Lets talk about the game. Last year I started gaming again after holding out for about a month without gaming. Because I didn't organize my time wisely and bored myself with too much free time, gaming became a way to kill time. Breaking my promise was an act of cheating myself, and I feel guilty about it until now. I may have lost a lot of good things while I was playing games to waste my time. So when my semester was over, I gave up gaming. It was a success, I organized my time with something meaningful every day, and now I feel energized and healthier. However, I also realized that the maybe the success wasn't my willpower that was strong enough. The social aspect of gaming is waning, and as we get older, friends who used to game together are starting jobs and have other things crowding their daily lives. In place of gaming, there are love relationships, fitness, and exhausting routine.

One year later, I'm back. After reading the journals I wrote down, I remembered myself from a year ago. Alone in Canada, miserable and disheveled. What's different is that I never let my life get that bad again. My life is improving, and I'm getting back to building my confidence and fixing my body. I think the most important thing we can do when it comes to quitting internet addiction is to accept an imperfect version of ourselves. When you realize that, stresses in your life will not be as great. At the same time, establish and fulfill that goal you will reap great joy. Even if it's a distant goal or not, when you plant this idea in your mind, move towards it and one day, one day, it will come true. That's what I'm thinking right now.

Been getting distracted a lot this morning- and upon a social interaction, realized how much my self-awareness expands when I get to talk to other people. It's something I dearly, dearly miss- genuine conversations where I get to be my (best) self. Having access to this currently unmet need- of regular human interaction -will help me greatly w/ my current struggle against pornography. Here's onto day 1. Much more committed- remember, if I manage to truly rid myself of this one addiction, the effects will span across my entire livelihood.  onwards!

Day #103-111 I've been going through some highly volatile emotional states and generally feeling a low point in my depression. Nothing of extreme urgency but it has certainly been the reason I've been so vacant from this forum, and not as present in recent weeks for my studies. This period of time ended up being the time I wanted to return to gaming most, and I have a feeling it's because I wanted to suppress the chaos within me, and I guess video games were my knee-jerk reaction to ignoring all the ruminating thoughts and emotions coursing through me. It was at my lowest point this week that I felt the strongest urge to game, and I can kinda start understanding how video games made my life derail in the way it did months ago. They were the easiest way to ignore the turmoil within. I really felt the cauldron within stir with negativity and experience those moments completely lucid and unclouded by the likes of gaming. One thing is certain. I don't see myself ever coming back to video games, especially considering how much they distracted me from the internal damage I've felt over the years. For the first time in a long while, I'm forced to confront my problems, with no room for distractions. What I'm thankful for: My consciousness. Goals for Day #112: Try and relax and not be so hard on yourself.

April 18-19 Gratitude: ~ Slept for as long as I felt necessary, - though I really do crave good-spirited action - and went to the local gym for a decent attempt ~ The weather was great, and if I had stronger connections with everyone I would have gone out immediately ~ This morning's oatmeal ~ Reading first-thing in the day and last-thing at night, which actually felt like a replacement for games and not avoidance _____________ I have so many questions, and have had so many more desires to just argue and fervently 'correct' things said and done by family and peers. I gave in to basically none at all, but had one of those almost-downward-spiralling 2-hour calls with a more experienced guy from the men's group. That tired me out, and tonight's Friday event to me was kind of unlikely to go well after getting through yesterday, so I came online here for a bit. My concern today has been the kind of zen mode that I found myself indulging in while reading and sleeping, window(s) open, that I think a a large number of my family usually reverts to. When we get to doing things, I feel like we're all just taints on each others' consciousness, and should be alone unless we've got a LOT of good energy stored up, or if there is something seriously imperative.  Now that even before this latest setting aside of games, I've not really valued the gameplay and interactions for what they were, as I did 10-15 years ago as a teenager. The physical world and everyone in it is once again quite real to me, and if I truly begin to engage with it naturally too soon, I could run into real trouble. I don't know how best to communicate this to most of the people in my life. A little while ago, when I was getting sick of my old working role, my dad told me that after so many years, I had effectively trained my boss like a seal to expect my full attention, efforts and punctuality. However, he, my friends and my family haven't completely understood the changes I've been going through over the past 2-3 years, just as they probably didn't understand how addicted I really became when I got my first gameboy and Pokemon, before moving to consoles and finally, the computer for a very long time now. My dad praised my patience yesterday without acknowledging or confessing what we both probably understood warranted that patience. So I'll continue to make use of that, at the very least. I might come back to edit a little bit, but for now - peace ~ Matt