SuperSaiyanGod

Deleting all my games now. I just though this moment at 1:44am on a Tuesday is a perfect moment to change my life. It could be a moment on which I could look back and think "see, there's that exact moment starting which I never again played a game and became proud of my life and of how I spend my free time, and I've haven't had absolutely any regrets ever since". Everything except gaming is boring, but gaming gives me a feeling of qualm. I'm mostly thinking about where I could be in a month or two and how I could be looking at this moment. There are two options: I'll be in the exact same place in life as where I am now, or at a slightly worse place - and I'll regret every moment between now and then.I'll be proud that I did the best I could and my life will have gotten slightly better.This is my 1000th attempt and 1000th promise, so I'm not going to promise anything. I'll just write three things to keep an eye on for tomorrow: No gamingNo internet browsing, unless with intentMeditate for at least 10 minutes but don't overdo it.Tomorrow I will write a post using a "1-2-3 method" I learned about a couple of days ago.

calm.com

The one thing I've been doing right these past few days: Not sure if guided is the best, but I don't care for now. I just decided I'll start doing the first free program on this website. Seeing this streak makes me wanna continue it - I'm mostly motivated by the thought of how it would suck if I were to break it. I'm also meditating late at night, but again I don't care about that right now.

I was supposed to start my classes today again, and I was happy that I would have more obligations. But no, now I'm sick, I have to stay home and I might even lose an eye. Perfect. I'm gonna meditate though. And now I'll go fight my medicine.

I meditated after all, did something called forgiveness meditation. Seemed like a load of bullshit. I got up at noon and decided to go to the library immediately. The first thought I had after that is what should I game today.

It's not going very well. Actuall I was only clean on Wednesday, but only until about 9pm, and since then I haven't been. Today I was clean with porn but not clean with gaming. After Wednesday I just gave up. Yesterday I meditated with some guided 7 day program, but today I didn't. I also almost ran out of money because I was eating too much junk food. So now I'll have a good diet until the end of the month, because I have no other option. I would have done that today anyway, but in the evening I had cravings nevertheless.

This is my last post until at least next Tuesday. I want to get off the internet and the computer in general for the next week because it takes too much of my time and energy. I already know I passed all my exams except one, which I'll know about tomorrow - and that will be the last time I use the computer until the start of my next term. Every day I will write something on paper so that I remember how it went. I'm going to spend time meditating, reading and exercising. If I stay clean, it will be 9 days. Tomorrow I'm going to a doctor and my life is going to get so much better after that. Right now if you combine the stress from the exams and the frequent pain in the eye, I've been pretty miserable and just wanted to stay in bed all the time. Let's see how it goes.

@hycniejsy I usually nap for 4 hours. Unintentionally. And after that I'm unable to sleep for several hours. Also I don't think I ever get to deep sleep as I wake up a couple of times during that time. Here's a think I wrote just now. It's been about five days of gaming and porn before today. Reasons to leave my current life behind: I want to be free.I want to have control over my life.I want to be able to confront problems.I want to have willpower.I don't want to have a compulsion that keeps ruining any attempt to create a good habit.I don't want to feel this negative emotion I always have when I watch porn.I want to have energy, I don't want to waste this energy on porn of internet, or the computer in general.I fucking hate this compulsion.I don't want to be in the same fucking place in a year or in five years or in thirty years. If I don't change NOW, that's what it's going to be. The proof for that is that I'm in the same place as 8 years ago.I want to start moving forward with my life instead of thinking it will move forward on its own sometime soon. There have been so many times when I decided that it's going to move forward from now on and then a year later I can't think of a time that was any different from what is my circumstance currently.I don't want to waste my life on this shit. By the end of the year I want to be able to look at this moment and be unable to understand how in the world did my life look like that.I want to break out of this habit to start building my life and my personality, so that I can feel good in dating and other areas of social life, instead of feeling like a child unable to do anything other than watch porn and waste time on the computer and who cannot think of any interest or hobby he could have a conversation about.I want to be full of energy.I don't want to keep creating negative emotion in my life by reading crap on the internet, by compulsively trying to find another video game to play or by ruining my effort and reinforcing myself in the idea that I am bound to relapse.

Okay, I went to bed at 10pm and slept 95% of the time. Or possibly even more. Like 99%. Which is awesome. When I first woke up at 1am, I thought my brain took it as a nap and now I won't be able to fall asleep again, but I was wrong. And I had a great night. Then my first thought of the morning was to go back to bed, but I somehow resisted. Now it's 8:30 and I'm already done with my morning routine. Now I guess I should sit down for two hours and study. I'm gonna do that. 2pm - Studying is going pretty well. I lost some time on internet, but I also meditated for 30 minutes. It went pretty quick but I didn't wanna continue because I was sleepy. Right now it's been three days without gaming and porn, and I'm getting urges for random games at random times. Like sometimes I will read something totally unrelated to gaming and I'll get nostalgia because of it.

I finished studying at 5am and went to sleep for three hours, after which I couldn't fall asleep. I already know I passed yesterday's exam (B) and I'm sure I passed today's as well. Now I have the next one on Thursday and I feel like taking a break. Even though that exam is gonna be very difficult. I guess I'll go to sleep earlier today and start tomorrow. I wanna add at least one hour of readin a day to my routine. That way with my very slow reading pace I should be able to read 50 books a year. Even 20 would be awesome. And if I practice reading faster all that time, it should be a lot higher prediction in a couple of months. Now I feel sleepy, but I think I'll work out. I have to stay out of bed until 10pm after all.

It's 4am again. And I feel good because I spent the last 4 hours or so studying at least 50% of the time. I've got math stuff for tomorrow's exam and it's very engaging. It's gonna be around one more hour of studying, but I have plenty of energy for that, I don't need to go to sleep. I was quite freaked out about this next exam, but it only took a couple of hours to be almost ready for it. Now I'm starting to freak out about the Thursday one. Since math is something that is mentally engaging and pleasant for me, maybe I should add it to my daily routine once the exams are over. I know I need a cognitive challenge for the sake of not gaming, but also it's a thing I might use sometime in the near future - if I revised all the high school stuff and technical U stuff, which are both nothing speciail for me, I'd be able to give private lessons and make some money. This is the only kind of work I've ever had experience with. I've actually thought of this plana while ago. Sucks though that I now enjoy studying math when at college I study psychology - which in my opinion has a lot to do with math, but also requires studying a lot of non-math stuff. But that math I used to study before was way above my league. Or to be more precise, well above the league of SuperSaiyanGod who is gaming and doesn't have time to study. When I actually was actually effort to study daily, it was going quite well. Back to studying.

I'm so terrified of tomorrow. It's 3:30am and I spent the last two hours on reddit. I'm so stressed out by all this. I'm gonna fail 100%, I fucked it all up. I would need to study for at least 10 hours for this exam, and instead I barely did 2. I feel completely depressed and alone in it, there's nobody I could trust enough to talk about it.

The exam session starts tomorrow at 4pm and I already feel like I fucked it all up. Like there is no point in studying anymore because I'm going to fail anyway. Minutes I spent on studying today: 0.5. Right now it's 6:30pm and I feel depressed. I don't feel like going out of bed.

I feel terrible. I hate myself. I wanna go back to sleep.

How I spent this day: got out of bed 10am - very reasonable hour8+ hours on reddit and youtube1-2 hours visiting my brother, including traffic4 hours of sleeping during the day, it was supposed to be a 1-hour nap30-60 minutes studying for an exam that I'm starting to freak out about (it's on Monday)0 minutes studying for an exam that I'm freaking out about (it's on Tuesday)deleted all games - no gaming, no porn, no masturbation (day 1)ate good breakfast (at 1pm) though overate with it, ate only potato chips after that (excuse: no time for good food because I have to study)been watching youtube videos about meditation, perhaps should start again with a more hardcore program (1 hour twice a day) - if I actually make time for it. Outside of studying I have absolutely nothing to do in life, so those 2 hours shouldn't be a problemit's 4am, and I feel terriblefelt bad most of the day; actually all the timepostponed cleaning the room for later (excuse: have to study (didn't actually study)) - it's barely livable now.realising that my life is just about waiting; waiting for the evening so I can go to sleep, waiting for life to pass, waiting until college is over (it's gonna be 8 years total), no purpose whatsoeverwhat keeps me from making time for meditation and from actually studying: not wanting to engage in living life, being convinced that I've already failedThis day, I feel like, is a very solid 2/10.

At least I fucking woke up at a reasonable hour. But I'm not even motivated enough to describe how the rest of it all sucks.

I have enough of everything.

I woke up today convinced that I would stay clean. I felt powerful. I was wrong three times. And of all days, I should have been studying because I have a test tomorrow. It's 3am, I'll go to sleep for 7 hours and study then.

Yesterday I relapsed with porn after 4-5 days. I started at 6pm and it's been four hours until I was done. I wanted to stop and even did one time, but returned to it after a few minutes. When it was almost 10pm, I made up my mind about screwing it all and giving up - I downloaded the game I had cravings for and That was Saturday and now it's Monday 4am. I'm deleting the games. This is what I'm writing on a piece of paper as a reminder: I'm not able to finish the second paragraph in a way that honestly portraits porn as something I want to avoid. I'll be honest. The feeling of wasted time and of betraying myself that I had when I was watching porn were numbed by the excitement. I wanted the excitement more than anything. While with gaming I'm able to easily argument why I want to quit, I can't do that with porn. I feel like the deepest core of me doesn't want to quit. That every part of me hates the abstinence and wants to go back to porn. I feel like finishing that paragraph with "It made me feel so good" and then booting up some porn. I feel like I'm completely powerless against this addiction. And perhaps that's why I want to quit. I feel like I just stumbled onto something bigger than ever. I feel like I just discovered a small glimmer of freedom inside my heart.

Większość rzeczywiście uważa ją za nie wiadomo co. Mógłbym pójść na terapię uzależnień, ale nie zapłacę za nią a rodziców w życiu nie dam rady poprosić. Mam to samo. Ale to chyba zależy od nas?

Psychologiem. Tu nastawienie nie ma żadnego znaczenia, liczy się tylko to że masz jakiś problem. Nie wiem, jak on prowadzi tą terapię, ale jeśli to jest coś takiego jak się spodziewam, to nie spoczywają tu na Tobie żadne, jakiekolwiek oczekiwania. Najważniejsze, żeby nie maskować swoich uczuć, chociaż wiadomo, że nie będzie na początku zaufania między wami. A może nawet nigdy. Ale terapia się tak naprawdę nie zacznie, dopóki to zaufanie nie powstanie. Tak mi się przynajmniej wydaje. Ja też jestem za poznawczo-behawioralną, ona się opiera na rzeczwistych naukowych podstawach w przeciwieństwie do całej reszty.

A jak było na psychoterapii? Tylko pytam bo mnie to interesuje ze względu na zboczenie zawodowe. A jednocześnie sam trochę nad tym myślę, chociaż raczej się nie zdecyduję. Ale nie spodziewałem się, że komuś się może aż tak bardzo nie podobać.

It's 7:45am, I gotta write it all down while it's fresh! Sleeping habits - first success. Yesterday I went to sleep like in the past three days, at 10pm, and I was happy that I slept for almost six hours straight right from the start. I woke got up at 7:30 and even though my initial thought was to return to bed for at least another 1,5 hours, I resisted and decided to start the day. Previous two days, Brian thought those were naps and he woke up after 3-4 hours and refused to go to sleep again. This is interesting, because yesterday I didn't show a lot of discipline and went to sleep right after my 7:30am alarm, which was just around the time when I got sleepy again. However, I think I got 5 hours of sleep max and that's probably why this night has been going so well, even though throughout yesterday I wasn't sleepy at all. I did however habe low energy for almost everything. But I still however did quite a bit of pleasurable and productive reading in the tram. I'm using a method of a pointer that I follow with my eyes. The pointer goes about 3x faster than my eyes usually move around the text and I'm still able to understand things pretty well - sometimes I just have to go over a sentence one or two times more. It least for now it makes reading more satisfying, as I think I'm getting distracted much less than usual, and I can go through a lot more pages at a time, even though I don't get 100% comprehension (normally I read a single paragraph a couple of times because of distractions and also go over it again just to understand it better). 3 days clean. I already said a little about how low energy I felt yesterday. Yesterday was actually the third fay of being clean on every front - porn, masturbation, junk food, video games. Aside from the low energy, which was probably a residue of the attempted sleeping habit change, in the evening I also felt very sad and quite angry. But I decided to just let myself be sad and angry and not run away from it. And I think it went away. Just as I was about to start writing this entry, I checked my email and it turns out I got some response related to Beyond application. Awesome, I've been waiting for it and checking my email every couple of hours. Edit: this is an edit from later in the day. Urges and wasting time. There's a lot of things I forgot to write about. First of all, yesterday I started getting urges for both porn and gaming. With gaming, I keep having thoughts about one of the games I played last week. I've played it several times before, but I keep thinking about what I could be doing in the game right now, how I could progress my character, what I like and dislike about the mods I played, what mod I'd like to install and what mod I'd make if I knew how to do that. With porn, I'm getting tired of abstinence. I've been wasting a lot of time on reddit, just browsing random subreddits and a couple political ones. I guess I should unsubscribe from everything other than pornfree and stopgaming, because all that other crap triggers me somehow. Even if I don't see anything nsfw, it still feel triggered after a while. Overall, I have quite a lot of urges right now. Maybe I should quit any tv shows as well, because I'm getting triggered even by very minor sexual stuff like in The Simpsons. Today, while browsing reddit, I saw some nsfw links on the main page, but instead of looking away immediately, I started sort of walking around them. I went to preferences to turn off nsfw material, but instead I did something that enabled all thumbnails and then went to look at those links again. I didn't click any of them, but it sure triggered me. Then I went to preferences again and made it so that none of that stuff will appear again. God, this post sucks, this is just me rambling without a purpose. But at least I know what I'm talking about, so it's good enough.

I got up after 11pm, even though I was awake for an hour, and I feel like the entire day has already been wasted. Sitting on twitter and reddit for over two hours didn't help either. Now I'm going to some boring lectures a little earlier and hopefully I can get some reading done before and during. I'm two days clean with everything, but I have cravings for both gaming and porn.

I just realised what I wrote above is a form of life vision. In the recovery workshop I used to do, the second and most important part is creating a vision for your life. But I never got much excited about anything that I wrote. Now these things above are both simple and exciting for me, though hard to do. I did some workout twice today. I wnet to a class. I dod some light studying, but it was only 30-40 minutes of reading. I ate a new kind of food for dinner today, it was made entirely of vegetables. It tasted pretty nice and I like that you can just take it out of a bag and dump it onto a frying pan, so it takes ten minutes to prepare. I have no experience with normal cooking and I don't feel like learning so this type of thing suits me just fine. Overall the day was okay. It was very short and I'll definetly have trouble falling asleep, but I'll try to fix that starting tomorrow. It's already been two days clean, it went pretty fast. I'm a bit scared of when the cravings hit though. But over the last two weeks I hope I learned that relapse never feels as good as the addiction makes it seem just before you start, and the feeling of being clean and free feels much better than any of that compulsive crap, which you don't even do for the pleasure of it, but because you have to.