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Everything posted by ChewyChickenBones

  1. One day at a time. Grateful to live, this site, food, family, medicine, water, hear, see, listen, learn, read, decide, heal, and my courage.
  2. I am playing with no passion. It makes this feel.. empty. Not thinking clearly, and staying still. Ugh.. I'm thinking that getting off games will spark up that anxiety again. Thing is... if I do not face real life, I'll never overcome this. I really thought the detox would fix it all. In my experience it juat showed me how much I closed my world. I really like all the progress I made in real life. I am going to continue. As much as it pains me... I'll unplug again. Time to keep working on life.
  3. I was more excited waiting to play during the detox. It has been ok, it is fun to team up with friends again. The familiar ambience, it was nice to be there. I let myself go yesterday. 1 hour turned into a whole day. Time flew by but my mind felt numb. I had barely eaten well, exercised, never saw the daylight.. I even skipped a shower. Just played.. I can live that life again but it does not serve me. That anxiety was dead yesterday. My mind was focused on games... but that is not the way I want to deal with it. What drove me to move around during the detox was using all that anxiety to do something. I could not stay still.
  4. Taking responsibility for my actions. It's been hard to accept. I am grateful I completed the detox, I gamed today, food, girl, car, hear, talk, see, walk, think, change and apply.
  5. Day 90 Almost there. One more day to win. I am grateful to live, breathe, eat, walk, think, listen, talk, my apartment, job, this site, and water.
  6. Hope you're doing well simms. Whrn my anxiety kicks in, I use the resources available. The journal is a good way to channel some of that energy.
  7. Day 89 MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Day 90 is close. Excited to return with the ambition and goal to make money in the industry. Watching two friends stream atm. Their life-work balance inspires me. Today was another good day at work. The customer service personality is fading away. I'm just being myself. I am taking action to learn at work. I know that as I gain more confidence, my true person comes out. @Cam Adair your book is very well structured. I would have gotten lazy if I did not have that guidance. Paying for the book really helped me pay attention, takes notes, and learn. The variety of resources available are great too. I am grateful for this site.
  8. Thank you. Day 87 As the detox nears it's final days... i realize how hard I have been to myself. I create scenarios... and it always involved conflict. I felt overwhelmed. Expected to be scoured or questioned about my decision to game again. It makes my stomach twist to admit that. I'm preparing to go back to gaming. Returning back focused because being involved in this industry is my dream. My struggles were beyond playing too much. It was from allowing others to decide for me. It was that or conflict. To make my own choices has been damn hard. Whether or not I make a success from gaming, I want to at least know the satisfaction that I tried. That I choose to do something for myself. I am grateful for this fucking site. Thanks for having a lot of tools available. The articles, videos, this forum, damn it made me feel like this 90 day detox was easy. Grateful for water, human thought, emotion, life, sight, vision, speech, art, communication and existence. Grateful for breakfast!
  9. Man, sorry about your girlfriend. Welcome to the forums, check out Respawn. A lot of good stuff there.
  10. It's hard to admit I will go back to gaming on this site. Knowing that I have done well in this challenge, I start to think that if I stay off 90 days, I can control games. Damn it, it's itting me hard on the final days.
  11. @Cam Adair New title - ChewyChickenBones journal and vlog. If can, edit the first post so I with a link to the vlog playlist. 90 DAYS OF NO GAMES: Day 77-78 Grateful for another day of life. Grateful to have food, to listen, see, hear, walk, talk, eat, food and family. It's been harder to post and vlog after mom passed away but it's because I have a lot more things to do now. Getting used to managing my time with more tasks.
  12. Day 76 Definitely need a laptop. Use a netbook but it has a lot of problems that no amount of resets seem to fix. :[ @Cam Adair made an unbelievably personal post this week. The fact that he is willing to expose so much of his vulnerability. Brother, it is inspiring. Keep going. Your e-mail with @Hitaru quote is really damn good. Been keeping a vlog series where I keep track of my 90 day detox... I kept it private to share it with family and friends, but you two have inspired me to share it with the world. Facebook/YouTube - HellDragonDante Facebook.com/HellDragonDante Grateful to exist, live, breathe, walk, talk, see, listen, hear, talk and water. >>>>>>>>>>>>> How do I edit the title of the journal? Not able to edit the first post.
  13. Day 75 Grateful to exist, live, read, write, walk, talk, listen, read, learn, taste, and see. Waking up a lot more grateful for the things in life and the progress each day brings. The battle with gastritis varies by individual. There is no clear cut solution as the symptoms and food tolerances are different for each person. My own journey is moving gradually, making better food choices and got some doctor and GI appointments this week. 15 days left!!
  14. Day 72-74 Researching. Reading. Learning. It's gone from scoring great deals on mint condition used games to scouting thrifts store for books. Been looking for a location to relax and read books in peace. Have not felt comfortable at home ever since the shooting. Can't help but be vigilant to the activity outside. Prefer to leave the place in search of a relaxing place. Love the FLCL is getting season 2 and 3! Really like that series. Grateful for another day of life, read, write, walk, talk, see, listen, hear, taste, and sleep.
  15. Day 59-71 Been away for a while. Life has changed a lot. Mum is eternally resting. Witnessed her last breath. Pressed the button to start the cremation process. Tossed a handful of dirt on her pyramid vault. Life. Death. Love. Memory. Gastritis. Anxiety. There's a link between these two. They feed off each other! The anxiety makes the abdomen/stomach feel worse and gastritis is the root source of the anxiety. It's a vicious cycle, and it shall be defeated!
  16. Day 55-58 Currently at the ER. Abdominal pain is not going away, and eating anything messes me up more. With all these life events going on... all that I'm asking myself is: WHAT'S NEXT?! 32 days left to finish the detox. 37 days to end the year. Determined to take care of my body! Time is finite. Will continue to invest in myself. My real life was a freaking mess! Cleaning it up one step at a time. One day at a time.
  17. Day 54 Emotional rollercoaster of a day. Don't want to get into details, but it all worked out in the end. My anxiety is way less now that I am on this detox.. but it's more than just this detox. This year I have done immense changes in my life to eliminate the triggers, and to acknowledge that some were/are nothing more than cognitive distortions. Gradual growth, that is what this year has been for me, and looking forward everyday to grow and advance. The few times I have lost my cool tho... I'm still learning to deal with it. Not running away, or numbing it, but actually facing it. It's still not an easy thing to do. Was looking at some old messages... the broadband internet was complete BS in this neighborhood. Took several months, calls, time, patience, and persistence.... but they did it. This (ex)gamer was pissed off that his games were laggy, so he kept persisting until the engineers fixed the lines. Feels like this was my first experience with persistence, and patience it paid off... funny thing is I began the detox a little after the broadband lines were fixed. Didn't enjoy it much, however trading my addiction to get my life back is something I am very happy to have done. Grateful for this support group, strength, patience, persistence, faith, truth, power, courage, water, walk, live, breathe, listen, and reading.
  18. @dirkj3 Took the triple therapy when diagnosed. The pesky bugger is still there. Had ultrasounds taken and have more doctor visits set up for the rest of the year. Determined to heal! Day 49-53 2017 has been a heck of year. How will the year end? Who knows, one day at a time. Faced a lot of challenges this week, wanted to run away from it all. Wanted to hop on a quick game, smoke, drink, anything that was not dealing with this! Instead, pushed through it and well.. it's actually not as difficult as my thoughts made it seem. Being trapped in those negative thoughts were actually more hell than actually facing this! It has not been easy or quick, it's been a gradual growth. One day at a time, one step at a time! Video games... as my life and priorities are changing, can't help but wonder if I should even game at all. Time is finite, the time devoted on games will never return.
  19. Day 45-48 Halfway done. Yes!!! It's been a rough week, but I've also been putting in a lot of work! Truly, truly grateful for family and friends. Their support is helping me a lot. Each day getting closer to getting the funds needed for mums funeral. My family did not talk about it.. dismissed it... be prepared for your funeral! Grateful to be home, meditation, family, friends, ice cream, patience, persistence, faith, strength, courage, power, and honesty.
  20. Day 42-44 Funeral arrangements... they really are a learning experience. Taking my time so mum's remains are buried in a location where she will be treated with respect. All of the cemeteries nearby our family are horrendous. Financially the family does not have the funds for it. Not rushing anything, looking and gathering more resources. One step at a time. Life on life terms. If it weren't for the detox.. I'd probably be high and gaming. The appeal was immense, but it was a very sad life. To use all this time and energy to learn, grow stronger, and progress for a better life. No amount of online achievements compare to it. Grateful to exist, strength, willpower, support, walk, see, hear, listen, read, family, and meditation.
  21. Day 41 The death of my mom was... incredible really. She was suffering, her organs had shut down and we made the best choice for her. The staff in the ICU was kind and understanding. My family prayed, singed, cried, laughed, and supported each other. It was great getting to meet family again. Mum's final moments... one hell of an intense moment that was shared by everyone around her bedside. After taking her off the ventilator, her heartbeat slowing down, holding her warm hand one last time, witnessing her last breath. What a way to have her leave this physical world, surrounded by loved ones. This is not good bye, for she will live in our memories. If there is another life after we depart the physical world, I'll see you there mom. Grateful to exist, strength, see, listen, hear, talk, meditation, music, reading, and my girl for regardless of the stupid shit we fight over,being with me during this.
  22. Thanks much @Hitaru! Always great insight. Day 40 Mum is eternally resting. It's a lot to fucking process. I'll be back tomorrow.
  23. Day 39 Fate? A higher power? Coincidence? My mum is in the ICU in septic shock. May not make it. Another big life event that happens to take place during my detox. This is a painful, stressful and sad part of my life I would numb with my addiction. Best thing I have learned during my detox is to take it a day at a time. Some days will be really, really tough. Grounding myself constantly, not pushing others away, and dealing with all the emotions. Grateful to exist, strength, listen, see, hear, walk, talk, support, willpower, and persistence.
  24. Hi Hayden, welcome to the forums. Brother, trust me. With Blizzcon going on, these are some rough moments to live through with no gaming or knowing what the new releases are. There will always be another Blizzcon, another expansion, but only one of you.
  25. Day 38 Gaming... with all the progress that has been made I feel like I am ready to dive back in. When I found out that my two favorite YouTubers were having a meet and greet at Blizzcon I jumped at the opportunity. Getting to meet them, meeting/socializing with nice congoers...of course it feels great! It's the opposite of what I was used to.. these are new and wonderful experiences related to gaming. That being said, I realize that my past relationship with gaming was one of addiction. My heart still has a deep calling to become an established streamer within that community... I keep wondering if this detox will go past 90 days so I can have a better relationship with games or if I will have to just stay clear off games altogether? One day at a time. I will finish this detox. Grateful to keep pushing myself to beat this anxiety, to exist, live, breathe, see, listen, hear, talk, read, and the determination to make change in life!!