1) Thanks for sharing, Schwing, really. Your story makes me feel less lonely. And reminds me of what I am taking for granted. I can only hope you've been feeling better & living a better life.
2) I've been reading about a psychological defense mechanism termed "sublimation". It is, very basically, transforming the energy of the shitloads of anger we have into art, for example. So if you do get to be in a metal band (or start a one-man-band like Nine Inch Nails), get that shitstorm, all those feelings-thoughts out of your system and turn 'em into harmless sounds, or other forms of art. But the key, I think, is to do it for the sake of your own well-being instead of for recognition/admiration. Now i should actually be suggesting the idea to myself too.
3) Fuck machismo! I think it's one of the root causes of much misery in our lives (e.g. machismo dictates that men who cry are pussies/losers, without rational arguments, while science & art both say that crying, especially in certain situations, is a fucking NEED.)
Good luck, man! I mean it.
PS: if your PP is indeed Berserk's Guts, you rock dude! Berserk is a great example of sublimation. I'd bet the author has some degree of misanthropy when he created it. He got shit off his chest; his audience enjoyed it.