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Ikar

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Everything posted by Ikar

  1. I agree with you. Myself, I begin to trust people when I know that I can rely on them that it usually takes some time, but after that I believe that there are few people that I would do anything for. Haha, I'm happy you took some time to go through my posts! 🙂
  2. Good job! Try it, if you know them in person. I'd argue I just use the social hobby in order to connect with the other person, because overall I think the "factual" things like sharing hobbies are not that important for a meaningful relationship. I think being able to relate to and sympathizing with other people on a mental level is far more conductive (talking about opinions, experiences, feelings) for creation of such relationships.
  3. I watched a video about the components of happiness (in a video about personal finance, strangely enough) and it's probably why Frankl was able to get by the horrors of concentration camps. Feeling in control of our lives by choosing our responses is way more important than the place or stage we are in.
  4. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 916: I had English classes, researched the Erasmus+ project, rode the bike a bit, wrote my friends, washed the laundry and watched "Lord of War". Day 917: I read some uni papers, worked on a uni project, did a bit of chess, watched some videos about WWII, washed the dishes, read a bit about personal finance, read some of my old texts/notes and started watching "The Wire". --- This is a rare post, as I stumbled upon here after a slow, yet restorative day. I am somewhat physically limited at the moment, as I can feel some pain in my throat, so I didn't even go outside, to the gym or to plant trees at an uni event (which was the original plan for today) and stayed put the whole day. Having this unusually slow day, I decided I'd look after my shelved texts, hobbies and projects which sparked some ideas in my head and was fun as well. I ordered a book I had a good laugh reading over five years ago. I re-watched a video about the relationship money and time have in our lives. I also realized that I have a lot of work to do with my English-teaching business, university, family, dating... but today, I decided to relax, to appreciate the progress and to be grateful for all the progress I've made.
  5. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    It's an interesting concept to cross-quote myself from a different topic. Some ideas: A thought based on 1): Nobody really cares how many times I lose before I win. Except for me. 2) is a reminder for me to think about this text the next time I'm doing a monthly report.
  6. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 909: I prepared for my English classes, had a light workout, had a nap, worked on uni assignments, watched a few videos about nuclear energy and environmental sustainability, wrote here and went for a drink and a dance in the evening. Day 910: I worked on uni assignments, visited my family and worked out in the evening. Day 911: I had uni classes and English classes and a social evening. Day 912: I worked out, uni classes, English classes, watched a talk with Sowell about the philosophy of economics, washed the dishes and had a social evening. Day 913: I had English classes, went for a walk, did some shopping and had sushi with my brother. Day 914: I had English classes, watched another talk with Sowell, inflated my bike and went to an English speaking event in the evening. Day 915: Today - TBA. --- I'm in favor of nuclear energy, because it produces only a handful of waste that has to be safely stored. Compared to coal plants that just put the pollution into the air and take a heavy toll in strokes, respiratory illnesses and other diseases. Even the most advanced countries in the world are not able to go full renewable at this point and some are even closing down nuclear reactors to replace them with coal plants (Germany). Insanity. I'm gonna get a passport. If I had a passport, I could've gone to an EU paid trip to Turkey on Sunday for a week with focus on online English teaching. I got to know that yesterday evening. Crazy.
  7. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    There have been times where I played less and when I was disgusted by gaming and where I felt it's not sustainable and was on and off about gaming. However it's not documented here, because I just haven't relapsed since I started writing the diary here. I honestly feel like my life got a lot better since I stopped gaming and I live by that. I really got 8 hours of free time back on weekdays and 14 hours of free time on weekends. I tried to cut an hour or two from gaming before to study, exercise, do whatever, but it hasn't worked for me and I had to stop completely. There are days where I feel like doing nothing or when I have too much free time, but then I just decide to sleep, go for a walk, have a shower, watch some lecture on YT or do some household chores. I've honestly never felt stressed out by life's events to get me back to gaming and I don't feel a pull to make it a hobby. I also thought gaming was really the thing that kept me from more valuable things - success at work, at the university, in relationships. I actually broke up with my X a month before I quit gaming. I thought very heavily about that. I felt like I had nothing but gaming when I quit gaming. It's like when people quit smoking, because they got a heart attack, but they wouldn't do that before it happened. I think that if you can half-ass gaming while still having decently healthy relationships/work/hobbies, then you are going to do that. Can you get your family/friends to support you with their care and maybe create some rewards for you if you stay away from gaming?
  8. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 900: I had English classes, went to the gym, went for a walk, went to an art exhibit where my mom had her paintings and attended the English event in the evening for a while. Day 901: I had English classes, went to my car mechanic, worked on a school project and went out with a girl I've met recently. Day 902: I cleaned my room, washed the dishes, visited my family and met up with my high-school classmates in the evening. Day 903: I had a solo English class, worked on my monthly report, worked out at the gym and played billiard in the evening. Day 904: I had English classes, had uni classes, read something about WWII, had a social evening and did some uni reading before sleep. Day 905: I had English classes, uni classes and a social evening. Day 906: I had English classes, watched a talk by Milton Friedman and wrote here/worked on my monthly report. Day 907: I had English classes, collected wood for a BBQ, finished my monthly report, watched a talk by Thomas Sowell and had a social evening. Day 908: I had English classes and went to the BBQ. Day 909: Today - TBA.
  9. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Thanks. The swimming pool is not too far from where I live and I've gone swimming before from time to time on my own, but at this point it's easier for me to jump into the gym without any travel time than to go through the hassle of walking/driving/cycling to the swimming pool and making my schedule to work with it. I'm gonna go for a walk/workout today, I went to the gym on Thursday but only for a while.
  10. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    I'm using the template I used the last time. 10/09/21 - 14/10/21 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period. --- Active writing (blog/writings/journal): L: I wrote here, though I didn't work on my blog post. I have been encouraged by multiple to write more though and I do like the way I put sentences together, either in text or in speech - it is an art! T: I've been writing to one friend, exchanging a lot of ideas together, however I don't think there's any novel thought in that I could extrapolate from and write here. No progress on my blog. Future goals/direction: Finish Past Authoring and the whole course. Write on my blog. Keep writing in my diary here twice a week. Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book. Books/Reading articles: L: I read "The Little Book of Common Sense Investing" by Bogle (personal finance) and caught up on newsletters too. T: I read a part of Solzhenitsyn's "Gulag Archipelago" I wanted to read for a while. Other than that, just the newsletters. Future goals/direction: Continue getting through the newsletters. Family: L: My mom's been on a long-term sick leave for almost a year now. She's gonna be in the hospital for the next three weeks to see if she improves there. Tomorrow, I am meeting my father for lunch and with my brother for sushi dinner. I'm happy they are both willing to help me when I need their help and in turn they can count on me. T: I've noticed that my mom is making effort to get closer to me, however I feel fairly indifferent towards her. I am not sure whether I feel that way because my brother and I learnt as kids to get by without her support to a large extent or whether it's just too early for me to buy into that she's making a turn to become more family-oriented, but I just don't seem to care so far. Future goals/direction: Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family. University: L: The university should start in a week. The dorm is getting busier, as some foreign exchange and even home students have already arrived. T: The uni situation is a lot more interesting now! More things to do, assignments to finish... Some of the classes are fairly interesting and entertaining, the other ones are the same tedium as they've always been. Future goals/direction: Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis. Work on the assignments in a timely manner. Exercise/movement: L: The gym was closed since the end of July until this Monday, meaning I only made it there today. I went to the jiu-jitsu classes in August, but I can't make it work with my work schedule too well. I walked quite a lot - the city center is about two kilometers and I am there every other day. I have been thinking about picking up evening Krav Maga courses to have more regular martial art exercise. T: I usually make it to gym at least twice a week, on top of cycling a bit if I have in-person classes and the odd walk if I have more free time. I still feel the back from time to time from sitting too much due to work though. Future goals/direction: Martial art research. Keep in shape. English: L: I'm positive I'm gonna be able to have above 25 hours of classes every week, that is if they do not collide with my university duties. I sent out the mails and the past two weeks have been fairly hectic in communication. T: I am currently working with 20-25 hours of English per week and I'm not interested in taking up more courses, because I wouldn't have the time for them anyway. I'm also meeting my English teacher/friend every Tuesday in the class, so it's perfect to have the inspiration at hand. Future goals/direction: Look into strategies in becoming truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between. I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor. I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. Women/dating: L: T: I'm fairly positive I am making progress in this area. It's really only about having the guts to say hi and then making the ask to meet. It needs to become the routine, if I want to have some control over this aspect of my life. The end-result doesn't actually matter. And I'm aware I will make mistakes, get myself in stupid situations, get used and whatnot, but it's all in the game. I'm fairly adamant and determined in this. I've done a lot of scouting recently, so I got some "hard data" on a few girls I was interested in. Future goals/direction: Set up at least two dates a month. Men: T: I got rid of the "Social" part of the report and rather added this section on how I relate to men. This is likely to take more time and introspection however. A few guys and I formed a gym group, for which I am fairly happy and they're a good bunch to talk to, joke around and hang out with. Future goals/direction: - ----- Additional thoughts: - ----- SECTION REMOVED - to make the report less cluttered and easier to read.
  11. It's quite an interesting idea. I do not think success itself is the driver most people follow. I think most people want to avoid feeling bad, so they are loss-averse by nature. I don't think I've ever met anyone who likes to lose, make mistakes etc. I think what happens with us in games overall is this: There is a way to eliminate failure. Some games allow for that, others do not. I can't possibly "permanently lose" e.g. a Pokémon Crystal game - if I get beat, I lose some money, but my Pokémons are still the same, nobody takes them away from me and I can always go back to the start and beat level 2 Caterpies and ask for pocket money from your in-game mom. It was more difficult with games like XCOM or FTL, because there was a chance I just lost no matter what I did and because they are RNG games to a great degree, but most of the time my decisions mattered and I could influence the fate of the game-play. The same goes towards online games like HS too - sometimes my opponent got the perfect cards and I lost. And all of the above, I can track pretty well, either through in-game statistics or through spreadsheets, the options are endless. The idea that games provide "constant measurable progress" is in some of Cam's GQ videos. Mind you that too much success (and no challenge) leads to complacency, rigidity and ultimately downfall. There's no growth without pressure. The issue with real life is that it can't be put into numbers very easily. --- To put a real example here, I'm currently making an effort to find dates and a girlfriend. I met a girl last Monday, had a good chat with her for a while, wrote her to meet up and she agreed. Five minutes into the second meeting, I found out she had a boyfriend, yet I didn't just turn around on my heel, as I promised her a walk around the city she doesn't know. I spent some two hours with her, had a good conversation with her, found out she's a good speaker and discussed some views on philosophy and politics. The advice I could take from this regarding my dating life: Be more aware of social situations when I am first interacting with a girl I like and be better at scouting to find out whether she's already seriously dating someone or not. Then again, I got something I wasn't expecting but is valuable as well: thinking about reconsidering some of my life views through a good debate. All in all, it's impossible to answer the question: Was it a success or a failure? Well, It depends on how I choose to look at it.
  12. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 894: I had English classes and wrote friends in the evening. Day 895: I worked on a school project, met up with my geography group, watched a few YT videos about the great series "The Wire" and watched "The Gentlemen" in the evening. Day 896: I did the laundry, read a bit about Russian history/politics, did the salary paperwork, washed the dishes, watched Kurzgesagt, visited my family, worked out at the gym, read the instruction manual for my car and wrote friends. Day 897: I had English classes, uni classes and went to the cinema to see the new James Bond movie. Day 898: I had English classes, went to the gym, had uni classes and had a social evening. Day 899: I had English classes, cleaned my room, went to the uni for one meeting, biked a bit and got through the emails. --- My back hurts and I don't like the fact. I'm fairly static for a lot of the time due to the online classes/uni classes I have, even though I have in-person classes and I hit the gym often. I'm gonna monitor that, so I don't feel miserable because of it. My mom's situation is that she's on disability pension due to her mental problems for the next three years. I'm gonna talk to her more to find out the specifics of her condition, so I can understand her better.
  13. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Hypothetically? It depends what kind of area of life we're talking about. I'm quite an orderly and organized person, but I think I am also creative enough to fill in any few remaining gaps I might have in my schedule. If I find out my lesson got canceled, I might go to the gym, write a message to a friend, clean the room or do something else that is useful. I honestly don't mind doing the same things every day.
  14. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    I stumbled upon the text file of this report regarding my time usage about a year ago. It made me realize that even though I feel I am the same every day, I certainly do different things over time. It made me realize there is not enough time to do everything and be everywhere. It made me realize what I enjoy and value. For example, I was juggling three jobs the last September and eventually, I got into teaching English the most and it's been my main for about a year now. I could go on about which activities changed, transformed and so on, but I think at this point I am beginning to face a bigger challenge: 1) how to safeguard my free time and 2) how to trust myself I am going to use it well
  15. Despite the fact that the last time I gamed was two and a half years ago, every time I come to my parents' house for anything else than Sunday lunch, my energy and motivation to do anything productive is instantly sapped and I get a permit to just laze around. I can't imagine living there again.
  16. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Thanks! I talked to her a bit yesterday in a group setting and I sent her a message today to meet up on Monday again. We'll see how that goes. --- Day 891: I had English classes, read some articles for a university course, wrote here, went outside to hop around with basketball (some Erasmus guys joined me later) and had a social evening. Day 892: I worked on a uni assignment, had English classes and had a social evening. Day 893: I went to the gym, had English lessons and decided to relax on my own in the evening and to write this. --- I feel these past two weeks have been somewhat rough, sort of living the lifestyle of "work hard, play/party hard". I get these weird stretches of time where sometimes minutes drag like hours, but on the other hand the days seem to be going by extremely fast. I feel as if I need to be doing something all the time, while I'm having a hard time relaxing in some sensible matter on my own when I do not need to do anything. As for dating, in the future I want to go out with multiple women at once or live the scenario where I know I have the option to do so. I think I am slowly trending towards it, as with the dorms full of people, I'm put on the spot. I dislike the idea of either not dating at all or being locked into seeing just one option as predominantly prevalent, no matter how viable it is.
  17. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 889: I wrote here, prepared for a date, visited my family and watched a comedy in the evening. Day 890: I worked out at the gym, had uni classes, an English class of my own and went to a date in the evening. Day 891: Today - TBA. --- Today is national holiday, meaning there are no uni or company courses, so I'm trying to figure out what to do and writing a diary entry seems like a solid thing to do. I set up a date yesterday with a girl I talked to for about an hour last Sunday. I took her for a walk around the city center, showed her a few places, went to a café... we had a similar flow of conversation as we did the last week for about two and a half hours and I think it was meaningful. I already know that I want to organize something similar with her the next week and I'm going to do that. What bugs me the most is that I do not know much more than that. I don't feel much more than that. I'm in uncharted territory, as any time I tried to date for the long term, no sexual relationship has come out of it. We always got physical fairly fast. Regardless, I think the right answer to that is just to do what I normally do, to not overthink it and go on/organize more dates.
  18. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Thanks! --- Day 885: I had English classes, went to the gym, went through mails, wrote here, went to the shop, attended the meeting of my geography group and had a social evening. Day 886: I had English classes, picked up my mom from the hospital and spent some time with her and had a social evening. Day 887: I had English classes, went for a walk, got through mails and watched "The Rock" in the evening. Day 888: I reorganized my room, cleaned it, washed the dishes, spent the afternoon with a friend and helped her transport a new chair and watched a comedy film in the evening. Day 889: Today - TBA.
  19. I think you are right about the fiction of porn and I'd add to that also dating apps and perhaps advertisement in general. I've never really watched porn, although I stopped using the milder substitute I had instead of it a year or two ago. The quarrel I have with dating apps (despite finding a girlfriend there a few years ago, amazingly enough) is that it reduces people to a bunch of photos; for women ideally something sexy/explicit and for guys ideally something confident/accomplished. The real world is so much more nuanced (and I'd even say favorable) for meeting people that for most people, the plethora of opportunities available IRL makes dating apps pale in comparison. Adverts overall have the same problem as dating apps - I wonder what is the average time taken going through one dating profile. There's been some counterculture I've noticed on TV regarding the beauty standard. However it's not very trustworthy, as it uses the same techniques the opposite side does, mostly just trying to shock and not offering any middle ground. Meanwhile, back in reality, we have to play the cards we've been dealt, as the three aforementioned environments are not based in reality.
  20. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 882: I wrote here, prepared for my English classes, visited my family and met with the new Czech students at the dorm in the evening. Day 883: I had English classes, university classes and was social in the evening. Day 884: I had English classes, university classes, worked out at the gym, got through some newsletters and mails and sang karaoke in the evening. Day 885: Today - TBA. --- This last week's been fairly great. I am meeting a lot of new and old people and generally enjoying the evenings socially, both with girls and boys. I found out that the masters' courses at the uni are more practical and need more independent action from me compared to my bachelor studies. I like that, as I can work on the things in my own time. I was also surprised by the fact that the uni and my own English classes do not clash at all, as they are all in different times and I only had to make minor adjustments.
  21. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 874: I wrote here, prepared for my classes next week, watched some documentaries, tried writing another article for my blog, watched "Talented Mister Ripley", played football and went out to the English speaking event in the evening. Day 875: I watched some documentaries, visited my family and cleaned my room & dishes. Day 876: I had English classes, had an interview, worked out at the gym, read a part of "Gulag Archipelago" I wanted to go through again for a long time and watched "Hurt Locker" in the evening. Day 877: I went to donate blood together with a girl I know, did some shopping, worked at the gym, watched some documentaries and had a social evening. Day 878: I had English lessons and a social evening. Day 879: I had English lessons, got through the mails, figured out my university schedule, went to the shop and had a social evening. Day 880: I had English lessons, worked out at the gym, met up with the university students from my bachelor studies, played billiard and spent the night dancing. Day 881: I got through some newsletters, did the laundry, played football and was social in the afternoon/evening. Day 882: Today - TBA. --- I enjoyed both the Ripley and Hurt Locker films for their endings. I have to say that the social events I have been going to have changed in the past few months. Before that it was mostly playing cards in the hall with other Czech people, though in June the restaurants/bars were already open and I started going out more to events there as well. I think I am learning more socially (and about myself) thanks to my evenings being more diverse. Monday and Tuesday were very calm, yet the rest of the workweek has been fairly busy, while I am keeping active of my own volition during the weekend. With all that I have planned for the next week (meaning work + university), I am already looking at around 45 hours of planned activity the next week.
  22. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 869: I went to the dentist, wrote here, had English classes, played Scrabble with mom, played football and had a social evening. Day 870: I cleaned my room, washed the dishes, got through the mails, went for a walk, worked on resolving my internet issues at the dorm, had an English class and worked on the monthly report. Day 871: I had English classes, went for a lunch with my dad, had sushi with my brother for dinner and watched a short documentary about WWII. Day 872: I got a new haircut, read a bit about the Normandy WWII landings, had English classes and went to an English speaking event in the evening. Day 873: I got through mails, had English classes, got the results from a voting calculator, worked out at the gym, resolved the internet issue, watched a few YT videos about finance and psychology, went for a walk and finished the monthly report. Day 874: Today - TBA. --- I am thinking about some new approaches to English (both in teaching itself and in marketing), so it's gonna be great to meet my teacher at the university again. I was having some internet issues the past week and a half, but they are resolved now. It was somewhat annoying to run on the WiFi all the time, because the cable is the cable! I played football and went to the gym, both after a long time. I'm happy for that, as I need the exercise to tire myself to sleep well at night. There are self-defense courses at the uni and the evening Krav Maga courses as well, so I have more things to choose from. The English event on Thursday was fun and I circulated a lot, talking to new people. The voting calculator left me somewhat dazzled, as the three top parties (roughly with equal percentages) I identify with are from the moderate left, populist center and conservative right. It seems it's not easy to put me into a box of a political party! My father did the work and fixed the bike for me. I'm grateful to him for that. I finished the monthly report, because I felt it had to be done, but I don't think I gave it enough thought as I would like to. It was more of a statement of what I did or what happened rather than a good reflection. I guess I'll catch up on it in my regular entries. The past two weeks have been somewhat stressful, although it never really got on top of me to bring me down into prolonged bad mood. I'm gonna use this weekend to relax and do some hobbies.
  23. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    I'm using the template I used the last time. 23/07/21 - 10/09/21 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period. --- Active writing (blog/writings/journal): L: About three weeks ago I wrote a few short texts here. I also attempted to write a start of my new blog post at the weekend. T: I wrote here, though I didn't work on my blog post. I have been encouraged by multiple to write more though and I do like the way I put sentences together, either in text or in speech - it is an art! Future goals/direction: Finish Past Authoring and the whole course. Write on my blog. Keep writing in my diary here twice a week. Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book. Books/Reading articles: L: My inbox is clear and I have read the first two books of "Warrior Kid" series by Willink. They're pretty simple, straightforward and believable. T: I read "The Little Book of Common Sense Investing" by Bogle (personal finance) and caught up on newsletters too. Future goals/direction: Continue getting through the newsletters. Read "The Little Book of Common Sense Investing" by Bogle. Family: L: My father helped me with a few things regarding the car and I am going to get sushi with my brother the next week. T: My mom's been on a long-term sick leave for almost a year now. She's gonna be in the hospital for the next three weeks to see if she improves there. Tomorrow, I am meeting my father for lunch and with my brother for sushi dinner. I'm happy they are both willing to help me when I need their help and in turn they can count on me. Future goals/direction: Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family. University: L: I meet fellow students here and there, although I am not studying at all at the moment. T: The university should start in a week. The dorm is getting busier, as some foreign exchange and even home students have already arrived. Future goals/direction: Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis. Exercise/movement: L: I've been keeping up with the movement quite well, despite the fact gym was opened and closed about the same time. T: The gym was closed since the end of July until this Monday, meaning I only made it there today. I went to the jiu-jitsu classes in August, but I can't make it work with my work schedule too well. I walked quite a lot - the city center is about two kilometers and I am there every other day. I have been thinking about picking up evening Krav Maga courses to have more regular martial art exercise. Future goals/direction: Martial art research. Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise). Social: L: I started visiting more social groups that I used to visit in the past. I met with my geography group, English speaking evening group and others. T: I went to a few trips that lasted a day or more. Other than that, I continued going to the English group and the billiard events in the evening. Future goals/direction: - English: L: I have a few lessons less, but it's still nearly 20 hours of classes in July/August. T: I'm positive I'm gonna be able to have above 25 hours of classes every week, that is if they do not collide with my university duties. I sent out the mails and the past two weeks have been fairly hectic in communication. Future goals/direction: I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email. (do in August) I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor. I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. Women/dating: L: T: I noticed that I am thinking more outside of my head about this topic and around friends which is good. Future goals/direction: - Additional activities: Personal finance: I've gone from actively spending time on this topic to more passive scanning. Chess: I still do a bit of chess every now and then, but not as often as before. Marksmanship: I've been having thoughts about returning to this hobby. Films: I watched a few films in the last month. The past month saw a steady decline though. ----- Masturbation - reminder: L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process. This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over. T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area. Meditation: L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄 I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore. T: - Gratitude: L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues. T: - --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude: I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had March/April 2019, because it could be deadly. I gained the ability to plan after I quit games. Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before. I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now. I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one. I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming. Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received. I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say. I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about. I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life. I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE. It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.
  24. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Continuation: I've been playing pool and billiard in the evenings recently. It's a fairly interesting social hobby, surprisingly good for training precision and technique. I have not attended the BJJ class in the past two weeks, mainly because the time-slot doesn't work well with my job, as I often teach until the evening. I'm researching other options that would be more suitable for my time schedule. Related to the sport/coordination/movement hobbies, I have been thinking about picking up some dance classes, as I have never attended one and I already do have a pretty nice looking suit I'm not using. Joining a shooting club's been on my mind as well. It's been a crazy past few days that I've spent quite socially and with not enough sleep. I tend to be fairly irritable when I am on low sleep. Today and yesterday I've caught up on it though, so I'm feeling better already. I had two or three good talks the past week with people: one with a new guy I share some views with, one with an older guy encouraging me to write more (based on the compliment I gave him that I noticed he structures his sentences beautifully and uses advanced words in speech with confidence) and one I mentioned earlier with my friend about physical/psychical pain and feeling sorry. I also need to start work on my monthly report!
  25. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 861: I wrote here, got through newsletters, visited my family and grandma and played billiard in the evening. Day 862: I had and English class, got the pay raise, did the laundry, got through the mails, got my car back and watched a film with a friend in the evening. Day 863: I started moving, had English classes, did some paperwork and cooked with my friend. Day 864: I continued moving, talked to a friend and had English classes. Day 865: I finished moving, got through mails, had English classes, got my car through the technical check, washed the dishes and went to an English speaking event. Day 866: I had English classes, got through mails and had a social evening. Day 867: I had a social day - I played billiard and had Thai food. Day 868: I helped my friend to move, spent time with my family and slept over at my parents' house. Day 869: Today - TBA. --- I prepared diligently for the interview for the pay raise and I got it, although it is only enough to cover the inflation of the past two years. I think I have pretty much hit the ceiling with what the private language schools are able to offer me and I'm also running into the limitations of my time. I also declined the high school teaching job, because it was further away and because I actually still don't know my university schedule. I have more flexibility teaching single bite-sized courses once or twice a week than having to be somewhere thrice a week to spread out the classes for teenagers. This got mentioned at the English speaking event, but I have not been working on my own marketing of my English business. I finished my website in March 2020, updated it in November 2020 and about a month ago I put myself on Google Maps. I'm gonna ask my friend how to go about this, because he is already doing what I am aiming at. My car's been successfully fixed, passed the technical check and I can drive it for the next two years. My bike is not yet fixed, but I am gonna make time to let it get fixed. I had my friend as a roommate for a few days and it has been fairly interesting and fun. We went to a couple of events together and I had a few interesting insights from those days and then I helped her to move. The main one is perhaps that I am able to say sorry to people when I hurt them physically by accident, but I hardly ever apologize for psychical pain (i.e. in a fit of anger), as it's difficult for me to feel guilty for that and because it's not objective. pool BJJ - 10-6 worktime dance - shooting range too social? MONTHLY good talk A quote from a film I saw the last week that I resonate with. Don't mind the numbers! 854 01:46:25,526 --> 01:46:27,721 "I have lived through much, 855 01:46:28,829 --> 01:46:32,526 "and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. 856 01:46:36,370 --> 01:46:39,065 "A quiet secluded life in the country, 857 01:46:40,974 --> 01:46:45,707 "with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, 858 01:46:47,513 --> 01:46:50,949 "and who are not accustomed to have it done to them. 859 01:46:52,819 --> 01:46:55,912 "And work which one hopes may be of some use. 860 01:46:57,589 --> 01:47:01,889 "Then rest, nature, books, music, 861 01:47:02,628 --> 01:47:04,619 "love for one's neighbor. 862 01:47:08,600 --> 01:47:11,034 "Such is my idea of happiness. 863 01:47:13,972 --> 01:47:20,535 "And then, on top of all that, you for a mate, 864 01:47:21,746 --> 01:47:23,680 "and children perhaps. 865 01:47:25,583 --> 01:47:28,381 "What more can the heart of a man desire?" TBD