4 May - 8 May: Traveled around with my girlfriend a bit more again. We cleared up some future holiday/traveling expectations and planning as well. It wasn't easy to communicate these things, but I believe we are on the same page now and we don't need to clash about it in the future. The weather wasn't as good yesterday and today, but we still managed the trips.

True, that's often how I got by with a long line of pizza orders ahead. 😛 I also wonder if Po should use this book he recommended to answer you! I'm only 2/3 finished reading it. (edit: p184-187, wow! - 'the courage to be disliked') 

I guess people/actors enter a trance-like experience when they perform. Sure, they have some skills we don't have, but I also think they calibrate themselves towards the performance too. I think theatre actors are mainly interested in these states/benefits and that's why they do their jobs. I'm curious. How do you understand the word "meritocracy"? What is it in your eyes? From the way I understand it, good performers get a raise, get recognition/good feedback etc. To link up to what I wrote above, let's say I want to visit a play in a classical theatre. I pay my time (and normally some money too) and I expect a certain level of performance from the actors. They don't need to be the best and do their best on that day, but the idea here is I can't "see through them" whether they mess something up. I think if the institution put together a bunch of amateurs with little experience/little finesse/little care, I'd have every right to be unhappy with their lack of skill. I'd prefer to watch a bunch of average professionals who know their business, likely who got to the theatre play based on merit and who worked their way up from being amateurs at first. (Note I am not arguing whether some jobs should be paid more/less or whether being a CEO is more valuable than being a regular worker.)

It's been a week since my last post,     A week has passed since my last post, yesterday I played for a few hours and because of that I only slept for 5 hours.   I feel bad, but I don't look into this feeling.   Tired again.   I played because I'm stressed the next day at work, whether I'll do everything right, whether the tasks I had planned but didn't do will cause me problems.   I also played so I wouldn't feel lonely because I could talk to my friends.   I have huge problems concentrating, it took me about 30 minutes to write this short post. I need to bring back my inner voice, it was silenced some time ago.   I'm starting to add more things to my action plan again and it's already become too much. I need to update my priorities. 1. Sleep well 2. Stop browsing YouTube, Twitch, Facebook (unless for a specific purpose) 3. Exercise 4. Limit listening to music - don't listen to it when you need to concentrate (or listen to music that will help you focus), find time in complete silence, it's best to go outside in the evening and think. 5. Diet - better nutrition, no sweets and sweet drinks 6. Writing assignments on the board in my room. I don't know if it's too much, but that's all I would like to change in the near future, I'll see in a week if I have any chance of following these points.   If it doesn't work, don't change it, just remove the ones that cause me the most problems.   I'm starting to understand the impact writing about my problems has on my well-being.   Thank you all for being here!    

Welcome,  I'm so glad that you came to visit my journal and added something from yourself!   I'm just looking for that balance. Sometimes it is difficult for me to refuse something from someone who uses me, but I am slowly resisting. I find that I prefer to be nice to people who are nice to me. Before, I was nice to literally everyone.