Ikar

Day 499: I finished my small uni project, wrote here and worked on a mini-report, checked out martial arts in the area, tidied my room a bit, cooked, watched a philosophical video, put the printer/scanner I got for my birthday into operational condition, worked on the business idea, went for a walk and read. --- Good day.

Looking forward to following this continuation! I might take an idea or two from being more goal-oriented as well.

I was thinking the same thing. Ironically, I think me being addicted to gaming saved them a lot of arguments. An interesting thing that happened after I quit gaming/broke up with X is that I momentarily grew closer to my parents, but I knew that I needed my own space. So after I quit, I spent 4 months at home, 2,5 in Iceland, 3 at home and then I moved to the dorm. I think I'd be popular as well if I stayed at the elementary for longer, but I used the option to go 8-year high school instead of the 4-year. I remember I was the first kid to bring Pokémon cards to school and literally everyone started playing it, trading cards and whatnot. I was also a bully on ES which backfired on me hard after I migrated to HS, because the collective was radically different. It took me another 6 years to get myself straight enough to at least get invited to a party; otherwise I was just gaming and hating everyone and everything. I guess now I could make the case that my biggest/most used social group is university students (particularly around the dorm), but the odd thing is that if I wanted to, I wouldn't need to talk anyone for weeks. It's because my classes are only once a and my real classmates are people who are already working full-time from all over the region, hence I see them just for the classes. It is possible that I am not seeing a lot of the things, because I am in the position of being a weird crossover with multiple social groups. I also study economic geography - another crossover between natural and human sciences 😄 I'm actually aware I was even more like that in the past in the bold part, mostly on HS. Now I realize that if I have the best shot at helping anyone, then it's me. I shall lead by example to the best of my ability; if someone decides to join me - great. I actually had that thought of making people do things I want with little/no internal resistance inside them (regarding leading by example). Quite a scary one, especially if someone does it consciously on a regular basis. I guess the main point is whether it's justifiable and I'd guess it's not under most circumstances. If you really want to, there are so many ways to get the "kick" in a more natural way... I think it's just stupid being drunk in the first place 😄 It's a scary thought, but everything we do matters. We can only defy reality for so long, until it comes crashing in (hello there, gaming).

Day 496: I had an English class in the morning, fixed my phone (so the clock finally works), had two interviews for English lecturer, did some shopping, bought batteries for my bike's lights and a webcam and met with a friend I don't get to see often. Day 497: I left my friend's in the morning, visited my parents for family lunch and drummed with the band in the evening. Day 498: I did the laundry, wrote here, worked out, cooked, worked on a small uni project and read in the evening. --- I think the interviews went well. I had a good chat in both of them and I felt pretty confident. I'm gonna have more classes soon. I worked on the uni project today for about three hours and now I am facing quite a headache. I am aware this week is not as asocial as I planned it to be. Especially today, being alone and working on the uni project while facing a headache made me crave some escape.

Historically at high school, I asked out a few girls on the odd attempt, though I was never successful. I told my grandma this week that it bugs me how unprepared our parents set us (my brother and me) out to the world of teenage/adolescent dating, because it was taboo to talk about these things at home and how we're catching up on that just now. That said, I like how am I less and less attached to the outcome with each attempt in this regard, that I know and feel another opportunity is right around the corner and that everybody has their flaws. I don't think I've ever been in a social group where casual sex would be held in high regard. I think my selection (or lack) of social groups naturally filtered these groups out. I'm extremely combative (and on the other hand extremely supportive) when somebody close isn't/is combating their inner demons, especially addictions. It's as if I had my big addiction bundle of gaming, can't fit any more (masturbation is going pretty well in my eyes so far) and lead some sort of a holy war against them, even though I am not saint either. I noticed "Girl A" likes to drink; I think it's on par with the drinking of any other "average" uni student. I asked her if she's using it as an escape and she confirmed that. The issue here is that people get defensive even if they themselves point out that the reason they do something is stupid and there could be more constructive ways of dealing with the problem. Moreover, if it's something connected to basic biological needs (eating, sex etc.), then there's hardly any clear cut solution to the problem. A few days ago, I saw Peterson answering a similar question and he said that the best way to do this is to be there until they decide to make the change themselves. I like the idea of just getting over the topic as a whole with a simple gesture, such as a raised eyebrow with a glare or something else. Yet I also think that takes some negotiation, experience and perhaps clashing heads, so you know why exactly the other person thinks what they think and does what they do, before you are able to get over the topic in this elegant manner. I wonder if not having sex is like not having cigarettes for me - at first, I just played by the rules without understanding them, but eventually I matured into the decision that smoking is not worth it regardless. I can have ONSs if I really focused on them, but it just seems there are better things to do. Besides, I don't want to risk possible pregnancy either; I know myself to the extent that I know I would try to "make it right" and help to raise the child properly. I agree one can always find "it" (kissing, sex) in any relationship, but all the nuances, surprises, quirks... I think that thought process is flawed, because it assumes that one stays the same throughout all those relationships to somehow objectively evaluate all the differences. Every relationship is different and therefore unique and we enter each relationship different and therefore unique. I like it. The mixture of respect/hatred and later on respect/love definitely rings the bell in my case. It could even be that any relationship that I really value has a bit of that contentious/antagonistic element in it. I think the proposed/enforced societal opinion on child-rearing in the West is incorrect, because it all focuses on the warmer and compassionate mother and gives little attention to the colder and just father. To expand on that idea in the higher order, I'd make the connection between the mother who always tells us it's fine regardless whether one succeeds or not, and the idea that the society tells us that it's equally valuable whether you have sex in a functioning relationship, go to have an ONS every week or masturbate three times a day. It's just... no. *bellow/below 🙂 It's not a misspelling, but the use of "on the other hand" in the fourth text I quoted (at least to me) suggests a contrarian point, whereas I do not see one in there.) P.S. I will respond to your other post later 🙂

I get up at the same time every day - 0550, although this week my clock went on strike and on average I got up an hour later, but hopefully I have fixed it now. I do not have a real "job", so there is no need for me to "compensate" sleep during the weekend, because I stayed up late on workdays.

Day 495: I prepared for a job interview, ordered new drumsticks and crash cymbal, watched a Forex stream, wrote here, had a job interview, visited my grandma and held an English class in the evening.

Day 494: My mom happened to be in the area where I currently live and she invited me to a breakfast in a Belgian café. I had a baguette filled with scrambled eggs and arugula, as well as a turmeric tea, so that was cool. I spent almost the whole afternoon writing here and sorting out my thoughts. I went drumming with the band in the evening. --- I'm going to be "minimally social" for a week, except for the promises I already gave, job interviews and work involvement. The reason for that is that I feel I am currently tilted towards seeking differences in people rather than commonalities. I think it's because I want to figure out what exactly drove me towards "Girl A", why her response was "no", let it sink in and incorporate the lesson to make a better "decision" (as if seeing romantic potential in someone would be a decision, haha) in the future. I also think I am using "being social" as a distraction from the work (be it working out, reading, writing, working on the business etc.) I ought be doing instead. I wonder if this will be a phase or whether I will keep this up longer term and change some of my social circles. A year ago, I was happy to have at least a few; university, my family and the odd meetup. Right now, I am firmly in the territory where I have to decide whether "social circle A" is better than "social circle B" or whether I want to spend that time alone. Easy decisions, hard life. Hard decisions, easy life.

I didn't mean "partners" specifically, something more along the lines of "romantic involvement". I agree with the idea that you can enjoy spending your time with someone without having sex with them and that you can't really "think" yourself into liking someone or something. Also, just about anyone my age who talks about their ONS/hookup describes them as if they were cigarettes. "Don't start smoking like I did, it's a stupid habit. Good for you you never had one!" -> "I figured there's no point and there's no reason to look for anything less than a real relationship." I'll gladly combat my masturbation urges on my own, rather than pulling someone else equally clueless into the fray. It's just a dick move to create another possible dependency. I think it might work both ways, since every other (sexual?) partner makes you less grateful than you were for the one before and less willing to fight for the relationship, if it was to end. I was bitter and cynical for a long time, but I realized it doesn't really solve anything. I think the idea that somehow snuck into my mind was that there are better things to live for than gaming. Initially, that was the (restoration of) relationship with my X (as I couldn't perceive anything else that would be tangible and better at the same time), but over time I figured there are more things than that and that I might as well be doing just fine single. I started learning on my own just recently too. I actually started perceiving him in a better light since I quit gaming and started understanding he rather acts than talks. He did a lot to secure the family financially and to pursue his passions in career, but he wasn't around for the second part of the job in the family.

Day 492: I set up Google Calendar instead of Excel, hopped around with basketball, cleaned my room extensively, read, studied, cycled and went out in the evening. Day 493: I did the groceries, watched a Forex stream, worked out, worked on the business with my friend and went to a philosophy seminar in the evening about Stoicism. --- I feel the relationship between me and "Girl A" got colder, which I might not like at the moment, but I think it's a necessary phase my relationship with her needs to go through. It sounds odd, but part of the reason I asked her out was that I needed to know how much should I give that relationship. I learnt that openness and spontaneity might not necessarily mean romantic interest, at least not in her case. I also know that a rejection like that is about a difference in values; not because I said one or two wrong things. It also made me realize I like the "long game" when it comes to dating. I enjoy making small advances, getting to know each other, even discovering flaws and insecurities of the other person, so that I am not completely deluded when "officially" starting the relationship with sex, so I know what the other person might deal with in life and how/if could I help them. It made me wonder about my masculinity and femininity as well. I think I am somewhere right down the middle between feminine and masculine. I think the past year I made a great move towards being more masculine. I like getting stuff done and not being idle, I'm more persistent and I like to create some sort of a rhythm for myself. So I like to become friends with tougher and more proactive people and in the case of women see whether we can take it to the romantic dimension, while maintaining the relatively egalitarian friendship. --- Three days in a row, my phone alarm didn't ring in the morning, so I got up an hour later every day. It's not horrible, but it is irritating. I also need to figure out where to put notes, as I had some around in Excel around my calendar.

I guess it takes a couple of them to truly mature. The breakups are generally blessings in disguise; I quit gaming after my last one 😄 Great job. I also think that my recent romantic adventure made me more focused on my work and more in control of myself and my desire to be social dropped too. I wish you all the best in that attempt!

Day 490: I studied, worked out and went to the shooting range with my friends. It was great fun and I enjoyed it! 🙂 Day 491: I visited my parents, studied and planned. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for my ability to desire and for my ability to be inspired.

I think the same, that it's a cycle we're in and that things are going to get better. Even if not, there won't be a shortage of people who will choose the more difficult path; it's just that I have to find them.

I like it. Act and something will happen. Don't act and things will stay the same (miserable). That struggle never stops. I'm on the verge of letting go a few things I built after I quit gaming. It sucks, but I need to let go of them to be better in the future. I had a full day of studying yesterday and I managed a bit over 4 hours. I think it's because that doing the same/similar thing for extended periods of time worked out poorly for me in the past. Everything eventually backfires, but there's a difference in the shake whether I give it 10 or 100 hours a week. Doing what everybody else does is easy and therefore not very valuable, but I believe everybody has a few things they are good at and that they can share with others. It's just about finding those people who have what I want. Somebody's good socially, somebody's good with money, somebody's good at marksmanship... and maybe I also have something I am good at to share with them 🙂

Day 489: I studied for over 4 hours, watched a few interesting videos, got through mails, wrote my friends, went to an English conversation class, cooked and planned.

I am still in the process of planning my days and even weeks at the same time, but I know it is required to think longer-term. I'm getting hammered by the fact I can't do everything at once or that I have to let some activity go, while I spend the last year and a half finding activities I would do instead of gaming. I get terrified when I invest too much time into something; it reminds me of how poorly that went when I was gaming. I have a full-study day today with no obligations and I'm aiming "only" for 5 hours of studying. That's why I have my blog, write here and even meditate about things. It helps with sorting out thoughts immensely.

I'm happy and grateful for how this turned out overall. I noticed in my actions and in my thoughts I like her more and more over time, so I decided to go for it. What I like the most about it is the organicity of the whole thing. We met at a party, chatted a bit, showed some mutual interest, hung out a few times, had a good argument and then I made the move. I'd expect the rejection would sting, but I think the main thing I was after was to establish some boundaries rather than already being deeply in love. I needed to know whether to approach her as a friend or as a lover. Having this settled, I know what my possibilities are now.

It's good to know what I did during the day. It's a combination of all of them. Having people to inspire you or push you helps as well.

Day 485: I meditated, read, worked on the business idea, attended the philosophy seminar and wrote some mails. Day 486: I meditated, cleaned my room, watched a Forex stream, did the groceries, wrote to friends, worked on the business idea, read and went out with "Girl A". Day 487: I worked on my mails, took a nap, watched some Jocko Willink, watched a Forex stream, worked out, cooked, took a nap, worked on the business idea and drummed in the evening. Day 488: I had an English class, watched a Forex stream, sorted out some mails regarding my Saturday celebration, worked on the business idea, visited my grandma, had another English class, thought how to plan my next three days, glanced over the study materials and sorted out some mails. --- I spent a few hours with "Girl A" on Tuesday. We went for a ride to a nice viewpoint, attended a philosophy lecture, I gave her some flowers... long story short, we're not dating. We both chose continue seeing each other every now and then though. We still respect each other and are honest to each other. I wouldn't expect this outcome, but perhaps me not getting insulted or depressed by the rejection and trying to approach the whole situation rationally as a mature human being helped keep this relationship together. I decided to take a breather (or rather, study hard for the exam on Monday) from the business idea for rest of the week. It's proving very difficult to try and do all the work the business idea requires (last week was about 30 hours and the plan for this one was about 30 hours as well - did about 15, while having next to 0 two weeks ago), while having other interests and while going for the final uni exam on Monday. My time management skills are not there yet to incorporate all this and I sometimes notice signs of stress or panic in my behavior and I take it out on myself by either napping, masturbating or not sleeping well. Finding my cool again. Gratitude: I'm grateful for pushing my limits and learning how to negotiate with myself regarding what am I willing and unwilling to do.

It's good advice. I compared it to being new to playing poker; joining a random table will result in receiving some serious ass-kicking at first until you at least learn the ropes. I'm breaking even with my investment money, so I am not completely horrible in this. It doesn't take too much time with the strategy I utilize either; a few dozen minutes every day maximum. The other business idea takes a lot more time, but the idea that it's a "hungry run" of not getting any/little money and investing a lot of time that will eventually pay dividends is there as well. Thanks for the support 🙂

Keep up the fight. We're in this together 🙂

I had that at first as well, but I found out some tasks can't be done this way efficiently. For example, for me it's easy to exercise, read and do a few chores and call it a day, despite the fact I wanted to work on my blog article. I'd usually knock out the easy tasks and leave the more difficult ones for tomorrow... ad infinitum. Planners and schedules are great, but I need to remember I can't use them as a tyrant would for a slave, otherwise I wouldn't do anything.

Day 482: I had an English class in the morning, worked out, did a bit of Forex, finished my report above, did the laundry, cleaned my room, went for a walk, read, took a nap and went for a dinner with my friend. Day 483: I sent out CVs to language agencies to get more English classes, watched a YT lecture, worked on the business project, had a family celebration, worked out and wrote to friends. Day 484: I watched "The Lion King", planned my next week, went for a walk and read (did that twice today), finished an article on my blog and hopped around with the basketball. --- These past three days felt extremely slow and drowsy and I can't even remember when was the last time I had a stretch of days like these. I did almost nothing else besides remembering and catching up on habits I let slide by during more busy days. There's more action coming up the next week. Gonna get after it.

I feel the same. There's nothing to be curious about once you've seen all of it or most of it. Well-fitting clothes can make both men and women look better than they would look otherwise. Plus the ritual of physical undressing (assisted or not 😄 ) is definitely arousing, but even "mental" undressing/opening up to each other is highly connecting and conductive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkD8rjkodUI It doesn't seem too horrible for me 😄 I think that's true to an extent. I used to care only about gaming all day and it was pathological. I think anything becomes so if you prioritize it too much. But the opposite thing of trying to give a damn about a lot of things can become a problem as well. I had second thoughts about drumming, as while I played the drums for a long time, compared to other activities, I don't have too much passion for it, compared to, for example, shooting. Then there's things you can return to anytime - reading, writing or meditation and you can do these whenever you make some time for them on your own.