BooksandTrees

I've been so busy recently that I haven't had time to post something relevant. I'm 4 weeks free from video games and 1 week free of pornography. I think they're both so cancerous. I've been busy because I have been focusing a lot on work, socializing, and moving out of my apartment. I have a very outgoing personality. Although I love my private time, I realize I deal with stress better by being with other people, socializing, and just being the center of attention for a bit. I've prioritized making plans each weekend and during some nights of the week to get out of the house and be with my friends. I've also noticed that since I've been doing this and not gaming that my heartburn has completely disappeared. For a solid year I was having painful heartburn each day and night. This would keep me up at night due to extreme nausea and sharp pains. Sometimes I thought I had a severe ulcer or was having heart pains. This went away during this time. I went to the doctor and he kept trying to give me medication to cut off stomach acid production completely and I find it funny how now I don't even take anything for my stomach and nothing is bothering me. Don't treat your symptoms only, try to treat the cause of the symptoms. I mention pornography here because I think it's another very addictive thing that deters you from moving forward in life. If you notice, most gamers complain about their social lives and the fact they're not in a relationship. It's so easy for gamers to just play video games for any sense of achievement and dopamine rush that they don't pursue any legitimate hobbies or hard work in life. This is the same methodology with pornography. It made me lazy and feel like I didn't need a relationship. It kind of skewed my perception of looking for a woman because I'd just look for certain features rather than who she was. I also didn't feel like searching for a girlfriend because I could just watch porn and move on. This was bad because I was closing off love from my life. I don't think people understand how important it is to fall in love and have someone love you unconditionally. If you can find a relationship with someone who really loves you for you and you can be passionate with then it's the greatest thing in the world. Porn gets in the way of that like video games get in the way of meaningful hobbies. I'm proud of the progress I'm making so far and am going to get back into my larger hobbies this weekend. Matt

I seem to have missed the missing work part. Is this a full time job or is this something in your hobbies that you are trying to work on? Good job with the other achievements. I found that when I cut excess sugar (I still get sugar from fruit and healthy carbs) that my mind felt better. Same thing with fatty foods. I feel better without them. Water and healthy sleep patterns keep me moving forward and prevent depression I have also found.

Today I was sick again and just slept all day. I tried going to work, but I was so exhausted that I just felt like I was wasting time so i left. I've been so exhausted and tired. I just want to sleep. I had cold-like symptoms yesterday, but they're gone now. It's just exhaustion now. I have been sleeping for like 16 hours a day...maybe 18 lol. If it continues I'll obviously visit my doctor. Until then, nothing has changed. I get annoyed because I'm going through some difficult life decisions soon with moving from my current apartment and stuff. I just am not sure what to think and have been making steady improvements to my social life etc. It's important that I stay patient and try my best to pursue my hobbies and support myself. I've just felt lots of unrest and unease during the past week with my immediate and long term future. Matt

Today I caught a cold and slept from 11 PM to 8 AM and then until 11 AM. I then watched The Big Lebowski and slept for another 4 hours. I had a really productive day lol. On a positive note, I used to play video games all day when I was sick. I did not do that today! Matt

What a busy weekend! I took my office to a hockey game on Thursday, saw a stand up comedy show on Friday, went shopping with friends and then to a board game party at night with other friends on Saturday, and then went hiking today! I am exhausted and I think I'm catching a cold lol. But I'm really happy I did this. I wanted to go out and do things with people I enjoy spending time with. It meant a lot to me to have my friends with me and doing great things. This has been nice for me and I'm starting to think with a more positive mindset. I feel like life is getting better and my options for doing things is growing. The only issue is I haven't been interested in working on my podcast that I've been producing. I also haven't really had the time to do the little things around the house that I've wanted to work on like laundry, etc. It is important that I take some time for myself and do the things I need to do so I don't stress out about it when making plans. This opens up the interesting conundrum of saying no to people. I worked so hard to do things with friends and get out of the house, but I still have the ability to say no and do things around the house. It's about finding that balance. It's been 2 weeks without gaming and my fogginess is all gone and my vocabulary is returning to form. I feel a lot better and have been a master of conversation in the social scene. I need to keep this up and just role with things. Just because I've had a lot of great weeks doesn't mean some can be bad. I just need to take the good with the bad and not revert to past forms of escapism if one turns out that way. Matt

This is how it started for me, but I just realized I was really pissed off at how I was living my life. Most of my friends and people I knew just stayed home and played video games all day. I have the desire to leave the house, socialize, meet people, try to find a woman to date, exercise, etc. I got so angry that this wasn't happening and realized that nobody was forcing me to stay home. I could just go out and do these things to find balance. It has been nice. I refuse to believe the internet is my issue because I do plenty of research, but I've never watched Twitch or visited Reddit before, so I don't really understand the addiction that others may have. Not in a mean way, just that I don't understand since I haven't experienced it. Similar to how non-gamers don't get how we can't stop playing video games.

I tried both and felt that I failed in each for different reasons. When I did the 1-2 hours of moderation I ended up crashing and going for like 6-12 hours some days. If I did no gaming I felt better mentally, but failed because I thought I could go to moderate gaming.

So this is true and helped lead me to lots of success in my life. The only issue with this is that when I get sad I'll turn it to anger because it's better to be angry than sad in my mind. I'll also use anger as my motivation instead of love or inspiration. I've actually been trying to tone back my anger responses. I don't have a temper or anything like that. I guess I get angry that I am not doing as well as I could have and just use it as energy to reach my goals. But I don't want to always do that. "I'm angry that I'm single" and then angrily go out to a dating thing lol.

Oh I remember you said you'd like to keep it to 4 hours a day. Do you enjoy this? I wonder if this will eventually change while you are growing.

You're doing great. I am very proud of you for speaking with your family about it. Recognize that this phase of the healing process is going to unfold many revelations for you. You're going to start researching all of these things that can hinder your growth as a human in your eyes. Losing weight takes a lot of time and commitment. I have lost 15 lbs from eating 5 meals a day about 200-250 calories each. Dieting is different for each person because our bodies react differently. Recently, I've been enjoying these meals and the meal preparation has helped me play fewer video games and be more responsible with how I eat. I'm also working on my posture. I got a standing desk at work and have been doing yoga for a while. Are you looking to quit gaming altogether? I noticed you still play 4 hours a day and was wondering what your sights are set on.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to stop thinking and just do what you want. I struggle with this sometimes along with billions of others. It's something where we want to do something, think of it, think of why not to do it, and just agonize. Anxiety looms over us like a shadow on an almost sunny day. We just gotta stay strong and let ourselves know it is ok to try something. What are your goals for speech and posture? I'm currently doing that. I also track my calories on myfitnesspal and read at night. I've lost 15 lbs in the past 1.5 months as well. What are your goals with weight if you don't mind me asking? If not, don't worry about it.

Also, I finally listened to Bohemian Rhapsody today. I didn't listen to it because these people in high school used to sing it all the time and it pissed me off. But I really love the power of the song and how it makes you feel like you're escaping this prison and unleashing yourself. When Freddie Mercury screams "OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BABY!!!" I just feel invincible.

Today started off terrible and got worse by the hour. Different events at work kept cascading on top of me as I tried to maintain sanity, composure, and reason. I got blindingly angry and had to step aside multiple times to walk, take deep breaths, and calm down. I wanted to badly to go into my car and scream and punch the passenger seat, but I did not. I just walked and took deep breaths until it was right for me to talk things out and move forward. No matter what happens in life, there will be people who try to hurt you and bring you down. Your best option is to defend yourself and move on. You'll learn who is pathetic and who is not pathetic. You don't have to associate yourself with pathetic people and you damn well better be sure you're not pathetic. I'm 12 days free of gaming and I'm years free of torture. I can do anything and will always have my back. Let's fucking go! Matt

I agree, but it's so hard for me to change these thoughts from my emotions. I keep trying to tell my therapist I might be bipolar or something, but he says everyone deals with these emotional spiderwebs where we can't escape our emotions and thoughts. The more we struggle, the more we just get wound up in this web of frustration. It's about calming down and changing the way we think about it. Plus, I don't get into a manic state during these episodes. I remain full control of my psyche and that's why I am fine apparently. One of my thoughts was that we go into a fight or flight mode. So when something frustrating happens it is easy to just think of ways to escape or quit your job, etc. These aren't reasonable solutions to just logically solving them or moving on. I don't know if anyone is the master of these emotions because people are terrible and always find a way to unhinge your calmness.

Today was good. I met up with an old friend and connected with her for a few hours. It was nice since we haven't seen each other in years. I really look forward to things like this because it makes me feel a lot better in general. I had a good day today, but had a very depressing end to the day where I started to beat myself up for wasting time and not being as good of a worker as I thought I'd be during the day. I let myself down, so I'm gonna work hard tomorrow to make up for it and finish strong. I'm 10 days clear of gaming and starting to get my mind back. I'm making lots of plans to see friends, but I'd like to do better with controlling my emotions and not being so hard on myself. I have gotten better than I once was, but I'm still a disaster. I make a mistake and start to crush myself and swear at myself to the point where I want to cry. Instead of being sad, I get angry to hide the sadness and get into a bad mood. I'm trying, but it is so difficult to forgive myself and move on. My goals this week are to continue seeing friends and get into a good spot and then slowly get back into my podcast and cartoon if possible. Matt

I've been 9 days clean of gaming. I'm having a difficult time trying to pursue my creative hobbies due to being tired after work. I have also been spending time with friends and family outside of work. This has been important to me. I'm making connections with people who want to live life, be happy, work hard, and do different things. It's made me really enjoy life more and have a more positive outlook. I think this means I'm doing the right thing and I'll pick up these hobbies when I feel it's right. I believe this is correct and will keep pursuing it. Short post, but I am tired. I had a great day since my coworkers took me out for dinner and drinks. We're going to a sporting event later this week together as well. I'm just very pleased with people right now. Matt

Good job today. Try not to take on too much at once. I noticed as gamers we are very efficient minded people who try to do all kinds of tasks at once. It's overwhelming and difficult to maintain this. A few suggestions I had aside from taking on too much is to try and not game during the day. Your mind will need to have a break from gaming to heal itself. You can remove a lot of fogginess and irritability from not gaming. The first couple of days are the hardest because you'll crave dopamine rushes. It's important to not binge watch shows, youtube, twitch, talk about gaming, or play games during this phase. Just know that it's ok to be bored sometimes. It's ok to sit there and relax at night. This is the time to clear your mind, do yoga, meditate, read, or focus on drawing, etc. I also wanted to suggest not snoozing. If you wake up in the morning, get out of bed immediately and start your day. I noticed that if I snooze during the mornings it gives me a grogginess effect of heavy head and lethargic thinking. It made me feel depressed when I wasn't, but that made me get depressed. It's confusing, but that happens. This also helps get a good routine where you can get control in your life to exercise more, work on hobbies, meet people, and find yourself.

Hi Fawn, I'd like to say welcome to our forum. You took the right step toward healing and becoming the person you were meant to be by recognizing this as a problem in your life. I would like to recommend my story to you here: My Gaming Addiction Story I had a very similar issue you have where I gamed endlessly into the morning hours and then would sit in bed and have an anxiety attack. I was so malnourished after gaming. I wouldn't eat, drink, or sleep. I just hated my life and myself so much. But I realized I actually didn't hate myself that much and that I loved myself. It's a very important thing to recognize. If you are here to help yourself it is because you do love yourself. Quitting gaming will help you appreciate life more and gain gratification for hobbies and activities you do. Let me know if you need help at all. Otherwise I'll keep reading your story and daily journal if you keep one (you should). We have a good community here. Matt

That's great. We just gotta keep moving forward and recognize the things we desire most in life. I just was giving up too easily all the time. Thanks for reading my story. I hope it helps you and others move forward with their addiction recovery and achieving their goals.

Thank you! I was really proud of the whole thing and just felt like I can expand my life a lot more now. It was a huge moment for me and I'm gonna work to figure out how to improve each time.

Pride Today was my 6th day without gaming and I decided to push my comfort zone very far. I went to a night club by myself in a city I never go to. To say I am proud of myself is such an understatement. I have wanted to go to a club and dance with people for years. I dreamed of it. None of my friends want to go to clubs and I was so afraid to go alone, but I did it. I found a meetup group and just went. I was so nervous all last night and today that I had a severe anxiety attack and just started swearing at myself all day and night. I called my mom and my friends and they told me I had nothing to fear or worry about. Dancing with people and grabbing a drink isn't hard. Overcoming an abusive life, neglect, almost failing out of college and turning out to be in the top 5 students of engineering, getting a great job twice by myself, and becoming a leader in everything I do is harder than that. Today was a victory for me and I'm beaming from ear to ear. Thanks to everyone for believing in me and I'm gonna keep going. Matt

I'm 5 days without gaming right now. I had another night where I read my book. I'm currently reading "Going Bovine" by Libba Bray. The first few pages were terrible, but I actually enjoy the story now. I'm about 60 pages in and hooked. I had a great day at work getting a lot done. I went out for lunch with some great people and then went out for a birthday dinner with other coworkers after. It was really nice spending time with them and it's just a great community. Tonight I'm going to relax, read, and go to bed early. I'd like to go to the gym tomorrow morning. I didn't do yoga tonight because of the birthday party, but it is ok. I still stretched a lot today and stood at my standing desk at work to help my posture. I really enjoy it. Matt

Today is my 4th day without gaming. I woke up early today and got a great start to my morning. I also finished a large submittal at work. This allowed me to move to another project that I was not originally assigned to work on, but it allows me to help my coworkers who need help to reach another deadline next week. I had more fun with coworkers today and came home feeling accomplished, but tired. Instead of taking a nap I set in phase another thing I wanted to do, which was practice Yoga for 30 minutes when I get home. I wanted to do this because my mind needs a break from staring at the computer all day. I don't want to come home and look directly at a computer again. I took 2 hours to clean my room, do laundry, and practice to gain peace of mind, exercise, and feel good. Now I am ready to go out for that dinner and then relax and be ready for tomorrow. The next thing I'd like to get in action for my daily routines is going to the gym in the mornings, but one thing at a time. I'm really happy I got my yoga in today and want to continue doing this after work. I don't really enjoy being online all day. Matt

This is very true. I think I just see how much effort the end goal is going to take and don't want to do it. There are times when I come home from work and am just so tired I can't possibly work on something new. That's why it is so easy to fall into old gaming habits. I really like that mentality of practice makes perfect, but practice what you preach, and preach love. I'd like to draw a bit soon. I really enjoyed my cartoon storyline and wrote almost 10 episodes. I got really let down by the animation and drawing aspect since i know nothing about it.

Today is my 3rd day without gaming. It was a better day for me mentally. I'm really getting down on myself about not recording a podcast recently. I just fell behind and got upset. I did a full analytics portion on hockey teams who were playing above or below what their standings reflected. I made predictions of who would move up and down the standings and my predictions all came true, but I didn't publish the episode. Moving on from this I can't beat myself up. Whenever I fail at something I just beat myself up and make myself feel terrible, which is what used to lead me to playing video games in my abusive environment previously. I'm going to take positives from this. I still have a following on social media and online, my predictions were correct, and I'm still getting asked where my episodes are. I'm going to come back strong this week and produce something fun for people to see and for me to feel better about. Tonight I'm starting my reading again. I want to read for an hour or so before bed each night. I also had several more people at working telling me to do stand up comedy. I'm very close and just want to make plans with people to see a live show soon. Tonight I have more energy than I've had in a while. I feel my life coming back to me slowly. I feel like I can grab this energy now and work on my podcast a bit or another hobby. I'm also getting tired around 9 (right now). This is good for me. I also have been watching 1 episode of a show each week. Sundays I watch Handmaid's tale, Tuesdays I watch The League, Wednesdays I watch This Is Us, and Thursdays I watch South Park. I am doing this because I remember how excited I'd get after school when I was younger to watch shows. Binge watching them is like playing video games and makes you get that dopamine rush. Also, I don't want any TV show recommendations. I don't really care what you like to watch to be honest and am sorry for sounding rude. I just get annoyed when I tell people I'm watching a show and they blurt "Oh My GoD hAve Y oU SeEn RiCk AnD mORtY??? WHaT a BoUT gAmE Of ThRoNeS?" Stop....I don't care...please just let me watch my shows. Matt