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Everything posted by dahankus

  1. It has been some moths after my second detox, and I have been having cravings related to a game that came out. And yesterday I was reviewing old CD's and DVD's and some didn't had a name, so I wanted to check what was on them. I found some old games, from 15 years ago... one caught my attention and I installed it. Played an hour. It was terrible. It didn't had essence of any kind, and I was happy to uninstall it. Then I got curious so I installed Minecraft, just to check how it felt, as it is the last game I own from my gaming days. And I played for about 30 mins. I made a quick underground base, got some tools, checked out some new stuff to build... and it was boring, like really fucking boring. Whenever I thought of something to do in game, a feeling of tediousness came over me, and the question "What is the point, this isn't even fun" so I uninstalled it as well. I think my life has changed so much, that my gamer personality doesn't have a place anymore. I get the cravings, but the promise of fun, and engagement is empty. I will have no fun nor will I be able to engage myself in the game, because I have more pressing and important shit to take care of, stuff that matters to me and my future self. One step closer in the direction of my choosing. This was a slip, but I think it was a very important moment. From now on, my cravings will have a weaker impact on my life, as I proved that their promise is a lie. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  2. Day 104. Been very productive but haven't seen or haven't perceived my progress (I am sure there is progress but its not quick enough to cause a flood of dopamine), and I think this is fueling my cravings. I am not sure how else to articulate this surge of cravings for gaming. Its like wanting my fix of gaming, and its really annoying. I almost fell for it today. Had to write this entry to remind myself of what is going on, and what lies my mind will generate to feel that high again. I will not fall for it. I am stronger that this. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  3. Welcome! We are all here to have a more satisfying life, and it really pays off to sacrifice our gaming for that goal. It takes time, and consistency in reminding yourself what you are doing and why. That's where the journal comes in very handy. Good luck!
  4. Day 90. Habits completed counter: 66 It's done, again. Detox complete. It was easier than last time, maybe because I deleted everything and sold my graphics card XD. I have progressed a lot during this 3 months, in many areas of my life. Many changes have happen, and I stood and faced them head on, and it all turned out great. Thanks to everyone for your support. Wish you all the best, and good luck with your lives. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  5. Day 89. Habits completed counter: 65 First night at new place. My back hurts from carrying everything. But I am happy, everything turned out alright. In the gamines department I feel more confident now, provided by the recent slap I got from @katsudo19 Thank you for that. Some times all you need is someones attention. So today is Saturday, and Its going to be busy, so lets get to work 😄 I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  6. Day 88. Habits completed counter: 64 I feel torn in two. One part of me wants to experience some games, while the other doesn't want to come back to games at all. Why? I want to play because while playing I adopt a different mind and I can rest for a while from the mind processes of every day life. I want to play because it is a quick and easy way of experiencing progress and achievement. I want to play because it allows me to experience feelings I don't experience in every day life. I don't want to play when the game occupies more space in my mind than it should. I don't want to play when there are things that need my attention in my life, family, work or my house. I don't want to play when the game doesn't give me enough joy to justify the time I put into it. I don't want to play because it really is of no use to anything I don't want to play because I feel its just a waste of time, and there is always more productive ways to spend the time. I don't want to play because no matter how many great experiences I gather in game, they will not translate to a better life outside of the game. I don't want to play because it brings nothing good to the people I care about Now the path is clear. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  7. Damn you bearer of truth!! Indeed I am a fool. It was foolish of me to give into this mindset. Thank you for this.
  8. Day 87. Habits completed counter: 63 Yesterday I thought to myself that the 90 days are almost done, and so I can play something guilt free. Sure, why not. But play what? For how long, and why? So I started looking through the games i used to spend most time with, which I would have to buy again. None of them seemed attractive enough to actually go through the effort of buying, installing and finding the time to play. NONE of them!! Which is awesome. Also this gives me high hopes for maybe playing the few games I really want to experience, and this has nothing to do with the addiction, its more like wanting to experience a movie or a book. Right now I have just two of those games on my mind, and they have not come out yet, so I am left free. The cravings lost their power, because the gaming part has lost its attractiveness once I faced the prospect of actually going through with it. We will see what the future will bring. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  9. Day 86. Habits completed counter: 62 The more I keep busy the less I think of games. I have been having difficulty finding meaningful tasks. Maybe once we get settled in, something will come up. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  10. Welcome! Great vision. Removing games is going to be hard, but at your age is the best possible thing you could be doing. Remove them entirely, and focus on learning new stuff and workout. The girlfriend and friends will come on their own if you just focus on this two things. Workout and learn something new every day. Read or listen to Atomic Habits, amazing book, if only I knew its contents at 18. You can do it man. Slow and steady. Remember that relapsing is not bad if you get back to doing the right thing. Good luck!
  11. Day 85. Habits completed counter: 61 PC at home is up and running, yay! Games have come back to my mind, stronger and stronger. Its very strange. I need more stuff to engage into. Interesting stuff, useful stuff. I am nor a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  12. Some years ago I got hooked on Mushishi. Really amazing little series. Just the way I like them, deep. I haven't watched anything lately.
  13. Days 82,83,84. Habits completed counter: 60 I hope the parts to fix my PC arrive today. I have been keeping busy anyway I can, I ended up designing a strategy game idea. I don't exactly know why a game, but it came with such a "need" do be manifested that I could not help myself but to write it down. It turned out to be an interesting concept to be honest. I will put it with the other dozens of great ideas that might never see the day of light. This week is the last week in my apartment, we will be moving on Friday, so I am starting another crazy week of June. Going strong for the 90 day mark!! I am nor a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  14. Days 80,81. Habits completed counter: 58 No PC at home is hard, especially when its a off day from work. I watched the "return of the king" extended edition, and it has been a while since my last watch, and wow, my way of thinking has changes a lot since that time. For one, the film wasn't as enjoyable and some times annoying. Having so much unoccupied time made me realize the extent of my dependence on technology, and it scares the shit out of me. I can't visualize a future without a PC, I have no idea what to do if I don't have an extension into the virtual world. It's so strange. Even if I want to find something that interests me enough to leave the digital behind, I can't visualize anything except emptiness. Its probably natural to feel this way, after such a long time plugged in. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  15. Hello. You sir, are amazing. Disconnecting the internet from the house! that's genius! Have you deleted steam account, and sold all the games and consoles? All those things will make it almost impossible to get into the habits you want to remove from your life. Now you will have a huge hole to fill. You will experience a lot of negative emotions, and you know that. The initial phase is always the worst. There are many good books out there that have helped me rise. Atomic Habits, and 12 rules for life. Give them a read or a listen, they are on audible. Don't worry about your age, I started to rise after 30. And almost 3 years later I cant recognize myself or my thoughts. Even if I relapse, its not such a big deal, The trick is to make most of the days great, not all of them. We are not supermen, and we must allow ourselves to fall, but must never stay down. Good luck.
  16. Day 79. Habits completed counter: 57 Crazy days..... but I love it. So much progress, so much activity. My home pc broke down yesterday, it turns on all the lights but there is no initial "Beep" nor display on monitors, and a small red CPU LED is glowing near the CPU. Going to switch out my power supply, I hope that that os all that it is, otherwise I am going ot have to conjure extra money for new parts or laptop. Shit happens, I will deal with it. I get the occasional nostalgia feeling for games, but nothing special. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  17. I don't believe in the things that cannot be proven, but thanks for the good will.
  18. Day 78. Habits completed counter: 56 Oh how I miss the isolation and calm of watching the map of the world, and seeing my decisions influence the future of a simulation. So simple, so irrelevant... Oh how I miss the lack of responsibility that allowed me to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and not wanting anything at all... having nothing to do, no one to meet, no problem to solve, except my own irrelevance in existence. No meaning or place to be, just right there, hanging... looking straight into the void, allowing the void to stare back. It seems so unreal now. How could I allow that, to go on for as long as it did... Never again. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  19. Day 77. Habits completed counter: 55 So pumped up!! this week is going to be amazing. So much cool stuff to learn and hard things to do!! I have been thinking about maybe playing some day in the future, and as long as I still want it then, then maybe I will. Until then, no games. Keeping busy is key. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  20. What do you mean?? Isn't there anything about your life that you can, and would fix? A small thing? There has to be, otherwise you would be living in heaven, which is impossible. Then if there is such a thing, is fixing it meaningless when it makes your reality that little bit better? And if you actually fix that small thing, wouldn't it be even better to find another small thing to fix?? Is fixing ten of this small things meaningless, when it makes your reality that much better? What things can you fix? Start with this: Do one of the things in your room that requires your attention, and that you have been postponing indefinitely. When you run out of things to do in your own room, do the hallway, then the kitchen, ... then maybe switch to your family, are you holding a grudge? can you fix that?? And it doesn't matter if you play a game or not. Excessive gaming is a symptom, not a problem. Meaning in life is in right action. We all know who we wish we would be or how we wish we would behave. Going from now to that ideal IS MEANINGFUL! That striving for something better is what gives live its meaning, the fight against entropy and the void. But why? you may ask... because you are the only one that can. Only a human can fight entropy, to make reality just a little bit less horrible. And that, my friend, is why picking that trash off the street as you walk by, is meaningful. It changes reality into something better. Can't you imagine a world where you would proactively make the world better? How would that world feel like to you? How wold you feel as you wake up in the morning? How can that be meaningless?
  21. Day 76. Habits completed counter: 54 I am feeling that the momentum, of positive action, is starting to push me forward on its own, and not so much willpower is needed as before. And the feeling of accomplishment is even greater. It feels great to embody, at least partially, your own ideal. That was interesting. Right now, after writing that I realized how sneaky this addicted personality is, lol. This diary is very useful to catch rouge thoughts before they poison the rest of the mind 🙂 I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  22. Day 75. Habits completed counter: 52 Leaving a very productive week behind. Can't wait for the next one, it feels so great to move forward. And for anyone out there, spending 30 min a day, studying something is unbelievable!!! It changes the mind in incredible ways, always improving ideas and behavior. Constant improvement, that is key. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  23. Day 74. Habits completed counter: 51 I am trying hard to keep up with everything, and the effects are starting to accumulate. I feel the strength of cravings to play something get stronger the more responsibility I take on my shoulders. Everything is going in a beautiful direction, right where I am aiming at. I feel I am right in the middle of the road, the right place, not too comfortable and not to chaotic. Now the challenge is not to stray from it. I will do my best. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  24. Day 73. Habits completed counter: 49 I had a deep realization that even if I wanted, like really wanted to play one of my favorite games, I would not be able... they are gone....I have no games at all! Its amazing how strong that fact is. I have been contemplating Cyberpunk and the possibility of playing it in a few years, and with that, cravings for other games crept in, but They don't exist anymore. They are gone. This makes me feel somehow sad for some reason, even if that was my decision and it was a good one. I have to put attention to this feelings and thoughts, acknowledge them, and move on. Other things are going great, everything is moving forward, slowly, but constantly. I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
  25. Day 72. Habits completed counter: 47 Another down wave came upon me. Will surely clear soon. I was working on a problem yesterday at work and couldn't find a solution, will try again today. Keeping with the learning habit every day at least 30 min, its great, I can feel my possibilities growing, now I need experience applying it. For a couple of months I had been contemplating the idea of the "shadow" in depth psychology, I wanted to remember moment where this shadow took over, so that I may identify it, then recognize it when it appears, and maybe integrate it as a part of me. I have no idea where to start with that, but I found some memories of early childhood where I did some very stupid things that clearly point toward this shadow. So Its some progress in that area, 🙂 I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.
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