NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
SuperSaiyanGod
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Posts posted by SuperSaiyanGod
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No problem bro.
Suddenly it turns out I have no classes today. It would be only 1,5 hours, but that works as a kind of center point of my day, with the preparations and the commuting. I guess I'll spend the day reading.
It's interesting that the first thought that pops into my head at a situation like this is "I can game all day". But I'm at a point where I so much don't wanna do this, that it's not really a problem. It's more of a drive to do more meaningful things.
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Thanks Cam. I wish there was someone like you on the other forum.
The next survey is here, I'm gonna fill it out right away.
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I feel like I have gaming under control now. It's time for porn.
This is what's keeping me from living an awesome life. I have everything else, a vision, a plan, but porn keeps luring me for hours and keeping me down.
I've found a large forum for porn addicts, hopefully it's gonna be better than the nofap shit. Hopefully journaling there will help me kickstart the abstinence, just like it helped me with gaming to write here.
I'm still gonna be posting here every few days or so, but the other journal is gonna take more priority.
5 weeks.
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30 days.
Semester started. Finally got more things to do.
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I have exactly the same three addictions! Although I find porn to be the evilest, toughest, most annoying of all. I'm currently trying to quit all three at the same time. Though the only progress I can make is with games.
But you know, I don't think it's possible to deal with just one instead of all three at the same time. The causes for all addictions are the same: inability to deal with life's problems in a healthy way.
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One more thing. Yesterday I had this thought, sort of rediscovered it after a while, when I haven't had it.
Basicaly, the thought is this: It's the middle of the night. What can I do now? If there are any problems, can I do something about them in the middle of the night? If I'm feeling terrible, do I have to continue those bad thoughts in the middle of the night? How is that gonna help me? The only sensible thing to do in the middle of the night is: rest. Enjoy the night. Enjoy the darkness, the peace, the warm, soft bed. Time for problems will come later. Now is the time to relax and go to sleep.
I forgot that thought. It used to help me so much, but suddenly I just forgot it. It helped me get better sleep, it helped me clear the head and get rid of the stress. It helped me enjoy life. It's much like the gratitue exercise that Cam is advocating for. Althought I find that this one suits me a bit more. I'm glad I remembered it, it's gonna help me a lot, now that I feel a bit lost in my addiction/recovery thing.
I wonder how many people read this. Maybe I should start a video journal? That would maybe be a bit better for the creativity. And only a bit worse for the anonymity. Maybe I should tell my parents about my problems first, as the stupid social media might somehow show it to them.
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I don't know what I want. I can't decide what I want. What do I want my life to be? What foundation do I want to build it on?
I'm in a recovery program (this one), and first I have to decide what I want. I already have a vision (though I'm beginning to doubt it a bit, I'd like maybe some more creative output instead of just learning stuff), but now I have to decide which values I want to build my life upon. Like, primary areas from which I'm going to derive fulfillment. And I can't decide.
What is important? What brings meaning? Discipline, health, focusing on goals - these I understand. Good grades or just feeling smart - this one seems a bit unstable. But I like being better then others. I can't help it. Maybe the thing is, that this one is about immediate gratification. I'd also like to have friendships and love, but it's hard to build fulfillment on things I've never had in my life. I have no idea how to get them. Family - this one seems a little easier to enhance, it would just require some courage.
Basicaly, I'd like to create something. I'd like to do something interesting. I'd like to do something exciting, something that will make me feel good. I don't know.
23 days and counting. Constant anti-streak with porn, and a relapse with junk food.
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Not sure where to put this. Seems good enough.
So do you guys know any good board games that might appeal to video gamers? I love playing board games, especially the newer ones. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of opportunities...
One of the games I love is Talisman. It's a board game equivalent of a fantasy RPG, either pen-and-paper or video games. I don't like pen-and-paper, because it requires a good group, and I don't think those exist. But this game has everything: you are a character, you go around various regions, fight, complete quests, gro stronger, meet friendly characters, get followers, find items, meet characters who don't like you, explore places, cast spells, and so on. Everything is there, it takes about two hours and is played with real life people. Everybody participates, there's no need for a game master.
The minuses are that you actually need to learn the game to enjoy it. There are different regions, different quests to choose, and someone who knows them all is probably going to win. Still, after three games everyone knows pretty much everything. The other minus is that the game is about competition, instead of cooperation. If someone's character dies, that will be the end of fun for them, because their next character will be week again. People steal from each other, cast spell at each other and so on. And at the end only one person wins, and everybody else LOOSES.
I'd like a board game where you have to cooperate. Actually even better, where you have to plan and work really well together in order to win. Where either everybody wins or everybody looses, like in pen-and-paper, where the characters form a team. Does anybody know a game like that?
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I'm watching a video series on astronomy and I have nostalgia about a game where you colonize planets. Damn it! I have to get to work on something.
How I'm doing? A week-long anti-streak with porn, a shorter one with junk food. But aside from that - 19 days without games!
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Who would have thought. Just as I passed the last exam, today a thought appeared: "oh, that would certainly be a nice game to play". I started thinking which class I would choose. Also yesterday I got some cravings for potato chips, which I used to eat in very unhealthy amounts while gaming. I couldn't separate those two if I started one of them again.
However, meh. Too many relapses with porn these past three days, I'm not going to add those two to that. I have a goal to accomplish.
Yesterday I started going through a recovery program for sexual addiction. Some parts of it work for all addictions and life in general, while others are only about porn, sex and such. Anyway, this is gonna help me. I've already written down a vision for myself. Now it's time to access values or something, I'm not sure what that means yet.
My plan for the holidays, which are going to last for 12 days, is simple.
- Do one "lesson" of the program a day.
- Read the book "Nonverbal Communication in Human Interactions" (if you're interested in body language etc., this is the shit that you should read, and you can forget about every other book on the topic).
- Eat healthy and exercise daily - both of which I've already started. My new exercise program, which I've developed myself, is designed to help me lose weight, withouth loosing the progress I've accumulated. It takes 12 minutes a day. I need to lose 40 pounds, as the excess weight is keeping me from mastering advanced strength exercises.
- Date the girl I like. We've already been on two dates, but that was months ago and she hasn't had the time since. Now she only has one exam next week, so I just can't wait until she passes it and we can go out again. We seem to only have fun when we talk live, not when we write or chat or anything. What sucks though, is that the exam is after Valentines Day.
- Learn one song from the Hearthstone soundtrack. This won't create any nostalgia, but it will boost my guitar skills greatly.
Goooo! Super Saiyan!
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Whoah, you're so organised with your journal.
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I wish I could do Respawn. No, wait, I'm done with self-help - that's why I'm succeeding with my addictions. But I'll continue reading your journal from time to time, to see how it works for you.
I remember I got rid of my blizzard account, just like you got rid of your characters. What kept me from gaming then, was that I would have to buy the game again if I wanted to play. Have I only deleted the characters, I would make new ones in a few days.
Anyway, good luck.
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Yesterday I relapsed with porn three times, but not with games. It's now been 13 days without games and also that was 8 days of no porn, my high score.
Luckily, this time I have everything written in my journal. My motivations, my goals, my reasons, my thoughts and new discoveries. Everything from those eight days. Once I read that in the evening, I was back on track immediately.
Something is changing, at least temporarily. A month ago or two, it would now be a week-long streak of nothing but relapses.
But still, February in my calendar looks pretty green, with only this one red dot over there on yesterday. It's a calendar where I mark "green" when I've upheld a habit, and "red" when I haven't. I'd show it to you, but I have no way of taking a picture right now.
I just watched the video from San Diego. So many people from our forum? I wish I could be there, but, you know, there's an ocean in the way. @Cam Adair, when you're in Poland, we definetly have to meet
That's it for today. My day's just starting. Now I'll go and finish preparation for tomorrows exam. After that, twoo weeks of holiday! During which there will, hopefully, be a few memorable dates, woohoo
A small edit: By the, way, remember this? Yesterday I thought "starting now, every day of my life is going to be this" - as for the porn problem anyway. With gaming, I guess I still have to wait... a month or so.
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I just passed a really, really hard exam. C+, woohoo!
I'm convinced I would have failed miserably if I was still gaming. Only 9 days so far, but I have no intention of getting back to it.
It appears to me that this is more of a decision thing than willpower or anything else. I don't game, because it doesn't fit into the vision that I have. I've found my life purpose, which is to master psychology, which I'm studying, and there's just no place for gaming in there.
It's like you said Cam. Maybe I've just had this serious talk with myself about what I want my life to be - and now I'm getting to work.
I'm only starting though, so I don't wanna go too far into the future. It's focusing on the now, and simply getting to work, what's allowing me to start dealing with those addictions. I think I screwed up the grammar a bit just then.
By the way, thanks @Laney, @Paul A., @gankylosaurus, @Cam Adair and @hycniejsy for the support. I just have no time to reply to all of you personally every time.
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Damn it, I just lost everything I was writing! 10 paragraphs! Screw it, I'm not writing that again. Even though it was important and everything is good. Kinda great actually. Aargh!
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My brain is acting in a weird way. There used to be time when I could play games and watch sitcoms all day and it would provide me with surge after surge of pleasure, without asking anything in return. Now the only thing it likes is studying (though it gets bored with it a bit too quickly - and it doesn't want to read as fast as I'd like it to). Damn you, brain! Pushing me towards success, happiness, lots of sex and an overall incredible future!
I guess my only option is to go along with it, there's just no reason with this guy.
Oh, and it keeps producing all those insanely awesome ideas for a life purpose for me! How am I supposed to live like that?!
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I don't remember. Same thing as always: I wanna play a game to see the story and be the hero. Anyway, it's been four days with little problems. This month, I've had more studying days than gaming days, which has never happened before in history. Today I got an A at philosophy exam. I thought I was unprepared, but it turns out I actually understood the few things I've read about. Next I have physiology on Thursday and then introduction to psychology next Tuesday. The last one is gonna be a piece of cake, a simple test. The first one is more scary. But I actualy wanna prepare for it as well as possible, I wanna give it everything I've got. My mind is starting to hate doing unproductive things, it's giving me all those weird emotions when I do them. Now I actually feel better when studying than when procrastinating.
There are so many insanely interesting psychology books in my library that I wanna read. Once I pass physiology, I'm gonna jump right at 'em. Previously I've been reading Paulo Coelho, the first book was pretty cool, but the second one seemed just stupid and about nothing, just more of the same thing that was in The Alchemist. Since there aren't any more interesting fiction authors, I'm gonna start reading psychology more seriously. I'm also done with reading self-help, I already know most of that stuff. That's at least for a year, now I just need to get to work.
I'm also probably going on a date after the exams. The girl was buys for the last weeks because she was studying (I wasn't), but we're gonna have more free time after the semester is over. Well, I'd like to think of it as a date. I'm not sure what she thinks, maybe she's just sociable and always excited to go out somewhere. I want to give her some signal, but what to do?
Okay, that comes later, now I'm going back to studying.
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I just played again and deleted it again.
The therapy was a false hope, I only have three free consultations, it's payed beyond that.
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I'm going to a free therapy. I just remembered my mom got a medical insurance for the whole family, which I forgot about because I don't go to doctors with stuff like flu etc., so I went to the website and found out they have a psychiatrist in my city. I thought it would be great if I could go to therapy, but I was to afraid to tell my parents (I don't make any money myself). Now I can go and they don't even have to find out about it, as it won't cost them another penny. Hope this helps.
For now, back to work. I recently had a day where I had a lot of studying to do and I didn't even once think about porn or gaming.
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You were right Cam, I am more dedicated. The project we're doing is almost done, and the girls from my job are doing a good job, but still, I'd like to do it all myself. I just know noone's gonna do it with such commitment as I would. The prject isn'e even super important or anything, but I still don't wanna do a half-assed job. I wouldn't imagine myself doing that, it's just not me. Huh, it's nice having at least one productive trait.
I've been gaming for the last couple of days though. This sucks. I don't wanna be a guy who spends his life gaming and watching porn four times a day anymore. I'm gonna get rid of the games again.
I've started a musical project with my friend. He lives in another city, but we're gonna send each other stuff throught the internet, and working on an every-other-day model we're gonna be making songs. We always get insane stuff when we get together, let's see what happens if we do it like this.
Sorry for not responding to you guys, I'm gonna do it next time.
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Oh god, I feel like playing a game. It's a game I've never finished and I really want to see the end of the story. Oh, damn it, I'm not gonna do it. I remember what it was last time, when I wanted to play the final part of another saga. I played for 12 hours, and it actually wasn't so terrible, I then deleted it and moved on. But after a few days another urge struck, and then I was playing just for the sake of playing, a game whose story I've already seen. I bet the urge wouldn't appear in the same form if I hadn't played something before.
The thing is, I want to imagine I'm in another world. Like Middle-Earth, or Ferelden, or something... That's what I keep fantasizing about many times. A place that is simpler, and more interesting than this one.
Although I understand that the heroes who live in those worlds, are only doing those great things because they've mastered their emotions. If I had my emotions mastered, I wouldn't have trouble talking to anyone, trying adventures and doing things that are maybe uncomfortable, but worth it in the end.
Another thing is, that the heroes usually have some goal to strive towards. Even if it's just getting out of a prison, a selfish one. Me, I don't have any goals. I don't have any life purpose, I feel like my life doesn't have any meaning. That it doesn't go in any sensible direction, it just keeps moving randomly around.
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So, I've been relapsing hard with other things, but not with gaming. I mean, yesterday I played 2048 for a while in the evening, so I guess I'm still gonna count that as relapse. But not a hard one.
I've been thinking about some stuff. I'm getting a bit fed up with the things that I "have to" or "should" do everyday:
Meditate for ten minutes every day.
Stretch and train every day.
Write in journal every day.
Do self-esteem exercises every day.
Take a walk every day.
Do affirmations for twenty minutes every day.
Read a list of questions every evening.
It's not that I'm trying to do all of the above at once. But I've been doing some of them for at least four months and I still haven't established any of those as a habit. This makes me think that I can't actually change my life.
And how do I know this meditation is even gonna bring me any benefits? How long do I have to wait for them? I hate meditation, yet everywhere I read on personal development, it tells me that it's great for me and I should do it.
Journal is a bit better, it helps me deal with stuff. But I always leave it for later and then I have to write it when it's around midnight and I'd really like to go to sleep.
I'd rather focus on the things that you only do once. Simple. Prepare and conduct an experiment. Done. Write an essay on history of psychology. Done. Prepare a note for the philosophy exam. Done. I've never been good at getting things done, maybe that's where I should actually start.
Thanks, Laney. Only problem is I ain't got any friends. I'm in an association of psychology students; so sometimes we do stuff together, but other than that I have no idea how to fulfill those social needs.
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Hi. It's great to be here.
Yesterday I relapsed on the porn front, I guess I just gave up. Today I didn't relapse on any front, although it has been one of my worst days ever. I was on a meeting for sex addicts and suddenly I felt this terrible depression. I was sure I was going to relapse the minute I got home, but after all I didn't. Why? I guess I didn't want to... I wanted the day to make sense. Not sure how to describe it.
As for the day making sense. Today I got up, meditated, stretched and warmed-up for training, but then decided I don't have enough strength to train. I wasted some time and then trained anyway, with good results. Then I didn't know what to do. I wondered how to make the day meaningful, purposeful. Memorable. Normaly my goal, or purpose, for the day would be getting new levels or raising skills in a game. But today I didn't have that, so...
I have to make en experiment for non-verbal comunication class, with three other people. I gave some thought to it, tried some technical things, because one of my jobs is to change a recording in order to make it lower but still natural. I was wondering if that's even possible. Didn't do anything real for the project nevertheless. I played the guitar for an hour, which is nice, as I thought I wouldn't have enough material to keep playing for a whole hour and not get bored. Usually I can't do that for even 30 minutes. So that's a progress. And then there was the meeting but that's a different story.
I guess I just need an activity that is going to feel purposeful, something I can do for a long time, and something where I can see that I'm making progress, so I can feel good about it. Gaming also offers many rewards, but with other things? I guess I'll just have to rely on those a bit less.
I haven't heard of this woman before, but I've read about vulnerability at Mark Manson's blog. I have no problems with that when it comes to relationships, I'm not afraid of being hurt nor do I ever expect to be. I can see that fault in a lot of girls, but that doesn't really matter here. As for other things, I'm not sure how I would be less hard on myself. If you want to improve your life, you gotta suck it up and work hard for it.
However, as for working hard. I started doing strength training 8 months ago and there are pretty much no results for now. Okay, I got super strong legs and I can now do varieties of squats not many people could even do one rep of, but all the other things are still terrible. That's because I've been slacking off on the training and diet. I know if I really wanted to, I could become fit and not fat at all in six months. Maybe if I start now and really focus on a good diet I will be that in July.
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So, I've been invited here by Cam, when we were talking during the free coaching session. When was that? About a month ago. Anyway, hi. This is the guy from Poland.
I'm trying to have a serious talk with myself about what I wanna do in my life. I write everything in my journal. Here I'm gonna be writing only the gist of it.
It seems a huge obstacle for me is fear. I'm addicted to gaming and porn, and every time I try to kickstart my recovery, I get scared and go back to those very same things after just a few days. The problem is, I can't imagine my life without those things.
I'm supposed to never ever play games again and never ever look at hot chics and masturbate? I've been doing this for so long, it has become part of my identity. I'm gonna have to struggle for the rest of my life, denying myself the pleasures I've been endulging for years, that I've become completly reliant upon?
This is like climbing a mountain and after a few days of an easy walk I realise I'm standing in front of a huge, vertical wall, so tall that I can't see the end of it. I might try to climb it, but I have no idea if it's ever gonna go even a bit easier.
Anyway, if I want to live the kind of life I want to have, I just have to prepare for the fear and be reay to deal with it when it starts. And I have to realise this truth, that if I'm to get the life I want to have, I have to NEVER AGAIN LOOK AT PORN, NEVER AGAIN PLAY ANY GAME, NEVER AGAIN FANTASIZE about anything.
And also never again sleep until 1pm., or make a day free from training or from studying. Those aren't as scary, those I actually see as an opportunity. The ones above are the real deal.
For now I've gotten rid of my gaming accounts, both worth a fuckload of money. They're completly unrecoverable right now. That's all for now.
Super Saiyan Journal
in Daily Journals
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I just looked at my spreadsheet where I mark days green or red based on various activities and it appears this February has by far been the best month of my life. Except the time when I went to Texas. Anyway, more than half the cells are green, and all gaming ones are green. Wish I could show it here, but I have no way of taking a picture right now.