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Posts posted by JustTom

  1. Day 82 | Work: 16p | Music: 0p | Misc: social

    Midday update: didn't manage to get up at 7,so I technically overslept for 3 hours, but it's not a big deal since last night I didn't sleep much plus I couldn't call asleep for a long time. Anyway, at the office I crushed it for 8 hours. Really good focus, all natural today. Going to a small goodbye bbq, but I'm setting a rule for myself to only drink a single beer and go home after an hour to hustle or two more hours. I'm pretty much done with all implementation, so now it's all about managing experiments, plotting, analyzing and WRITING. Tomorrow I HAVE TO write an entire chapter. Gonna be hard, but I can do it. Going to start with model architecture instead of introduction because I have to split my day in two blocks and four introduction I need a full 8-10 hours to write it like a novel. Technical details are now easily segmented.

    Wish me luck to not get drunk. 

    Morning the next day update: welp, I got drunk and overslept until 10:30 again lol. 

    • Like 2

  2. Day 81 | Work: 21p | Music: 0p | Misc: call


    Let's fucking GO! The hope for an earlier deadline is miniscule, but I will try my hardest to still make it. Even if I don't, working 60-80 hours per week is required until end of september anyways. But I think I can make it. I believe I can write my entire goddamnit thesis in a month, while still coding, running new experiments and analyzing. I have a goal in mind and I will stop at nothing to achieve it!!! All I need to do is tripple down on daily habits, get up in the morning, go to sleep at 11pm and while working - FOCUS - get into deep work, no shallow procrastination daydreaming bullshit. Just like I crushed it today, I'm going to crush it tomorrow. Get in the flow, stay in the flow. 

    Yep - Meditation + sleep before midnight
    Yep - Got up early
    Yep - Store laptop in the office
    Yep - CGAA/call
    Yep - Affirmations
    Yep - No Reddit

    @Ikar @Phoenixking Thanks bros, I might reply later when I find the time hah

    • Like 4

  3. Day 77 | Work: 14p | Music: 0p | Misc: event

    Day 78 | Work: hard to gauge | Music: 0p | Misc: social

    Day 79 | Work: 0p | Music: 0p | Misc: 

    Day 80 | Work: 0p | Music: 0p | Misc: 

    ERHM. A lot of things have happened since my last update. My roommate graduated with a fantastic grade and left the same day to travel the world. I was quite sad about it, he's a great person and I really think I grew in a way I couldn't without him. Not just because I was able to stay sober for 80 days, but also my mindset changed considerably. I think I went through my bi-annual change of worldview or mindset. Before, I was hyper-focused on career achievement and when I couldn't do it through gaming, I was hating myself quite deeply. Of course I was always aware that there is more in life and career is not the only thing I wanted, but nevertheless, that was my #1 thing in life. Now I value life much more. Experience, presence and acceptance. I accepted myself for who I am. That, however, didn't mean that I want to change myself any less. It simply means that I am less resentful, or even accepting, towards my current self, while still striving to become better every day. I just don't obsess as much. On top of that, I now want to explore life first, before diving into a career. That means seeing new things, exploring opportunities, talking to new people, seeing new cultures. Yes, it includes travel, but it's not travel for travel's sake. I'm being aware of this romanticized fantasy of travel, but the truth is, I want to experience something that doesn't necessarily have a specific desired outcome. That's the exploration part. The benefits of it are unknown, but I believe they will be huge, and will overshadow the small sacrifice of money. ESPECIALLY because I can always return to my home town and live there for almost no cost. 
    I had a meeting with my supervisors and I proposed an ambitious deadline for the thesis. They didn't think I could do it, so I made them a deal that if I show more-or-less half of the report written by the end of August(chapters were specified), then we'd settle for the earlier deadline. If not, then it's the end of November deadline, which for me is much worse because of the last exam I have to take in October and other reasons. 

    This was friday. I got very excited to work super hard, but then one of our colleagues was leaving and having a goodbye party, so I went there and made a huge mistake by drinking. Quite a lot. Not to get hammered or anything, but I wasn't able to work for the rest of the day, went home and because it was my old room where no one will enter again, I went into my unconscious zombie mode. Just watching videos, series, browsing reddit and just kind of laying around doing nothing until I fell asleep. This wouldn't be a big deal - I was drunk and tired afterall, but because I didn't do any evening ritual, the next day was the same. And all sunday as well. It was even worse than that because I overslept until afternoon on saturday, and then even longer on sunday, essentially reversing my sleep schedule. Even though I didn't game, this kind of fucked up sleep feels very much like the old me. I've managed to not accumulate too much mess, but I'm back on the couch, which I used to game on during sleepless nights. My curtains are closed. I'm up at 4am to reset my sleep schedule with nootropics. I haven't talked to a single person for two days. I haven't worked, I haven't looked into music, I didn't do laundry, I didn't do anything productive, or unproductive but enjoyable. These states eventually lead to a relapse, it is guaranteed.

    The fact that my roommate left is very significant to my addiction recovery. If I knew that somebody would eventually come in and hangout, I'd never go through such a weekend. I feel a bit scared. Because if I can't handle this now, I think I never will. 

    Anyways, so my ambition of earlier graduation are 95% gone unless I somehow become a hyper-productive genius this week. I'll just try to reset sleep today, do as much as possible, and next week focus on recovering the habits that I started accumulating in the past two months. I really hope I didn't sabotage everything in the very first two days alone. If I didn't, I might be able to pull this off:

    • CGAA meeting or call with a person EVERY DAY
    • Leave laptop in the office every day 
    • 22:30 - shower, meditation, sleep
    • Wake up at 7
    • Affirmations every morning
    • No Reddit

    The first one is my higher power that will make me recover. So.. yeah let's see what happens. 1 more month until my end of internship. It's time to work super hard. It's time to show everyone that I am different. It's time to be the legend!

    • Like 4

  4. Day 74 | Work: 17p | Music: 0p | Misc: calls and talks

    Day 75 | Work: 13p | Music: 0p | Misc: 8p writing a manifesto + gym + call

    Day 76 | Work: 1p | Music: 0p | Misc: gym + talk

    I decided to include effective hours of work, instead of hours spent in the office because I legit got nothing done today. I find it nearly impossible to start writing, I just keep tabbing to reddit and some other random places, as well as daydreaming about all the cool things I will do in the near future. I mean really, I was actually looking up hostels in Bangkok this afternoon haha. The catch is, I still have to graduate, the deadline is in about 5 weeks and it's... well I have to fucking work wtf. I'm taking my nootropic tomorrow. I said I wouldn't do it until my next appointment with the ENT doctor because of my tinnitus, but since the tinnitus has normalized back and I'm really struggling hard to be productive, I will make it a single test day. At least I'll see the effect. 

    I need to really give up all my hopes and dreams for a few hours and become a work robot, no matter how much I hate it. Just GET SHIT DONE, and then I can live. Just a few weeks come on Tom it's not that fucking hard so STOP procrastinating!!!!!!!!!!!!

    On 8/19/2019 at 3:33 PM, Phoenixking said:
    On 8/19/2019 at 3:33 PM, Phoenixking said:

    Your response is incredibly mature, holy shit. A lesser person would just feel hurt, get angry and start a fight or worse. It seems you can look at him with love and understanding, despite his toxicity.

    Yeah, unfortunately, I'm unable to reach him. We are completely different people at this point. When we had a call we got into a huge argument and I think our relationship is damaged beyond repair. Or at least I don't see it getting better now. Oh well, just one of many dysfunctional families, no biggie, life goes on. 

    • Like 1

  5. Day 73 | Work: 0p | Music: 16p | Misc: CGAA

    What a fantastic weekend! I went socializing on friday, so on saturday and sunday I just chilled with music, as is my prefered way of chilling ? Finished my Furiosa string theme! I was extremely proud of it and the excitement of sending it to people and collecting that validation is the best feeling ever ha! Next step is to make a similar string theme, but my own original composition so we'll see how much I really learned hehe. It felt great making it, even better showing it off, and I learned a ton. I only applied very basic mixing&mastering though so I didn't get to as close as possible to the original, but I'll actually re-mix/re-master it just a liiiitle bit during next week and then post it here. I don't want to spend too much time on it, but I do want to fiddle a tiny bit more. Regardless, I need a lot of time for the original theme and the thesis deadline is uncomfortably close soooo I might even postpone this until after I'm done and just go full-throttle on my thesis. I'll think about it.

    Friday was... weird. We had a bit of a product-launch party with the company, at an outdoors bar. That was really fun, but then towards the end, one of our co-workers started feeling very dangerously unwell so we had to take care of that, then went to a coffeeshop and I got WAAAYY too high. I could barely speak, time felt like stretching and compressing all the time, I seriously wasn't sure which century I'm in. So I just kinda stared at a wall, walked around, enjoyed the outside, went home and slept for 12 hours lol. Didn't like it at all. Weed just doesn't do it for me. 

    I sent the Furiosa remake to my dad and he spilled his entire world of insecurity on me again, right after trashing the track as an absolute garbage and making himself into a victim and blaming me for rejecting his opinion. I know he's doing it to survive, to preserve his ego. Because in his world, it's impossible to achieve the dreams I have. And if I make steps to achieve them, he will try to slow me down as much as possible because in case I do achieve them, it would only mean his life was a lie. It's just simple ego survival. I try to keep this in mind and that he's really a hurting person in coping, not a malevolent person. 

    • Like 1


    This is the most important thing and it is never mentioned in this community. Pick up the phone and start dialing! For real, addiction means the brain is physically damaged and to try and brute-force through the cravings with sheer willpower is a path to hell. Call any friend, you don't have to talk about the issue at hand if you don't want to, just ask what's up, how are things, exchange some stories, get out of your head and off your keyboard.

    • Like 1

  7. Day 69 | Work: 16p | Music: 8p | Misc: a call

    Work is still very unproductive. I just can't get into it, my energy is at its absolute minimum when I'm in the office and all I want to do is go home and learn music. If I don't pick up my productivity this week, I can't make the september deadline - and I need to make it. I'll try my hardest to force myself tomorrow. If I'm not productive by noon, I will take my nootropic and stay until late, even though I really really wanted to take a break from it for a month. 

    I ditched the theme I was working on previously because I can't figure out how to make the sound more like the original, also wanted my ears to forget it. So I started with the Mad Max string theme to learn strings orchestration and midi cc control, since the next step in music mastery is to make an original string track focused on harmony. 

  8. Day 68 | Work: 10p | Music: 10p | Misc: Instrument shopping!

    Bought myself a midi controller! It's tiny, cheap and most importantly fits into my backpack! I'm vaguely planning some travels after my degree. I really want to do something adventurous after this is all over. I've been day-dreaming of going to Asia for so long, I have to do it. I could take my laptop together with the midi-controller just into my backpack and have a mobile music studio ready wherever I go. 

    Anyways, I visited the music shop - oh my god. So beautiful. Super expensive instruments and equipment everywhere, I could even play around with stage lighting. There were a few electronic drum kits so I just HAD TO stay a while and play. Felt so good to play drums again after years. Some of them are relatively cheap too and even though the sounds suck, I could just route it to my PC and use any library. I will definitely buy a kit in the future, when I settle down for a city ? 

    It was a chill day, spent the evening setting up the controller and learning more reaper tricks. I think I have most of the advanced stuff down at this point and there shouldn't be much left to hinder me on the technical side. 


    • Like 1

  9. Day 66 | Work: 0p | Music: 20p | Misc: Chores

    Noice. Both saturday and sunday I woke up on my own at 9, which is pretty amazing. Let's rock this new week, no procrastination, no excuses. Just buckle down and write. I need to finish by october!!! Time is running out let's go.

    • Like 2

  10. I'm not a parent, but I'll share my 2 cents: It is vital that you give your son an alternative to gaming. If all he wants to do is gaming and you take it away, it will only create resistance and resentment. It's like taking all he enjoys away, leaving him sitting in a boring room with nothing fun to do. Even though there are other things, it's hard to see when the gaming immersion was strong. It's generally not a sustainable strategy to force somebody to do or not do something. Rather, we should try to make them themselves want to change. It might be the case that a kid is just too young to understand the long-term negative impacts, in which case the only way to make them want to stop is to give them something else they want instead. Is there something else he likes? Such as sports, building stuff, other outdoors activities, or even just other entertainment. Try to replace his gaming time with doing that activity instead. If there isn't anything obvious that he wouldn't mind doing instead of gaming, I would make it my highest priority to show him. To show him people(preferably teens) doing cool non-gaming things. I'd show him what even very young composers can do with music, how they actually do it in practice(Ashton Gleckman is fricking 18 years old and he's already a famous composer), I'd show kids building robots, I'd show kids doing street tricks with skateboards and parkour, I'd show programmers/hackers and what they can do, I'd show art, I'd show technology, I'd show travel, anything that might spark that curiosity flame that will engulf him by finding out about a completely new world and finding it even cooler and more fun than games.

    That's how I would approach it.

  11. Day 65 | Work: 0p | Music: 1p | Misc: a looong talk

    Connected really deeply with my roommate, we made a yogi tea ceremony after his trip and then just talked for hours. Good stuff. Afternoon was spent mostly procrastinating and napping. The fact that I almost don't feel guilty about it signifies progress to me. Nevertheless, tomorrow I want to really focus and have a music production sunday!

    Thanks, @RB1! One day at a time, repeated 65 times.

    • Like 1

  12. Day 63 | Work: 6p | Music: 4p | Misc: doctor + CGAA

    Looks like I do indeed have pressure in my ears. That's a good thing though, it could have been hearing damage. Well, it could still also be hearing damage, but I'll have a test for that in a month. Apparently my eustachian tube is genetically smaller, therefore more prone to blockage due to inflammation that in my cause is caused by allergy. Nice. Either way, it's not too bad even in this state but I have high hopes for improvement with this treatment. It also makes me optimistic that I can keep using certain supplements, but I'll take a break from them for a month just to be sure. 

    I haven't really worked much this week so far lol. Not the end of the world, I'm running experiments so technically I can just supervise that and chill, but it would be nice to start writing the thesis itself too. I only have two months left. Shit, less than that. I only got 7 weeks. Uhh...

    Music: I'm switching to Reaper. I've tried FL studio, I tried really hard, but it's absolute hot garbage. Some features it pulls off exceptionally well, but others are a complete disaster, or not even existing. It's nice and fluid, but honestly for anything serious it's a piece of crap. Reaper has improved significantly from the last time I used it and it does look like it's on par with Pro Tools and Cubase at this point. Cubase is the best, but it's also un-piratable and costs 600 euros while Reaper is free so I'm gonna pass on that one. Was setting up today and there's more setting up to do, but not nearly as much as with FL studio because this thing actually works. 

  13. Day 61 | Work: 8p | Music: 0p | Misc: 8p other learning + talk

    Day 62 | Work: 8p | Music: 0p | Misc: 8p other learning + CGAA

    Still procrastinating on learning about the atrocities of the communist regime. I don't think it's contributing to the quality of my life, but I can't stop myself ? I've also been watching the Good Omens mini-series in the evenings, therefore I didn't do any music, but I finished it now so I'm hopping back on the train now. As well as early mornings. Starting tomorrow.

  14. Day 59 | Work: 6p | Music: 1p | Misc: a long talk

    Day 60 | Work: 4p | Music: 6p | Misc: 15p other learning

    Chill sunday, worked a bit in the morning, which I'm very proud of, then chilled, had a nap, talked with my roommate, very fascinating stuff. I'd write some profound things here buuuuuut I want to get shit done today. I've procrastinated the whole 8 hours in the office reading about recent Chinese history, hence the 15 pomodoros for other learning lol. I really need to get some things done so today's gonna be a long night with little sleep. I haven't done one of those in weeks. Been sleeping 7+ hours each night, so we'll see what's gonna happen hah. 

    Also, TWO MONTHS !! I'm closing in on my all-time record (63). 

    • Like 3
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