Ikar

I think your hate isn't something to be ashamed of, if your father left your family when you were young and added to the fact you got addicted to gaming. At least you know what to avoid. It'd be naive to think we can love everyone and everything.

Day 525: I wrote here, spend some time on the NMMNG forums, read, talked a bit with friends about alcoholism, hung a few posters in my room, had a philosophy course and played board games in the evening. --- Since early afternoon, I felt that I should do something more useful with my time (most particularly to work on the business project), but I couldn't find the concentration. The philosophy seminar in the evening was fun though. Starting reading "Iron John" reminded me of the NMMNG forums. I've been thinking about how do I want to approach new women I meet and decided I want to be more aggressive overall in how much do I need to know them to engage with them romantically. I think I could easily make it so that I ask out a woman for a date every month and see what happens, but that is a plan for the future. I also didn't do dry masturbation in a long time the last night. I felt things were gonna turn for the better and there was no need to make the situation worse now. Day 526: I trained skills with my leader regarding the business idea, studied for the upcoming exam, read "Iron John", shopped, had a volunteer English class, visited my grandma and went to visit my friends in the students' pub in the evening for an hour. --- I didn't manage to fall asleep after I woke up in the early morning and I felt a sense dread inside me, arguably because of my poor preparation for the business idea and the mom situation. The training itself turned out fine in the end; I think the main thing to was just show up and try. I had a vegetable salmon salad and I enjoyed it very much. I bought toothpaste, toothbrushes, a mouse for my notebook, razor blades and shower gel - I happened to be running low on these more long-lived items. My student showed up a bit late for the class, but it turned out fine and both her and I both had a good feeling about it after. I held my last volunteer English class after, as I have more stuff to do nowadays. Visiting my grandma in the evening was fun - I sometimes talk about the girls I meet and talk to and she remembers the times when she was dating my grandpa and how did they make it happen. There was plenty of people in the pub in the evening and I didn't get to talk to all of them, but I struck two three short and sweet conversations with people.

I guess it's "fine" behavior for a teenager, but not someone mid-20 or pushing 30. The prison analogy is on point. I recently found out that I consider this sort of binge drinking as one of the more despicable examples of moral cowardice and I think this for multiple reasons: a) people engage in it voluntarily; there's no inherent human "need for alcohol" b) it somehow often serves as a "legitimate" excuse to justify doing "things"; not in the face of the law, but as a per-supposed interpersonal axiom c) people are intentionally lazy in socializing otherwise; there's not enough time to go on a hike in the afternoon, but there's always time to drink in the evening etc. I am aware I have my own demons (most particularly dry masturbation), but I feel it just stands as a more complex problem of its own, whereas quitting alcohol completely is realistic.

I feel the same. When I had a "study day" the last time, I managed about 4 hours and I felt I did something I couldn't do the next day, because I overdid it and didn't give myself enough time to relax. I had a secondary pillow ever since I was 10, but it started falling apart a few years ago. Then my X gave me an aromatic melissa pillow and I've been sleeping with it up until these days. Over time, I came to think of it as a testament that I had a woman once and that I can have one again. I kiss it good night every now and then.

Good luck with your plans! That's sounds random in the context. A couple of thoughts: I think it is exactly why you disassociated with this group of friends to the extent you did. I notice most of my friends nowadays hardly ever use insults and sarcasm in a "friendly" way as a part of the conversation. I used to be a huge trash-talker back when I was on Twitch. I am happy I got rid of most of this, judging from my environment. The singer/guitarist in my band exhibits a similar behavior at times. I remember the last weekend we got together to practice and it was just the two of us. There were groups of people, along with women that were reasonably attractive passing by. He made a few brutal jokes about them and I think at this point I can say he hates women. Regardless, it might be a good idea to keep a couple of warning examples in our lives. Lastly, I think it's interesting that it stings, because it shows that you still care about their opinion. I had a couple of these residual thoughts regarding "Girl A" recently, but I just noticed and let them go after noticing they wouldn't even lead to a sensible conversation with her.

Day 524: I read an article by Manson, went for a walk, watched "Inside Out", started reading "Iron John" by Robert Bly, went to the gym with friends, hanged out with one of them in the evening and wrote to friends online. --- I was feeling contemplative during the walk, so I wrote down a few ideas. I also walked near the river and watched ducks for a while. I started feeling better as the day progressed and I was happy to have a day according to my liking again.

Thanks guys. Even though I might have my quarrels with my mom, the state she's in I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, not the least because that resolution of analysis is not applicable when I have a helpless confused being in front me.

Day 523: I got up late and my dad called me shortly after that we have to go to the hospital where my mom was, because she got worse. We spent the whole day driving around the hospitals and doctors with her and I've just returned and had a shower. --- I finished "Notes from Underground" by Dostoevsky. Brilliantly brutal. I'm not sure how I exactly feel. This day and half of the last one were basically out of my control and I just had to deal with them, so I both felt powerlessness and rage. I also felt a bit of dread that I am after all a descendant of my mom and genes play their role in psychological illnesses. The good news for today is that I passed the exam that lingered from summer.

Day 521: I had a morning Skype class, studied for the test, cleaned my desktop, went to the gym for a leg workout, had a couple of online classes from the uni, went for a small jog with a friend, read and had a business call regarding English with a friend. Day 522: I had an English class in the morning, worked on some additional English business stuff, read, went for the exam at the uni, went to meet a friend, had an emergency, visited my grandma and I am going to unwind socially in the evening. --- I had quite big energy swings yesterday and I wanted to go out again, yet I was dead tired by 9 and even went to bed a bit earlier than I normally do. The emergency was that I got a call from my brother that my mom had collapsed in the spa she went to on Wednesday for about a month. My brother and dad went to see her in the hospital and I visited my grandma to tell her the news. They said that she was a bit "out of it", but that she recognized them and spoke with them normally. Time to unwind.

My point exactly. I'll see what comes up, but luckily it doesn't seem to be serious enough to warrant an operation. It's good to get outside some. I'm not a fan of attending big parties and drinking till I drop regardless. Funny thing is, nobody would have to ask me to quarantine two years ago, I'd happily do that on my own 😄

Day 520: I spent some time on Forex, had a Skype class, studied for over 2 hours, went to the orthopedist, read while waiting, went to sauna and socialized in the evening. --- The visit at the orthopedist went okay. The issue seems to be with repeated small traumas or something alike, so it's nothing too serious. I got an injection with a substance to help it heal and was told to give it rest from exercise until next week and then see how it feels. The visit to the sauna was great. I was there only by myself, because everybody goes there after work and I got there in the early afternoon. I enjoyed it thoroughly, immersed myself in the moment, thought about a few things and came out completely chilled and relaxed. I went out for a couple of hours in the evening with a couple of friends from the dorms and I had a good time. I drank a bit, but I didn't overdo it, left at 11 and got up at 0553 as I normally do. Good stuff.

Not yet, I am going to MRI today with my shoulder and I don't want to start before I know what's up. Jiu-jitsu is my first pick as well. Glad to read you are having fun and improving. I think the main killer in these times is the polarization; either people go out once a month to shop or they party as if the world was ending and neither is sustainable or healthy long term for most of us.

Day 519: I had a Skype class, finished the laundry, sorted out some minor stuff regarding my website, went to the gym, cooked, studied for over an hour, wrote some emails regarding upcoming courses, met with a new English student, had the volunteer class and visited my grandma in the evening. Gratitude: I am grateful for my car. It's fun to drive, especially in the evening when the roads are empty. --- The situation around CV is stepping up here again, I'd hazard a guess a second lock-down is imminent. I think I could've gone out every day these days to hang out with friends/acquaintances and to meet new people (first grades and Erasmus students arrived), but I have more than enough things on my plate to deal with to laze around and chat every single evening. It's quite the madness.

Day 518: I had a Skype class, visited "Girl A" to give her the book and for a bit of a talk, studied for the exam, finished my monthly report, read and had a philosophy seminar. For about three hours, I also had a random guy in my room, because the reception messed up the numbers of the rooms. I also visited one of the girls I met last night for a small talk and met her roommate as well. Gratitude: I am grateful for women and their ability to accept men as they are.

My favorite recent quote is this one by Dostoevsky: "The best definition of man is : a creature that walks on two legs and is ungrateful." I like the art of shooting, though it truly is one of the more expensive hobbies.

I'm using the template I used the last time. I'll also synthesize some of the ideas I mentioned in my writing on 2nd September. 14/8/20 - 21/9/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term. --- Drumming: L: I feel as if I need to practice more and keep perfecting my technique. I feel as if I hit the ceiling of my old skills. Honestly, I'm not feeling too great about it. T: We played together four or five times this term. I think doing one session during the weekend and perhaps one more during the week is ideal. We also finalized a few songs and are currently working on more. I feel better about playing in the band overall. N: We all have some contacts to set up a small gig locally, so it’s just a matter of time until we’ve practiced enough to go out and have a good evening playing music. Guns: L: I passed the gun license exam successfully and the birthday party at the shooting range went well and everybody enjoyed it. T: The party was a month ago and the only thing I did since then was to look at the prices of the Glock 19, a gun that I liked shooting with. The main point is that I’m not really in contact with anyone from the community and while there are gunslinger courses ongoing, it just doesn’t strike me that the hassle of setting something up, time and money are worth it in this area right now. N: On hold. Active writing (blogs/writings/journal): L: I almost got together another blog post, got the big report up and attended the seminar on creative writing. I also write things I notice when I am out with "Girl A". I want to post a blog post every month. T: I finished a blog article from last month, wrote the report on 2nd September and I journal here. I tend to write in bigger blocs of time and I think it’s better for continuity of the text too, so I might not write every week for 3 hours, but twice every 2 weeks for 6 hours in one day instead. N: I’m happy with how this activity is going currently. I like to sort out my thoughts about various subjects too. Books/Reading articles: L: I finished "On the Genealogy of Morality". I started reading "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature". I didn't start taking notes, mainly because my reading habit is rather haphazard. T: I finished “The Art of Loving" by Fromm and "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature" by Ridley. The latter was more technical and science-packed and offered a few good insights. The former was more humanistic, easier to digest and practical, so I might want to read it again in the future. As for articles, I am subbed to four newsletters: Manson, Peterson, Get Rich Slowly and Mr. Money Mustache. N: I got the "The Notes from Underground" by Dostoevsky. The reading habit is still kind of random. I need to get around to meditating + reading as I had planned if I am not going out for a walk + reading. Family: L: I think I may be spending more time than I need to visiting my family currently. I enjoy having lunch and chatting with grandma afterwards once a week, so I don't mind spending 2-3 hours a week like this. An interesting side note is that I might be overall more attracted to women who share personality traits with my grandma rather than my mom, because I think she was around more when I was a kid. It's different when the family (mostly mom, dad, brother and I) are together. It's strange, but it's as if there was nothing to talk about. We have lunch, then I play Scrabble with mom and then I just lounge about for a while before going home. I don't get to spend almost any time alone with any of them, though the solo conversation I had with my brother recently was good. T: I can't notice anything out of the ordinary. Meeting up with everyone once a week. N: I want to visit my parents (and my brother) once every two weeks and my grandma every week. University: L: I'm in contact to set up some consultation with the prof (along with one girl), because others seemed to have passed with relative ease. I must figure this out, so it doesn't linger. I want to keep the habit of spending one morning a week during the semester on uni stuff. I finished the GIS project, but I failed the exam again, which I was more puzzled than angry about. I feel as if this option as a means of getting myself a good/better job loses its relevance the longer I am working towards it. If I was blunt, I'd send it out to combat the triumvirate of jobs below and I do not think it would stand up to any of them. I don't need it for Forex nor the business idea. For me as an English teacher it would look nice to have the title before my name, but the field of studies is not related to it at all. The biggest advantage of it is that it does provide some nice monetary benefits in forms of lower taxes or cheaper living at the dorm, so I might want to calculate how much does it save/make me and decide whether I want to get the major or if bachelor will suffice. Another thing to consider is that I actually do not have to attend the classes, but then I'll have to catch up on any/all coursework on my own. T: The exam was postponed, but I am taking it this Friday. Other than that, I went to the school excursion. Being a student is actually a great help monetarily. It doesn’t “make me” any money directly, but it currently saves me about 30% of my expenses in forms of lower taxes/dorm living/insurance etc. N: I already started studying for the exam. After that, I want to start working on my bachelor thesis every weekend, as I already got the topic. Being social: L: I seldom go out just to go out. I like when meetings have an agenda, such as speaking in English or philosophy, rather than a random get-together of people. I talk to people more nowadays and I often face the choice of forgoing one event for another. Before that, everyone I could realistically get in contact more often than once a week were my parents. Another small shift I noticed recently was that I actively started to get invited to events, although I am aware it's still necessary to break the ice sometimes and try something new. I attended a few new events in the area and tried something new, such as playing board games in English or creative writing. This category includes meeting with friends 1-1, socializing in groups, philosophy courses, English discussion clubs, volunteer English... Some of them are great and some of them are a drag, but I figure that out over time. T: I’m stopping volunteer English come October, because I have enough courses I get paid for and enough activities as it is. As for the rest, I have no idea how to sort it out. I’m basically up for any event that interests me. Sometimes I have a good time and sometimes I wish I stayed at home and worked on something of value. I do say “no” quite a bit nowadays, especially if the event collides with my work obligations and I have no problem leaving early if it collides with my sleep schedule. I don’t want to become too "common" either. Rarity is scarcity. On the other hand, I do average some 10-15 hours physically “out” per week on these irregular events. I have no idea how to parse them further though. N: - Exercise/movement: L: I found Aikido and Krav Maga classes nearby. Aikido's advantages lie in that it's cheaper and that there's a bigger spiritual element to it. In practicality and schedule, I prefer Krav Maga - I'm in love with the idea I would get to a training at 0630. I'm going to visit both classes for comparison. I also need to figure out what's up with my shoulder and for that reason I went to the MRI with it yesterday. I want to look into diet and exercises with someone more competent. I want to pick up a martial art as well. T: I had a cold since the beginning of the month for about two and a half weeks and I only started exercising a couple of days back. I got a bit rusty since then, but I’m back at it. I’m going to the doctor for the MRI results on Wednesday. There might be some jiu-jitsu classes around as well, but I need to write them to check it out, because their websites are acting up. N: Get back into the rhythm of exercising three times a week, hopefully I won’t need an operation of my shoulder. Women/dating: L: Check posts above for more detailed info (from last report up to this report). T: Things didn’t work out with “Girl A” as I wanted them to a month ago. On the other hand, I came to accept that I do not get everything I want all the time and that some alternative results might eventually be good as well. I think I am tougher thanks to all this. I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. My baseline is still that there is currently no girl I should be kissing, let alone be having sex with. Right now, I just do not know AND feel attracted towards any woman that I’d put my trust in with that over the long term. N: I met some women at the excursion and yesterday, so I might talk to some or write to some of them soon. ----- English - Personal + Business: L: My volunteer class is growing. I don't expect to get/create any more classes during the summer. I am going to be sending out CVs in the beginning/mid August to check what's available in the city, as most courses start in September/October. I want to send out the CVs, get the FB page up and upload some photos on my website. T: I sent out the CVs, attended a few interviews and uploaded the photos on my site. I was actually surprised two companies I worked for in the past accepted my demand for a pay rise of about 20%. I’m currently setting up more classes with the companies and we’re waiting for responses from the clients, so I can fit them into my schedule. N: I want to get the FB site up. Forex: L: The past month has been quite horrible, as I went from around 110% to 75% of my initial amount. T: I am currently at 95%. I also unsubscribed from the paid online courses, as it created too much pressure on me to perform, while I know what I should do and how I should do it anyway. I have the most important parts recorded and I can go watch them at any time. N: I want to continue working on this, but nice and easy and in my own pace. Business idea Mk 2: L: I'm currently half-way through the task of asking people I have on FB to exchange phone numbers and with a bit of chat about what are they up to and what am I up to. I'm keeping stats on how many people I get the number from. Most are fine with sending it over and a bit of chat, but a few jumped and outright unfriended me, which was kind of funny. I also already assisted on a few meetings and it's interesting to get to know people in different angles this way and the reaction is usually slightly positive all things considered. I'm going with my leader for a meeting during for the whole weekend to introduce me into the company more. I think I find the most value in contacting people and setting up meetings, as I am finding I am running into some subconscious resistance by trying to make myself important and worthy of writing and communicating with people. Expanding my comfort zone is my primary motivation in this endeavor. T: I have to say the service I could do for the general public is good and that it’s one of those where everybody wins. The opportunity of potentially building up my own firm is great as well. I’m also aware I can’t teach English part-time forever and that the mode of living I’m in right now is unsustainable once I graduate. It clicks for me intellectually. There are a couple of emotional issues I am running into though regarding this. First, I lack structure. My leader said he wants to create some schedule we could follow, where all trainees would sit down and we would do things together which would be great, but currently there is no schedule in place. I’m willing to re-adjust everything except sleep and English-teaching time wise, but I need some help with organizing my time more around working on this project. What also holds me back is that it seems to me that I am using my words to get people to do something specific that I am not feeling intrinsically invested in. I believe what I am doing rationally, but I am not feeling it emotionally. I don’t know if it’s a hunch that I should get away from this or some inferiority complex that tells me that I can’t do and get what I want, but I definitely agree that it’s something very human. N: I need to sort out the schedule with my superior, so I can effectively work towards my assignments. I think the emotions/feelings get sorted out themselves regardless. ----- Masturbation - reminder: I think it'll be like with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process. Meditation: L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄 T: I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. Gratitude: L: I noticed I became more grateful in some areas, though I get cocky at times, but mostly when I am alone. I plan to mark down a thing or two in each entry that I am grateful for, preferably something original and non-repetitive. T: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I also expressed my gratitude to “Girl A” and got her a book for her birthday, as she got me a book for my birthday as well. --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: birthday at the shooting range Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

Day 517: I did the second load of laundry, worked on my monthly report, did a bit of tidying up, worked out at the gym with a friend, went for a walk, read (I started reading "Notes from Underground" by Dostoevsky, did the groceries, studied for the test on Friday and went to meet new students at a small party in the evening. I left early, so I can crush it from early morning tomorrow. Gratitude: I am grateful for books and their ability to make me wonder.

Day 516: I got up late, hammered from yesterday's workout and quite a bit of "dry" masturbation. I did the first part of my laundry, worked on my monthly report and some writing, visited my family, drummed with one of the band-mates and wrote some of my friends. I plan to spend an hour or two with another friend in the evening before going to sleep. Gratitude: I am grateful for washing powder and its light soothing scent.

Day 515: I had English classes in the morning, then I did groceries, got through the number of mails, went for a walk, read, worked out and wrote here. --- I got a few mails from language schools, offering me more classes. I'll see what comes out of it, but I welcome it nonetheless. "The Art of Loving" is short, but hard-hitting. I recommend it. --- There was (unsurprisingly) quite a bit of drinking at the excursion, but I only drank a healthy amount, so I didn't have a hangover. I'd argue most people there have had one. I think people who need to get heavily drunk time from time aren't happy in their life and with how the future is looking like for them. I am also at a loss about how can anyone find a video featuring some random fuck-up due to alcohol funny and then get absolutely hammered while having potential results of it shown to them before. Hypocritical. Just about anything that happens while one is drunk is bad/has negative consequences. I'm aghast from how many people miss that and drive, have sex or do some other shit they wouldn't even dare of thinking about while sober. I think of my sexuality as a gift and something that doesn't come easy. I'm also aware that if I talk to a girl that I initially don't find 10/10 attractive, if she's at least a bit interested and proactive, then I don't mind her looks as much. Gratitude: It's good to be back. I'm grateful for my energy and new ideas.

I've been reading here and there about this kind of stuff for a few years now, mostly Mr. Money Mustache and Get Rich Slowly. I knew I could save up money, so I just wanted some good medium to invest it in (or I decided to get my time back by working less). Be it saving half your paycheck every month or building a firm that would feed you for the rest of your life, both have the main thing - a plan.

I got this book from my older brother and I suppose it might be a good one for me to get through next, as I am almost done with "The Art of Loving". I guess it goes along with the contemporary idea that more/longer/faster is always better, but that's not always the case, as Manson described here. It has a lot to do with how active one is overall and my grandma is a testament to that. We can definitely find 90 year-olds with the energy of a teenager and a teenager with the energy of a 90 year-old. I hope your grandpa finds his peace. I'd argue nothing worse than what could happen to him inside 🙂 Good luck moving out from your parents!

I like the idea how some routine outside of work we choose and like to do can do that for us. It's part of the reason why I want to get into a martial art. I'm confident the good things will follow when we improve, including the girlfriend 🙂

Day 510, 511, 512, 513, 514: All these days were primarily spent outside, either in nature, in towns or in the bus. I didn't really do much of what I normally do, but I guess that's the point of having a few days off. Getting back to the normal mode tomorrow.

Thanks! To put it short, we traveled through a few regions of our country. I got to see some new places and got to know some new people 🙂

Day 508: I had two English classes, worked on the business project, read and went to meet up with some of my classmates from high-school. Day 509: I got up late, updated my website, read, played with the band and went out for a dinner with a friend in the evening. --- Gonna be away on an excursion the next few days, but I suppose I will still have Internet. I'm looking forward to having a bit of a holiday 😄