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Ikar
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Posts posted by Ikar
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Day 131:
Afternoon after work went by so fast I barely noticed it. I ate, wrote with a friend, cooked, tried out some gear, ate again and it is now 6 hours later. Tomorrow is my last day at work and I planned to leave right after it.
I think I stress myself a bit more than I need to now. I still need to pack myself and plan, but I do not suppose that should take longer than an hour or two, so I am waking up a bit earlier tomorrow.
I guess facing the unknown will always be the same!
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Day 130:
After work, I wrote, did laundry, cooked and went outside for about an hour today.
The last couple of days, I am noticing a shift in my eating patterns. I no longer eat only when I feel hungry and I can eat bigger meals. I did something like this consciously about 2 years ago, but only for about a week. Oddly enough, I think this only started because I started eating more vegetables. I am happy for this, as some 70-75 kg weight for me is good in my eyes. I will tackle the food situation when I get home as well, I noticed I did not eat almost any bread for the past two weeks.
I also read up some articles about early retirement, investing and such, basically building up my knowledge, so I can make some decisions when I get home.
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I have a friend on med school. She has it rough. She has to go there for 6 years to get the degree and even after that, she has to do approbations. I also noticed she sometimes has self-worth issues. Another guy I know on med school said med studente need to have the do-or-die mentality. I almost feel lazy by default compared to you all!
Good luck striking a good life/work balance ?
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9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
I think you're making a lot of mindful decisions now compared to what you were doing months ago. Planning creates a dependable routine and organization that prevents you from having to keep memorizing things and ending up forgetting something you had planned. The healthy eating and exercise is important to every facet in your life. Keep this up.
As for the relationship. I think you should just move on. I seem to remember talking to you about it when I first starting reading your post a few months back. I think you're better without her and will find somebody else who supports your life in a good way and just loves you for you eventually. But I have no say. Just a thought.
It is more about always having something useful in mind and taking some time to do it on a daily basis. If you manage to put some at least 30 minutes daily towards some bigger goal (right now mine is personal finance), so it does not bite you in the ass in the future, I think that is a good start. Add one or two more things to that daily and there is gonna be a huge difference between you and a TV couch potato in a few weeks.
Haha, I actually did not think of her writing that (at least not consciously!), as I do not think she ever thought that, but who knows. It was meant to be a hypothetical scenario.
Anyway, she did love me for me (as I did her), but in the wrong way. You are right I am better off without her and that she is (hopefully) better off without me as well. It makes me think that we kept reinforcing each other in out bad habits/attitudes, so in this regard, the relationship actually worked out nicely, if that was our goal ?
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Day 129:
I think it is nearly impossible for a person to not enjoy the end of their employment, but hopefully I am doing it for the right reasons this time.
After work, I ate, wrote and went to visit the Icelander, likely for the last time. We discussed some interesting topics.
We discussed food, prices, nutrition values and the overall logic behind these. He also mentioned his near-vegetarianism, which is actually a good way to save a ton of money (and enviroment) for meat!
Myself, I have been eating a lot these days, especially vegetables, and somewhere along the way in the last few weeks, I gained about 5 kilos of weight, meaning I am back to my army weight a year ago. I like that, because I have been planning to get heavier a notch.
I also mentioned my memory got improved by planning my days, or at least doing mindful activities, even after work. I do not schedule my days in Iceland per se, but I know where to put my focus and that is good enough. I hope to keep this up even after I return home!
Last thing I mentioned was trust and self-fulfilling prophecies.
If my boss does not trust me to do my work well (and decides to put his doubts out loud), then I indeed have one less reason to do it well.
Another example is this. If my girlfriend thinks I am cheating on her, I might as well do that, since I am guilty in her eyes no matter what anyway. The second option is to leave, but either way, the relationship is in a bad place.
After the talk, we said goodbye and parted.
I did not manage to do anything else for today otherwise, but the long talk was worth it.
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Duolingo is hard to binge. I have not been there for 2 months (as I would have to go through the hassle of using my phone for it), but I remember doing 4 exercises of Russian per day to get the 50 XP and that took me about 15 minutes to get done. I plan to add Spanish after I get home too, as I know something from high school.
I know this will work for me, as I already have a good level of English (in my home area anyway) and I plan to leverage on my languages together with geography I study on the uni.
Do what works for you! ?
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Day 128:
This is my last week at a full-time job for quite some time, at least that is what I think now! I am trying to end up on a good note.
After work, I ate, wrote, then read some interesting articles here on finances and thrifty lifestyle. I also wrote my grandma. I was outside only for a little bit, as the weather is fairly bad. I am currently cooking a chicken for dinner.
Another good one for the count. Diversification for each day works.
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What is this magical place that demands you work only 25 hours a week? ?
Keep up the momentum!
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1 hour ago, ehlo said:
I found a Jordan Peterson video somewhere here, and went on a little binge. One was about setting and having goals. I haven't had any for the longest time. Just doing the bare minimum, putting no effort into anything, just lazy. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to work for. And then falling back to easy entertainment to feel "good", and end up feeling worse than ever. I really have to start thinking what I actually plan to do. Set some real goals and plans that I can track and measure. This is probably common sense for most people, but when you're a screen addicted potato it's so damn hard to get started ?
Peterson is great! I started with him, then got around to Mark Manson. Eckhart Tolle has been great for me as well, especially after I put in some "logic" from Peterson to work. These are just a few, I guess there might be more in my journal somewhere.
The important thing is to diversify. Our brains like that. There is a reason why there are tasks that should be done daily; exercising, brushing teeth, meditation etc. They do take up a chunk of time daily, but they are worth it over the long run!
As for goals, they are fine, but the real metagoal (goal of goals) is to get your habits/mindset to a different (better) place.
For example, if you say "I want to save up a thousand dollars.", what you actually want is to be the guy who can save up a thousand dollars regularily, i.e. who is more mindful of his finances, who knows how to spend and how to sell his time for money well.
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Day 127:
In the morning, I researched finance again and did laundry. I cooked quite a bit for lunch, then I meditated. I wrote a substantial part of the monthly report, but I will wait one more day to see if I think of something more to add. I also talked with my parents. I listened to some music and watched some Peterson in the evening. I did not go outside today, because it is raining and the wind is strong.
Very good day.
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Day 126:
I searched for investment advice during the morning. I am still somewhat confused, but I think I will be able to make a somewhat informed decision in several days if I keep researching daily. I also found some time to chill and read some articles.
In the afternoon, I spent 3 hours outside. I am leaving home soon, so I am trying to make the most of my stay here.
Evening I spent writing to friends and here. I did not do a lot of my list, but I nailed the most important thing, so I am fine with today!
Tomorrow:
monthly rep, 4 months @ home, cook (moneyinvest), podcast GQ, (book+write), laundry, GRS, meditate
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4 hours ago, BrassWolf said:
Right on in agreement! I think it's around 1 in 25 people that are sociopaths and whenever I encounter one I go "Oh look, there's one of those assholes. This increases the chance the next person I meet will not be an asshole!" and when we are forced to be in proximity to them, all we have is our influence and what we choose to do with what is presented to us! Glad you are finding time to make connections around you and figure things out for yourself!
Thanks for the comment, made me write what I thought about before.
I think this might have something with the fact that I am still young and perhaps not as acceptant when people do not go in line with my values (this particular one was honesty). This was the section I am talking about:
On 8/22/2019 at 10:36 PM, Ikar said:It sounds strange, but for example if I call out someone on lying to me, I do not do it to invalidate all the good things they have done before and show them they are completely untrustworthy. I do it because I want to make them aware of it and find out why they were lying AND I will be happy if they return the favor sometime in the future when I might get out of line myself.
It stems from the fact moral relativism/nihilism messed up a lot of my life. I think I would be able to justify a murder, if I was set out in some circumstance for a longer time.
I do not think true integrity can come from such behavior. I think integrity needs rules. Those rules need to be revised time from time, but they also need to be actually acted out. Only then you can perhaps push through harder times without fretting, even if lying would be the easy way out.
What is perhaps interesting is that lies are generally inactions ("I will do this tomorrow."), rather than the act of consciously saying something you know to be untrue.
Kinda wish I was in better focus now, but I hope that my reaction is still somewhat congrugent.
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Day 125:
Nothing special happened today.
Yesterday, I could not sleep for a while, because I napped too much during the day. I know I did about 6 days of true nofap and 18 days without ejaculatory masturbation up until yesterday. My thoughts regarding this are positive now.
Tomorrow:
monthly rep, 4 months, short walk, cook (money invest), podcast GQ, (book+write), laundry, GRS.
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Day 124:
Alright, the time is finally ripe for a big update. Some of it are gonna be my own thoughts of my past and some of them are gonna be things I discussed with the people I know.
Going back to my past, I am inclined to believe that the relationship was the classic romantic love. There was passion, there was connection, but no lasting trust/commitment. All of that was done unconsciously.
That is probably nothing new, however it might be the explanation for my drive for connection/sex I am working on experiencing again, BUT also consciously throwing in the responsibility/trust factor in to make the next relationship last longer. I am still new to the concept of responsibility, but I believe I made a good headway the last 4 months.
I also notice the "savior" complex to try and help someone (without going into much detail IF they actually deserve/need help) is still present in me. It was there when I tried to "help" my ex out of depression, it was still partly there when we had some issues on the workplace recently.
I have to be conscious of that and try to cop around for the justice of others less. Their problems are theirs and my problems are mine. That's that.
Another one I found out is that "If you want peace, prepare for war." applies to human relationships as well.
It sounds strange, but for example if I call out someone on lying to me, I do not do it to invalidate all the good things they have done before and show them they are completely untrustworthy. I do it because I want to make them aware of it and find out why they were lying AND I will be happy if they return the favor sometime in the future when I might get out of line myself.
Honestly, I do not think one can maintain this kind of a relationship with everyone they regularily meet. Family, romantic partner and friends, and that is probably all. It will probably not include a random Joe at work, though maybe if you call him out and he accepts the callout gracefully, you might become friends through that. Who knows, life is weird!
Back to the saying, I would say most people are not prepared for war with most people, so peace (which I guess is friendship in this analogy) is impossible and rather, they have an armistice. Chances are there is plenty of unmarked mines laying around, ready to blow up and send them both to war.
And a classic to top it off, you cannot make someone change. They can be a liar, racist, arrogant prick, stomping kids' sandcastles on a beach - whatever. You can perhaps try to make them aware of the issue, but that is all you can do.
It was sure a long entry, but it sums up my summer work experience and a few other bits that help me understand myself and others.
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Day 123:
I wrote, checked out some articles, cooked, went outside for a bit and got a big stomachache because I ate too much!
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Good luck! Getting that education done is way better than sinking the time into gaming ?
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Good luck!
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Day 122:
After work, I ate, went outside and wrote a ton, I might still cook. Nothing other than that.
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Day 121:
Work!
After that, I ate, went outside, took a nap and asked a few friends/family about investing money. I would like to get that out of the way, as I feel my future is somewhat lined up for at least the next two years. I guess Getting Rich Slowly might help with that too, though it is a US blog.
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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Thanks for replying. I also find this website to be kind of hollow as well with support. I've become more and more detached from it recently.
Depends. I am happy to write back to someone commenting on my journal, but ultimately, I do it primaripy for myself and not for somebody to comment on it. Even if I sometimes leave something out to crunch it in my head first, it is better than having no journal and no accountability at all.
As for friends, "introverted" does not necessarily mean "without social skills", but those two unsurprisingly correlate with 8-hours a day gaming addicts. If they are that, and you think they are at least not as self-aware as you in this regard, then leave them. No regrets. They will hardly notice you are gone, but again, even crappy friends are still better than none.
Myself, I will try a bunch of hobbies once I get home in about 3 weeks and try to socialize more through them, as my work schedule is irregular.
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Day 120:
I wrote a bit and meditated in the morning and took a short nap. I tackled job searching at home and I seem to be caught up. I read some interesting articles too. I went outside for a while too and wrote even more to people in the evening.
I got some work done today, though it felt a bit diffused and structureless. I guess I am just not used to having free time now!
The article below is long but fairly interesting and a few things rang very true for me.
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11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
One of the issues I'd like to highlight this week is that I've constantly been complaining about fake people. I think I have multiple "friends" who put zero effort into any friendships. These people are the introverted, meek, shut ins who do not socialize with others, don't talk to others about their problems, and don't talk to you about yours. Zero effort and pathetic altogether. I have so many friends who are addicted to video games who just work 8 hours a day, play video games 8-10 hours a day, and sleep the remainder. They make no effort to socialize, mate, or improve their lives or fix their problems. They just escape into this cesspool called the internet where they can hide from everything instead of face their problems.
Ha, that seems like me about half a year ago. Strangely enough, I did manage to find a gf, yet unsurprisingly, she would be addicted to her phone.
I guess since we have been this way for a longer time, where our friendships were either defined by common addiction or/and very superficial, it takes time to find different people for the next stage of our life.
I guess I was "lucky" enough to not even make any shut-in friends that I would feel bad for leaving behind after I stopped gaming and streaming.
I also recently came up with the concept of "The real work comes after you come back from work." and I quite like it, though it is not obvious some people feel better at home than at work, though majority would like to think that.
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Marines! I have been in the military for 2 years myself. I also discovered Jocko Willink's podcast on YT, he is an ex-SEAL member and definitely has a powerful message.
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Day 119:
In the morning, I cooked and did the laundry, wrote, meditated for a few and was napping/thinking until lunch.
After lunch I went outside for a walk. I was exploring an area I have never been to and halted for a nice snack too, so I came back 4 hours later.
In the evening, I felt tired from the long walk, so I just did things to keep myself awake, though I still managed to listen to the Life Unlocked podcast #2.
One thing I got from it was that I want to write my monthly summary again and perhaps prepare some small speech/showing of photos to my family and some friends. I got a lot out of these 4 months and I think it might be worth sharing my experience with others, though it will take some time to write.
Tomorrow:
Jobs, monthly, 4 months, short walk, cook (money invest)
Ikar's Diary
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Day 132:
Last day at work was actually super busy today, so I had to step on it. After work, I decided to get dropped off at a campsite not too far away, so I am back to sleeping in a tent. I ate and wrote a little, but I am fairly exhausted, so I will just go to sleep soon.
Tommrow I plan to just relax with some small hike and swimming pool afterwards. I have earned every last bit of it.