Ikar

Day 415: I spent most of the day with my friend, who needed a ride to fix his car up. He took me to some of his English classes to observe and participate, showed me his planned internet ad, we played Scrabble and ate out. I was supposed to have a meeting in the afternoon, but it got canceled, so we stuck together until the evening. He got his car back and I decided I would go back to the dorm to work out and study for my exam on Friday.

Got it, although in life it's always a trade off and we are all exchanging something for something else. Everybody has the same 24 hours a day, what they decide to put in them is up to them. I think the main idea is not to over-invest into something, because it is going to blow up in your face eventually. I have always thought of myself highly, even though the reasons I felt that way were (and still could be 😄 ) often questionable. I think I just didn't want to make anyone angry, even at the cost they would surely be angry at me later on. The way I kept my promises was that I never gave them in the first place. I like how nuanced friendships can be. I'm currently mind-boggled about the idea I could have a genuine friendship with a girl and not date her at the same time. I think the relationship is going well as long as you are getting what you want out of it and the other person is happy with what they are receiving from you too. The funny thing is one doesn't always know what they are giving and receiving in the present. Ju-jitsu seems to be the answer to every question, it's a bit of a running meme in his YT channel 😄 I don't drink a lot nor often either, but then it begs the question of why would I do it at all. I have had a few raw experiences with alcohol in my past, but gambling the next (half a) day after I've had 3+ beers just doesn't seem worth it. I also observed my energy levels are more stable throughout the evening/night when I do not drink and I don't feel lethargic after a few hours.

Day 413: I didn't drink, but I got up late. I did Duolingo, wrote here, planned my next week and visited my family. I took a nap, read in the evening and remembered the D-Day landing. Day 414: I wrote here, worked on the business idea, read, had a heavy workout, took a walk, read a lot, finished "RIch Dad Poor Dad" and spend a lot of time just being and relaxing. --- I didn't masturbate, so I am still going strong. I got a headache somewhere during the Day 413, so after I returned from my parents, I took a nap for an hour and a half. After reading, I checked out the online game Kiyosaki has in his book called "Cashflow". I played it for about an hour. I was especially intrigued/had a revelation by the fact that the big thing about investing and making money is just having the right information at the right time. I enjoy the idea and fact I can make % instead of a flat rate on Forex and that the business idea I got introduced to focuses on creating a business and eventually getting a passive income through it, but I am aware these are just two vehicles towards financial independence out of the thousands available. I set up my weekend just so I relax and recharge without seeing a lot of people and focused on my solo habits I was shirking during the week, because of commitments I made to other people. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Hey man, I read through your journal so far + your introduction, so I think I am caught up. I want to quote and write a few things: I am of the opinion that whatever the situation a person is, there exists a counterpart for them. That written, even though I started thinking about dating again a couple of weeks after I quit gaming on April 21st 2019, I didn't attend any venues where I could meet people regularly, up until December when I moved to the dorm (though I spent half that period in Iceland). I understand the desire to not overextend though; I wonder if I am not doing that myself while participating in three different businesses and studying at the same time 😄 It's important to say no sometimes, so it's good you realize that. I find I have to say "no" in more and more areas of my life day by day. I can't please everyone else at the same time, but I can at least please myself. If they still want to interact, there's always the next time. There's no need to take the rejection personally. It's something I might need to work on as well. I have the tendency to use things as far as they are functional, but run-down regardless. --- I like the attitude you have towards women. I find that friendships, those I consider close and genuine, are different with women and different with men. I spend more time with guys and doing guy things nowadays, but I appreciate the warm feeling of acceptance I can get when talking and relating to girls. Good luck in getting into jiu-jitsu or any other martial art. I'm planning to get a gun license, but after that I could get into more physical martial arts. Jocko Willink keeps talking about it all the time too 🙂 Since you are kicking gaming and porn, have you thought about kicking drinking as well? I was thinking about that recently, since I apparently can get minor adverse effects the next day even after two beers.

I noticed when I am "idle", it's actually the time when I get interesting ideas, do something new and enjoy messing around. I hardly ever get into this state though, as mostly there's something I want to "do". The idea is that I don't really have a box or category to fit her in. She is the first girl I allowed to know me more ever since I broke up with X, she allowed me to know her more as well and she didn't ignore me afterwards. She initiates sometimes, though less than me. She invited me to a few events that I couldn't make. I sense she might be more disorganized than me overall. I don't think it causes me stress. It just pressures me to explore what I like about girls and how I relate to them. I don't agonize over it, as there's thousands of women around the globe. Quarantine's mostly over for us here, but I agree I'll see in a month or a year. I'm just sharing my baby steps. I think so as well. There's no reason to be insulated from them anymore as I was when I was gaming.

Day 411: I worked on Forex, wrote here, hopped around with basketball, nailed an exam and went to an English speaking event in the evening. I also slacked during the day a bit, just relaxing, writing my friends and doing nothing in particular. Day 412: I taught an English class in the morning, hit the gym, did a bit of Forex, went for a walk, read, wrote my monthly report and played cards in the evening with a few guys from the dorm. --- After four nights of no masturbation, I masturbated+ejaculated yesterday, although I planned for it from mid-day. I don't have doubts I would hold off until Monday to make it a week, but I think Friday is going to be a better wank-day than Monday, simply because my weekends are generally less social and the event where I get the biggest chance to talk to new women is on Thursday. As long as I don't keep changing the day every other day, I think I'll be fine 😄

Good job! I think healthy masturbation/ejaculation habits are a gateway towards good (sexual) relationships. They take power away from the whole "sex" thing. It is good tool for that. I use it in combination with my Excel schedule, as I keep track of everything there, as well as my journal entries. Thanks!

I think having someone to guide you if you decide to go really heavy into one thing (anything you do daily for a few hours) is vital in order to be successful. The weird thing is Westerners somehow take their pride in their freedom to be compulsive on their own, instead of channeling it into something useful via an apprenticeship. I think I'd be actually better at the games I used to play than I was before with putting less time into them. As much as I like giving second chances, if I am getting to know someone and I run into the type "I can't do X because I am depressed" or "I wish I had it as easy as you do" of roadblocks, once these pass a certain threshold, I start feeling immense disdain towards that person and I know it's time to leave them. I don't hold a grudge against depressed people, (in fact, I was likely one of them, though never diagnosed) but nobody gets to hold themselves hostage by a condition. This week's been in a slight disarray as far as my waking time goes, but during the quarantine I got used to going to bed at 2200-2300 and getting up by 600. I found out I work best when there's light outside!

I'm using the template I used the last time. 4/5/20 - 5/6/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term. --- Books: L: Finish "Beyond Good and Evil" start reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" by Kiyosaki. T: I finished "Beyond Good and Evil". It is a great book, so I will get it and read it for the second time in the future. I started reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad". N: Finish reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" and start reading "On the Genealogy of Morality" by Nietzsche. English - Personal + Business: L: I have an interview coming up and a plan to cooperate with one of my friends in the business during the summer. I should have some classes beginning mid-May. Hard to say, given the current circumstances. T: I started teaching two classes, visited a few classes of my friend and went to the English outdoor. N: The classes should run up until June. I'll see what I can come up with my friend. Family: L: - T: I can't notice anything out of the ordinary. Meeting up with everyone once a week. N: - University: L: - T: I've been doing a good job studying so far and I nailed two exams already. Three more are coming. The exam dates lined up nicely as well, so I have an exam every week. If anything goes sideways, the exam term got extended up until the end of August, so I have plenty of time to get it done. N: Nail those exams. That includes the GIS project, though it's the last thing to do. Being social: L: - T: I could easily be on pre-virus levels on this. I had a few occasions where I could choose from multiple events at once and had to choose what serves my interests best. There's very few restrictions still in place, most of them got canceled. N: - Exercise/movement: L: Go to the dorm gym daily, since it opened up. Getting back after it. There's still enough time during the day to take the walk after too. T: I hit the gym most of the days, but I skipped here and there if my days got too busy. I started using the bench and weights more and I regularly do around 70 pull-ups during the workout among a few other exercises. N: I want to bench 50 kg the next month, I am currently on 30 kg. Getting to do pull-ups in series of 7 or 8 would be nice as well. Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (260 days streak). Forex: L: I was able to catch a second wind in the past few days and I'm gonna try a different approach. I wanted to give this three months and right now I am half-way through these. If I won't have the results I wanted, I'll quit. No regrets. I don't desperately need this to work for me. It's like with gaming. It might work for others, but it doesn't work for me and it doesn't even need to. T: I stick with the same FX streamer/educator for over a month now and I actually made a couple of % on my real account. I've been quite aggressive employing the strategy this week, as I grew more confident. N: Keep doing what I'm doing. If I keep making these small % over a couple of months or even a year (and keep getting better), it's the way to go. Business idea: I got involved in one business idea outside of Forex. I'll see how this goes. Women/dating: L: The paragraph below is about "Girl A": The story is in fact pretty simple. I got talking to her about a month ago, she liked my blog and we went for a walk a few times. We share some of our past, hobbies, opinions etc. I became increasingly attracted to her thanks to that. We also share some general guidelines on how to behave in the future. The "issue" here is that she dates one Erasmus guy and it's something I've known since I met her. I have a lot of thoughts, speculations and hypotheses, but regardless I think the best idea for me is to detach and become comfortable with the situation I've never been in. Relax. Do everything I normally do. It is what brought my attention to her and her attention to mine after all. Experience is what counts. I'm in control and everything is fine 🙂 T: I am still writing with "Girl A" every now and then, even though we didn't manage to meet for a few weeks. I think she's apprehensive towards meeting me alone or attending events where I would be the only one she knows initially, because she has a boyfriend after all. I understand the behavior and I wouldn't want any of us to do anything stupid, as long as everybody involved is relatively happy. She invited me to a few events herself, but I wasn't able to attend as they were fairly last-minute and I had plans already. I also started writing with "Girl T" the past week. I remember meeting her back on one of the English-speaking sessions back in January/February/March and we chatted for a while, although I would assume she was not interested in me from the interaction. So when her friend requested landed the last week, I initially didn't know who she was, so I asked her that and I had to reminisce for half an hour before I figured it out. We got chatting afterwards. Life's strange. N: Does anyone really know what's going to happen next? --- Thoughts: I noticed I started writing here about my emotions and feelings more. I could be stomping the gas pedal too much recently and becoming overwhelmed, so I am taking this weekend off. Just me and my family for half of the day Saturday and just me on Sunday, even though I have more offers. I noticed I am not making any effort towards getting the gun license, simply because I have no time to think about random cool ideas and some of my habits, most particularly reading and walking and to a lesser extent gym, are getting chipped at and I'd like to consolidate them again. --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: none Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: gun license --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

Day 409: I studied, worked on Forex, cooked, worked out and went to visit a friend. He invited me to some of his English classes, then we went to the sauna and pool and played Scrabble in the evening. Day 410: I returned from my friend for a quick stop at my dorms. Then I went to visit my grandma, taught an English class and studied. --- I didn't write that explicitly, so I am putting it here. The main reason I want to limit ejaculation and masturbation is because I think it ceased to be a priority. There are more pressing matters to attend and choices to be made. If I were to connect the dots - a lot of masturbation, extreme interest in anything that touches the subject of women (books, psychology research, philosophy), historically next to none attention from women; I can see how could this start. I believe I am beyond that now however. I can validate myself, choose my friends better and overall live a meaningful life. I got through three nights without masturbating now. I feel agitated and I crave it especially when I get up in the middle of the night, but I am not going to waver at least until Monday and preferably Friday next week.

I guess there is a reason why some channels have politics banned as a topic. It is somewhat funny that people get worked up over something where the maximum amount of their influence ends by throwing a ballot in a couple of times every decade. The last paragraph stirs two thoughts. Some of the old Greek and Indian philosophers wrote something along the lines that if you want to be good at something, you need to be grown up for the job from childhood by people who recognized and worked with your talents and that no job is beneath the other. But because the belief is that there are some jobs that are beneath others, so good rulers cannot bring up good rulers and good workers cannot bring up good workers. Nowadays, in attempt to create some sort of "justice", everybody at school has the same curriculum from 5 up until X (it's around 15 here, because one must have elementary education, I don't know about other countries) before you can individuate. The other point is that there is no real support system to help you individuate and oftentimes the thing you want is not the thing you need and vice versa. I think that makes us fail anything a lot more than if some system of sorts would be in place to help us out. It'd surely explain your personal political involvement in your 20s 😄 As for the situation in the US, Manson wrote an interesting text about it.

Good luck with your war on porn. How do your masturbation habits change when you are off of it? Do you have a plan to get a healthy release otherwise?

Day 407: I planned my next week, studied, set up some apps on my phone, visited my family, worked on my business project, worked out and wrote a friend. Day 408: I checked out Forex, studied, wrote, worked with a friend on my business project, blew a tire on my bike, walked and had a philosophy seminar. --- My days are getting busier and might soon be as busy as they were before in February/March, if not more. Yesterday, I willingly and voluntarily watched a sexually tantalizing video after several months of not doing so. That's it. I'm going to war against ejaculation AND masturbation. I'm on/off with it like I used to be with gaming. The former I do about 1-3x a week and the latter whenever I go to/from bed and even during the night, so it could easily be 20x a week. I want to limit both to x1 a week. I'm going to write updates on that here every time I write a diary entry, no matter how well I am doing or how badly I am failing.

Good job. Keep following the schedule if you know it'll work for you.

I'm aware. My days are fairly semi-automated and I keep them reasonably balanced in terms of free time too. I hardly ever feel idle or overwhelmed.

Thanks! There was a fitting quote on the NMMNG forums that I remembered: "You never "have" a girlfriend. You just take turns on her with other guys during the course of life. Once your turn is over, accept it and move on." It seems that I have done that. I wrote about this occurrence because I was surprised and proud of myself. All this could be totally random with me seeing things where there are none, but I assumed the "worst" case scenario and it actually empowered and solidified me.

I think going with Option 1 will also allow you to find more like-minded people and a better environment for growth. If your work colleagues are soporific dullards that have nothing interesting to share, it might be their fault, but it's your fault if you meet them and then get angry because of them being who they are. This point is technical, but there are two types of "friends" in my book: 1) Guys/people - I don't mind hanging out with these every now and then in a group. It can be virtually anyone. They either stay here or get "promoted" after I get to know them more. 2) Friends - I can go out with these solo and know I will have a good time talking to them.

Day 405: I had two students in my English class in the morning, I checked out Forex, worked out, skimmed through the materials for the exam on Thursday, went for a walk and read, had a short Zoom meeting and played desktops in the evening after a long hiatus. Day 406: I had a battery of webinars to attend to today it made my back hurt sitting for several hours. I'm not used to that kind of a lifestyle anymore! I read, did groceries, worked out and wrote with my friends. --- Life's speeding up for me and forces me to prioritize some things/people over others. I like having options, but it's still a relatively novel concept for me as a person and not because of the past 10 weeks or so. I got a bottle of wine from the guys I teach and some promo items from their company. It felt good to be appreciated! --- I wrote this to my friend. Three weeks ago, an image of a smiling woman landed in my WhatsApp inbox from an unknown number. It stays blurred unless it is downloaded which I did not do at the time. Yesterday, I had some business on WA and I skimmed through my messages and contacts. Even though the picture was blurred and the original file unavailable, I then consciously realized the striking similarity with my X at that point. I felt dismayed after the realization and I checked the channels I used to communicate with her to see if there's something that I missed, though I found nothing. During the time, I began to realize that I'm actually not involved in this. My version from a year ago would probably be involved in this, but not me. Not anymore. I began to feel more as if I was someone who got beat, but found a way to get it right the next time. And that's what I do; I'm doing it "right" for over a year now and I'm getting after it every single day. Her, or not. No factor. If she's smiling because she is happy, then I am happy for her as well. If she's trying to twist the knife in my intestines after nearly a year of no contact, then she missed the right time. I'm miles away from the blade. If she had to hold onto it this long, her issues are enormous. I thought if I should do something to retaliate, but I just responded with a single question mark. I feel no rage. I asked my friend recently about his high school classmates and whether he meets them. He said that almost never, because they got to know him at a specific time as a specific and they still remember him that way, even though 30 years have gone by and he's completely different. I've worked hard and I'm someone else now too, even if in only a year and a few months.

My parents got them for me when 6 or 7 years ago, though by that time I attended the drumming lessons for the about same amount time. I quit drumming because I moved to another city 4 years ago and now I'm getting back into it.

Day 403: I worked on Forex, hopped around with basketball, visited my grandma, sorted out something regarding my drums, visited my grandma, did the laundry, had an English class and finished the fourth season of "Billions". Day 404: I worked on Forex, took a walk and read, wrote to friends, worked out and had a Zoom meeting.

I actually got AG at 1/3 of the price, because it's not brand new and someone had it before me, but the books are in good shape. I hope you have a good read! 🙂

Day 401: I did Forex, worked out, cooked, read an article online, washed the dishes and met separately with two friends. I also passed an exam, the next one should be in a week. Day 402: I sorted out my browser tabs, windows and bookmarks, watched/did Forex, wrote a friend, worked out and had a Zoom business meeting in the evening. I also started reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" by Kiyosaki, something I've had on my desktop for four months, but only got to reading it now when it seems currently extremely relevant. --- I feel as though as my energy regulation was in the crapper. I get everything done as per usual though.

Day 399: I studied, visited my grandma and family, played Scrabble and worked out. Day 400: I planned my next week, worked out, studied extensively, went for walk and read. I finished "Beyond Good and Evil" and I am going to get my own copy in the future.

Day 396: I worked on Forex, worked out, visited my grandma and had an English class in the evening. There was a new student and she felt fairly excited by the class, so I'm hopeful she'll show up the next time! Day 397: I wrote my friend, worked on Forex, had a Zoom interview, worked out, cooked, studied, went for a walk, read and attended a birthday party. Day 398: I had a class in the morning, had an interview, relaxed, took a nap, checked on Forex, went for a walk and wrote my friend. --- These few days have been taxing for me emotionally: I got onto the real Forex account and up until today afternoon I didn't have success. I planned the whole of yesterday to make sure I have enough time. Even though I normally enjoy everything I did/do, I hated the fact I have to do them by an exact schedule, as if having it written down caused that. I also thought about my masturbation habit. I think I spend about an hour masturbating daily, although I do not ejaculate most of the times and I try to be smart (socially) about it when I do, so I do it once or twice a week. I used to ejaculate more about a year ago. That is closely connected to (not) having a romantic relationship. There are strong pulls in both sides of why/why not to have a relationship for me. I'm both excited I notice opportunities and get involved and at the same time I am anxious whether being in a relationship will make my vigor fade away and become lazier. I want to study during the weekend, though I planned to study the whole week for an hour or two daily, but I couldn't align my priorities correctly. All these things above made me just to have someone close who would give me a pat on the back and told me I am doing well anyway. 9/10 times I'm willing to pull my own weight and some extra. 1/10 times I wish I was easier on myself. It works well in global, just like when I drive my car. I hardly ever use brakes and I like to drive fluently, so to slow down, I mostly gear down, let the revs do their thing for a while and slow down slowly that way. But this is the case I don't like to acknowledge, but have to admit it happens time from time and I have to brake, otherwise that crazy pedestrian is on my hood. To end on a good note, I'm again getting used to talking to people I don't know much, be it socially or during the class.

I'd argue most people today are defending their current regime, because it's the one they know. Roughly 100 years ago, married women with kids didn't have to go to job to earn money and didn't have the right to vote. Most people back then thought that this was fine. Nowadays, there are different rules about that and people think these are fine. But there's no telling which one is "better". It makes me wonder why the voter turnout is around 60%, if "everybody" wanted to vote and what would happen if not voting would mean one wasn't allowed to vote for the rest of their life or even went to jail for "ridiculing the government" or something 🙂 The opposite applies as well though and it's in the book. If you want nobody to have a strong opinion of their own, the best way to achieve that is to employ the "morality of the average". Do what everybody else does. Don't do anything interesting. 1984-style. Nietzsche argued that there are many different philosophies, because there are many different people and what's right for one might be wrong for another, but the mistake that every philosophy did was to claim it's for everyone. I agree with that. There's no way to utilize the same principles everywhere in the world with the same success. I got to it through thanks to him. Chapter IV from the 1st volume and the second half of the second volume are my favorites from the book.