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Andrew536

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About Andrew536

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  1. Hi guys, Where do I start? I guess by introducing myself. I'm a 29 year old New Zealander currently living in the Gold Coast, Australia. I have been addicted to porn and gaming for at least 17 years, since the age of 12. I have been trying to quit both since the age of 22. My max streak porn free is 39 days. My max streak for game free is about 14 days. I was in the army for 4 and a half years from the age of 19 and after that, I started skydiving. I packed parachutes for 2 years, filmed tandems for 2 years and then became a tandem instructor for 1 and a half years. I then came to Australia 2 years ago for a holiday with my now ex-girlfriend (we broke up shortly after I arrived in the country). I decided instead of going back home I would stay and get my paragliding licence. I got a shitty warehouse job and went and got my paragliding licence (something I'd always wanted to do). Wrecked my back lifting heavy stuff so left that job. 9 months ago I started a diploma in paramedic science and I have been working 18 hours a week collecting trolleys to pay the bills. I haven't studied in 6 months and have until next May to complete the diploma. I am also $7000 in debt and living week to week barely scraping by. When I look back at my life to see what I've accomplished I get severely depressed. I left skydiving to pursue a more meaningful life. I want to help people but I can't even help myself. I have had depression, anxiety and PIED. I have bouts where I have very pervasive suicidal thoughts. I wrote a suicide letter once and I even stood on the outside railing of a bridge in the middle of the night 2 years ago, let go, and only just caught the railing again before I fell. I would not call myself suicidal now though and have not taken things that far ever since. 5 years ago is when I discovered Your Brain on Porn and watched the video where Gary Wilson explains the science behind porn addiction. Around that same time is when I realised that gaming had similar effects for me minus the PIED. Both are forms of escape. Both hijack the reward circuitry and both can be consumed in limitless amounts. When I learned that porn and gaming addiction we're a thing, I was relieved to find out that all my symptoms were fully reversible. 5 years later I am no closer to quitting, have not accomplished any major goals and have lived in a basic state of misery. I know the theory behind quitting successfully and have consumed more content on the topic than I care to admit. Yet, I still always relapse. I know why I do what I do and that I need to replace my addiction with activities that fulfil the same needs yet I still always relapse. I think the missing link is self-love. I'm always so hard on myself when I make the smallest mistake. I know the negative self-talk is not helpful and I have tried to force myself to be more positive but how can I possibly love myself when I view myself as a failure? I feel as if I've wasted my whole life and am waiting for it to start even though I'm nearly 30. I feel like I have so much un-realised potential but keep self-sabotaging every time I start to make progress. Just now, I have scheduled my at home internet to be disconnected tomorrow so that there is no way I can game and I am forced to go to the library to study. I'm not sure exactly why I'm writing this but I guess I just don't want to feel like I'm the only one struggling with this.
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