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info-gatherer

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Everything posted by info-gatherer

  1. Day 25 When you are lost, you go back to what you know. My first habit to build will be quitting tobacco, because it is very important for me and I know I will focus on it. It will give me a sense of progress. I didn’t like the idea of a smoking journal because 1 I didn’t think I could ever go back to real cigarettes 2 I didn’t quit completely, I vape. But in the last week I had multiple cravings, and the last was today, and for a very basic reason: I can’t get my vape to work properly. I always fail doing something, like regenerating the coil, wicking it, or something else, and I spend long periods of time without getting my nicotine fix, and in those moments I really wish I could smoke a cigarette. I went so far as to try and drop some e-liquid (just a couple drops) on my skin to absorb nicotine. And nicotine in contact with skin is fatal. A tea spoon of it (pure nicotine) can kill an adult by skin contact (it stops your lungs and you die suffocating). So, guess it’s important that I focus on this if I don’t want to die. I will not smoke a cigarette for 90 days. Then I’ll try quitting nicotine altogether. You may ask: info, you big dumbo, why don’t you just quit smoking now and throw your vape in the rubbish? But again, the reason is very simple. I’ll be honest and say that I’m enjoying vaping a lot. It’s not just the nicotine. I like learning about it, building the coils, fixing atomizers that don’t work, try the million of different flavours, spend tons of money to buy new gear... I just want to enjoy this thing for a while before trying to quit, it’s my reward for quitting tobacco. It will disappear in due time just like all my obsessions (the interest will disappear with time, not the addiction: I’ll quit when it happens). Also, I never mentioned that I was diagnosed with OCD a couple years ago. I never mentioned it because I don’t care much about therapists’ opinions about my own life, I don’t trust them too much. I mean, yes, you’re right, I suffer from a disorder, so what? I can’t pay you other 5k euros to try to fix the broken thing I am, so I guess I need to deal with it. I’d like to go to therapy again but it’s too much money and the guilt of asking that much money to my parents, even if they are rich (they did pay for it and would probably pay again) is too bad to deal with. Maybe one day I will have a job and pay for my therapy, but I doubt it. It’s just too expensive for what it gives me, and I will definitely be much poorer than my parents if my imaginary plan of becoming a professor in university fails (and I would be poorer then them anyway). MAYBE I CAN ENROLL TO THE UNIVERSITY THERAPY SERVICE. THAT’S FREE. YES I SHOULD. I need to do it. Goal: write to the university therapist. So Pierce, JustTom and the nice nordic guy with the name I can’t remember for how much I try, I should have listened to you and started a smoking journal after all. Because the first 90 days will be about not smoking :) I already wrote a lot so I will be brief and summarize what I did today: went to the post office and sent the documents for my erasmus in Paris. Fixed my bike. I didn’t bike for YEARS and it felt good having the wind on my face. After dinner I played paddle again with my family but it was not that funny, there was my cousin too, and 5 people for a 4-players game are one too much. We had to switch a player every 10 minutes. There was no real competition, and I don’t like games without competition. Tomorrow I’ll have lunch to my granny’s. Me, her and my sister. And tomorrow I will study because I can’t spend all my time as if my future was not on stake. Even if I have a good time instead of being closed in my room playing videogames. If anyone will have the courage to read this monstruosly long post, thank you Edit: sorry Dani, no memories for today :/ post is already too long
  2. Day 0 Right now I’m sitting in a chair next to a football ground. I was driving by and I had the idea of pulling off, pausing my life for a moment. I used to play here when I was a child, three times a week. Haven’t been inside since then. 3 weeks without smoking allow me to sense the smell of grass, and the smell brings back memories. There are children playing, same age of my past self... it’s weird, I don’t know why I’m here... Goal for the next 21 days will be a very basic one, but I haven’t decided yet. I thought about always getting my clothes ready every night for the next day, but it looks too easy, and making my bed after waking up in the morning, but it looks useless. Also thought about not looking at the phone before getting washed and dressed, but I already try to do that, although not systematically. Need to find something, something that can make a difference, even small. Edit: Running 10-30 minutes every morning? This sounds beautiful, but very problematic. I’d need to wake up very early (before 7.30, or it would be too hot), and uni city is terrible for running (ancient streets, many ups and downs...). I’ll probably save this one for august.
  3. So, welcome everyone! In this new journal I will continue my journey with the GQ community. If you don’t know me and you are interested in my detox journal, you can find it in my signature (doesn’t work on mobile). Some data about today, 30th of April 2018: -Today is day 99 of gaming abstinence; -Day 25 since I quit smoking cigarettes (I vape though); -Day 0 of everything else. This is the format I thought about for the new journal: -Checking in: I’ll make sure to write every day, even a small sentence, for the sake of continuity. Most times I’ll describe my day, what I did and what I thought. -Habit building: every 21 days I will pick up a small beneficial habit to develop. I’ll update the first post of this thread to reflect progress. Three weeks are a reasonable amount of time to develop small habits [Big improvements exception: for bigger ones I’ll make it 90 days]. -Goals: sidequests, if any -Memories: I’ll sometimes share one memory from my past. Recollecting in tranquillity as a way to understand who I am. I’ll elaborate on it more or less (or not at all) depending on how much time or energy I will have in the moment. My experience here taught me that journaling is a powerful tool for improving one’s life. That’s why I’m excited to start over and keep walking this path.
  4. Current habit: quit cigarettes, start vaping. / Start date: Thursday 5 April 2018 DONE Current habit: Daily running. Start date: Wednesday 1 August 2018. Expected end date: Friday 31 August 2018 DONE (mostly): I didn't go every single day but very often, and I got back in shape. Current habit 1: Dont look at the smartphone in the morning before I'm dressed & ready to go out. Current habit 2: Journal every day. Start date: 27/12/2018. Expected end date: 26/1/2019. (this post is constantly updated)
  5. Hey. Hope you're doing well. I read your last post and found the part about the personality test interesting. Being a fellow -NTP (I and E change every time I take the test, and I always get close to 50% of each) I know what you mean when you describe those traits of our personality. But at the same time, I fell like it's not right to use them as an escaping mechanism or a way of legitimating what we can't get right. As you said (in other words) labels designed for large groups are never fully applicable to individuals. We are not "the NTP person", we are just people, and we can fix what is not functional. We can adapt. And in the case you analyse the issue and don't find it theorically coherent, you can supply to that by acknowledging the intrinsec incoherence of theory (or a theory of incoherence, if you prefer).
  6. So, I am procrastinating my sleep because I wanted to start the new journal tonight but I tried writing the intro a couple times and it just doesn't feel right. Will try again tomorrow. I'm going to bed.
  7. Day that I start a new journal Yesterday night I stayed up until 2.30 AM because I HAD to finish that paperwork for Paris. Woke up at 8 and went to play Paddle with my dad and uncle. It’s the third time in the last few months so it’s becoming almost a tradition. Teams are always: me and Uncle P. vs Dad and Uncle S. After the total defeat of the last time, this time we destroyed them 6-3 6-3 (uncle S. played so poorly), so 1 point for us that makes the score 2-1 overall. I played fantastic and they congratulated me all the time and kept saying that tennis lessons served me well. In the afternoon I went to the seaside with my parents but there was also a friend of mine at the seaside so we spent a couple hours together. Then came back home, had a shower and spent three hours on GQ because I really needed to catch up. I just received back my documents signed for Paris, I just need to print them, sign them myself, attach a photograph and send them both by email and postal service, and I must do it tomorrow because it’s the last available day or I’ll lose the scholarship :) but I’ll do it! My uncles arrived at my home while I was writing, I’ll get dressed, have dinner with them and then save this journal in PDF and start a new one. Have a nice day
  8. When I read that your most valuable possession is a BIC pen I immediately thought how cool of Pierce to perform that emergency tracheotomy on the dirty floor of a storehouse, then I kept reading and realized that stuff happens only in blockbuster movies oh well... Anyway, good job on not giving up after you failed the test. Perseverance is important and it’ll get you everywhere you want to go (on the dirty floor of a storehow cringe am I.....)
  9. I feel you about that appearence concern. I think we should learn to accept ourselves, and that’s easy to say, but I’ve been constantly thinking about removing a tattoo I have on my arm in the last weeks. Can’t I just live with it? Is it so important? I won’t think less of you because you care about your appearence, nobody here will hopefully judge you. Looks are a social thing, a way to communicate with others, and it’s good to hear that we gaming freaks are learning how to communicate with other people in the way we prefer. Sorry for being so short and not elaborating more, really need to go now
  10. Soo... After a wait time of 8 hours, I entered the professor’s room, sit down, I was asked a question I had no idea how to answer, stand up, apologised and left. All in less than 1 minute. It was embarassing but at the same time I’m happy I tried, it helps building my confidence in a way. Next exam is in 2 weeks.
  11. Day ??? (Day before the exam) Spoke to my gf. She said that since when I finished my detox and stopped journaling I just went back to my old self, being negative, wasting my time, social anxiety, not being focused. She’s 100% right and how crazy I was when I stopped writing here. I mentioned this a hundred times but I just wanted to start a new journal and it takes some time to choose a format and plan it carefully (I can’t decide between a No Smoking journal and a Habit building journal), so instead of thinking about it I procrastinated. Anyway I’ll be back to GQ in full force as soon as possible... tomorrow? Tomorrow. Speaking about tomorrow... I’ve got this exam and I’m not even close to being prepared. I had something like a small panic attack with hyperventilation and unmotivated fear, nothing serious, and first time it happens. I just need to write my journal and everything will be fine. My gf says that I must go and take the exam, worst case scenario is I fail, nothing to be scared of. She’s right, again, so I’ll wake up at 8 and go there and see how it goes (oh good news, for some weird reason I’m waking up at 8-8.30 every day without even trying. I wake up spontaneously before the 9oclock alarm. Happy about it) This morning I went to a vape shop in uni city. I had once again the same problem with my vape but hopefully this time I solved it for good. The owner of the place (I’ve been there three or four times already and we chatted every time) offered me a job as a seller in the shop for ~ two months, july and half of august, so that she can teach me the job and then leave me in charge when she goes on holiday. I’m tempted to accept because I could learn a lot about dealing with people, earn money, learn about vapes and get stuff at a discounted price; and I really like the idea of helping people to quit an addiction (or switching it with a less dangerous one). But it’s 8 hours a day, and even if I could study when there are no clients, accepting the job would mean giving up a lot of study time. I’d like to accept, but I think I should not. Who knows... Been to tennis. I can’t imagine my thursday’s tennis lesson without journaling about it. So, I played decently. Service has improved immensely, but right hand got strangely worse and backhand is still the biggest issue. The problem child went missing, thanks god. Oh wait, I am the problem child :D
  12. This one got me lol Sardegna is a quite weird place, to be honest. Been there a couple times and it’s desolate landscapes over and over. Then, there’s the “vip” coast, Costa Smeralda (Porto Cervo is the main town). Never been there because I don’t own a yatch. As in the great majority of the south&islands in the past 20-30 years, tourism is the main source of money for the regions, that means that most of the infrastructures are built around it. Nature is very beautiful, a good place if you are up to some solitary exploration. Go get your sardinian bit of accent! Anyway, this is your journal, not a touristic guide, so I’ll stop spamming it xD Have a nice day
  13. My pre-teen self hates to admit it but you’re totally right :) he’s great. I’ve been to Paris a couple times in the past few years, but I’ve never been to Peru (or Canada, or anywhere past that long large atlantic ocean). guess I should start saving my loonies XD It’s 2.20 am and I finished studying 2 minutes ago. I’ll wake up at 9. I’ve got 2 more days for re-reading a biography and an anthology of XIII century italian poems, let’s gooo please someone call the asylum, they need to make room for one more guest jk I’m trying
  14. Well that’s not an easy question as it looks. I used to travel all over italy when I was a child, with my parents, but as a young adult I traveled mostly abroad. And, I never traveled that much in southern Italy (except islands: sicily and sardinia). I’ve been to Naples just once, for example. Public transport in south of Italy is just plain terrible, so the best choice would be to rent a car. Last year I’ve been to Salento (a sub-region of Apulia) and I really liked it. Check out Lecce and Gallipoli. It was the first time I could smell the sea again since when I started smoking. Also, the food is superb and cheap, and there’s a lot of art too if you like baroque architecture. The locals are simple folks and warmhearted, although too much interested in tourists’ money, and the great majority of them has low education. As a general rule, the more you venture into southern italy, the poorer the regions are (again, with the exception of islands, expecially sicily). Cultural differences are tangible: culturally speaking, I feel more at home in a european capital than in southern italy. Berlin is more similar to Tuscany (my region) than Tuscany is to the deep south. It’s a very different world, totally worth visiting, expecially if you have someone to show you around :) edit: p.s. I may visit naples in the summer, I’ll send you a PM if that happens
  15. So, I’ve been missing the community. I hope you’re all faring well. My plan was starting a new journal as I said but I was overwhelmed by things to do. This doesn’t mean I sacrificed time on GQ for more productivity. In fact, my producrivity went down. I think journaling was a major factor in my productivity and that’s why I am journaling now, and keep doing so from now on. In the meanwhile, not studying the whole weekend fucked up my study schedule and I will not make it in time for friday’s exam as prepared as I intended, but I’ll try anyway. My last post was dictated by withdrawal symptoms. What really happened is my dad started hugging me and saying he loves me and he knows I’m really fucked up and that’s why he’s happy when I go back home in the weekend. Me and my dad didn’t have any physical contact for years, except handshaking. And later in the day he even gave me 150€ without being asked to do so, so I can give mixing another try with better materials. This is definitely harder than leveling up alchemy in WoW, trust me xD But I won’t fail this time. Yesterday a fellow student told me that if I want to go to Paris I must send the required documents before the 30th of april. I was mostly ignoring the issue and focusing on my exams, but hey, I really need to do this even if it will take me ever more far away from my study time. I won a scholarship in another country and I really don’t want to lose it just for a couple unsigned documents. Now I am sitting at a cafe table, it’s time to get up from the chair and get stuff done
  16. I’d like to start over with a different kind of post but sadly something happened, nothing really serious but enough to make me go crazy. Yesterday my vape stopped working and I just spent the whole time trying to fix it since. Also, I mixed my liquids with a toxic base and had to send 100€ down the wc. I have no money, I’m broke, I tried to ask my parents for money and support but they declined and offended me, I just started crying in my father’s face and begging like a 2 years old because I don’t want to go back to real smoking. They aren’t helping me. I can’t even study thanks everyone for the nice comments, I’m sorry you get this shitty answer in return
  17. Day 90 So... end of the detox :’( sad face What will I do now??? I have no purpose!! Just kidding :) I’ll start again tomorrow with another journal (MODS please don’t delete/archive this one yet! I want to save it somewhere! P.S. is there a way to convert it to PDF?) So... I don’t have much time because I must be in a place in 30, but I’ll try to list here what I learned. Maybe I’ll expand more in the future (in a dedicated post). — I used to spend 10 hours a day playing videogames. My life was getting harder and harder. I wasn’t pursuing my interests or my career or social life. All I thought was videogames (litterally, I spent most of my time thinking about them even when I wasn’t playing). FOR 90 DAYS I DIDN’T 1 Play videogames 2 Watch videogame websites, videos, streams or material; with the following exceptions: (2a I went on the league of legends website once because I wanted to deactivate my account. In the end I didn’t. Maybe I’ll do it now. 2b I searched my gaming friends’ accounts on a website 2 or 3 times because I wanted to see if they were still playing) 3 BLOCK EVERY GAMING THOUGHT with pure force of will. Some thought of course slipped by, but overall I’d say I thought about videogames for a total of less than an hour during the detox period — What changed in my life: 1 I study twice as much as before, up to 10 hours a day. I regained interest in school and in pursuing my career. 2 My thoughts and dreams are clean. I am not obsessed by videogames all the time. I used to dream about videogames every night. Now I don’t. 3 My social life got BETTER and my ABILITY TO INTERACT with other people grew a lot. Also, my self-esteem got mostly fixed. 4 I do sports! I played tennis once a week for 90 days. 5 After 5 years of addiction, two weeks ago I quit smoking cigarettes and became a vaper. I plan on quitting smoking completely in the future. 6 I learned a lot and developed a whole philosophy about addictions in general and videogames in particular. I can’t write it here because it would have the lenght of a book. 7 I use internet way less often. Also, I don’t have wifi in my house. Only internet I use is the 3 GB of my monthly data plan + external wifis in public places. I download the movies I want to watch when I’m to my parents’. 8 MY DAMN SLEEP SCHEDULE got a MAJOR FIX. Far from perfect yet, but not the shit it used to be anymore. 9 My english improved I guess, after “90 Days of Journal” 10 I have a better relationship with my family, expecially my dad 11 My gf is happier because I am happier 12 Did I forget something? Probably, but I’ll have time to say it. I’m not leaving this community. — Is there more work to do? Of course! I’ll write about it in my next journal. About videogames... I still have cravings from time to time. My mind didn’t completely rewire as intended. But I’ll get there. — I want to thank every member of the community and expecially those who wrote in my journal and helped me overcome the many obstacles that I found on my way. Special thanks to @BigOlBeartic , @Pierce and @Dannigan, by far the most active users on this thread. I’ll keep reading your journals and hope you can get wherever you want in your life. Thanks to the Gamequitters team! To our host @Cam Adair for building the community and helping me and many other people have a better life through your example and passionate work. I wouldn’t be writing this if it wasn’t for you. And @Hitaru, a good mod (do you even mod?) and the best writer of this community in my humble opinion. Real feelings in his posts. And to everyone else, have a good journey. It may be hard at times, but it’s the toll we have to pay for succumbing to a dangerous drug. As all the journals testify, the rewards are always worth it. Stay strong. By the way, my name is Mattia. Have a nice day.
  18. @Arch you’re perfectly fine, I should say something. I think I have three options: 1 Privately talk with the teacher 2 Talk with my mates after the lesson, and see if they agree with me 3 Say it right in the middle of the lesson, when the problem happens I’ll try in order 2, 1 and 3. Also, thanks for saying “including us”, it made me think about my behavior and that I should be more humble when accusing other people. I also make mistakes when relating to other people at tennis (mainly because I struggle with social contact) and I should try to fix that before telling others how to behave. @Dannigan I agree that sharing isn’t necessarily a good thing. I had similar experiences to the one that you mentioned (except I was the other person, making the crazy calls and being miserable). I learned from it. Respect of the other people should always come before our desire to be close to someone. About your friend... I don’t know what’s your definition of intellectual, but that usually comes with an open mind. Sure, “intellectuals” are judgemental (that’s their job) but that doesn’t mean much, expecially if you tell her how you successfully managed to quit! I bet you’ll have no problems with your friend :)
  19. Imho this is not how it works. Usually, it’s when you notice tenfold that people around you start to notice. It’s an egocentric world, people mostly care about themselves, and THEN about others :) Don’t be paranoid :) Have a good time this weekend! I don’t know about the weather in Napoli, but in central Italy it’s getting better and better, it’s almost summer, so you could consider going to the seaside and have a swim in the sea!
  20. I used to do this mistake a lot three of four years ago. I thought thay every second of conversation HAD to be related to what I judged “important”, be it literature, cinema, philosophy, art, music, and so on... and that I was wasting my time and breath when I had lighter conversation or small talk. Now I see it very differently. I don’t want to tell you what you should or shouldn’t be looking for, you’re your own person, but I can tell you my experience: sometimes a conversation about the weather gives me more than one about postmodernism. Conversation doesn’t necessarily have to be profound, it can be relaxing too. Be careful, stupid and relaxing are two very different matters. I hate stupid conversation (shaming someone, just an example) but am very willing to have a relaxing conversation (“Do you prefer to sit in an armchair or on the sofa?”/“I really miss going to the seaside”/ “My examples are terrible”). Also, small talk is always painful, but many times it’s a required step when you’re meeting someone, it’s the only way to break the ice. Then of course you need to find people that are similar to you, but often, as someone mentioned (was it you?) just yesterday on this website, “looks can be deceiving” (which iirc is also a LoL quote, by the way xD) Just my 2 cents, needed to write this because my past self could really relate with what you said.
  21. Who’s this guy? He knows what he says! Lol sorry I hate myself but I had to Very WELL done with those exams, 100s everywhere. I admire you. I will do my best to follow your path myself. Also, but this is just my humble opinion and I don’t know the topic, you don’t need a 400$ bike for biking. A 20$ second-hand one will serve you well enough, then ofcourse you can invest more after a couple months if you’re sure you like it :) I love @Natasha‘s tips as well (paintball is the coolest thing) but I don’t have any of them in my city :( except skating but last time I tried to do tricks on that evil board I almost went to the hospital
  22. Can confirm. It’s just about the attitude. It really takes no effort to meet people, in fact everyone meets new people almost on a daily basis. It may be the guy that sits next to you at the library or the girl that works at your favourite cafè. They will say “hi” and how you answer will make all the difference. For example, I usually just answer “hi” and walk away. But when I stay there and talk just for a little bit... it’s very easy to get intimate, just be honest with yourself and with the other person. I know it’s hard when you’re not used to it, I struggle a lot too with social anxiety and other related stuff, but I see people around me doing it all the time and it’s just as easy as it looks. Of course, after you meet someone you must nourish that relationship if you want it to bloom :) I also want to tell you other things: - SEND THOSE EMAILS! I do that mistake all the time, there’s nothing to gain and a lot to lose. Just send them. I see that you already talked with people for info about the courses you’re interested in so maybe you don’t need to send the mails anymore, but if you still need to send them “just do it”. -I fully support your decision of getting rid of youtube and videos and anime and so on (it’s always a good idea to get rid of an ADDICTION), but just as a short tip (and it’s always the same old story) try to fill that time with things that interest you! That way it’ll be easier! I know you already do that and I think you’re very good at it, so please just take this paragraph as a friendly reminder -Edit and almost forgot: that last-minute presentation thing was amazing
  23. I’d like to know more about this and I hope you write this kind of thoughts in your journal so I can read them. I never had this problem, so I think I may help with advice (...now that I think about it, how can I help if I never had the problem?? Oh well...) Thanks for the interesting and honest discussion. I want to learn from it and put more effort in my life towards being a better human being when I’m with other people. Day 88 Did I mess up the counter? I’ll check after this post. Left the library early because I thought it was my turn to clean the house but it wasn’t. Instead of studying at home I browsed a vaping forum for 1 hour until it was time to leave. Went to tennis and played terribly, but that’s not the point. The point is that I was so angry because there is this new girl in our group that is a pain in the ass. Every time she makes a mistake she asks (DEMANDS) the teacher to do the exercise again, she “cries” and says that she is worthless blah blah blah while we wait for our turn. She takes double the play time that we take just because of her pettiness, stops in the fucking middle of the exercises and leaves the field, is never ready when it’s her turn to play and we must wait for her and she prevents any way of having a decent lesson by always speaking when she is not required to and blocking the flow of the lesson. My mates just laugh at her, they’re not angry, they say she is “a girl” and that’s why she can behave like that (like, hey girls have no brain, ahah). Me, who despite my level 0 in english am not illitterate, and believe in gender equality, am just mad at this egocentric idiot that wastes all my time. I go to tennis because I want to RELAX, PLAY, HAVE FUN, not because I want to watch her ever-playing idiotic movie. After every exercise I RUN I FUCKING RUN and go and pick up all the balls from the ground as fast as I can so we can start again faster and she wastes all my efforts, all my time, all my will to be there. Ok, dumbass, take a deep breath... another rant in the wall :/ sorry After the tennis lesson, the teacher (who doesn’t teach how to play tennis for a living, but is an architect and a screenplay writer as well, and recently found a sudden interest in politics, running for major in the city) got me in this everlasting conversation about how he NEARLY (man come on...) missed the chance to become major and now is rebuilding his strenght inside his party and he asked me to join the party. He said “it would be useful for me” to get involved in politics, presumably because of my weak personality. And he’s probably right, but I’d prefer cutting my right hand off instead of being in the same room with a bunch of short-sighted or even worse corrupted italian politicians (by the way, what you read in the newspapers about italian politics is mostly true) talking about stuff that for the most part doesn’t remotely interest me. That said, exams are coming, and winterfell is not prepared I’m commenting a couple other journals now and hope to give other people the positivity that I lack EDIT: I fucked up the counter, today is Day 89. Also, 2 weeks without cigarettes