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Posts posted by destoroyah

  1. I love the Tao Te Ching!

    Cool! Happy to read that, Pierce! Haha.

    When you are content to be simply yourself
    and don't compare or compete,
    everybody will respect you."

    I can confirm this, the couple of moments I managed.

    Such a simple description for a complex thing, reduced to its essence. I don't know how to practice the wisdom it conveys, but I think just reading it can put seeds in your mind that grow into something great after some time.


    Also on actualized, yea don't cross people off. They might have some strange ideas, and you don't have to accept everything, but look for the handful of good you can find and let it inspire you. I really need to learn to accept advice and to listen, it's a big challenge for me - being an outsider - because it was never necessary for me. But I'm missing out on many good things, because I'm too stubborn in my own path. It's really difficult and frustrating. People tell me stuff and I always kind of go "yea yea, outta my way!", that's a big mistake. In my mind I quickly turn to "who are you, to tell me what to do??!". Sometimes that's a good thing, it's strong, but it scares people away and slows my growth.

    I hope I can improve on this. I'm usually the one giving advice, telling people "how its done". And my advice is fine and good-hearted, but if I never listen, people will not want to spend time with me after they've discovered the "7 tricks of destoroyah". Because after that,... there's little left I am afraid, when they are not allowed to play a part in my life. What a shame!

    There are many relationships in my life, where I took a patronizing role. I wasn't a complete asshole, but... it was often this "master/student" thing. Oftentimes due to age difference. Sometimes that is good, some people need to be taken care of. Most of the times I taught them well and when they were able to stand on their own... well... I started to feel threatened. They began telling me how to improve, and I was totally unable to accept their suggestions. I thought all their suggestions were shit. Sure, I was the "master" to begin with, but they seemed to have caught up on me. They had learned what I have in decades, with blood, sweat and tears, in months. Scary. Dangerous. Like a black hole.

    Then I abandon them, and realize that I wrongly estimated the situation. They hadn't really learned, they were just repeating what I said. And shortly after, they fall over. Sometimes to my pleasure, if the relationship had declined enough. This has happened at least 4x now over the years. It's fucked up, I need to change something. I want to never "teach" again. It's stupid and wrong. People should learn by spending time with me - if they can learn something from me - and doing something, not by my instructions. But it's so hard to resist, when you see people struggling with something that you think to know the way out of. Emphasizing on "think", because most of the times your own solution is too individual to be practiced by another.

    Let's see if some meditation, ancient chinese philosophy and new ways to spend my time can fix this!

    Hm, all of this got me kind of sad. There is a storm outside my window and rain, I'll go jogging, see if I can get hit by a log or something.


  2. Yea, we'd be happy to see some more people there. Still just starting out - expect nothing much, but if something starts moving it might stimulate our progress!

    Anyone is welcome, all skill levels and all forms of art. We'll try to give some sincere feedback where we can, to help improve and manifest your style - without being assholes.


    We're also planning to create Game-Quitters related art, to help the website layout, merch and stuff like that.


    Just post your name here, and we'll send you an invite! Or apply directly (I'm not always on top there though).

  3. I told (basically lied) to my "friend" that I had no idea what happened and that I contacted the support and they wouldn't know either.

    Hm, you should tell your friend that you quit videogames - if you haven't made that clear. If he makes fun of you or some whack shit like that, you can still drop him if he's being an asshole and you feel that you need to, because he's obstructing your path. But being weird and shady about it seems to complicate matters! He might not even know what you're up to and saying "we need to talk about..." what? just start talking. Here's a couple of sentences to get started "Listen, I quit gaming, it's bad for me and it makes me unhappy. If you think that our friendship doesn't work out without games, then I'll have to distance myself from you because I don't have the strength to resist gaming when you give me the cues to.".

    It seems like a lot of peer pressure is going on, and you haven't found the courage yet to stand firmly by your decision to quit gaming. Think why you want to quit, and don't say "I wanna finish uni and get a girlfriend", "my parents will be proud" or "I want to be more popular" - because those are shitty society-driven reasons that will never conjure the fighting spirit you direly need. It needs to come from the inside, from your heart and not from the outside.

    Time, for example, is a good reason. But for "Time" to be a good reason, you need something to do with it. There are many reasons, think about what you want.


    Now, I've written this about 10x on the forums now, but here I go again. Quitting gaming made me free. My HDD was empty. I switched from QWERTZ to another layout. I use a trackball. I will install Linux soon. These are all computer-things, I know, but... quitting gaming has broken the boundaries for interacting with computers for me. It's not a big step, but I'm sure to find 1000 small steps to get me to break boundaries gaming has set upon me. I can do what I want now. It's great!!


    Now I'm rambling too, but hey, I hope you manifest again in your desire to quit gaming (if that is your true desire), best of luck!!


  4. Recently I moved, simplified my life, and de-stressed. When I was busy, I made time for fitness, and personal development. In an ironic paradox, with all the free time I’ve completely sunk back into bad habits.

    Yea, that's so messed up. When everything is impossible, you manage, when it's not, you don't! Dafuq!!?


    I hope you find a way to unite your new simplified life with "not sitting around all day"!! 

  5. @Pierce I'm skeptical about "enlightenment". But yea, let's ransack all his ideas! Haha. Thanks, it does seem sorta "alternative". Where do his ideas come from? Taoism? Hinduism? I'll need to find out.

    I am often reading this book by Laozi called Tao Te Ching (ancient roots of Taoism - appearantly). I'm not done, I probably never will be, but there is another guy called Zhuangzi who has a book with his name - and it seems to be a radical and funny Tao Te Ching 2.0, he was a critic of Confucianism. I'm not deep in the subject, but from what I read, there are no gods and no holy powers - but opinions seem to vary -, it's very down to earth. They disregard thinking and also intellect. A return to nature seems the focus. Surely, someone like you who thinks knowledge is key will be skeptical to some concepts - but the theories or suggestions do show some resemblance to the stuff on "actualized.org". Both these books are like 100 pages and tiny, they fit in your back pocket - I often read the wisdom from Tao Te Ching, when I hang with a friend of mine in a park who can't seem to stop drinking and who is struggling with depression. It's like a bible, without god and fairy tales, and a lot of room for interpretation (mostly poems). Taoism may have an afterlife and spirit aspect, but I think I'll just take the ancient texts and interpret them myself. Pretty rad! And sometimes funny. They weren't too serious, I like that.

    Here an excerpt (Wikipedia, my book is in German):

    Knowing others is wisdom;
    Knowing the self is enlightenment.
    Mastering others requires force;
    Mastering the self requires strength;
    He who knows he has enough is rich.
    Perseverance is a sign of will power.
    He who stays where he is endures.
    To die but not to perish is to be eternally present. (chap. 33, tr. Feng and English)


    That is so cool! So compressed, it's like wisdom.zip 

    Embrace the void, and let its impending embrace lead you to enjoy each moment. That's definitely something I can work on.

    Sports are also good, clogged up arteries lead to an increased heart frequency - which is about as bad as taking exams and "unenjoyableness". It's very physical and seemingly easy to fix!

    Awareness is also good. I dig that. But also very physical. Thinking in itself is so... unrewarding. You never seem to get any fruits - even when you are. Very frustrating! There is no solution, and when you come up with one that seemingly works, you can't execute it or you forget about it. Inner-emptiness and awareness seem to be the way to go. Meditation does seem to help.

    I haven't made this much progress on the thinking subject in such a short time ever. In the past year I got as much down as the decades before it. I can't put my finger on what was hindering me. Odd!

  6. Shit, I just wrote about a very similar subject. That's spoopy!

    Do you also have this feeling that sometimes many people seem to think on the same subject? Like it's a "hot topic", but it doesn't necessarily need to be directed by the media thru news, it can be much more of a subtle thing to trigger subjects in the mind of the masses, like "Spring" or the color blue.

    But then - it might be selective perception and our minds that are constantly fixated on recognizing patterns.


    Read the omens, man! Hahaha.


    I think we are toasters. All the way. And I think we should emphasize that more and see the benefits in being "toasters". Accept being what we are. Maybe not a 100% but a lot more than is conveyed by society. Surely some thinking helps, but in this world, it seems, people are more a binary string than a creature - and they are very uncomfortable with it, but can't quite make it out, because shit is so obfuscated!

    I got to free will then, or before that too. Like the same train of thought at the same time. As if it were a subway line people commute with.


    I want to break that line and see what happens. Tunnels piss me off.


    EDIT: This is what I'm checking out next: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-structuralism I got an essay on it somewhere around. It seems to be fixated on language and a long shot made by stoned hippies, but okay, I'm in this, haha.


  7. ENTRY #20 - DAY 37:

    I got off the rest of this week. I got off till mid march. Nearly a month. I got no Uni stuff to be done, except that 1 assignment about Linux and some program on it. Maybe I have to write some applications for an internship. It should be easy to get one.... but I'll need to put in like 20 minutes of effort per day.

    It's all clear. A lot of time and little tasks. But these shitty little tasks are what kill me. Put me under pressure, I'll bitch and moan, but move mountains. Give me air to breathe - I die. I think many people are like this. Handling the impossible with shit in their pants - still handling it alright, but not being able to do the "normal" stuff. I need to assess the situation and get some skills in this. It's really a weakness of mine, a big one because it costs me my peace at heart so many times.

    Getting started is the worst. Once I get started - no problem. But getting started is like casting a spell that I don't know the ritual for. I often make it, but then I'm surprised of great magic. I do the right things, but unintentionally. It works out, but it's at the last minute, as if there were a counter in my head that runs into alert mode when matters switch from "makeable" to "unmakeable", setting me off like TNT. But before that happens, I build totems to engage my spirit and dreamwalk all my deeds meticuosly. Everything is planned at the last minute for weeks, so I can do it in days in a big hurry. I estimate it all perfectly, it works out, but I'll be running 150% to get it done and go crazy. Crunching my teeth into time as if it were matter - but just crunching and cringing at nothing in pursuit of a deadline. Behind me that humonguos wave of afraidency, when a single drip of it touches me I think: "I can't do this, I can't do this.". Luckily I get a grip usually and bulldoze on, but if that wave would envelop me, then I'd give up - right there - and drown.

    Why is everything such a challenge, and will life always remain a challenge? When I asked my colleague who is 10 years older than me, she said "It doesn't get easier. That's for sure.". There is no end to this, there is no eternal peace or happiness. There is no solution. We all grow old, wither and die while climbing evergrowing obstacles. It really doesn't make any sense to keep going at all. As an atheist, believing in eternal nothingness after death, there is no bank account you pay into with good deeds or "doing the right thing". Nah you need better reasons, right now and here in the here and now.

    When I decided that there is nothing, after having stood at the crossroads of agnosticism gazing at the stars for many years, I chose it because it seemed more "brutal". More "heavy metal", "the hard way". I wanted to be cool and invincible. I thought that "I had it in me" to make it. Also I chose it, because it made a lot more sense and my gut feeling told me "don't rely on something that isn't your tool". Putting my fate and wishes into the hands of a god seemed like giving up.

    After I made that choice, I was able to continue my journey. I had made a big assumption, but that was the price for keeping moving on. Life forced me to make this assumption and I could have made it either way, but I chose nothingness. Continuing the journey meant having to face all these harsh facts. There are no "ghosts" "spirits" or "gods", except the ones we place in each others heads. There is no afterlife. Life is all you get and you can't do anything wrong, because once you die you'll forget everything and disperse. There is no right either, because of the same reason. You yourself, and only you, may determine what is right and what is wrong - and you can even choose to deem the concept of "right and wrong" as bullshit altogether. Religious people have called me egoistic and conceited in putting myself into this high position over myself. I think the proclamation of egoism towards another is in itself "egoistic" and because I think that's complete bullshit, I have stopped believing in egoism. There is no egoism and no altruism. Our minds are not good enough to weigh all the factors of self benefit and universal benefit. An "egoistic" action can help the majority and an "altruistic" one may destroy it. The intention don't mean shit, I can tell any intention I want afterwards.

    Thinking about egoism only lead to fruitless moments of doing nothing. No fun. No productivity. No grand scheme or moral to follow. Nothing. I got enough nothing after death. Thinking whether or not an action was "egoistic" did not improve my qualities as a "good" human being.

    With that out of the way, I also ditched free will. I am the sum of my experience, my being here is the result of my materia being here in the alignment that it is. If there would be free will, I would have no personality. I am proud to be the sum of my experience. The absence of free will doesn't mean that I am not responsible for my actions. And if anyone thinks otherwise - stand in my way - I'd say "there is no responsibility". Because it's just a concept as well.

    You only know these things because people told you. Because they taught you the shit they had been taught. Because someone invented these concepts. These words. If the words wouldn't exist, so wouldn't the concepts. There wouldn't be egoism. There would be something else. If ancient greek philosophers had eaten a different meal, had sex and a sunny day - they would've written a different truth for you to memorize.

    Eternal nothingness gives me the power to say "fuck you". There's always a way out. You try to frame me? I won't jump out of the frame - I'll fucking break it.

    And then you say "you can't do this." - oh yea? Who told you that? Mom? Fuck you and your rules. I do what I want. You think I'm conceited and egoistic? I just take your shit and break you. Spartanic and darwinistic you call me? Fuck darwinism. I'll not surrender because of some concept, I don't give a shit about statistics. I am one. I can be anything. I can kick your ass if I want to.

    So is there alien life? Yea there is. It's some boringass bacteria on a remote planet no one gives a shit about except some whacky biology student that smells funny.


    There, your truth.


    Oh and as for willpower - keeping moving on and all that. The eternal fight - struggle... well I got a secret recipe: There is no future. There is no past. It's only in your head. All that matters is this second. This second in absence of pain and preferably thought.

    My theories aren't founded or anything, I make shit up on the go, because thinking requires me to stop. Stopping is bad. Never stop. Never surrender. Never die. I know it's pretty dim witted, but I had been thinking a LOT about it, before I went berserk. Thinking made me ill. I can't always stick to what I wrote up there, but I do my best. And I feel much better now. Isn't that what it's all about? Feeling better?

    Take away all hope and dreams and learn to appreciate reality. When it rains don't think of inbound sunshine, think "can't it rain harder?".

    Feel the wet clothes. That thought you despise. It's not that bad. Only your parents said it would be. Humans are animals. Don't deny it, you'll feel better. You are a stupid fuck, don't try to be something else. It's OK. It's not so bad as you make it out to be. Get in there. Get dirty.


    I should install Linux. Soon. Sooner. I hope I didn't bite off more than I can chew. ARRR! *chunk* *chunk*

  8. I like this thread.

    So what do I need to watch out for if I want to collect some of these herbs in a densely populated location? Are they impotent and poisenous when growing too close to a city? What about dog - urine and stuff? Acidic grounds, car emissions, etc.

    I'd love to go out into a nearby forest and just pick this stuff up on the go, but I don't know anything and I'd probably harm myself if I'm unaware.


    I've been using teas occasionally when running into problems, but I've always purchased ready-to-use products. Maybe you could make a post about the basics, how to prepare these herbs for use (dry them, chop them) and how to make a tea out of them - with pictures. Make the subject more tangible for us to get our hands dirty. It's probably been done before - but what hasn't! And a good exercise for ya studies...

  9. ENTRY #19 - DAY 35:

    This weekend is just chill. I am at peace with mind, body and...

    ...there is no soul!!

    Uh, right. You are still there, lying in wait, ready to ruin every single fucking moment if my brain isn't occupied.

    I still had some money left over, got myself some new-used levis and blank keycaps for my mechanical keyboard. I hope they fit, because I'm running a chinese production model - and shit is known to have problems with measuring tolerances. But whatever, I'll be running a black keyboard with blank white letterkeys. It's gonna be so h4xx0r. Next week I hope to be making the jump to Arch Linux, I'm already shitting my pants in 1337ness, it's green and the smell is funky.

    I'll order a 30€ chinese SSD for the swapping project. It'd be wise to leave my windows 10 untouched for now. I'll throw its harddrive in a corner and see how long I can do without. Delivery is in march, so I'm gonna take the one from my laptop and leave the laptop "naked" running on one of my oldschool mechanical HDDs if needed.

    I know I could do all this for free, and just partition my SSD, but... I don't wanna run a Frankenstein monster PC with two operating systems. Linux 100%, if that doesn't work then fuck Linux, but I'm pretty sure it'll work if I am relentless enough and able to cope with some cutbacks in software alternatives.

    ... and I'll do anything to get rid of advertising in my login screen and "rate windows 10" requests. Surely you could "hack it away", but dafuq? It's like cockroaches in my bed countered with insect spray. This shit was whack since when they said it'd be free.


    Welcome to reality.

    There is no soul and nothing is free!!

    Even fucking costs money!


    The easy way out is set with a million mousetraps, fuck you, I'm taking the scenic route. Just to breathe freely, to be without your load of shit and serpent-y selling strategies. I've sold shit myself, and I know where it's at. It's those 10 cents you rob from every customers pocket with a smile - till it's the norm. Till you go for 20 cent with a smile, because everyone is doing 10 now. To be better and survive - 1% is enough. I'm keeping those 20 cents, bitches, to be able to say

    "just my 2 cents"

    While I chew a gum that I bought with the other 18. Cheap gum. Yea. Whatever.

    Linux is the way to go, when you wanna stop being a ho. And I'm done being a corporate bitch. Finito.


    PS My Logitech M570 is the shit. Since I deburred its opening for the ball with a knife. I really recommend it, it's so fun to use. I just want a ball that looks like a globe....

  10. @Schwing Hm, you're right about that "caretaking" behavior one can adopt in such platforms. These Forums are running the same danger. I think being sincere is actually not as easy as it should be, because being sincere means also saying "I don't like this, because...". But if you learn to write that "because" well enough, the receptionist will understand, and if he agrees - he will grow and if he disagrees he will know that you are not a "sockpuppet" - as you would say.

    So if you are delivering constructive feedback, being sincere is actually worth a lot more than being a cheerleader. For yourself and for the person you are interacting with.

    Constructive feedback isn't as easy as one might think though. When I look at a picture, I get overloaded with sensual input. Let's say the general result is "this is shit". To make constructive feedback I'll need to

    a) be able to untangle that sensual overload that I am receiving from the picture (which requires a lot of self awareness and all that "being myself" mumbo jumbo)

    b) put that into words precisely (which requires technical understanding in art and the vocabulary associated with that - and furthermore some general communications-skills)

    I think the requirements are quite stupendous. That's why people just say "I like it." or, which isn't as good in keeping a relationship "It's shit.". You need to be a master yourself - or at the very least have watched many masters, to help people improve by criticism. Sure sometimes you get away with "I don't like it, I don't know why", which is sincere, but that only works in very intimate relationships.


    That social platform "neediness" is really a problem. I hate that shit. It's not sincere. It's fake all over and people pretend to be something they aren't. I avoid those situations like the plague, even deleted my Facebook in the process. It's very quiet now.

    ...but the voices are still there!


    Maybe you could just upload your pics here, or on another platform with more focus on the material at hand. Or change the way how you interact with deviantart. I have an account from 2006ish, theres like noone there - but it only has like three mediocre pics in it. Just keep quiet!! If you get a friend request ask "How old are you?" and no matter what they reply say "Too young, sorry" and never reply again. No hard feelings then.

  11. Academics! No matter what they say, it's so hard to listen.

    Here in Germany, it's all about passing. I never met a person beyond the first semester to care about grades. There's some pros, asian math geniuses that write an A in math - which is like impossible - but they don't speak the language for shit and they can't think individually. They seem like lost sheep on their own, and beyond that one single thing they're good at - there's nothing. Most people with excellent grades are like that. They are "crazy strong niche species" that suck at everything but their niche.

    I know nothing on how to get consistently good grades. I only get them, when the whole semester don't know shit. Grades seem arbitrary to me. I feel like a B, I get a D. I feel like an F, I get an A and vice versa. And sometimes I get what I feel. The exams are all over the place, regarding the difficulty level. And practicing helps, but it's still a shot that can go missing.

    My method, apart from studying, is to keep contact with the prof and hope that he likes and understands you, and hope that he understands what you write and then build on his subconscious to give you a better grade. And all that, without sucking up. So raise a hand when he asks a not-obvious question, and maybe raise a hand when you don't know shit to make a guess - when noone else dares to, to break the ice and make the auditorium take part lively in the lecture. But don't be too smart and be humble. Stand by your errors. Show the prof that you learnt something from him. Don't always take the stage. Don't always be super smart. Keep your word and keep it real.

    But... I guess studying more is more effective, that up there is just for giggles and depends totally on the type of person you are dealing with. But even with the most evil, don't shy away, look them in the eye, even when you are clueless. Chances are high, they'll never notice, or they know since day 1.


    PS I started reading "as I lay dying" by faulkner, and I don't understand shit. I guess I'll need to settle with reading it twice and just "scanning" the first time thru. It's sorta whack, I'm a bad reader!

  12. ENTRY 18 - DAY 32:

    Where am I? How the fuck did I get here? And why is everything moving so damn fast??

    Quitting gaming was like releasing the handbrakes, but the world seems so quick that I sometimes wonder if I'm in reverse. People keep yelling instructions, but their voices sound like the chipmunks drowned in Doppler effect. Leaving me behind embazzled with the letters W, T and F in my face - without order. I'm from another world. It seems many I meet are etched with either anger or fear permanently, like Two-Face had pressed a hot coin in their forehead at birth. I see people with shaking hands, aged 20 and people aged 45 angry like teens. You counter them with commanding looks and pointing fingers, or palms and understanding eyebrows.

    Work is fucked up. I did my job fulltime this week, and yea, you grow into it.. and it has good sides... but no man. I ain't doin that for long! I woke up at 7 and tried to go to bed at 9. I was lucky to eat. I was lucky just sitting. I was thankful in the morning to be sitting in a train doing nothing for 10 minutes. Fuck, that was one of my highlights on daily basis - sitting on that train with a home-made coffee in my hand, listening to pointless chatter of other people till the graffiti mile of the main-station drew my attention away like a colorful LSD trip. Constantly thinking "I wish I had your problems, I'd solve them in 3 minutes and then go juggle my balls all week!".

    Sleeping was the best. I slept so well, I felt like a polar bear dozing off thru a month of polar night. I woke up chewing air and scratching my belly like Al Bundy. But shit, I'll never work 8 hours a day, no man, that's not my thing, sir. It's retarded, that comes from a time when women educated children and cooked for men. Those times are over. I'm not complaining. My life, my mind my body are too precious to be your eternal slave. I just want a couple of bucks, something to eat and a roof on my head. I'd gladly give up computers and TVs. I don't need a car. I don't need a house. I just want to eat and sleep. My thoughts and my heart are enough to entertain me. I don't think that I'd even need a girlfriend or people. I need no internet, I'm fine with books. Maybe I need some music, but if I can't have playback, give me a drum or a banjo.

    Fuck your "pleasures". Possessions just possess you, the truly rich are rich in heart. Fuck your paper, I use it to wipe myself when I'm done thinking of y'all. 


  13. Working out is the shit man!

    Here's a noob workout to get the ball rolling, if that's where it fails:

    Get a buzz cut every week, or never cut your hair again. Looking ugly is beneficial.

    Some stretching - as you like

    20 pushups

    20 squats

    20 sit ups

    20 crunches

    2,5km jog

    EVERY DAY for a month, as long as you have no pain. No fitness studio required. The order don't matter. Try out what suits ya. This workout isn't balanced, but it isn't excessive and it's only a month. Don't increase anything, this is just a "hello world" with oldschool basics to get you into a routine and to get you thinking about the subject.

    Meanwhile, get yourself a book on "how to work out" and put it on the crapper. And be on the lookout for decent jogging shoes if you like it. @2,5 kms there isn't much to worry about, but watch the knees, if they ever hurt take a break for "till it feels better". 

    Suggestions: stop jogging when it hurts. make smaller steps. jump less upwards. use your toes. try not to land with the heel while you have a excessively stretched knee. try to "roll" the foot forwards. make even smaller steps when going upwards (on your toes) or downwards (heels). count your breathing as if you were meditating - for starters. you can sprint, but if there is the slightest pain: don't. make tiny steps. tiny steps - for starters. with some experience you'll learn the rules of play, but mind, mistakes can take you out of jogging for weeks.

    There are many alternatives to jogging. I like it the best, cause it's a good "excuse" to go outside, also, in winter jogging at 5 am or 8 pm is one of the most badass brutal motherfucking dark things you can do in life, sure to earn you respect from EVERYBODY.

    Wrong workouts can fuck you up. If something feels wrong - it is. If it feels right - it is. Develop some body awareness by paying attention to critical zones/pain.


    It's easy, probably only takes like 30 minutes, once you get the groove.

  14. If you truly embody that you are sick of gaming, quitting will be a piece of cake. It's one of the ultimate attitudes to quit shit, brutal!

    Dig the avatar too... BattleTech, hm, you into tabletop? Could be a good alternative to videogames.


    Looking forward to see what it is you do in life... safe voyage and all.

  15.  This will be dark, but I'll be honest:

    • seeing people that I dislike waste their time
    • getting stronger
    • winning against all odds, even against myself
    • proving that people were wrong about me
    • kicking their asses, despite being ill prepared or being in an unfair situation
    • being last man standing or the first one to jump into an unknown situation - alone
    • I need little approval or recognition, I feel euphoria when I overcome my fears
    • mastering new skills
    • meeting my limit and prevailing

    Don't judge me, before you meet me. I know it sounds sick on paper.

  16. I just can't, I'm too weak. Maybe I was born just to be an average. I'll not achieve anything in my life, I won't be ambitious... Maybe I should just eat, shit and consume pop culture... let the time fly,

    Uh dude. Try to remember why you wanted to quit in the first place, list the reasons. You need some resolve!!


    And everyone is born weak and average, your decisions are what changes that.


    Your painting too much black. You're telling yourself that you are weak and believing that, that's what's breaking your neck.

    Tell yourself that you can do this and find the reasons why gaming is impairing your life. How gaming is hindering who you want to be.

    Stop questioning yourself and stop questioning us - in the end we can't provide you the solution, but we can act like "shamans" that try to keep you engaged in your own path to find a solution.

    In an addiction, you are your worst enemy. You can't even trust yourself or your emotions. You need to conjure a great fighting spirit to succeed. The first time is the hardest.

    Don't relapse, come back here before you do.