Day 1 (of tens or possibly hundreds of attempted Day 1's) and accompanying post-gym word vomit
I've got "STOP BEING A FUCK" scrawled on my arms in vivid, having woken up at 8pm in the evening after another extended cycle of 16 hour binges with 8 hour interludes for sleep and eating. For the amount of times I've been back to Day 1 I might as well get those words tattooed on to save money on stationary. Though Day 1 is familiar territory, this is the first time I've tried the forum. I find reading other people's stories encouraging, no matter the differences in their circumstances or stage of self-improvement, and intend to engage with other people and be on here regularly. I've already got a written daily affirmations journal (which has a few cobwebs on it), but I'll also be implementing the GQ's program and am open to suggestions from repeat Day 1 offenders as to any helpful bits and pieces which they found success with.
As is the case with any writing, the hardest part to this is starting. A similarity between this and the actual self-improvement I'm wanting to achieve, is that it's easiest to pack it in on the first sentence of the journal, or first hour of not gaming. Fortunately I'm not graded on this, so it will (at least in its early stages, which I'm hoping will be followed by later stages) likely resemble a word vomit of thoughts. Even if it's only me angrily bashing the keyboard and smearing asdfghjkl across the post, the key is that I hit the "submit topic" button once a day, and if I don't, that I forgive myself for failing. I have no idea whether this will become a tidy affirmations journal or a daily rant, but I do know I need to keep doing it. In the game of habit correction every little bit counts.
This perfectionism is something I've struggled with historically as I imagine many other repeat visitors to Day 1 do - the all in mentality of having completely followed the program, or conversely throwing it in the bin as soon as I sleep in for an extra hour and reverting to . To borrow from Game of Thrones, I want need to break this behavioral wheel of initial success, slight and then total failure, and then waiting until the self-hatred and general unpleasantness of living the 16 hour binge life builds to the point warranting change.
My thought process at this stage is usually the same, as it is now:
I am in a place of considerable unpleasantness, what options do I have to change this
Option A: commit Sudoku. Permanent but extreme solution. I'm also not allowed to do this, as my parents and I have agreed that I must talk with them first if I'm to consider this option. (Dead serious, we actually had this conversation.)
If I'm not going to off myself, I might as well make some improvements
From here it's been the usual routine of clean room, wake up earlier, gym and yoga until some hitch hits and the gaming and accompanying lifestyle bleed in little by little until I'm back to square one. I've been back to Day 1 more times than I could count in the last 6 months since finding the program, and it's been at least 5 years since I realized something needed to change. Same train departing the same station, but the difference between this and the first time I realized something needed changing is the knowledge of the various times I've tried with varying results to make such changes. The other difference is my signing on to the forum, which I'm hoping will keep the feeling of momentum going in making such changes and arresting the bad habits before they hit critical mass and the familiar trudge back to Day 1 mentality is needed.
To try avert the pitfalls of the aforementioned perfectionism I'd been using a car analogy, "if the tyre is popped, you change the tyre, rather than throwing out the whole car." I think this applies on a daily basis, but in the big picture doesn't work to the organic long term nature of gaming and what I and many other people are trying to achieve on here. Gaming and the accompanying negative behaviors I'm trying to rid myself of are better described as a cancer (an unfortunate internet/gaming cliche I know). I might improve my sleep cycle, morning routine, exercise habits and a wealth of other things, but there was always be some part of my brain attempting to engineer the regrowth of old less desirable behaviors. You can't just cut out the behavior once and expect it to be permanently fixed. I need to accept this and keep checking in and cutting them out when those behaviors do reappear. Conversely, no matter how many times they do resurface it is essential that I work to cut them out as soon as possible. Little by little they all have some cost which everyone here is all too familiar with. The longer left in the higher this cost becomes.
I've talked with Cam. I've read the all the GQ materials and various blog posts. I know this can work and I've seen other people's stories where it has. I also know I could find myself back here again. The important thing this time around is building on all the other times rather than walking right back down the all to familiar cycle I've run through far too often. It is my hope that through documenting this and also interacting with people's stories I'll go one or a hundred steps farther than what I have before.
lessgo boiz Quick about me:
23, Uni Student, Hobbies incl: Guitar, DJing, Yoga, Daily Gym (need to do cardio though).
Looking for (amongst other things): Experiential advice, book or material recommendations (will be downloading the 3 books fawn_xoxo recommended on another post), a general sense of purpose nb: list not exclusive. Goals for right now
Decent nights sleep (it's 5am now so as decent as possible), no screen in bed, set alarm and wake up by 2pm (v ambitious).
Goals for tomorrow
Clean room, remake longer term goals and short term habits to achieve, post again, gym, don't game.