NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Ikar
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Posts posted by Ikar
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21 hours ago, Celgost said:
On the topic of viewing women as objects, I don't also think porn makes you this way unless you really are a problematic consumer.
I don't say you should watch porn, because I consider it as a waste of time anyways, and have better to do with my time most of the time. But unless you really watch hours every day, I wouldn't work actively on this as a problem worth solving. Priorities.
I think I am inclined to agree with you in the big picture view, but the main issue lies within the identification of oneself as a problematic consumer. Having a problem is a problem; it doesn't matter if it's imaginary or real. This self-identification got us here in the first place (and rightly so); many of us just had an unhealthy relationship with games, played for hours and turned our lives around. For me, it was definitely the right move to self-identify as an addict five years ago.
In my case, the problem I have with porn is that I am somewhat out of control when I do it. Maybe the problem is not that I am "out of control" (maybe better said spontaneous?) by itself, because maybe it's something I need to be from time to time. It also probably has some influence on my relationship with my girlfriend. But the really annoying part it is that I really don't know for sure. The anti-porn course I've been going through is designed exactly for the people who spend hours every day with terabytes of porn on their HDD. I can empathize with that, as I went through something similar five years ago with gaming. However, I'm really not in the place of "For start, think of three beneficial activities that can improve your life." anymore.
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The mental athletics involved in just getting a game in, it's hard to actually believe it until it's all written down. Welcome back! 😄
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6 hours ago, Pochatok said:
hi all,
wanted to provide another update since I'm struggling w/ gaming.
didn't quit, unlike the last post suggests! only one game, and i play it once to twice per day, during moments where i feel tired mentally and want to re-energize myself. what I need to make a habit of is having different responses to this inner state: reading, writing, creating- so many better ways of addressing the mental fatigue.
gaming only leads me to shame, because i cannot moderate- i am someone who is committed to completing a task, and get addictions easily. terrible pairing!
no more time wasted. it's too precious- adding up the gaming and the relief afterwards, i've lost over an hour of time. ugh, so much regret- let that fuel my passion to quit!!!
I hope you'll keep on building a life worth living! Then you won't need gaming at all and the habit naturally dies off as no longer relevant. Just like my porn habit; having control over myself is my main motivation.
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9 hours ago, Heretic666 said:
Yeak I know man but that’s also the thing - when it comes to porn, I mainly look for girls who are the same type as my ex gf. Slim,long brown hair, blue eyes.. otherwise I can’t watch the porn. And I don’t think it has to do anything with having a type, becasue I find other girls, like apperanace, attractive, but I just like to watch or even having an imagination with a girl being similar looking as my gf.. as I am trying not to think about her, I am finding these different options. But the thing is it’s almost three years since we broke up and it’s still so damn fresh. Reading your diary from the first posts totally brought me back and I just could feel your pain you went through. Love sucks haha
It depends on the situation you are in, and if it has changed or not. I broke up with my X at the start of 2019. I was fairly devastated too, as she was my whole social life. I didn't have any other interactions with girls for the rest of the year, because I wasn't in a place to do so (quite literally physically, so I had to move at the end of 2019, but obviously not only to find a girlfriend 🙂 ). 2020 saw me going out and flirting with girls and at the end of the year, I managed to have sex and a relationship for a few months after. Therefore, it took me roughly 21 months to have sex again (unpaid and willing, of course). Some guys say you haven't truly "moved on" from one relationship to another until you have sex and I think there's some merit to that. You don't have to grief that one relationship for the rest of your life.
5 hours ago, Pochatok said:i would describe what you're going through as grief- loving, longing for something that's no longer available. I think you're still grieving a lost relationship, but in a way that reinforces, rather than dissolves your desire. best of luck quitting- you already seem to understand the complexity of the problem, and i know that you will find a way out ❤️
will take you up on the offer! been doing well too, but quite curious about your experiences !
I agree with you about the relationship! Looking forward to reading your next entry in your diary.
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16 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:
"Calling the gasman just a day or two after we came up with the final solution." Heh, say what? Sorry Ikar :X
I didn't put that together intentionally, but thanks for pointing it out, I had a chuckle 😄
16 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:You know what I miss? Prepubescent years when all I had were ideas about how girls would sound having my last name, or vague jealousies when my hand wasn't the only one ever held in a 'buddy' system walking to and from classrooms. Otherwise, out in the schoolyard, we were all just friends.
I had a thought in the gym this morning sort of about specialisation (and trust in other people's specialties) or the 'classes' on that train in 'Snowpiercer'. Obviously, I thought, I'm preferably one of these big dumb bull/workhorse types - which wouldn't bother me if I felt no pressure at all to be informed on everything and hyper-social, to make up for the anti-social that seems to be everywhere at times. I miss 'losing' control, in times when I felt that myself and everyone around were in flow-states, completely oblivious to any deep-seated problems that either could be side-stepped or forgotten until bedtime. But these days I have to have an idea of how I want everything to go, I guess.
I used to envy some guys their girlfriends, but it's been a long time since I really envied anyone anything. Especially because with some time, exploration and effort, I believe can achieve anything. The thing about working hard is that it is not what actually always matters the most. Working hard can get you to a bad or substandard result, which is obviously no good. The issue is that experience is hard to transfer and even then, you need to be at the right place at the right time to make use of it.
16 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:Anyway, I'm probably not alone here either in always admiring your progress/updates man. I'm thinking liking and maybe distinguishing between one's own qualities and supposedly inherited ones is helpful. Control, or simply not-fumbling. Maybe. Good luck 👍
Thanks! I quit games a long time ago, so I can really say in all honesty that a lot of the things were a mess, but I have fixed what I could and I learnt to deal with the rest of them.
Kitchen update: The gaswork is done. Reassured my grandma and told her to calm down. The atmosphere today was heated, but I was collected and I handled it well.
7 hours ago, Heretic666 said:Saw your diary pop out in daily journals and woah, man, glad you are doing so well, considering your first posts when you started with gamequitters. I also struggle with porn, since I broke up with my first gf, never actually watched porn before. Did you struggle with porn addiction always? Meaning, if it was also a problem with your ex gf, or when you started dating or so. The most I could do without porn was 3 days. I am 33 years old, and feel so damn miserable, like I am even considering paying some OF girls to have a virtual gf. Lol
Thank you! Indeed, it has been a long time. I think things certainly improved over the last five years 😄
As for porn, I guess it's been there in one way or another since I was a teenager and perhaps since I started gaming too much (maybe when I was 13/14?). I don't think it directly impacted the relationship with my first girlfriend (five/six years ago), but granted some of the issues I've been having now, I just decided to have more control over it. I hope you'll be able to balance your relationship with porn better. You're worthy of a real relationship with a real woman and you shouldn't have to pay for fake affection 😞
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17 June - 21 June:
I finished the pre-course task for CELTA on Monday. I worked out on Tuesday and wrote mails asking for the redesign of my website.
I had a great meeting about the website on Wednesday and it turned out pretty great and was very inspirational. The guy actually advocated the idea (as a web-designer himself) that the web I made myself is in a good enough shape. He said that all that it needed was traffic and that the traffic would be cheaper via using PPC. I set up two other meetings with web-designers, but I think his wholesome approach is actually what I'm looking for. We'll see. I finished Wednesday with a few friends playing a pub quiz.
Thursday morning saw me watching porn after a month. I didn't have a reason for it; I just wanted to do it. I have to say it was underwhelming overall. I told my girlfriend pretty much right after. I haven't had any thoughts about porn since. I feel rather apathetic about it. It did however prompt a discussion with my girlfriend in how are we going to manage our sex life. Even with two or so months of relatively little porn use, I fail to get predictably aroused or have a desire to have sex without any, ehm, physical effort. My girlfriend and I set up a plan to deal with that. I think sexual uncertainty (even if solely from my side) could make me use porn. I believe that porn is a remnant of my teenage years, when I didn't have any sex and really any relationship. Therefore, I shouldn't need it and I don't think I need it for the last few years. I just want to be in control of it.
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Yesterday was also destabilizing for another reason. There's been objective progress on my grandma's kitchen in the last month or so; ever since I got back from Slovenia, I made it my priority. My brother, my father, my girlfriend, another friend and I all chipped in. We set up a few cabinets, measured dimensions, discussed the steps, set up the plan of works...
And she's throwing a tantrum. Now. Asking questions, when everything she needed to know has been already answered. When we're planning it in exactly such a way as not to cause any disruption in her flat; she still has the old kitchen fully operational. Sending messages and calling left and right. Stressing out my mom who is recovering her mental health in a spa. Accusing my brother of messing up her sink while measuring some dimensions. Harassing my father to call the gasman just a day or two after we came up with the final solution. (What for? Because some random hags on the street comment on it. Really.)
And thus spitting on all my effort I've put into this the last month by disregarding it and behaving irrationally. I'd have understood criticizing lack of progress at in the second half of the last year, when I was working on getting my diploma on top of my regular work. I'd have understood criticizing lack of progress at in the first few months of this year, when I was working on finding a flat to move in and finally moving in with my girlfriend. It's beyond my comprehension why I (we) get such a reaction now when there definitely isn't a lack of progress.
The result? An unplanned visit to her tomorrow, with my father, a gasman and I. After the gas work is done, I plan to let her know the above, in a more polite way. I also refuse the abuse of my mom, my father and my brother. It's really the most abuse I've been subject to in years. I refuse to be abused, by anyone.
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A month without porn. I have to say it wasn't even that hard. I had some low-level urges on week 3. I sometimes think of it, but it goes as fast as it comes. I haven't even set up any blockers (so I can be at my "favorites" in a few seconds), but I just don't care. I only let my girlfriend and friend know that I wanted to quit it, because I thought I watched it too much. That and maybe reading and doing some exercises for (half) hour daily from a "say no to porn" course. I'll continue at least until the end of August.
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12 June - 16 June:
I met my friend, spent time with my girlfriend and attended a small high-school reunion. It was nice to see the guys after a while.
I also finished the testing of students who had it as a requirement. I also worked on updating my website yesterday, although I am heavily considering consulting a professional. I strongly believe in improving my online presence as much as I believe in improving my actual teaching skills. It's really on the same level and these two must go together.
My brother, my girlfriend and I also visited my mom at the spa. The visit was OK, so I hope it helps her mental health. She should come back home the next week.
I was also a bit bored yesterday, but I did some things around the flat. It's odd, but necessary to be bored sometimes.
I haven't watched porn in almost a month, so hooray for that 😄
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8 June - 11 June:
I went out with some friends I hadn't seen in a long time. I also visited my family and worked on the kitchen. I went to the last of the doctor's appointments and I am happy to say everything is OK.
I've been craving porn for the last few days, but I'm porn-free for almost a month. I'm in touch with a non-profit that offers resources and support for porn addicts. If you guys @Pochatok and @BooksandTrees are struggling sometimes, don't be afraid to reach out.
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I'm using the template I used the last time. 10/5/24 - 7/6/24
"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.
I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.
Books/Reading articles/Learning:
L: I think that in the last six weeks, I've read the business book once. Not because I don't want to or because it's not practical (it's quite the opposite), but because I'm always doing something else. I have been more active here though. I also went to the speaking club a few times last month.
T: I had to return the book, as the library borrowing expired. I worked on the CELTA though, so that's learning and development.
Possible direction/goals:
(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.
Family:
L: I had a Easter family meeting and a trip with my brother to try out the new chairs in a showroom. I'm making my grandma's kitchen my priority before I leave for the CELTA course in July.
T: I have grown disappointed from the reality of my family. I always thought that if there was a real need, then we'd close up and work together. However, it just seems to me that once the bare minimum is done, then everybody just goes away and doesn't care anymore. The kitchen is a perfect example of that. It's not urgent, so it doesn't get done. I had my other duties to finish in the past year since we bought it LAST June (finishing my degree in September-January and then moving in with my girlfriend February-April), but I could've definitely done more, so I take the blame for that. Yet everybody expects me do just "do" it, while I have the least experience with it. I know nothing about electricity and gas pipes. My expertise stops at assembling furniture from IKEA.
Speaking of which, my father told me to ask my brother to help me with assembling/measuring a cabinet, to see how it works out with gas pipes. So I went for sushi with my brother. He told me that I can handle assembling it on my own. So, the next week, I took my girlfriend and another friend, who were actually willing to help me, and assembled the cabinet. It took us two hours in two/three, so I can't imagine the struggle of just doing it alone, which would probably take up the whole afternoon too. I'm not going to beg anyone for help, it's not in my nature.
It seems to me this happens every step of the way. I humbly ask for help. I get a limited piece of advice to work with. Then I don't know what to do first, because there is no plan. I can't plan it, as I have no idea what influences what. I am paralyzed, as I have no idea as to what I am missing. The work stops. Nobody ever asks me what the problem is. Everybody either ignores it or thinks it's my turn to do something.
I will try to communicate, but I think I have communicated enough and to no avail. I'm exhausted. That's on top of all the other negative stuff: my father not coming to my mom's gallery exhibition, my grandma constantly bitching about my uncle/his second wife or panicking about something trivial and my mom having a mental condition.
I just don't think families of any (former) addicts are truly good and functional. That's not to say that all the individual members need to have a bad life or something. I just mean the fact that the unit and its relationships are contaminated and it'd take a sincere effort of all involved to make it better, which is extremely rare. I think you guys @BooksandTrees and @wheatbiscuit and possibly many others would agree.
SpoilerSince October, the project of my grandma's kitchen has been my responsibility. Some progress has been made, however I know that half a year is just too big of a time-frame to justify. I'm gonna lay out the plan:
Weekend of 11th/12th March: Ask my grandma to give me a "free hand" in the reconstruction of the kitchen. She was hesitant regarding the scope of the reconstruction, which made me hesitant in turn, because I didn't know what to do. I want to convince her that she has nothing to worry about and that the whole operation will be fast.
Weeks 11 and 12:
Consult my father and brother as to the design of the kitchen and use the IKEA kitchen planner to help me out. Show my grandma the plan for the kitchen at the end of week 12 and get a green light.
Weeks 13 and 14:
Go to IKEA to get the furniture and other shops for linoleum and other smaller stuff. There's no need for new electronic appliances, so there's no need to get involved with electrical thingies. Transport the furniture to my grandma's flat.
Weeks 14 and 15:
Plan a weekend with my father/brother to help out with the reconstruction. Removing old furniture, a bit of demolition, painting, putting in the new furniture. Get it done well and ASAP.
NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.
Possible direction/goals:
Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.
Continue work on maintaining the relationships with my family.
Business/English:
L: I was away for two weeks in the last six weeks, but otherwise I can again say it's been going well. The 60/55 minute transition is going well, although I think I should be stricter in enforcing it and perhaps informing my students a bit better.
My priority for the next few weeks is to prepare for the CELTA course that starts in July. I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well.
I might want to create some list of milestones I've already achieved, in the type of "past projects" below to have a better overview over the work I've done over the years, but I'll leave that for the next report.
T: I did the questionnaire part 3. I expect to have next to no lessons in July and probably a few less than usual in August. I'll probably cancel the rest of the agency courses from September, but I'll see in August.
I think I don't need to gather new ideas, but I need to work on the ones I already have.
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20 (22) hours last week in May: Category A 75% (74); B 4% (3); C 0% (5); D 13% (11); E 8% (7). Brackets are % values from previous month/week.
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I've done a bit of an analysis of my courses and categorized them based on what they provide me. I earmarked five types of courses:
a) my own - well paid + generally more motivated students (as they pay the courses themselves) + more challenging
b) premium - language school courses paid at a premium compared to my standard LS courses for various reasons (roughly matching the a) group)
c) flexible - courses from LS that don't have a fixed schedule, meaning it's on me if I make time for them or not (though I mostly do, as can they plug the gaps or can start my day)
d) challenging/fun/prospective - standard LS courses with an added quality
e) neither - standard LS courses without any added quality
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NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.
Possible direction/goals:
With my job position and student demand secure, I'm more able and willing to reschedule or even cancel classes in case I want to do something, mainly in the evening and for holidays. I enjoy having this option thoroughly.
Keep classes at a stable 20-25 hours a week.
Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.
Look into strategies to become truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between. - check university offers after CELTA
Create a learning plan for myself. - going to CELTA
Go through "lecturer academy" materials.
Networking and business events.
Past projects:
Questionnaire - June 2023
Fixed logos on my website for better visuals.
Updated the pricing section of my website. Variable/tiered pricing (do in July/August).
Got minor pay raises from language schools. - summer 2023
Did evaluations/testing of my students, if required.
Attended one networking event and one marketing seminar.
Introduced "phone call" classes. Update website/business profiles with "phone calls".
Lecturer academy. - fall 2023
Sample business contract on my website. - update the web with new ideas before July
Google sheets system for students. - update it
Questionnaire part 2 - January 2024
Canceled agency courses - March
Taxes - April/May
60/55 minutes online transition - April/May
Questionnaire part 3 - June
CELTA - July
Exercise/Movement:
L: Went for a hiking holiday with my girlfriend in Slovenia for two weeks. Went cycling and running as well.
T: Went for a hike and went running a few times too. Visited doctors for checkups.
NOT: I don't want to become fat.
Possible direction/goals:
I enjoy the fact I do not have to be "actively" dealing with this area of my life, as it's technically a part of my job. I just have to be on lookout if that was to change.
Keep in shape.
Blogging:
L: I actually got a spur of inspiration and wrote an article in two days. Wow 😄
T: I had an idea for an article and I wanted to write it, but then I did something more urgent and I haven't had the time since. Oh well.
Possible direction/goals:
Find a suitable UI/web template.
Set up emailing for subs.
Post two articles a month.
Polish links in articles. Interlink new articles with old ones.
Finish articles in concepts.
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What to do if I am bored?
Replacement activities for 1 hour: reading books, cleaning, washing the dishes, reading newsletters
Replacement activities for 2 hours: going for a walk, work on my business, blogging
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Additional thoughts/activities:
I had somehow thought I would have more time to do "stuff" after I finished the university in January. I put on average 2-3 hours towards my thesis a day to it throughout October-January.
The thing is, I don't think I do have more time. February-April was about moving in with my girlfriend. I'm happy I did. I also had an uptick in the number of students/lessons. I'm also happy for that.
However, I have 10 things I have to/should do in my head now. I spent some 5 hours on exploring/writing this report to help me sift through it all.
Some of the things are nice and I want to do them, but I don't have the time. Some of them are important or promised, but I don't want to do them. It's OK, I am not THAT much under pressure, but I need a system to get these things done and to move forward.
My priorities for the next six weeks:
Prepare for the CELTA English teaching course that starts in six weeks. - almost done
I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well. - done
Reconstruct my grandma's kitchen. - working
My hobbies are: personal finance, graphs/projections/statistics, gunnery, GIS/statistics, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography.
This month, I did these cool activities: stopped watching porn, visited an art exhibition (in which my mom participated), played Scrabble with my girlfriend, went hiking, visited a debate about my region, spent time with my friends.
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Goals/resolutions/aspirations for 2024:
Main must-have plans for 2024:
Prepare for (Feb-June) and successfully make (July-August) the CELTA certificate course.
Finish the university in January. In case something goes horribly wrong, then in May. I've got this.
Move in with my girlfriend in April.
Set up the new kitchen for my grandma.
Optional nice-to-have plans for 2024:
Re-start my financial blog in February.
Learn how to type with all ten fingers on the keyboard.
Habits:
Stop watching porn (again).
Start getting up when my alarm rings = Put my alarm across the room.
Establish flossing at least once a week.
Exercise regularly.
Continue: planning, walking/exercising, writing/journaling, reading, working on good life/work balance.
It's a short list, but if I manage all of it, I will be happy.
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30 May - 6 June:
I visited the dentist after a long time, as it was fairly troublesome to find one after my old one retired. My no-porn streak still continues. At the weekend, I spent time with my friends and my girlfriend - we cleaned my car, assembled furniture at my grandma's and went for a hike. I sent the questionnaire to my students and already talked to some about the price increase. I prepared for the CELTA as well.
Happy D-Day everyone!
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23 May - 29 May:
The questionnaire for my students is finished. I have studied for the CELTA course. I also watched the hockey championship, visited my family and went to a debate about my region.
My girlfriend, my friend and I ran in a competition at the weekend and I managed to run 4 kilometers in under 19 minutes with little training.
I've also taken active steps to uproot porn from my life; I understand it was a coping mechanism that perhaps made sense in the past, but not really once I quit gaming and started to have better relationships with women.
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On 5/23/2024 at 3:01 PM, FDRx7 said:
I hope everyone's been well and I look forward to catching up on your journeys.
Welcome back! 😄
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17 May - 22 May:
I caught up on some reading about finance. I also went running with my girlfriend and my friend. I started actively working on my porn problem. I'm also solving the next pricing adjustment, working on the questionnaire for my students and preparing for the CELTA certification.
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11 May - 16 May:
I spent most of 11 May (Saturday) writing my report and organizing myself for days to come. I think I got some good work done overall, or at least started on the projects:
1) I visited my family on Sunday. We went through the next moves regarding my grandma's kitchen. I want to do something, but intelligently and not in a rush.
2) I visited my general practitioner on Monday, asked for and got vouchers to visit four other inspections: two X-rays (one of my feet and one of my thorax), to a proctologist and an ear doctor. I have four or five inspections coming in the next week; I'm also going to visit my dentist. Also used a dishwasher for the first time in my life, though we don't have that many dishes to fill it 😄
3) Finished filing my taxes on Tuesday.
4) "Researched" a surprise for my girlfriend - a skating course on Wednesday. Also looked into getting us mosquito nets for windows. Both are still in process. Went to my mom's exhibition of paintings in the evening.
5) Had 7 courses of English on Thursday (yesterday), so I didn't have much time to do anything else.
6) On top of that, the usual stuff.
Sadly, I also watched porn three times after being clean for about a month. I reached out to my girlfriend who in turn reached our to her therapist, whom she meets for specialized support to deal with her eating disorder/bulimia.
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I'm using the template I used the last time. 27/3/24 - 10/5/24
"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.
I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.
Books/Reading articles/Learning:
L: Still reading the business book. Not daily, but enough to get a new idea or two from it every week. Some newsletters too, but not many.
T: I think that in the last six weeks, I've read the book once. Not because I don't want to or because it's not practical (it's quite the opposite), but because I'm always doing something else. I have been more active here though. I also went to the speaking club a few times last month.
Possible direction/goals:
(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.
Family:
L: Had a few family meetings, a lunch outside too.
T: I had a Easter family meeting and a trip with my brother to try out the new chairs in a showroom.
I'm making my grandma's kitchen my priority before I leave for the CELTA course in July.
SpoilerSince October, the project of my grandma's kitchen has been my responsibility. Some progress has been made, however I know that half a year is just too big of a time-frame to justify. I'm gonna lay out the plan:
Weekend of 11th/12th March: Ask my grandma to give me a "free hand" in the reconstruction of the kitchen. She was hesitant regarding the scope of the reconstruction, which made me hesitant in turn, because I didn't know what to do. I want to convince her that she has nothing to worry about and that the whole operation will be fast.
Weeks 11 and 12:
Consult my father and brother as to the design of the kitchen and use the IKEA kitchen planner to help me out. Show my grandma the plan for the kitchen at the end of week 12 and get a green light.
Weeks 13 and 14:
Go to IKEA to get the furniture and other shops for linoleum and other smaller stuff. There's no need for new electronic appliances, so there's no need to get involved with electrical thingies. Transport the furniture to my grandma's flat.
Weeks 14 and 15:
Plan a weekend with my father/brother to help out with the reconstruction. Removing old furniture, a bit of demolition, painting, putting in the new furniture. Get it done well and ASAP.
NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.
Possible direction/goals:
Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.
Continue work on maintaining the relationships with my family.
Business/English:
L: My work has been going well. I've had some good initial lessons with my students in the last couple of weeks. The uptick in my own courses has been significant. I'm likely going to cancel two agency courses. I was a bit bored after finishing the university, however the last two weeks I'm overwhelmed. I feel like I need to do a better job managing my time and prioritizing again. Maybe I could cancel all agency courses in E, but that'd probably be excessive and needlessly imbalancing. I might want to create some list of milestones I've already achieved, in the type of "past projects" below to have a better overview over the work I've done over the years, but I'll leave that for the next report.
Canceled the two agency courses. I also changed the format of some of my 60minute lessons to 55 minutes, so I won't need to jump from one meeting to another instantly. Things are still going fairly well.
T: I was away for two weeks in the last six weeks, but otherwise I can again say it's been going well. The 60/55 minute transition is going well, although I think I should be stricter in enforcing it and perhaps informing my students a bit better.
My priority for the next few weeks is to prepare for the CELTA course that starts in July. I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well.
Now for some statistics:
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1) I decided to dig up the records on all the students I've taught privately, either from my calendar or bank records, so I don't think anyone slipped through the cracks. I included even the smallest jobs. The results are quite interesting:
Out of all students who finished having lessons with me, since I started to call this a career, from fall 2020 to December 2023, the average study of my students with me was 6,8 months. The median (the middle student) had 3,5 months of lessons with me.
The average study of my students who are still studying with me is 7,7 months. The median is 3 months.
If I combine the categories above, it's 7,3 months for the average study. The median is again 3 months.
Takeaways:
The average student (around 7 months) will not last longer than it takes me to increase the price. I raised prices 4 times in the last 42 months, meaning I increased it once every 10,5 months. One less pressure point when negotiating for better money.
The question then of course is whether the higher prices really throttle demand or just change my target group. I've had a few students tell me they chose me also because my prices were professional. My prices are currently about 80-90% of those provided by language schools to individuals. I'm planning to close that gap this year. I managed to gather enough students over time to turn this job of mine into a fully independent living without any intermediaries.
I'm gonna consider offering lesson "packages" for the future, although I've been kinda doing that, when students pay me once a month upfront. I also think I provide good enough motivation - positive (via my approach on the lessons, bi-annual questionnaires etc.) and negative (increasing the prices regularly means students need to think whether it's something they need/want).
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2) The number below of 22 taught hours per week holds true. I calculated I also spend about 30 hours a month/7 hours a week on admin tasks (both median and average - from April 2023 to February 2024). I also spent 7 hours traveling to/from my students, regardless if I charge them for that or not (I don't charge walking but I do charge car riding 😄 ). Voila, 36 hours a week I need to pay myself for.
Of course, these are just statistics. There are a lot of things I don't see.
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22 (23) hours last week in April: Category A 74% (71); B 3% (3); C 5% (9); D 11% (11); E 7% (6). Brackets are % values from previous month/week.
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I've done a bit of an analysis of my courses and categorized them based on what they provide me. I earmarked five types of courses:
a) my own - well paid + generally more motivated students (as they pay the courses themselves) + more challenging
b) premium - language school courses paid at a premium compared to my standard LS courses for various reasons (roughly matching the a) group)
c) flexible - courses from LS that don't have a fixed schedule, meaning it's on me if I make time for them or not (though I mostly do, as can they plug the gaps or can start my day)
d) challenging/fun/prospective - standard LS courses with an added quality
e) neither - standard LS courses without any added quality
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NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.
Possible direction/goals:
With my job position and student demand secure, I'm more able and willing to reschedule or even cancel classes in case I want to do something, mainly in the evening and for holidays. I enjoy having this option thoroughly.
Keep classes at a stable 20-25 hours a week.
Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.
Look into strategies to become truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between.
Create a learning plan for myself.
Go through "lecturer academy" materials.
Write down specific areas and what I want to do in them:
Networking and business events.
Get a system to mark down the progress of my students, together with their learning plan.
Check out business vouchers for equipment.
Past projects:
Questionnaire.
Fixed logos on my website for better visuals.
Updated the pricing section of my website. Variable/tiered pricing (do in July/August).
Got minor pay raises from language schools.
Did evaluations/testing of my students, if required.
Attended one networking event and one marketing seminar.
Introduced "phone call" classes. Update website/business profiles with "phone calls".
Lecturer academy.
Sample business contract on my website.
Google sheets system for students.
Questionnaire part 2.
Exercise/Movement:
L: Went for walks and hiking trips with my girlfriend.
T: Went for a hiking holiday with my girlfriend in Slovenia for two weeks. Went cycling and running as well.
NOT: I don't want to become fat.
Possible direction/goals:
I enjoy the fact I do not have to be "actively" dealing with this area of my life, as it's technically a part of my job. I just have to be on lookout if that was to change.
Keep in shape.
Blogging:
L: Now, blogging has a reminder in my calendar now, however it's not really an activity I could care for now. We'll see.
T: I actually got a spur of inspiration and wrote an article in two days. Wow 😄
Possible direction/goals:
Find a suitable UI/web template.
Set up emailing for subs.
Post two articles a month.
Polish links in articles. Interlink new articles with old ones.
Finish articles in concepts.
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What to do if I am bored?
Replacement activities for 1 hour: reading books, cleaning, washing the dishes, reading newsletters
Replacement activities for 2 hours: going for a walk, work on my business, blogging
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Additional thoughts/activities:
I had somehow thought I would have more time to do "stuff" after I finished the university in January. I put on average 2-3 hours towards my thesis a day to it throughout October-January.
The thing is, I don't think I do have more time. February-April was about moving in with my girlfriend. I'm happy I did. I also had an uptick in the number of students/lessons. I'm also happy for that.
However, I have 10 things I have to/should do in my head now. I spent some 5 hours on exploring/writing this report to help me sift through it all.
Some of the things are nice and I want to do them, but I don't have the time. Some of them are important or promised, but I don't want to do them. It's OK, I am not THAT much under pressure, but I need a system to get these things done and to move forward.
My priorities for the next six weeks:
Prepare for the CELTA English teaching course that starts in six weeks.
I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well.
Reconstruct my grandma's kitchen.
My hobbies are: personal finance, graphs/projections/statistics, gunnery, GIS/statistics, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography.
This month, I did these cool activities: went for one smaller trip and one bigger holiday, finished moving, got a great new table and a new chair, went to the theater, worked on my business, hung out with friends, spent time with my girlfriend, went to the cinema, attended speakers' events, fixed my phone, spent time with my family.
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Goals/resolutions/aspirations for 2024:
Main must-have plans for 2024:
Prepare for (Feb-June) and successfully make (July-August) the CELTA certificate course.
Finish the university in January. In case something goes horribly wrong, then in May. I've got this.
Move in with my girlfriend in April.
Set up the new kitchen for my grandma.
Optional nice-to-have plans for 2024:
Re-start my financial blog in February.
Learn how to type with all ten fingers on the keyboard.
Habits:
Stop watching porn (again).
Start getting up when my alarm rings = Put my alarm across the room.
Establish flossing at least once a week.
Exercise regularly.
Continue: planning, walking/exercising, writing/journaling, reading, working on good life/work balance.
It's a short list, but if I manage all of it, I will be happy.
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4 May - 8 May:
Traveled around with my girlfriend a bit more again. We cleared up some future holiday/traveling expectations and planning as well. It wasn't easy to communicate these things, but I believe we are on the same page now and we don't need to clash about it in the future. The weather wasn't as good yesterday and today, but we still managed the trips.
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On 5/3/2024 at 3:54 AM, wheatbiscuit said:
I read once of a 'successful' mindset that we should consider ourselves as all the same (and with the same 24 hours per day). When I went to a theatre drama last weekend, I tried to imagine that I had no more unique energy than the actors and actresses, or vice versa. I scared myself for a bit then, thinking that they had to be taking drugs or something between their appearances on stage.
I guess people/actors enter a trance-like experience when they perform. Sure, they have some skills we don't have, but I also think they calibrate themselves towards the performance too. I think theatre actors are mainly interested in these states/benefits and that's why they do their jobs.
On 5/4/2024 at 1:59 AM, Pochatok said:Imo, that is the myth of meritocracy, and quite plainly so. yes, we exist within the same temporality, but our privileges and abilities and experiences create differences that at times may be impassable. such a statement ignores disability, race, gender, and many other identity-based systems of separation and oppression.
yes, a lot of things are technically possible for you . but that does not necessarily mean you actually can do those things. we all need to look to our strengths, and continuously work towards personal and collective liberation, cuz that's the only way towards actually becoming more 'all the same'.
I'm curious. How do you understand the word "meritocracy"? What is it in your eyes? From the way I understand it, good performers get a raise, get recognition/good feedback etc.
To link up to what I wrote above, let's say I want to visit a play in a classical theatre. I pay my time (and normally some money too) and I expect a certain level of performance from the actors. They don't need to be the best and do their best on that day, but the idea here is I can't "see through them" whether they mess something up. I think if the institution put together a bunch of amateurs with little experience/little finesse/little care, I'd have every right to be unhappy with their lack of skill. I'd prefer to watch a bunch of average professionals who know their business, likely who got to the theatre play based on merit and who worked their way up from being amateurs at first.
(Note I am not arguing whether some jobs should be paid more/less or whether being a CEO is more valuable than being a regular worker.)
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19 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:
I don't think it's too much food for thought, but when someone is said to be the 'rock' in a relationship, I basically understand it to mean independence (though with the realisation they are better off in a relationship). I'm now talking out of my buttocks, but - the 'rock' might be relied upon to just exist - mostly for the other person, I guess, remembering important things about the relationship (or themselves!) and bringing them up when necessary. Concerning the idea of two 'rocks', that's just been my preference; it seems to be what my parents were like, and it can kind of feed into a 'you and me against the world' idea (and the 'illogical chaos' in it, for example). I'm trying to be more realistic though. - It's interesting because to be someone with a lot of good ideas in a relationship could be rock-like, but to remind the other that a lot of those ideas remain talk and not action is too. Me, I like to think I can notice patterns (e.g. of behaviour), but I'm reluctant to finally label a lot of them because it means I'll have to then work with those beliefs. Haha.
I get it now, thanks. Yes, I think my girlfriend and I are fairly independent-minded and I also think we both benefit from the relationship. I think it's useful to notice the patterns, as then you can parse out what you want and perhaps what you don't want as much. It's relatively easy to admit a fault within oneself, but especially difficult to start working on it though.
19 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:I keep remembering and forgetting that English isn't your only language. It's probably good because of translation in one's head versus only thinking how readers would receive some ideas, which is what would make me hesitate. The GQ forums are different because giving up gaming is probably usually an emotional affair, so I've typed plenty. I liked reading your blog, and the next time I think about the topics on it whilst out walking, I'll likely answer myself with something like what I read there. Individual brains are funny.
I keep mentioning my nationality and masking it at the same time too, so no wonder you're having trouble 😄
Blogs are different from diaries. People are usually more critical towards blogs, and they should be, as blogs are meant to influence public opinion, otherwise the writer wouldn't publish!
Diaries usually don't offer much to be criticized. People just (try to) quit games, meet friends, feed their pets and go on with their lives... In the rare case I do criticize/suggest something, I mostly do it for a) the intellectual exercise and b) to offer a perspective of someone who quit gaming 5 years ago and turned his life around.
Brains are indeed very often copycats and like easy solutions suggested by someone else 😄
I guess I still mostly agree with what I wrote back then, though as I wrote, I the texts are not practical enough for my taste now. Again, glad you liked it 🙂
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On 5/4/2024 at 12:26 AM, wheatbiscuit said:
I spent awhile to find an in to reply to - only that the idea of traveling for me now is mostly about its importance to who I'd be with. There's never a shortage of things at home that I forget to think about and then take pleasure in seeing properly. It's because a) Major insight has come slowly these days and, b) I can do trips 'within' anywhere; why leave?
It's really the same for me. I find organizing such trips stressful and mostly not worth the effort to even write others about it. I can do "my things" anywhere too, so I don't need to leave either.
I found out that "taking a break" to change my perspective on some long-term projects doesn't really work. My girlfriend rightly called me out on the fact that I talk about some things more than I actually do them. I'm more acutely aware of such unfinished business when I am on a "true" holiday than when I'm in my normal workweek.
On 5/4/2024 at 12:26 AM, wheatbiscuit said:Then there might be the whole 'rock' in the relationship deal, like the patterns of grounded-ness as opposed to who's an expert on what. I would honestly prefer to be one of two rocks, but hey. I'm curious about Europe, but I'd probably just as soon as meet someone from there online, talk at length with them and then take a bunch of recommendations and not end up searching it curiously on my own.
What do you mean by the whole "rocks" thing? I tried to get it through my head, but I'm still missing the point 😄
Travel recommendations are tough and I'd say pointless, unless you know what type of places you want to visit. My girlfriend loves active holidays with lots of hiking, nice nature, viewpoints and not many people. I don't think it's my passion as much as its hers, but I know that light/medium exercise (which hiking is) is good for me and I need to do it as much as possible.
The above means we need to look for nice places that are not a) overcrowded and overpriced tourist traps and b) too much for me to hike. Other people prefer to just walk from the hotel to the sea for two weeks straight. It really depends on your taste.
On 5/4/2024 at 12:26 AM, wheatbiscuit said:I just re-read your blog by the way; whenyoupostmoar? 😅
Really? Thank you! 😄
I started writing about personal finance in Czech (my native language) two-three years ago, kept the concepts, and officially launched the website in August last year or so. It's something I can combine with some philosophy, it's practical and I can share it with my friends directly, FB or even LI. Writing essays on philosophy/psychology in English is generally less relatable and I haven't had the taste to write something like that in a long time.
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29 April - 3 May:
The first day was the toughest, as we spent several hours in the car and I had a headache the next one from the experience. The trips have been nice otherwise, mostly the ones where we go to the nature. Some of the places are really beautiful.
Though I am getting a hunch that the whole traveling thing isn't my cup of tea, or definitely not something I'd do every day off. Maybe once or twice a year. But being a self-employed teacher means that I'd just never take a holiday just to spend it at home, in my usual setting. It's a tough thing to truly prioritize and to start with personal/business projects/ideas that are always put off for "later", because I just never find the time.
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19 April - 28 April:
To quickly go over the events of the past two weeks:
1) I installed my new PC station with the help of my friend and my girlfriend's father. I'm now able to stand while working and I have a 89 centimeter monitor installed. For almost a month I had only used my notebook/sofa after changing the flat at the start of April.
2) I think the flat is fully furnished now. There are just two boxes next to my PC table with papers and documents, but the rest of the boxes are away.
3) I should take advantage of the public healthcare system we have and go for a few checkups. I should look closely into the condition of my spine, my occasional head(aches) and my hearing. I just never seem to make it a priority, because none of them are acute problems.
4) I think I've been over a week or two without porn. I really haven't had the taste for it.
5) I made a blog post on my financial blog after about 8 months.
6) Went shopping for some sport clothes at the weekend. I rode some 40 kilometers on my bike yesterday on the way to my family.
7) My girlfriend and I are going to Slovenia and Italy for the next two weeks. Decided to have several lessons a week with my students online, as the last 12 months or so have been draining on my finance and I've run through my short-term financial reserve. I don't think I've been spending frivolously though, as a big part of it was investing (for into the new PC station, adjustable chair and table - it'll definitely have a positive effect on my health). The long-term reserve/investment into stocks I made mostly in 2021/2022 is +25% up. I just don't want to touch it.
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11th April - 18th April:
My girlfriend and I went to a puppet theatre last week. It was an adaptation of Orwell's Animal Farm. We enjoyed it a lot 😄
We spent Friday evening with friends. At the weekend, we also visited both my and her parents. I also had to change the wheels with winter tires for summer ones that are at my parents' house. We also cycled a bit and went to the cinema to watch a documentary.
My PC table arrived on Monday, though I can't assemble it fully without a drill. I had the CELTA interview on Tuesday and it went well. That means I should spend July trying to become a better teacher 🙂
Worked on my taxes on Wednesday. I also visited the speakers' club and attended a birthday party, so it was a good day. I fixed charging troubles I had been having with my phone yesterday. Busy week overall, but nice.
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On 4/16/2024 at 6:35 PM, pdallair91 said:
The whole process feels so tedious and futile; I feel commodified - stripped of all ideas and personality - every step of the way.
Sending a CV is the first (and out of necessity formal) step in applying for a job. Building rapport is for the interview itself and for the trial period. It's not personal that company X doesn't reply to your CV. Maybe their HR is overloaded. Maybe the job offer isn't current. Maybe there are some hidden conditions they don't mention. Maybe some people applied before you and they're having interviews with them before (and if) they get to you. You can't know, so there's no reason to worry about it.
What I did in the past (some 3-4 years ago) was to find companies that I felt were relevant to me as a potential employer (that is, even without them explicitly offering a job). I jammed every email adress I could find into Bcc, wrote something short, attached my CV. I did that maybe twice or thrice. I'm sure I sent out hundreds of emails this way. From all those emails, I was at around 30 interviews. Maybe 5 turned out to be profitable (gave me courses at some point) and maybe 5 others came back to me later.
But before I started that, I was also hung up on getting a response/interview/job from "that one company". Now I can turn them down, because I don't need them anymore and I have better paid courses.
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As for the dicussion about authenticity that @wheatbiscuit @Pochatok and @Vee expanded on: I found out that honesty and authenticity works great in my life. But (and this is a big BUT), there's also a lot of "catching up" to do with others, at least at first.
We've rebuilt ourselves since admitting the gaming issue. Some more, some less. Depending on how much we still identify with our "gaming past/gaming trouble", it will influence the conversations we have and the relationships we have.
We all here joined this forum, because we understood we had a serious problem. Gaming is/was our drug of choice. Even being among addicts is often troublesome on its own. Some people will damn us for that outright just out of their strange principle that we're not "normal". And even if we never had a gaming problem, people are people and some people don't like others just because.
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Ikar's Diary
in Daily Journals
Posted
22 June - 28 June:
Saturday 22: My girlfriend, two friends and I went to an 8km running competition. The terrain was tough and it was hard to estimate how far were we on the track, but we enjoyed it anyway. I ran behind my girlfriend for a good part of the race. She was quite shocked when I came up from behind her just a few seconds after she had finished the race 😄 I rushed to get to my grandma after due to the kitchen works. Everything turned out OK as I described in posts above though.
Sunday 23: Relaxing day, just a few minor chores and spending time with my girlfriend.
Monday 24: Had a meeting regarding my new website. Went to a table football tournament with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. We got a memorial card, as it's the last table football tournament by the organizer. A new guy will take up after him for the future.
Tuesday 25: Minor chores and many English lessons this day.
Wednesday 26: Had another meeting regarding my new website. Took my car to the mechanic for a checkup regarding the rusty chassis and got a quote on it. Went for a sushi with a former student/friend and went to Toastmasters for the first time in two months. We had a good time after that 😄
Thursday 27: Mixed day of errands and lessons. Made the final decision to work with two professionals in the end, as they can both provide a unique perspective/contribution, both have a bit of a different specialization and 15+ years of experience. I'm proud of myself to have handled the situation the way I did. We'll start work on the website when I return from the CELTA at the end of July.
Friday 28: Had a promotion ceremony from the uni, so all family and my girlfriend gathered to attend. Had a short discussion about the kitchen after it. Minor work errands and lessons during the day as well.
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Porn: I watched porn on 20 and 27 June, really at the same time in the morning. I didn't plan for it, but both times I was just horny and my girlfriend wasn't around. In fact, in both cases I had sex with my girlfriend the same day later on, without any shame, regret, disappointment or any other negative feelings. I'm not making any conclusions yet, but I'd be happy if I could manage it this way. The big question is of course how I'm going to handle being without her for the next 14 days when I'm at the CELTA training in another city and how I'm going to cope with the new situation.
I think making a "crusade" against porn doesn't make sense in my case. I don't need to read up and do exercises on negatives of porn for an hour daily to counter half hour of porn a week. As I wrote above, I'm not an everyday heavy user of porn. I was an everyday heavy user of games and streaming, but I managed to "neutralize" my relationship to games and heavy gamers. I don't hate games and I don't hate gamers; just as I don't hate horse-riders or Instagram users. In fact, I often feel empathy towards other guys here on the forum. I know how extensive gaming made me frail and how I managed to overcome it, exactly by finding alternatives that met my needs.
Lastly, there have been a few challenges regarding the organization of the CELTA course, but I'm sure I'll handle it all. I became ready to handle it, as well as I became ready for a new website. All this investment led me (and will lead me) to quite a big spending, but I think it's correct to think of it more as investing. I still have sizeable long-term reserves I'd rather not touch, but I am willing to use them to support my business and education rather than let them slowly appreciate in the stock market. The return on my business will be many times higher than the return on the stock market, plus it will support my positive feeling about my business.