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Ikar

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Posts posted by Ikar

  1. Day 75:

    I am tired as hell.

    After work, I realized if I had been a couch potato, I would fall asleep immediatelly, so I forced myself for a short hike and managed to meet some locals and talked to them for a bit. After that, I was reading for an hour or so.

    I will wake up earlier tomorrow to have some more time to think, perhaps to schedule.

  2. Day 74:

    I am at the pig farm. There is about 8 of us, mostly Poles, with the houses next to the pighouses. We can generally understand each other after a bit of explaining, so that is good!

    Even though I am by myself and I just met a bunch of people, I am not afraid or anxious. I feel like I have developed a mindset of "What will be, will be." and learnt to take things as they come. I do not feel entitled to anything or expecting something to be X, or else.

    I think I enjoy the little things more. I will sleep in a bed after a week, even though I already got used to sleeping in a tent on an inflatable matress. I like taking a hot shower after doing some work. I like telling my friends over the internet about my crazy Icelandic adventure.

    I feel peaceful and meaningful.

    I am also a fair bit tired. I have been going through Mark Manson's website the past two days, so it is good to have some quality thought-stir around again.

    I will get a routine going for the next two months on the pig farm. Computer as the biggest distraction is gone for a week now and I want to continue that when I will get home again.

    • Like 2
  3. You will learn when you decide to learn. Life will kick in with stimuli for you to learn sooner or later anyway. My kick to quit gaming several hours a day was to discover the fact someone could dislike me on a whole new level I never imagined. Life is rough.

    Memory is a tool for avoiding stupid mistakes you experienced in the past, not a tool to remember facts. First one is emotional, second one rational, so I think the first one sticks better.

    Going from there, I know the pain of fragmented life too. I meet the same people on a weekly basis at best and this summer I decided to just blow everything up and work solo in Iceland. Some people stick and some do not. Some you find interesting and some you do not. It is natural. Choose your friends well and know why they are your friends, even if you see them a few times a year!

  4. @BooksandTrees I work voluntarily nowadays. Working on an Icelandic pig farm for a few weeks will be interesting, perhaps I will meet some interesting people and I can use the extra cash later when I know what to do with it. Money is freedom and time, so it is useful to have it around.

    Day 73:

    I chatted with the CZ people in the morning and they left to the north afterwards. I scraped together the few last places of interest in Reykjavik and went there. I got some info today about the job, so by this time tomorrow, I will be there. At last I will see same people on a regular basis again, as I should work there for two months.

    • Like 1
  5. @goodvibes This is an interesting lesson about the dark side of compassion, especially if almost everybody glorifies compassion today. It is even kind of self-fulfilling.

    You want to help others, probably even more than they want to be helped. They will mostly accept, as they can take their easy way out of the responsibility.

    Then you fall into the habit of being a martyr by being overwhelmed, so they get mad at you when you cannot keep up with all the work they kept piling at you and you basically robbed them of their responsibility earlier, so they are a bit lazier now.

    Nobody is happy in that scenario and everybody loses. Helping others is good if you can manage it, but helping yourself is even better and you can always do that.

    • Like 2
  6. 9 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

    Care to expand on this @Ikar? This interests me. Think in what way?

    Be mindful about what you do and how you feel about it. Perhaps by living a life that is exciting for you, as well as others? I am not sure what else to write!

    • Like 1
  7. Day 72:

    I did not start today well, I got through some job posts, but I got a bit peeved, as this has been going on for months.

    I actually got a job hit today though, so I am pretty excited about that. If they are legit, I will go for it.

    I also met some people from CZ in the camp, so it was nice to hang out with them for a while.

    Other than that, I feel somewhat stretched, but happy I finally came across something. I will try to feed my mind somethint before I sleep.

    • Like 2
  8. Day 71:

    I had a slight negative feeling of anxiety earlier today that I resolved by making more plans for tomorrow. It was work related, but obviously nobody would respond to me during the weekend. I will be more agressive in my job search.

    I sent the letter and a postcard home. After that, I visited the art museum. I also meditated a bit in the church. 

    I took it slightly easier on town exploration today, instead I focused more on work and thinking. Something good should come out of this.

    • Like 1
  9. Day 70:

    These days are crazy great. I feel like I experience so much stuff. Some are captured on photos, some might come up to my mind after a few years...

    I will try to get back to some sleeping and reading habits, because I successfully bombared any habit indiscriminately when I came to Iceland.

    Job search is well underway and Reykjavik is probably halfway explored.

    • Like 1
  10. Day 69:

    Missed an entry yesterday. I feel like I am still bombarded by a lot of impressions, although that is not really helpful, if I want to focus and think about something.

    I visited the church yesterday and sat down there to contemplate a bit. I thought about two hypotethical neighbors that didn't kill each other over a stolen chicken, perhaps just from the fear of holy revenge of some sorts, and thus worked out a peaceful solution.

    I also feel grateful for the fact that humanity has come along so far that I can use English, my home ID and home credit card to get me going in a developed foreign country. Doing that a century ago would be difficult and two centuries ago probably near impossible.

    So really, yay for humanity, even if we still do some pretty atrocious things to each other, physically and mentally.

    • Like 1
  11. The ways of how the world works are weird, but I got into my English business primarily based on what my gaming career provided. I am still working on the university, just in case I do poorly. 

    I read a proposition somewhere that you should thoroughly think about stuff you do daily (I guess weekly works too) for more than two hours. Massive pattern interrupt like I am doing right now is pretty amazing for thinking what do I need in life and what I do not need. All that is related to the hell one man's life can be without a real schedule, even if it would be imposed externally.

    • Like 1
  12. It is rough to sacrifice the present for the future. Everyone in their lives makes progress, to stop means death. If you are convinced you want to be an artist, you have to put in the hours and I believe you do that.

    Sometimes you got to remember the hell you would be in if you had not decided to quit. You got something better going for you now!

    • Like 1
  13. 9 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

    Good luck with the job hunt dude! Fingers crossed!

    I hear Iceland is very beautiful. Is it worth a visit? 

    I really need to finish reading 12 rules... never got past chapter two. You’ve put it back on the priority one list for me. Thanks. ?

    Two more days and you’re ten weeks clean! Huge achievement bud, make sure you celebrate it!

    Thanks! I just need one hit.

    I cannot say yet, since I am here for a short time and did not see much, but the ads and pamphlets say it is, so I will believe them for now!

    Rule 3 I had to read twice, because it was that great and heavy-hitting. I really like the idea of dissecting problems down to their core and acting from there and that responsibility is basically a religion.

  14. Day 68:

    I feel like my brain insists on feeling weird, despite putting in some effort. I  asked a few people and handed in a few CVs personally. So I think the mistake was perhaps feeling anxious, just because I felt I could get the job on the spot somewhere.

    Other than that, I wandered around the immediate area of Reykjavik, exploring and basically ready to be excited and I indeed did find a few nice places. I walked a TON.

    I will give the jobhunt a week and if it goes poorly, I will just trek/stop/bus around, until I run out of ideas where to go.

    I finished 12 Rules today and it has been a great read. I could not help, but nod when I read some of the passages, primarily resembling my family, my ex and ultimately myself. 

    I will try to assemble my thoughts better the next time, I feel somewhat scattered.

    • Like 2
  15. Day 66:

    I did Duolingo in the morning, a bit of Jocko with Peterson and Rubin with Tolle to help me out with the letter. I'm quite happy about it, as I can say I can see the actual meaning behind what I write and I am getting better with turning my words into reality and I think that's good and appreciated by virtually anyone around me.

    Well, damn. I finally got hit by some actual fear and anxiety today! It was about time. This must be the most mentally demanding day of my detox, even if it's completely unrelated to games. I feel a bit paralyzed and easily distracted, but it helped I didn't leave everything for the last day. I set up everything I could to the best of my ability, experience and time and we'll see how that plays out.

    Everything is sort of in the air, so I am not sure when/if I will report from Iceland, but I will have to confront the unknown on the spot before conjuring up a plan on how to deal with it.

    • Like 5
  16. Day 65:

    I watched an old JP lecture to get me into a good contemplative mindset for writing the letter (spoiler). Then I got an unexpected message that sucked about two hours of my time. However, after some calls and mails I basically made a very nice amount of money out of the initial issue. Solving problems actually works! I read a bit of 12 Rules to get me into the contemplative mindset again to write the letter. It's gonna be tough, but I'll try to finalize it tomorrow. I'll do the same with a few pieces gear that might be handy, as I'm already packing whatever I'll need.

    In the afternoon, I went English teaching and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I visited my brother and said goodbye to him. Right now, I'm just dead tired, which means I did a good job today!

     

    • Like 1
  17. Day 64:

    I went for a car checkup in the morning, got some info on internet roaming and travel insurance. I visited grandma in the afternoon and said goodbye to her, as I'm leaving soon. I went English teaching afterwards and did some checks on my equipment in the evening. What I didn't do was writing the letter, but I won't to be sharp on that and hence I'll do it tomorrow morning. I also didn't read 12 Rules today, but I will catch up on that tomorrow too.

    • Like 1
  18. Day 63:

    Today's been pretty good. I slept in quite a bit after the last night. I got quite a few things regarding my Iceland trip straightened out amd I read 12 Rules. I also managed to write more of the letter which is important, as it also helps my mind to be more articulate. I also worked out in the evening.

    • Like 2
  19. I follow you with being superficial on the internet, but I think it really comes from boredom if you just chat about nothing with someone. It can happen IRL too though. I prefer talking about profound things with people and while a well-asked question can snap me into that mode, it takes some time to engage in a genuine conversation. I noticed a spike in total time in that mode after my ex broke up with me and I think that's good.

    Schedules are also good or at least to-do lists. Yesterday-me probably had a good reason to put these things in for tomorrow!

    As for achieving in games, it's rough. Generally, it's a good idea to not stake 90% on one card in life to define your purpose/meaning, because if it's gone, you're 90% gone too. The chaos either kills you or perhaps makes you realize there are more things in life to live for that was previously your 10%.

    The point is to have a plan in games, before you get sucked in and have the game plan for you by reaching the unreachable top. Games are great for marking progress too. Maybe your plan is to have rank 10 in HS, have a K/D over 2 in CS or play some old-school 2000s single-player RPG from start to finish with all the quests, but you gotta decide for yourself.

  20. Day 62:

    Yesterday I did Duolingo, played Scrabble, read quite a bit of 12 Rules, visited a concert and hanged out with high school friends for quite a large part of the day. It was quite nice talking to them! I got home pretty much in the middle of the night, so I left journaling for today.

  21. 2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    After the bad relationships I've been a part of and seen in my life it makes sense that I'd be avoiding them. I really don't want to deal with another person's emotional insecurities and issues. I don't feel like committing myself to someone who I know is going to hurt me. Why would I take the chance of that happening? 

    I realized it's kinda interesting how this works, but it seems to me that every single relationship you have (including one with yourself) is affected and affecting the other ones. For example, I don't think one can conjure up a great romantic relationship if his family is in disarray, working on truces rather than co-operation and his friends are few and the connections bland. That's really a lot of weight the romantic relationship would have to pull to be more than the horrid combination of the above, because one just doesn't have the means.

  22. 8 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

    I have one ex in particular who I was with for five years who I somehow still carry a torch for, four years later. She's married now, and here I am, unemployed, depressed and alone. I don't know if it's her I really miss, or more just the validity, purpose and support she brought to my life. I don't know if I'll ever feel like that again.

    You can feel like that again, I am sure of that! There's not gonna be any shortage of hard work while doing that though.

    8 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

    Anyways, what's the format of your monthly summary?

    I go over my diary, write down whatever important areas of my life I can think of and track progress on them. If it's a priority, I should progress towards it at least once a month!

    8 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

    I feel like I positively radiate negative emotions. When I came home tonight and talked to my parents about it my mom got really upset about it. I can tell being here so long and my long struggle with depression is starting to wear them down.

    This is an interesting observation and I think it's correct. I also feel like people around me (primarily parents) are getting better, since I quit gaming. Just the mere fact I spend more time with them or do the household chores when asked more often.

    I also get this "comfortable tiredness" feeling at the end of the day more often, literally feeling I did some actual work to justify my existence today. One of my friends called that happiness and he might be right, because it's the moment when you are enjoying the good work you did during the day and you are taking a few minutes to appreciate that at the end of the day which should be gratitude.

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