Zala

Even if you do fail, why not give it a go? Maybe it's like with smoking, even if you go back to smoking, your body gets a break from poison for a couple of days, weeks, months ...

Eat when you are hungry, drink, do some exercise, sleep at normal hours. You wouldn't stay in the dark the whole night without electricity, right? What would you even do? Keep in mind some of the inventions are very young and our bodies haven't changed as much. Try to be a good animal first.

Started working at a new job and after a week it doesn't look good. I feel like a total failure. I mean who manages to lose two jobs in such a short time? I keep thinking I had jobs before and I did them well. And the thing is: I'm a hard worker, I'm not totally dumb, I am ready to learn, punctual, easy-going (if anything I'm too nice). It should be enough to keep a job right? Obviously not. Nothing was said yet but the signs from my previous job are already here. I'm thinking of actually resigning, because I really don't feel good about how they do their business. But I feel like I will fell back into a dark place if I do that. I don't have another job to return to.

Glad you're back

I'm not sure I understand. Would you mind explaining that a little bit. So the projects have to be connected? Or just random but connected to my life? And I should only make plans for 4 weeks in advance? I know that I should focus on something, I can't even remember when I did something on my own for a couple of weeks. Without distractions. Binge watching is the only thing I've been able to stick to for months Without outside "force" like signing up for a class and following the program. Can't sign up for a new German class atm.

When do you get rid of this guilt and feeling like shit? I try to live in the moment, "now", but since I've been doing it for a while, a pattern still emerges. I can't help but notice what people did in the last five years and my progress. I know others have problems and set backs as well. I know even children can set women back as far as career goes. Still I can't escape this feeling that it's too late for me to make something of myself and be happy with myself. Still fighting binge watching&browsing. But doing good on the no gaming part.

Welcome back!

Unexpected free day: is there a chance of meeting someone, visiting a family member? Anything to get you away from games? Great that you have broken your bike, keep riding!

Stationary bike is a good idea! I heard a lot of nasty comments from our visitors and how it's just a "clothes rack" and why did we buy it. For me it is one of the best things, great for cold and/or rainy weather and lazy Sundays. Anything to get you moving! Make the right choices as easy as possible. Maybe listen to a podcast, watch Cam on youtube while you are on it, virtual races can also be cool. Stay strong, get back on track. You don't need this. It's hard as hell to restart!! But I think you can find the strength!

@Megaman I didn't want to litter Hitaru's diary with my long answer. So I just posted it in my diary. Oh yes and go Hitaru!!

@Megaman About needing money: Food: How long can you live eating only berries and roots? And in some countries you can't really do that. Every forest, field, garden belongs to someone or something. If it's not yours, you can't take it. In my country people go to the forest, collect pounds of mushrooms and then sell it. But collecting more than a couple of pounds is actually forbidden, and can get you in trouble and loads of people get fined. Plus selling something without paying taxes is also a problem. Like @Hitaru said eating this way can be dangerous in many ways. Accommodation: In most countries you actually need a firm address to get a valid passport. So that they can find you and fine you if you collect too many berries for example. Or have a tent where you are not supposed to. I have a couple of good friends but I imagine most of them wouldn't want to support me for more than a year if I didn't have a plan for the future. And I doubt "finding myself" would count as a good plan. If you live off people who have money because they do work their 9-17 job, you tend to lose friends and family. I personally would like to have good relations with my family&friends. Whatever they do is probably not their dream job, maybe they would also like to find themselves at least in their spare time, instead of supporting me. And I'm not sure how I would help them. If they don't own a land and need an extra pair of hands chance is, they do just fine on their own. How much time have you actually spent in a tent? In the rain, cold, with no cooked meal for a couple of weeks? I used to be a girl scout, it's not all fun and games and can be very stressful. Traveling: I don't know about this German guy. I know a lot of people in other countries are able to live on a dollar or less per day. But most of them have to work for that money as well. And being this world traveler can be done for a while I guess. If you don't mind living of other people's kindness and at the expense of others. But what happens when you want to settle down, start a family? Or if you get sick, injured and need medical help? So which bills? How about running water, electricity, heat, health insurance, taxes, proper food to begin with. And maybe internet for this lovely community and finding information about? Yes you can live or at least survive without these privileges and a lot of people do. But talking about is, as romantic as it sounds, doesn't make sense in the long run and is definitely not for everyone. I'm not saying all people who have money are happy. Or that people with no money are miserable. I'm sure there is a bunch of happy homeless people and some even may be homeless by choice. But if you feel safe and don't have to worry about your next meal and where it will come from, does a lot for feeling content if not happy. And @Hitaru lives in what I would consider not ideal family situation. And I don't think there is anything wrong with deciding to pursue a job for the sake of having a job and some money. I believe that is true for anybody. Perhaps not living at home is the right first step for him and his work, journey in finding his purpose. But I agree with you, there is nothing wrong with living on the street, moving from one place to another. Or staying at home and playing video games the whole day if it makes you happy. But like you said that's the position of someone who has the money and is in no immediate danger of being poisoned, attacked, hungry for days or ending up in a hospital with a bunch of bills he can't pay. This community and optimism I think this community sometimes goes to far in what I would call "optimism&finding life purpose" kind of thinking. I sometimes think it's good news we all want to hear. And it helps to an extent. It helps most of us to stop gaming, helps us get more involved with the world outside of gaming. But the sad reality is, I think, that a lot of people don't find their life purpose or if they find it, they die before reaching it. And I doubt it's from the lack of trying or thinking about it. It might simply be due to differences between us and life waiting with a hammer behind every corner. It's ok to tell a 5 year old kid that he/she can be anything and can achieve anything. Saying that to a 20+ year old is a bit strange. Because the fact is, as far as being smart, handy, attractive, having social skills etc. we are on a scale, we are different. There is nothing wrong with that. But I think that also means that not all and not everyone can be really successful. And I'm getting to a point where I don't believe finding a thing, this Thing that is right for you to do, is the problem. I used to think that if I'm not successful at doing something after I've done it for a while, it's only because I haven't found the right Thing for me. I no longer think that this is true. But I stand to be corrected. Till then I will believe in a daily grind doing pretty much anything. And being pleased with doing ok at whatever I end up doing. At this point I'm trying to be the best job seeker I can be, so this is my position and perspective.

I hate being a party pooper but: Who pays your bills&food during the time you are trying to create a job?

Fuzzy brain Doing good on the no gaming, activity, German fields. A little better at random browsing, fb as well. But definitely still not ok on videos&youtube. I don't know. Since we've moved to another country I kind of feel different, strange. Like my brain is extra fuzzy. At first I thought it was mostly because of the gaming, but the fuzz is still here after 90+ days. I am eating healthy, I'm socializing. I'm 30+ so maybe it's normal not to feel so sharp anymore. But I really hope this habit of watching one meaningless video after the other hasn't permanently screwed up my brain. I know I have a lot of learning left to do, so I'm kind of panicking and thinking if there's something wrong with me. I'm often afraid my memory is all filled up. No data space left, no chance of getting an upgrade. Language&strangeness Maybe it has something to do with me being away from my language. I do speak in my mothers tongue every day with my hubby, and with at least one friend or a relative. But coming from the world of books, cultural events, thoughts about history, daily talks about literature, science ... I went to nothing. And in English and German I simply lack the vocabulary to think. I spoke to a couple of foreigners here about feeling disconnected from myself, wondering if others have the same feelings and if it passes. Obviously that's a hard conversation to have in a foreign language, I feel like I couldn't really explain it. I remember a girl form our German class, she seemed nice but a bit slow. No biggy. But after a couple of weeks during our break she started to talk to me in English. Only then I have realized, that she is this sweet, smart, confident person. And it got me thinking, who knows what others think of me, when I try to talk to them in German (or English for that matter). How do I seem? Maybe that is why I'm not doing everything I can to integrate into this new environment. I'm already not myself every time I'm around other people. At least I feel like myself when I'm alone.

Sorry to hear that Hitaru. I am also obsessing about income, feel you. Just keep swimming! Maybe you need another goal, at least a small one, anything that keeps you from digging too deep into that dark hole.

Reward Question: Is it childish to want a reward or feel like you need one? Reasoning: I know I'm a grown-up and I'm supposed to be pleased, content with following my goals and doing a good job. But at the moment, I don't really have an outside source of authority. All I have is me and my goals. There is no boss, parent, church, partner, child, neighbor, pet etc. telling me what to do. So I set goals for myself. Goals that should bring me to a better life at least in the long run. Ok. I try to give myself a pat on the back, something sweet, a break from work, a walk in the park, feeding ducks and all of this. I even allow myself to enjoy other friendly people. Call my mom or my friend, making them happy too. But still, I feel like I need a bigger reward or more feedback from ... the world? Someone? Since I might be wrong about "bigger picture" and I'm not enjoying the present I should at least get a reward of some kind. As a compensation. So that perhaps if I'm making a mistake, at least I enjoy my reward for working hard. Problem: I keep rethinking the goals. And I know it's not about the goals or rules that I invented to get to those goals. If I'm not persistent I won't be able to achieve any goals, either they are good or bad. Does that make sense? So what's the solution. Just keep doing something, whether I like it or not? But which thing exactly? - There are a lot of things society is advising me to do and that I don't enjoy doing.

I learn a lot from reading other people entries. I'm often not sure if I understand them but they sure are interesting. I like following other people's progress and journeys. But sometimes I just kidnap their idea and make it all about me. Today a couple of things jumped out. @Hitaru said in his diary. "Uhm... nice day for quitting games today it is, right...?" and before that "I'll get rid of them as I get rid of everything else eventually" That wasn't the main focus of his paragraph but it got me thinking. It's what I do every evening. I ask myself "Tomorrow is a good day to start, right?" Does it have rounded numbers? Is it easy to remember? Is it connected to some event, someone's birthday, anniversary or to me figuring out something important? Even though I failed at my decisions so many times, I still think that the first day is very important. Even though I had so many "first days" at doing something, I still think that there is this great power connected to the first day. But to be honest, I don't even remember the first day that I stopped playing the game I've been obsessed with for months. I know it was in May and a couple of years ago but no idea about the exact date. I think I should stop waiting for the first days and just focus on the rest of them. @giblets said in another diary: "The theme here and what I always ask myself is what is the intent behind your actions, are your actions designed to help you create now or create in the future, and if so they are the same. If the intent behind your actions is to hide or defer from doing something else, then you are consuming or being counter productive. " That's my problem, I think. I look for stuff to do with the intent that it will help me create now or in the future. And it starts out that way. But after a week I just try to stay with it, because it is something that keeps me away from bad habits. It's not really important to me. I try to like doing it just so that I don't have to go back to what I used to do. And that makes everything feel very unimportant. It doesn't matter if I paint, write, read, do sports, cook ... these are all activities that help in keeping me away from gaming and binge watching. That's their meaning and purpose. I'm not sure how to get out of this trap. I guess if I actually stuck to them for a while, they would become more meaningful, but what do I do till then? Thankful for a response from two friends/acquaintances. They both completely ignored my nagging/complaining this morning. Yes, it has come to that. I don't think I'm able to connect to people like I used to. I'm stuck in my head a lot when I'm alone and I'm alone a lot. But instead of taking a break from it, when I'm with other people, I just keep going. Expecting or hoping that they will have some magical solution, idea about how to solve my problems. That they will help me live with myself. But when they ignore me or suggest something, I get nervous, impatient, angry. Because "things are not that simple". I used to be a good listener and I enjoyed spending time with others. Now it's similar to being alone and I dread meeting with others, because it will be talking about my problems all over again. Oh the irony! You know that question How are you doing? I used to be able to just say "fine" and go on. Now if I do that I feel awful and it feels like lying. So I go into long explanation. And think to myself the whole time, just shut up, no one wants to hear it. I definitely don't want to hear it but I still keep doing it. Not doing great on the goals nr. 3, 4.

Just came here to give you a thumbs up and ask: Any news?

+1 I think I can allow myself to feel happy for a couple of minutes. The greatest achievement is, that I am less anxious, less afraid of games and even conversations about gaming. I don't get nervous when I walk past the PS screen in a store or when I notice someone on a bus playing a game that I used to enjoy. Now when someone talks about playing games I don't feel left out, angry, nervous and I don't feel like I'm missing a big part of reality or our world. I just feel like it's this "thing" that I don't want to do anymore. I am still trying to find something meaningful, something I'm good at, (or) that I enjoy. My activities are a bit scattered at the moment but I hope I will soon find something that will stick.

Thank you: Giving it a try in 30 minutes.

Hello everyone, day 91 in my journey. I decided to start a new diary with a couple of new goals. 5 rules 1) No gaming in any form (pc games, phone, PS). 2) No movies or series when I am alone. 3) No Youtube, imgur, facebook, random browsing and forums (5). 4) 30 minutes of exercise every day (unless I'm sick of course). 5) Learn German. At this point in my life learning German is the key. So if I ever feel confused, lost, bored, lack focus, am lonely or have finished all the daily tasks - I have to go back to reading, writing, listening. Plus try to talk to a real live person every day. 3 exceptions to rule nr. 3: - this forum - 1 hour on Saturday OR Sunday (news!) - yt feed during ironing. I am still looking for a job. I just got another rejection letter. And I actually had a good feeling about this one. Not the best way to start the day. After 90 days I know that if I slip it's not the end of the world.

Sorry for the relapse. I hope you are back on track.

90/90 I guess this is it. I think I will start another topic with new goals. There is a lot of fiber in this diary anyway. Needs cleaning. I desperately need ideas for lonesome meal times. Anyone? I can't just sit down and eat like a freak . I also can't not eat for 12-14 hours. For years I have been watching videos during mealtime. (I of course didn't stop as soon as I stopped eating.) And this will be a very hard habit to kick. As a kid I was reading books, comics but there is always a chance of spilling something. Don't want to ruin books. And yes, I am forced to eat alone. My friends and family are far away, are working or both. And I don't want to eat in a restaurant because it's expensive. And I can't eat my pasta on a bench outside because it's already too cold. I tried talking to myself or just listening to music but I hate it!!

I remember people laughing at my male friend, who said, that his wife was beating him. I didn't laugh and I didn't take it lightly. But generally speaking men are bigger and stronger, physically. And can do a lot of damage. I guess that's one of the reasons why talks about violence are usually made from the female perspective. Maybe I wasn't clear. I imagine it was difficult. And you should be proud of yourself and the way you handled that situation! If it happens again, you know you can handle yourself! But I don't think it's wise to hit your mother or your father, no matter if you are a son or a daughter. And if you were a female I would advice you against hitting your father. Not because of the damage that you could do, but because of what it might do to you and your future. I just don't want you to regret something you said or did after you move away from home. You will be able to make a clear cut if you stick to certain borders. Are you already counting the days till you exam? How long till your next step?

86/90 Four more days. After I reach 90 days I will start a new journal. I hope that's ok / allowed. I think others did it as well. I already made it to 90 and I just disappeared and then I started gaming again. It makes sense to continue with the diary and stay in touch with you guys. But on the other hand new diary would give me a new boost. Plus there is a lot of non productive fiber in my diary, it needs a cleanup to be honest. So I have 4 days to figure out what my new goals are. Not that I haven't been to trying to figure that out already but I'm totally lost. I had loads of privacy scares lately. I think I've shared too much. I'm worried about one person finding out that this is me. But I guess what is done is done. I still hope my story is not that special.

I'm not sure you can control your reactions, emotions. I'm not even sure why you would want to do that. To some extent perhaps. You don't want to hit people, just because they made you feel a certain way. I think that's actually one of the main excuses with men who hit and abuse women. She made me angry, she doesn't know when to shut up, she made me upset ... But on the other hand I think it's quite normal and acceptable to feel angry, upset, sad. I think this perspective is interesting: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/unhappy If you have a deep or long lasting relationship with someone it seems normal that they know you to the core. Sorry if this sounds dumb, but do you know your mother's reasons for pointing out, why are you gaming? I mean did you ask her? Not in the heated moment, maybe later? Maybe her logic is a bit off but it might help you to understand her motivation a little bit better ...