Hitaru

Also otome is a guilty pleasure of mine. Increasingly less guilty.

That sounds dangerous... but hey, you know what to do, that's the very first step. You know how this goes, it's the NEET circle. You've seen this many times already. Eventually, you'll succeed, but the beginnings are bloody awful. It shall pass, pal.

@sjoti, @JSmith, thank you for your kind words and your support. Must be a captains thing If I ever reach a consensus within myself of which specific things they are, you'll be first to know. I usually tend to compare extremes. president of Europe or beach peddler in some exotic place? Worldwide influential speaker or laid-back low-key writer? Spain's next star in performing arts or contented family man? You get the idea. @hycniejsy, @Reno F, @JSmith thanks for the wishes! And @Cam Adair thanks for the main page mention, it was lovely and scandalously indiscreet Erm... Niezła próba. [If you don't find it arrogant, here's the (most technically correct) correction: ¡Feliz cumpleaños, José! - ¿Cómo estás? - Saludos, Farmacéutico Loco ()] (I think in your language you did the same as confusing "Pozdrowienia" with "Powitanie". Or maybe they do are the same thing and there was the confusion? ) So glad to hear from you btw! My Skype went to shit, I've been missing you a lot. I'd love to hear about your progress in length someday, you journal is cool (dat font size) but kinda leaves with the intrigue! Mam nadzieję że masz się dobrze. Is that correct? Un abrazo amigo. ----------------------------------------- Sleep back on track. Time to do shit. Of course, I'm terrified. Also I think I'm gonna look for a "breakfast partner", to have an excuse to leave home early in the morning. Things go much smoother that way. Or more correctly, they simply go.

First update: I've realized I've been cheating on my sleeping schedules thanks to my mother's laptop. I have no option but to block it too, while still allowing access to her. She won't like me tinkering with her things in any way, so I'll perfom a "fait accompli policy". I think I'll limit to block it during late night hours, and perhaps convince her to block it on the mornings too. I feel like a fucking moron. I simply can't be around any computer. What I'm gonna do, block whole buildings? Force everyone to adjust their lives to my own weaknesses? Fuck that, man. - Can't you just avoid it and go outside? + No. If there's a single thing at home that will allow me to procrastinate, I'll cling to it, no matter what. I have to bring myself to a state of desperate boredom. I'm absolutely determined on this; I'll burn my house to the fucking ground if it comes to that.

Very quick note: Time has stopped since my report. Good thing: I avoided a relapse. Bad thing: I did almost nothing else. Recovery is there, I'm at the very doorstep, I can feel it. I just have to jump headfirst. Not my forte. My social life is unsteady but healthy, and that's something to celebrate. I've been avoiding life in almost every aspect by sleeping a lot and staring at the ceiling, but I keep trying. I don't exactly want summer to end (who would think I'd say that ever) but the ball must start rolling. For the next two weeks I have nothing urgent to do, so I'll try to take one day at a time at the most basic level and begin to build momentum: - Goal 1: Wake up/Go to bed - Goal 2: 3 meals a day - Goal 3: One shower a day - Goal 4: One hour outside a day - Goal 5: Implement first daily activity That will be all for now. I may take the whole two weeks to achieve that. Ideally I should do it in one. Probably I won't even in two. Let's try and see.

YES. If you concede a first time you're laying the foundations to final defeat. A first snooze leads to the second, which leads to procrastination, then porn... I'm also struggling with that every morning. I'm glad you found a way to root out the problem and make an everyday stand for a great day ahead. Keep it up, and good luck in your journey!

I "came out of the closet" of my gaming addiction in a long letter to friends and family in my facebook. I talked about my journey so far, about this community and openly asked for support for this cause. I'm fully commited not to this specific project but the whole Game Quitters initiative. @Cam Adair, you saved my life, chief. I mean it. Don't give up. We got your back.

Be who you want to be but you don't dare to. Then keep that up and become that person 24/7 or bail out and return to your peaceful existence of self-imposed mediocrity. She doesn't have to know mwahaha

LOVE canadian/Internet Emotion Habits ... Good german as I am I use the word "love" only in relation to my wife and my familiy. And only to Special occasions... Special occasions such as being in Mallorca, heh. I know for a fact you germans get all lovey dovey and clingy there. We southern spaniards love everyone. Noisily. Obnoxiously. And put our supermarket carts in the middle of the alleys. The only canadian I met in person absolutely hated that, even more than people shouting from one sidewalk to the other. EDIT: Not me. I'm a robot. Hugging is awkward.

@gresa Maybe I went a bit overboard but hey better safe than sorry.

Update: I hijacked @sjoti's planning idea. I went and purchased a whiteboard and post-its. It was something I had already in mind back when I was planning the future with my game developer friend, I'm really glad and proud I actually did it by myself. The economic investment was less than expected, that's also a point. Thank you @sjoti, you rock! Things are about to change around here. This new schedule shall be the final weapon to turn me into the ultimate ubermensch. Or at least helping me getting shit done, that would be neat too! Today was a day to lay back and self-indulge in my most recent achievement. Shared a lunch with a friend, went to buy the stuff, doted on my cat, soon a shower and go out again. Simpler things of life. There are some unfinished poems that need my attention and that's the only thing ruining my mood right now. Of course I'm "a bit unfeeling" even if "great writer", teacher! It's kinda hard to write about something you don't really know about. That's the challenge though! Oh. And the drawings, too. ------------------------------------- Time to get serious. This is the second part of my report "Why do you play videogames, Hitaru?" To escape. That would be a good summary. Let's analyze the kind of games I play. Grand strategy and simulation; from leading empires to being a sad communist state employee. Management games where I have the last word in everything without having to deal with opposing views, inefficient "minions" (necessary subordinates or teammates) or rivals. God complex perhaps? Games where I had a mission, a purpose, a precise way to fulfill it and be rewarded and praised for it (by the game itself and my own standards), the chance to create something, something big and important, even if it was getting the spaceship to survive for another ftl jump. Weirdly, the social aspect of gaming was completely ignored in my case. It was a completely introspective activity. Perhaps I don't need human contact that much? In games I was free, I was important, I was dependable, "people" needed and put their hopes in me. Maybe I craved that kind of power and responsibility. And if things went badly, I could always restart. I was endless. "Why do you want to quit, then?" Why, because I'm fooling myself of course! I'm not eternal, woe is me. I still can be important if I desire it so much. It's not exactly the same than in a simulation, but what else can I do? I'd like to drop this "Nothing can be done" mindset, or at least stop looking at it under a negative light. After all, nothing can be done to stop nature, but why should that be a bad thing? Why should I be spared from the tides of time, what makes me so important? Nothing, that's it. Even if I can't be an equal among gods, I could still try to be a king among men. It's not like I have much else to do. It's ironic, I advocate for everyone to do whatever they like with their life but still I'm a freak control in the sense I can't cope with the thought of life going on without me. There's a raging conflict going on inside me, and if you're familiar with this journal, you already know: - Should I actively look for achievement and glory, even if in my heart I know it's pointless? - Should I abandon common standards to lead a humble life and risk dealing with the thought of "What would have happened" much later on? - Should I try to balance both stances, and if so, how? That's my journey. I don't like it. I didn't ask for it. I'm not excited about it. But it's mine. It chose me. I'll take the challenge, out of pure and unadulterated human arrogance. I'll take it and best it. Games are in the way, so, regretfully, they have to go. I sincerely hope to stop being a reluctant hero stereotype along the long way. I hope to learn to love life for what it is and not for what I expect. To enjoy the company and the simpler pleasures. To greet death with a sated smile. For that, games are also in the way. So they have to go! ------------------------------------- That ends the first part of my Respawn. How am I feeling? Why, I'm always feeling kinda awful, you already know, but that's unimportant. If I really have to write them down; anxious, depressed, terrified, an uncertain dread, an imminent catastrophe. Meh, the usual. As I said, nothing important! Also curious. I want to see this through the end despite everything. Human nature too I guess. The third part, a schedule! I already took care of that, as I said at the beginning, and I'm ready to take action starting tomorrow. Remember when I said I'd spend my summer half-assedly? I was right, but I don't feel bad about it. It was a time of great reflection and direction, and I expect great things of the next month. Weather is clear and the mood is bright, time to go forward.

Day 29. Starting today I'm sailing uncharted waters, each hour from now on will be a new personal record. That's the good, hell, great, part. The not so good part is I've struck a stonewall. Given that I'm about to reach the first month, which is also the third part of the detox (that sounds big), I want, I decide to address this problem right away, set a frontier and start the second month with an improved mindset and new objectives. This is Captain Taru's monthly report! Overview: Up to now, I've been surviving. I've been resisting the urge to play, the urge to collapse, the urge to spend the whole night awake and the whole day in bed. This by itself is a huge improvement over my previous situation. I can only remember how I was about a year ago and beyond, and I'd need a special kind of self-loathe, or a special kind of stupid to be unable to tell the difference. So this month has been a victory. Kawaii communism courtesy of this guy I don't know: http://blackboltlonewolf.deviantart.com/art/Soviet-chan-s-Medal-of-Great-Performance-453803174 However, I feel I've reached the ceiling. Up to now I've been depending merely on my scarce willpower. I "only" spend the mornings in bed. I still fap. I still eat poorly, but at least I don't skip meals so much. Here's a breakdown of my goals and my progress on them: ------------------------------------------------------------------- Routine: Average wake up hour (busy day): 9:00 Average wake up hour (unscheduled day): 14:00 Average bed hour: 2:00 Average socialization: 3 times/week Average TV: 4 hours Average WhatsApp: 3 hours Average Procrastination: 6-8 hours Daily exercise: none Daily meditation: none Daily practice (acting): none Daily practice (drawing): none Daily practice (writing): none Daily practice (music): none Goals: - Driving license: pending - Languages: pending - Drawing class assistance: 100% - Acting group assistance: 3% Stats: - Health: 70% / Previous estimate 40% - Appearance: 65% / Previous estimate 30% - Charisma: 50% / Previous estimate 25% - Confidence: 75% / Previous estimate 20% ------------------------------------------------------------------- Being able to sleep the whole night (or at least consistently try), being sorta confident, happy and gregarious is a very good foundation. I'm proud of that. But it's not enough. Many goals being overdue. Good news is September is about to start, classes will begin, general business will ensue. But I should really not depend on circumstantial occupation. I'll bury my nose in Challenge looking for answers. There are some things I have to sort out. For example, that acting group I don't actually want to get involved with. But I also discovered I made some beginner mistakes I can't ignore. I don't really know why I want to quit. I know I want to quit. There are things I'd love to try, and games are in the way. But the feeling of a new chapter in my life is not really there. It feels more like an state of emergency being prolongued sine die. I'm going to sort this issue right now and update in some hours. ------------------------------------------

icantbelievesomeoneinventedit.jpg I use premium version of Cold Turkey, it comes with a schedule option.

Normally I'd say "Aw, you don't mean that!" but you know, screw modesty, I'd love to write for you anytime. I had already planned to start studying English seriously for my B degree, or ideally a C*, so I could do some stuff and have you around in case I mess up. Great practice. Actually, I also need help with the speaking, is by far my Achilles' heel. Understanding americans to speak like british (and then celebrating like aussies), that's true English skill! Do we have a thread of language exchanges? Like, chat meetups where we can talk but not necessarily see each other (people concerned with their privacy and the like). *I'm talking about the Common European Framework of Reference for Languages (CEFR), and the certificates issued by Cambridge. Yes I was thinking about irritable colon at worst. If it's something like that I guess I'll need to keep my nutrition in tight check. That would be both a good and bad thing.

That looks awesome. You took two of the most useful items ever created and combined them in one glorious time managing machine. Awesome!

Boy, didn't I seize the day yesterday. In the morning I had an incident when I mistakenly thought an old lady couldn't afford her shopping and tried to perform charity. Serves me well for going to low quality supermarkets for the thrill of feeling a college student again and the romantic, bohemian conception of being around the unfortunate. I'm a sheltered asshole at heart and karma made justice at my bourgeois side. I'm trying to bring humor to the situation but I really felt like an asshole. I'll learn a lot from that. At the evening I was supposed to go to drawing class but teacher moved it to today. There was a film casting for extras in a nearby town and I took it as the work of providence. A very long story full of andalusian context (and subtext) and comedy ensued. In a nutshell, I made it to the place, against all odds and the help of an enthusiastic, tipically southern old lady, I was able to sneak inside the building, meet the person in charge and give him my contact info. The situation was so absurd and over the top I wouldn't be surprised if he got rid of me the moment we parted ways, but at least I returned home with the feeling of a job done. Now I have a characteristic nausea because of social hangover (I kinda made an impromptu show, to say something, in front of dozens of people, absurd I tell you) that was crippling last night, but is slowly receding. It will take days until it goes away. I should rename this journal as "Mad Actor's Adventures" or something, but I don't want to step in the turf of my polish amigo. Overall, I've never been so ashamed in my entire life. But hey! I didn't spend the day in the couch, and that's ALWAYS a victory. The only thing that annoys me, aside from the possibility of forging an ill reputation among casting makers, is that this sudden burst of... whatever the hell was yesterday, goes completely against my policy of consistent, slow changes and routines to make a better me ingrained in my "daily" brain and heart. This kind of adventures, like the one I lived years ago that saw me inside the theatre school, are all fun and good, but I don't want to aim for the stars and crash spectacularly again. Specially NOT when such spectacular moves are sparked by almost clinically crazy whims. Unrelated, but still worth mentioning, I purchased a mechanical pencil and testing it was a so pleasant experience, my interest in drawing has doubled. I sincerely hope that interest doesn't die at the end of this sentence. Still there I believe. My stomach has been really delicate since last month. Almost anything I put inside my body gets eventually expelled in an expected but painful manner. I feel burning inside most of the day. Perhaps I should see a doctor but I'll try taking things easy first. Dealing with my background anxiety and fear of time and death without turning into a screaming, sobbing mess (or relapsing) takes most of my willpower, but I'm taking for granted it will decrease. If it doesn't I'll be in BIG trouble, specially when I get older, but now is certainly not the time to be thinking about that. There was some pesky gaming addiction that needed my attention, if I remember correctly...

I was uploading the vids to Amara but I wasn't sure of how did it work.

Well if we look at the most optimistic estimate, today is a month without games. However don't hype yet little me, from now on I'm going to use the date of my Steam expurgation as Day 0. It's a relevant one, full of meaning. Remember the day, 28 of July. So, less than a week for the month! My emotions oscillate between "Yay!" and "Fucking finally". Almost a year here, no less. 9 months of failure for 3 months of success. That makes a 3 to 1 proportion. Yep, sounds totally like me. Time is flying and this is no joke. This week, what the hell I've been doing? Procrastinating in the couch a lot, that's what I've been doing. I can't wait for September to arrive and start filling my time with endless courses, but that doesn't mean I can just ignore the still going summer. It's the thousanth time I say this but I need a consistent schedule! There's no swearing to express the frustration at myself for being unable to cope with this theoretically simple, yet hard to implement step. A step at a time, yeah, but come on, it feels I'm stepping on Venus here. Well, at least I can give me some praise in having reduced my whatsapp consumption. It's also true that this was mainly because having lost my best friend recently, and other friends being busy, away or depressed. Petty details. I've procrastinated away another hour, so I'll cut short here, do some stuff and return later. Ideally.

Marquess, ol' slav chap, the man, the senpai, master of all things happenings, bae of Rand, game detoxed. Damn son, it's been a ride!

Welcome to your 90th day without games

That's-f*cking-it. Show'em the light and they'll think you shine! I just don't want to appear like I'm appropriating the whole translation thing. As much as I'd like, to be honest, but it's simply too much work for one lone individual. Well, unless you're @Cam Adair (I'm mentioning you way too much, I'll try to tone down the petty personality cult thing, chief ) By the way, a whole file translated in one single stroke, woo! Finally back on track, feels awesome! Now, I think I'll go for my first meditation session and after that... oops, sorry for loitering here the whole day. I'll start with the exercise asap, promise.

Ok I am REALLY COMMITTED with the Game Quitters Spain initiative. But I'm terrified. I feel I'm barging in and being annoying. I just have to write this somewhere. I feel I'm not enough detoxed. That people won't trust me. Like I'm no one important but I'm trying to hoard all the attention. Damn it, I just want to be part of something I feel really important for personal and sentimental reasons and I don't want to screw up. Please if I'm being annoying let me know. Please.

You can always count with my spanishness, @Cam Adair. Count me in!

@Marquess That was great joke But what's a "es-loh-been"? (?) B-but I was never here for the fame... However it's true that I should invest more time here. You guys are like my family. And I should stop saying should and just do. --------------------- I keep delaying beginning my physical rehabilitation. Darn it. Yesterday I gave up going to a show (I had bought the ticket and a guy almost broke his leg to deliver it to me) to have a date with a girl. [Inside Out levels of internal screaming] Nah it was ok. It's always fun to receive attention from someone who's quite obviously into you. It's not so fun that such person will quite obviously not take the initiative and kiss the hell out of you because she's a girl and girls don't do that. It's even less fun that her parents know EVERYTHING about you and welcome you in their house with way too open arms. Man it was like I was 13 all over again. Initiating beyond friendship protocols will most likely end in a SCC relationship (Standard, Closed, Committed). I have no reason to say no to that right now. But I also have no reason to say yes. The girl in question is alright I guess. We have theatre, particularly Musical Theatre in common. And we both like films, though our tastes differ. She dances latin like a pro and has a body to match such skill. Good excuse to get out of the house and learn to not being a fucking stick. Airheaded like most young hetero girls; you know, unwillingness to discuss deep topics and that giggle. We watched a movie with my cat between us. Way too marital for me. I should have go to the show and relegate that plan to another day at least. Now I think in that girl and it gives me a headache. I should just give up.

Interesting, for me it's the complete opposite. You say jump, I jump. You say recite that monologue, and that monologue goes. But give me a formula and you'll know the true meaning of torturing someone. "But Maths is easy"; go get p*gged by a 9, math nerds. Lovingly.