Hitaru

After some expected delays I finally received 268 euro/317 USD in EU travel help funds from the last project in Greece. These were sent to my account so I'll have freedom to decide how to spend them without my mother's meddling. I have several ideas: 1. Buy a violin/viola to take back my hobby and help me cope with the extreme feelings of anxiety and melancholy I'm currently experiencing. 2. Buy cheap tickets to somewhere and travel. 2.1 Same as 2 but open return, forget about the army goal, burn all the bridges and try to survive in a foreign environment until 25, until I'm bored or until situation gets desperate. 3. Buy every book on my wishlist and pay a professional photographer for a nice profile pic to add to my social media (which would help me a lot in Upwork to get translation gigs, for instance). 4. Emergency funds to survive in my friends apartment, ASSUMING my friend holds his end of the deal. 5. Audience's choice; I'm open to other suggestions. It's important to me to shake this current state off, and nothing better for that than backing change up with an economic investment, so this decision must be impactful. I'll have decided it by tomorrow. Speaking of which I'm not exactly sure yet of the reason of this negative state. Watching videos and manuals about charisma, NLP, social skills... is fascinating, motivating and hours fly by. I even started a personal archive with relevant material to review, something unheard of me. And also for the first time I don't feel like a creep, an Asperger's or a wannabe manipulator or childhood bullying karma dealer or any other self-hating crap my mind could think of. On one hand: Double down on what's working. Army is not working so good. But, there's a worrisome novelty factor. What if I'm escaping commitment? On the other hand: Stick to your word. You said you were going for Army. You invested money on it. People that care about you are already informed of your decision. There's a lot of anxiety, nightmares, colics. But if that's the voice of reason, or the voice of fear, how can I know, how can I tell them apart? I'm confused here, please help me out guys. By the way, that doesn't mean I've stopped studying completely until I figure out but my efforts are being hindered enough to keep me up at night. Lastly, I'm battling against my headaches and general discomfort with more food and water and it seems to be working.

...exactly. Even if I'm right, it's not doing me good. Focus on fact and solutions. Thanks for the tip. Unrelated, but I find it interesting: I really liked this video about choosing words in your speech: big vs. small. To be honest I don't know the average native English speaker vocabulary level, but I can guess. Cam does a great job at this. He speaks plainly and clearly. There was a time were Cam quoted me in a mail and he cropped out some parts of my original post. I noticed and revisited the post and exactly as I thought, the edit was smart and improved the quality of my words. The things left out were redundancies and unnecessary remarks, "picking apart the grain from the straw", as the spanish would say. The message left was more appealing and attractive, stronger, more direct. The post and the mail weren't even talking about the same things. Choosing the right words. Or the lack of them. Have you ever noticed the different emotional weight of the different interactions and words? The gestures, the non-verbal, the acting? Democratic politics is acting. I love acting. How could I forget? That I love experimenting with different ways of conveying an idea? It's been so long since I did anything barely related with acting, and I love it! Depression and disparaging yourself does that shit to you. No fucking more of that, friends. I'm going to stand up and carry on with what I truly want, which is no more and no less (worthy) than what everyone else's wants.

My mother said today I look thinner. She didn't encourage me to do shit to improve of course. Only the plain fact that I'm doing it wrong. The big thing is my friend finally readying the final steps so we can begin living together, but he has another friend/flatmate who's older and more skilled than me and I seem to be competing for his attention. They won't let me participate or help them in making the house ready and liveable. That makes me suspect my friend is going to procrastinate and disappear again, it makes me suspect he doesn't trust me and is going to give up on me again. And that fills me with anger, as if I wanted to slap him but at the same time would feel guilty because I shouldn't be expecting the kindness that he promised regardless that he promised. Because that would be selfish, partial, interested. Whatever. In the end it all comes to what can people get from you. If the answer is nothing, well... they might appreciate you and your company but... you can see it, that difference in treatment. I'm not 13 anymore. I can't expect to have friends only by offering a listening ear and good jokes. It's sad, but I won't let it drag me down. I have a life to build. Not because it's my fucking "job", but because I want. On other topics, I let my irresponsibility take me into a bit of a financial mess with the gym I'm not attending, but I expect to having solved it by today. I miss my boyfriend terribly and I shouldn't because it's symptom that I'm not busy enough, I'm not eating and my studies have been neglected. I... won't make a sarcastic remark, because I feel I will lose control and break things if I let the bad feelings roam around. Just note I'm not pleased with myself and my utter inability to apply already known principles of intention and initiative. Nevermind, bad day. I'll post again.

Obligatory mention! He was born in a village of Málaga and they celebrate historical recreations of the Battle of Pensacola every year. Spanish heroism usually comes in the form of personal initiative against an obstructive bureaucracy, rather than a combined effort of a group of people. Hence the lack of propaganda of their exploits and their fall into oblivion. And political infight. Lots and lots of disgusting political infight. Deplorable.

I honestly don't know what to say to you guys @Mettermrck and @Vlad right now. Specially when it comes from a weight-losing-soon-to-be-podcaster-simultaneous-addiction-quitting-growing-community-legend and a cool russian freelance businessman. In contrast, I'm just (still) a pampered, spoiled kid who prefers to starve waiting for his mom than cook. But I won't let false modesty nor low self-steem make me say something stupid to people who sincerely appreciate me. Only my real, raw thanks. I'm having trouble to sleep at night and colics have become a colorful addition to my day lately. I'm well aware it's because my shitty lifestyle and my doubts about my chosen path. No comment on it. It's been discussed thousands of times; both problems and solutions (for the two things) are common knowledge by now Instead I guess I now want to allow myself to be a little melancholic and get things off my chest. Like the good old days I guess...? Boy, it's been a while, and such a ride. A year without games passed with no glory, only because I'm finding (a lot of) trouble to quit porn and deal with current stuff. True that most of it are the same old things as 2 or 5 or 15 years ago, frustration and unfulfilled promises are making me restless, etc., but I could have never, ever imagined I would neglect my self-recognition this blatantly. It is... disrespectful. To me. To what I've done. To what I decided not to do. To all those times I was on the edge and I could have escaped but said No. It's even disrespectful to the people who's still at the arena, going through the detox. Some things were easier when I had nothing to lose. Now I feel being blinded by what I want to gain. I feel letting myself fall for that trap with no resistance. Get what I mean? Am I being hard on myself? Not the first time I hear that, or read it here. "Could I be anything else?", is what I'd ask myself instead. I live in this constant panic of growing content and apathetic and giving up keep going and growing stagnant and... ah. Settling for less! So that was it. But, as the japanese girl of the lesbian comic I mentioned earlier said in her inner monologue, most of those expectations are the voice of my parents and society. Or rather, the voice of the me who wants to please my parents and society. That's my stealth contract. If I do what I'm supposed to do, it will be ok, I will be ok. If I study and get a title like I'm supposed to get a title. If I work like I'm supposed to work. If I look like I'm supposed to look. If I talk and behave like I'm supposed to. The only real about me is my absolute rejection of this way of living from the bottom of my heart. Rage, regret, those are my most sincere emotions. That voice that screams "No!" but cannot answer "Where else to go?" Because it's not its job. Rage and regret were not made to be used as a compass. They are just the voice of the No and that's important enough. It's the first voice I have to answer to, because if I don't I won't be leaving space for the more subtle, constructive voices to settle. It looks improvised. Uncivilized. Scary. Really scary. But a big shrug goes here. It's how I am. Just how I am. I push myself harshly rationalizing it's to move forward, but what am I getting done? Like, really done. It's a lie, man. Being harsh and self-deprecating myself is not getting any better result than any other option. It's a failure. But also true this, I don't know how to be different to myself. After all... "it's my job". Not my passion. Not my joy. Not my life. My job. My job is to be alive. To be alive, I must be alive "properly". More soon.

True, specially in Wales I think. The really insulting gesture (like, looking for a fight) is if you do it with sideways, with the back of the hand also showing forward. Gestures are a form of art.

I am? (not settling for less) They... are? (my emotions) Also, what do you mean leverage? Sorry for not getting it at first. Something HUGE was announced BUT I'm skeptical as hell. Give me another day. On other topics, I socialized and it was great. I should do it way more, now that I have the chance. Then I'll miss my friends all the year. Always the same story, but each year I'm trying a bit more. Not a single day without progress no matter how small. Progress progress progress.

@Mettermrck Post vocaroo or never happened Exciting, I imagine you a (thinner, someday? ^^) version of Indy Neidell. [Please bring justice to the Spanish Empire someday. I'd honestly love that. So tiring to hear that "muh inquisition" meme again and again. We helped you with that independence business. And sold you stuff. Be a pal, americans.]

Thanks for the kind words, bro. I try to repay your support with honesty, consistency and support. You can upgrade that phrase to a native speaker level: So Russian, [shto pizdets]! That would translate: Russian as fuck . Those two short words together express an extermely superlative form of an adjective or an adverb. They can be linked to good, bad or neutral qualities or situations. Given its universal use it's obviously a swear phrase. Hahahaha I DID try to use pizdet, but I didn't know the grammatical use aside from interjection, and I read somewhere incorrect use may sound offensive. Don't want to insult you by mistake trying to sound smart

компромат, I got that one hah. So I guess that confirms you're talking about russian politics. Yep, those are fubar, and considering some personal circumstances, I'd probably find myself in a cozy chechen concentration camp if I was born there. Here you know, the average "Will break your motherfucking legs" if you mess with the wrong people, sometimes actual leg breaking, but no bullets or arrests. In general. And Trump yeah, he's a performer, and proficient at what he does when the fight is on his terms. I can't thank you enough for your support despite me not having a specific action plan on my goals. Thank you man, I mean it. Also thank you @Mettermrck and @Cam Adair. And the lurkers (*cough* @Mhyrion, I know you hate the attention but I love you too )

Sometimes you have to treat and reward yourself with something silly and "purposeless", nothing wrong with the car imo. A happy man inside makes an efficient businessman outside. I honestly appreciate that you note completely average days too! That's were habit lies, even some lines is fine, the key is consistency. That... sounded Russian as blyat. I'm not sure if you were born russian but I think it's sticking to you.

Bro, if you only talk about it, eventually people will laugh at you and think you have delusions of grandeur. The only thing that counts is the follow-through. What do people know you for? For making stupidly huge plans that never reach anything. Sad but truer than true. I'm fake news man. Never again. I helped in local elections as some kind of representative of the socialist party (a hilariously misleading name at the time, now so-so), and also attended and participated in debates and the primaries of party candidates for those elections. That was years ago, they were at their lowest in 120 years and the infighting was brutal. Personal attacks, physical threats, doxxing, back-stabbing, brawls, you name it. Spanish politics are emotional and partisan by pure definition. The farther into the left the worse. I hate that shit, and the thought of having to deal with it holds me back. That and electoral bullshit, like kissing babies. But that's way too far into the future. At that time I was really insecure so my impact was minimal, but I learned about the inner workings and built a clear idea of what to expect. I also learned there's a lot, a lot of stuff I need to learn before trying to outsmart the other people. Literally Trump...? (?)

Last night I watched American Beauty and I think I needed that. That film has influenced me two times I could say. I remember the scene of the blonde girl surrounded by roses kickstarted my emotional puberty (I was a bit too young, like 8 or so, my father was still around). The first thing I considered erotic (classy as ever, @Hitaru). So, watching the full film in an age I could understand it was kind of a therapeutic, childhood recalling experience. Specially since I learned the actual message of the film was so meaningful to me. It was one of those few times were a film ended and I was left stuck in place, not sure about how to react. The acting was also really good, very methodical and "theatresque". Anyway, I'm rambling now. Stay tuned for a big happening tomorrow. Not a sure thing, but probable. If it ends happening, it's gonna be huge. No expectations though.

Technically a doublepost, but very relevant. I went out with my childhood friends again and they support my political aspirations. I was convinced they would think it's crazy. And somehow they do, I could see them whispering at my back while I was away, but not in the sense of "Look at this crazy megalomaniac idiot" as I feared, but rather "He's trying to bite way more than he can chew". In other words it's not about my personal inability, but reticence at the sheer difficulty of the goal. They are just observing, expecting what I will actually do. That means taking me seriously, as any other politician/political thinker. That means, a completely normal reaction. A completely normal reaction...! It was really meaningful to me, in a way I cannot express in words. In this community we're all in for independence of action and thought, and that's great. But let's be real, my childhood experiences and interactions were really traumatic for me, I had to close that door. Talking trash about our old classmates and confirming my suspicions that they were mostly jerks also helped a lot. It's not about me being inadequate and inadapted anymore. There's nothing wrong with me. (There may be things wrong with me, like everyone else, but not explicitly because I am me. That's the difference.) I guess it's the time to make these two life affirmations: - My mother's opinion about me and what I should be is negative and toxic. No more doubts about it. No matter her motives. - If I worry about being corrupted, it's a good sign. The bad sign would be consider myself in possession of absolute truth. Things will go fine as long as I remember I'm doing nothing more than imposing my subjective opinion through charismatic rethoric. That is a game. It's just a game. Keeping your child spirit, right? Throwing stones and see the water making waves is fun. I want to do that with ideas and people. It's fun. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with me. Sorry for taking 22 years, 11 months and 20 months of obnoxiously repetitive journal to reach that simple conclusion. Not so smart I guess...?

@Vlad Specially when you're from countries like US, Canada or Russia and have to travel hours to end to visit a friend living in the other coast. For me it would be similar as having a friend in Finland and I imagine that as an impossible distance. ------------- Not feeling well these days. I have to regain my focus cutting down my device usage drastically. Games was a success, YouTube was a success, social media was a success, porn is on the way and now this. So I'll commit to not using devices during the afternoon and see how I feel.

@Hitaru @Cam Adair When and what city are you meeting up in? Where and when are you planning to surf? I'm trying to put my travel together: I want to meet up with you guys, surf a little in Portugal, visit Gibraltar and Andorra since they are nearby, and also visit Port Aventura in Tarragona. >Gibraltar and Andorra >Nearby (Actually, sense of real distance is a bit distorted for us europeans) The area of the Gibraltar Strait (eg Tarifa) is a well-known place for surfing and other wind-related sports, really recommended. But I would strongly advise against visiting, financing or promoting in any way the unlawful territory of Gibraltar though. Political reasons and also long and boring border checks.

Jay, ¿cómo te va? He estado un tiempo sin leerte y veo que estás pasando por un mal momento, pero no pierdas la esperanza. He vivido las mismas emociones que estás viviendo tú (las que cuentas al menos) y seguramente saber eso no te sirva de nada, porque sé como es estar en ese momento en el que todo te da igual y da igual lo que te digan para intentar animarte o aconsejarte. Solo quería decírtelo, no para decirte lo que tienes que hacer o que conozco más cosas que tú, solo que sepas que no estás solo en tu lucha. Y si no me crees puedes leer el principio de mi diario, aunque está en inglés y uso un lenguaje enmarañado (ahora me doy cuenta de que era para evitar enfrentarme a las emociones que sentía en aquel momento). Y quiero decirte lo primero que está bien que tengas ese momento en el que crees que te rindes y que no puedes más. No estás decepcionando a nadie por sentirte así, ni siquiera a tu familia aunque te muestren una emoción negativa, no es decepción. No piensan "Ah, sabíamos que Jay en el fondo no valía, esto lo confirma". No. Quítate eso de la cabeza, porque no es así. Y si alguien te dice eso alguna vez, da igual quien sea o si lleva tu sangre o tu apellido, dale puerta porque no merece tu tiempo ni tu presencia. La realidad es que está bien que te sientas derrotado a veces, porque la vida no es todo victorias y éxitos y alegría. A veces la vida te deja en el piso y parece que la gente a tu alrededor no respeta que tengas tu momento en el piso, pero a la vez tampoco se acercan a darte la mano y levantarte y ya no sabes qué pedir de ellos, si que te dejen en paz, si su comprensión, o qué. La confusión es la primera y la más dañina de las trampas que te hace tu cerebro, sobretodo cuando está en depresión. Cuando no sabes qué pensar no tienes dirección, no piensas nada, estás perdido. Y cuando estás perdido nada tiene sentido, y entonces nada merece la pena. Esa es la trampa. Puedes tener tu luto, tu frustración, tu ira. Debes tenerlos, porque debes enfrentarte a ellos, para vencerlos, para crecer. Pero no caigas en trampas. Date tiempo. Puede sonar absurdo. Pensarás "¿Más tiempo? No necesito tiempo, necesito soluciones y que se vaya este dolor", y es verdad. Pero puedes actuar y darte tiempo a la vez. Puedes empezar a vivir sabiendo que lo que sea que estás sintiendo, pasa. Bueno, malo, da igual, pasa. Por eso no debes perder la esperanza, porque al final pasará, como la noche o la marea, y empezarás a ver las cosas con otra perspectiva. Tener paciencia no es esperar inactivo, es tomar la decisión de seguir adelante, de no perder el empuje para no caer, y si caes, levantarte y retomar por donde ibas. Dormir no es morir como descansar no es parar. Descansa cuando lo necesites, pero no te detengas. Yo creo que eres un hombre valiente, y no es un cliché motivacional. Por enfrentarte a tus problemas, a tus adicciones, a tu familia, a tus sentimientos, a tu miedo. Tienes malos pensamientos, todos los tenemos. Todos hemos sido egoístas, vanidosos, orgullosos, hasta malvados, hemos hecho daño a gente que no se lo merecía y a otra gente que si, y luego nos hemos arrepentido y avergonzado, y que sea compartido con el resto de la humanidad no lo hace más legítimo o menos doloroso. Es más, seguramente ahora mismo no entiendas por qué creo que eres valiente, o pienses que miento o incluso si digo la verdad, que no es para tanto o que es una tontería. Y si lo haces, se que no eres tú quien habla, sino tu cerebro dolido y asustado, tu depresión y tus demonios personales. Y yo no puedo hacer nada para que te sientas mejor, eres tú. Tú debes tomar esa decisión. Porque al final mañana va a salir el sol igual, y la vida va a pedir de ti las mismas cosas, te sientas como te sientas. Y puedes decidir sentirte mejor, o menos peor. Está en ti enfrentar esos demonios o escapar. Ya has comprobado que escapar no sirve para nada. Cada día que no escapas, aunque no hagas nada, solo asumir que están ahí, mirarlos a los ojos, como mirarías en alerta a un perro rabioso que te acecha, cada vez que haces eso estás luchando. Cada día que luchas, ganas. Aunque te sientas como mierda. Aunque sientas que no tiene sentido. Aunque tu cerebro te diga "Pierdes el tiempo, no merece la pena" y tu le creas. Estás ganando. Lucha cada día Jay. Es lo único que tienes que hacer. Es la única opción sensata que te da la vida. La única opción que lleva a algo. No tienes que preocuparte por ganar, si luchas ya ganas. Ganar no es necesariamente conseguir lo que quieres en el momento, o incluso nunca. Puedes ganar y no conseguir lo que te propongas. Porque ganar es saber que estuviste ahí, que lo intentaste, saber que intentarlo mereció cada gota de sudor, y sangre, y lágrimas, cada depresión y cada día que parecía que no iba a acabar. Lo merece, Jay. Yo no lo creía hace dos años. Hay días que aún no lo creo, no te miento. Pero merece la pena vivir, sin más. Vive y lucha cada día. Espero que sigas escribiendo, y que te cuides. No te encierres en ti mismo, al menos escribe como te sientes aunque sea terrible. Se que cuesta y a veces es casi insufrible, pero escribe, aunque sea unas líneas. Traza un camino, sea el que sea, para no perderte en esos sentimientos confusos y vacíos. Ordena tu cabeza, haya lo que haya. Una vez sepas lo que hay, que lo puedas definir en pocas palabras, es el primer gran paso en tu recuperación. Confío en que podrás hacerlo, aunque te cueste o tardes. Tienes toda la vida por delante para ello, aunque quizá te convenga darte prisa. Una prisa moderada, al ritmo al que tu estés cómodo. Un gran abrazo, te seguiré leyendo, aquí tienes una casa y una comunidad que te apoya.

I don't want to sound paranoid or narcissistic but that last episode of the podcast with Amber Valdez had @Hitaru written all over. I listened to it once but I think it's going to need at least a second one. My life purpose crisis is reaching its end. I have it mostly sorted out. My current path is ok, my fears unfounded and all those thoughts are actually self-sabotage. Which lead to anxiety, PMO and procrastination. Easy enough. So, now it's not about me not knowing what the hell to do, but me being a f*cking coward. Which is way more easy to handle, or at least to understand. I'll have to ask myself if the comfort and temporary relief of that anxiety is worth the price of a long life of regret. I'm sure I wrote this before and I'll keep doing it until the answer is a cristal clear "No".

Special snowflake attitude, dark humor and clothes, girls wearing lingerie stockings, bangs dyed in purple, black eyeliner, red lines painted in your wrists with ketchup or ink, a morbid hate for your parents and society, bisexual experimentation ending in codependent straight relationships involving lots of bad quality picture slideshows with "My Immortal" as background made using Windows Movie Maker, high-pitched obnoxious screaming during group meetings in shady places of town made infamous among normies for aforementioned reason, anime character impersonations and threats to violence and self-harm were what being emo was about in my teens ^^ Disclaimer: I wasn't a true emo since I didn't dress up as one nor take pictures. God how I regret not doing it. "Adapt to society", said Mom, "It will be fun", said Mom. I hate you Mom, now I'm going to listen to some more Evanescence.

If you look for Game Quitters in Google, you and @giblets appear immediately in the results. Just saying. Almost two months Bob!

It helps, Bob, thank you for your kindness. But there was not only kindness in your answer so lemme see... Yeah, you might be right. No matter what others say, even if there was a prophecy about me I should be able to make my own choices. Not should, but am. I am able to make my own choices. And yes my friend, you have the potential to do something really interesting, so keep up the good work, I can't wait to know what will be! I'll have to practice my bullet-dodging skills. Yes. Yes. How...? That's a question directed to me, not anyone else. A question destined to me, pun intended, since it's my life. Ah. I'm tempted to say that I wasted away/procrastinated the day, but... I think I'm still in internal monologue. I... know what I want to do. No. I accepted what I want to do. But I haven't assumed it. I still don't dare to make a realistic step by step plan, or rather, to question seriously my current choices. Would the military suit me in this new path? Would quitting before trying be a rationalization to escape? If it's not (yet it is), do I have a REAL plan B? That's my compromise, if I can make a plan I'm satisfied with, I'll change course. But that's not gonna happen, because I need money, I need responsibility and maturity, so "Stay at home reading politics and traveling with my mother's money and not doing anything in the end" is absolutely NOT a real plan. Fuck that, not again. I have a huge problem of self-assertion, so I guess a new fight has started. Wonderful. Not in a sarcastic way; I mean truly positive. I needed this, it had to happen. I guess I kind of wish it happened at day 0 or before, but happening at day 370 it's not so bad either. The silliness of the day: A friend showed me this short movie everyone (in my liberal circles) is talking about and I made this: It represents and metajokes me at so many levels I cannot help but chuckle and feel my heart warmed every time I look at it. Yes, it's finally happening, rainbow feelings settled in me and my levels of glucose are out of control. Curse you A., you are the culprit of all this, curse you...! Please kill me before it gets worse and I start seeing the good in everything and everyone or some similar dystopian fate.

Not since last year buddy (but it's true given how much I liked it the sentence could as well mean "having cravings", hah) But, in all seriousness now, and I'm asking this directly to you, @Mettermrck, now that you brought it up and like History. Please consider this: I want to be a politician. I'm dreaming big, and I mean really big, so big it embarrases me to say. As big as you can imagine and then some. In my home, in my town, in my country, saying this out loud would turn me into a laughing stock. Even for you thousands of km. away it may still sound the unrealistic fantasy of a little child, like wanting to be an astronaut but creepier because of the napoleonic vibes. Right? That's the whole issue. I know my ambition is huge, and perhaps a little too big for my own good since I should also have a life to enjoy. But I feel delegitimized. Want to be the best surgeon ever? Unrealistic, but noble. Win a Nobel Prize? Well, you shouldn't count on it but sure go for it. Greatest leader of the first half of the XXIst Century? Dude go get that checked by a doctor. Also you're going to be a crook sooner or later so fuck you. I've been thinking about this big-league politics dream since forever. Yes, as a 5 year old child, nose buried in absurdly huge tomes about the World Wars period and all types of biographies. Of course, there was people who noticed. "You're going to be a politician", said my teachers mockingly every time I opened my mouth. "You're going to be the next Hitler" said my friends. If you ask them, they'll still say I have some fascist secret sympathies. Even my family name is uncannily similar. At home, my mother wouldn't shut up about how ambition is bad and surely the residue of a sick mind, and went to the extreme to suggest I was one of those sick people as well. That last things brings tears to my eyes, but of course she won't give two fucks about it. Can you understand? I felt destined to become some sort of Antichrist. I felt ridiculed and destined to do evil in politics and become a hateful person, and while I was playing grand strategy games as a placebo (and masturbating every time anxiety settled in), I even came to think I was doing a great service to everyone else by getting them rid of me. But I can't be happy because there's no other thing in the world that makes me more motivated. I always knew. I guess that's my personal closet, instead of my sexuality. And, the same as people who stay in the closet lead lives full of lies and unbearable frustration, I wasn't able to find my direction as well. All those side projects like learning a trade, bullshit. I want to be a politician. I also like to do other things in life like traveling or writing, but I don't want to be a professional traveler or writer. Not without having walked the path of politics first. I will never feel happy doing something else, and I cannot change that, my motivation is beyond my personal decision, it was chosen for me, or at least wired into my brain at so impossibly young age that now it won't go away, like existentialism. Thus was written thou shalt become an existential politician. I feel played by fate, it's not fair. It's not fair to be given this stupid brain, it's not fair to be given this stupid "task" and it's not fair to be given the incomprehension of almost everyone else. I've been dodging this talk since I opened my journal but here it is. My question to you Bob is: Am I really nuts? Should I just forget about it and focus in something more... or rather less... megalomaniac? You have probably read a lot of biographies of nasty people, and I would find extremely unpleasant to say the least to find myself in one of those. I'm not a psycho, I want to be accepted and loved, though I don't exactly know why and in all honesty, it feels a burden to my goals rather than a reasonable human need. I should probably work on that btw. If I give up on this, I won't be able to ignore it. I'll have to turn back into grand strategy gaming right away and pray that it numbs me enough to give it up forever. It's not a threat, but a mere reality. If I choose to not play, it means I'm not simulating it, but going for it IRL, since I won't be able to put it aside. When I'm having sex my mind gets distracted by politics. That's how bad it gets. You can laugh and pity me I guess. You noticed right? There's not a real choice here. That's how I feel. Well, at least my boyfriend and this therapist support me. I can see the worry in my boyfriend's eyes, but I can't tell if he's worried about my future or my present. And the therapist, well, I thank his honest opinion. I'm feeling really tired now, and I have a PMO addiction to take care of, so before I get overwhelmed by anxiety I'll keep going with some stuff, I have a birthday present to give today and then some studying, etc.

From my NoFap Journal: Motivation, huh. I guess that would be politics for me. We discussed how hard is for me to find support, since this is not the 80s anymore (spanish historical context) and basically it's a really frowned upon choice. He said something about how the final goal (say, President) makes you look detached or unrealistic, or even a bit crazy, but a shorter goal (say, Political Sciences student) seem much more down-to-earth and easy to support. Good point. So, I guess you're officially reading an aspiring Political Sciences/Sociology student. How does that sound? Also, I'm not ignoring the discussion about Cam's (and Vlad's, if he finally joins) coming to the Iberian Peninsula, but I'm still too choked on the emotional turmoil to comment.

Welcome back Daniel! I also procrastinate a lot, I use SF + Cold Turkey, I heard good things about K9 but I'm not sure yet, can you please report back with your experience using it? You can do this man!

You say! In Spain latin dances are currently a big hit, and it's just ridiculous the disparity between men and women. I have a friend that really got into them (he lost around 30 kilos/66 lbs, there was a time he was in 4 academies simultaneously and danced around 8-12 hours daily, a madman ). He's short, like no more than 5' 4", plump and thick boned, so the poor guy wasn't that popular with girls (at least until they saw him dance!) and the amount of work he had partnering with the girls was hilarious. Thankfully he likes girls and dancing with the same passion, other people would have ended in the hospital due to exertion. @giblets It's settled then, if anyone ever makes a movie about gaming addiction, the name shall be "Sunday Blues". Sundance next hit, I assure you. Keep going Bob! You are going to be ok.