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destoroyah
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Posts posted by destoroyah
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@Pierce Don't worry. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't mastered death and rebirth.
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Last night i couldn't sleep for shit! I think my underwear was too tight on my balls or something.
LMFAO. Dude, I couldn't sleep either man, I think it's the weather, something is all fucky here!! I woke up with a twisted neck and today I felt like a zombie.
PS: My balls were good though, check my Instagram:
Joking, I'm joking!! I don't even got that App.
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@Csaba_Bekesi I'm an outsider. I live together with 2 guys, one of them has no awareness, memory and no empathy. The other is like a kid. I'm like their mother and father in one, and I "manage" everything here, because I keep all the contracts and financials down. I keep it democratic, but sometimes I need to decide on matters. I have no one to fall back on, sometimes the burden is too heavy to carry and I fall into a "no one gives me anything" rage. Even though I lashed out in the above text – I am usually very kind to them, or at least "firm". I write the thoughts down, to cast them away, to criticize myself as objectively as I can.
Regarding the points you made, you might be right about having to be more open to new people and being less focused on them "giving" me. But the problem I face in my reality that I have no one that backs me. No one tells me that I do well, I get no feedback, and if I do, it is from sources that I am managing – so I need to doubt them at all times because in 50% of the cases it is unjustified or wrong (and I need not only doubt them but also myself in my judgement).
I am not insecure, I don't struggle with accepting myself. I am as "man" as I can be, but I am alone against many. They all got girlfriends and family to back them – I don't. I can't consult anyone, because my matters are... well my friends are all not in the same position as me, so they can't consult me. If they ever go against me, they can draw energy from their girlfriends and relatives – I only got this.
I may never cry. I may never scream. I may never say "I don't know" or "I can't do this" – or this ship sinks. It's psychologically deeply rooted in being the child of an alcoholic parent, something I may never fix. Not even if I have a person to "lean" on, I would crush them. I must take the hit. I must take it. I must be strong enough not to flinch. I must remain standing whatever the fuck happens, because I am the first and last bastion. It all results from "no one may ever find out my mom's a drunk to maintain a "normal" life, even if she yells at me.", and goes well with a pinch of megalomaniac. I relentlessly keep myself in check though with Music, Sports and Art. I need that as not to explode.
But you are right, I must be aware and not heed negative thoughts. No matter how hard it gets, I shall never blame other people, because once I do – I destroy them because I don't know when it's enough, because I have no way to assess "normality". Luckily that has rarely happened, and when it does – I have trained myself to not take revenge, and just abort contact. Resulting in me being a fucking outsider.
My inability to assess normality also allows me to go all out, which is a bonus. But yea, I'm fucking stupid. I've grown to be like this and... I've grown to live with it. It's actually kind of interesting.
HMMMMMMM. Now how do I fix that? Can I even? I am growing weary... tired. And whenever I am about to die, someone random comes along and says "whoa dude, you're crass man!" and I'm back on my feet.
Now I've written down all these aspects, and I know every single one of them well. Chances are, I know them so well and keep them so well in check, that they don't even "exist" anymore in my outside personality. All that is left is that little freak in my head, that I occasionally unleash in my journal – my inner "child", that is always yelling and crying, because I never had the chance to.
It's like I'm not even there. I'm just a defensive spell cast by a passerby – or my past self.
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@28_yrs_of_gaming Thanks dude.
ENTRY #45 – DAY X (no time for counting):
A normal workday (I only manage to pull this off 2-3 times/week on working days):
0720h Wake up
0900h Work
1300h Break
1400h Work
1800h Go Home
1845h Run 7.5-10 kms at 8°C in a Hailstorm with 2 uphills in shorts and t-shirt (sometimes in the dark with a flashlight)
19XXh Start Weightlifting (IDK why I need 2h to lift, I go slow and listen to Music)
2200h Shower
2215h Cook
2230ish Eat & Watch an Episode of some dumb series
2320ish Sleep -
Eigenschaft.
Das Aufhören sollte keine Bestrafung sein – bzw. nicht die Eigenschaften einer Bestrafung haben.
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I'm unsure if this thread was done before (couldn't find it in a quick scan), but I think everyone benefits from making this list – calling to mind the advantages should help you not to relapse.
Keep it short and juicy to make this thread a central point for quick motivation and inspiration but also to find out what others are struggling with (so that you know that you are not alone with your problem).
ADVANTAGES:
1. saved time
2. sports = lean and healthy, posture
3. intimidating, less shy, kindness
4. money saved
5. mind and heart more unified, improved concentration, ability to listen, memory and organizational skills, multi-tasking, emotional stability, enjoy the things at hand, focus
6. read books, gain useful skills and get inspired
7. drawing and getting real appreciation feels much better
8. less things are reliant on chance, take control, grow much more predatory
9. open to new things/ideas, not afraid to try something new, horizon has expanded greatly.
10. eating habits have improved, healthy
PROBLEMS:
· Loneliness
· Boredom
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ENTRY #44 – DAY 0:
Okay. Thing is, I played Diablo 1 after stumbling over an HD mod that enables it to play widescreen and 1080p and I was like "whoooaa".
So I played it. And it was fuckin' awesome, it was everything I wanted it to be and the best Diablo ever. I've had a deep connection with this game, my brother and I have played it since release. This game is like... part of me. I think Diablo 2 and 3 are for pussies and Diablo 1 is the shit with proudness and everything. I love the sound design, I love the graphics, I love the stupid story and the fact that "This is the dungeon, there is only one dungeon and you have to keep on going down. This is it. Nothing else.". I loved the simplicity. The stupidity and the brutality. That after death you lose ALL your equipment and that players can hurt each other in multiplayer by default. The darkness and loneliness it conveys. The soundtrack.
So... I'm not surprised that this game caught me. It's like... my favorite game of all time and it unifies all things I love about gaming.
I just uninstalled it and deleted my save. Even though I had fun and even if it was the coolest shit ever, I realized that the hours were passing and I was out of this world. I realized that I was losing track of time. I noticed that I was not taking a shit when I needed to take a shit and that I was putting off other things as well. I realized that I was not confronting my emotions but rather putting them off. I noticed that with every hour I wasted on gaming, I was losing my edge – my ability to kick ass.
I didn't make the 90 days detox and... well I wouldn't call myself a failure because I got like 89.5 and it isn't a black and white thing. It's not like on day 90 some enlightenment occurs and you get your shit straight – but deep inside I probably was kind of expecting that. I was expecting that shit would "solve itself" when I abstain from gaming and I was "let down" by the fact that it doesn't. It's not that simple, the changes are gradual and very hard to notice, it's hard to keep track. In my disappointment I manifested doubt in me, and that doubt led to the relapse. I was thinking "well, if shit doesn't make a difference anyways, I might as well play videogames! Oh cool, check it out, the Diablo 1 mod I've been hoping for since the last decade! What a coincidence!". I hadn't accomplished many improvements in my life, and the improvements were very subtle.
To rebuild myself I need to assess some things that "not-gaming" has brought into my life:
ADVANTAGES:
1. saved time
2. sports = lean and healthy, posture
3. intimidating, less shy, kindness
4. cash
5. mind and heart more unified, improved concentration, ability to listen, memory and organizational skills, multi-tasking, emotional stability, enjoy the things at hand, focus
6. read books, gain useful skills and get inspired
7. drawing and getting real appreciation feels much better
8. less things are reliant on chance, take control, grow much more predatory
9. open to new things, not afraid to try something new, horizon has expanded greatly.
10. eating habits have improved, healthy
PROBLEMS:
· Loneliness
· Boredom
I hope my 2.5 days of relapse have not too much negative impact. In my mind I will treat my relapse as an experiment as to how gaming is affecting me with new eyes. Not as a failure to complete 90 days, in my mind I'll just pretend that I made it as to not have too much negativity hovering over me. Losing my self-trust and confidence would be counter-productive.
I will print out this list as a reminder of the improvements I have made, to motivate me to "stick to it".
What follows now is a tedious session of finding out what's fucked up, I don't recommend reading it (it's full of shit, kinda):
For clarity on colors, see notes at ***, don't worry, I'm just analyzing myself to assess damage.
What a chore. I hope I don't lose my stability in "not-gaming". I should have written such a list sooner, I never made clear to myself that I am improving, no one around IRL has cheered me on. Fuck! Always telling myself that I'm good enough to handle my own shit can turn into a problem when I stumble. I need to rely on people more, sadly I seem to be fucking terrible at finding new friends. I have learned to find friends by smoking weed, drinking and playing games – I need new methods. Having turned 30 hasn't made things easier though, they all expect you to be a professional at this age, so you can't just march in as a dumbass and learn from your mistakes – you gotta read up on what you get into. I need to find methods of getting to know people – or better yet finding methods on getting to know people that I like. I dislike them all. I need to work on myself in that aspect. I need to find out why I think that everyone is a stupid motherfucker. I need to find out why I find it a "waste of time" to converse with them. Why I feel that they never tell me anything new, why I feel that there is no information in their heads of use.
I'm stuck up. But that isn't all of it. I'm an elitist and acting more on the part than being it. I need to lower my expectations of others, but it seems unreasonable because I'm struggling with so much and I see dumb motherfuckers all about snacking at McDonald's and playing "Match 3 Games".
How the fuck am I supposed to make friends with these people? Either they're fucking clueless – or they know so much about their subject that they're fucking busy smartassing me up about it.
That is my perception at least. And it is false. I generalize too much. I need to find the middle-ground, but the middle ground is so low profile that it never reaches my attention. I only look up and down.
Hm. Okay. Well I can't change the world, so I'll need to discover some new social weaknesses in me that need fixing. Sadly I am surrounded by dumb motherfuckers in my apartment that can't teach me jack despite me having the attitude "everyone can teach me something". They can't. One of them needs more iodine in his thyroid gland and the other is 10 years younger than me living in vanity. I see no trait in them that impresses me the slightest. Is that already the error? Should I be able to see the positive thing in them? One of them is busy constantly challenging me in every single aspect thinkable, constantly having moodswings and lashing unfounded aggression at me, promising things that he doesn't keep based on his "forgetfulness" because he has some easy-to-fix hormone deficiency and the other hasn't realized yet that you should take out the trash, when the trashcan is full, and remove your moldy shit from the fridge, when the fridge stinks and take a piss while sitting down so the toilet don't smell like urine and throw away a dirty sponge when packing out a new one instead of hiding it for "safe keeping". Fucking idiots. How am I able to learn from them? You tell me. And whats worst is that they both have girlfriends that giggle 24/7. Like WTF, these guys couldn't wipe their own ass if a Mafiosi put a Tommy gun to their head, and they are in stupid happy relationships.
Is that unfair? No, I don't have a girlfriend because I lack the ability to see past the 100 flaws and weaknesses that I spot at first sight. I have become wary that I should never attempt to fix them, but I also know that if I don't fix them that I have to live with them. And I don't. I don't want to live with your illness, stupidity, addiction and unhealthy shit. Your dorky face and ugly butt. Your lack of education. Your inability to fight, work hard and improve yourself. Your inability to speak open about it. Your fucking WhatsApp and smartphone addiction. Your fake fingernails and overdone makeup. Your shitty taste in music that I'd feel embarrassed for. Your inability to discern a good movie from a bad one. Your inability to speak English as well as I do. Your inability to sit down and get your ass to do shit. Your inability to take a drill and drill a hole in the wall. To fix shit. What can a woman give me except sex? Nothing. In fact she just lays hurdles. Stupid hurdles that I kick out of my way. Since the emancipation of women, I have been left with teaching myself how to clean, cook and get my room to look tidy and "in chime" with colors. I have been left with teaching myself the fashion and good clothes. Teaching myself to treat my body. If anyone tells me something new, I feel challenged in my competence. So what's left for you to do for me? Nothing. How can we have fun together? I'll tell you, Step 1: Quit wasting my time. Step 2: Stay the fuck out of my way. Step 3: You don't tell me anything. Step 4: Ask directly for my help if you need it, because I won't help you otherwise. Yea, that's me putting the "nsh" in "relationship" – the sound of getting punched in the face that is.
I know what I just wrote down is wrong. And I know some women probably think similarly, and I really really want to stay out of their way, because I know they'd explode my face.
But that's the frustration that I need to get rid off. Those are the things that I need to work out in order to get along with people. I think more negative about them, than positive. In fact, I see no single positive trait in any person, except the few friends I have. That's not a good basis for getting to know people.
I really don't know how to fix this. I'm reading "How to win friends and influence people" but all I see are new tactics to manipulate them. To get them to do what I want them to do. Not a book on how to "Accept their idiocy" to "See the good in them".
Maybe I'm just really unlucky with the people I've met so far in life (actually I really believe this), but my experience has shaped me – and the result is a fucked up antisocial piece of shit. I'm not rude, I'm not unkind, I'm just extremely defensive and life has taught me to stay the fuck away from people because they fuck my shit up. I'm not afraid of them. I'm not anxious. I just see no good in them. NOTHING good. Not a single good trait. NOTHING. And if someone is superior to me, I only attempt to find methods to make their positive traits my own. Learn from them. But I don't need them around to learn from them, I can teach myself after I have seen their strength. In fact, I have never really learned from anybody. I get like an inferiority complex when someone is better than me. Then I hide, train train train, and come back when I'm better than them. Or comparable. I don't challenge them then, but I feel safe and I don't need to avoid them then. I'm totally fucked up. There is no light in my world.
How can I fix that? Do I need a shrink? I don't think I can accept a shrink, because the second he tells me something I'd feel challenged by him and I'd want to prove him wrong or get my own degree in psychology so I don't need to accept him as my mentor – so I don't need to listen to his potentially incompetent bullshit. No matter the cost.
So there's my problem. I can't accept the idea of anyone being better than me. In ANYTHING. And anyone who is worse than me is deemed a "SUCKA" that needs to be told. I have stopped telling for now though, but the perspective remains.
It doesn't make sense though, because in reality I am quite "calm" and a "good person" – at least if I can heed the feedback that I get. But what's going on in my mind, a constant struggle and over-the-top competitiveness is the complete opposite of what I seem to be to the outside world.
***I need a model:
- Outside me (only assessable by feedback from other people, which is oddly usually positive in nature – but this may have other reasons)
- Inside me (instinct; evil, competitive, apeman, cool, exciting, masculine) <– fucked up by living in a weird world and having learnt stupid truths, learns whatever it wants
- deep inside me (reason; good, smart, slow, requires lots of peace to work, has not much to say and is pretty boring) <– learns what I choose.
I just realized this is the same model as David Kahneman in "thinking fast and slow". I should finish that book.
Hm. Whatever. Time I get moving. Stupid fucking mental work, I hate this shit. My "problems" and shit, I wanna punch someone! Stupid freaking girlsy waste of time shit. As if anything I ever write down in one of these sessions ever hits the mark. Motherfucking piece of shit crap world shit.
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Uh. Well being more resilient would be pointing out to your mom that it isn't any of her business, and telling your cousin that you don't want him to be your best man. If he asks "Why?" tell him what you just posted in all honesty. If mom says "But who'll you take then?" tell her that you'd rather have no one as best man and the freedom to choose for yourself, because if you can't make a decision like that on your own, you are not fit for marriage and certainly not fit to raise a kid/keep a family together. If she says "I just want to help" tell her that you gotta learn shit like this sooner or later and that it isn't helping if you are constantly steered around problems by her – because you never get to solve your own shit.
If you choose this route, be prepared to handle the consequences, they will probably limit their support. Don't break off your support wheels if you
a) can't ride a bike
or
b) can't handle the pain of your face grinding the asphaltIf you can't endure pain: Study study study to avoid it. If you can't be smart: Train train train to endure everything. A mix of the two works best.
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ENTRY #43:
I relapsed yesterday. On day 89. I must be fucking stupid. Day 89, psh. Fuck this.
I don't know what to write. Easter caught me in a bad situation. The weather is extremely shitty, people are all spending time with their family and I got too much free time on my hands – alone.
That isn't fair, but I guess anyone who relapses has something like this to say, so I stopped counting. I will start over next week, I won't pressure myself, because bashing myself over it would be counter-productive. I hope it works out.
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Thanks @Csaba_Bekesi . I got back some footing. I don't know, I've been having moodswings lately. Maybe because my life is like this:
1) too much free time
2) no free time at all
3) goto 1)Fuckn loops.
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Eat them for breakfast.
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ENTRY #42 - DAY XX:
Before it was loneliness. Now all people are to me is a nuisance. Like they can't take a shit on their own. It's a chore cleaning up after them. It's a chore listening to their endless bullshit "I want I want I want". I never say "I want" – I just feel lonely. I don't even want... just my peace. Just leave me alone. Don't talk about me. Don't ask me for anything. I only feel lonely if I am alienated – if there isn't anyone criticizing me, demonstrating me that I am alone, then I don't feel alone.
I don't care what you own. I don't care about your cheerful authentic practiced trained laugh. Just stay away from me. I don't care how often you get laid. I don't give a shit about your hobbies, you just pursue them to get my – or anybody's – appreciation.
I need to learn to live without appreciation – because I will never get as much as I need. I need to learn that love will not solve anything – because it never lasts. I need to learn that everyone thinks only about themselves – because no one thinks about me.
I need to abuse the fact that people want appreciation – to take revenge. I need to abuse the fact that people want love – revenge. I need to abuse the fact that everyone thinks about their gains – revenge revenge revenge.
I need to give them their appreciation – to get what I need. I need to give them their love – to get what I need. I need to give them what they want – to get what I want.
I need I must I... don't want this shit anymore. I want to stop needing. I don't care. Who you are. I don't respect your status – your mask bores me. Your material possessions bore me. I seek more. I will find more and destroy you. I will annihilate your essence and show you life beyond life. A tear in my eye when I do, a tear of joy in yours when you find out the truth about me.
There is no one out there that can give me what I can give. There is no one out there that gives what I seek. There is no one out there that gives me what I trained to give – mislead by the golden rule.
Why did you alter my mind. I never wanted to be this educated. I want to go back to being afraid of the dark and cheerful in the sun. To running fast and jumping. Eating food that tastes good. Sleeping the sleep free of thoughts. Having simple dreams of primal fear and joy.
I never wanted to be part of the world these humans have established. With their right and wrong. With their categorizing to get more numbers out of numbers.
I know, that what we have is great, but I never asked for it. Let me live carefree and die with 35. Life wasn't meant to be like this, sitting in rooms all day and studying for tomorrow. To fulfill contracts and worry about deadlines. Time is irrelevant – it's finite then infinite.
I want to disappear. I want to be invisible. I want to be unheard and never spoken of. I just want my peace. How much longer must I endure your proclamations of truths – which will prove false another day. Why does nature want to pass on genes. It only fights itself. May my body not nourish some earthworm that does something useful...? Would that be a "waste" of good motherly love and hard fatherly work? Did I choose them? Did I want to come here? Am I unthankful in questioning that?
Oh no. I am thinking too much. I have to work these 2 weeks, because someone fell and hurt their knee spontaneously and after 2 days I already hate my life. I'd rather fall and get hurt spontaneously. Moaning around, expecting people to feel sorry for my misfortune like a stupid bitch of destiny. It caught me at the wrongest of wrong moments. I don't want this. I will resort to performing badly to secure my heart. My pulse is too high. I want to choke someone, because they are stupid. They all are. I see no intelligence where I go. Their talk is so boring. Shadows. They are just shadows of words someone has once said, all they say feels like a slowly spooled tape. So boring to read and listen to... I must learn to listen anyways. Just listen.
And when there is silence, keep on listening.
There is no me. There is no free will. I am. I will be. And then I won't be. Like a tree or a stone. Like a planet or a sun. Like any temporary form of matter under the influence of time. I will disperse and disappear while remaining for eternity. Don't bother me with telling what you want. You are just a state of matter in a moment of time. You will be over soon.
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I guess the best way you could describe it is: "a person who frequently gets rid of the feeling of loneliness".
That's right, but just one aspect. It's not only about loneliness, but many other things – despair, suffering, not having the means to get over certain difficulty, getting back on earth when in a hubris and getting back up when on the ground, having fun and much much more! Like a point of gravity to keep your thoughts anchored. "What would X think if I do this now?" – it's like another perspective to life that you can emulate that helps you away from one-sidedness, inspires you and helps you attack problems from new angles. Spend time together and overcome things that you cannot alone.
Don't worry, you will find friends in your world someday – I'm sure of it. While you haven't got any, work on yourself on a repertoire of knowledge to increase the chances by having interesting hobbies and things to say. Be where you want to be, to meet the people that do things you like by overcoming yourself.
EDIT: Holy shit. I am currently changing up my training plan to incorporate more back stretching. I'm totally raped. The pain is pleasure though – Brutal!
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Skulls Study
Nazi Zombies Study
Samurai Study
Demon Color Study
"Your dead mother"
"Oni Motherfucker from Hell"
"Skatan Worshipper"
"The FLY"
"Solutions"
"Loneliness"
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@Schwing I'd say we are friends in a way, but we got to be pragmatic and call it "online friends" – as not to get disappointed with false expectations or be deluded. You can't give me a hug or call me an idiot with the same unmediated directness as a person that shares my space and reality. You don't know what I look and sound like, or what the places I spend time in are like. You can't imagine me in those situations as accurately. Anything you think about me is a depiction based on my written words – and written words are just one "channel" of me. There is posture, facial expressions, smell, tone of voice, physical appearance and what I do on the other channels. Most people I meet in real life don't tune in on the written channel though, at least not this one with the big cohesive texts – maybe the "chat" one on WhatsApp or whatever. That's another channel again though. If I present this channel to people around me (which I did like 2-3 times all my life), they are usually stupefied because they would never expect me to write this much in a foreign language. They say things like "I would never have guessed that you think this much about things!!" – because I'm pretty much a cheerful idiot on all other channels. This is a very special side of me, maybe the most honest and self-critical one – but also kind of theatrical and pompous than I am in reality.
Written words are always thought about and thus can have more precision in them. They can't be taken back as easily, are more lasting. A friendship like this isn't the same as a direct one, there is little room for bullshit. Of course being online-friends does also have advantages, usually we act more intelligent, we "learn" more in theoretic aspects and also we can share some things more freely due to the anonymity. There is no reason to break trust, there is little potential for scheming and gossip – that grants security and takes away the hurdle of fear and paranoia. There are little grounds for rejection – if one is fat and stinky, we could still be having a good time without getting distracted by our prejudices or physical limitations.
You see, that's more of a "stoic" friendship. I don't condemn this, or call this "not a friendship" – but loneliness can't be ailed as effectively by it, that's a big limitation. Of course we could meet any day and change that, but then I'd be "that balding hairy 30 year old guy" and you "the teen" – and shit could go south and awkward real fast!!I do appreciate it, though! Don't underestimate your importance in my life, there is some. And your post did kind of help ail my feeling of loneliness – in a way of mind. The sharing of our thoughts and art does make a great basis for friendship, because it has a deepness and outspokenness that I rarely pack in the real world – so yea, I too think that we got something special that is good. And of course it will turn to memory one time or another, at latest when we get killed – BRUTAL!
But don't paint it so black, enjoy it while it lasts and make use of it to find some answers while you can – and I need to stop "explaining" and "lecturing" everything. What a test, I have been learning to practice self restraint on telling people to "get their shit straight" – a big flaw of mine that needs addressing on the road to building friendships, and I'm grateful for that.Loneliness is always there, even if you have a girlfriend or wife – even family. It's not the absence of people, it's in you – as you said on deviantart. It's a kind of mindset that results from the absence of social interaction and I don't think it's an all bad feeling. It only gets bad when paired with hopelessness, despair and a long duration. It's often there, when you've gone through something that other people haven't. When you've experienced something that other people don't share a memory of in the same perspective. I've had many such cases, sometimes due to an odd perspective and sometimes due to odd experiences, and I'd call myself an expert on the field, yet I can still get overwhelmed. Luckily I write, draw, listen to Iron Maiden and got people like you to back me up then. Today I'll get back to my training, because my heart is filled with spirit again – I won't let some douchy feeling drag me down and I'll stop writing "meaningful" girlie wall of texts now!!
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You've raised the serpent mate! You're a demigod now! Aligned your kundahleieneienei or whatever it's fucking called! You know, that big energy ball at the base of your spine those hindus go on about. And those whackos over at joyofsatan.com too!
Yea... Exactly man, that was just what I was saying!
Anyho, I got new picture I need to share (and I significantly need to admit that I suck using colored pencils):
ENTRY #41 - DAY XX:
This is called "Loneliness".
I had a particularly shitty day today, and realized that I was pretty much alone with all my shit. I mean I got these forums, I got flatmates and colleagues – but no one that like really listens to my shit, that really knows and understands me inside out. No one I can bitch to but my journal, no place where I can act weak. It's due to the fact that I quit so many things, every time I quit something – I quit some friendships with it. Now there's more people having expectations of me and pointing out my faults, than people that tell me "things are OK.". Occasionally I realize this, which then really creates a feeling of loneliness in me. I wanted to train but I felt kinda sad, I thought about just going to sleep - but it was too early. So I drew a picture or two. I locked the feeling up in there, I hope it stays.
As a reference, I've had this picture of my inner child living with a wolf in my mind for a long time. It was a method of me coping with the fact that my childhood ended quite abruptly and that I never had a chance to "live out" all these things kids do. The wolf is there for the kid – so he isn't as lonely, because I had to put him away somewhere inside me, to move on. I can't really explain, it's kind of awkward. I had to become my own parent in order to "grow up", and I needed some model in mind to preserve the inner kid. But he'd die or go crazy on his own, so there's the wolf. And if I ever need the kid he's there and well tended to, I visualize most of my emotions with this model, when I lose touch with myself.
It's really complicated. I'm not sure I understand it myself, but it's a method I use to visualize thoughts and emotions – when my words just run in circles or when life has gotten me down. This is the first time I ever attempted to draw it.
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Being on the "offensive" is very good with people. Being firm and able to ask them questions and stand by your opinion and hobbies – even if they are "uncool" – is strength that people often admire. Showing weakness is good. Telling them where you want to go and what you want to see, planning and asking them out is also very good in establishing friendships.
Many people think like they are helping by answering questions and being open to visitors. Well... actually I think that in this time and age it takes more effort to visit people and ask them for help or information than being on the other side and "giving" from the safe ground. Saying "Hello" first is breaking the ice, many will feel important when being greeted and will get cocky about it – but in reality the one greeting first is the one to be respected for his/her courage to potentially put themselves in an awkward position and ability to show respect.
I don't know why it has come to be like this, that asking for help and showing respect are traits of strong people – it seems paradoxical. I often try to take the offensive, because this way you can choose how to spend your time and have a fun life, at the same time it is also important not to get too "greedy" though and let others speak after you've broken the ice. So be patient when you got something to say, and start talking when times are boring and no one likes to talk. Or something like that!
I think it's really good that you spend time with your friends doing new things. I like how your journal is turning out, there is more action! In P&P when people couldn't come, our "Master" would always invent a story why they are knocked out in the bushes, feeling ill or doing some things – sometimes he would play the characters of the absent people when they were crucial for the story to move on, but he would call them up and ask them beforehand if it was something important. He would often talk to people in private in general, he did a pretty good job in making the story a team effort. The bigger a group gets, the higher the chance that someone won't be able to make it – you gotta develop methods to get it moving on, otherwise it will swamp. Especially if people cancel very abruptly before, because then they should be sort of "punished" for that behavior.
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ENTRY #40 - DAY XX:
I purchased a training bench for home now. It's a pretty good model featuring negative, neutral and 85-90° stance. I can use it for just about every exercise, it's foldable and pretty durable. I can see where money was saved on the design (it's quit cheap for all the features, the cushions are mediocre, nuts are welded into place and manufacture techniques applied are low-cost – but reasonably durable). As I only pack 65kg and with weights currently about 110kg – its safe for me.
I'm really happy with my purchase and I managed to hit the sweet spot cost-efficiency+quality+features on a first try. I knew from the pictures where static/mechanical weaknesses of the contstruction are, here sheet-metal with a strength of 4mm was used, welded in place on the long edges – good! The bolts are stainless steel and with a diameter of 1cm – nice! Every time I examined the parts I thought "ugly, cheap but effective durability and functionality wise". They used normed parts whenever possible, lots of nuts, screws and washers – nothing fancy. Welded steel profiles for the frame, no whacky design shit. I'm very happy. Giving it a whirl now.
EDIT: Whoa, my back feels so good, it went *knack knack* – in a good way. Sooo good! I'll probably be walking like John Wayne toworrom. Tomorrow.
EDIT2: Holy shit. My back is so awesome. This is the best feeling ever. It's like better than sex, because it's lasting so long. I feel happy all over. I don't know what I did, but I'll do it again. Sit ups on an incline must've exempted enough force in a critical direction to put my spine into place or something. I can tip my feet while standing straight, not totally well, but I have NEVER been able to do that. My back was a severe victim of hogging the screen for years.
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ENTRY #39 - DAY XX:
Okay. If it's all wrong what I'm doing, I can at least do whatever. So fuck y'all.
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ENTRY #38 - DAY XX:
Gaaaah!! I'm still an idiot.
I wish I had been spared the realization. To live is to suffer. To breathe is to choke. Something stuck in my throat, it will never callout. A scream, a shout, a cry or vomit – I'll never find out.
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Ich habe absolut kein Bock auf diese Quittung games Nummer!
Wenn du nur aufhören möchtest weil man das von dir erwartet, verhungerst du auf halber Strecke.
Um eine Sucht anzukämpfen musst du voll und ganz dahinter stehen, schreibe dir eine Liste von Eigenschaften die du dir wegen des Zockens im Laufe der Zeit angeeignet hast, die dich an dir selbst stören (zB "Ich unternehme nie was", "Ich mach kein Sport", "Ich kann nicht gut mit Leuten umgehen", etc.). Wenn nur deine Eltern möchten dass du aufhörst, oder du denkst dass man aufhören muss um Abitur zu schaffen klappt das nicht.
Auch hilft es zu erkennen, dass deine Sucht eine Gewohnheit ist. Heutzutage werden Süchte gerne als "Krankheiten" betrachtet, diese Ansichtsweise zerstört jeglichen Ansatz dagegen anzukämpfen, da kranke Menschen schließlich keine Verantwortung über ihre Krankheiten tragen. Folglich ist es von Vorteil die Sucht als Gewohnheit zu betrachten und Verantwortung zu übernehmen. Sich selbst über sein eigenes Handeln Verantwortung zuweisen halte ich für einen sehr wichtigen Schritt. Nur wenn du Schuld bist wenn du zockst, wenn du dich selbst enttäuschen kannst, kannst du auch stolz sein es nicht zu tun. Du musst also etwas auf den Tisch legen, um gewinnen zu können.
Meditation ist OK, aber ziemlich öde (für Einsteiger). Überbrück die ersten paar Tage mit Videos oder so (irgendwas, das dir zumindest ein wenig Spaß macht!) um dich abzulenken und mach dir nebenbei Gedanken was du machen möchtest – such dir ein paar Hobbies. Aufhören an sich ist sehr einfach, es ist viel mehr "was stelle ich jetzt mit meiner Zeit an?". Manche denken "Ich meditier jetzt, und mach Kung Fu und werd nen total tougher Motherfucker und reiß Chicks auf" – das tust du vielleicht in 5 Jahren, belaste dich nicht mit einer solchen Erwartungshaltung und des Weiteren wäre das ziemlich abseits von "Selbstfindung". Meditation hilft natürlich – erwiesenermaßen – in vielen Bereichen, aber es gibt noch viele Alternativen den Geist zu beruhigen. Zwing dich nicht irgendwas zu tun, was dir nicht passt, nur weil es die Gesellschaft irgendwie mal empfohlen oder vorgeschrieben hat.
Selbstfindung wird auch ein großes Thema, wenn man aufhört, da man sich als Mensch während dem Zocken nicht so richtig als Persönlichkeit im Leben etabliert. Wer bin ich? Woran glaube ich? Was macht mir Spaß? Wen finde ich scheiße? usw. all diese fragen müssen beantwortet werden, weil die Dopaminmaschine Smartphone, PC oder Laptop dir keinen Sinn mehr zuweist. Du musst dir einen neuen Suchen, und das ist sehr wichtig. Schreiben hilft dabei, aber auch viele andere Dinge (Kunst, Theater, Paintball spielen – alles eigentlich, ausser Videogucken und Surfen).
Tipp: Wenn du denkst dass du, wenn du aufhörst zu spielen, automatisch mehr lernst dann lass mich darauf hinweisen dass das eine andere Baustelle ist. Klar, man teilt seine Zeit besser ein und so, aber man fängt nicht an all seine "Zockzeit" vor Büchern zu hocken und zu pauken. Diese Fehlvorstellung haben einige und das ist ein Genickbruch, weil dadurch dem Aufhören automatisch ein "bestrafender Charakter" zugeteilt wird. Stattdessen solltest du ganz locker zu dir sein und nichts von dir erwarten (zumindest die ersten Wochen) und dir Gedanken darüber machen wie viel schöner du dein Leben gestalten kannst. Negative Vorstellungen motivieren nicht dazu sein Verhalten zu ändern.
Gelegentlich wirst du den Trieb haben zocken zu müssen, hier ist es wichtig innezuhalten und die Situation zu analysieren. Der Trieb ist eine Reaktion auf irgendwas. Frage dich "Bin ich sauer?", "Bin ich gestresst?", "Bin ich traurig?" etc, bzw erörtere dein "Innenleben". Wenn du es schaffst den Trieb als eine angewöhnte Reaktion mit gewissen Problemen/Emotionen umzugehen zu identifizieren, dann kannst du einen Krieg anfangen den du sehr leicht gewinnen kannst. "Ab jetzt gehe ich immer Joggen, wenn ich gestresst bin", "Wenn ich traurig bin schreibe ich Tagebuch oder gucke einen Film", "Wenn ich sauer bin höre ich laut Musik", etc. Du musst jeden Trieb so identifizieren und eine alternative finden mit deinen Emotionen umzugehen. Bei vielen scheitert es die Emotionen zu identifizieren, deswegen ist es wichtig innezuhalten und kurz auf sein Herz zu hören und der Emotion den richtigen Namen zu geben. Manche lernen das nicht bis an ihr Lebensende... ich empfehle dir das Buch "Paulo Coelho - Der Alchimist" – es ist ein sehr schwieriger Prozess sich diese Fähigkeit anzueignen und einer der Hauptgründe warum Teenager nervig sind und Twens oft mit Ablehnung konfrontiert werden. Sie haben nicht gelernt sich selbst zu verstehen.
Ach ja, und mach Sport. Dein Kopf kann nur so gesund sein wie dein Körper.
Ich habe bestimmt noch einiges vergessen, aber das hier ist schon Zuviel. Allerdings solltest du, wenn du dich an meinen Battleplan hälst, die ersten Monate ausfüllen können.
Viel Erfolg, freut mich dass du den Mut hattest als erster ein deutsches Tagebuch anzufangen. Ich hoffe du hälst es durch und ich wünsche dir alles Gute! Ich schau bestimmt wieder vorbei.
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Isn't it just society's value of video games being "bad" that makes us feel that shame? And why do we give society's opinion in this matter so much credit?
You could also feel ashamed for doing origami, jerking off or knitting socks. These things are not "advertised as cool" or "good" or "positive", hence we might feel shame committing to them publicly. In the end, we grow up with the desire to appeal to as many people as possible (mating reasons) – society – and being unappealing to society in public review is tied to the feeling of shame.
Shame is a sign of insecurity but at the same time a mentor to fit into society. Now it isn't super important to fit society, but to some extent necessary (for example: running around town naked is probably inappropriate no matter what society you are in) because being too unfitting can get you arrested and avoided by the general public. Mind: Society is based on culture and differs GREATLY from country to country – even from town to town, or neighborhood to neighborhood.
But as with all things that have 2 sides (like confidence and overconfidence, self-criticism and inferiority complex, care and paranoia, discipline and masochism), we "calibrate" them inside our heads according to our ability to emulate other minds, opinions and public consent. There is no right or wrong, the limits are blurry and some people feel shame for absurd things where others feel no shame for terrible deeds as a result.
The fact that gamers are ashamed for gaming (which in my opinion – even on this forum and having realized it is bad for me – shouldn't be a reason to feel ashamed) results probably from a lack of feedback from society and guilt from the realization that they aren't doing anything productive. The lack of contact to other people results in a "calibration" that is off and a disability to "emulate" other opinions accurately in their minds. This isn't just for gaming but probably any hobby where one holes up themselves in their room.
I wouldn't generalize though, as many don't feel ashamed for gaming and are completely OK. Furthermore, people watching Cams videos and making comments are already part of a group that thinks controversially about gaming. A gamer, that doesn't think this way wouldn't comment on the video in the first place – because he probably wouldn't watch it.
So you see, they realize their lives suck, they think against gaming, watch Cams videos, can't quit gaming, disappoint themselves, thus feel they disappoint society (because they lack perspective and feedback, take their own opinion of themselves as "society") and then feel ashamed. It's a pretty logical causality chain.
The older you get, the less shame you feel, by age 80-90 we all shit our pants and don't care. It's just natural. Don't feel ashamed for feeling shame. Don't feel shame.
Destoroyah's Meltdown
in Daily Journals
Posted · Edited by destoroyah
Thank you all for the advice.
It's good to see that you guys care.
I will sort this shit out somehow – give me some time.