Day 63 (thu):
Full day at work. Good before and after. Time for bed, and right on time.
Habit Tracker: Good habits: 213; Procrastination: -810; Addictions: -70; Other bad habits: -23; Identity total: -690
Alright, the time is finally ripe for a big update. Some of it are gonna be my own thoughts of my past and some of them are gonna be things I discussed with the people I know.
Going back to my past, I am inclined to believe that the relationship was the classic romantic love. There was passion, there was connection, but no lasting trust/commitment. All of that was done unconsciously.
That is probably nothing new, however it might be the explanation for my drive for connection/sex I am working on experiencing again, BUT also consciously throwing in the responsibility/trust factor in to make the next relationship last longer. I am still new to the concept of responsibility, but I believe I made a good headway the last 4 months.
I also notice the "savior" complex to try and help someone (without going into much detail IF they actually deserve/need help) is still present in me. It was there when I tried to "help" my ex out of depression, it was still partly there when we had some issues on the workplace recently.
I have to be conscious of that and try to cop around for the justice of others less. Their problems are theirs and my problems are mine. That's that.
Another one I found out is that "If you want peace, prepare for war." applies to human relationships as well.
It sounds strange, but for example if I call out someone on lying to me, I do not do it to invalidate all the good things they have done before and show them they are completely untrustworthy. I do it because I want to make them aware of it and find out why they were lying AND I will be happy if they return the favor sometime in the future when I might get out of line myself.
Honestly, I do not think one can maintain this kind of a relationship with everyone they regularily meet. Family, romantic partner and friends, and that is probably all. It will probably not include a random Joe at work, though maybe if you call him out and he accepts the callout gracefully, you might become friends through that. Who knows, life is weird!
Back to the saying, I would say most people are not prepared for war with most people, so peace (which I guess is friendship in this analogy) is impossible and rather, they have an armistice. Chances are there is plenty of unmarked mines laying around, ready to blow up and send them both to war.
And a classic to top it off, you cannot make someone change. They can be a liar, racist, arrogant prick, stomping kids' sandcastles on a beach - whatever. You can perhaps try to make them aware of the issue, but that is all you can do.
It was sure a long entry, but it sums up my summer work experience and a few other bits that help me understand myself and others.
Day 65 - Game free!
I’m back home. Work is sending me right back out to a remote locale. Exciting. I will be finishing my detox there.
Got my laptop back from warranty. Tonight will be a real test, but I have plenty to keep me busy before my flight in the morning.
One day at a time... Have had a few conversations with women that were nice.
Day 57 - Nostalgia and stress
For the past 2 days I've been getting some above average cravings.
What I've realized is that my biggest triggers are unplanned days and fear of failure.
If I'm not working and don't plan to go out, it usually just turns into a sad, empty day. It's crucial that I plan and do everything i set out for each day. Or I'm going to relapse.
Another craving problem which is even more problematic is fear of failure.
When I sit down and decide I'm gonna do something, this overwhelming fear strikes me. I feel like I can't do it, like i failed already.
It all comes back to confidence. These new tasks are going to be tough. I need to get through them if I want to grow.
Or I'll live thinking what If forever.
Fear paralizes me and wants me to go back to my comfort zone, gaming.
I'm scared of trying to do difficult tasks.
I feel like I can't outrun my cravings.
I'm working on it.
I'll figure it out.
This weekend I'll force my self to learn some blogging skills.
I need confidence.
I also want to walk up and start conversations with random girls. I'll force my self to do some during the weekend.
At the end of the day...
I should be happy I got through another day of the detox.
It isn't much, but atleast I didn't give up.
Tomorrow's a new day and a new challenge.
Everything's in arms reach, all I gotta do is fight for it everyday.
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!
Any area that encourages or facilitates "anonymous keyboard warriors" is going to be a cesspool. Social media has given us the impression that we are entitled to an opinion and everyone wants to hear it (and that it is right). Social media has a lot to answer for!