[[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)]

Nope. It's been proven that two parent household is the ideal environment for raising children. Marriage as a social concept serves to reinforce the connection between the parents, which is beneficial for everyone if the goal is a successful family. Children of single parents, usually moms, do significantly worse in life. It's actually better for a child to be given into adoption at a very early age than being raised by a single parent. Link to a presentation with all the sources listed.

I'd like to see a study were all this separated data and your claim are linked into a single theory. I'm almost sure it is somewhere, but I haven't found it yet among all this (very interesting I admit) material you presented, so I won't say it doesn't exist. I also miss reports on single fatherhood, I get the impression all this data is being used to rebuke single moms but I'll concede than single fatherhood when a healthy, respectable (no drugs, criminal history and financially stable) mother is present is practically unheard of. Probably there simply are not enough samples. But it's a critical void in the understanding of this topic.

How can distinctly different types of parenting (two parents vs one) produce identical results? They can't. And since they're not identical, it's on us to determine what are the differences in quality between the two, and if those differences are significant, promote the better one.

Claiming that single parent families produce equal results would indirectly promote such families and would therefore be immoral.

Just because it's easier and more comfortable to claim that all people & their practices are equal, that doesn't mean it's somehow magically neither true nor good.

If we finally happen to discover the best model of child raising, we should never directly promote it, but we should not spread lies about all methods being equal either. We should, however, respect freedom of choice among the parent or parents. How can freedom of choice be evil? I'm not appealing to emotion, I'm positively asking.

We would need to define "results", what are we aiming for exactly? Most children raised by single parents don't end up as a danger to society. Even if it was a "worse" method (and that is still a bold statement), if it produced functional offspring, society shouldn't intervene (how could it intervene anyway?). That intervention would be exerting violence against their family core and their individual freedom. Society's only goal should be to preserve itself and ensure an equal opportunity setting for all its members.

How can we differentiate individual experiences and temperament from direct influence of the fact of being raised by a single parent? 

Also, not promoting something is not indirectly promoting something else. It's just not promoting the first thing. You are the first to say people as a whole know better (in the context of the market) so they should be able to know better in other aspects as well. The best ideas will naturally settle given enough time.

This is also why Christianity is good for society overall. The idea of single motherhood is looked down upon and backed by various simplistic justifications, but it essentially serves a good purpose and provides an incentive for women to select for quality men.

I must disagree in your views of Christianity. Women in francoist Spain were socially coerced to look for a husband as fast as possible. That led them into marry the first barely valid candidate in many cases. In other cases they were wooed by romantic schemes in a social context of complete ignorance of relationships between men and women, and absolute submission to them. They didn't have enough information and power of choice to choose freely. 

You, as an anarchist, value freedom. I respect that. Traditional family values are not free. It was a losing lottery for women. In the case of men they didn't look for the best available woman, they just were looking for a healthy vessel to make children (and a domestic servant), which was of course the vast majority of them. Anyone would do for both genders, for completely different reasons.

Anyone can do in a lifelong relationship? That's completely unacceptable.

In all honesty, if women are just a living home appliance that has to be provided and taken care of, then fuck women. Why would anyone want to be involved with them if that was the case? Simply to breed? How overrated. I believe women have by nature a mindset different to men, and that's what make them interesting. Therefore they should be equal partners to have the most opportunities to expand my vision of life. In a traditional family setting, they are just a bother after they fulfill their breeding role. I don't want a fucking maid or a human-sized pet. And I will be against any kind of argument that remotely implies to give them that status.

Traditional families have many advantages, I will never state the opposite. But all those traditional values were used in Spain to justify all kinds of atrocities. Want to be a christian? Want to have a traditional family in a cozy house of a suburb? Fine by me, suit yourself, really. But it should be a damn choice. I'm sick and tired of conservatives and priests getting their noses into other people's business. I'm not saying you are anything like that, you are quite a reasonable proponent. You just happen to share some of their views. I wish those bastards were like you.

(Well I'm quite proud of myself now, any other spaniard would have lost their shit at this point, either if it was a supporter or detractor of traditional values. It's a kinda touchy subject) 

[[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)]

 

Traditional values are what works best for most people. Most women can't deal with not having a family, and men benefit from it as well. Not to mention it's the ideal model for raising children. That doesn't mean that there can't be outliers and that they should necessarily be shamed for their life choices (even though you have some of that in every healthy society because people are people). I myself don't intend to reproduce and may have to defy a serious amount of social norms in future to hopefully reach some level of happiness (I hope not though); that doesn't mean I can't look at society objectively and understand what works best for normal people.

Organized religion is kind of like nationalism; it provides a simple and robust model that works well enough for a majority, but also allows a more sophisticated approach that won't make you a part of a mob. It's my very firm belief that most people need a predetermined moral framework since they're incapable of developing one on their own, and I think you can come to a same conclusion as well.

Obviously religious people are capable of gruesome, violent act, and there are ways in which religion can contribute to that. But you know my position on that; some religions are better than others when it comes to being nonviolent and organizing life in a meaningful & productive way. It's unreasonable to assume that all religions are equal since they developed under different conditions (different people, cultures, historic eras ...).

I'm probably somewhat biased since I grew up in a mostly atheist family -- my parents would read me some Bible stories and told me about the concept of God, but that was it -- so the entire deal was never forced down my throat. I can imagine how someone can develop a more negative emotional reaction to anything that has to do with religion in a different case. Even the concept of faith itself.

Most people value stability and the majority doesn't want to thrive, that's true. Most people just want their 9 to 5 work in the factory, their modest house, their wife and 2 kids and their spring break vacations. Simple life. Despised by those pretentious self-improvement/utilitarian gurus. Not everyone aims for CEO or Nobel Prize, and that's fine, deal with it pretentious gurus.

But saying traditional (and implying heterosexual) lifelong marriage is the best model to raise children is a completely unfounded claim. What has marriage, as a (mostly religious) ceremony, or (unfair) legal status, anything to do with the skills and mindset required to raise children? Love, respect and security are keys to a provide a safe environment to children. Which means you only need 1. A child. 2. At least one responsible and loving tutor (one parent, two, all close family, the whole village...). 3. A safe living space: home and neighbourhood (community). And 4. A steady and adequate source of income.

Monogamous marriage is an antinatural institution fueled by religion and romanticism. Family cores, in practice, serve perfectly the purpose of tying the people to the land, to tax and rule them more efficiently. Just loving people and taking responsibility of the little, talking and walking consequences of sticking your penis inside a vagina (or adopting someone else's) will surely destroy the West, duh.

most people need a predetermined moral framework since they're incapable of developing one on their own

Absolutely true. But, given they need a lie, a red book, a sugar coat or whatever, why not convince them that everything's fine and we're all brothers and love thy neighbor instead of "JESUS DIED FOR YOU NO TOUCHY TOUCHY BELOW WAIST SO GUILTY FOREVER". Then let smart people don't buy that bullshit and keep making progress as always.

 

OY GEVALT! Absolutely necessary reference, 6 million triggers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iom32fkRyGI

Dank memes. Funny facts.

 

Early christians were nothing but an angry mob after being recognised as the official roman religion, destroying classical knowledge everywhere they could find it. Not much different of ISIS now. They kept the custom of being bigots after that, it seems. In my case my parents believe, but the church wasn't exactly a common place for little me to be. I was never explained things from a religious perspective at home (but ironically at school). God was just there, and hopefully was a good guy. The idea settled in me as: "Hopefully, God is just there". The completely unacceptable behaviour of the priesthood in the past and now hasn't helped. I reiterate: make organized religion stop being a thing.

 

White people are responsible for the most relevant modern inventions. [whose members have achieved great things, and so you're standing on their shoulders and doing your best]

White people are also inventors of the rednecks. White people inventing things was product of borrowing asian inventions (a much developed, stable and civilized society at the time) and upgrading them to better kill each other; which is not something to be proud in my opinion. Not to be ashamed either, killing and conquering was just that popular back then. Being proud for coincidences such as race, gender or nationality is just a childish attempt to feed the ego. At least in the case of western white males. In other cases is revanchism. I don't feel related to my middle-aged dull neighbors, why should I feel related to the great figures of history? I can and should be thankful for their deeds. Being white is not an achievement.

Agreed on cishet male demonization. It'll stop once the economy and violence become bad enough though; once the state can no longer provide all the resources and safety, many women tend to suddenly meet a love of their lives and marry overnight. What a wonderful coincidence. This is true even today in less well off countries; if a man trashes his life, he ends up homeless. If a woman does the same, she gets married :^).

Maybe that's males fault for for installing women in a pedestal of angelic beauty standards and objectification, lacking any other useful purpose in a patriarchal society. We feel women are a trophy, an achievement of masculine worth. Just take a look:

[...] lack the skills necessary to attract women, network, and live the life you want to live [...] 

That's one opening sentences of the article "How to quit playing videogames FOREVER" (yes, in caps! ) I don't want to pick on Cam, he simply guessed (and guessed right) what kind of message would receive the most attention. You see? It's a bait. Women are a bait. Women make you worthy and happy. It's not a "gender rule", it's a learned behavior. A learned behavior from us men. Jokes on us! While trying to oppress them we've given them the power to fuck our lives over with a snap of their fingers and a pouty face.

The state is based on violence by definition. It forces you to pay it taxes and then provides services which are either adequate or they're not; sometimes, they may even be non existent. It also forces your children to participate in its school system; it feeds them propaganda that serves its own benefit; it forces young men to participate in  wars no one ever asked for. It can and often is led by people who value power over anything else; these people, incapable of feeling empathy, are called sociopaths. About 4% of the population is estimated to either lean towards sociopathy or be full blown sociopaths. Supporting a system which puts these exact people in power is not a great idea.

Agreed. That's however our fault, a punishment for giving in to laziness and resort to representativity. 

There is no benefit in reducing the entire humanity to identical, controllable mass of quasi-individuals. All human progress has been reached through freedom and through work of exceptional individuals; if we don't organize in a way that promotes freedom (as opposed to authoritarianism) and individuality (as opposed to collectivism), the quality of life of the entire planet will tank.

I don't say it's a desirable option, I just stated my conviction that it will happen eventually, and that it must happen even if it will certainly mean a step back in some areas. 

The popular meme is that capitalism in itself is somehow damaging and unfair. However, what we have right now is not pure capitalism; it's a system where companies get to affect the state in a number of ways in order to receive unfair advantages. Therefore, the free market doesn't work or is seriously skewed. If there were no state, all the existing companies would have no choice but to compete with each other on the free market, and while there would definitely be an initial rebalancing period (which could take years), free competition would be established in time.

There's nothing inherently wrong with capitalism. It's capitalists. The "free market" or the "invisible hand" are pretty lies. The "market" is made up by capitalists. The communist "people" is made up by proletariats. They are not abstract, unthinking machines: in both systems and anything in between they are a bunch of humans in need of leadership. Which will rest in most cases at the hands of sociopaths who will, according to human nature, attempt to keep themselves in power as long as possible. There's no evidence to assert powerful capitalists will respect the rules of the game for the sake of the romantic notion of free market. They will gang up and form an oligarchy. Why? It's good business. It's not the most efficient way but it's the most profitable. Why current corporations are major shareholders of their rivals? No government told them to do that. 

It's also curious how your view shares with your antipode the concept of a rebalancing period. In the case of communism, "the dictatorship of the proletariat". And it doesn't sound too diferent to me to your local Joe asking for "four more years".

Life of a common man will always be hard under any system. You can give a common man work, and he will complain about his boss. You can give him free resources, and he'll drink himself to depression.

And that's our fault. We didn't motivate private Pyle. 

Voluntary charity works. It had worked well before the state overtook its function.

With before you mean in the Middle Ages, when the Church was the only institution remotely tending to the poor and the needed? Sure, a perfect job they did.

If you had a decent job, you'd probably be happy to donate a part of your earnings to a charity of your choice, especially if you didn't have to pay taxes.

 Or probably I wouldn't. Specially living in a competitive society. I'd think (or be indoctrinated to think) they aren't trying enough. Unless you mean to avoid paying taxes. 

private charity agencies would have to compete on the market, so they'd be interested in helping their clients ASAP

Until they were powerful enough to be indispensable. Think in the business practices of videogame, pharmaceutical, or health insurance companies.

The whole point is: The market does not tend to chaos. The market tends to order, to simplification, to condensation. It will naturally do that without an opposing force to prevent it. A force equally strong to the market, equally strong to freedom and competition. Current states don't exert a force equal to the force of the market; therefore, the market expands, capital gets hoarded in the hands of few, inequality rises. Real equality would only come with a crushing application of repression and authority. Not a pleasant alternative. Perhaps unless authority comes by the hands of everyone and not by the ones of a few appointed in hopes they'll be behave against their nature and do the right thing.

 

Aaaaaaaand here goes all my morning.  Now I'm hungry, I'll go provide nutrition for myself while wondering if it would be better to hand over a bill or a ration coupon to the cashier. It autotranslated as feminine. That was sexist dood.

[[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)]

Traditional family values? P-please don't. I like muh (^^) bitches to, you know, think. No, seriously, we spaniards supposedly fended off the "judeo-masonic contubernio" for most of the XX century and we have the same birth rate problem as the rest of Europe. Brain drain isn't helping either. Also traditional family values are opposed to libertarianism; each part has a compulsory role.

There are some Christian sectors, both Catholic and Protestant, who want us to go all deusvulty again at the slightest provocation. Doesn't that nullify the point of certain religions instigating chaos and fear? Goodness let's just ban organized religion already. Or declare them cultural associations with no more power than the boy-scouts. They are equally sectarian in nature.

White Pride? Why should we whites (Some die-hard racists would argue I'm white since I can get tan) be proud of a complete coincidence? Why not directly fighting white demonization instead? White pride is just an excuse for being apologetical of racism and imperialist oppression (which originally started for reasons completely diferent from race, as people seem to constantly forget). While we are at it, let's also fight cis/heterosexual/able-bodied/male demonization. I'm not even all of those things but it has become ludicrous.

No welfare and state intervention means laissez-faire capitalism. A very romantic concept, until capital and means of production concentrate in the hands of a few. Exactly what has happened now. Suppressing the state now would give these corporate magnates absolute power with no need to pretend they abide by the law. You're just asking to make life harder to the common man. Which actually could work if welfare founding was redirected to formation and real, equal, constant opportunities for everyone instead of simple hard cash each month. Allowances kill initiative and reward inactivity, and reinforce the idea that the state is not a brotherhood of which you're part but a permisive parent. Why would the rich want equal opportunities for everyone? They can't be trusted to provide them. And charity is just an aberration.

Global government is inevitable, it's just the logical next stage of humanity. Globalization, trade and the future control of population will mix and unify races and cultures (which will be quite sad and boring imo). Then, the only difference between us will be class and religion. Hopefully religious influence will continue to steadily decrease, so only class will remain. And after we get over it we will reach true equality. We'll all probably kill each other at some point before that. Also at least one global police state/neo-absolutist society is to be expected. Being fair and aim for the greater good is not exactly a widespread human trait. Anarchism? I don't trust my neighbor to stop spitting on the floor, not to talk about upholding my rights.

[My Journal - Joe]

Always an inspiration Joe. It's awesome to see you active around here again, and that activity not being bad news. You're one of the most appreciated members of this family of ours, and with good reason. Cam usually refers to your journey in his work and it's being a pleasure and an honor to help extend that story throughout the world by any means possible. From a blockbuster writer you're just the average Joe (hehe, see the pun... okay sorry) but you're right, life is not a high-budget movie with explosions and random chinese sayings. In doing nothing extraordinary each day, you've become someone completely extraordinary. Bless you man.

[[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)]

And it'll be no gaming at all: no slips, no fucking Life is Strange, nothing.

You obviously took it at heart much more than I did, sigh.

It will please you to know there won't be more Life is Strange for this one. 

Take care, I still love you D:

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

Another lovely day without games! No, seriously, I'm starting to appreciate summer in all its increased UV glory. Yesterday I finished a drawing and gained one or two levels in skill. I'll draw a bit more today and I plan to go to the beach with some fragments of translation and get them done there. I haven't been translating since April but Cam of course hasn't stopped producing more and more material for my sorry ass to work on! If he's right and gamers are ultra-dedicated and ultra-focused folks who just need to redirect their energy I can't wait the day I consistently do loads and loads of stuff. 

On a less positive note I've been also neglecting compromises, specially those of social nature (since I try to avoid making commitments of other kinds knowing I probably won't meet them). Next week I promised to myself to go to a "Creative writing" course. I don't expect much apart from spending a lot of money, and I didn't exactly promise, just thought "It would be nice to go". So it's about time I get serious about it and mentally prepare to go.

After all, lacking formal schooling, stuff like this IS my formation now. I have to understand it, acknowledge it. If I pretend to be an actor/writer/artist, taking care of my wits and my body is not a hobby or a side activity anymore. It must become a way of life, a part of my everyday existence as a steady job would. Of course there are people out there who are all talk and call themselves "artists" without any accomplishment. For starters: I am not an artist. Yet. I must prove to myself I am not one of those people. I must be living proof that being a performer is a serious business, or everyone, incluiding myself, will believe that artsy streak of mine was nothing than a excuse to avoid real work. Heh, the "inner-game" must be just that, an interior tool. I never liked that expression to be honest. It's like implying you can only have fun while "playing". And personally, I only have fun with games when I stop looking at them as games, that is, when I focus on what I'm doing seriously. 

Enough rambling! Writing the journal can also be a form of procrastination. See ya!

 

EDIT: MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT

I got rid of Steam using /the tutorial/*

https://www.reddit.com/r/StopGaming/comments/2t384s/how_to_get_rid_of_your_steam_account_in_60_mins/

 

THAT was a milestone. Obviously no one in my circles supports this (my mother would if she knew and knew the implications, but my mother supporting anything was traditionally something to be worried about). You guys are the only ones who are really with me in this. To the rest of the world I'm being unreasonable, a fanatic. I don't want to think too much about it. Why so much defensiveness when empowering should be regarded as a positive thing? But the topic is videogames and everyone loses their mind. I'm just starting to swallow the red pill but I'm certain I'll never be any kind of fanatic. Specially not the one they believe I'm becoming. 

So much money and time threw to the bin in a click... and a dull, grey future ahead. But I'm curious as well. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow in hope, but just in a mild curiosity. Maybe it's my current dark mood or maybe it's just my temperament, unable to feel hyped like all those motivating posts in personal growth blogs tell you to be. I mean, maybe I express my passion about things in a subtler way than most, or something. Anyway, a success, damn it!

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

Quick update. Sleeping is working again. I don't know exactly when was the last time I played and I think I feel less pressured that way. In October/November I'll just randomly shout YAY and that will be.

>implying so many implyness bout me not playing again, sigh

That wise article dude taught me to do things despite initial discomfort. So it seems life is about doing things you're uncomfortable with at the moment hoping to feel awesome in hindsight. Then feeling mildly awesome cause you made it, but not fully awesome since you're now busy with the next goal. It's like catching a shadow. It must have its fun, all successful people did and are doing exactly that. AND the alternative is being an overweight gaditan redneck, which is it's unique kind of redneck. Thanks to the new bridge I can cut short safely if shit hits the fan. Old bridge was too low and some people got really fucked over.

 

As if I'd ever do that. I'm living this shit through the very end. 

I'm moderately healthy, got some friends and things to do. What else could I ask right now?

 

EDIT: Oh! Also, not play is not play. Anything. All those graphic adventures and shit can wait I guess. Maybe I can't wait, but that's another story altogether.

[[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)]

@Cam Adair @Marquess According to mainland Europe we are not part of Europe so here is still chill. According to racist theories we are tier 3, capable workers but not a big deal so we qualify as second world. We enjoy caliphate privileges and Catholic Kings did an efficient job creating an homogeneous society centuries ago. Come to Spain bros! It's halal! Not now though. Sun is dropping harder than salafism.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

I also realized its like the fifth time I say the same stuff but with something like a 10% of new information. It's a damn spiral. Well, at least is not a circle and I guess some people will thank not having to look at previous pages to know what's going on since I'm constantly repeating myself 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

@WorkInProgress 

So I was this busy thinking and believing I was the hottest ball of nihilist intellectualism or some shit this side of the Atlantic, then comes this guy with that face of con-artist of his and shoves me all over the place. Man, I'm exhilarated; he showed me.

Now, what if I was completely sure of my identity at the bottom of my heart but I was scared as fuck to threaten my imposed identity of "nice, normal guy" despite being cocksure confident of being able to reach my true self the very moment I try? And, alas, what if all that confidence and hope everyone put in my brain when I was a child has reinforced a crushing fear of failure that would threaten that identity of future prodigy ingrained in myself?

Because that's exactly how it is. I thought and was taught to believe fear of success was simply arrogance. I thought and was taught to believe I had to use my brain in some useful and stunning way or I would never be happy and fulfilled. I thought and was taught to believe I am a social misfit (Gee, I have one two clinical diagnoses stating literally that). I thought and was taught to believe I would always be a boring, grey-haired, dull-faced and misunderstood intellectual; even in my teens. And, contradictorily, I thought and was taught to believe having a linear, smooth existence would be the only way to meet approval and avoid conflict, and therefore achieve happiness.

Now I see the exact amount of bullshit I'm dealing with, and blessed damn THANK YOU for showing me that article. Yes! Even I don't know things! Feels great!

 

So who the hell I am? Well, actually I have several ideas in my mind:

- If I choose politics, I predict I'll have a short flashy career in the big leagues or be a regional celebrity until my old age. Depends if I choose to play by the rules (big leagues) or my love for political incorrectness and roasting people beats my pragmatism and desire for glory. Or hey, why not both?

- If I choose writing I guess I'll write some pretentious opus that will give sleeping pills' producing companies a hell of a time, and some short stories that will be the good stuff, and my legacy to the world. 

- If I choose acting, I guess I'll end up my days doing mostly theatre in several languages. Cinema is ok, but not my gig I guess. But who knows, I'll be giving it a try anyway. Some sort of Ian McKellen (may His Name be glorified) perhaps?

- I can choose comedy and do a bit of all the three previous options in a cheeky, lovely, impudent way. Best way of doing anything if you ask me. 

- And of course, I can become a buddhist monk and travel the world in a robe saying random, life-changing sayings to worried-looking people in the street. Rest assured that I will, at some point in my life.

 

"BUT WAIT", you'll be now saying. That's not who you are, that's who you'll be! (or believe you'll be, but with my intuition, there's nothing as believe!). Well... yep, you caught me there.

Now? Meh, now I'm just a measly, petty NEET. With larger-than-life aspirations. Disparaging myself makes me want to play. Bragging makes me want to hide in bed and cry. I guess I'll have to search for a third way while I unconsciously get things done and become something, whatever that would be.

 

 

[This post was NOT sarcastic. Unbelievable I know, but bear with me]

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

Its a hard pill to swallow - to think you may never go back to abother game again. Ive been watching all cs bhoo videos and missing my friends.

I told myself I can go back once Im earning a passive 5k a month and slept with 30 women. Lets blitz our goals then when we comfortable and content we can do what we want.

That must be tough. At least I'm safe from the social withdrawal since I played alone all the time, so I made no friends online, and that social aspect is one of the hardest to overcome (and what differentiates gaming from other addictions). You're a brave man, surely way braver than me. I commend your strenght! 

Hmm, on one hand sticking your penis into thirty vaginas and monthly appropiating some digits on a computer screen doesn't appeal  to me as a deserving measure of human worth. On the other hand they are a clear, definite goal to reach, and in achieving them you'll be developing some "quest-related" skills which are the real deal (e.g. it's not only about banging girls, it's about social skills; it's not only about paper bills, it's about having a fulfilling job)

 

Dude, you're a great writer. 

On another note, the thing is, it is always only up to us to do the work we need to do to live the life we want to live. Nobody else can do the work for us. All of us. It's always only our work to do. That doesn't mean we can't have support and such, but it will always be up to us to follow through.

Nah that ain't true. I might be kinda ok in my language (and I'm still an amateur at best) but in English I'm sloppy as hell. I keep making third-grader typos and I lack any kind of fluency or coherence. To be fair with myself, I haven't tried seriously (consistently study grammar and vocabulary or take writing lessons). The more I express myself in this language, the more I like it and consider the idea. Spanish is lustrous and melodic, and can be incisive and pragmatic too, but your language sure is something else. 

 

Specially for writing smut. For erotic poetry (or poetry in general), prose and most types of narrative, spanish works wonders. It's no boast our literature is top-notch, as well as english lit. But goodness our smut is just ludicrous. In fact we don't have anything like a "smut culture" both sides of the pond. Perhaps it's the weak point of our way of expressing ourselves. It doesn't sound natural in any way: you can only make a frisky humorously relatable "bar story" (albeit it can be a well-narrated one); bar referring to the setting in which you would most probably tell the story and not necesarily the setting in which takes place. Or you can end up with a forced attempt (or pitiable parody) at "post-modern grecoroman theatrical rethoric". Which can be literarily beautiful but all those metaphors and grand, improbable words kill the immersion process as much as the constant jokes and puns of the first type. There are no in-betweens. (One of my goals in life is, of course, making this statement false, and achieve recognition for it! I can always hone my English but this objective in particular is a personal challenge.)

Even our porn consist mostly in parodies and foolish jokes are made in the middle of the filming! As I like to summarize it: Best girls; Worst plot. Yes, yes; implying porn has something even closely remote to plot. The japanese at least try it! To bad they have the worst girls and a hopeless fetish for that creepy, rape-y moaning. And way worse guys. And that weird piano playing background everywhere. Or perhaps is just a cultural clash. Of course I'm eager to make all kinds of socio-cultural connections here but that would be stepping in the fields of conspiracy. My, my, look at me now, spewing nonsense about lewdness! Can you imagine this being a career? I just can't wait for this to be a thing and witness glorious debates of stiff-necked asexual scholars arguing about which historical period of porn was better. 

I'm literally itching in my liver to provide you with written examples to prove the extent of my point, but I kinda can't, I guess. It would make Jesus cry and children question their parents, and some people get all fired up with religious morals and freedom of information... That, and the best examples of the absurd adaptability of English language for smut that I know come from rather politically incorrect sources. But you don't have to be aware of that. Except that now I said it. 

(As you can see I'm being pretty talkative, not much to do today haha. Well, at least I'm giving you invaluable hispanic cultural lessons! You won't read this in textbooks )

A-NY-WAY, yes, you're totally right! It's only up to us but sometimes it's easier to get sidetracked or lost in a sea of third party opinions and advice. I'm an expert at that. Never again.

There really is a fad among actors to drop high-school, it seems! I guess that's motivating and inspiring and good news for me. Still it doesn't erase the fact of six crucial years lost and counting. And it doesn't apply to spanish actors. Here everyone has their degree. What they usually don't have is a job. 

As @play_time_is_over says or implies, it's best to have a specific objective rather than just saying "I want to be an artist", "I want to fix my life", and big, abstract, unspecific things like that. 

Of course I also get the impression I'm keep beating around the bush without taking real action, that I'm just fancy words and nothing else. That's discouraging as things are when they are your fault. But I must keep writing and I must keep giving a fuck about this, about my life. Tomorrow I'll be on track with sleep again, and coincidentally it will be Monday. I have the rest of the afternoon today to really think about my future; my future without videogames, even if my projection only spans for three very relatively measly months. Yup, something I should have done around eight months ago. I'm just exquisitely inefficient like that.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

I've been thinking a lot about how to properly answer you, @Marquess. You were extremely rude and aggressive (and not just with me, which is the worrisome part), and you did cause me a fair deal of negative peer pressure. On the other hand, you were absolutely honest and straightforward and weren't trying to offend in a destructive way. Most people would be rather pissed at you for several possible reasons, incluiding getting defensive. Personally I decided I won't. I was upset when I read your comments days ago, but I hesitated in my response and now I just can gather your message from a neutral perspective (instead of getting mad or boasting about how I'm sparing you from my telematic wrath, both laughable possibilities). I said destructive because I believe people like you (the group of known people I assume you belong, among many other groups classified in my head based on psychologically shallow behavioral patterns people in each group share) have a conscious or subconscious belief that being rude (of course you wouldn't call that) is an effective way of getting your message across. Some kind of "Drill Sergeant Mentality" or "slaping people back to sanity" in survival situations. It works with the right person in the right moment so I won't complain (and I could). But it's basically an appeal to emotion and I'm not very... responsive, to emotions. Regretfully. 

I'm sure I wrote in the past about how I prefer to let people's jaws get a taste of the wall they're about to smash rather than get into an argument with a blind man. Witnessed too many pointless teenage fights (and political debates which are essentially the same thing), and silly break-ups, I guess. No big deal @Marquess, really, just different approaches to things. With this I just wanted to... express myself? Or justify myself? Or justifying in a non-defensive way in some sort of attempt of "character developement"?

Anyway jokes on me since I had a relapse. A huge one. Actually I just wanted to write to inform you guys about it. I have nothing to complain or reflect or theorise about the situation. I'm just playing the old games. And sleeping like shit. And not eating. And barely showering. All my projects are halted and this July has been completely thrown out the window. Simply that; no attached bullshit.

If I have to make an estimation I'd say I'm back in a situation similar to 2013, before snapping and beggining my brief adventure in Dramatic Arts. Slightly wiser this time, and with a clearer idea (at least a rough guess) of where do I want to take my life. Even if I'm not doing shit to make it happen. 

Good news therefore is that at least I'm not in the situation of last year. I am depressed; saying otherwise for whatever reason would be ludicrous and dangerous. But I'm not the wreck I used to be. Or maybe I am, but everything seems a bit brighter. Which would make sense since it's summer. Pardon the pun. In my defense I'll say winter autumn usually makes things much more tolerable for me. 

Bad news is it that wreck will come back. It will come back the moment I take the slightest action towards the right path. It's an unresolved isue and it can't just be ignored. 

I have to take it down and choke it to death, even if it leaves me mentally scarred or some shit. As if, there are plenty of weirdos out there, I won't stand out so much. I have to tackle my mortality, my identity, my responsibility in my own life. It's ridiculous that I can't just relax and wait for the answer to dawn upon me while I'm doing seemingly random stuff in my life, and it's ridiculous that I still haven't got over the fact that "normal people" processes don't apply to me. So instead of getting out into the field and play until I get it how's it done I need at least a basic (I hope) set of my very own rules. I have to tell myself how I want to do things, convince myself, almost brain-wash myself into absolute conviction, then do them in my own personal way. 

 

It's exhausting just thinking about thinking about it. 

 

I really, REALLY don't want to be playing videogames until I reach another all-low point and forcefully shift my polarity in a fit of rage. Again. I'd like to be more... intentional about the whole process. It's more a reminder to myself, I don't think you can help me out of this extremely particular and individual thing. We have reached the event horizon where the issue can't be more condensed and it is I who has to make it work. It's my hour. Not latching to anyone feels refreshing and yet awfully terrifying. 

Believe me, I'm not the lone wolf type, at least when it comes to my problems. They are public domain and everyone, including you, knows it. If any of you happen to had the answer to magically solve everything I'd gladly step aside and let them do the dirty work. I'm more practical than proud, and I gotta a whole load of pride so... If I say it can't be done by anyone else, it can't. I'm not pleased with that. In the slightest. But it can't be helped. Now I'm going to log out, get some sleep and think about my next action. Perhaps I'll end up masturbating and playing again. Perhaps that will go on for several days, or weeks. For now, I just know that this is war, and I'm on my own. Despite the odds against me, I couldn't ask for a fairer start. I always wished to know what was wrong with me; well, now I know. What will I do, I wonder. 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

@LilChenChen Yes and no. Yes because game addiction is fundamentally different from other addictions. No because, well, it's "Game Quitters" at the end of the day!

Also, full quote was not necessary. You can quote users using @ or delete unrelated text leaving only the part you're actually quoting. Keep my "room" tidy please! 

I'll try my best. At least try, I don't know my best. But try anyway.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

I don't mind you playing LiS, but it is a video game, and you are on a forum that's built around video games with an intention to quit video games. I don't care if you find LiS less triggering, dangerous, or anything else you may prefer to call it; it is a video game. And you're playing it.

If it's really not so important to you, then leave it until you finish your 90 days. Claiming you're playing a less dangerous video game to distract yourself from more dangerous one is absurd and a first step to yet another full blown relapse.

Go ahead and play LiS, but don't expect these days to actually count towards the 90 days.

You ultimately have to ask yourself whether you're ready to quit playing for good.

I'd appreciate if someone would support me on this.

As for Rand, social services can be handled by charity and private agencies (insurance against poverty for example) in a more efficient way. I imagine a kind of a private-based welfare system would exist, and these private agencies would be highly motivated to get their clients employed. Meanwhile, my welfare officer doesn't exactly care whether I find a job or not since the money is coming from a huge, abstract, violent machine called the state that is collecting the money through force.

PS: Stop worrying about what's moral and go visit your friend. Do what's good for you.

Hitaru, just look at this :P

Still disagree with the definition. But it's just a technicism. If it distracts me, it's equally bad than a game. Games themselves are not the problem. Our attitude towards them is. Our attitude towards life. And I have the same attitude of games with so many things. I'm so tired of myself. Fun fact. I haven't played LiS since I said I did.

Oh, politics time! I was having a terrible day (week), sharing some thougths with you will cheer me up.

They would end being nothing else than loan-sharks. Private enterprises are never an honest, straightforward affair. Actually private business should be allowed to exist only to provide non-essential goods and services at prohibitive prices so people will relate attaining them as achievement; and only because experience has proven (with a little help of capitalist meddling and warmongering) that you can't just ban luxury and consumerism. They are a disgusting but necessary evil. People need something to motivate them to thrive. It's not Heaven, land or titles anymore, and humans tend to be blissfully oblivious to self-growth, therefore a big shiny rock in a finger or a fancy overrated means of transport will have to do. Paternalist Capitalism, if you ask me. Now, about the link...

 

•  James Badcock *giggles*

 

'scuse me. That story comes a long way back. Jerez is notoriously infamous for being a stronghold of corruption regardless of the party in power (unlike heavily one-sided corruption like conservatives fascists in Valencia or socialists in Andalusia). In this instance, socialists inherited and exploited the system of ousted (by widespread application of police handcuffs) opposition. This is probably unusual. Tradition dictates media on payroll races to dig up the rival's dirt. Despite renown of its wineries, the actual place lacks anything of note, so no one can quite explain the greek proportions of debt left behind. Again, no honest person can. Crooks think different.

 

Concerning Cádiz, it was ruled almost as a personal demesne for the last 20 years by a populist, right-winged, blonde-dyed, middle-aged woman, stories like that were aplenty. They seem to be an european trend: there are at least two in Spain (there was a third most people only learned about when she was assasinated, an event which was absolutely shocking and exceptional, my dear firearm-handling, social-clashing anglo-american friends), Thatcher in the UK, Merkel in Germany... All equally unpleasant to look at and equally avoidant in their accountability. The right hates women but spawning those Eldritch aberrations is just low. Honorable mention to Rand of course. That being said, Hillary gives me the creeps and is just clinging to the "novelty-wagon" inaugurated by Obama (among other well exploited cir-cum-stances, which has its own merit to be fair). There, I said it. 

 

Then, glorious revolution came thanks to "The Celebration of Democracy" (La fiesta de la democracia, a widespread ancient political slogan to praise the right to vote) and now we (my hometown, so proud...) are ruled by a populist, left-winged, loose-shirt-and-earrings-wearing, no-real-former-job-known middle-aged man. Isn't it grand, comrade? You would LOVE the town hall meetings, @Marchosias. They are public by law and it's the best recreation available of the ancient Roman Senate. Or the current Ukrainian Parliament, depending on the mood of the day. Lumpenproletariats storm the halls, profanity and mediocrity ensues, police intervenes and another day well spent. Allegedly, despite all concerns on their personal hygiene and the red scare (or purple in this case, again with the unfortunate implications), public debt has been steadily decreasing. Not so big an achievement, I mean, check us out on Google Maps or something, I'm pretty sure having the tallest bridge of Europe or a stadium with glass walls was kinda exaggerated. Money ended in unwanted pockets, that's for certain.

 

I knew I was going to spend the afternoon doing something completely secondary to my very pressing matters but I couldn't expect it would be this. At least my anger attack has receded (explanations later), so maybe I'll be able to get something done today. 

 

Hope you're all well, I'll write again very soon. ^^

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

I think we can reach a compromise. Let's say there is an objective. Anything that distracts me from that objective can be considered a game. 

The key term is "Temporary Escape". A VN or a graphic adventure can expand my knowledge and further SCIE my advances towards creating a work of my own. But if it's making me lose focus in my main objective then we can consider it a game. (Inconsequential activity)

 

 

Assuming that my life won't stop being a mess until I reach such objective.

 

That's a hell of an assumption, but it's a good first step. Now it's the perfect time to ask:

 

What is my main objective?

It can be anything, really. It gets confusing discerning. Let's imagine a pie chart with different items. Each item is contributing to make my life the living hell it currently is. Of course, there are bigger factors and smaller ones. So my objective should always be "Remove the biggest factor of the shitty-life chart". 

 

-------------------------

Update, 01/07: This post is salty.

June ended in a most disappointing way. I literally slept it away. Now people is free of their scholarly obligations and summer has really begun so I expect, no, I hope an increase of social interactions. I don't think it will happen. My circles have the tendency to completely ignore me in my periods of failure and idleness. I was so social and in demand when I was an actor in training. Now I'm just a piece of absolute nothing (you can be crap and still have "orbiters"). I have to call people tirelessly to hang out with them, and it usually ends up in something mediocre in which I feel everyone is completely disconnected with me. It's either listening how their lives are progressing or talking about why mine isn't. Well fuck that, sincerely. If I was The day I am in the same level as them, with a normal life and such, I'll naturally find their experiences constructive, fun and interesting, and I won't have to talk about mine. Currently it's just asking for a shitty time, and I can get plenty of those on my own.

That leads me to my latest tendency of avoiding all kinds of expensive interactions. I had planned a trip to Madrid to meet a friend, it was going to be something huge and I was quite nervous about it (implied in previous posts). Still, I prepared to take the challenge and the results were hopeful. At least until two days before departure, where I had an argument with another friend in which she, perhaps involuntarily, reminded me yet again of my complete lack of direction and purpose. 

Then it dawned to me that perhaps I was not morally allowed to leech a huge* sum of my mother's rightful money in a travel I wasn't sure [excuse] I wanted to undertake in order to feel good and avoid the grim reality that I am an almost 22 year old uneducated NEET. No fucking fun should be allowed, and every single euro should be spent in training, courses and recovery. So I began feeling like crap and cancelled everything. Everyone thinks I'm returning today. I'll tell them the truth and they will look at me like a clinical nutjob. Again. At least the cancellation was free.

The planned investment wasn't so huge actually, but most of my friends are very poor. The first world definition of poor: no holidays, no extracurricular activities, no variety in food and clothing, no possibility of repairing damaged home appliances or paying expensive medicines... and of course they are always, always reminding you, even when everyone were putting themselves into debt and living the spanish dream not so long ago, while my mother, with a career and a permanent job was begging for food to the neighbors (Thanks, father). Now you have a whole crowd of enraged, uneducated proletariats with plasma tvs and at least 4 little children, asking for "rights" and "justice". I'm not exactly a neoliberal but that is absolutely disgusting. Cross your fucking legs and get a fucking job. Or study. My mother was born in the countryside, her parents had nothing of value, she studied and earned her civil service. Now you treat her like she was some kind of privileged bourgeois. She was given nothing. Her life was not for free. What were you doing while she was studying while working, while pregnant, while depressed, huh!? Scum!

Still not a huge fan of Rand's thesis, @Marchosias. I still consider social security and state needed and beneficial. It's just the fucking spaniards. They ruined Spain. Also, most people distort her views to justify being assholes. Welcome to the Nietzsche club!

DISCLAIMER: A self-deprecating, radical, biased and destructive view of social conflicts is just a spaniard's staple; don't mind the harsh tone. I guess that's one reason behind why we've been so fond of firing bullets at each other when there was no absolutist king to push us around into firing bullets at everyone else.

I guess you understand now. I'm terrified to end up being swallowed by this... vermin, become an uncultured, overweight spanish redneck (no red since no job), living off grants, getting wasted and returning home each day to greet my spiteful wife whom I can't divorce and my delinquent children whom I can't throw from the top of a bridge. My friend is breaking her back studying trying to escape this fate (to be fair her family history is the consequence of unfortunate circumstances rather than sheer irresponsibility).

And me, what am I doing? Shitposting in a forum of future happy and successful people. That says a lot. 

--------------------------------------

Now the cheerful part, I guess

 

As usual, I think I didn't take the detox seriously enough. Even if I'm not playing my usual games I still have lots of distractions. Or simply sleep the day away, which is cheating. It's like I gave up meth but I'm still doing heroin. Or vice versa, I don't know which one is worse. 

A reconsideration is required.

- What I've learned: 

Yes, I've actually been observing myself and not just self-pitying! Crikey!

1. I have to wake up early (8:00) and go to bed late (0:00). Otherwise I fuck up my schedules. Flan's circadian rhythms can help me a lot with this.
2. Using the computer at morning even for 5 minutes is a perfect way of wasting ALL of the morning. And therefore the rest of the day.
3. I have to be constantly clean and groomed, or I'll use it as an excuse to not move.
4. I have to MOVE. A second inside is a second wasted. My town is very windy and it's hard to write, draw, read or do anything requiring paper, but I sure can find a safe spot. 
5. Sport and exercise are NOT optional.
6. Going out to buy food for me and the family can be a perfect excuse to spend the day outside doing the things I always do inside. But outside.
7. Youtube, the timelines of Facebook and Twitter and my couch are pure evil. I have to avoid them at all costs. 
8. I have to live my everyday life as if a nuclear war is about to begin. Always with a set of clothes and the basic items ready and at arms reach, to jump at the slightest opportunity.
9. Even if I don't like it, it's me who holds the responsibility of reaching out to my friends and manage my social life.
10. Habits, habits, habits. Drawing, translating and writing at the very least. 
11. A day without theatre or something related to it, is a day wasted.
12. There are 542 things in an average room which I can use to procrastinate, including the room itself.
--. Cheer up, dude.

Implementing those habits it's going to be hard. Very hard. But they will help me a lot. I'll even look like a normal person! Which is of course the first step towards being one.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

PS: LiS is a game. Visual novels, for our purposes, are not.

This is the key of our disagreement. The only difference between one and the other is movement. LiS is displayed in 3D while Visual Novels are displayed in 2D. Both are games or neither. Also, if they're not damaging, what's the point in avoiding them? I'm having much trouble staying clean from damaging stuff as it is...!

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

22. Shit you are young!

Still 21. Not for long. They don't last forever. Society failed and lied to me again.

Why the fuck do you still have a Steam account?

It's ok to fail, but can you even claim you're trying if you're still buying games off Steam?

Life is Strange is an adventure game. You can move the character, interact with environment, there are item puzzles and two action sequences.

I mean; it's an amazing game, and I personally don't find adventure games to be all that dangerous. But that's just me, and the main reason I say that is because, while I still find them interesting, I don't actually want to bother with playing them (and I don't). If you "couldn't help" but to buy LiS, I'd say that's a different situation.

Look, just watch this playthrough; it's the most entertaining one there is due to the commentary (dw, it's not a screaming, jittery teenager), and you'll get to experience it like an actual visual novel that way. (The game constantly reminds you that your decisions will have consequences, but the actual content you're presented with is mostly the same no matter what. For instance, preventing a suicide only gives you one short and inconsequential extra scene.)

Ideally we wouldn't even be discussing that, but here we are.

Consider (please) the following:

1. Why the fuck do you still have a Steam account?

Why not. Tons of free novels and starting developers I can learn about, in a simple platform where I can directly observe first-hand customer reaction and commentary, among many other things. 

2. If you "couldn't help" but to buy LiS, I'd say that's a different situation.

It was rhetorical. Of course I could "help it", but consciously decided against it.

3. Look, just watch this playthrough

Not the same, in my opinion. Like going to the Zoo. Hopefully I'll be designing my own adventure/visual novel/thing in the future, so I must experience it hands-on.

4. Ideally we wouldn't even be discussing that, but here we are.

Not sure what "that" is, but I like it here. Of all the places I've been, this is by far one of the less shitty. Being a hopeless wretch is a small fee for all the chills and these cool dudes and the prospect of contributing to gaming addiction research. And the prospect of not being a hopeless wretch... someday.

5. It's ok to fail, but can you even claim you're trying if you're still buying games off Steam?

But I said I didn't.

 

And for further clarification, here are the first 4 definitions of "game" in the spanish Dictionary of the Royal Academy (hence, Word of God):

 

1. m. Acción y efecto de jugar por entretenimiento.

(Action and effect of playing for entertainment)

2. m. Ejercicio recreativo o de competición sometido a reglas, y en el cual se gana o se pierde. 

(Recreational or competitive activity subject to rules in which one can either win or lose)

3. m. Práctica del juego de azar.

(The practice of game of chance)

4. m. Actividad intrascendente o que no ofrece ninguna dificultad. 

(Inconsequential activity, or posing no difficulty)

 

Was I entertained while playing? Yes (I can try to be bored). Was it the main purpose? Not for me at least. That's why I got Life is Strange instead the new Hearts of Iron, for example. 

(There's a saying here that goes: "Don't mention the rope in the Hangman's house". Just thinking about the months wasted if I ever have that game in my hands gives me goosebumps)

If you ask me, same as a book, different format. I didn't buy any games the other day. Screw playability, I don't give a **** about those puzzles I still haven't come across.

- Why don't you go for a book?

I can of course. Personally I've developed a weird case of PTSD concerning books, comics, and more recently movies and webcomics, but I always keep that (those) options in mind (then anxiety kicks in and I forget about it, but that hasn't anything to do with games or the detox since it comes from a long time ago). I wish I could read a book D: (not giving them up yet). 

 

So if it's interactive and entertaining it's a game and I'm playing and everything is the same as before. Well fuck historical novels then, I'm going directly to the scholarly essays, since it's not supposed to be entertaining and engaging. Being completely honest, playing or watching or interacting or whatever with that shit doesn't feel like a life-breaker. I'm a lot more worried about sleeping at day instead of night lately, that surely brings me closer to how were things before, and not learning about the misfortunes of Hipster Girl. And I could get SO HOOKED to films and books with just a wrong step or two, I could almost put them in the same box as games in terms of dangerousness.

[Share pictures/stories of your pets!]

Quite the cat lover bunch, aren't we?

This little guy is my cat Flan (spanish for pudding). It's my very first pet and he's just amazing. Smart, polite, well-behaved, brave, quiet, calm and always cheerful. His human buddy could learn a thing or two of him. It's easy to keep track of how much time he's been with us, since I'm simply not allowed to play in his watch! I get pissed sometimes because he REALLY loves to chew on wires and sit on the laptop. Maybe it's a subtle way of telling me I should use it a lot less (and surely play with him more). Clever ... 

Yes, @WorkInProgress, sorry for the quality  This pic was taken just two or three days after his arrival. He adapted his new home perfectly despite leaving behind 9 brothers and 2 mothers (they were a biiiiig cat family). 

He's being restless lately, I feel I've been neglecting him. Not anymore. Today I'm taking him to the vet, they need to check on him and put the first vaccines. And I'll make sure he feels loved. But seriously, so clingy sometimes...! I should have named him Limpet.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

I have no idea what that means! So yes I agree!

I'd say "Go google it you lazy ass!" but considering your schedule that would be a hell of an overstatement. Heck no, an outright lie. Man, I don't even know how you make to be everywhere at the same time!

It means: "Cam was a complete stranger in the Internet before his TED talk". Actually you were probably someone in the internet, way into the past. For some unhealthy reasons.

--------------------------

Steam sales came and I want to proudly state that while I was quite tempted to do so, I didn't spend a single coin in games. Wohoo! But I couldn't help to put my claws into Life is Strange. I was a huge fan of the Choose Your Own Adventure book series, and I'm also quite into Visual Novels, so it was a must. 

Life is References, dude! Well, it had to happen. I couldn't help but to feel like an uncultured piece of shit while watching "Tumblrs Favourite Tales of Hipsterism". I've even been writing all the references down in a notebook to (hopefully) enlighten myself later. It's serious business. 

Sure, the lass is a Mary Sue if I ever saw one and the blue haired chick is nothing less than a 90's TV show teenage version of Léa Seydoux in La Vie d'Adèle (or much more accurately, her comic original counterpart). But damn son. My giddy aunt. 

I've talked about this before, I'm sure. What is "knowledge"? What is "culture"? Do I really have to read Kerouac or watch some von Trier films to be good to go? Knowledge has now become some kind of statement. If you want to identify yourself with something, or some group, then you MUST know this or that. Knowledge shouldn't be obligatory; you're making it a chore. You're turning culture into schooling. Knowledge is the new religion. Like the notion of God was made by the Church into something you had to fear, I do fear the world of knowledge. Will I have enough? What do I have to do to know? What do I have to know to reach Nirvana? Is it with me? Do I have the favor of those who watch over it? Am I devoted enough? I thought we were way past that already. It makes me sick.

Being an "intellectual" detaches you from the real world, and I'm already detached from normal realities as it is. Also social issues were also on the table. I was expected to turn into a member of this caste of intellectuals so much that I ended up rebelling against it and threw my life into the trash can in the process. Maybe I just had to accept it. I've been stubbornly refusing to make any step towards any kind of self-improvement. I am ashamed of that. And sad. I threw away all my "years of discovery". You can't begin to imagine how sad it makes me feel. I could cry. But I never cry because of my issues. It's just boiling inside, I can feel it. It doesn't take a psychologist or a volcanologist to say that's a freaking bad sign.

So I have to know. I have to know. I have to. Even if I don't want or don't see the point. I have to be prepared. I have to always make a way. I don't want to be left behind. Will that make me happier? Will I feel fulfilled? I don't think so. A shit ton of movies, books and music would be a powerful distraction from games at the very least, that's for sure. I don't want to be closed-minded, avoiding gaming is not everything in my life I do not have anything to fill my life with right now. I just sleep the days away. I'm 7960 days old right now. I should get moving. I really want to...

...but I'm afraid. All this abstract notion of "knowledge" scares the shit out of me. But since I wanted to take the artistic path, I got to stick to it I guess. Muhammad Ali used to say he hated his training but he didn't make big deal of it because he was completely focused on his goal of being the champion he ultimately was. Guess my training gotta be syphoning geek and hipster mana into my brain like iron into the forge. I just hope something good and original comes out from this, instead of becoming an intellectual. 

This people above of my league I usually talk about are also the most cultured and witty humans I know. Starting to piece things together?

It all comes back the same shit. I want to be cultured not because it will make me happier but because it will make me more social. I want to be more social just because since I was a brat everyone gave me the cold shoulder and doctors said I was "clinically misfit". Well fuck you, doctors. Fuck. You. And no, anonymous girl I once fucked, having culture is not "ridiculously easy since everyone could just turn on the DVD and start watching shit". Just no, ok? Even if you are an Encyclopedia. You are. But no. My mother has watched way more "completely must watch" films than me but what credit does she have? She watches and plays Candy Crush at the same time, for Gods' sake! She believes in the afterlife, how the hell can she be so damn disrespectful with the people who made those films for her? It ticks me off like almost anything else.

And of course she understands nothing. Her life is a lie, she made it that way and she's proud of it. So, on the other hand, who am I to judge? It works for her.

My colleague @Marchosias fears he crossed a point of no return turning 30 (you can find his tribulations in his journal if you haven't already). In a similar way I fear I'm too old to do something crazy, to experiment, to learn, to make mistakes. It was massively easier 5 years ago. Where was I 5 years ago? 

It was intended to be a rethoric question but I actually have to do the math, I'm struggling very hard to remember:

2016 - No gaming year. 21-22 yo. Present time.

2015 - Leaving Theatre School + Existential crisis. 20-21 yo. A year ago.

2014 - Pointless projects + Theatre School. 19-20 yo. 2 years ago. (My God.)

2013 - 18-19 yo. Break-up with crazy gf. Went to Rome. Pointless projects. 3 years ago.

2012 - 17-18 yo.  Dropped HS. Tried Distance education. Twice. Crazy gf. 4 years ago.

2011 - 16-17 yo. High School. My first play. Repeated HS. Crazy gf. 5 years ago.

I had to think REAL HARD to fill the voids, phew. Those 2013 and 12 are really shaky. But yes, that's basically it. I've fucked up my teens for good. The other six years were spent playing games. The other 10 were a nightmare of bullying, an alcoholic father and people trying to "fix" me. Well seen like that is pretty depressing. I don't even remember my life being so shitty. I suppose I was wrong. 

So you're upset because you spent some years doing the wrong thing? Try spending them doing nothing at all.

Now I'm getting sick. Sleep deprivation is not helping. It probably was a big procrastination to avoid drawing but I don't want to think all my existentialism and depression is just a lame excuse for laziness. It would make me more pathetic than I already am for wasting my life. 

While at the same time, these cultured people were... well, learning. Please kill me already. This is positively unbearable. No, I'm kidding. I can always bear more misery and self-pity. I don't have a limit. I wish I had the same resilience to live and not just to be a living corpse.

Wow, it was all jokes not so long ago and it sure took a downer turn, sorry. I'll just end it here.

[[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)]

nvm

Renouncing our Lord and Savior? Ara, ara~~

Actually I don't know or I don't recall your stance on this topic and my light-hearted satire could've been offensive. Not my intention. Not in an unfriendly way I meeeaan...

Ah, today this guys were completely euphoric. Nothing like the joy of the innocent to brighten up your day...! 

But Europe collapsing or whatever is no real deal compared to the fact you reached 30 days mate. I'm not your parents or anything but I'm honestly proud of you sir.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

Hey amigo. ¿por que me llamas forastero?

It's a staple sentence, or a trope, of western films. The outsider (el forastero) arrives at town and everything is eerily quiet until the local sheriff/bad guy appears and says, "Not so fast...". Or he is already in the local tavern and suggests "We should just go get the bad guys" and the barman (always world-wise and prudent at best) says, "Hey, not so fast, things don't work like that around here...", and a thousand examples more  It's a completely outdated term in any other situation; to say "outsider" (especially to say non-national) we use "extranjero", to say "stranger" (someone you don't recognise) we use "extraño" and to say someone you don't know (or don't know yet) you say "desconocido". 

- Los nacionalistas suelen sospechar de los extranjeros.

- Nunca aceptes dulces de un extraño/desconocido.

- (Yo) Le quería pero ya no le reconozco, (Él) es como un extraño. 

- @Cam Adair era un completo desconocido en Internet hasta que habló en TED. (correct me if i'm wrong!)

------------

The beginning of today was awful. I had planned a fast trip to Seville to visit a friend and hoard summer clothes (and a few articles of clothing primarily designed to be flashy rather than comfortable, for incoming social reasons). After spending the night awake and losing my train 3 times (the last one by a literal minute) I said fuck it. It wasn't that great of an idea anyway. Instead of going home and do nothing, I was already outside so I spent the whole morning looking for clothes driven by frustration. Given my gender, globalization and my location, scavenging for clothes is a complete nightmare and overall a most unpleasant experience. That's why I usually drag someone along with me (anyone....! ) but today I was on my own and I fared pretty well. I even didn't return home empty-handed, and that's saying something...! I'm more the thrifty kind of shopper, but even so I'm always worried of overdoing it. Consumerism is a bitch.

(You might find it trivial but each little everyday thing I can do independently is a HUGE personal victory, like cooking, shopping, cleaning...)

 

Yesterday I didn't fill you in with the necessary details. What I was calling a social interaction was more like a work interaction. I've been failing at social interactions, including yesterday and today, but I don't have trouble with the theory. I can make friends, but lately I've been struggling to keep them. 

But this interaction was different. I joined a group of actors seeking to start making short films. Nothing much at first, but I like to see the big picture. Even if the product itself was crap (way too early to predict), there are more valuable things. Experience, training, connections. 95% percent of the actor's baggage until Scorsese calls to your door. Plus, it's fun and fulfilling. Meetings are a mix between training, script discussion and a long-term audition. They started thursday last week, and I didn't go. Then yesterday I was even dressed, but I also procrastinated getting ready until it was late and justified not going. I get a bit overzealous with anything I label as work (not that it happens often...) so yesterday I was simply out of myself. I'm sorry.

Good news is, I received a message where they were preparing the next meeting, and it happened to be today, 15 minutes after I read it. I was completely ready since I just arrived home, so I darted there without too much thinking or they expecting my appeareance. My first impressions have been good. I was terryfied since I know my friend who pushed me into this and the kind of folks he hangs out with. Way above my league. To my utter surprise, I'm one of the most veteran and solid actors there, and I wouldn't say my formation was... solid. Perhaps I should start doing it, and just call it "short"? Obviously they still are by average more sociable, charismatic and even beautiful than me, but hey, I got a name in the hood of being a guy who knows what is going on, and that's most chill.

This weekend I need to binge in drawing practice or my teacher will get really mad at me. As mother would say, "at least is not cutting stones". I wonder if she has experience cutting stones...?

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

I see you're doing better and better!

"No tan rápido, forastero." (reasons below)

Warning: Cluster F-Bomb Testing Field

I've done fucked up. I fucked up my social interactions. Again. This can't go on. I can endure a videogame relapse, since 80% or 90% percent of my relapses consist in playing for some hours then keep going with my daily life. But I cannot put up with this shit. I do not can. Everything's going fine them BAM, back to square-fucking-one. No sir, nay. It's unacceptable.

If I say I'm doing something, then I must DO IT, joder. If I decide not doing anything ever again, that's fine, so be it. But there's something way worse than not doing anything: step back, pussy out, whatever you want to call it. It's basically the same thing, being a liar and an unreliable coward. And it does have consequences.

Do I want to be a coward and the laughing stock of my peers? Do I want to be frowned upon, censored and despised? Do I want to be a big, disgusting ball of self-pity and excuses? Hell NO! Then why, how come I can't fucking abide and just act? It's easy, get up from bed, get a shower, get dressed and go. I don't even have to eat each time, I simply can, go! Damn it! Everyone else does! I said this the very first day: I want to be strong. Strong enough to cope with life or strong enough to end it. Whichever comes first. But strong, fuck's sake! Strong enough to live my life as a coward if it comes to that. Strong enough to see each day rise and each day go. Simply. That. Now, I'm not asking for much, do I? 

Just tell me, how much I'm going to need to lower the bar to see actual, practical progress? Yes, my attitude is improving and yes that's the first step and the foundation of everything else. But attitude can only be maintained through achievement; otherwise it's just delusion. What I'm gonna need to do? Start counting "Days I got up from bed"? "Days I showered"? "Days that didn't begin at 16:00, or ended at 20:00"? Jesus Christ. 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

8 days woot!

Ahem, 9! And counting 

Not very productive today. At least I drawed and checked on some things. Tomorrow I have interesting plans, related to my aspiring career. Progress!

[[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)]

actually nvm

You can never guess. Here's a haiku:

Summertime

all things Hanako

most wapanese 

30 days woo! 

[Hello Everyone!]

Wow, I had a gut feeling when I saw your username at the front page and I was right. Welcome!

Basically, I relate with most things you said with very little exceptions, the most notable the gender I'm assuming you have (except on sundays and odd numbered days). 

Yes, I want to be an artist like you, yes I procrastinate a lot (and I'm terrible at math) and yes, I also have 21 and know that feeling of not being "good enough" at something to start supporting yourself. We have all kinds of dropouts here, from high-school and university, but in all honesty your past or even current situation doesn't define you. People start reading a book, they don't like it and they drop it. They start a job, they don't like it and they quit. And it's fine. Why there is so much drama with courses and careers then?

Probably because expectations. Most people see studying as a mean to achieve or shape their lives into something bigger and more concrete than just being here, breathing and taking space and stuff. You don't fail at life if you "fail" to like a book, but if you drop a school then you're doomed to beg for food in the street. The key word here is: chill. You can always find a pointless and meaningless menial job, but that should be an emergency solution. There is an alternative: Do what you really want and you'll be good at it. Be good at it and you'll earn some money. Money is cool. Start again. Alan Watts at its finest.

Social anxiety seems to be a key factor in your current situation. For instance, you used games to escape the social situation with your friend, even if rationally you wanted to go. Your boyfriend is very sociable, and I'm guessing you love him being that way since you want to beat your shyness. And at the same time your best friend shares with you your introversion; so you both have a person who empathizes with you walking the same road and a person who is in a position to gently push you out of your comfort zone. Seems like a great plan to me! Also, if it serves you, I was also really shy when it came to online communication. It's just getting used. If you don't feel it "colder" than face-to-face conversations I think you'll come to like it. 

Yes, you'll very probably find yourself procrastinating a lot, with the most absurd things, unless you have incredible amounts of self-discipline. That shouldn't worry you, it's completely normal. ""Simply"" focus in what you want to do and organize your hobbies without straining your schedules too much. 

Oh, here, have a simple tutorial on proper attitude, drawn for your convenience:

 

[A cute drawing was here, but now it's no more. Booo :<]

 

Oh no, now I set a precedent and I'll need to draw in each introduction post  But I was about to practice when I saw this, so two birds in one shot I guess? 

Have a great day too!