NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Vera
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Everything posted by Vera
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Friday was short and I guess pretty normal. I didn't go to the graveyard, just attended the dinner with family. Went home and tried to sleep after that, but I can't sleep when it is not dark outside, so I got up again and wrote a long entry in my diary. I really love my new fountain pen. It's a pleasure to write with. I've been looking at various planners on the internet for some time. No luck. I will try to decorate my current binder which I use as a diary, there are so many options to avoid buying a new one. I want to change the look of the cover and I can make it as pretty as I want to. Simple! And I'll avoid constant flashbacks when I look at the old binder I used as a diary before. I don't want to remember all that happened, good or bad.
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Thank you! I'm not sad though. I think she's free now and I should be happy for her. She has been ill for a couple of years and it made her tired and unwilling to live.
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I've helped my sister after work, it required some going back and forth. I was in a good mood when I finished work, but after I did what she asked from me, I felt much worse. I saw that someone mentioned "small mental breakdown" at Discord, I guess I can follow my own advice and go to sleep asap to get over it. I think I've pushed myself too far at the gym yesterday. I was told to replace the exercise that was painful to do with another one, and I did 6 sets. It was too much of a good thing, my knees didn't like it and I have some trouble moving around, especially when I'm walking downstairs. It will take some time to recover. I won't go to the gym tomorrow. My close relative died yesterday and I will attend a funeral. I took half a day off from work to do that, but that's another story.
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Don't have a lot of time to write long posts. I'm sticking to the gym, watching what I eat and I am proud of myself after every workout I complete. I stick to the gym no matter what and it is such a good thing. I see results, I push myself in a safe environment, I test my limits and get to know what I am capable of. I've just scratched the surface of myself, I have so much more to discover. It is fascinating. Thoughts about gaming don't appear in my head often. I am so busy with my goals I have no desire to waste my time on games. I realised how pointless it is to play your life away, I don't like the direction in which the industry seems to evolve, so I just don't want to download and install anything. I know I can do that, but I also know that I'll be bored to death and full of regret after 5 minutes.
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My coding project is such entertainment for me. I can work on it for hours, read everything I can find to solve my problem, try and retry. I'm happy when I finally do what I've planned for today. Even if the question is small, it is very rewarding to find the answer. I found myself still hanging out on youtube while I eat. I have to think about how to change this habit. I want to use earphones because I hate TV (my mom watches unbearably cringy shows), but I tend to choose cringy stuff on yt and it wastes my time. I seem to stick to my skin care routine. I scheduled the procedures I want to do during the week and I just do them when the time comes. I first thought that I would use a bullet journal, but the todo app is more convenient.
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Good and bad news came today. I don't really have anything to say about bad news, it's a personal matter, but I'm brave enough to meet them without fear. People I know make me happy by achieving their goals. Isn't that good to be genuinely happy for someone else's win? Games built on competition teach us to hate it when others are better, but it has nothing to do with how real life works. You have to share and be ready to help and play together (reasonably) to be welcomed pretty much anywhere. If you notice you are developing hatred for ones who have something in game you doesn't have without any other reason, you're breeding toxicity in yourself and others. Leave games so a piece of code won't change you into someone you don't want to be.
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6 pm. I did some of the things I've planned, but not all of them yet, I still have some time though. I've been cautious while shopping today and avoided some unnecessary purchases. But I love good stationery, I bought 1000 paper clips that look like bronze for less than 1$. I'd say my city is a stationery desert - you can't get truly interesting stuff. Of course, they sell Moleskines and Parkers, but that's way too overpriced for me. I managed to damage my left index fingernail while eating dried fish. Yeah, I'm a genius.
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The first part of the weekend was very good. I did many things I wanted to do, started to do some coding again, went to the gym, did a usual water change and fed fish. I even had the time to stretch on my bed in the middle of the day and write a long entry into my journal. The weather is bad and I'll stay home tomorrow. I have some things planned for tomorrow as well, I think I need to write my tasks somewhere. @Catherine17 thank you! Yes, I find it easier to not eat when I am not hungry now. I found that I have no problems being hungry for some time if I don't have any snacks/food at hand, but I tend to eat everything I see. Drinking water helps to some extent, but my older colleague keeps leaving the snacks (mostly cookies or candy) on my desk if she doesn't want to eat them. I think she has an actual eating disorder because she's obese and can't stick to a healthy diet.
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Week was busy! I didn't go to the gym as planned, every other day, I did my best to stay on track. I believe that cardio is better than nothing, so I went to the gym yesterday and did my usual 40 min of cardio. I couldn't fall asleep until midnight, but I was good today. I noticed that I have a better posture now and it is easier. I don't have to force myself to stand straight, I don't have to fight with my own tight muscles, the only problem is that I got used to hunching and this habit needs to be replaced. I found an interesting coding project and I plan to start working on it tomorrow. I have a lot of free time on the weekend and I am dying to do something meaningful. I feel bad about myself if I waste a weekend away and I am so tired of it. I just want to be better. I found an interesting concept in Peterson's book. He says you need to negotiate with yourself and keep your word. So if you clean up a table or water flowers, you can drink a cup of coffee. And you must reward yourself immediately after you finish the task, no matter how small it is. Being honest with yourself is important. I also started keeping track of food I eat. It's a new experience for me. I don't try to count calories, I want to determine how my diet is affecting me and if I need to cut out any more products.
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Rent a place close to your work. This will give you 2 hours every day. You also mentioned you don't like being at home because of pressure it puts on you. You won't lose a lot of money on rent, but you will get a chance to at least relax and work on your cartoon! You won't be happy even if you buy a house, even if it will be big and beautiful and full of stuff. Even someone else like a gf or a wife won't bring you happiness. Relationships at this stage won't be useful because you are not ready to invest into another human, you have to heal yourself first.
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I can't agree on putting wisdom aside, @Mouxine The desire to have sex is perfectly normal. It is healthy, there's nothing wrong with it. Finding a girlfriend? You can handle it. But you will have to devote time and attention to her, so your schedule will be even more hectic if you try to squeeze some time for her into it. By the way, do you drive for all 2.5 hours of your commute? It's just way too far! Can you find a place to live a bit closer to your work?
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I am stuck at work. It's already late and I am tired. Won't have time to do much in the evening, but I will go to sleep earlier. I have bright dreams now, mostly about zombies, no idea why my brain likes this idea so much. Got a hint I can get a higher position at my work. It is still a hint, but I like the idea. I measured myself and I have a clearer goal now. I want to lose some weight, but I don't have scales (they broke lol) and I got used to using the mirror as a way to determine my progress. Can't say I am excited to tweak my diet, but all the work I do at the gym will be useless without it. I have no choice. I can think about it as practicing voluntarily discomfort. Started to listen to 12 rules of life by Peterson. I can relate to many things he says, especially about why doing things that are good for you is hard. I am curious about similarities with Stoicism, but he relies mainly on Bible, so I have to listen carefully and think about if and how ideas are connected. It is a nice mental exercise! @BooksandTrees I know I won't be able to love myself like others pretty much because I know myself too well. Everything that is dark and evil in me that other people won't see, it's here before my eyes. So I agree with you, even if improving your life is not the most exciting thing, you still have to do that day in and day out. @Mouxine I can say the same about my own family. I tell them to take good care of themselves and no one listens! @Brian What do you consider to be acts of love you show towards others? I listen to people, cheer them up, try to make them smile, tell them that good times will come, etc etc. I am ready to sacrifice a lot for ones I love. I try to understand their situation as much as I can and then offer my help to improve it. Actually, yes, I can do a lot of it towards myself. Thank you!
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Hey, I want to cheer you up a bit, but I really don't know what to say. It is really an achievement to go 9 days without porn considering you are single. Don't think it is impossible to quit porn, you can do it!
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I had 3 days off this week because of international women's day. I don't have a lot of things to do now mostly because I don't put enough effort into setting goals and planning ahead. I also missed journaling so much. I realise how important it is to me only when I stop writing almost every day. I hope to get a new fountain pen very soon and this will make long writing sessions more pleasant. My mom was really eager to grow flowers from seeds and we spent some time moving seedlings to bigger pots. She chose the flowers I personally hate and never find pretty. I have no idea why she likes them. She also watches tv all the time and I prefer to listen to music because of how stupid and annoying tv is. I guess my next goal will be to figure out how to make a small tablet suitable for studying. Am I making excuses? Yes, I am. I should've done it long ago. I procrastinate a lot. I'm almost constantly on my phone. I turned grayscale off and it was a very, very bad thing to do. It sent me down a bottomless rabbit hole of youtube. I don't watch cute cats videos (I am not a huge fan of cats), but there is enough content to keep me on for hours. And it is a lot of pressure on my eyes. I heard that you should treat yourself like a person you love. I guess this advice can be useful and should be my main task. The funny thing is I know how beneficial it would be, but I know how hard it can be. It is always easy to say inspiring things to someone, to give good advice, to be smart and kind and ready to listen and actually mind what they are and what they want. But to love myself? It is a really hard thing to do. I guess I never loved myself as much as I loved other people. But it is never too late to try and be a slightly better human being
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Holidays! International women's day is an official holiday, so I worked till 7 pm yesterday and had a party with colleagues afterwards, so I came home around midnight. I didn't get a hungover, but I still didn't like how I felt after drinking some red wine, my head was spinning and I was way too excited. I do think good water is better than any alcohol you can get. I spent some time outside. I went to a mall and checked some stores. I was looking for a new hairbrush, my old one became scratchy and uncomfortable. Yeah, I know, that's just girls stuff. But I got it. And I decided not to trim my hair for some time. I have pretty good healthy hair so why cut them off.. Games aren't that interesting to be honest. After some time your hijacked brain returns to its normal state, I noticed people mention depression a lot at this point, a week or so without games and boredom returns. You start noticing your feelings again, and boredom is probably the first thing you will encounter. It is not bad, but I wish I had more mental clarity to remind myself that my feelings are simply feelings!
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@BooksandTrees it seems I'm a bit late.. I don't think dating someone at work is a good idea. You overthink because you don't want to consider another options?..
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Well, I didn't have enough sleep so I'm falling off my feet. The day wasn't very hard but rather long and seemingly endless. The weather is really unpredictable now (didn't look up the forecast in the morning, my bad) so I ended up freezing. When I came home, I decided to do some knitting and ended up talking to people on Discord. I love the community. Gotta go to sleep now.
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I'm falling asleep. Today is probably a full month since I've started going to the gym. I installed Pinterest to find some knitting tricks and I pretty naturally encountered all those pics of beautiful fit girls, usually alongside with some challenges like 100 squats a day. By the way, I didn't like doing tons of squats, it made my knees painful and I didn't see any results. But I wanted to write about something different. I noticed that I compared myself with these girls on pictures and I totally forgot how heavily photoshopped they might be. I know that my body will never be as beautiful as theirs. I have scars, stretch marks, birth marks, my skin still flares up sometimes. It's not fair to beat myself up because my real body and face without makeup isn't looking like the top-quality professional photo. I don't have to chase every beauty standard society throws at me. It's pointless.
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@BooksandTrees thanks for still being on the Discord. ;) I think that a weekend isn't that structured as a regular day. We don't have to go to work ot get up early. We tend to procrastinate more because hey, there's still so much time. What can solve this problem?
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Monday was quite interesting. I was busy at work, forgot my keys in the gym bag and had to wait for mom to come home. Did a small water change in my aquarium, gave food to all hungry fish, small and very small and really tiny ones. Celestial pearl danios were very shy but they are much more outgoing now, several of them are hanging out near the front glass with Endler guppies. I'm happy when I see them playing and swimming around. It always calms me down to just sit there and watch how everything grows. I wonder why I forget about it when I'm stressed. I don't have that much time until I go to sleep. I was going to study Excel for a while, but all I can squeeze into the remaining time is some touch typing lessons and my diary. I'm so sleepy I can't think about anything harder than that.
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@120981 I read all this. You know, I can write my own story just like this. I've been in long distance relationships before, several years ago. We met in the game, talked for a couple of months, decided that we should meet. He came to me, travelled for 16 hours and we had around two weeks together. I was too emotionally unstable and young, and I was under a tremendous pressure. Long story short, I failed him in the worst possible way. I escaped into games and he had to go through the same torture as I am. I know what the post is about. I know this all too well. The thing is, I will not allow myself to escape this time. Games are out of question, period. They won't help me even if I played the hell out of every game. That's the truth.
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Weekend is fine so far. I went to the cinema yesterday with a friend and I liked the movie. It was a comedy so I just had fun. I made some effort to look good and I was very satisfied with the result. I went to the gym today and paid for 3 months of membership, until June. I'm proud of myself. I keep my word even when it is hard. I'm doing what I must because there is no other way for me. My survival depends on it. If I give up, I will die. Well, technically I will die anyway, but I don't want to be miserable while I am alive.
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My Friday was filled with various events. One thing disturbed me today. I've seen a big dog (probably a puppy of a huge breed) tied to the pole in the morning. He was going around the pole for the good part of the night, freezing and scared. Someone brought him there and just left him all alone. Poor animal didn't have even some water. I couldn't leave him alone and went to check what's going on when I had a break at work. He was still there, he didn't leave, but at least he was not tied anymore. I brought him a bowl of water and one man went with me and gave him some food. I called animal control and told them about the dog. It's just so cruel to leave your dog all alone like that. I think it's more humane to put an animal down if you can't or don't want to own it anymore. I feel uneasy about that dog. I spent whole evening knitting. It calmed me down and I want to go to sleep right now.
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@Average_Guy well, I wouldn't say I have expensive pens. But I made some mistakes, I bought several fairly cheap fountain pens here in Russia and they were all very bad. One would not start writing at all, the other one is writing very unstable and is uncomfortable, another one just broke after a week or so.. I would probably be better off with one Japanese low-end pen. The gym is my psychotherapy so to say. If I skip, I become bored and restless and my thoughts are racing. I'm holding on much better thanks to constant healthy dose of endorphins. :)
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The day was good. I made an effort and went to the gym today. Didn't do a lot, just cardio, but I still did something. I started to knit leg warmers again. I went with a simple pattern and I am happy with how it turns out. I installed Pinterest to look up some ideas and I can't stop thinking how skinny models are. It looks like they never really eat. I don't want to have a model's body, or a beach body or a summer body. There's no need to envy those girls on pretty pics, I can do the same if I keep my diet and exercise under my control. I am really curious what I am capable of. It's time to sleep.