[Dear Diary...]

This week was exhausting. I had to work a ton and didn't have time for hobbies. I relaxed with my wife for a while today and then we did some errands and went out for dinner. I'm starting to feel refreshed. 

This leads to the issue of me wanting to catch up on lost hobby time, so the moment I feel better, I want to be productive and write or do something. But that's not realistic or fair to myself. I'm going to let myself know that I acknowledge the initiative and interest in being productive, but it's counterintuitive to do it right now. 

I'll just doodle on my note pad, read, and relax more tonight. I think I can write for 30 to 60 minutes tomorrow and move on. 

I also downloaded brick link studio to design lego sets. Someone on this forum used to do it a lot and I forget who it was. 

[Dear Diary...]

@GrainSiloEnthusiastI ordered a few lego mini figures this week to go with my future builds. I'm excited. I got some different batman ones. Did you know they make his helmet in all colors? I got one of every color except purple because that's wicked expensive for some reason lol. Others are 2 dollars and purple is 700 dollars. 

[Ikar's Diary]

17 hours ago, Ikar said:

been feeling the taste to play "Total War: Shogun 2" here and there for a few days now. Granted it's a fairly complex game, I think my brain is craving some complex problems to solve. Therefore, I'm going to direct my attention towards complex problems in the real world to keep it busy 😄

Good job being aware of this. Maybe there's some sort of control you're looking to have on something and maybe there's a better outlet. 

[Restored journal]

On 9/21/2023 at 3:29 AM, Amphibian220 said:

i’ve learned something about a weakness of mine!

I just feel very excited, but Im going to see how the second week goes.

What did you learn?

[Dear Diary...]

On 9/20/2023 at 7:26 PM, Pochatok said:

Haha yes, I've heard it to be surprisingly challenging no matter your physical ability- what'd you enjoy about it?

It was dynamic. It felt like I wasn't just doing isolated exercises and going through the motions. It's very involved and feels like an actual hobby or activity or dance. 

[Dear Diary...]

I did pilates today. Was really nice and a ton of fun. If you get bored with working out this might be a fun thing to try. 

[Dear Diary...]

On 9/17/2023 at 2:31 PM, Ikar said:

Sounds amazing! I hope you'll be able to plan it while not hampering your progress with writing.

Yes, I've come to think of it as a spectrum. This is regarding the use of time. On one extreme, we have addiction - full commitment to one thing. On the other extreme, we have fragmentation - no commitment to anything. In the middle, there is balance - some commitment to several things.

I even started working on a blog post about "being average", how that term is deceptive and how it's useful for manipulation. That's because it's completely normal and healthy to be even below average; I'm below average at juggling, because I don't do it and there are a few people who are good or even great at it. I'm a below average screamo listener, because I couldn't care less about the genre. The trick is just assessing in what areas you want to be better/it makes sense to be better than the average, to focus on these, and to cut the rest as insignificant noise.

Good work, I can only imagine the relief 😄

I'm doing it because my family and I agreed that I'll inherit the flat in the future; it's already officially in my name for about a year. The exchange was I would carry the brunt of the work around the flat, for as long as my grandma is alive and also after. As such, I feel uneasy, as I don't think I'm doing enough at the moment.

I spent some time with my family today and I privately decided that I am going to visit my parents and my grandma every week now until the kitchen is done, in order to be more in touch with the reality of the kitchen and to consult and run the project more actively, especially with my father.

The issue here is that there are two categories, though they intermingle:

1) Directly related to my language school classes - emails for students (schedule changes, organization of courses), preparation for classes or invoices. Preparation is already included in the price of the lesson, so are occasional vital emails about the schedule. Invoices aren't either, as they aren't related to the students in any way.

2) Related to my professional success - networking, seminars on business topics or seminars for my English education. These are my voluntary activities outside of the contract with my employer. Networking allows me to reach new contacts and students with whom I can work on a private basis. The seminar section improves my know-how in business and English.

There's a good reason to argue for a raise with improved English know-how, however I've been told they require an official teacher's certificate (TEFL/TESOL/TESL/CELTA/DELTA etc.) to increase my salary. I'm going to do one of them for sure, maybe even multiple, but finishing my university degree in the next few months takes precedence.

That said, I don't know how much time I spend on 1) and 2) exactly. 1) should be around 5-8 hours a month. 2) is way more variable, maybe between 10-30 hours a month.

I think being able to focus our addictive intensity and interest in hourly or bi hourly segments can really help. I work on 5 to 10 projects per week at work and I thrive on that now. It's created balance and now I'm getting better at playing tthe drums, reading, writing, and drawing for short segments now. 

Thanks and I'm glad your house project is running too. I am in a similar situation with my mom's house so I understand the politics involved lol.

I wonder if you can seek out a mentor to review your out of class commitments and provide feedback. My company let's me choose a mentor and I can go over stuff once a month to get my questions answered. Maybe you could see if that's at your place too.

[Restored journal]

22 hours ago, Ikar said:

 

Upon reading this, I blocked/uninstalled News and YouTube from my phone. I also cleaned up my FB and LinkedIn interests to have only relevant business news there, perhaps just with a few of my interests mixed there. Gotta be persistent.

You got this. It really helps. 

[Ending the Loop]

On 9/16/2023 at 10:46 AM, Pochatok said:

Yesterday was another relapse in pornography- simply wanted to acknowledge that and work through what happened. AND ALSO, want to acknowledge that this is outside of my regular "reflection hours", and I am feeling a bit rushed/uneasy. Yet, I know that this is the right thing to do in this moment.

It was a moment of high stress- I just came from work, and my instant thought was to "relax". And at the moment, the problem is that few other activities offer the same instant high, with reading being the closest. Watching anything on Youtube doesn't feel that fulfilling (though that could change!), meditation is an effort, reading is also just a bit of effort, and podcasts are definitely an effort. Reading is the one to offer an actual distraction- all other activities I tend to zoom out on unless I am putting in the effort... 

I will keep on finding more entertaining books to read, and perhaps will start to play again with Legos? 

Let's get to the rest of the day, and I look forward to a full reflection tomorrow evening.

It's good you recognized this. It's ok that you watched porn. It's tough to find a solution. I realized that I needed comfort in order to relax and now I can relax with my wife on the couch. Just that alone cut my porn usage by like 80%. 

I find that I only watch it now when I'm too stressed to do anything and need an immediate release before anything. But that's rare. I think I've gone from 3 times a day to 2 times a week. 

[Dear Diary...]

On 9/16/2023 at 7:33 AM, Ikar said:

How were the house projects? My project to get my grandma a new kitchen has been going on for several months. It is heavily influenced by the fact that I won't be the primary user, the travel distance to her and the fact that there were/are many unpredictable problems popping up along the way. It's been a drag, even though I can objectively say I've done maybe half the work already.

My girlfriend coined the idea of living together a few times. I think we'd work and live well together too, but based on my experience above, heaven forbid I'm gonna start furnishing a new flat in the next few months.

 

 

I still feel tired after my Georgian holiday, even after a day at home. It's going to take me a while to get bored myself! Those two weeks also allowed me to step back and to gain perspective on the multitude of projects I've been working on. They are many, but once I'm caught up, they'll get segmented into half-hour or hour long blocks with pauses in between. I'm looking forward to being bored and being in the moment just with myself. Maybe it'll come later this day, as I don't have a specific plan for today.

As @BooksandTrees wrote above, it's hardly realistic to expect yourself to do something for many hours a day effectively, especially without segmentation. I'm currently catching up on my projects by jumping between activities, both fun and important, to create a healthy balance and to hop back into the rhythm.

I mostly have classes with my students in the morning and late afternoon/evening, meaning my work load is naturally segmented. I have also found out that to focus on my students for more than 8 hours a day is tough and that I am not as sharp afterwards when they need assistance.

An insight: Granted the nature of my work, I also spent a lot of time on "off-work but work" activities - emails, networking, seminars, invoices, preparation for classes etc. I even started marking them by a different color in my calendar last month, as the average of these is 30 hours a month in my last 5 months. These activities then effectively add up to 20-30% of my workload a month. I can make my students (or their companies) compensate me for that, but you likely can't tell the college to up your salary 20% because you worked 20% more hours this month.

Regardless, I hope you're able to find a good balance between work and your other important life activities 🙂

The house projects are good. We finished all major upgrades and can now focus on smaller things that aren't liabilities to the house. This is a huge relief. I think it's interesting you're doing this with your family member before your own place. I remember doing that with my family and found more pleasure doing my home with my wife. 

I'd include that time you spend outside of work in your review with your manager. See if that is normal or not. You might realize other teachers do more than that or others do way less. Might be a good experience. 

[Dear Diary...]

23 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Just sequence different types of work correctly and your energy will get replenished within that cycle of work, but eventually you need to sit down and take attention somewhere else. 

Telephone calls - 1 hour (enjoy communicating);

Analyzing documents and writing reports - 1.5 hours;

Exercise followed by lunch - 1.5 hours

Analyzing documents and writing reports - 1.5 hours

Setting up a prank on my manager - 20 minutes (make sure not to get myself fired)

Analyzing documents and writing reports - 1 hour

Writing a chronology of today’s work- that will help me to remember where I stopped and get my bearings right on the next day without wasting effort on remembering things.

Great approach. It's just cool seeing how much we can do in short periods of time. I think this is way better and healthier than gaming life. 

[Dear Diary...]

This weekend has been great. I wrote for an hour and played the drums for about an hour. I've done yoga each day and cleaned the house a bit. Doing some meal prep soon and I also found time for multiple naps and relax time with my wife. 

I was getting frustrated again that I want productive in my mind, but I reread the conversation we've been having here the past few weeks and I think it's important. This was the first time I played the drums in months and the most productive week in writing and exercise I've had in weeks. So I'm happy about this. I'm officially over a third of the way done with my draft. 

I decided that when I finish the draft and work on the first revision, I'll make a website and start my marketing plan. My goal is to build momentum up until release day and sell the book with some people interested in it. 

[Bagradain's Journal]

On 9/12/2023 at 7:09 PM, Bagradain said:

But with all my games I can't spend much time with my girlfriend, and this makes her sad. Seeing her like this makes me sad for some reason too.

This is something to think about every time. I've learned that I enjoy just sitting on the couch with my wife and relaxing. I read or write or we watch TV. I used to game all night. You're going to realize what gives you satisfaction and what you've been yearning for in life. 

Try thinking about what gaming brought you. Success? Independence? Progress? Purpose? What is missing from your life?

[Restored journal]

On 9/11/2023 at 8:25 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Day 1 of no social networks.

I cant lock into a task and complete it without getting distracted. I get distracted with social networks still. This is mini procrastination, throughout the day it amounts to a lot of wasted time.

if I force myself to stay on the task, work speed  goes down to a crawl. At times I fall asleep.

If the work is too hard for me to do, I should look for other type of work that will better suit my character, interests, and skill acquisition.

Any time the pull for systemic distractions or snacking arises, it is telling me I haven’t set up my environment right and am not tackling my needs right.

Huge improvement to my life was quitting social media. My mood and temper have greatly improved. 

[Ari's Recovery Journey]

On 9/12/2023 at 11:34 AM, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I did end up buying some Legos, we've only played with them once and not for very long so far, we were busy yesterday, but it was fun! We might go to this shop in town that's all about buying and selling used Legos today...

But also I might have broken my pinky toe. If not broken probably sprained. Either way it really hurts. I slammed my foot against a door frame at full force by accident. This was yesterday morning, and I walked on it all day yesterday, which wasn't super pleasant. This morning though it's still hurting just as bad and I'm really having to rely on my cane.

So I'm currently in urgent care, already triaged but waiting for the doctor and an X-ray. 🙄

I've been building legos too !

[Ending My YouTube Addiction]

12 hours ago, FDRx7 said:

My wife worked at night so I was alone. I always do better when she's home, but I also need to learn how to independently make the right choices. I watched some Netflix, a little more than I wanted to. However, I finished up a show that I've been meaning to and now that it's over, I installed a 30-day block on Netflix where I only get 30 minutes a day. That way if I'm alone and want to watch something, I can but it won't take up my whole night.

I relate to this. If my wife isn't home and I'm not working my actual job, I feel the effects of loneliness and I start to experience cravings for activities that I don't find healthy. It might be eating junk food when I'm not actually hungry or porn or YouTube for a while. I've gotten better with it over the months, but certain days can still be difficult and it just puts a spotlight on one of my biggest emotional triggers, which is loneliness. 

Good job being aware of this. 

[Dear Diary...]

10 hours ago, Pochatok said:

I'm feeling you so much with the "pushes" at work. As a student, I had some idea of what "working a lot" is, but having an actual 9-5 is just such a different type of labor... I've been feeling a lot of frustration lately, struggling to maintain same productivity off-work as I used to outside of class... 

Though, I think we all are doing our best; so many times I struggle to perceive the greatness of exhaustion and stress work puts me through! Embracing rest (even it when it feels "wrong" or just unwanted) and boredom have been very helpful- thank you for influencing my perspectives on those with your stories 💛

The daily grind can really be exhausting but through time we start to find what our comfort level is with amount of hours and focus level during that time. 

I also think a great deal of my frustration is thinking I'll be as productive outside of work as I am at work. It's just not possible. I think a big problem with those of us quitting games is that we think we need to spend an equal amount of time on one hobby and honestly, 15 to 30 minutes is enough. 

I'm glad I could help support you as you have also supported me. Thank you. 

[Dear Diary...]

This week has been nice. It's the first week in months where I haven't had any major pushes at work. It's oddly relaxing this week. I think this will help me wind down and take a nap at lunch and just clear my mind tonight so I can do hobbies and spend time with family. I'm looking forward to it. 

I still want to do a better job at yoga practice but that will come. I've been reading and writing and relaxing and enjoying it. I also finished sorting my legos so I can build with those with my wife and have another hobby away from the computer screens. 

[MuMuMelon's Diary]

21 hours ago, MuMuMelon said:

Day 2 (attempt 3)

Yesterday was fine. I was certainly more bored than usual but that's just a matter of putting a plan together. That's my intention for today. Put a plan of action together, do some yoga, do some breathwork, take care of some stuff around the apartment, and do some laundry.

I'm glad to be back here. 

Welcome back. Hope things are going well. 

[Ending the Loop]

14 hours ago, Pochatok said:

It's been so long, woah. 

In those 8 (!!!) months, I've hosted two ambitious artistic projects that I'm immensely proud of, graduated college, and found my 1st job. All been good with gaming addiction.

⏰ So, why am I back?

Of course, I miss y'all 💝 It means so much to see many community members continue to post here daily and be so mutually supportive of all aspects of each other's lives. 

And, I want to resolve my most persistent addiction once and for all: pornography  At this point, objectification, sexualization, dehumanization, and violent sexual behavior are so out of touch with who I envision myself to be, that every encounter brings a strong identity crisis.

I hope that journaling here on a twice/week basis will help me move through this addiction, and to a brighter vision of myself.

 

🔖Let's review where I am at in this moment:

• Pornography makes an appearance 2-4 times/week. This week, though, it's been on a bi-daily basis, which is quite alarming.
• Given that I've just moved far, far away for my job, I have little social interaction. 
• There has been a lot of stress, much more than usual. I'm developing strong physical symptoms that are frustrating and alarming.
• Some stress comes from adjusting to a new way of being, some comes from a loosened-up vision of future, and some- from having high expectations 
• I've gone from a place of extreme luxury and comfort (residential college that had a community I belonged at and was loved by) to a place where I am unknown, misunderstood, and other (a very different type of socio/cultural/racial/economical environment, very few strong connections in the area, and no one I've met (so far) in the immediate living environment shares my passions)
• I believe strongly that I am where I need to be- despite all the difficulties, this is a place where I can feel myself grow in character, skill, ambition, and self-love/compassion every day. It's challenging, but highly rewarding, and every day I wake up feeling like a slightly different person.

Given that last point, I am more than ever passionate to quit weaknesses that exemplify my wounds and my long-gone past. I want to be moving, more consistently, towards the person I am becoming 💛

Look forward to being a part of this community, again.

Po 💖

I think it's interesting that the summary you wrote below porn addiction is literally the reason you're using it more. Loneliness and stress relief. Maybe consider joining an activity club out there, volunteering, sports, gym, yoga, to meet others and do things. Maybe there's a list of places to see and you can visit them and see if they provide any new insight on your life. Maybe local museums and art shows. Those are great mixers. 

[Dear Diary...]

14 hours ago, Pochatok said:

There is some wonderful books on boredom (with the word in the title- have you read any?) that argue that is precisely this feeling/experience that has led humanity to cascade into a civilization. Boredom is the ideal soil for peak creativity; that's the space where brightest ideas snap into awareness.

I haven't read any. I just had that mentality to begin with I think. I'll be bored for a bit and start brainstorming and then have a story idea or plan to do something with the family or clean the house etc. It's a nice clarity time for me lol.

[Matt's Journal]

11 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

This forum is one, but I'm still looking for a good (nearby) space to be myself with people I'll feel safe a majority of the time with in-person. Otherwise my mind threatens to eat itself alive with negative thinking. 😕 I've not gotten any responses for local job applications that I know of to help remedy that. I'm just feeling impatient with life, but I will not hurt anybody before I have another chance to be my best and am in a position to handle tough situations

It's ok. Sometimes this stuff takes time. Stay patient and just be proud of the fact that you're looking for jobs and spaces for yourself. I experimented with boxing, floor hockey, badminton, volleyball, rock climbing and makerspaces until I found the right place for me. Took like 5 years lol. But I was stubborn. It's tough to nail down something even if you're not overcoming video game addiction etc. 

[Dear Diary...]

I also haven't done anything today lol. I've cooked breakfast lunch and dinner for my wife and me, read a chapter of a book,  did laundry, taken 2 naps, and that's about it lol.

I would normally get angry at myself for this but I'm not and I'll say why. Even at my most focused self, I can only write for 1 hour tops. Even if I wanted to do the drums,  I only play for 30 minutes tops. Even if I were to read, which I did, it lasts about 30 minutes to 1 hour. That's only 3 hours. I could do all of those activities before bed tonight. 

I just think it's important to say that because I used to play runescape and other games for 6 to 18 hours a day. After quitting, I thought I needed to do new hobbies that long. The thing is, you can't do every hobby for 6 to 18 hours a day unless you're camping, hunting, or going on a safari. It's just not going to happen. That's why I tell everyone, and a lot of articles tell everyone, to learn to accept boredom. 

Life isn't meant to be an 18 hour series of time blocks for your specific hobby. That's why we get brain fog after playing games. It's not fog, you're mentally exhausted. Which gets me back to my day of nothing. I think I I'm exhausted and just needed to rest. So I did. 

[Ikar's Diary]

On 9/2/2023 at 5:37 AM, Ikar said:

21st August - 2nd September:

My girlfriend got me a massage voucher and I went there last Tuesday. It wasn't anything special, however it's in the back of my mind to do something to help me rehabilitate my back. I spend a lot of time sitting and I sat even more when I gamed.

I got two new pairs of shoes: one for general purpose walking/hiking and one for more social meetings. My old shoes were quite run down and it was high time I got new ones.

---

I'm somewhat upset today because:

1) My girlfriend and I are leaving for Georgia today evening. This includes packing, preparing and the whole shebang.

2) I picked up my PC headphones in the morning and found out the sound is distorted. I don't know what happened overnight, but the bottom line is I need to fix this problem either today or after I return from Georgia.

3) My tutor still hasn't responded to the draft of my thesis I sent him two weeks ago. It's possible he's just been on holiday or that there is some glitch in the mailing system, since they're reworking the whole uni IT environment. I'm gonna send him the current version and if he doesn't respond, I'm just going to ask some other professor who has time or interest to help me out, because I can't wait forever.

Have you sent any follow up to the tutor or did he reply when you sent it to him?

[Dear Diary...]

I've been reading and writing more frequently now that my big house projects are complete. I'm almost done with another chapter of my book. 

I thought about animating a bit but I really don't enjoy it. I think it's one of those sunk cost things. I hate drawing backgrounds and details. I basically just want to draw people with no hands or feet and have them do stupid things. But I lose interest fast. I find writing pulls me in more. 

I built some legos this weekend. I really missed it. I think building was my favorite form of art as a kid because it was tangible and fun. I also wanted to disconnect from screens more.