningful (that you can define yourself) until your death. The realization of that idea is terrifying and liberating at the same time.

    • Like 1
  21. I think you analyze well and in the correct direction, I feel a shift in your writing. Even if not, I believe the long-term (say a year) idea of just being on each others' throat seems dismal.

    Good luck with whatever decision you decide to make!

    • Like 1
  22. Day 50:

    I got up on time after about two weeks which is great! I skipped reading 12 Rules today and the paperwork, aside from that today went as planned. I met an acquaintance at the swimming pool as well! I feel thoroughly tired. From now on, I'll have my schedules in an Excel file. I'll get a lot of the one-time events out of the way tomorrow.

       
    • Like 1
  23. Hey! I wanted to thank you for your insights on the forum. Your advice always felt cohesive, well-written and, most of all, helpful. I've greatly expanded my view on religion since I quit games/Twitch, knowing there's probably more than scientific truth and that morality (imposed mainly by my parents) that guides me throughout my life had to be grounded somewhere else. I might have to read the Bible at one point in my life myself.

    Good luck in your endeavors!

  24. 8 minutes ago, Sweetjess1951 said:

    I don’t recall him playing as much as he does now, but he may have been in his best behavior.

    This is interesting, because I was in the same position about a year ago when I started dating my (first and hopefully last) ex. I was quitting a job I didn't like, expecting my new career to go smoothly, instead I ran into resistance I didn't want to cope with, so I retreated into gaming further.

    I'm still not very comfortable with this, but individuals need rules and so does a relationship. I genuinely believe most people are honest going into one. I also think this is the part that makes the start of the new relationship so exciting, but everyone needs standards and work out the negotiations, especially as the relationship progresses. "Date nights" might be even more important after the "dating" part of the relationship is over.

    But as I wrote before, it's mainly up to him to snap out of it. He may or may not do that ever. You can help him change himself, but you can't change him. Stay strong.

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