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Sunday morning, day 5: Is it really right to expect problems if I made an easy, natural or even neutral choice of reading material (Harry Potter) at the very end of the evening, that kept me calmer still? I had long, largely untroubled sleep and dreaming, got started moving about the room, but as I made breakfast, out of nowhere I simply remembered - like someone I knew - a confronting past situation (or several) that I didn't feel like squaring up for at the time, and let myself think of angry actions and vocalisations. Such is a disorder, remembering such things perhaps, but I could possibly link the timing of situations like that to significant achievements in gaming. Should we as problem-solving people always start at the root, at prevention of such things? As a teenager initially, I didn't trust the world enough to risk spending exploratory nights out or truanting from school - so I did homework and sat at my computer during many free hours. Blame seems to complement enduring anger, which is why I shouldn't choose it often. Did I not make good friends? Did people and I have too many stubborn differences? As a last comparison, while signing into that game whenever I had spare energy (not only time), some part of me at least felt that I was 'doing all I could' to progress - though it mostly led to empty feelings eventually. Such an attitude with none of that gameplay at all leaves almost too much time for me to spend chasing the same 'amount' of progress, offline. I avoid real trouble socially because my control over a situation seems to be perceived as contemptuous - as if people think that I'd rather lose control all of the time. 'Everyone' (this is a large majority) that I interact with, I have faith in their ability to grow and/or progress. Did people in my life give up on me too early? All I'd have to do in that case would be adjust my expectations and remember that in this abstinence journey, I am giving others time as much as I am giving myself, outside of cordial conversation. Maybe a difference is that I don't expect easy fixes from here, myself.  Edit (Afternoon): In 'Life at the Bottom', the author uses his experiences as a way to indirectly imply that a softer, finer or perhaps more wholesomely-dedicated way of living is almost always preferable to the opposite. I may have finished deciding to type that because it's over a cup of tea - seriously though, only because the tea is warm, un-caffeinated, and it's technically Winter. I didn't have to resort to a seriously-consuming addiction to enjoy it, either. Anyway, would any of you say that having a majority of people with the favourite passion of say, staring up admiringly at the sky, and a minority of (dedicated) aggressive, warrior-types, would not be preferable to the reverse? Sure, maybe that's the case (or preference) that we have already, but I'm only convincing myself a little more here out of a need to put constant, aggressive reactions further behind me. That, and the internet is not always a psychologically calm place - even I have shown as much. I wish that the compulsion to stick to games was never as strong and aggressive, even when it's perhaps supposed to be mind over matter when playing at them. As a long term newbie-intermediate, I was still overly attached to it and its outcomes. Only, bearing witness as I did to several aggressive kids' behaviours in school, those which outstripped most of my own, seems to have been necessary to initially kick me into gear to later exercise my body as well - that said, I only lifted consistently-aggressively for 2-3 of my first years in the gym, from 2010 on. I had to get over that, just as I got over a couple of exes' attractions to that side of me. All factors of health are important, even when I personally started with some of the most basic. I should keep some idea of that in mind for balance, rather than an equally-advanced RPG character-level profile on a screen, and consequently keeping a guard so high that a seven-foot humanoid would still have to reach for it. The only downside to maintaining such a balance seems to be sleeping long hours again, for now. Gratitude: ~ Good weather ~ Some socialising at the gym, leading to a peaceful moment ~ Checked the chapter structure of the new book to see that it does speed up - I'd almost rather it was 150% longer, and didn't, but so it goes ~ Realising that cleaning before breakfast is slightly torturous - especially when it's made already Enjoy the weekend, all ~ Matt

Entry 12.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 178: No Useless Videos Day 1010: Sticking to Food schedule Day 613: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 161: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - Afternoon workout - 3 pomodoros - Calling two apartment owners 1 Thing I could do better - Print my foodplanning of the p[lanning in the morning as template aswell as food names Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 179

Saturday morning, day 4: I slept in two blocks, with literally two hours after midnight just spent reading and puzzling without suffering much tiredness at all, before going back down.  One of my first thoughts today was of how perhaps experienced people give advice on real-world goals, with phrases like 'going after it'. What I thought is involved in that specifically is: A) General research, B) Telling key people of your interest, and C) Meshing together with those and other people, and learning their goals so that you find helpful information for them, when bored. Then perhaps comes D) Identifying one's self with a role, and taking smart social risks. I don't know, if I weren't so desperate to chill out still at almost every opportunity, I'd be ingratiated with the staff at my gym, say, - but I probably don't maintain seriousness enough for a lot of people. I thought of goals because after 6 months this year of gaming thoughts and plans, those online were so clear-cut compared to those I have in the real world, which is a scary realisation. I'm good at seeing, and distractions are difficult. Well, gym and other things today are very likely. Maybe I'll get a new perspective along with it. _____ Edit: The first 2/4-3/4 of the day are usually alright, in this abstinence gig; wake up, exercise, buy from supermarket if need be, and reading when idle. Most of the time, raw entertainment like too-action-packed movies/TV/games find no place in scheduling, even in my head. I've had two very human moments today and yesterday, just staring at interesting buildings when nothing else was drawing my attention. It's very nearly the most I get, other than the constant-action I tried to squeeze out of my days since long ago. PvP gaming, food service, exercise and fast music; it was not only fun, but made commitments feel easy and natural by comparison. When did I think it was ever too much? When it was 'just one more PvP fight, one more date, or five more minutes for the next bus'. Simple - easy. Suddenly people got sick of my way, and I couldn't see why, so I demanded honesty and clarity, and didn't get it. In fact, it seemed like punishment. I did my diligence to start reflecting regularly, but not enough improved. Thus, an eventual need for medication.  I was actually ready to make a speech/slideshow to friends and family at a gathering once, ten years ago, to explain what gaming meant to me, but also what I was getting out of life, appropriately enough, but the scene was too disorganised, which I take some credit for. So I kept playing a little more, until there was my first episode. I could arrogantly say that 'nobody could keep up with me anymore', but maybe just no one was willing to. It sucked. Medication helped, if half because people took the situation more seriously after it was prescribed. I went back to gaming more steadily, but put in a ton more hours than ever, being a 'free' adult. I took stronger medication, and watched movies for 2 years instead. That was good for some movie scenery and dialogue (and the old sense of action) which I was missing, that people still weren't quite ready to give me. I made a new friend or two, and moved out of home alongside a sibling and friend. After a year of beating the system there, and a night at a friend's engagement, I picked up 2 hours of extremely simple and repetitive gameplay per night, for 2 straight years. From almost day 1, my new favourite 'gaming album' was desperately emotional music. I didn't really want to play; I didn't really know what I wanted. I got spiritually tired, as covid was finishing up, and it was lucky that I got the chance to move closer to town and had to forcibly change medication once more. I pretty much got my head back onto my shoulders. So much has happened though, and one of the few things I still care about is good, fair, social cohesion. Otherwise, I could be doing anything - though some activities I'd have to use significant force of personality/spirit to get through, and that might raise eyebrows again. It may be that I'll have to store up another several months of the aforementioned moments, even more consciously, before I can just muck in to work/close ties again. I know that constant electronic action doesn't do much good at all. Is this going to be a regular ranting tone? Probably not, unless too many things happen too soon. I all but promised to turn up at my local gym again tomorrow, but there was also almost no pressure applied from the promisee. We'll see about any progress on this new Sunday. Good luck all. _____ Gratitude: ~ 'Broken' sleep not making itself an issue ~ Guessing when to swap books/news for different reading intensity ~ Dish/washing machines ~ Getting positive guilt for not reaching out to/thinking of some people when they're online, then acting in some way Peace,  ~ Matt

Entry 11.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 177: No Useless Videos Day 1009: Sticking to Food schedule Day 612: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 160: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - Afternoon workout - 3 pomodoros - Having called various accountants and finished filling most of the gain and loss statement 1 Thing I could do better - When I see I´m doing a lesson until late, do parts of the evening routine beforehand, to avoid missing important hours of sleep Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 178

Friday morning, day 3: Wow, intensely dreamt game compulsion - not even of a realistic past or planned scenario, just something I could 'easily' and quickly 'put right'. I used to wake up with that feeling from work, but less intense because this time, only I was interested in the outcome, and it was (previously) 'fun'. But you know, crawling out of bed and forgetting to do a whole half of the morning routine, just to get an in-game fix is hell to receive perspective on. I read some of that new book too for a couple of hours, and didn't find it as 'shallow' as before - I definitely gave more consideration to things generally yesterday, and that's probably because I don't ignore 1000 things a day without all that solo gameplay.  Otherwise, good standard workout yesterday. I'll see what's really 'up' on Saturday morning there, hopefully.  Edit: I'll tell you, that's a rough-darn book I've found. Harry Potter has its moments too, but you know what it reads him saying at the end? 'I've had enough trouble for a lifetime' - casually. This one is easier, unfortunately, to imagine an average person saying/thinking/doing. But maybe this is because it's one of the only books at home that I haven't read cover to cover. Maybe giving up that game was too easy to do, this time. To gym properly on back to back days, or not to gym? I'll clean some more, etc. anyway. Peace. Gratitude: ~ Forgot, free cocoa and gifted socks ~ Still 'sniffing the air' for caution, but placing more equal value on things ~ Being healthily reminded of details ~ Social meet today Cheers all, ~ Matt