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ChewyChickenBones

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Everything posted by ChewyChickenBones

  1. Morning works out well in case you get busy, lazy, or just don't want to write later in the day.
  2. Welcome to the forums. Reading and actively using the worksheets Respawn provides has helped me a lot. Check out it and good luck on your journey.
  3. Day 6 Woke up feeling a lot of anger. I was thinking of bad situations and how I could "put them in their place." Whenever I felt this way, I would play video games. Now I turn my focus to mindfulness. Just let the emotions be instead of suppressing or numbing. The apartment was a freaking mess! Played Moonlight Sonata on a loop and got to work on the place. Big difference by the time I was done. There were also two big piles of dirty laundry I had intended to take care of weeks ago... but of course I was playing games instead. As I was driving I kept thinking of reasons why I should turn back home instead but I refused. The laundromat has an arcade cabinet. It also has one of my favorite NeoGeo games... Metal Slug X! Oh... Just thinking about it is incredible. Well aware of this temptation I had prepared and brought my Respawn worksheets to work on while I waited. Looking at my answers, and adjusting some things. I completely forgot about the arcade cabinet. There were 30 minutes left for the dryers; there's a Japanese restaurant nearby. Made up my mind that I wanted some miso soup. Normally taking action and going to any social place would make me freeze up. I walked in a little nervous, but I enjoyed my meal. I actually went to a new location by myself and it went well! The itch to play has increased. Getting outta the house and doing something helps out.
  4. Welcome to the forums. Congrats on taking an immense step.
  5. I know that I can do better. I had to escape my virtual world to get my life in order.
  6. @Remigjus That's great quote. @Parkreiner To get away from games and take care of myself. @Hitaru That's really good advice, thanks! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 5 Feeling groggy. Parkreiner's post had me think a lot more about my detox goal. Games have been my identity for a long time. It's all I understood or cared about. Nothing else mattered. It took me a long time to respond. I thought things like "90 day detox then return with a clear mind and go all in as a streamer", and "detox then go back to games to see how it goes" but it didn't feel true. The real truth is that I am doing this detox to take care of my life. All that was done was just enough. Just enough to pay the bills. Just enough to place a roof under my head. Just enough to feel full. Just enough to make her happy. And the most important thing back then: Just enough to keep gaming. That is not my life. Yesterday went very well at work and looking for another good day today. Heading out in a few to buy some groceries. I just want to stay home and be lazy. Oh man it would be great, but I'm keeping myself busy. A routine that does not involve getting my controller as soon as I wake up. 0139PM - Heading to work was an emotional rollercoaster. I was triggered because of my loud neighbor. I feel as if any negative thing is about me. I felt angry, sad, then depressed. 0758PM - There is a vagrant at work who owns a PS4 and PSVR. I've always wondered why he ended up living in the airport and playing games. Went up to him, gave him a sandwich and introduced myself. We just talked about our common interest; video games. It was just like talking to any friend about games. It's tough to see another human fall so deep into the same addiction. I wish him the best and hope to see him around at work. No longer as a vagrant, but a friend.
  7. Day 4. This day has started off ROUGH. Argument with my girl, never good. Signing us up for couples therapy. I was still in a gaming chat. Told my friends I had to stop and left all game chats. Tomorrow is a work day. I don't like dealing with angry people. It doesn't happen as often anymore.. but I get anxious. I've gotten really pissed of a few times. Screaming like a maniac, scared to let that punch go. I'm going to get another job. I'll hang tight for now. I have some ideas while watching Cam's videos and reading respawn. I'm going out tomorrow, working on a video project. Checking out local places tomorrow. Thinking of hitting up a Starbucks, coffee shop, library, some social place where I can work. Getting a haircut. Still feeling very upset about that argument with my girl. Man, shit got too intense. 0358AM - Sex would be amazing. Not risking it in this relationship. I hate to up so early, but I'm getting a haircut in the morning. 1048AM - Ate a cheat day dinner last night. My stomach does not feel great, back to eating well. Stuck at home because of this but I am making progress in real life. 1228PM - Heading to work early, it's a very social place. Going here by choice, a choice to step away from the house and work on my project. 0621PM - Today was a day full of new experiences. I work at an airport. That means A LOT of people. It felt great showing up early and not working immediately. Instead I took the time to get myself some food and got to know some friends better. I opened up about my 90 gaming detox, and talked about my experience with games. When I was working a kid playing Yoshi's Island. Hearing those tunes again! My head turned immediately, I wanted to play! Time to keep myself busy, time for dinner soon. I also am keeping myself busy by working on a project. What a day, so many new experiences. Incredible.
  8. Welcome @Raven! Keep it up, I'm also on Day 3 and experience rough moments.
  9. Day 3 I am feeling very nervous. I just wanted to game to let all that uncomfortable feeling go away. There's a crazy neighbor I have. Don't really want to talk to them. When I get anxious, it's a trigger for me to want to game. Heading to work in 1 hour. Still nervous about being out with people. I want to hermit up. So far giving up games has not been the hardest part, but actually getting away from the apartment and socialize is what makes me anxious. Anxiety, shaky, fear, insecure, sad, yet happy that I am pushing myself to get out there. A lot of bad experiences have happened before.. but I chose to have a lot of great experiences with my new future. It's not easy. I wish it could set life up as quick as gaming. This is new ground. Been hooked on my world for so long. This is all new. Man I feel nervous. 0311PM - Almost halfway through the day. Work has gone well so far. Been reading other journals, it's good to see we're all making progress. Not being hooked on a game feels incredible. I'm going to keep reading Respawn; print out important things so I have post it up. Feeling overwhelmed, these are all new things. Gives me a headache. Still afraid of a lot of things. 0356PM - Printed out several of the worksheets. Writing on them, highlighting things I still need to do. I don't find anything any common interests on meeting people yet. At least my job is very social. I'm forced to talk to new people everyday, I think I'll aim for a new friend a week. I usually don't make friends, just talk enough to do my job. 0547PM - Made a new friend. Most of the conversation was about work but I was able to ask a few more things like where they are from, and if they speak another language. I still have a hard time socializing with people but hey it's a start. I'll keep making friends. There's a lot of people I can meet. I also keep going back to think... all the hours I spent playing Halo, Phantom Dust, Halo 2, Halo 3, Modern Warfare, AwesomeNauts, Hearthstone and Overwatch. It was just way easier to escape into these games. Feeling uncomfotable. I am thankful for this forum and support group, helps me stay determined. No more gaming. 1040PM - The day is almost done. Proud that I had another day free of games. Stressed out but I'm not gaming!
  10. Great journal, good progress. Keep it up
  11. Thanks everyone. Day 2. I completed day one! I feel better. Almost caved in a few times last night. Also went on a no fap detox. Been off work, so that helps. Feeling a little anxious about going to work tomorrow, but I will pull through. I am still interested on other things. I finally had the time to finish watching Fantastic Beasts. I love the HP universe but I missed out on this because I kept playing. Being hard on myself because I want to hop out and do everything different already. This is a part of my life I am taking control of now, so I'm doing other activities that interest me. Writing out my thoughts on the movie was a fun thing to do. Came here to follow up, don't want to cave in and game lol. I still have a lot of anxiety. Kinda get lost in thought. I know it'll improve. I'm no longer investing time in addiction. Games still interest me, I just got to obsessed, lost control and got hooked. I feel like being away from real life so long affected my social skills a lot. I have two personas, quiet player online, or the helpful guy because it's his job. I am not either one of those. I just don't know how to be myself in any situation. Now that I am off games and think about personality.. I get to see that my writing is a reflection of the person I became. I don't write well anymore.. and I talk the way I type. It's all over the place. I'm facing people tomorrow. I work in a place where I talk to large amount of strangers. Let's see how I handle it now that I am not thinking about games. Another reason I am changing is because I got sick. I was so hooked that I got myself sick. The little time I spent off learning to take care of myself; I saw an improvement in my life. Day 2 is almost done. I had a really close urge and saw a learning app neatly combined with a game. A simple game... still a game. Temptations. Ah, here's one thing I saw an immediate improvement. I have not said my thoughts outlout. It is/was a bad habit and I was feeling helpless doing this. Made my anti social self much more outta place. Whenever I was not playing my emotions went outta control!I would think out loud, or throw tantrums, I was not able to stay still, fidgety, shaky, nervous. I have not done that today. I still am aiming for this to be a nice long needed gaming detox. Maybe I could pursue my streaming ambition if I learn self control? IDK, but I feel incredibly better not having my emotions outta control. Being able to express my emotions by writing helps a lot. Before I was able to either talk a lot or type a lot. I had an outlet instead of keeping it bottled in; and mixed up with a lot of pent up emotions. Now that I think about it I did began doing this once I stopped writing or socializing and just played games. Online I started on mic being vulgar and competitive...then quiet with occasional vulgar outbursts. Day 2 almost done. It's been great to think clearly, checked out a lot of interesting, positive activities. Happy to have done something else than play for hours.
  12. Thanks Cam! I am bored. But I am pulling through.
  13. Thanks giblets. Took a look at your journal, really helps me stay in track with Day 1.
  14. Day 1, I have the PS4 in front of me and I want to play Overwatch. Decide to come here instead>post>put game away. I'm going to overcome this. Damn this is a real challenge. One day at a time. I hate my life. I'm a 30 year old man who has spent the least 15 years playing A LOT of games. I made a lot of bad choices. I listened to the wrong people, followed the wrong advice, I never allowed myself my own choice. My own decision. The last five years have taken major health toll on my body. My hands and wrist ached more, my eyes hurt, and my knees hurt a lot. Just ignored all these things and kept playing. I work enough to provide me what I need to get my gaming going. Nothing else matters. These past few days I have really been wondering one thing. What is my purpose? Surely if I wanted to be a streamer I would have done it already. I have tried... but I have not tried my best. I just play... and I can be incredibly good too... but I do not make money off it. So what the fuck am I doing. I never took the time to look myself in the mirror. I have always seen the avatars I play. They were the biggest part of my life. I ate, slept, and worked because I had too. A day after my 30th birthday.. I finally allowed myself to think on my own. What the fuck. I am living under my woman's parents home. That's fucking low. I would've rather be a neckbeard living with roomates.. but under her families home. I wasn't even pleasant because all I wanted to do was play. Fuck responsibilities. A lot of my recent memories revolve around the games I played and a job I don't want. That's not the life I want. I have taken many steps to get my life in order. Since my 30th, I moved us into our apartment. I got a stable job back (which I FUCKING HATE!), and now I am taclking the hardest task ever. GIVING UP GAMES. OMFG. FUCK. My life was games. Half of my last 15 living years have been games. I really don't know what to expect. I'm surely aiming for productivity, and happiness.
  15. This shit is incredibly hard. I love games. I am 30, but most of my memories revolve around my video games experiences or shit at work. ... Pretty fucking hooked. Somehow for a hardcore addict, I have a girlfriend, part time job, and our apartment. Nothing fancy, just enough to get by. I was playing two nights ago... and I realized. I am an addict.