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Ashley K.

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Everything posted by Ashley K.

  1. DAY 23: Literally feel like giving up. Been having dreams of playing games, thinking I've played only to realize I haven't. Drawing isn't working out well. Neither is graphic design. I just feel like I'm not cut out for it even though I love it. I may give up.
  2. DAY 22: I was super lazy today. Didn't draw, watch any tutorials, or even read a book. I just watched the rest of the 4th season of American Horror Story. Awhile ago, I was complaining about drawing, how I wanted to draw really well, etc. My husband told me that all I do is practice twice a week. If I really want to draw and I love it I would be drawing every single day. I also complained that I wanted to use the tablet to draw but asking questions and reading around on forums and websites, people say that it's better to start drawing traditionally first. He said that I should just do what I feel is right for myself, not what someone says. Now I'm sitting here conflicted, feeling lazy, wondering what to do. This sucks.
  3. DAY 21: Lol, I missed 2 days of journal entry. I've been trying to keep myself busy. Well, today was okay. I'll just remember not to take my husband out anywhere next time. He kind of made it unpleasant while went shopping today. As most of you know kids, especially 5 year olds are going to make all kinds of noise since they're well...kids! I didn't mind it much that he was talking a little loud or making noises, just don't wander away from me, let go of my hand or throw a tantrum. Other than that it's all good. He didn't really let him talk loud or make much noise because he kept constantly shushing him to the point where he was sucking the fun out of the day. Went to Trader Joe's (great store btw), a little crowded but its Saturday so why wouldn't it be? All he wanted to do was leave. My son was acting silly and my husband ended up taking him outside to wait which sucked because that's not what I wanted. So now I know that trying to go out anywhere with him may be a drag. It's been 21 days and I'm learning a lot more than I thought I would. I'm still stumbling here and there but it's going to happen during this transition. Another thing I can't seem to get through to my husband is that I quit playing video games. He talked about some brand new game that was free on the xbox and said he would download it for me. I told him that I quit playing and he just rolled his eyes at me. I don't know how many times I've said that to him. He just doesn't seem to get it. But there's not much I can do about that. Being that person on the outside looking in, the life of a gamer just seems really...dull, boring, lifeless, unfulfilling, time wasting. It's sad. What's going to happen when the baby comes? He still has no job. I'm struggling to get myself established, my priorities straight and I'm still debating on what to do besides graphic design. I've mentioned I wanted to do other things along with graphic design but I'm still thinking about what my interests are. I'll still draw, but I know I have some interests that I don't know about. This feels like I'm soul searching, lol.
  4. This may be a rant so just bear with me. For the past 2 days, my husband felt the need to wear my sunglasses while he's on the computer because he says that the monitor hurts his eyes. I've been telling him over and over that he needs to go see an ophthalmologist. He said with what money? (he hasn't found a job in a year). I have issues sharing things that belong to me. Now I don't know if I'm being selfish or what. I just have issues with him using my things. Should I just let it go and let him use my things or be a little annoyed about it and tell him?
  5. DAY 18: My new laptop came today! I'm so excited to be using it to put in my journal entry . I wrote out what I feel I should be doing during the week in my new weekly planner. I feel its productive since it's mostly researching and practicing drawing, using the new tablet, illustration, all that fun stuff I'm going to go now and play around with the laptop for a little bit .
  6. DAY 17: I missed a couple of days of posting in my journal. The reason why is because I've been busy . I've been studying graphic design/illustration/some concept art. When I was tired, I watched The Walking Dead for a little bit. On Monday and Today I've been busy going shopping with my mom all day long. Went to my doctor's appointment today. I couldn't get an ultrasound picture of my son since he was facing my spine, lol. But I'm scheduled to have a c-section on November 10th. I finally got my Wacom Intuos tablet aaaand my new laptop will be coming tomorrow. So I'll be able to practice traditional and digital drawing/sketching. Making up some designs and eventually work on my portfolio. I hope no one thought I relapsed because I have been getting urges but I was able to fight them off by doing other things which worked our really really well. Well now I'm going to sketch a little bit even though I'm going to hate how it looks, lol and then I'm going to nap
  7. Day 14 (Sept. 10): Pregnancy is really kicking my ass, lol. Always sleepy 3, 4 hours after I wake up. I'm getting lazy with these journal entries. I didn't sleep very well since I had a lot on my mind. Mostly with my family (children and myself). I know I said I can't worry about my husband but I do...sometimes. Right now I feel like he's immature. But I can't be sure. What do you guys consider immature?
  8. DAY 13: Still didn't get much done today like I said I was going to yesterday. It's a little disappointing but that's okay. Just have to take one step at a time. I have to work on my time management. Still looking up tutorials on it along with graphic design/drawing. There's a lot more subjects that I'm interested in learning but at the moment I'm just learning what I can on graphic design/drawing. Sold some more of my old CDs/DVDs/cellphones/games. Progress is a process. Even though it's slow, I'm still moving forward.
  9. DAY 12: Woke up at 7:30AMFelt sluggish/sick (That's what I get for eating at 2AM, lol)Made breakfast for my son and husbandTook a nap at 11AM, Woke up at 2PMAte a chicken breast/pepperoni/turkey ham calzone with mozorella (husband made it. Was delish)Fell asleep again around 8PMWoke up at 10:40PMAnd now I'm here finishing up this list while I look up websites to sell my CDs/DVDs and the rest of my gamesI would say today just consisted with me mostly napping a lot and eating, lol. Tomorrow will be another day where I'll get shit done
  10. Hey Jared, I'm glad you came here to join us! Welcome!
  11. DAY 11: Today was another day of being a bit productive/nesting, lol. I ended up trading in almost all of my games since some others games I have I probably have to sell on amazon, which is fine. The games I did trade in I got for over $200. I really didnt feel like waiting to sell them on amazon, ebay, etc since I just wanted to get them off my hands as soon as possible. I'm not even complaining about the amount I got from the trade in because at least it's something and not nothing . My husband gave me some games that belonged to his friend and just decided to trade those also. But certain games that was "nostalgic" like Pokemon Red, Blue, etc. He didn't want me to sell because they were classics. I, on the other hand didn't give a shit. I just wanted to get them off my hands. I talked to him about what he thinks I should do, Sell or Trade-In, he told me his opinion and that was it but I still had a hard time deciding at the time. So when I tried talking to him about what he thinks I should do, he just snapped at me and told me that he already told me his opinion and doesn't understand why I kept looking at him and asking. Mind you think happened twice throughout the day. So, I just said fine whatever, just fuck it and chose what to do. What bothers me the most is the fact that even though I've only quit for 11 days which he knows I have, he will constantly play video games, watch his streams, youtube videos, and read guides on certain games he plays, he will still talk to me about games which bothers me because he knows I've quit. It just feels like he has no consideration. What's worse is the fact that he's not looking for a job right now. Maybe I shouldn't be saying this, but it's how I feel while I go through this detox. It's just bullshit. Plus the dream of wanting and needing to move out of my parents' house is looking very distant. I honestly don't know when and if it's going to happen. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to have to do it on my own. (Sorry for the rant )
  12. DAY 10: Woke up, ate breakfast, relaxed for a little bit, then ended up drawing for literally 2 minutes until I decided to look up the KonMari method of organizing on Youtube, lol. Decided that the majority of the things I have in my room I needed to donate. Most of which were video games. I thought I only had a few here and there in some boxes, but I ended up finding them all over the house. I threw away old papers, items that I thought were sentimental but ended up being trash anyway. I'm still on a manhunt for more things to donate. Unfortunately, I don't have any boxes at the moment to store them in so that Goodwill can come and pick them up. While I'm typing this I'm thinking what else I n need to donate. Probably electronics. The wires I have, USB cords, HDMI cables, etc I have no idea what to do with those. If I can donate them I will. I feel more productive than I did this morning. But I have to take it easy and not over-exert myself. If anyone has any other places where I can either sell/donate anything just let me know
  13. Day 9: Even though it's been 9 days, I feel like I've made some progress. Really didn't get to do much today other than order a mechanical drawing pencil, lol. I'm still struggling with time management. When I try to think of things to do, it always consits of watching drawing/graphic design tutorials. I kept thinking about the times I watched tutorials on Call of Duty, Halo, League of Legends, city building games, The Sims, etc. and how I learned so much that I knew what to do and how to do it like it was second nature. Ever since I quit and I've been learning techniques on drawing/graphic design, It feels much harder than I thought it would. It's not going to make me give up since it's only a challege that I know and CAN accomplish. It's just going to take much longer than what I'm used to. But when I do, I'll reap the rewards, I'll cry knowing that for the first time I didn't give up because it was hard and I'm looking for an easy way out. Can't wait for what the oncoming days of my detox brings!
  14. DAY 8: Today hasn't been a very productive day as much as I would like it to be. I noticed earlier today that my son who's 5 years old, plays NickJr or Nickelodeon games. He refused to use the bathroom just so that he can keep playing. When I saw the signs of gaming addiction happening as young as him, it upset me. Moreso than I thought it would, so what I did is I downloaded Cold Turkey which blocks programs, websites, etc. and I blocked those websites from him so now the only website he knows of that he can go on is an educational website called ABCmouse, Which he is subscribed to. I told him that we were going to start reading, drawing and doing all kinds of awesome activities together. I'm glad I caught it before it got any worse. This was my fault completely and I've acknowledged it. I tried to draw a little today and all I did was sketch some eyes and tried to sketch a mouth from a zombie (didn't work out so well). My eyes welled up when I noticed how bad it looked. I wanted to give up right then and there, but my accountability partner told me to embrace the pain/crying and that being an artist is tough and to suck it up, princess, lol. He said to kick ass, living is pain. Pain enhances the sense and adds value to life. So now, I'm pushing on and continue to draw, do my graphic design, and set up my blog with my work on it.
  15. Ashley K.

    Need Some Help

    Reading a book is a good way of handling downtime. Or going for a short walk, I would say watch a movie but sometimes when that happens you end up watching movie after movie.
  16. Day 7: Yes! It's been a week! I'm so proud of myself. This past week has been motivating and I didn't think it would be. Having an awesome accountability partner along with a community of supportive people and such a great coach (Cam, obviously lol). So far I've been studying a lot on graphic design (decided not to give it up) and I already knew a bit about it before but I've learned even more. I'm still going to do the other aforementioned things I was going to do. It's just going to take time, that's all. It's hard and heartbreaking for me to watch my husband playing video games, watching streams, looking up websites on Pokemon to help his gameplay. But there's not much I can do there. I just have to focus on my progress and where I'm headed with the goals I'm setting for myself. Today my son wanted to blow bubbles outside while I was cooking dinner, I let him but told him to stay on the porch where I can see him. I noticed that I didn't become as irritated as I used to when I would be playing video games and he would bother me and distract me. Now that I think about it, it actually makes me want to cry about how bad the gaming addiction was that I was getting irritated at my son constantly for the smallest things. But now! When I look at him, he is such an amazing kid! A bit mischevious, but what 5 year old isn't? Lol. I'm just happy that I quit when I did and I'm on the right track and appreciating the little things that life has to offer. I can't wait for the next 83 days. Just realized that my second son will be born during my detox. November 16th So if I can and if no one minds, I will try and either get a video or picture of Harper (baby), Aiden (5 year-old son) and myself together!
  17. Day 6: Last night I felt a little defeated. It was really due to my own fault for not thoroughly researching. I explained to my husband what I found out and he said: "Well, I thought you knew that already?" Nope...I didn't. I was naive. I thought to myself "What am I supposed to do now?", "Do I keep going with graphic design anyway or go along with being a Digitial Artist/Illustrator and Graphic Designer?" Because it would mean having to constantly practice drawing every day and I stopped drawing when I was 12 or 14. That's a pretty big gap of time I could've used to draw and hone my skills. I figured I'd speak to my mother about this just to get her advice and she just said "You're just going to have to do it. Don't let something like this hold you back, Just do it!" Like Shia LaBeouf in his video, lol. Just Do It!
  18. Day 5 (contd): Going around and asking questions on a graphic design forum turned out to be a really harsh lesson. I went onto a website called graphicdesignforum.com and I figured I would ask some questions to any graphic designer willing to answer my questions. That's exactly what I got. The answers that were given to me by this person made me feel like trying to even pursue this isn't worth it. I already have money issues trying to go back to college online to earn my associates in graphic design, but this person just put me into a "Why bother?" mindset. Correction, from being naive and not researching thoroughly until now, I didn't realize that when it comes to being a graphic designer your artistic values don't really matter. It's about what the client wants. But that's not what I want. I like to be able to express myself through art so I'm going to look into Digital Arts or Illustrator. I really do feel like a complete dumbass for not realizing this sooner. If I never quit gaming, I would've never bothered to look into this and come to this conclusion. Yay me
  19. No, But I could if I had the program, lol. I should. It would help me practice doing graphic design Digital Art/Illustration?
  20. Day 5: Woke UpBrushed my teethGot dressedAte breakfastListened to a Tony Robbins PodcastTook a nap (3 hours, lol)Ate some cerealAnd now I'm sitting here putting in a journal entry. That list was talking about what I did with part of my morning. I woke up at 9 AM only to be sleepy at 10 AM and have my husband tell me to go take a nap. It was refreshing. Now I can work on what I was planning on doing today. Research graphic design, ask other designers questions about how they got started, read some books that I have on color theory, etc. and watch tutorials on graphic design. Not really sure if I should do this for a couple of days and then work on the next career goal and then come back to graphic design on a certain day. Maybe I'll make it like a cycle. So that I can try to get even amounts of work and research put in. Monday: Web DesignTuesday: Digital Arts/IllustrationWednesday: PhotographyThursday: BloggingFriday: Free Day!This seems like a good list for me to cycle through the week. I haven't thought about what I should do on Saturdays and Sundays. I'll figure it out soon.
  21. Day 4 (Aug 31st): Yet again I keep backlogging myself with these journal entries, lol. I wasn't really feeling it today to do anything. I kept making up excuses to myself saying that I won't be able to get my career started as a graphic designer/photographer/blogger/Web Dev or Designer. I didn't realize that I wanted to do so many things. Who knows if I'm not going to be able to do all of these things...Maybe I will. Watching Cam and Ginger's stream on YouTube really helped to push through and keep going. Because I did feel like giving up. I'm glad I didn't.