Hitaru

Man, in my experience, any motivation is good motivation, at least for a while. If you ask yourself that question it probably means you genuinely care about not being a psycho or an asshole, so you should be fine. Fear, anger, pride, revenge, are like anaerobic fuel. A surge, an explosion of emergency energy. Survival mode. Motivation, purpose, making an impact, those are long-term, the foundation of lasting happiness. I'm not even saying those are better, you'll have to choose depending on the situation. Sometimes you have to survive, sometimes you have to thrive.

Interesting, never thought of it this way. I guess that's the reason behind feeling strangely sad to see my empty Facebook feed...

Welcome to the forum! First of all what you're doing is really brave and admirable. It's really easy to feel overwhelmed and give up on people suffering from addictions, to look away and hope it gets better, or even worse, to take personal responsibility and blame. It is not your fault. It's the first thing you need to acknowledge. It will be difficult for you to help your brother, and the chance will drop to 0% if you start from a victim/guilty position. Thaaat being said, my experience with family members is limited. Right now I come as a moderator, just to tell you that if you plan to post regularly, you should open a thread in the main section or a journal; people only drop here to say hi to newcomers. Threads in the main section can be more specific but the journal section is more populated (and popular) so you can choose accordingly. Hope to see you around, and good luck for you and your brother! You two deserve better!

Welcome and congrats on your month! There are many people in this community who have experienced bullying and isolation as you describe. You're not alone and if you ever feel the need to discuss it, you'll find support. It's also true that compulsive videogame players use games to escape and neglect their social skills, health, even hygiene. But (and it's not an excuse) there are also non-players who live in misery. Outside things (fun, girls, jobs) are a reflection of what's inside. When they are true of course. And about your English, if you speak serbian I think you could start a journal in the Non-English language section and expect to be replied. If your variant is bosnian or croat you got me a bit more lost there, but it would certainly be an exotic addition! However I recommend you to keep writing in English and improving, your level is already pretty decent!

Fuck You Fund, I like it. Considering my trajectory, the victory would be actually trying. I'm so tired of escaping and dropping things half-way, man. Friend is MIA, so there you go. Money still not spent, but suddenly I don't feel the need to rush it. That gives me hope in my future home economy managing skills. I try to twist around time and again, but I can't see a way to escape my current trajectory. Come on me, it's not so big deal man, just stick with your decision. I'll be bullshiting me until the very day of the exam I'm afraid, but isn't that resilience at work? I'm sorry for all the inconvenience caused by the collateral effect of me being a f*cking pussy. Now seriously, I see my permanent bad mood affecting people around me. I cannot allow myself to be a downer. Sometimes it's ok. Not as a constant. Today a good day emotionally. Husband came back from a trip in Central Europe and we did some catching up between yesterday and today. Apparently Budapest is a must go. Physically, however... Lack of movement. The moment I make exercise a habit, it will pass. One discomfort after the next. Why is it that I don't feel so bad about it as I used to?

Boring (?) Two years, four if I like it. Not running my mouth will surely be a great skill for the current me, believe me. Other than that, the rep of being told "Ah this guy should know something about life, he was military". Probably not so much, but better than "Was a leech in his mommy's house until 25 when he went to learn how to live from everyone else's honest work". Push around civilians, huh... If there was some sort of short-term commitment then why not, could be an interesting experience and I've always felt curious about their job (also have a lot of family tradition in Police and Civil Guard on father's side... probably some of the worst of the corps...). But anyway, police work is signed for life in national exams.

When you are in Madrid take a look at Toledo, it won't take you long and it's a really nice medieval town (Also the Inquisition Museum is there, if you want to humor the most celebrated spanish meme and have a liking for complicated torture devices. Perhaps something to punish relapsers... ) I live in the south. Good surfing in the south as I tell you. Andalusian overdose in the south. BUT, from Madrid you can also choose Barcelona. Great party in Barcelona. If @Vlad and you decide you'd like that, I could look for a cheap flight and meet you there. Your choice?

Ok. Lisbon/Sagres means south, so you must check south of Spain too. Tarifa is another great place to surf but the winds in the strait are a bit tricky, I have to check your dates beforehand. You could also visit Seville, and even Córdoba and Granada if you fancy. Depends on how much you want to travel but it's worthy. The small villages of the province of Cádiz have a lot of charm, but they are a bit isolated and you ought to rent a car to visit them. I mean, depends on what are you looking for in a travel. Heritage, landscapes, food, party?

So you have another 2 weeks for Spain, right?

- Money - Credentials - Self-reliance If I had another source of income that would let me be independent and improve my maturity and independence, I'd go for it immediately. Such as becoming a traveling translator.

After some expected delays I finally received 268 euro/317 USD in EU travel help funds from the last project in Greece. These were sent to my account so I'll have freedom to decide how to spend them without my mother's meddling. I have several ideas: 1. Buy a violin/viola to take back my hobby and help me cope with the extreme feelings of anxiety and melancholy I'm currently experiencing. 2. Buy cheap tickets to somewhere and travel. 2.1 Same as 2 but open return, forget about the army goal, burn all the bridges and try to survive in a foreign environment until 25, until I'm bored or until situation gets desperate. 3. Buy every book on my wishlist and pay a professional photographer for a nice profile pic to add to my social media (which would help me a lot in Upwork to get translation gigs, for instance). 4. Emergency funds to survive in my friends apartment, ASSUMING my friend holds his end of the deal. 5. Audience's choice; I'm open to other suggestions. It's important to me to shake this current state off, and nothing better for that than backing change up with an economic investment, so this decision must be impactful. I'll have decided it by tomorrow. Speaking of which I'm not exactly sure yet of the reason of this negative state. Watching videos and manuals about charisma, NLP, social skills... is fascinating, motivating and hours fly by. I even started a personal archive with relevant material to review, something unheard of me. And also for the first time I don't feel like a creep, an Asperger's or a wannabe manipulator or childhood bullying karma dealer or any other self-hating crap my mind could think of. On one hand: Double down on what's working. Army is not working so good. But, there's a worrisome novelty factor. What if I'm escaping commitment? On the other hand: Stick to your word. You said you were going for Army. You invested money on it. People that care about you are already informed of your decision. There's a lot of anxiety, nightmares, colics. But if that's the voice of reason, or the voice of fear, how can I know, how can I tell them apart? I'm confused here, please help me out guys. By the way, that doesn't mean I've stopped studying completely until I figure out but my efforts are being hindered enough to keep me up at night. Lastly, I'm battling against my headaches and general discomfort with more food and water and it seems to be working.

...exactly. Even if I'm right, it's not doing me good. Focus on fact and solutions. Thanks for the tip. Unrelated, but I find it interesting: I really liked this video about choosing words in your speech: big vs. small. To be honest I don't know the average native English speaker vocabulary level, but I can guess. Cam does a great job at this. He speaks plainly and clearly. There was a time were Cam quoted me in a mail and he cropped out some parts of my original post. I noticed and revisited the post and exactly as I thought, the edit was smart and improved the quality of my words. The things left out were redundancies and unnecessary remarks, "picking apart the grain from the straw", as the spanish would say. The message left was more appealing and attractive, stronger, more direct. The post and the mail weren't even talking about the same things. Choosing the right words. Or the lack of them. Have you ever noticed the different emotional weight of the different interactions and words? The gestures, the non-verbal, the acting? Democratic politics is acting. I love acting. How could I forget? That I love experimenting with different ways of conveying an idea? It's been so long since I did anything barely related with acting, and I love it! Depression and disparaging yourself does that shit to you. No fucking more of that, friends. I'm going to stand up and carry on with what I truly want, which is no more and no less (worthy) than what everyone else's wants.

My mother said today I look thinner. She didn't encourage me to do shit to improve of course. Only the plain fact that I'm doing it wrong. The big thing is my friend finally readying the final steps so we can begin living together, but he has another friend/flatmate who's older and more skilled than me and I seem to be competing for his attention. They won't let me participate or help them in making the house ready and liveable. That makes me suspect my friend is going to procrastinate and disappear again, it makes me suspect he doesn't trust me and is going to give up on me again. And that fills me with anger, as if I wanted to slap him but at the same time would feel guilty because I shouldn't be expecting the kindness that he promised regardless that he promised. Because that would be selfish, partial, interested. Whatever. In the end it all comes to what can people get from you. If the answer is nothing, well... they might appreciate you and your company but... you can see it, that difference in treatment. I'm not 13 anymore. I can't expect to have friends only by offering a listening ear and good jokes. It's sad, but I won't let it drag me down. I have a life to build. Not because it's my fucking "job", but because I want. On other topics, I let my irresponsibility take me into a bit of a financial mess with the gym I'm not attending, but I expect to having solved it by today. I miss my boyfriend terribly and I shouldn't because it's symptom that I'm not busy enough, I'm not eating and my studies have been neglected. I... won't make a sarcastic remark, because I feel I will lose control and break things if I let the bad feelings roam around. Just note I'm not pleased with myself and my utter inability to apply already known principles of intention and initiative. Nevermind, bad day. I'll post again.

Obligatory mention! He was born in a village of Málaga and they celebrate historical recreations of the Battle of Pensacola every year. Spanish heroism usually comes in the form of personal initiative against an obstructive bureaucracy, rather than a combined effort of a group of people. Hence the lack of propaganda of their exploits and their fall into oblivion. And political infight. Lots and lots of disgusting political infight. Deplorable.

I honestly don't know what to say to you guys @Mettermrck and @Vlad right now. Specially when it comes from a weight-losing-soon-to-be-podcaster-simultaneous-addiction-quitting-growing-community-legend and a cool russian freelance businessman. In contrast, I'm just (still) a pampered, spoiled kid who prefers to starve waiting for his mom than cook. But I won't let false modesty nor low self-steem make me say something stupid to people who sincerely appreciate me. Only my real, raw thanks. I'm having trouble to sleep at night and colics have become a colorful addition to my day lately. I'm well aware it's because my shitty lifestyle and my doubts about my chosen path. No comment on it. It's been discussed thousands of times; both problems and solutions (for the two things) are common knowledge by now Instead I guess I now want to allow myself to be a little melancholic and get things off my chest. Like the good old days I guess...? Boy, it's been a while, and such a ride. A year without games passed with no glory, only because I'm finding (a lot of) trouble to quit porn and deal with current stuff. True that most of it are the same old things as 2 or 5 or 15 years ago, frustration and unfulfilled promises are making me restless, etc., but I could have never, ever imagined I would neglect my self-recognition this blatantly. It is... disrespectful. To me. To what I've done. To what I decided not to do. To all those times I was on the edge and I could have escaped but said No. It's even disrespectful to the people who's still at the arena, going through the detox. Some things were easier when I had nothing to lose. Now I feel being blinded by what I want to gain. I feel letting myself fall for that trap with no resistance. Get what I mean? Am I being hard on myself? Not the first time I hear that, or read it here. "Could I be anything else?", is what I'd ask myself instead. I live in this constant panic of growing content and apathetic and giving up keep going and growing stagnant and... ah. Settling for less! So that was it. But, as the japanese girl of the lesbian comic I mentioned earlier said in her inner monologue, most of those expectations are the voice of my parents and society. Or rather, the voice of the me who wants to please my parents and society. That's my stealth contract. If I do what I'm supposed to do, it will be ok, I will be ok. If I study and get a title like I'm supposed to get a title. If I work like I'm supposed to work. If I look like I'm supposed to look. If I talk and behave like I'm supposed to. The only real about me is my absolute rejection of this way of living from the bottom of my heart. Rage, regret, those are my most sincere emotions. That voice that screams "No!" but cannot answer "Where else to go?" Because it's not its job. Rage and regret were not made to be used as a compass. They are just the voice of the No and that's important enough. It's the first voice I have to answer to, because if I don't I won't be leaving space for the more subtle, constructive voices to settle. It looks improvised. Uncivilized. Scary. Really scary. But a big shrug goes here. It's how I am. Just how I am. I push myself harshly rationalizing it's to move forward, but what am I getting done? Like, really done. It's a lie, man. Being harsh and self-deprecating myself is not getting any better result than any other option. It's a failure. But also true this, I don't know how to be different to myself. After all... "it's my job". Not my passion. Not my joy. Not my life. My job. My job is to be alive. To be alive, I must be alive "properly". More soon.

True, specially in Wales I think. The really insulting gesture (like, looking for a fight) is if you do it with sideways, with the back of the hand also showing forward. Gestures are a form of art.

I am? (not settling for less) They... are? (my emotions) Also, what do you mean leverage? Sorry for not getting it at first. Something HUGE was announced BUT I'm skeptical as hell. Give me another day. On other topics, I socialized and it was great. I should do it way more, now that I have the chance. Then I'll miss my friends all the year. Always the same story, but each year I'm trying a bit more. Not a single day without progress no matter how small. Progress progress progress.

@Mettermrck Post vocaroo or never happened Exciting, I imagine you a (thinner, someday? ^^) version of Indy Neidell. [Please bring justice to the Spanish Empire someday. I'd honestly love that. So tiring to hear that "muh inquisition" meme again and again. We helped you with that independence business. And sold you stuff. Be a pal, americans.]

Thanks for the kind words, bro. I try to repay your support with honesty, consistency and support. You can upgrade that phrase to a native speaker level: So Russian, [shto pizdets]! That would translate: Russian as fuck . Those two short words together express an extermely superlative form of an adjective or an adverb. They can be linked to good, bad or neutral qualities or situations. Given its universal use it's obviously a swear phrase. Hahahaha I DID try to use pizdet, but I didn't know the grammatical use aside from interjection, and I read somewhere incorrect use may sound offensive. Don't want to insult you by mistake trying to sound smart

компромат, I got that one hah. So I guess that confirms you're talking about russian politics. Yep, those are fubar, and considering some personal circumstances, I'd probably find myself in a cozy chechen concentration camp if I was born there. Here you know, the average "Will break your motherfucking legs" if you mess with the wrong people, sometimes actual leg breaking, but no bullets or arrests. In general. And Trump yeah, he's a performer, and proficient at what he does when the fight is on his terms. I can't thank you enough for your support despite me not having a specific action plan on my goals. Thank you man, I mean it. Also thank you @Mettermrck and @Cam Adair. And the lurkers (*cough* @Mhyrion, I know you hate the attention but I love you too )

Sometimes you have to treat and reward yourself with something silly and "purposeless", nothing wrong with the car imo. A happy man inside makes an efficient businessman outside. I honestly appreciate that you note completely average days too! That's were habit lies, even some lines is fine, the key is consistency. That... sounded Russian as blyat. I'm not sure if you were born russian but I think it's sticking to you.

Bro, if you only talk about it, eventually people will laugh at you and think you have delusions of grandeur. The only thing that counts is the follow-through. What do people know you for? For making stupidly huge plans that never reach anything. Sad but truer than true. I'm fake news man. Never again. I helped in local elections as some kind of representative of the socialist party (a hilariously misleading name at the time, now so-so), and also attended and participated in debates and the primaries of party candidates for those elections. That was years ago, they were at their lowest in 120 years and the infighting was brutal. Personal attacks, physical threats, doxxing, back-stabbing, brawls, you name it. Spanish politics are emotional and partisan by pure definition. The farther into the left the worse. I hate that shit, and the thought of having to deal with it holds me back. That and electoral bullshit, like kissing babies. But that's way too far into the future. At that time I was really insecure so my impact was minimal, but I learned about the inner workings and built a clear idea of what to expect. I also learned there's a lot, a lot of stuff I need to learn before trying to outsmart the other people. Literally Trump...? (?)

Last night I watched American Beauty and I think I needed that. That film has influenced me two times I could say. I remember the scene of the blonde girl surrounded by roses kickstarted my emotional puberty (I was a bit too young, like 8 or so, my father was still around). The first thing I considered erotic (classy as ever, @Hitaru). So, watching the full film in an age I could understand it was kind of a therapeutic, childhood recalling experience. Specially since I learned the actual message of the film was so meaningful to me. It was one of those few times were a film ended and I was left stuck in place, not sure about how to react. The acting was also really good, very methodical and "theatresque". Anyway, I'm rambling now. Stay tuned for a big happening tomorrow. Not a sure thing, but probable. If it ends happening, it's gonna be huge. No expectations though.

Technically a doublepost, but very relevant. I went out with my childhood friends again and they support my political aspirations. I was convinced they would think it's crazy. And somehow they do, I could see them whispering at my back while I was away, but not in the sense of "Look at this crazy megalomaniac idiot" as I feared, but rather "He's trying to bite way more than he can chew". In other words it's not about my personal inability, but reticence at the sheer difficulty of the goal. They are just observing, expecting what I will actually do. That means taking me seriously, as any other politician/political thinker. That means, a completely normal reaction. A completely normal reaction...! It was really meaningful to me, in a way I cannot express in words. In this community we're all in for independence of action and thought, and that's great. But let's be real, my childhood experiences and interactions were really traumatic for me, I had to close that door. Talking trash about our old classmates and confirming my suspicions that they were mostly jerks also helped a lot. It's not about me being inadequate and inadapted anymore. There's nothing wrong with me. (There may be things wrong with me, like everyone else, but not explicitly because I am me. That's the difference.) I guess it's the time to make these two life affirmations: - My mother's opinion about me and what I should be is negative and toxic. No more doubts about it. No matter her motives. - If I worry about being corrupted, it's a good sign. The bad sign would be consider myself in possession of absolute truth. Things will go fine as long as I remember I'm doing nothing more than imposing my subjective opinion through charismatic rethoric. That is a game. It's just a game. Keeping your child spirit, right? Throwing stones and see the water making waves is fun. I want to do that with ideas and people. It's fun. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with me. Sorry for taking 22 years, 11 months and 20 months of obnoxiously repetitive journal to reach that simple conclusion. Not so smart I guess...?

@Vlad Specially when you're from countries like US, Canada or Russia and have to travel hours to end to visit a friend living in the other coast. For me it would be similar as having a friend in Finland and I imagine that as an impossible distance. ------------- Not feeling well these days. I have to regain my focus cutting down my device usage drastically. Games was a success, YouTube was a success, social media was a success, porn is on the way and now this. So I'll commit to not using devices during the afternoon and see how I feel.