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Hitaru

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Everything posted by Hitaru

  1. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    - Waking up like a normal person: checked.
    Breakfast still an issue, but it will probably get better with effort and planning (God help me so Cam makes that health mastery program, or maybe I should say help Cam make it good ). I reconnected with my team in LHBC (Lifehack Bootcamp) and used an app to organize my week. It looks like a rotating clock that constantly highlights what I should be doing at the moment and what comes next, just by checking my phone's main screen. Fancy! There's still some huge and worrisome blanks, but at least tuesday and thursday are fully covered. Monday and Wednesday mornings as well. From that point on, I have to improvise. Or take up some hobby. I'd rather not think too much about it right now, but I'll keep ruminating a solution. Small achievements.
    On a side note, the arrival of the first spanish-speaking people to the forum has hyped the fuck out of me, the translation hub got revamped and updated, and for the first time I devoted a specific time of the day only to focus in translations. This looks good!
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  2. Hitaru added a post in a topic Hello there! [Curdberthus Introduction]   

    ANOTHER SPANIARD

    Prepare yourself Poland.
    Spaniard with bad English what a fucking meme. #notallspaniards
    No, pero en serio ahora, ¡bienvenido! Welcome to the forum! 

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  3. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Last week was devoted to reflection and recovery, setting me up for sucess, or at least for survival (survival would also be a hell of a goal). I'm not fully invested again in LH Bootcamp and my daily responsibilities yet, but I believe I'm on the right path. I had to take some decisions, hard ones, and stop negotiating with myself in non-negotiable things. I knew I had to do it since the very beginning, but I didn't dare. "Is this website that bad? Yes, yes it is..". "Aren't you being unreasonable with the time assigned to non-essential internet things? No, no I'm not", and so on. I even assigned time to writing this journal, to avoid mindlessly refreshing the page again and again or just staring at it. Yes, it's that bad. 
    The jitters and brain crap are still a huge issue, but it will pass. It will. At least this time I'm not wanting to die while I cope with them. No, I want to live, I want to see where all this leads me to. I'm developing a huge interest in self-preservation based on sheer curiosity of witnessing. I guess that's the first step before a genuine desire of taking action and see it reflected upon my small piece of world. Life probably works that way.
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  4. Hitaru added a post in a topic [ES] ¡Sólo por hoy!   

    ¡Bienvenido al foro!
    Antes de nada debo decirte que leerte es pura poesía amigo, te expresas de una manera realmente interesante, particular y a la vez sincera. 
    Conozco lo que significa estar en una relación en la que sientes que las cosas no deberían ser así, que estás haciendo daño, muchas veces sin saber por qué lo haces y también te están haciendo daño, muchas veces sin saber por qué te lo mereces (porque hay una parte de uno mismo que de manera irracional ya asume que te lo mereces, no sé si a ti te pasará lo mismo). Y es realmente duro. No puedo más que respetar tu dolor y tu frustración, pero también decirte que con el tiempo pasa. Todas las relaciones marcan mucho, pero las primeras y las que ocurren durante una época concreta o difícil pueden llegar a definir la vida de una persona, su visión del mundo. Y eso puede llegar a ser un problema mayor que la tristeza que es temporal. Lo mejor que puedes intentar, aunque suene a cliché, es dejar el pasado en el pasado, apreciar lo bueno porque en su momento lo era y dejar de castigarte por lo malo. Solo aprender, tomarlo como una experiencia, algo que te hizo evolucionar y conocerte más a ti mismo.
    Sabes, creo que muchas veces entramos en una espiral masoquista para justificar nuestra inacción y nuestro miedo. "No es que no me atreva a tomar las decisiones que en el fondo sé que debo tomar, es que me merezco estar en esta situación, merezco sufrir, que todo vaya mal, fracasar". Eso nos exime de responsabilidad. No somos nosotros, es el mundo en nuestra contra, el determinismo de que no elegimos ser desgraciados, la vida eligió por nosotros. Pero lo elegimos. Cada día que tomamos esas pequeñas decisiones fáciles, jugar, callar, esconderse, marcan el camino. Y eso asusta, asusta tener tanta responsabilidad. Asusta joderla y saber que los demás van a seguir con su día, que las cosas realmente importantes de tu vida son solo cosa tuya. "No me merezco tanto poder", y al pensar eso ya no hay que hacer nada, eso es lo cómodo, cómodo no de perezoso sino de seguro. Pero sabes que está mal. Si no lo supieras, o te diera igual, no te sentirías mal, vivirías feliz y pasivo.
    Ahora mismo estás asustado, estás dolido, estás enfadado y agobiado, y todo eso no solo es normal sino que está bien. Es legítimo que te sientas así, es más, lo preocupante sería que no lo hicieras. Solo tienes que saber que has tomado la decisión correcta, estás en el buen camino y aquí tienes una comunidad de gente que entiende por lo que estás pasando y te apoya, aunque no te conozca(mos) en persona o estemos a miles de kilómetros los unos de los otros. Mucho ánimo, sigue escribiendo (créeme, yo veía lo del diario como una tontería, como de adolescentes de película americana mala, pero ayuda, de verdad).
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  5. Hitaru added a post in a topic Bob's Journey   

    Hey Bob! 
    I've been doing some catching up with your journal and I'm up to date now. What you're doing is amazing, man. And I can speak with full knowledge, because I'm quitting porn and Youtube at the same time and it's being Hell. Anxiety, loneliness, nightmares, crying, body shakes, exhaustion... the full pack, as you also describe in your experience. If this was learning to use a bicycle, you went full mountain biking, and I can only deeply admire and respect you for your efforts. Not many do as you do, leaving the forums and keep returning, keep trying, keep fighting, and with all the changes that are happening around you, inside and outside. And winning, because you can't slack off now, but also acknowledge, you are winning, day at a time. Currently, it's 2/4/0 in my Porn/YT/Fap counter, and I'm already struggling and not seeing the end of this. I can only hope (and wish) to reach your time as strong as you. You're an example, friend.
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  6. Hitaru added a post in a topic THE IRONY OF IT ALL: I was offered a job in the Videogame Industry   

    Spanish military is not exactly well paid and I could travel more efficiently with my own (mother's) means, so yeah it's more about the self-development and the commendation in the CV (though the effect in my reputation as citizen will work better abroad than here, in Spain the military will always be somewhat considered a fascist social club). 
    @Ed you nailed it man. On one hand the military is not the dream of my life. Or rather, my gut feeling is I could make a good living in the military, but a lifelong commitment makes it impossible in practical terms to do the soul-searching stuff (lots of travelling for the most part) and that's a deal-breaker. My opinion may change, but for now, I can see its usefulness as a character building temporary experience, no matter if positive or negative. And yes you're right, I can get more offers. I wouldn't believe in the past, I mean, I don't have a shit done. This was an extremely pleasant surprise.
    THE VEREDICT: I wrote them an email briefly explaining my circumstances and why I would probably not be the best suited candidate for this particular job, and also hinted I would be really interested in a position were I could be paid to promote responsible gaming. They replied acknowledging my reasons and said they would consider me for future offers.
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  7. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Last week was a mess. I've said this a thousand times, it's my body trying to resist change. I've fallen deep into a mild depression, watching porn and gaming film, even more than when I was in detox. So I guess I poisoned myself again, even if I didn't do the playing myself. But if after 318 days your life is still surrounded by gaming content, escape and instant gratification, what's the difference? 
    None, I say. I made a courageous (or should I say desperate) move and blocked again direct access to bothersome things. Laptops are blocked during the night to ensure sleep (or journaling), and porn in particular is blocked during the day. Next the gaming content. The final push for Berlin, huh.
    My 40~ish euro headphones suddenly broke after less than 5 months, what a programmed obsolescence sham. I need that shit, I'll have to check on Amazon. Traditional commerce my ass.
    ALSO THIS HAPPENED.
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  8. Hitaru added a topic in Celebrate   

    GQ "Official" Spanish translator got licensed
    or rather should I say "only" Spanish translator (so far).
    Anyway, I'm the real thing now!! The results of my Cambridge English C1 (CEFR) certification exam arrived, and I scored a whopping score of 203 out of 210. That means I got a mention for showing C2 skills (which is the maximum). Most schools and businesses will accept that, and if I join the military, chances are I'll probably get a comfy(er) position working with our american NATO overlords (unless, you know, all those positions are reserved for NCOs and officers' in-laws).
    *Performs victory dance in spanish*
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  9. Hitaru added a post in a topic Bob's Journey   

    Only you can tell. Gaming was the one doing the most impact in my life, and yet the easiest of the three to quit (in my case change soda for YouTube). And it was Hell, mind you. In other circumstances I would advise you to quit one at a time (and probably in this order: soda, games, porn) but maybe the urgency of your situation will help you get through. If you did that you would positively become one of the major legends of this community. It's already amazing that you are even trying. 
    I would have given up a long time ago. I salute you. Don't take it as "You've fought enough" but "You have the perseverance to make it" Trust me on this. Each try makes you stronger and more resolute. We're rooting for you man.
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  10. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    I know. It's not in my current character and self-esteem to freely acknowledge it. But I know. Precisely yesterday I had a really insightful conversation with a dear friend about this. All my fears (failure, success getting over my head, expressing myself) come down to a single thing: fear of rejection (sounds familiar @Cam Adair?). I don't know where the hell does this come from, but I'm really interested in finding out. Probably another of those "lifelong quests" but that doesn't bother me. Much.
    LH Bootcamp began and damn is it intense. I'm not being paid for saying this and I'm not saying it completely as a good thing, but the sheer amount of content is INSANE. As if it was a way of encouraging you to prioritize and discriminate because you won't be able to check it all, at least in these 8 weeks. Yep, I think it's exactly that. But, it's going acceptably well so far. Acceptably because my efforts have been acceptable, but I can do lots better. As in many other things in my life.
    Also, this happened, if you haven't seen it already: https://forum.gamequitters.com/topic/4173-the-irony-of-it-all-i-was-offered-a-job-in-the-videogame-industry/ . I'm still laughing. That kind of surprised "My, what now" laughter. Not self-deprecating one. I see that as a really good thing. I believe my worldview is becoming more lighthearted and optimistic. That can only lead to good. 
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  11. Hitaru added a topic in Lifestyle   

    THE IRONY OF IT ALL: I was offered a job in the Videogame Industry
    I uploaded my CV in the EURES portal, European Comission Youth Opportunity etc. etc. Almost like a joke. The main title was "Future President of Europe" (because fuck it, my CV is already a joke, even if that position would really be really desirable for me in the long, long future). My life went on. I began to study for entering the Navy. And then someone noticed my CV.
    I was offered a customer service position in a leading corporation, with an acceptable salary (compared to the rest of my options), in Lisbon (awesome place, and near my hometown too), a wonderful team and multiple benefits, including a room with covered expenses, portuguese and sports lessons (they mentioned surf, so you can guess the levels of cool we're talking), invitations to events, travel reimbursement and insurance. Internal promotions, flexible hours, the whole gig. A freaking goldmine. The first time I was offered to work in ANYTHING.
    It comes from the developing company of Clash of Clans, one of the most addictive games out there. 
    MY, FUCKING, LORD.
    I mean holy shit man. Holy fuck. What kind of jest is this? I don't, I don't even. Wow. Just... dude. My "excuse" for leaving for the Armed Forces was having a job, getting my ass out of the couch and earning money for myself. Well, there you have it. In a god damned mobile game company. Me cago en la puta tío. I must confess I'm laughing so hard at myself and these kinds of surrealist things that keep happening in my life. No irony, my life, if anything, makes for a honest laugh many times. 
    But, despite the philosophical implications of this karmic twist, should I pursue this? They won't hire me at a 80% of probability, since I don't have experience in the sector. But what if they do? What would be my place there? Not as my position. I mean my ethical place. I'm pretty invested in my studies right now, and while I could cover up the expenses of what I've already invested in them financially, this looks as a by the book example of the typical thing that makes you distracted and in the end you get nothing. Should I take a deeper interest in the offer and see where this goes? Would it be a moral thing to do? Would it benefit me more than the military?
     
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  12. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

     Yesterday and today were tough. Here's my latest NoFap journal entry from yesterday:
    Today, meh. Helped mom with groceries, that was a good thing. Taking baby steps towards improving my diet, it will be crucial to keep my kitchen well stocked no matter how boring going to the supermarket may be. My hair is now cut short (whoa...!) and clothes are a much simpler affair in summer, so the "Oh no I need to be perfectly groomed before going out" excuse is as good as dead for now. I'm expecting a call from a LH Bootcamp coach and things have been going ugly so far, with several technical issues and annoying setbacks. Most days I feel I make a small victory in my studies, learning this, checking on that... but I fear it will not be enough being as hard-pressed for time. Jesus, will this always be so damn hard and bothersome.
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  13. Hitaru added a post in a topic [PT] Este não é um RPG   

    Amigo, obrigado por la oportunidad de aprender portugués 
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  14. Hitaru added a post in a topic ASK: Forums Icons   

    I like them! 
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  15. Hitaru added a post in a topic Awake and out of the fog!   

    Welcome to the forum!
    Whoa, kudos to your wife, she must be awesome by the way you talk about her. And you seem to love each other deeply. I can only respect and admire that.
    Having people to rely on and have your back, to challenge and motivate you is really, really important. Since you are an army man, I'm sure you already know what discipline can accomplish even with the most imperfect people. 
    You have the tools and you know the drill sir. 90 days, cold turkey. What we can recommend you is accountability, journaling, and filling the void of games with new engaging activities. We have success stories of people with a family (the most notable the legendary Joe, aka @wookieshark88). 
    See you around! 
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  16. Hitaru added a post in a topic Lacking the knowledge on a wide range of topics   

    I KNOW how you feel. I look smart. I mean my face, my face looks like a know a fuckton of stuff. Far from the reality, because of games. It really makes me uncomfortable, specially around knowledgeable friends (and specially about films, because I love the art). I have this constant feeling of being some kind of fraud, even when it's not my fault looking (uhm, and being a bit, ok) nerdy.
    The best advice I can give you is: LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN. Every random piece of information can serve in a casual conversation. You never know what you can learn next. Become a human radar. When you feel ready, make questions. When someone makes a reference, write it down discreetly, check it out at home later, whatever. Take it easy. You will eventually find out two things:
    1. People tend to talk about the same things, so you will be subtly asked to know about some topics more than others. Rocket science can be fascinating, but you will probably be talking more about music... (Your strategy may vary at this point, you can try to be a jack of all trades or be that unusual guy who talks about rocket science. Or a bit of both. It is really an art, human interaction).
    2. Many people drop shallow information to look smarter and better informed than their peers. When you put yourself in the world you will begin to REALLY notice this, not just acknowledge it's a thing. You will smell it. You will predict it. It will probably disappoint you and comfort you at the same time, since the expectative of the information you consider you need to know will drop.
    I can't tell you this enough, take it easy, keep your cool. Learn slowly. Have fun learning, don't take it as a chore (trust me I also know that feeling). And L I S T E N.
    Best luck! Please keep us updated if you can and want. 
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  17. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Nearing a week in NoFap while at home (my record was 14 days while traveling, 4 days 12 hours at home). I'm really excited about it. It's hard. Real hard. But worth it. 
    I recorded myself for the first time for the intro video of the Lifehack Bootcamp. I had that little thorn in my side since Beyond, and now I can finally say, I did it! A new barrier taken down, woo! I might even come to like seeing my face in the screen...  (being hygienic, with my hair cut and beard trimmed helped a lot. See, preparation is key, specially for someone perfectionist like me). I'm in a great mood right now.
    I'm also taking my studies more seriously. That means more economic investment. That means more fights with my mother. Honestly I feel like I'm robbing her. No, SHE is trying to make me feel like that. My anxiety skyrockets and what can I do? If I can't handle her, how the hell am I supposed to handle a sergeant? But it's not the same, I care about her opinion, even when knowing her opinion amounts to a huge pile of shit, coming from a position of extreme fear and immobility. Talk about fixed mindset, huh, @Cam Adair? Nah, this is not another rant about my mother. I'm... probably maturing. I'm coming to understand I can't put in the same box the mother that loves me and the woman who is scared of the world around her. That's her sin, her monster, I have my own ones. It hurts, but I must take her and her opinion as they are and nothing else, and beyond everything, trust myself. I must allow myself to try, to make mistakes and defend those mistakes in front of everyone. If I try honestly, with heart, then I can keep my head held high. 
    If there's something I've learned during my journey and the real thing you should take from this whole journal is: The only real mistake you can ever make, is inaction.
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  18. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    300 days and a week without videogames. 
    Morning was ok, learned some useful stuff for army tests in class (I'm taking two online classes per week and I'm considering more), then checked on some stuff for the also upcoming Lifehack Bootcamp. Things were looking good but then I grew confident (and bored), mindless browsed YouTube and it went to shit. What a headache I'm having, god damn. It's no joke, it went to levels similar to games in terms of numbing my mind. Severe measures will probably be taken. Again that makes me feel constricted and tyrannical towards myself. Where is all this effort aimed to? What's the point..? 
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  19. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    English exam went good! I'm expecting to know the results by June 19th. I've been spending these last two days anxiety-sick and lazy-ing around, but I'm back on track with my sleep after... heck I can't even remember. I'm currently having great positive momentum with NoFap, so I'm happy, even if it comes with almost crippling stress. It's the right path. 
    I met two responsibilities with friends instead of my usual bailing out with an excuse and I feel great about it, more connected to the people I care about (through proactive effort, which is also as important). I still have some things I'm falling behind with, but not all hope is lost. Things may even work somehow. 
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  20. Hitaru added a post in a topic Happy Birthday!   

    Happy birthday @Cam Adair! Made some video translations as present, YouTube should be uploading them slowly.
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  21. Hitaru added a post in a topic Brain's peak performance?   

    Well, there are circadian rhythms, and each person has their own energy levels (there are more diurnal people and nocturnal people, or there's a certain peak hour in the day, etc). Check those out and keep observing yourself. As a rule of thumb either you start the day at your highest energy levels so you should do the meanest, toughest task of the day asap, or you have a "golden hour" through the day and then you should be keeping a steady path of little victories before reaching that moment to help momentum going upwards. Do I make sense? 
    It happens to me the moment I make a bad but avoidable decision, as you say, everything begins to go down steadily. That's why it's important to have a "morning ritual" (a stablished and practically set in stone routine to start the day at your best). Also whenever you start to feel tired, which is usually after a certain, measurable period of time every day, that's the moment you should take a break to relax and reconnect with yourself. Meditation works for me in this case.
    Let me know if you find it useful and keep updating on your progress! 
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  22. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    @hycniejsy Anxiety, mostly. I try to do other things like meditation but it will take long to implement. 
    English exam tomorrow. News, later. (hm, around June 4th or so) Yesterday I went to the cinema alone for the pleasure of it, and I feel proud of those little gestures of independence.
    I'm improving my army test scores, but falling behind in physical preparation. I'm quite nervous about it. My shape is really bad (I must say, I feel healthier, but really, really untrained. Just moving around makes me ill from fatigue. 22 years old, shameful).
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  23. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    @hycniejsy Yeah you're totally right, I will probably be really excited about it in the beginning and then it will become a dull affair, and it will be up to me to stay focused and get the best of whatever is thrown at me; not just in the Army but in life in general as well. But wherever there's advancement, there's good in life to be harnessed.
    Emotionally, I'm restless. Things are going ok, but not enough. There's way more I should be doing, even if my upcoming exam is under control. Specially now that my upcoming exam is under control. Rationally, I recognize that I can't go from zero to hero, but I dunno man, it's the same as always, this half-assedness. Not enough to fail, not enough to succeed. I've been mindless browsing and PMOing a lot, and I mean a lot. I even neglected my SO for the first second time. Not this path man, uh-huh. I must say however, that I use the term fail much more liberally as the term succeed, so the balance is positive. Like 40-60% or so.
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  24. Hitaru added a post in a topic About Lifehack Bootcamp...   

    Had a call with Demir today and I'm going for it. Will I be disappointed? Only one way to find out. Overall I think it's a great improvement being able to cast aside my prejudice and try things anyway, but also keeping my wits and be as well informed as I can. So I'll take the course and let you guys know about it.
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