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Monday night: I let an easy process take place tonight.  I won't post screenshots, but I'll say that what I thought, was that I treated my Dad like a friend in text, and eventually he reverted to treating me like a child. I went for a second, neutral walking circuit, and came back to eventually make full use of my computer (and the game), as I was stuck in my head with old anger (yes, I remember my forum signature very well, still). Unlike my process, which was a 90-minute 'fishing' session on my ex-favourite, problem game, in my view it should not have been so easy for Wheatbiscuit Senior (WS) to 'thought-spam' (my term for excessive extraverted thinking) me, and then offer a partial and then eventual complete solutions to a word puzzle we used to tackle together quite often. -> Alright, an accurate example would be one of the protagonists from the movie 'Hancock' attempting to sound out the words, 'Good job', in order to prompt Hancock to repeat them. It was high-comedy in the movie, but insulting to yours truly.  Had I done the same to him, I'd have faced outright and open dismissal, I am certain. I've had it on mostly-good authority that since long ago now, WS has intended to aim for friendship with me, instead of blessed fatherhood, after certain changes in relationships. But boundaries and distinctions are a joke to him, it seems. I've re-deleted the functional gaming files (big, sarcastic whoop), but my mind in its worst state, amidst the pondering of such aforementioned problems, frequently conjures up scenarios of a physical, bellowing beat-down as the only way to get through to him. Not acceptable. There is someone who might stand by my side in more civil, imagined situations than above, but I already feel bad for them and still wish the wider world well (obviously). If I can't talk to them tomorrow, I'll raise the issue with WS.  Thanks for reading, and my apologies for the ex-gaming demotivation.  Peace, ~ Matt

Monday morning: You wouldn't believe my brain/dream behaviour; I literally imagined that the most-likely potential activity if I gave up this fight had its experience points rates doubled. Yes, and I continued to see the rapidly-descending numbers on-screen, in my mind, as they occur in so few places in the problem game. But I've just forced myself outside for a walking circuit, and quickly allowed myself to play OK music through my earphones. Something struck me as I reached the home stretch, which was someone's assertion that 'You don't have (Nobody has) time to game'. I amended this statement in the same way, once more this morning - 'There isn't really ever a good time to game.' I realised this because, even while I needed some of my own music to break the perceived, antisocial silence and presence out on the street (on a fine Monday morning, but a Monday nonetheless), there is always an ebb and flow of energies and movements/postures; snippets of conversation and context. A manufactured lack of that dynamic is allowed on my problem game, or perhaps any that presents a central avatar. The clicking activity I mentioned here first is a largely-isolated area, and as in many other activities, offers constant 'gains', almost no matter what anyone else feels, or chooses to do. That ebb and flow is life, aside from extreme abnormalities that threaten it (and everything else that lives/simply tries to survive and get by). My decision to play music 'privately' in my ears, alone, distorted reality enough, but it also acted as prevention of any severe agitation. The only thing that concerned me as a possible threat was the semi-common, spoken-into-earphones audio call, by a man in high-visibility clothing, holding a removed poster and what could have been a box-cutter, which he fidgeted with. It was just that combination, including my choice of music that rang soft bells - until he longingly reminisced about a recent 'smashed avocado' meal.  So a good morning, really, given the two weekend workouts and other things I also did during it. Monday awaits. Peace, ~ Matt

Nice update - I recognise that feeling perhaps of opening up a thought pathway or two. One week during a break I took from my problem game as a teenager, we were given a science experiment for homework. I timed how quickly my dog ate dinner, before and after his walk, and explained how I couldn't have controlled the weather/temperature's effect on his appetite as well. I almost got full marks - things like that and other randomly discovered interests definitely seem to help at such times as these. 

Friday was productive for me. Change of environment really helps. I don't know how big of an impact being in a heated room has on productivity, but staying at home on the weekend where there is little air conditioning really doesn't help with focusing. However, today was a good day in a sense - I didn't waste time gaming. Watched a bunch of videos on philosophy and history - don't remember the last time I did something like this haha Doing good overall - starting to get back to meditating as I did before. Still behind deadlines, but feeling more confident about myself.

Sunday morning: There is forecast one more sunny day, before another week of rain. *sigh*  Yesterday evening, there were two things: 1) New neighbours/neighbours' guests, I think tried to open my door (with a wrong key, presumably), and also seemed to make an attempt at barging it, in the hope it would open. Because I'm a little wiser than before, I suspended judgment and suggested to myself the many ways in which those things could have been innocent/drunken mistakes. As the people (mostly males in their 20s, or similar-sounding) began to leave, I thought I heard one of them describe my appearance. That was irritating. I may have to make another peaceful offer of tea and biscuits spontaneously, next.  2) As I listened to the above ^,  I was actually reading a 'dark' sub-reddit. Last night was a strangely conscious decision to search for something to read from the community, and within 5 minutes, it came to me. Luckily, there were several profound 'conversations' going on, and I read for ~2 hours last night, and ~1 hour this morning, on my phone (*double-sigh*) before deciding to get up with some more caffeine. Both of those occurrences made me feel like a good little (processing) unit, especially as I wasn't compelled to either engage with the young men near my door, or contradict anybody on reddit/force what views/experience that I have. I just listened.  Today, at lunch, I mean to drop off a resume nearby. I want to be attached to the outcome, but simultaneously I don't. My thoughts are along the lines of 'if I am given a chance to work there, which is half-likely, how long will I continue to grow/will the staff consider me to have been a worthy hire by the time it might take me to move on from the job?' It's strange to think of it that way, as opposed to a guaranteed ~year of happy work/productivity, but there it is, I guess. I have continued to picture a few 'good-old-number increases' on my ex-game (like an ex-relationship that might continue to flirt back to me), but I've been balancing that against the number of hours I'd likely spend chasing them, and how I'd have to be sitting on the near-edge of my seat for so long. Also, it's easy to sign in, but as testament to instant-gratification desires, the re-download process is doubly painful for not only that, but being able to post here without a nagging conscience as well.  That's all for now, good luck everyone. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ A 'real swinging' lifting session, upon invitation to the gym ~ Solid series of job applications ~ I'm probably going to adjust my diet, after some phone discussion tonight - avoiding wheat where I can, for a week or longer ~ Gonna give a shout out to technology, simply because I had some fun reading more recent psychological life posts this weekend, at my fingertips