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Posts posted by Ikar
I watched ep. 15 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I noticed I'm using advanced words I learn from it, as there's about 10 unknown ones in one episode I translate. It's not that I would miss the context, but I want to know their precise meaning. I also finished the podcast above with a ton of notes. They really talked about a lot of great stuff, broadening my perspective of familiar things and yet, some of it struck me as if it was new. They "told" me to clean my room and wash the dishes, so I did that. After that I checked some of his works and took the Understand Myself test.
My recent major shift in behavior since I quit gaming/Twitch, as I found out, was that I am a lot more excited on a daily basis which I find is a precursor to being motivated to do new/interesting things and research and live a better life. I'm also slightly more extroverted, as I want to establish more and deeper relationships, though I am still kinda stuck in the house.
After that, I had a talk with my mom about my last two weeks, it felt good to confide via speech, as I mostly do it through writing.
I took a walk, though the weather outside was nasty and watched some Simpsons afterwards. To top it off, I'm writing with a friend too right now.
Unfortunately, throughout the day, I made a very unconcentrated effort towards the school project, so I'll have to do it in the morning, as I can't push it any further. The test earlier told me I was a bad planner and I put that to a test ?
7 hours ago, taichi said:
"Flow" state in being kind sounds like somewhere I would like to be every moment. Also sounds a bit manipulative. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
It does! I found out that when I feel inspired, I don't feel inspired to do just one thing, but everything. If I knew how to manipulate myself into it, my life would be super awesome ?
I watched ep. 14 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I got up somewhat late and not very well rested, so I slacked for a while.
After the lunch, I played Scrabble with my mom and after that I worked out. Workout finally got me on track throughout the rest of the day, as I stumbled upon this marvelous podcast:
I took notes during the video I'm gonna re-write into my "book notebook", possibly even here to really get it under my skin. So while I didn't do anything for university per se, I did study!
I remember telling my ex "I wish I could take care of myself as I take care of you." I've probably heard it thrice today already from different sources and I'll write it down too:
Love yourself. = Take care of yourself like of someone you would care for.
It gives me shivers on how much I resonate with that.
2 hours ago, Vera said:
@Ikar hate is part of the coping mechanism. When I was dealing with the breakup, I hated my ex. I used it as a fuel to move on from what was tearing me apart. There was no other way to avoid depression, fear, guilt, and shame. I protected myself until I was able to actually shake the weight of it off my shoulders. And it worked really well since I'm not depressed and I don't have painful flashbacks all the time.
I was on the other side of it.
My ex broke up with me and she wrote me she took a really long time to manage to get herself up to the point where she'd just rub it into my face, as sometimes I did random acts of kindness along the way, which softened up her resolve temporarily. I was just so socially unaware/ignorant that I never saw it coming. We were practically the same and I think the thing she hated about me (and maybe what she still hates in herself today) was that we mirrored each other in basically being a pair of losers who never got anything done, even though I never got an answer from her on that.
I wrote her about the mirroring a while ago and I didn't get a response since (and got a bit angry with her after that), but truth hurts. I went on a month without her and in the progress I had to gut out of myself both being with her and gaming/watching streams. It was rough, but it had to be done.
As a result, I never had time to hate her, though she had a lot of time to hate me. If anything, I'm grateful she become my catalyst for being here today!
20 hours ago, Sapuverell said:
I really see the way video games can connect people and be fun, and for most gamers this is good, they can keep it healthy. So a question here: Is it really a goal to disgust games only because you quit gaming?
The question stirred my thoughts; imagine in how that works in romantic relationships. There's very few people that can stay legit friends after they break up. There's a ton of resentment towards the end of it most of the time. Hate is a very cheap and effective means of dealing with the situation.12 hours ago, Vera said:
@Sapuverell I don't speak about all games. I only think that games designed to work against their players are bad.
Agreed. Some games are past the point of being just an innocent colorful combination designed to bring some joy, especially nowadays.
Just read through the diary as a whole, interesting experience.
I'm over two weeks in. At the start I also felt unstoppable, having so much time, doing all the things I wanted. Now I think I have a cognitive bias, because I feel overwhelmed and I think I am not getting anything done!
Before that, it'd be unthinkable for me to go work out outside, but now I just pick myself up and go. I didn't get "anything" (school stuff) done in the morning, because I got a headache and felt exhausted and I automatically feel bad for not converting EVERY SINGLE hour of gaming into something valuable, but that's impossible. I feel like I need to learn to relax without guilt, especially when I feel under the weather.
Thanks for allowing my self-reflection to come up here, have a good one!
Day 18 morning:
I've dreamed quite a bunch since I stopped gaming. I dreamed about playing some Wolfenstein game today. I had a very vague feel during it of how relapse would feel IRL. I also dreamed about my ex in the past few days, but I didn't get any specific feelings out of that. Last reply I got from her was a week ago, so I'll guess I'll see about her in a year. That ought be interesting, as I'm set out for the best year of my life!
I watched ep. 13 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast (fun fact: I had my lunch for breakfast). I started working on the school project and I'll try to get it done tomorrow. I did some research into business. I did some prep for English teaching in the afternoon.
In the afternoon, I went for a job interview for one language school, but I'm not 100% sold on their method of teaching, so my performance wasn't very on-point, so I'll see what comes out of this. Later on, I went English teaching on my own terms, I had a good time and I believe my students had a good time too!
In the evening, my mom invited me to an opera (for a lack of other suitable partners). If I got it right, a guy refused to wake up and stayed in a dream forever to stay with a girl. I've heard modern plays can have multiple interpretations though, so I am not too unhappy if that's actually not true!
I am SMASHED. I've been in motion since I left for the interview in the afternoon. I'm content, I got some experience.
Tomorrow I'll get the school project done on top of some studying for an exam on Friday.
Analytical and interesting.
My two cents on that would be that I told my ex in the beginnings that I am not sure if I can love her, after not having a romantic relationship before. I got proved that I was very wrong in that statement.
As for acts of kindness, I've observed 2 types of them in myself:
1) manual state - you purposefully do/buy/make something nice for your girl, generally you can take a good stab by going for something general (flowers, plants, chocolate) or something she has interest in (knitting, modeling, gardening), but that might be a bit rougher, as she's likely knowledgeable in the field and you'd need to figure out what she'd like specifically to make your gift relevant
2) state of flow - that's the state you are happy with how your day is going 100%, you feel like you could do anything, your head is sparking with ideas and you really spontaneously find something amazing, be it a gift, activity or whatever else
2 hours ago, Sapuverell said:
I'm really interested in that sentence you've written. Could you tell more about it? Because I'm asking myself how someone can notice that.1 hour ago, ElectroNugget said:
Well, I'm going to have to get a little into the nitty-gritty to fully explain it. I'm going to try to be a little vague for her sake and mine, but to be short my girlfriend has had some mental health issues in the distant past. I have had troubles with porn-induced ED (erectile dysfunction). When we began our relationship I felt it would be best to be honest with her about my ongoing attempts to quit porn, and that sometimes things in bed might go sideways due to that. Basically, that's happened a few times and she seems to have taken it as a slight against her body image, and feels like she has an impossible competition vs. porn for sexual attention. That's really impacted her self esteem, and that's fair. I really don't want to hurt her in this way, so it's been an extra motivator for me to quit for good this time.
I'm also reading a book called 'The Porn Trap', by Larry and Wendy Maltz, which goes into further details on how porn can affect your sex life and your relationships. It's really eye-opening. I've traded temporary pleasure for real love, affection and my own self-esteem my whole life, having to hide this dirty secret from everyone. Now I am trying to liberate myself from it and be open about it so I can change.
I hope that's clear without being too graphic. ?
Indeed, talking from experience, my ex also suffered from mental-induced self-worthlessness, low self-esteem and low self-confidence. She would never say "I love myself". Frankly, my answer on the question "Do you love yourself?" back then would be "well, I kinda like myself", which wouldn't be very convincing either.
I would tell her she's beautiful and she would just brush it off, yet I can't even begin to fathom what would happen if I told her she was ugly!
I'm fap-free until Monday myself, so good luck! Nicely done on 29.
I feel thoroughly tired. After groceries, visiting grandma and teaching, I got into Location Rebel again and I was just busy researching what does it take to run around my country like a freelancer. I also had to set up my exam schedule.
I feel like stuff is hectic, but honestly, has it ever been less hectic? I think not!
Hi Radtech!2 hours ago, The radtech said:
I have to ask now since you wrote "NO FAP" week and your sentence started out with "I released this morning..." I gotta ask if you really meant that or if you meant "I relapsed this morning" and by that you meant gaming and not FAP ??
anyways , really awesome you are getting more confident and that you are good at spending your time at home really efficiant thats cool. Its been 16 days now and I hope will get through the rest without too much rtouble ?
No, by "releasing" I mean releasing sperm or masturbating, just making it a bit of an euphenism ?
It feels good to fight whatever life brings with full strength. I remember the deep division in myself when I wanted to game even just a month ago, when something inside was telling me I should focus on other things too. I will persevere.
I'm confident I'll make the full 90, thanks for your support! ?
Day 16 morning:
I released this morning which I am not 100% happy with. I'll commit to a week-long "NoFap" then, as doing it once a week is more time efficient and more pleasurable too.
I watched ep. 12 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I did some more "lifestyle business" research and I think I can tackle it, as I really enjoy being at home, studying, making myself more knowledgeable, working out and overall progressing towards a better life. I feel like I am tearing down barriers of the old me and I'm far more confident in exploring the unknown.
On a related note, I might want to scan for a more checklist-based schedule that some people have around the forums. I slacked on language learning for a few days now and I'd like to get the habit of reading a page a day (in a hardcover book) going, but I am stuck behind a computer out of habit, though the urge to really needing to do so is gone. I'm hardly ever bored, but even then, change of pace and environment is nice and prevents negative mental states. Hopefully it won't crash too hard into my spontaneous way of doing things, so I won't be sick of it.
Monday: BUSINESS (Location Rebel + Fastlane forums) + grandma, post, English teaching
Tuesday: SCHOOL PROJECT + DIARY RESEARCH + business, work out
Friday: SCHOOL EXAM
You can try out the hobby tool Cam made: https://gamequitters.com/hobby-tool/
There's also his YT for some more tips and tricks for life: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTbbu5C5sq9VStQD2gvIN_g/videos
There's some good ideas for activities you can do when you feel "idle" and honestly, business is not out of the question for you, there's just some paperwork related to your parents.
One thing to keep in mind if you really don't want to go to school anymore is that you either self-educate heavily on how to make money (and pick up other valuable info along the way) or, with elementary education, you're gonna end up being a road-worker, driver or a three-shift factory worker, which are not the best places to be in, trust me.
Hope this helps!
23 hours ago, Sapuverell said:
The thing is, that I like the book "twelve ruloes for life" and I enjoy reading it. It's just, this isn't nearly as exciting as video games. It's slow, it's silent, you always have to think and maybe reread a section. So in comparison to gaming i wouldn't say I have fun. I see this not as a bad thing, but I have to experience, that real life is not that stimulating and I have to get used to this. Do not get me wrong now, but there are of course activities that make you feel very passionate, but I'm not far enough yet.
In terms of "NoFap", I had this aswell, but it was years ago. Maybe I should consider changing my goal to no pornography instead of no masturbation at all. I'll think about it.
Thank you very much Ikar. I really appreciate your feedback and it's helping me alot! Much thanks!
I think we might be doing what Cam suggested; go out to be productive. I can take a book outside but I can't take my desktop PC outside too easily. In my room, it's not a fair fight between a book and a computer in my eyes.
No problem! Glad somebody is sharing my awkward story ?
In the morning, I went for the groceries. I watched ep. 11 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. Then I wanted to eliminate some tabs out of my browser, but I just ended up watching Tai Lopez for the rest of the morning, taking some notes in the meanwhile, because he made some good points in his videos.
Unfortunately, around lunch time, when I was doing a phone cleanup, a photo of my ex showed up and I remembered she didn't reply on my honest reflections about the relationship, what went good, what went wrong etc. Therefore, I got disrupted for a few hours, talking to friends, taking a walk and generally figuring out what to do, as I am 99% sure there's no reply coming.
There goes the vow of support she gave me on Day 2. Funny, I remember when I was like her. Not anymore. What brought us together also tore us apart. I am inclined to believe now that any attempts to deliver a message with my name would just build up resentment in her, so I'll either opt for something very, very subtle or put her into the "year and a day" program. Nevertheless, I forgive her.
"Year and a day" program has run it's course for a girl I randomly started talking to on a train about a year ago. We ended up after the following FB conversation in a slight dislike. I coined the promise of writing her in a year and so I wrote her yesterday. Oddly enough, she's responsive and shared some insights on going abroad.
In the evening, I English taught a young kid in a nearby village. He looks like a cool guy. Shame he's somewhat shackled by modern technology and "modern" school system.
There are no happy endings. Unless I fight for them. I will fight then.
Schedule coming up tomorrow.
I got up, ate and went on the school trip. It was another nice trip outside and later on I hanged out with a buddy of mine until the evening. Yet again, I was tired after spending the whole day outside, so all I did in the evening was to chat a little on the Internet, watch ep. 10 of the WWII documentary and just slack for the day.
I'll pick up the pace tomorrow, get through some emails and videos at the very least.
Another note, I didn't really mention it in my journal, as I wasn't very proud of it, but I am in the habit of daily masturbation and I'd like to cut it down to every other day/every third day. Unless I'd find a very special lady, but I'm not planning on a relationship after I just got out of one!
It depends on the expectations you put into the book. You can be hardly motivated to read some subject you don't care about. Generally, that's not really required on high-school in most subjects, it's more around the time of university/college when that starts to ramp up.
"No Fap" seems odd, I am sure it's not too practical. A healthy male has to "release" at some point, as sperm gets renewed in between some 60-90 days (forgot the exact number) and it goes away when you "release" it.
My awkward story speaks for itself; when I was younger, not "releasing" but activating sexually, I had these "pollutions" every 14 days or so, where I would just wake up wet, with my body "releasing" while I was asleep! Generally with some sort of a sexual dream as well and no, I didn't wet my bed ?
I've been releasing on a daily basis consistently for a while, however I imagine the ideal state is to do it 1-2x a week, so I'll have to change the habit too. I've never heard anyone talking about having too much sex though ?
4 hours ago, taichi said:
Thank you for your insight.
What I am finding out, the hard way, is that I don't give unconditional love. People have to be special and serve my interests loyally for me to love them.
Thus my past relationships have been psychologically abusive ones, my current one also rapidly turning that way.
Thankfully, or more like miraculously, my current girlfriend has objected to my abuse and is still willing to stay with me, as long as I seek professional help for my inner troubles.
Funny thing is, I think my response about a month ago would've been different, as I was freshly out of a relationship and I never saw the end coming.
Realizing your past relationship, I think with you eventually overcoming the addiction successfully and her being a witness and a supporter in the witness, would create a strong sense of gratitude on your part towards her!
I got up, ate and went on the school trip. We saw some nice exhibits, sights and nature. After all that, we just hanged out in a pub, so I got a beer. It felt nice to collectively socialize after some time. We also walked a bunch, meaning I am fairly tired as I am writing this. I think I'll be able to collectively socialize tomorrow as well, so that should be good!
Damn man, that's rough.
I've been through a breakup recently, I tried to reflect on it and sent my thoughts to my ex. She was, in the end, the main impulse that made me hit rock bottom. Month after the breakup, I realized gaming/Twitch is the cause I am neglecting my priorities. I used gaming/Twitch to avoid them. Second lesson, tied to this now that I think of it, was lack of self-love. I'm positive we genuinely tried our best to make the other one feel good, while we treated ourselves as crap individually.
You posted it in the other thread, but your wife did some pretty irresponsible and impertinent stuff too. I think she just didn't take your addiction seriously with buying your kids games. It really is as if you put a bottle of booze in front of an alcoholic and told him not to drink it.
You drew the line a few days back, by being more conscious of your acts. You are trying. You must accept the fact however, that she might never try herself to understand, but that is OK. You're doing this change for yourself. Anything you reclaim with that decision is a nice "side effect", but you can't bank on it.
5 hours ago, taichi said:
According to my former psychiatrist, my problem stems from a lack of core self-esteem, the sense that I will be loved no matter what I do.
Ugh that sounds like a lie. Honestly, is that a real thing?4 hours ago, Sapuverell said:
When you can't know the truth, then why don't you pick what is best for you and your people around you?
That's actually a pretty good answer. I think mothers feel that way towards their kids naturally.
What's even more amazing that you actually find a person and build up unconditional love from zero with them too.
In the morning, I went for the groceries. I watched ep. 9 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. Then I started figuring out the (ROCKET) SCIENCE OF HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS! I got a decent draft of my message for my ex.
After lunch, I watched some Location Rebel videos and got mildly confused and discouraged because of that, but I'll just need more time to dive into it again. After that, I worked out a little bit while finalizing the message in my head.
I sent my ex a message of my reflections on our past relationship as honestly and accurately as I could, and I'm hoping she will share hers with me as well.
A collection of thoughts.
in Daily Journals
This is really important. I'm always interested in how the struggle is looking like for others, as we're all different, even though we start with the 90 days.
In my experience, I crave gaming/Twitch very little, if at all, mostly just a few nostalgic thoughts, but I easily acknowledge them and they go away on their own in a whim. The main damage caused to me is that I can plan and follow through my plans with difficulty. However, every day I wake up more excited on a regular basis and do activities I know that will benefit me long term, even if they are unstructured!