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BooksandTrees
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I'm falling into the same pattern I fell into 2 years ago. I'm really sad each night. I get home late from work, feel sick, roommates are so anti social and personable that I'm just alone. My world has really closed off where I'm living. I'm moving out soon, 2 days to be exact. I got told I probably won't be kept in touch with because my old roommates play games and only really keep in touch with gamers.
How sad is that?
I feel alone at work a lot of the time and alone at home. Most of my friends make little effort to hang out. The only bright side is a girl I've been talking to outside of work that I met. I really want some happiness. The only happiness I get I binge it. I really just want to go home, get a hug, and heal.
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12 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Alright. So I crashed. I'm going to write all of this out here so it's out of my system. This is going to be long.
TL;DR: Christmas Eve will be awkward, the fight with my Mom continues and that's making me feel lonely. I keep judging myself and being hard on myself and keep shoveling more things op top of my shoulders. There's cool career stuff bound to happen but I crashed because I was basically going at it at full force 7 days out of 7. I can't really relax anymore. There's been porn, sadly, drinking, the itch to game again and finally feel some progress, challenge, happiness and achievement. And somebody broke into my car and it made me think and feel like a racist primate for a day or two. (Honestly, I still want somebody to pick a fight with me just so I can kick somebody's ass. Not proud of this. This is not okay. I hope it doesn't happen; but the feeling is very much there) There's also a shitload of girls and equal amounts of intimicy issues, one of which stands out and I text daily, I call her Elf girl.
The jobcoach let me go. Like a young bird I tried spreading my own wings. She felt she had taught me enough and that I was taking proper initiative. She had faith in me, I had faith in me and everything would be swell. I had stepped up to HR and my GM, told them what I wanted and they offered me a part-time job as community manager, telemarketeer and logistics assistant. A different job for each day I'd be there. Lovely. I'd get to spend the other bits of my week educating myself and expanding my freelance business. I now realize I have great charisma and skills but that my weak point is my resumé. I need proper education, certificates and workshops to put on my CV. I'm skilled and a talk a great game. Now I need to try and persuade people using my CV. My factual skills need to reflect my actual skills. It's going to take me a while and I have no idea where to start. On top of that, money will be tight for a while, I'll also need to make a budget somehow without sacrificing any quality of life. I'll need proper planning to make sure I make enough money and progress at the same time, all the while saving up some money for when the shit hits the fan. But I know myself, I'll lose myself in madness like that. So I'll also need to keep an eye on my physical wellbeing and mental health. Proper food, sleep and exercise and seeing my friends from time to time. Not to mention I can't live in a pig sty.
Starting to get the idea that that's a bit of a tall order? Yeah, me too. But I figured I could handle it. After all, I'm the motherfucking PhoenixKing. I get beaten down and get back up again, more glorious than the last time. Well, it turns out that working 7 days out of 7 will send your ass through a dark tunnel towards a white, bright light; and then sombody kicks your ponsy soul all the way back down that tunnel 'till you choke on your own fucked up ribs. So I woke up from that pipe dream a few days ago. Tired, weary, confused. I knew I was biting off more than I could chew, I could feel it. I had lost the ability to relax.
It wasn't all bad, I made sure I ate well, kept an eye on my social life. I started seeing a few girls. Had some great interviews too. There's lots of positive stuff. But I kept on laying on the pressure. I HAD to make it. I HAD to plan this or that. I CAN'T forget this or that. All of a sudden, every detail seemed like a matter of life or death. The dishes, the trash, social media... When every tiny thing feels like it's huge, every huge thing feels like it's Godzilla. It doesn't matter who you are, nobody can fight an army of Godzillas.
There's a couple of girls floating around too. There's Christmas Eve coming up. There's money issues. The large to do list. Porn. Drinking. Not being able to relax. Not reading enough for my taste. Not doing what I planned out to do. Somebody broke into my car.
I've been feeling so vulnerable. Like any little thing would set me off. I remember thinking that anybody of color with a hoodie, who looked at me funny in my street where I live, would get the beating of a lifetime. I'm not proud of that. It's like this primal rage took me over. I was so furious about the car being broken into, in front of my own fucking apartment! Where's this world coming to? My government just collapsed! A bunch of overpaid monkeys in suits, circlejerking and cashing in. And here I am, struggling and getting beaten down. How's that fair? How am I expected to still be able to smile, forgive and love? Ever since I started Krav Maga, I've been secretly wanting to actually fight. To know what it's like. I know it's a bad idea, but I also can't ignore that feeling. It's so strong and primal. I strongly assume it was an immigrant, a gypsy or some punk kid who tore the insides of my glove box apart. The rational side of me knows that it could have been anybody at any time, no matter the background, skincolor or whatever. But I live in a city area full of actual psycho's. The amount of people with actual mental health problems nearby is insane. That's something the realtor won't tell you. I don't really want to move, I just started to settle in. On top of that there's my contract. I don't want to lose money over breaking it and fleeing. This is the city. It's one of it's symptoms, I guess. But it's just one of the things I've been struggling with. I've never felt like that. The idea that I would even think of trying beat somebody up, because I'm frustrated and suspicious, because I want to take back some form of agency over my life.
That's what it's all about, I think. I want control over my life. Or at least to feel like I'm in control; like I'm steering the ship somewhere. I miss feeling progress. Games used to give you this sense of accomplishment. It's at crossroads like these that it's hard to stay sober. I'm lucky my computer is busted up enough to not let me play anything proper. I could really use some wins right now. I'd feel great. But I'd feel horrible afterwards, I fear.
I wonder if I'll figure out soon what helps me relax. It sure isn't watching Netflix, that's clear to me now. Reading is just meh. Meditation requires actual effort. D&D is a lot of fun. Krav Maga is good too. I fear that one of the reasons I crashed so hard was that I wasn't going to practice for a few weeks. I relapsed into old patterns, using porn and alcohol a lot to flee from the issues. I should probably not have this much alcohol in my house. I drink more than I want to admit. Same goes for porn. It's safe to say I'm addicted.
It's still awkward between my mom and me. I keep standing my ground firmly. But honestly, I just want her to hold me and guide me through this. But I'm not sure she even could if she wanted to. I feel rather alone in this battle. I've always tried to survive and figure things out without my parents, I had to. And I've done well for myself. But it's a basic biological thing, to want to feel a mother's love. I think I somehow compensated with relationships in the past. This is the first time, now that I'm single and am living alone, that I realize how lonely that is. Lots of people have a warm backup, a safe haven to help them weather the storm. We have a family therapy session coming up next month. I'm doing it once, as a favor to my sister. But I have no faith in it. I also feel no obligation to pour my hard-earned cash and precious time into that. I honestly and truly just want to find peace with myself, accept myself for who I am and get better at being kinder and loving towards myself. I'll have to face her at Christmas Eve. And her disgusting boyfriend. I had thought about dodging that draft. She tried adding me on Facebook, putting me in a group together with her, his kids and also my sister. I declined, blocked and deleted everything. She wanted me to come to a New Year's Party. In itself, cute, amicabel even, like an olive branch. But when you reckon that one of the problems is that she ignores issues and acts like nothing's going on and I called her out on that several times, and invite like that is infuriating. How dare she not properly talk things through with me? How dare she smile, play with my hair when I last saw her at grandma's after she threw down the phone, screaming profanities. I will not allow this fight between us to be ignored and stuffed away. I will not pretend we're okay, just because there's other family members nearby. I am not a liar, I wear no mask, I make no apologies. You want to fight with me, Mom? Sure. Bring it on. I'll eat your sorry, broken, immature, tactless, desperate ass for breakfast. But I'll be damned sure to stand my ground in any and every issue. That includes subtle manipulative invitations that imply you shit-talking me to other family members if I dare to not show up.
Christmas Eve at grandma's will be lovely. But I respect and love grandma, my aunt and my cousin. So I'll bite the bullet, drink a shitload of wine, hang out with my cousin mainly and get through it like a man.
Sorry about the Mom rant. I guess it's a bigger issue than I thought.
And finally, the girls. There's a couple. I haven't seen Krav Maga girl for a while but she's still cute and still sending out vibes. Either that or I'm misreading it. Both are plausible. Not that I'd feel confident dating her, I don't want to ruin my practice group vibes with my intimicy issues. I'd probably fool around with her for a while and get tired of her because she smokes. There's Christmas Tree girl. A friend from film school, recently broken up with her boyfriend and moved to my city. We've hung out, cooked and admitted we fancied each other. I fancy a little roll in the hay. She's terrified of kissing me because it would push her over the edge and fall in love with me. She knows I'm not fit for a relationship. Despite that we're close. She's kind, loving, sweet and reliable. She's make an amazing girlfriend. But I can't walk that path yet. There's other things to be done first. And I'm not in love with her, it wouldn't be fair to her. Despite that she's spent the night in my arms (no sex) when I needed somebody's shoulder to cry on. She's helped me set up my Christmas Tree and calls me when I have a bad day. That woman is golden. So it's imperative I don't let my flirty habits get the best of me and take advantage of her. I don't want to break her heart. Despite that, I can't keep my hands to myself. She loves it, but we always stop just before we'd kiss. I apologize each time and feel bad afterwards. But it's hard to think clearly in the moment. She's confident in herself enough to stop me when needed, I don't want to put out any rapey vibes. It's all just playfull and a little bit passionate, we hug a lot and tell each other everything and that we love each other and all. ... I guess it's a bit complicated to put it all into just a couple of sentences. There's also Improv girl. She's been busy with work but we're still going to Japan next year and we'll be celebrating New Year's Eve together. She's been out of sight for a while, working a lot, she says. I think she's just keeping her distance because that's what she does. She's always been bad at dealing with her own emotions. I don't judge her for it. Everybody struggles. She's still my friend. But I feel we'll probably be growing out of the whole fuckbuddies-thing. And that's okay.
And then there's Elf girl. I call her that in my head because she's so bubbly and adventurous. I met her through a friend who introduced us. We started talking a few weeks ago and haven't stopped since. If this keeps up, I may even develop a full blown crush on her. We've kissed before and have been on a date. I'm seeing her this weekend too. She's cute and passionate, smart and wise, she almost seems to good to be true. She has the same feelings about me. But just like I have, there's baggage. I don't want to get into a relationship when I'm just in the middle of getting to know myself. One of my big issues is to find peace and acceptance and get past being single. I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship, it'll stump my progress and I'll fall back into old patterns, making the relationship the core of my life rather than an addition to it. On top of that, I'm still struggling with the career. I'd rather focus on finally doing it properly first. Then we'll see. I've also noticed that there's a gazillion girls out there. Who's to say that she's the one? She's got issues as well. A manipulative ex-boyfriend who keeps popping into her life. She's too kind a person to properly stand up to him and she's been on his hook for a while. She wants to gather her marbles and flip him the bird once and for all but it's hard to do that if you love someone and want to be kind. All of that doesn't stop up from texting each other incessantly.
That's about the meat of it...
I'll try to keep a proper journal. Make an entry every night. I wanted to clean up my place a bit today, listen to some music or a podcast, put a limiter on my Netflix en social media time and go to Krav Maga practice. I'm still pretty battered. So we'll see where we'll end up tonight.
This is too much information to process because of everything going on. It seems to me you're all over the place right now. There's job opportunities, 4-6 different girls, hobbies, conflict with help from your mom, etc. I feel like you're getting so overwhelmed with everything in life that you're turning to something new and diving right into it. Whether it's a girl, a hobby idea, or a job you seem to be diving right in like somehow it is going to rescue you from this situation you're trying to get control of. All of this frustration is making you extremely angry and volatile emotionally (I'm not saying this in a derogatory way) and it's consistently putting you into fluctuations between fight or flight mentality. You either fight someone and get angry, or you flight and fly to a new woman interest, new job interest, or something else like porn, drinking, or gaming.
Fight or Flight is your constant mindset because you're wicked stressed out. You need to take a step back here. You said you wanted to do a hobby that required little effort and it's frustrating to you because your other activities require effort and you're tired. You need to simplify this right now. If you edit that sentence, you can just say "you're tired". You need to rest and relax for some time here. Unfortunately, if you're going through a major event in life (job search, relationship search, family issues, healing from addiction) then you can't take on too much. Your body is in shock from change and needs time to adjust.
I'd suggest giving up this relationship search. You're all over the place here and most of these girls seem like they're excited to flirt with you and fantasize, but are wasting your time and not giving you romance. If a girl really likes you after strong communication, they will date you. If they're dragging it out and making weird excuses like they want to date you, but can't, then they're playing games with you and just want the attention. You need the attention because you're vulnerable right now. These girls don't need your attention. You're giving them attention in hopes of them giving you attention. This is why you crave your mom's attention. She can provide unconditional love to you and help you when you're down. I'm not sure if you and your parents had a falling out and it's bad, or you're just trying to prove you're strong and can make it on your own, but I think it's obvious that you're craving and in need of unconditional love and support from a small group of close friends or family only. Dating will not help you right now.
You need some stability in your life and your body is crying out for you to stop and give it some reprieve. I'm sorry for sounding blunt with you tonight in my response, but based off of the emotions you're feeling right now, I needed to speak in this tone with you. You need direction and guidance. Mine might not be great, but I think you need some guidance instead of trying to pioneer every step of the way for yourself. Humans can talk for a reason. You have a good voice. Get the help you need, be patient, and allow yourself to heal while you're going through the difficulties of a major career change and lifestyle change. Humans can only learn so much at once. That's why I get frustrated. My job is so difficult I can't stop learning. This makes finding hobbies terrible because I'm always learning and it pisses me off and I want to escape it. It takes time and we need to find ways to balance healing, learning, restoration, and pleasure.
I'll support you along the way, but you need to put the brakes on and be real with yourself.
Matt
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7 hours ago, Ironfly said:
I'm not sure what i want to do now.
I've struggled with this same issue of not watching porn for a week and then going haywire for a few days watching enough to last 2 weeks. Part of the stress with quitting porn is that it's a mental, emotional, and physical outlet. It releases endorphins and dopamine. The issue is that it rewires your brain and is fake. The other issue is that it's not long lasting. The last issue is that you have ingrained into your head that watching porn is bad, so now there's internal conflict over the whole ordeal as well. All three of these combined lead to depression due to lack of fulfillment, improper ways of dealing with stress, and chemical reward imbalance.
What I've been doing recently is understanding why I'm turning to porn. I turn to it when I'm stressed and/or emotionally needy. Or just plain old turned on. I'm learning now that if there's an internal conflict I'm stressed out with and want to resort to porn to deal with it, I try to exercise instead. I don't even need to go to the gym. I go for a walk, do pushups, yoga, etc just to engage in an alternate activity that is rewarding to me. Focusing on my form helps me deal with the anxiety I'm struggling with.
My other understanding is that if I need to emotionally express myself, I call a friend, organize a hangout, or talk to coworkers and family until I can fully express my feelings. Therapy and this online community also helps.
Maybe try something like that and just keeping your mind free, but the most important thing right now is that you forgive yourself and say it's ok that it happened and you're going to focus on the future rather than thinking you're in a bad place, hating life, and miserable. If you dangle the threat of porn and its torment on your life then you're giving it too much emotion. This means you'll just give more thoughts to porn. It's like walking on a tight rope and staring at the ground instead of where you're gonna walk. Try not to make as big of a deal about watching porn and make a bigger deal about achieving a goal or working on something else in life.
You got this!
Matt
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8 hours ago, Silverlining said:
So how is it going with your hobbies?
BTW, exercise is not only a way to lose weight. It's also very important for both your physical and mental health. Try to exercise a little bit when you feel down, mostly likely you will feel better immediately. It also boosts your immune system.
Hobbies: I've been finishing up the self improvement and stress reduction class I bought. I have 2 hours left to watch. It has been a nice class and I'd like to review my notes when I'm done. I'm packing and preparing to move home so I've been doing that with most of my free time. I am watching my sports team and preparing my podcast for when I move into my new home and can work on it. I have guidance for what I need to do for my cartoon and can't wait to work on it.
Exercise: I'm going back to the gym on Friday with an appointment with my trainer. If I hate it then I'm just gonna fire her because I haven't been enjoying it with her for the past half year or so.
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Today was a long day. I worked for 14 hours to try and finish this project. Jesus christ. I don't really know what else to say. I'm just frustrated and wiped out.
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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Hey Matt,
Thanks, man. I needed somebody telling me 'Welcome back'.
I can totally relate. I quit porn a while back and I still have a complicated relationship with it. I would love to quit it fully, but I can't seem to let go. I can go without it for a while but not without any effects to my psyche or body. It's an true obstacle and one to be take seriously.
I'll try to do a daily proper thing starting tonight. I want you to know I've been keeping an eye on you from a distance. I've been working about 7 days a week, overclocking my brain like crazy so I'm sorry if I haven't responded.
G
I appreciate it man. I think you and my friend fawn are the people who have really made an impact on me.
I think our issues are more of a global issue with our overall daily lives than little things and we turn to escapism to hide from it because we feel trapped. Mine is definitely career related and I think yours has been as well based off or summer conversations.
We're going to figure this out.
Matt
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I'm trying not to get worse, but I am. I start the week off getting in early and doing well and then getting bombarded. I'm already getting to work 2 hours later than I was.
Also, if you have a fucking cold, don't go to work. I've never been sneezed on so many times in my life. 4 colds in 1.5 months.
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I find myself to be very sad tonight. I feel like I'm not happy. I feel like I haven't been happy in months. I'm strong willed and confident that I'm not leading the life I believe to be true in my heart.
I want love. I want happiness. I want to have purpose.
I feel like a drone. I feel empty.
But I feel hope.
I feel strength from inside churning like magma about to erupt from a volcano. I feel the tremors. That seismic activity reigns supreme until my eruption.
I promise myself I will find the right path because I want happiness, God dammit. I'm tired of feeling the life being sapped out of me. That's why I played games for years. No more escaping through hiding. I need to reach my dreams and love.
I am strong and I am tired of crying.
Matt
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19 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:
I need to learn how to be kinder to myself and not as demanding. I feel I need to start this journal again. A part of me feels like I don't even deserve to because I'm not really kicking the gaming habit but it's more the search for a healthy life.
I've just been bawling my eyes out, crawled into a ball of my cold couch, sad music basically blasting. I saw my doctor today, I convinced him to let me stay at home for the rest of the week.
It all started this morning when I was making my breakfast shake. Some astronaut powder, some frozen spinach, frozen fruit, some 'fresh' juice. I had forgotten to clean the whole blending array and my bottle the day before. So it was all crusty. I started begrudgingly cleaning it, swatting away the flies circling the remains of my dishes. It was going to cost me five whole minutes. I'd be late probably. I had to hurry.
And then something just snapped. I couldn't walk out the front door. I just couldn't go to that infernal office any more. It was draining me, burning me out. I used my acting skills to lie my way through a conversation with HR; implying I was sick. Because of an incident they don't really trust me (I'm not sure they should, I try to never lie but I'm a bit of a rogue and really good at deception when I want to and I also tend to steal office supplies because fuck that place) so I had to get a doctor asap to verify that I'm sick. Obviously I wasn't sick. But there was something wrong with me. So I played the overworked/overstressed card. He empathized, advised a therapist, and gave me a few days off. But the thing is, when I use my acting, reality blurs a bit. I know that. I know that I can feel genuinely arrogant or mad or sad or whatever a part I play requires of me. The same applies to lying. My mind and body tend to refabricate what I perceive as real. It's part of what makes me a good actor. So it's only natural I started believing my own lie a little bit. But I couldn't shake it.
And then I realized, I haven't been well for a while. I've been watching porn again. First a little. Then I fought it. And then a LOT. I use it as some kind of crutch. To release chemicals in my brain. I can't seem to stop. I can't seem to relax. Meditation requires concentration and effort. I had to face the facts, something actually did break. A dam of some kind. Thank god it did. It's healthy to fall. It helps me learn where the ground under my feet is.
But I'd still like somebody to tel me that I am an okay person and that it's natural to fail, judge yourself and that learning to be kind to yourself isn't easy. And that it's okay to need to journal some more on this forum and that I'm welcome to do so.
I have to go to Krav Maga practice and attend a birthday party after that. I'll write some more tomorrow and try and start a daily structured journal again. I just need to get this stuff off my chest. I have to tell someone.
Hey man,
Welcome back and don't be ashamed of what's going on. I've written in here a few times that porn is my biggest crutch and harder to quit than games. For some reason I associate it with a mental and physical craving and really turn to it when I'm stressed, anxious, tired, excited, lazy, etc. It drains my emotions and makes me feel dead inside. I'm having a real difficulty quitting it. It's like that last wall of bad habits I participate in.
I think it's good to journal, even if you quit games. It gives you a bit of a reality check when you're being too hard on yourself or not being realistic. It can be so depressing going to work somewhere you know you don't belong, but battling the confusion of not knowing where you belong anyhow. We're so used to instant results from gaming and porn that it's hard to focus on these long term paths. Our bad habits are also escapism.
A few of us on this forum really loathe the every day job we do because we know we're doing belong in it. That's part of our path and maybe we'll figure it out.
Matt
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1 hour ago, Silverlining said:
Thank you! Tbh this job hasn't been a pleasure to me. For the past few years it has been the one of the main causes of my depression. Yet here is this opportunity just when I'm planning to quit. I'm not saying it's worth the suffering. I still should have quit this job years ago, but I'm glad that I have a chance to turn things around.
I completely understand and am in the same boat with that depression. If this opportunity doesn't turn into the right path for you then it's more motivation to chase after something that inspires you to live life more. I'll be doing the same.
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I had a really good conversation with @fawn_xoxo yesterday and it helped me calm down and refocus a bit. She's been a really important person along my journey towards gaming addiction recovery because she listens very well and also challenges me to keep moving forward. I appreciate her attention to detail and commitment to me as a friend even though we have never met. She is someone I'm very thankful to have met in this community.
I decided to wake up earlier today and just make sure I could get to work focused and ready to go. I was the first one in the office, got all of my stuff done, and was ready to go, but had to stay 3 hours late to work on other stuff. Previously, this would have infuriated me and I would go to bed tonight late, wake up the next day late in anger, and repeat the pattern.
no
I will wake up early tomorrow and get to work first and do my thing. I was still furious today about having to work late, but I'm going to keep the right attitude and stick with the plan. I think my conversation with Fawn helped me get a bit of a reality check with a few things and my expectations about myself. Tonight, I still made dinner after complaining and now I can watch my hockey game before bed. I'll also read. I think I had this misconception about reading where I should just read before bed and not at any time for enjoyment. There are times where I want to relax and read at home, but felt like it's not real and I shouldn't do it.
I get into these mental frames of mind where I feel like I shouldn't do anything and I become authoritarian in my style of mentality towards my activities. That's not real either. I want to get in this mind set of "ok, I'm not at work anymore. I can now relax. This is my time to enjoy life now. I don't have to urgently rush into a productive activity. I can take a deep breath and say this is my time."
This is important because I get so anxious about getting out of work and spending time the right way, that I get severely stressed and criticize my activities instead of trying something new, smiling, and enjoying life. I'm now just letting the night come and relaxing a bit. Just gotta stick to it. Fawn and I talked about just spending a little time on a hobby and letting it gain some traction instead of going at it 100% like a job. I'm going to try it a bit tonight and try to get even a few minutes of creativity completed. This is good for my past self, who wished I could be creative, my present self, who is unfulfilled, and my future self, who wants to be a creative and balanced person in my free time.
Matt
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I'm with you!
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Great job sticking with the program so far. If you read your posts you have so many good and bad days. Just know that the next day could be a great one. It's good that you found the strength to give your best at the end of a long day. Forgive yourself for not feeling the best and love yourself and prepare for the future.
Matt
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What are some activities you'll do instead?
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Great job! I'm glad you are in an environment where you can let these new skills blossom.
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11 hours ago, Silverlining said:
In our brain, this kind of fear is equivalent to physical pain. So forgive yourself first, because you have been literally going through physical pain. It's the same thing when you don't want to use a cut finger to touch hot water. It's totally nature. Everyone procrastinates. It's just some flaw of our brain.
Fortunately, we also have a way to get around it. When you focus on the "product", i.e. an article written, a podcast recorded, a painting finished, your brain will feel the pain. However, if you focus on the "process", your brain will be fine. You don't have to get anything done. Just do something for 10 min. That's can't be too hard. And then extend it to 20 min, 30 min when you feel comfortable to. You don't need to think about the result. Just keep working on some hobby consistently and be amazed by what time can do.
Do not label yourself. You do not hate yourself. If you do then you would never be in this forum in the first place.
Good advice and I agree. I was reading an interesting piece about forgiveness for your past and love for your future. It's just a lot of these expectations I put on myself that are unrealistic. It is going to be important to be fair to myself and be a real friend to myself.
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Hey Iron,
Sorry to hear about your relapse with porn and the struggles you've been experiencing. I'm new to your thread so I don't know your full journey yet. I just wanted to say that I think porn has been more difficult to quit than video games. I am 8 weeks free of gaming and I can't go a few days without porn. It's terrible. I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect with these daily routines instead of gaming. It's like walking on a balance rope in the air and the ground is playing video games and watching porn. One false step and we just fall into it again and can't get out. I'm starting to think of different mindsets that work. Like turning around and just driving to another town. That way you can't fall back into town again and do your old habits unless you purposely go there. If we walk on this tightrope of perfection and worry about falling all the time then we're going to fall. All of those acrobats succeed because they don't fear falling.
I'm sorry if my analogy is stupid, but try to forgive yourself and not get angry. I'm being a hypocrite because I just wrote a piece about how I exploded in anger today. But don't let that be an example. If we can forgive our past selves and love our future selves then the present day choices can be easier on us.
Good luck,
Matt
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ANGER
I had a very explosive day today. I had to wait at a car dealership for almost 3 hours just to get my oil changed and tires rotated. I completely freaked the fuck out and scared everyone there. I then went home and just exploded in a very horrible display of anger that I am not proud of doing.
I am not proud of this because my father used to have a horrific temper growing up. He'd make you feel so afraid and he was so uncontrolled that I always wanted an evacuation plan just in case something bad happened. I've been afraid of my temper because I know my temper is unfortunately worse than even his was. He could turn happy after an explosive moment and it bewildered me. I could not and cannot do that. It's very hard for me to let go of anger. I think this is bad because I never let things go and I remember everything. This compounds onto itself and when the right thing happens, oh man, you should not be near me. I became blindly irate and guided in a fit of rage like a tidal wave in the midst of a hurricane. It's not good to be in front of that wave when it crashes.
After the tirade was over I was very embarrassed. I felt like Gohan or Goku did in Dragonball Z and Dragonball when they felt terrible for the destruction they caused. I didn't destroy anything, but I felt like I destroyed a bit of myself in my rage.
It's sad, really. I'm frustrated and have been frustrated for years. I used anger as the guiding force to healing my life after bad events in my childhood, video game addiction, and depression. I used that anger to sculpt discipline through fear of failure. I became an incredible person at the cost of my mental and physical health due to using anger as my fuel. I'm trying so hard to not be the negative one. I'm trying to hard to be positive. I guess I'm stuck in a loop.
The good news is that I'm 8 weeks free of video games. The bad news is I keep going back to porn and I keep having a fear of working on my hobbies that I enjoy working on. I enjoyed putting in the effort to write, draw, podcast, and exercise. It's just that when I stop doing them for a bit, I never want to return to them. I get so depressed at work that I just don't enjoy my days. I get home and I'm so tired from fighting depression that I just want to sleep and do nothing. My life is boring. I wake up, go to work, come home, get tired, do nothing, watch tv, maybe make dinner, maybe not, and then read some news articles, go to bed, play a sudoku puzzle, watch porn, watch a youtube clip, and sleep.
That's so fucking boring! I don't understand why I'm not just doing these things. It's that effort that I need to put in to make this happen. I just really miss the availability of video games. I'm craving them so much. I hate the fact that I need to start over again to enjoy life. I'm not looking forward to the challenge and journey of learning something new. After being an expert and professional gamer for most of my life I just hate having to restart. I miss the prestige and I miss the easiness of it. I don't want to work hard and I don't know why. I keep watching these videos and reading snipits of books and articles about doing it for yourself and just doing it. How the fuck do I just do it? "dude, man, it's in the question itself. Just do it. Haha, like Nike, right??" Fuck off. I just don't understand why I don't want to do it.
Am I not doing this because I hate myself? Am I not doing it because I hate the fact that I'm going to die and it most certainly means nothing anyways? I'm not motivated at all. I don't know if I love myself. I'm just afraid to be in touch with my real emotions and I can't get into them. People say I need to open my heart and be vulnerable to feel happiness and bond with others. Maybe even find a relationship with a woman. But I can't even connect with myself let alone doing that with a friend or woman. I'm not ready for love from a woman right now because I don't understand how to feel love or feel happiness, really. I don't want to wait for someone to make me happy either. I'm not sitting there and hoping for a miracle.
I think my mind is just frozen with my heart. They're both not moving at all and it's overheating and causing extreme distress and anger. I want to understand on a fundamental level why I'm not allowing myself to fully commit and dive into something. Even when I dive into something, it doesn't last more than a day or two. I get tired of it and not balanced. It's all or nothing. It's like I need a constant life coach or something to navigate my days.
I just fear that if I don't make this connection and understand why I can't commit to life then I won't go anywhere and eventually play video games again or something and fail more. Anyone have any ideas?
Matt
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2 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
You'll probably get bored of me but I have to share one (more) thing with you from one of the books I've talked to you about.
(Yeah, I opened the book to type this on here, word for word! xD)
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The practice of self responsibility:
I am responsible for my personal happiness. One of the characteristics of immaturity is the belief that it is someone else's job to make me happy- much as it was once my parents' job to keep me alive. If only someone would love me, then I would love myself. If only someone would take care of me, then I would be contented. If only someone would spare me the necessity of making decisions then I would be carefree. If only someone would make me happy. Taking responsibility for my happiness is empowering. It places my life back in my own hands. Ahead of taking this responsibility I may inside it will be a burden. What I discover is that it sets me free.
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In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist for the satisfaction of our needs.
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No one is coming to save me, no one is coming to make life right for me, no one is coming to solve my problems. If I don't do something, nothing is going to get better.
____________________________
Get the book! xD
Is this the self esteem book?
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Hi,
I'd suggest creating a diary in the forums on the daily threads. Start by creating a list of pros and cons to gaming in your opinion. If you think you shouldn't be gaming, there's something underlying about the whole thing. Start thinking about what those reasons are and get yourself thinking.
Good luck,
Matt
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52 minutes ago, Silverlining said:
People can be very different in terms of losing weight. With a 1300 net daily calorie (I eat about 1700 and exercise to take down 400), I've only lost 4 lbs for the past 30 days.?
I was reading something that said it takes 51 days to breakdown the polysaturated fat bonds in your body. It made sense since I made most of my progress after 3-6 months and onward.
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Hello other Matt!
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On 12/13/2018 at 7:37 PM, Silverlining said:
Day #54: 12/13/2018 Thursday
A few things.
1) I stopped tracking time spent on my daily activities. I start to feel that it might not be healthy for me any more. When I started this healing process, I transferred my obsession with games into this obsession with spending more time on studying, hobbies and gym. It totally worked. But on the other hand, I felt that I was more willing to spend time on the activities that I keep track of rather than those that were not in my database, e.g. chores. Also, now that I genuinely enjoy the things that I do, I don't think I still need the statistics to keep myself motivated. It's been fine for the past 3 days.
2) I stopped using my Pomodoro app most of the time. I still use the Pomodoro technique, but mostly using a 30-min hourglass. One reason is that the app is on the phone, and inevitably I need to check my phone to use it every time, which may lead to distraction. The other reason is that I don't want to be too strict with the time limit on each session. When I watch a lecture video, I prefer to stop at the end of the video, instead of having a 5-min leftover. And especially when I am coding, sometime I just can't stop when the alarm rings.
3) I have increased appetite. Probably a result of working out consistently. It's not really good news because I'm trying to lose weight. The way to deal with it is to exercise more. If I want to have a big dinner, I need to run longer to earn some calorie budget. As long as the net daily calorie intake is under control, I eat as much as I want. It's good because for the new me, exercising more is much less painful than eating less. It's kind of ironic that I used to prefer starving myself in order to lose weight.
1. I feel your reasoning with this thought. I go crazy tracking my hours doing hobbies or socializing. If I don't reach a specific hourly amount then I'm a failure and then give up entirely. It's stressful and makes me also feel like I'm trying to fill my day up to have it pass by easier instead of allowing myself to build a natural enjoyment for my hobby and live life instead of push life by.
3. Craving food is good. You can lose sight without working out as well. I'm not saying this to suggest not working out, but I lost 60 pounds just by having a healthy diet and eating smaller meals 5 times per day instead of 3 large ones. Going to the gym helps me on top of the new diet and together they're beneficial to every aspect of life. My point in explaining this is I don't want you to ever hold yourself calorically hostage and ruin your day or health.
Keep up the good work.
Matt
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On 12/11/2018 at 2:00 PM, Silverlining said:
Did you see the pic below originally posted to this forum by @karabas ? Feeling depressed or wasting time occasionally doesn't invalidate all your past effort.
Learning not to beat ourselves up when we "fail" is very important. I would say that it's more important to be able to deal with setbacks than to keep succeeding.
Real life will be full of setbacks. We'll be fine as long as we stay resilient.
Good luck!
I like this a lot. I tend to be very difficult to myself and bevis a hypocrite but telling others to be easy on themselves. I gotta practice what I preach a bit a work harder at healing. I haven't gamed in 8 weeks, but I also haven't done anything in 8 weeks. I just sit here now and I'm getting exponentially depressed and cynical towards others. Brooding with hatred. I don't like this feeling.
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Dear Diary...
in Daily Journals
Posted
It's just a very defeated feeling and it's hard for me to work on myself or hobbies when I feel so sad and trapped.